Sincerely, Natalie

How to be sincerely grateful?

There is an anecdotal story of a king who asked for counsel that would help him remain humble in prosperous times and hopeful in perilous times. That counsel which was inscribed on the inside of a ring was, "This too shall pass."

We live in a world of opposing dualities. When asked, "How was your day?" or "How are you doing?" I find it harder and harder to give a simple, "Good" and feel satisfied with being both polite and honest. I feel that it is vital to happiness to learn to be grateful. However, in trying to explain to my students in my class what that means, the simple explanation that I gave them later tortured me. I told them being grateful or thankful means to recognize what things you like in your life. This tortured me because it is so much more than that. Being grateful to me is really being cognizant of all in your life and seeing God in all of it. That to me, is the purpose of expressing gratitude. To put what we have in perspective of who we are, where we are and what is around the corner for us.

I found some quotes which piece together meaning for me as 'words to live by' in my quest to be grateful for ALL that I have and am.

"Those of us who have been around a while—and Elder Wirthlin and I have been around for a long time—have recognized certain patterns in life’s test. There are cycles of good and bad times, ups and downs, periods of joy and sadness, and times of plenty as well as scarcity. When our lives turn in an unanticipated and undesirable direction, sometimes we experience stress and anxiety. One of the challenges of this mortal experience is to not allow the stresses and strains of life to get the better of us—to endure the varied seasons of life while remaining positive, even optimistic. Perhaps when difficulties and challenges strike, we should have these hopeful words of Robert Browning etched in our minds: “The best is yet to be” (“Rabbi Ben Ezra,” in Charles W. Eliot, ed., The Harvard Classics, 50 vols. [1909–10], 42:1103). We can’t predict all the struggles and storms in life, not even the ones just around the next corner, but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come. (2008 October General Conference, Let Him Do It with Simplicity, Sat. Morning Session - L. Tom Perry)

I do believe that the best is yet to be, even when I do not feel it burning in my bosom. I believe that good people who honestly do their best and turn to God, that for them good things keep on coming. Another quote...

"Sometimes it is hard to move on, but we must. And moving on doesn’t mean forgetting friendships, forcing memories to fade. It means opening our hearts to even more happiness and more experiences." (Oct. 2012 Ensign, Good Things Keep On Coming, Caitlin A. Rush)

I can honestly say that I am grateful for all of my experiences. I haven't always felt that way, but I do. I feel that Michael dying has provided a breadth and depth to my life that I would not have achieved in any other way. Is it blissful... no! Worth it? Yes! As Mitch Albom puts it, " “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” Do I understand the ins and out of my marriage and subsequent and recent divorce? Am I grateful for it all yet? Not yet, but someday I hope to be at that point. I do already see the value in an experience such as this. I am stronger, more certain of who I am in some ways, more open to understand others, and just as stubborn in what makes me fundamentally ME.

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I am finding my way out of the depths and learning to be grateful for those depths.

"Change is the Lord’s way. He wants us to be happy and growing, to be excited to move on with our lives. Life is a journey, and while still enjoying the present and preparing for inevitable challenges, we must move forward, remaining optimistic, our hearts open to the experiences and good things that are undoubtedly on their way." (Oct. 2012 Ensign, Good Things Keep On Coming, Caitlin A. Rush)

So much to say, so little time...

It has been FOREVER since I have posted anything. The longer I go without writing a post, the more urgently I feel the need to write a post yet here I am blanking on where to start.

Let's start with today. With the snow and the change in weather added to the stress of my wonderful (although all-consuming and incredibly challenging) job my auto-immune disorders have really flared up. This translates to me sleeping lots with increased fatigue when I am awake and being in considerable more pain than is typical for me. Yet. I don't want to complain or really talk about it too much. I do want to acknowledge that it is there and affects me. I want to be someone that deals with life's challenges gracefully. I think this includes health challenges. Part of being graceful includes being grateful for ALL that you have. Not just the parts you enjoy. I am grateful for my health, which I suppose in some measure, means I am grateful for the achey, painful, tired portions along with the working, able body and mind portions.

That being said, I didn't wake up when my Mom called me three times this morning. My mom calls me every morning and talks to me on her way to work. At the beginning of the school year it was so that I would wake up super early so I could go to work and be prepared for school. On the days I still need to be up early I wake up, otherwise I go back to sleep and wake up to my alarm. Some mornings I forget to set my alarm though. Today was one of them. I still woke up with plenty of time to get to work on time (albeit I was rushed and didn't look as nice as I could have). Days like today when I wake up without an alarm I really believe that Heavenly Father wakes me up.

