Interview day ...

So, it was just a screening interview for Jordan School District, but an interview still the same. I was pretty nervous for it anyway! I had made plans to go to the temple on Thursday to get a little extra help/peace from on high, but applied to jobs till it was too late to go. Sometimes if I get started doing something that really has no end, I can go for a really long time. The same thing is true with cleaning. Sometimes if I start, I won't stop til everything is clean. Also, I was making up for a slow start in the morning. Anywho, back to my original point. I didn't go to the temple. So, I seT myself an alarm for 6:45 and told myself I would go before the interview. HA! That didn't happen. My interview was at nine o clock in South Jordan, but somehow I got it in my head that it was at ten... So I pushed snooze several times, and luckily woke up at 8:18... I slowly was getting ready when suddenly I thought oh no! I have the time wrong. Checking in my calendar confirmed that I was going to be LATE. So I hurriedly got ready (I didn't even shower... Don't tell anyone, but with this great new hair cut it is super easy to do curly and looks pretty great I think). I was out the door at 8:45 it the directions said it would take 45 minutes to get there. So, I am silently freaking out in my head, but I called the woman who was to interview me and told her of my mistake, and that I would be late. I didn't tell her how late! She said ok, but I thought, "there is no way they are going to hire me now, I'm already 20 points behind because I am late."

I pressed on anyway, praying to Heavenly Father to somehow lend a hand here. I made it in 30 minutes, not 45, so that was a blessing. Then I just had to get control of my nerves and present myself well. Teaching interviews, even screening interviews, can be pretty hard core. They actually want to know what you know. I wish they gave you a study guide...that would really be helpful. This interview was pretty hard core, and on a couple of the questions I completely blanked! Completely. The worst part was, it was a question about procedural safeguards for parents given in IDEA (special Ed law!). Name five of the proceedurAl safeguards... And I blanked. I remember being tested on this is class and I passed obviously, but nothing was coming to me. "um, I know you have to tell the parents everything in a letter before you do anything." (Prior Written Notice) That was all I could think of... The woman interviewing me coaxed four more out of me... I was sweating and felt pretty dumb. That is a BASIC thing to know, and an important one. Needless to say, I didn't think it was my greatest interview ever. However, I did apply to be sub for their district now, and so at the end of the interview she asked me about that and took me down to see the women who handles that end of things. While we were walking down, she asked me if I would be able to start subbing for a long term sub position on the 5th, which I said, "Of course." Apparently they have had an opening that they did not anticipate, in a middle school self-contained special ed classroom, and that they would need that filled for next year too. She then said, "It isn't where we thought we would put you initially, but didn't anticipate this opening." This really shocked me that I was being considered anywhere... Was it my 15 minutes of tardiness or that I blanked on the easiest question ever that assured her of my abilities. So whatever that means. I said a very heart felt thank you prayer on the way home.

I then came home to reAd an email in response to my resume and cover letter to be a volunteer coordinator for the Utah County Crisis Line. I would be in charge of recruiting and training volunteers to staff the 24 hour crisis line. How cool would that be? I have an interview on April 13th for that. It's part time so maybe I would even be able to do it and sub at the same time. We'll see.

I then proceeded to take a LONG midday nap, and woke up at 3:15 from really really odd dreams about holding hands with a random kid from high school... I dont think that means anything... My aunt Linda and I took apart their old porch swing, drove it to Uncles Vernon's nephew's house, reassembled it, and then bought a Colorado Blue Spruce for my great aunt Nola. In a big wind sorry a while ago, all her big beautiful trees were knocked over, so Linda wanted to get her a new one. isn't that so sweet? We had dinner at Wallaby's in Pleasant Grove, and let me tell you it was fast, delicious and not too pricey. They served the most delicious rolls I have ever eaten! I ended the day painting Daniels wall white... There was just this little built in bookshelf that needed to be painted and so I thought that it wouldnt take too long! Was I ever wrong! Even though we were painting over light blue, we will need at least two coats of paint. Linda came in to see my progress and told me that the black wall was much easier to paint and I responded, "Black does cover a multitude of sins." I could expound on this analogy and relate it to life... But I'm not going to. If you come up with a good one, let me know.

So, that was my day. I am ready for general conference tomorrow!

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day...

