Things I have learned in the past five months

In many ways, I consider myself a very impatient person. Whether or not you agree, first hear me out. I have innately been ready and eager to jump into things without calculating risk or danger. My moms favorite stories to tell about me come from times that I Do not remember. The first one is that whenever she said that it was time to make dinner she had to be sure she was actually ready because I would go get a chair and get the big knifes out ready to make dinner. This is when I was two or so. The second one is from when I was 18 months and I decided I was going to learn how to cut with scissors. My mom relates that every day I would practice and practice for an extended period of time and eventually I got the hang of it. However, Nichole my twin sister waited until she was Developmentally ready for this task and cut with scissors easily the first time which was about the same time that I mastered the skill. I think these two stories are pretty indicative of my personality and approach to life. Because of this head first approach, I have had many times were life has felt overwhelming, discouraging and just more than I bargained for. I feel that the challenges that I have faced lately have taught me valuable things that I don't want to forget.

I have been reminded that everything will be made right in the end and if it isn't right now than it isn't the end. I feel very strongly that just because life does not turn out the way you think it will, that it doesn't mean that it isn't worthwhile or beautiful still. In the midst of difficult things there is still so much good in my life and in the world. I have also learned much more about faith and trust in my heavenly father. That every experience in my life is basically another case study of how to let go of the things that I cannot control, turn to my creator and place my life in his hands. That no matter the choices that I make and no matter how hard I try to dot every I and cross every t, that I will make mistakes and I will endure some pain either because of my own folly or because of the gift of agency which allows others the chance to make choices that impact our lives both positively and negatively. I have learned a great amount about humility and integrity and honesty. I have learned that if I do my very best with my heart in the right place that things will work out. They won't be perfect or even enjoyable at the time but in the end my efforts are good enough.

These things are not all new and earth shattering. In fact, many are old truths that have been brought to the surface with a different experience fortifying my testimony and indelibly shaping my character.

I am so excited for my job in the fall. I am also nervous and worried, because these Are also traits that are part of who I am. I have three and a half days left at my long term sub position and I am ready for a break. I love the students that I have worked with and will they have left their fingerprints on my heart forever. I become so attached to people so easily and quickly that I will really miss these amazing students. I often look into their faces and wonder about where they will be in a few years. I get excited and worried for them. I love being a teacher and hope that I can get the training and support to really make a difference in someone's life.

I am looking for an apartment close to where I will be working in the fall with my friend Alexay who will be attending dental school in the area. The apartments that we have found are much nicer and much more expensive than we want. I'm talking about apartments that have pools, fitness centers, marble counter tops and every amenity you could think of. It all amounts to a pretty penny to pay monthly. While I am excited for some of the luxury things, I am not excited about the price. Hopefully we can find something less elaborate and more in our price range. I think I am just spoiled from renting apartments in Provo for so long.

Anyhow. Tomorrow is memorial day and I have it off! Hurray!

Good things come to those who wait...

So, remember that amazing interview I had at Kauri Sue Hamilton? Well, I got offered the job today and I accepted it! I am officially a real person. I graduated and got a real job! I have to give a shout out to Celeste Peterson who made this all possible. Why, you may wonder? I'll tell you why because she called several weeks ago when I needed it the most (that girl listens to the spirit, I tell you what) and asked if there was anything that she could do a million miles away in Rochester. At the time I couldn't think of anything, but a week or so later when I was so overwhelmed by this long term sub position that I am in and I was too busy or tired to apply for more jobs. The thought popped into my head, I bet Celeste would help me apply on teachers-teachers.com. Which is a website that I had already put all my info on. So, anyhow this is as much her victory as mine and without her I may or may not have applied to kauri sue in the first place.

I have been asked recently how I do it sometimes. How do I go through such hard things like losing a husband and still maintain my testimony? And not that I have all the answers by any means, or that I have done it all on my own because of my own greatness. In fact it is quite the opposite. It is in choosing to place one foot in front of the other and to look to the light in the middle of darkness knowing that your prayers are heard and answered and that the reason you can't see the blessings yet is because they are on their way. The only way I know how to live is by believing that it is all worth it and that my best is good enough because of the atonement of Jesus. Christ. I am constantly reminded that everyone goes through their own intense agony, whether it be public or private and that we would be nothing were it not for the saving grace and the the sacrifice of our heavenly fathers only begotten son, Jesus Christ.

Anyhow, I am grateful! Speech over.

Uncharted

I've had this post open in the safari browser of my iPad for over a week. Maybe two. Wanting to write about my life and not wanting to write about my life, because the reality of it all is so apparent to me. Yet, to capture it all in words is a daunting task. I have much more to say than I have time to write. Added to that pressure is the burden of knowing that what I say today may very change by tomorrow. I have goods days followed by rough days, and while I know what I know.... It's hard not to feel what I sometimes feel. Those two things can be hard to reconcile. The knowing and the feeling. I feel very much like this portion of my life is uncharted as defined by dictionary.com. "Not shown or located on a map; unexplored; unknown place or region." This could seem very frightening or very adventurous. I, as one who like to have things mapped out with a reassurance that I am going the right way,keep looking for familiar landmarks to help me know what is next, or how far I am from the half-way point or something! So, after all that ambitious vague-ness how about a little concrete info about my life concerning the job hunt. I have had six (count them) six real live interviews that were not screening interviews and I have had umpteen screening interviews. It's a little draining putting yourself out there over and over again with no feedback except rejection. From the myriad of responses I have received from valued sounding boards here is a sample of the support/advice I have received. "don't take it personally." "be grateful you have had so many interviews." "it's so hard to find teaching jobs in Utah because the market in so saturated with highly qualified candidates." "but, special Ed jbs are in high demand right, so finding a job will be easy."To which I smile and nod and say, "yeah, you're right." Because they all are right, to a certain degree. In my head, however, (and online apparently) I can't help but think after I have now been rejected for the fifth time (still awaiting one response) I feel like saying, it IS personal to me! If a situation where you are being sized up and scrutinized to determine your worth as an investment isn't personal, I guess I don't know what personal is. More on the positive. The interview that I had yesterday was amazing. It was for a certified teacher (I still laugh when I hear myself say that, which maybe I shouldn't admit out loud or on line) At Kauri Sue Hamilton. A entire school for students with disabilities ages 5 through 20. Amazing! It is a brand new school, this is it's third year, which means the building is amazingly beautiful and would be a wonderful place to work aesthetically. Not to mention, the population of students is just my style, which means, children requiring intensive support! The staff and the administration of the this school was very warm, welcoming, and very supportive. Laid back, is what they called themselves. I think this job would be a really excellent fit, and I have not felt this excited about any of the other jobs I have interview for to date. So, hears to having faith for whatever is meant to be!Its been a tough week all in all. However, I love my job and wholeheartedly agree that "Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful." sometimes I wish for the opportunity to have my days videoed at school, so that I can see the bigger picture, because in the middle of it all I find myself feeling pulled out to sea by the current. Maybe if I were to be on the outside looking in I would find that I am closer to the shore than I realize. Listen to me... With all my cheesy metaphors and stuff. Oh dear.I listen to music all the time and find myself piecing words and phrases together that I relate to remind me who I am and what is important to me. I wish that I could effectively relay that message to you. I do the same thing as I read and re-read general conference. I read article after article and feel that I could copy and paste the meaningful paragraphs into a personalized letter from heavenly father to me. I know that there is divinity inside me that grasps onto the things that remind me of who I am and where I come from, and to ultimately where I go. I struggle in my daily strivings to glimpse it all.