On to my job. I love my job. It is by far the very best part of my life. I love my team, although certain members can be difficult to work with at times. I love my students, although figuring out how to reach them and measure their progress in terms of data, keep up with paperwork and everything else keeps me on my toes. If I am not careful I can get very discouraged, but it isn't worth it. I know I can be better and I want to be better. I also know I am doing my best right now with the energy and experience that I have.
It was a crazy day but a good day. I was missing a couple of students and this changes the dynamics of the whole class. It was really a pretty quiet day all in all.

For FHE we went to Temple Square and had a cooking class at the Lion House and played Family History Jeopardy at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. It was really a good FHE. During the cooking class, the Chef explained that while we thought it was a cooking class, it was really a dating class. He asked what date was, and I said, "Paid for, paired off, and planned." He asked my name, if I was dating anyone and if he could embarrass me. He then asked the guy next to me (who is in my ward and IS dating someone-ahem, the girl who was sitting right next to him) and myself to come up. He had me smash garlic and add it to this yummy alfredo pasta dish he was showing us how to make. Then he had this guy "teach" me how to chop it up (by putting his arms around me, etc. etc.) in front of the whole group. He then served up two plates and set a table for us in front of everyone and we got to go on a little date as a visual aid for his cooking/dating class. This was both amazing (because of the food, I was not feeling well- a little faint even and this really helped me feel better) and super AWKWARD. Because this guy, my elders quorum president went on a "date" with me in front of his girlfriend (and 50 other people). Also because, this amazing food that everyone got to see and smell... I ate in front of them. I felt bad all around... but also very grateful for the food.

So that was my day. Pretty interesting.

Sad feelings

So the past few days have been regular normal, run of the mill days, and then the evening has come with an emptiness, loneliness and sadness that rivals some of my saddest moments. I don't say this for sympathy or pity. I share it because it is a part of me, my life, and my journey toward creating my own happiness amidst it all.

While in this state I get on the internet and search out quotes. I find this to be therapeutic. I also search for songs, but you know this already. So I have a quote and a couple songs I have found .

"Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance." -- Osho

I love that. That is how I experience both sadness and happiness. They are part of the same plant. Speaking of plants, today for my science lesson I taught about how seeds grow into plants. It's pretty miraculous how that happens. How everything the seed needs to grow is inside itself, and it needs is the right atmosphere to completely transform itself. I showed my class a Youtube video called "The One Seed." At the end it talks about ideas can be like seeds. Something small that given the proper care and environment leads to large movements. I really liked that parallel.

Which leads me to my first latest favorite song, called "Whole Wide World," by Mindy Gledhill. It was introduced to me by a friend who is taking this song and using it as the inspiration behind battling life's challenges by literally walking 100 miles, like the song lyrics suggest. It's amazing. I listen to it probably every day.

So, youtube it. Here are the lyrics.
WHOLE WIDE WORLD
Mindy Gledhill

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles
I’m gonna whistle all the while
If that’s what it takes to make me smile
I’m gonna walk a hundred miles

I’m gonna run right up this hill
Summer sky or winter chill
If I gotta take a break I will
But I’m gonna run right up this hill

Chorus:
I wanna hold the whole wide world
Right here in my open hands
Maybe I’m just a little girl
A little girl with great big plans

I’m gonna go and take a chance
I’m gonna learn to ballet dance
Learn a little something ‘bout romance
I’m gonna go and take a chance

I’m gonna live a crazy dream
Impossible as it may seem
Doesn’t matter what the future brings
I’m gonna live a crazy dream

[Chorus]

You tell me, “don’t try it”
I’m warning you that I won’t buy it
All failure is fleeting
I trust it always has its meaning

[Chorus]

It is such a positive song that articulates how anything is possible when you decide you want to do something and go for it. No matter who you are. Even if you are just a "little girl."

As many of you are aware, my first husband died in a car accident 4 years ago on September 18th. He is my love. I will always love him. Great guy, he taught me so much. My brother found this song called "Jealous of the Angels" by Jenn Bostic. Here are the lyrics. This is definitely one you will want to youtube as well.

"I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then

God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

Singin' hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne
Tonight"

Yup, there are hardly words to express all the thoughts and feelings related to this, and this may not be the best place to process that "stuff." So... there are the thoughts and words of others that my soul has responded to lately.