I have a very dear friend who has an ever increasing selection of movies. She is very generous in letting me borrow the ones I haven't seen. Every time I borrow some movies, there are at least five or six that I haven't seen. She is better than Netflix or Redbox. Plus. She has excellent taste in movies. I just watched Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day... And I found it delightful. Lately, watching movies serves as a meaningful escape. Its better than watching an episod of a tv show because it has an ending that mostly leaves me satisfied. It helps me pass the time, because, right now I seem to have a lot of it. This will not always be the case, but today it is.

I spent the day with my aunts, shopping. It was wonderful and tiring. These three women are some of the kindest people I know. They love each other and they love me, and it was really nice to be with them today. We spent a lot of time looking for an elusive outfit for Marilyn to wear at her daughter Kate's impending wedding. Kate, who like me, is her mothers youngest daughter. She also, like me, was widowed at a very young age after a short time being married. She is getting married again, hopefully in May and I wish her great happiness. Her colors are chocolAte brown and fushia, which are beautiful colors, but brown is not in the stores right now so we searched high and low for anything today. We found something, not super great but a possibility.

I also bought some fabric for a strip quilt. I am very excited. Because without my aunts talent, fabric, and machines... This would never happen on its own. I tried to find a picture but I failed. I used the colors from my favorite pillow, a find from IKEA. The colors are dark blue, a lighter grayer blue, a mustard yellow, dark red, and green. I'm excited to see how it turns out.

Anyhow, I have been feeling a bit blue today despite all the wonderful beautiful things around me. So, I came home and watched this movie. The premise is this. A nanny gets fired from her job and trying to prove her worth basically steals what she thinks is a nanny position, but instead is a social secretary for a woman who is trying to become a star. It is quite comical, and endearing. What came across to me was that if you are true to who you are you will end up with what you really want after all.

I love that. Well, today I took a break from the job hunt. Tomorrow I will try again.

Chocolate and sisters...

Family is a funny thing. YOu don't get to choose who your siblings or parents are, but somehow you belong all the same. I love my mom's sisters, partly because when I look at them I see pieces of myself mirrored back at me. The relief society president in my new ward said after being introduced as my Aunt Linda's niece, "You have the same mouth and eyes.". I love being with my aunts especially when I am missing my mom, because when I am with her sisters I feel that she is there too. In the things they say and do, in their memories, in the fabrics they enjoy, in the food they eat/make, and in the flowers they appreciate.

My Aunt Connie and Aunt Marilyn came down from Idaho today to do a chocolate making tutorial for our relief society. It was awesome! We made cake balls, chocolate covered pretzels, chocolate pops, filled chocolate Easter eggs, and homemade tootsie rolls.

I love being with my family, and I really appreciate the effort that my moms family has made to stick together, to be there for eachother, and to make it a priority to get together when they can. Being a family is more than just biological heritage as well. Although a lot is said about how much Nichole and I look like the Hart women. We have my grandma's feet and her eyes. I think about my Aunt Linda's children who are all adopted, and I notice the things that make them just as much a part of the family as me. Their love for and memories of Grandma and Grandpa. I sang in the ward choir on Sunday with Karina, my beautiful saomoan cousin, and while the other women were being a little snippety, Karina was so calm and peaceful, very polite. So I complimented her on this, for being so mellow and kind all the time, and she said, "I get it from my mom." I loved this response and it has caused me to think about the things that I get from my mom.

Some of the things that I get from my mom: the ability to speak in front of people with poise, great cooking skills, a love for flowers and gardens, an appreciation of music, determination to do what is right even if it is hard, an eye for service and friendship, and a love of the gospel. Some of the things I get from my dad: my impulsivity, my weirdness, my love for working outside, my temper (that's something else that I don't like to publicly admit, that I get angry sometimes).

Sitting around the table tonight listening to my aunts catch up with eachother reminds me of my sisters. How I love my sisters. I think about them a lot. They are such wonderful people and have shaped who I am. They are my biggest fans, my loudest cheerleaders, my conscience, and my sounding board. I think about how grateful I am that my sisters are my sisters, because if they weren't my sisters I don't know that we would be friends, just because in many ways we are so different. In that way I feel very lucky, because I learn so much from them.

I interrupt this message to give a quick update of the job hunt. I have filled out probably 15 applications so far. I applied today to be a sub for the Jordan School District. I will also apply to be a sub in Canyons School District. I have a screening interview on Friday with Jordan District. I have a second interview with a charter school in springville in April.