Another message that I have viewed and pondered daily is the mormon message entitled "The Will of God." The transcript is excerpts from D. Todd Christofferson's general conference talk, "As Many As I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten."

"I would like to speak of one particular attitude and practice we need to adopt if we are to meet our Heavenly Father’s high expectations. It is this: willingly to accept and even seek correction.

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

So powerful and applicable to each of our lives. It reminds me of my little rose plant that I have learned to prune so that it will continue to flower.

That's all for now.

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

Lightening strikes and the rain pours, right? At least that is how it works if you are the damsel in distress in a Disney movie.

I had a moment like this... Last Monday was quite a rough day at work. Mondays can be behaviorally challenging, especially when the students rely upon routine and constancy. The weekends tend to shake that up a bit. So, anyhow, I am driving from school to a first year teacher training when, as I push on the gas, my car makes this horrible sound and dies at the intersection at redwood road and 104th south. I sit in my car and think... "What do I do?  This has never happened before."  I call my insurance who put me in touch with a tow truck and while I am on the phone a random stranger (bless him) with a truck and a tow rope pulls in front of me and asks if I would like him to tow me out of the road!  Yes, please.  That was tender mercy number one in my fiasco of a day.  So this random stranger named Terry, tows me to a Smith's parking lot.  The tow truck comes and because I don't know any mechanics in West Jordan refers me to a mechanic, "An Honest Mechanic."  As we are driving there (and I am subsequently missing my training) I think that if I were in a Disney movie, right about now would be the time that the lightening would strike and the rain would take it's cue from the overcast skies.  AND.... it started raining seconds after that thought crossed my mind.  Just goes to show how powerful our thoughts are.  Haha!  Just kidding.  I am not that powerful.  To continue with my story, even though it was after five, the mechanic was still there and was kind enough to give me a ride home because no one was available to come to my rescue.  Tender mercy two- random mechanic gives me a ride home.

The days that followed that Monday included dozens more tender mercies.  My car was in the shop for a week and was very expensive to fix.  AND at the same time, through it all I had a girl from work pick me up and take me to work and bring me to home every day I needed.  I had a friend take me grocery shopping, and had rides to church and church activities with my roommate and friends.  I didn't want for anything,  excepting my independence.  Which for a week is not so bad.

This past week has also been very challenging.  I am learning, however slowly and stubbornly, that hard does not equal bad and that the most worthwhile things are challenging and exhausting.  Would I like things to be easier?  Yes... I think that is the essence of hope.  To hope for better days and happier times.  Gratitude is what makes challenging times bearable.  It is all just a process, and I will get to where I am going in just the way I need to.  I need to be grateful for the progress I am making and recognize the progress (however small) my students are making.

I have two IEPs on Monday (aahhh!), Tuesday I take my class out into the community (we are going to Gardner Village-- FUN!) for Community Based Training, and on Friday I have a behavior conference- which means I won't be with my class.  I feel like a mother leaving her babies for the first time... well I can't know that for sure because I am not a mother and I don't have babies.  It's what I imagine it would feel like though.  If I can survive this week, than I can do more that I think I am capable of.

I hope I learn to manage things better soon because I still come home every Friday and CRASH.  Hard core crashing goes on every Friday night (this is one plus to not having hot Friday night dates).  I come home at 5:00 ish and sleep till Saturday morning.  Usually with work clothes on, contacts still in, and without brushing my teeth.  (I know... gross).  To add to my lack of sleep, I have been having a hard time finding time to eat.  Which doesn't help my exhaustion.

This Saturday I went to Kauri Sue's Fun Run!  It was really fun to see the school community get together to support the school and each other.  I love where I work.

This was a much needed update, and I am leaving out plenty of juicy details.  Hope all is well for you!

My body hates me right now...

Remember how I crashed Friday night. Well that's essentially how my weekend went. And I am still tired! I have a yucky cold sore and woke up to several canker sores on the bottom of my tongue. Ouch.

That's all. I hope it all goes away tonight while im sleeping.

The Days Are Long.... But The Weeks Are Short!

That is how I would describe the first two weeks of being a BSN (Brand SPanking New) Teacher.  I love it!  I really think I have the best job in the world.  That being said, it isn't easy, without challenges, and I put in lots of hours and give the best of myself to my students, my team, and my school.  In regards to giving it my all, I still make mistakes, never seem to have enough time or energy to keep my desk clean and my to-do list blank.  I have been learning over and over again lately that the best things in life will be the hardest and that is in part why they are so fulfilling!

I have ten adorable smart students with unique challenges and barriers to learning.  I am excited to see their progress this year.  I have so much love for them.  I have 3 full-time assistants, all who have at least ten years of experience and have children my age!  One of them even has a daughter named Natalie.  They all love me (I mean, who wouldn't?) and have been very supportive and flexible with the new things I have been trying.  They work so hard and I am so grateful for them.  I have an intervener that works one on one with one of my students who is deaf-blind.  She is incredible and goes above and beyond!  The administration at my school do so much for all the teachers so that we can spend more time on teaching!  I have an awesome mentor teacher who is right next door to me, and also gives me a good perspective only a seasoned teacher of 30 years can give!  My school is rich in resources.  I have three i pads for my class, apple tv, and a document camera.  We have occupational therapists, physical therapists, Adaptive P.E. teachers, Speech and Language therapists, a music therapist, and nurses on-site.  WE have a swimming pool that the students LOVE to swim in.  I love to swim in it too.  The music therapist and I are both the same age, single, and brand new to the school (and to our jobs).  We have swam once together in the afternoon, but the afternoons after school have proven to be very busy.  So we are going to try to swim in the mornings before school.

I do wish I had Monday off again this week.  That was SO nice!  I have yet to put in a 5-day week with the students.

Things that have become my saving grace.  My mom (oh how I love her) calls me every morning at 5:00 so that I will wake up, get ready and go to school early so I can be somewhat prepared for the day.    Prayer, I pray the whole way to school as I drive for strength, energy, and ideas.  The sunrise, and view of the mountains from the parking lot of my school.  Every day before I enter the school, and every day as I leave the school, my eyes gaze at the beauty that I get to see every day!  Looking at the sky reminds me of my maker, who is really in charge, and that no matter what has happened I get to try again tomorrow.  In a friends house she has a saying on her wall.  I have been repeating it to myself all day.  "Every day is a gift from god, remember to thank him for it."  Lather, rinse and repeat.

Being a teacher is the best weight loss program I think I have ever enrolled in.  I work so hard, my body is always so sore and tired.  I also rarely have time or energy to eat or shop for groceries.  I came home yesterday at around 5:30 and crashed so hard.  I laid down on the couch (see previous post for pictures) and fell asleep.  Sometime I woke up to move to my bed... but never changed my clothes, ate dinner, or brushed my teeth.  I slept through the whole night.  My roommate said that when she came in to the room, I sat up and said, "How are you?" Then laid back down.  So tired.  I woke up at 4:30 and felt like I had slept through Saturday too, I thought it was Sunday for a split second.  I went back out to the couch, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, took out my contacts, and proceeded to sleep til 8:30.

I did go to the temple today with my singles stake.  It was wonderful.  Every time I go to the temple I read Ether 12:4.  "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yes, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."  I love this verse.  Michael (my first husband) and I were studying the attributes of Christ the week before he died about four years ago in a car accident and ever since then I read this verse when I go to the temple.  It reminds me to hope for a "better world," which strengthens my faith and anchors me to the gospel, which helps me to do what is right and be a disciple of christ.  In the temple I feel that I have a glimpse of what a "better world" might look, sound and feel like.  I feel every time the desire to   continue working and praying for a "place at the right hand of God."  I also read in D&C 6 several verses which spoke to my heart.  One of which was v 13.  "If thou wilt do good, yes, and hold out faithful to the end, thou shalt be saved in the kingdom of God, which is the greatest of all the gifts of God: for their is no gift greater than the gift of salvation."  and 16, "Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart."  v. 20... "Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love." v 33 and 34"Fear not to do good, my sons (or daughter), for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therfore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.  Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."  v. 36 and 37 "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.  Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven.  Amen."

Anyhow.  Life is good.

My apartment!

Here are a few pics of the new place! I love it! It is so nice to have a place to call home.

Real Salt Lake

It's shaping up to be one busy, fun week! I worked at school setting up my classroom, then had ward FHE with the Welby ward (Fear factor FHE), then went bowling with a group of friends. Today I had training till three, then went to Lakeshore to buy stuff for my classroom. Now I am at my first Real Salt Lake game! Woohoo! I need to calm it down or I'm going to wear myself out.

A quarter of a century!