Hey, if any of you out there has a blog, let me know what it is. Also, if you have a private blog, email me an invitation. I really don't want this to be a one-sided thing. Give AND take.

A post about pain

Many of you probably think this is going to be a very long profound post about my thoughts and experience in regards to pain, physical emotional and otherwise.


Surprise! This is a post solely about the terrible pain right underneath my left shoulder blade. It is awful and constant. I have tried every stretch I can think of. I can't reach this spot to rub it myself. So... I just try to ignore it, hoping it will go away. Well, darn it! It hasn't and it's been over a week.

That's all. I just want somebody to know.

Oh... And I learned today that I like whale crackers. They are the off brand version of goldfish, and I like them a lot.

Two steps forward, one step backward...

I have been told, "The world is your oyster, Natalie! You can do and be anything you want to be.". There is a part of me that agrees that truly there are no limits to what I can accomplish. There is another part of me that feels very empty, very tired, and like I am staring at the top of the highest mountain from the very very most bottom base camp. Instead of packing my tent up the mountainside, I want to set up shop here and get comfortable. But I don't want to end up at the bottom of the mountain, that isn't where the prettiest views are.

Do you ever have two parts of yourself battling against each other? This happens to me a lot, and I don't mean to suggest that I am bi-polar, but rather that there are two sides to every issues and they say (whoever "they" is, I don't know)that the truth ca be found somewhere in the middle. Sometimes I want so much to be fine, that I do such a great job convincing everyone that I am fine, when deep down I feel less than fine. However, i say I am fine because I do have hope that I will eventually be fine, more than fine even. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.... I just down know how long the tunnel is.

Well, today I was less than fine, less than happy, and so very tired. Being tired probably has a lot to do with that. And at the same time... I got to attend a baptism, visit some friends, eat cafe rio and watch Hunger Games! There was even a little bit of chocolate consumed in between al those things! It was a beautiful day.

Not to get side tracked with Hunger Games, but I just have to say something about the movie versus the book. The beginning of the book was not given enough credit in the movie. I think the beginning of the book is so well written and beautifully set up. However, in the movie it all felt wrong to me, like they left out important details, or thAt really significant moments were glossed over and felt cheesey and hollow. From, the beginning of the actual games on, I was much more pleased with the movie, however my friend Alexay pointed out that even during some of this part, the actors didn't seem to really be in that dire of circumstances. All in all, though, I really liked it. We were sitting on the very front row.

So, back to moving forward and recognizing my progress. Someone once told me that most progres follows an upward circular pattern. So if you feel like you are going in circles, just remember that it is very normal.

Happiness

I have been thinking about happiness a lot lately.  Because my life has definitely not turned out how I wanted or hoped, at all.  And let's be real, I have been really unhappy because of that at times.  However the other day, I was walking to my car after going to wal-mart, (not the most glamorous place to have an epiphany, but I'm not complaining) and I was thinking about all the wonderful things in my life.  I am so lucky to be here in alpine, ut with my aunt.  I have my own room and bathroom and I feel so loved and welcome here.  What a great safe place for me to get myself back on my feet.  I have a good supporting family, (not perfect, mind you, but neither am I, so it totally works) and incredible friends.  I have the things that I need, and most importantly I know that heavenly father knows who i am and is incredibly mindful of what I need.  I also have the peace of mind that I have done my best in everything and while I am not perfect, I can be happy with who I am and who I am becoming.  So, there in that dirty wal-mart parking lot I realized that cliche saying about happiness is cliche for a reason.  You know the one..  "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have."

I also feel that happiness is more than just a feeling. It is a way of living. It is a state of mind, it is a conscious choice. I am reminded of Elder Wirthlin's word from his general conference talk, "come what may and love it.".

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can’t—at least not in the moment. I don’t think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don’t think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

So how do you do it? How do you approach adversities in a way that leads you to greater happinesses ahead? I think way too much about doings things right, and I turn myself inside out when things don't go the way I think they "should" and this makes me miserable. A couple days I found this to be exactly where I was, and I called my mom crying, "I don't understand, mom. I am trying so hard to be happy." Her response to me? "Just be, Natalie. Happiness will come.". Which reminds me of yet another quote.



“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”– Thoreau

I also think being happy has a lot to do with acceptance and gratitude. It requires faith, humility and hope. It necessitates an eye for the simple, beautiful, and wonderful. Happy people do not quickly take offense, they do not become hardened by hard things. Instead, they see the positive, they look for the silver lining, they keep themselves busy with the promise of a brighter tomorrow.

Happiness in life requires that you take care of yourself. Who, like me, finds themselves aft a full busy wonderful day getting really sad and worried, only to realize that you just need some food and some sleep. Everything usually does look better with a sunrise.

While thinking about happiness, I found a book called, "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, she also has a blog titled the same thing. I really like it. You might too. Here's a link to her blog. /

A couple more things

I really like the idea of this blog currently. I find myself thinking of different topics to write about all day long. I see quotes that I want to share. That will probably happen a lot. I am a verbal person. I like words. Words mean a lot to me. Written or spoken, it doesn't matter. I found this quote today. It isn't the most inspirational quote I have ever found, but it's a fun one.

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

Audrey Hepburn, 1921-1993

It's starts out very light hearted, but those last few sentences I agree with wholeheartedly.
The other thing that I wanted to say was... I am sorry there are not more pictures on my blog. I haven't figured out how to get pictures from my IPad to the blog yet. So I have decided that until then I will use pictures from the Internet to spice up this boring blog.

Time and Energy

To keep you, my dear friendsand family, apprised of the details of my life is the purpose of this blog.  So this post it to inform you what exactly it is that I currently spending all of my time and energy on.  I have spent all my time and energy for the last two years on a one-sided relationship, and now that it is coming to an end.  So, now I am putting all of my time and energy into getting back on my feet financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

TO finanically get back on my feet I need a job.  I am certified and licensed to be a Special Education Teacher in the state of Utah.  That still boggles my mind and completely terrifies me in some ways.  I feel that I am having divine support because on Saturday there was a Teacher Fair Preparation Workshop at BYU which had all kinds of great information.  This was super helpful as I get ready to go to the Teacher Fair on Thursday.  I am excited and nervous.  So since then I have been down to Provo everyday to seek career advice and feedback on my resume, references, etc.  I am excited to have the opportunity to work as a Special Educator.  I am putting my faith in Jesus Christ.  I believe that my needs are known to my Heavenly Father and that he will provide, given I do my part.

To spiritually get back on my feet I have been very dilligent about "feasting on the words of Christ."  In a recent blessing I was counseled to immerse myself in the scriptures, and I have been doing my utmost to do this.  Every day I am reminded of how loved I am and that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true.  I also have been praying more often.  I almost always have a prayer in my heart.  Sometimes, I really don't think I can do this.  By this, I mean my life.  Sometimes, it seems to hard.  So, then I say a prayer, and call someone who loves me.  Invariably, the peace and assurance comes.  If you are someone I call, thank you for always loving me! 

To physically and emotionally get back on my feet I am trying to take care of myself the best I know how.  I am trying to exercise every day.  Yesterday I went to Gold's Gym with my aunt on a guest pass.  That is a crazy warehouse of machines and super hard core people.  I don't feel hard core, but I do feel sore today.  My aunt has an exercise ball and an elliptical here at the house, so I am going to do that today.  I want to find a gym that has a pool.  I miss working out with Lisa Christensen from Rochester at the University of Rochester Facilities, but I am so grateful that I did for the short time I was able to.  I have just that much more confidence to do it on my own now.  I had a physical last Monday before I left Rochester with a really awesome doctor.  He did a lot of blood tests on me, and sent me the results.  I have a vitamin D deficiency, fibromyalgia, and a genetic marker (HLA B27) that predisposes me to lots of nasty auto-immune disorders.  So I am taking vitamin d and I am also trying to eat well!  I made delicious granola that Sally Jensen gave me the recipe for!  I am glad to be able to help cook for my aunt's family.  When I can help someone else in the process of helping myself I am always more motivated.  Emotionally, I am so grateful for my family and all of my incredible friends who care so much about me.  THANK YOU!  I know when other people are going through a hard time, it is hard to know what to do.  Just do what you can and be there.  That makes the biggest difference in my life.  Not to mention the prayers.  I really can feel the prayers that are being directed my way.  I am also listening to lots of beautiful music.  Music is very powerful to me. 