Happy Birthday! To me! And Nichole! It was a wonderful day, it was a pretty normal day. I got home super late either really late Friday night or really early Saturday morning- whichever way you choose to look at it. My furniture was delivered on Saturday! What an awesome birthday present. In fact I am sitting on my awesome couch now. I think I owe you guys some pictures of my apartment. It is coming together! It really feels like home. Alexay and I were driving home from church and I felt so excited to be going HOME. It feels good to have a place, a space that is your "own." The rest of my day I spent basically working on the apartment, returning bins that I used to move with, and stopping by at some of my favorite people's houses! It was good. I like 25. It feels good.

I love my ward. Transitioning to a new place and new ward is always hard. I try very hard to be outgoing and friendly, but it takes time and a lot of effort to not feel like an outsider anymore. I am making really good headway on that front. I debated whether or not to go to Ward Prayer tonight, and then went thinking that I would just go and come home quickly. Just put my time in, you know. Well I went and it was so much fun! I made a really great friend who invited me to spend time with a group of friends that get together often! It was so nice. I wanted to write down this good day so I can remember it. This is the second Sunday in a row where I feel like I am where I need to be. Such a good feeling.

Last hurrah of summer

Here are a bunch of pictures from my trip to San Antonio. That's right I took a trip to visit my twin sister Nichole, her husband Jeff and their very special little girl who is one year old now! I took this trip the week before school starts!! A little crazy, I know. I can tell that school is starting soon because the nightmares have begun. Anyhow, more on that later! I had such a wonderful trip! Nichole told me that all she wanted for her birthday was to be able to spoil me and give me a really great trip. What a sweetheart! I just wanted to see my sister-friend and her little girl! That little girl is growing up so fast! I can't believe it! She is walking, however timidly, but I count it! She is such an angel! She babbles and babbles and loves to smile and laugh. She sure loves her Momma and Poppa, and is so so so much fun!

I did a better job of taking pictures! But didn't document seeing Jordan, one of my roommates when I lived in Provo. I also failed to document my Sea World experience!! So fun!

On Tuesday, I got in around 12:30 and just enjoyed being around Nichole and Abigail. That night Jordan came over and we ate huge pieces of ice cream cake (my favorite) and caught up with each other! Wednesday, we got our hair cut and I helped make Abigail smile during their family photo shoot (and snuck in on a couple too). We took the photos at the Chinese/Japanese Tea Gardens, which is a really pretty place. It was SO hot, but they got some really great pictures! Thursday we spent all day at Sea World! We went in the morning with Abigail, and in the evening it was just the adults! Super fun! We saw a show and played in the water, and went on a ride in the morning. In the evening we spent the whole time in Aquatica, the water park going down slides and floating in the lazy river! Today, our last activity on the list of to-do's was to get pedicures and manicures! Needless to say, it was such a fun relaxing wonderful trip. I wish it could have been longer.

First Sunday in River Oaks YSA ward

This is now my third time being a young single adult, so it was with some hesitation and trepidation that I went to the YSA ward today. It was really great! I feel like this ward has every kind of people in it and is very accepting and welcoming. I forgot how much they feed you in a singles ward! Today after church, which started at 1 with RS first, then Sunday School, then Sacrament Meeting, we had a munch and mingle with a potato bar. Super yummy. Then we had ward prayer with yummy popcorn balls. Mmm. Tomorrow is a stake activity with water games and a catered dinner! I am not just in it for the food, although that is an added perk and gives you something to do when you are new and don't really know anyone. I also loved the depth, insight and experience that I noticed in the lessons, comments, and sacrament meeting talks. I am excited to be part of something bigger than myself again! I am really glad to have Alexay to go through this with too. She is so awesome! At the welcome meeting, the Bishop bragged that this ward has so many activities. Apparently last week they had at least six activities, which is a little crazy.

Anyhow, the church is true no matter where you are or what kind of ward you are in. I really feel good about where I am.

Second SPED cohort reunion

This week I met with three more super awesome women that I went to school with! We met at Kneaders again, this time in Draper! Thanks Heather for driving all the way up here! I appreciated that so much. I found out that Haylie lives in my apartment complex which is so awesome! I feel so blessed how Heavenly Father puts people in my life. Breanne is moving to Chi-town, lucky girl! I will miss her so much. Heather, who has the sweetest little boy ever, just graduated! WooHooo! I just feel so much energy from being with people that I really connect with, and who are so nice to listen to me talk too.

Pictures I stole from Nichole's blog

Here are some pictures of when Nichole came to visit in June. We will be reunited again in less than a week!

A hard day and a happy heart.

Today was a hard day. Mostly because I lay in bed for hours praying that sleep would come and then woke up at 7:00 to my iPhone barking at me to get ready for training. So, needless to say, I was so tired today. Being tired and sitting in a training all day is probably the fourth most miserable thing I have ever experienced. Plus, I moved in last night but didn't make it to the grocery store, so my fridge and my tummy were very empty all day today. Add to that big life changes and you have a very sad Natalie. However, long talks with THE twin sister, random texts from friends who listen to the spirit, a long nap, a trip to the grocery store, a visit from a new neighbor with cookies, and food in my belly all culminate in my heart being very happy as I turn in for the night (although my eyes still hurt from lack of sleep and too much crying). I just wanted to record this so that I can remember the Lord's hand in my life even when my mind turns into a sieve (did I spell that right?).

The next chapter!

Here I am in my new apartment on my new bed (without pillows or sheets or blankets that fit) listening to the crickets and thinking (I really should be sleeping but there is just SO much going on in my heart and mind).

I loved loving in Alpine with my Aunt Linda. I felt so loved there. It was a perfect place for me to be in so many ways. I know I can always go
visit, it's just that there is amidst my excitement of having my own place again and not making the drive from Alpine to South Jordan or West Jordan everyday (really excited about that- gas is expensive) I feel some sadness. I hope that she knows how much I appreciate everything she has done for me. She got me a magnet to put on my fridge because she said that when she saw it it reminded her of me. Included at the end of this post (cus blogging is just harder on an iPad and I can't quite figure out how to put pictures in the middle of posts yet, be patient with me, I will get there eventually have you noticed that I add pictures now? I do get better with time!-what a long side note). Anyway the point of that whole things is how sweet my aunt is. I hope that I can give to others what she has given to me. I am of the firm opinion that you can never really "pay back" someone for their kindness and generosity, you can only pay it forward. A line from a hymn just popped into my head. "Because I have been given much, I too must give." Sometimes I wish I had a greater capacity to give, and I just have to remind myself to not run faster than I have strength, to trust in Heavenly Father's timing.

I do feel good about where I am living. I will put up pictures when things are more settled. (My friend Aubrey is going to come help me decorate this Friday, which I am really excited about. So maybe after then.) It is ten minutes from work, which is so nice, and eight minutes from where Alexay (my roommate) will be going to dental school.

Speaking of school, in the midst of packing and moving, I did go and begin setting up my classroom. I think I have said this a million times and I will say it again. I am so excited and so terrified. Walking down the hall to my new classroom with the custodian, I said the exact same thing and peppered her questions and she was so awesome and opened a bunch of classrooms for me to get an idea of how to set things up. The vice principal and principal came and talked with me to make sure I have the things I need and am comfortable with everything. Which is so nice! It is just such a crazy experience to be on the cusp of realizing my dream. To actually be a special education teacher. I will be in charge! What a scary thought. Haha! I feel like although I never would have imagined myself here where I am now, I know that heavenly father is moving me where he wants me to be. What a good feeling.

A good friend recommended that I listen to a collection of talks by S. Michael Wilcox including, "The fourth watch", "Walking on water", etc. I have been driving a ton lately and have listened to several hours a day. They are such amazing talks filled with insights about the scriptures and it really has helped keep me grounded. This is an exciting time with a lot of changes and somedays, some moments, some seconds I feel like I am a dam with the water pounding against me about ready to break.

I have been trying to change my name back to my maiden name but just learned that in order to do this I needed to state this in the divorce papers. So now there is more paperwork and hassle and makes me wonder if it Is even worth it. What's in a name anyway? It isn't that I hate being a Smith, I love it actually. It's a great name. I just am trying to move forward and just be me. Whoever that is, independent of anyone and dependent on god at the same time. Find my center, my balance, on my own. What a hard thing to do. Because I love to share. Life feels better and fuller when I am sharing it with someone. I am a twin! I have never been alone and have shared everything (including a not so spacious womb) and have been very grateful for that so often. There are good things for me to learn this way I suppose and it's all part of the plan. My plan of happiness, which looks much different from anyone else's plan.

Well, I have training all day tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, and Monday. Then I am off to Texas for my last hurrah of summer!

Sped cohort reunion

Today I met with these beautiful girls at Kneaders in Provo to catch up. We were all in the Special Education Cohort at BYU. Several of us are moving this summer, hence a smaller group. Also, those that couldn't meet this week will meet next week. These girls are seriously some of the best people I know. We talked for several hours today and I am so glad they are in my life!