I am also making time to just relax!  I loved all the women groups that I was a part of in Whipple Park. LOVED THEM.  I am reading Ella Minnow Pea for this month's book club.  For any fellow Whipple Park-ers I would love to be included in on the recipe swap if that is possible.  I don't know.  Maybe I should start my own recipe swap.  I am loving my new birds, Sky and Kiwi.  They are such calm beautiful parakeets!  I have trained them to step onto my finger, and now they do this without getting so scared that they fly into the walls of my room.  They like having music on as well.  Sometimes I put nature sounds on and they chirp chirp chirp away.  It makes me smile.  I like having something living to take care of. 

So, there you have it.  What my time and energy is currently invested in!  Please tell me what you are doing with your life!!  I love you all so much!

The Thing About Blogs

I love blogs... And I hate them. I really think they are a great way to let many people know what's going on at the same time. I think it is important to document your life. I agree with Socrates wholeheartedly, that the unexamined life is not worth living. I love reading other people's blogs and seeing their creativity and productivity. AND. It frustrates me that I am so aware that I am writing something that will be viewed by many people, and it changes what I say and how I say it. I tend to become more dramatic and poetic. I also make way more typos than i would ever like to admit. I have very wordy, confusing, long sentences with lot of hyphenating, parentheses and commas. I re-read the post that I just wrote and I thought it sounded very preachy and didn't give a whole lot of information. I don't like the idea that once I publish something it is sent into the vast and unknown cyberspace. What if I change my mind? Because I do that.... A lot. What if I offend someone, or say something that is logically full of holes, or etc... I could go on and on with the what if's. I have a never ending supply of self doubt and insecurity.

So... I'm going to proceed with caution. I will try not to be overly dramatic or philosophical or preachy or whatever. I will try to be interesting and true to life.

I will try tomorrow.

One day at a time...

I love succinct phrases that carry a lot of meaning. Some people refer to these phrases as "words to live by.". And I do. I live by finding meaning in words, whether they be words of songs, words spoken by friends, or words captured in quotes.

Addressing the title of this post,'one day at a time,' it was counsel given to me by my counselor. That's right... I am aware of myself enough to recognize the things I want to change, courageous enough to seek professional help, and not ashamed to share it with the world wide web apparently. Anywho, back to the point. I am trying to really take my life ONE DAY AT A TIME. It sounds so simple, elementary, really. In fact, to people who are very unlike me and do not understand the facets of an emotional being like myself it might seem impossible to attack more than one day at a time. It is never Monday and Tuesday at the same time, right? Oh no.... It is. In fact. It can be 2012, 2013, and 2008 all at the same time. For me this super power-achilles heel is more like it- stems from an over analysis of who i am, what I am doing, and whether that matches up with who/where/what I want to be. And it trips me up all the time.

So to set the record straight for myself. I am doing THE very best that I know how. I am not perfect, not even close. I am good enough. I am making progress, however slow it feels, and I will achieve my goals and dreams of the future. Today however, I am living for today. I am keeping my mind here with my heart and my soul. That is where it belongs. I don't have the answers to questions that I happen to think are pretty darn important. However, I know enough to get through today and to face tomorrow with determination and perhaps even a terrified smile.

How do I live this way? By reminding myself over and over again to slow down and live in the present. To pay attention to the things that I need, and to balance those things very carefully with preaparation for the things that future Natalie cares about. These future things however need to be scrutinized to make sure they really are what I care about, and not what I think I should care about. I get confused by this a lot.

So. Here I am. Today. Today was and is a good day peppered with moments of sadness and uncertainty. Today I am with my Aunt Linda and her family with a room of my own complete with a really great balance of support and independence; freedom and responsibility; and always a listening ear and unconditional love. I am a lucky girl. I have a knowledge and an awareness of hope and happiness thanks to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I made toffe encrusted almonds today! I get to sleep with no less than six pillows. I remembered how to access my ablog account from 2005. I have a pair of beautiful parakeets, Sky and Kiwi, who chirp at the sound of my voice. That's pretty great! How many of you can say that? That's what I thought.

So when my mind races, my heart pounds, and the insidious thoughts of failure, despair and ruin creep into my mind. I tell myself, again and again, one day at a time Natalie. You are doing okay. Did I do everything I wanted to today? Am I where i want to be? Nope. Did I do enough? That's the question. Today the answer is yes. My life is good and full, and I am a powerful person, with the ability to choose my own happiness, and to wake up tomorrow to face yet another day.