I am so frustrated with myself.

I have painted myself into a corner, I never do what I should any more, and my grades are suffereing, plus I am always ina bad mood, because I never get my homework. Plus all the sleep that I get because I don't do homework does me no good. I still fall asleep in class, skip scriptures and prayer. I feel like I am drowning and there is no help for me. In order to do all I need to, I will have to stay up untill morning comes, and it is the price I pay for being so stupid, so I guss I better stop blabbing on this thing and get to work. However, there are sometimes when I feel like I have no one to go to, I am always complaining to God, he knows my troubles and I feel like I am a burden to him. My mom is always tired and doesn't feel well, plus she has her own worries. PLus Dad is always sleeping, watching TV, or in a bad mood. None of my so called friends see fit to caRe about me, and I pretend not to notice, I keep on being the "good friend" but at the moment, all these bitter feelings I am feeling don't constitute friendly behaviors. Sigh, I am getting bitter again. PLus, NIchole is so good, always plugging away, doing the things she knows she should. Understanding school, working hard at work and off work. Sigh, and to sit down next to that!! Wow! You have got to be kidding me, because when I do sit down, I am there twice as long. I know this isn't doing me any good either though, this game of avoiding. Pretending. Procastinating. I am out of the way long enough that people think I am working, becaus eI havea good reputation I suppose, but at the moment no one cares to check up on me. I feel like I am letting everyone down, and where I used to feel strong. I now feel weak and inadequate. I feel like crying but no tears come. Better go to work, and forget myself.
Natalie

What am I doing???

Well, it is extremely late and I am extremley tired. So what am I doing? WEll, today we celebrated Emily's birthday. It was fun. I made a cake while Nichole went to the Kunzelman's. What a great family, I wish I could be more like them. I talk to President Kunzelman today, he asked me about school. Bad topic. He asked me about reading scriptures, bad topic. I wish that I could have been more like NIchole, and answered him the way he wanted to be answered. I don't think I should have the calling I have. So much for faith. Carol is so tired. She won't be able to be at the Ettiquette Banquet, which we have morphed into a parent appreciation night. I wish I knew what to do for Carol. Sigh... Carol Reinoehl has to be the most angelic person I know. I also wish I was more like her. The Air Force called our house tonight. Recruiting stuff. Yeah, I am a sucker. I can't say no. He is coming to Robinson tomarrow and I let him think I was interested. I could be interested if I had confidence. Let me focus on one thing to write about. Here it is. Someone I wish I knew. She is someone who knows me and love me, or at least I would hope so. I think I know her, and then again I don't. She tucked me in when Mom was too busy to do so, she called me her fairy and she teased me mercilessly. She played with me, and loved me. SHe told me what I needed to know to grow up, but still let me be a kid. She has class, she has suffered lonliness, peer pressure, self-discovery (which is still happening I think), of all kinds. She is artistic and determined. She has a way with people, and holds her head high. She can pick out what she needs to do and will do it. SHe always did dishes with me. SHe loves music and she loves people. SHe loved me when I felt like no one else did. When Mike always got all the attention and Dad favored Nichole, and when Amy and I fought. SHe would come in and tuck me in. Just the way I liked it. I have always deep down inside wanted to be just like her,and yet completely different. Because I know that no one can ever be her equal she is always a step ahead. So, like a minion, I have tried to do it all, like I have seen her do and sadly I have been beaten down by myself. In the face of danger, which I often find looks a lot like a reflection in a mirror, I have cowered. I have given up, surrendered, and thus lost the fight. Some might say the war isn't over, there are other battles to be won. Even still, each battle brings the war closer to the end, and each outcome determines the final result. This battle cannot be taken back, I have lost it. So, even now today, when I see her, I find all in her that reminds me of me, and I loathe it. I hate it. That she is like me makes me wish I was never alive, because then maybe things would be different. I don't know why I write degrading things about myself. It doesn't do any good and I know that. PLus, I know that God loves me. SO that has tobe worth more than my own opinoin. Times up. Oh and by the way. That was my sister. My tragic figure, like in a Grecian Tragedy.
Natalie

Honey, I'm home...

Well, I am back from work. Already!! I know, that is a rarity. I have so much homework to do, but an update on my feelings. Okay, school really bums me out, I wish I was a straight A student, but I'm not and I am not smart enough to be my Daddy's hero and my Mother's pride. Oh, don't worry, they have never ever pressured me to be smart, or that they only love smart children, but I wish so much that I was that child. You know, the perfect one, that is all I have ever wanted... for selfish reasons no doubt. I admit it, I wish that I was the only one who did things right, so that I could be the hero and get all the honor and glory. Yeah, that's a christ-like attitude for ya! I know, I am working on it... I should do more! Plus, Nichole has really broken out of her shell and she is the prettier, skinnier one, who wears the right clothes, has the right hair, wears makeup, works hard, is smart and nice, and has the homecoming king liking her. Yeah. John York. What a character, he is someone you have to meet, and you probably have, he is the tyical homecoming king stereotype. He's cute, granted he has imperfections like a anglular nose, and one kidney, but basically that's as much as you can ask for . He's smart, 4.0, takes all the hard classes, is on math team, scholastic bowl, Beta Club, need I say more? He is popular too, with everyone, he is nice to all. Heck, when we first moved here, he was the only one who acknowledged us in the halls. He has a broken family, his grandmother just died, but he is the hero-type with a heart. He loves his family no matter what, his friends are friends for life, and he saves people without thought. He is in many ways a kid. So, that's my profile. He likes to razz us because we are from Iowa. Wow, did you catch that. I need to stop talking about myself like I have two heads or something! That's part of my problem, I feel like I am living in Nichole's shadow. Why should I feel like that, I shouldn't even care. She is my sister and I love her. We are both different and she loves me so much. SHe would do anything for me in a heartbeat. She always knows what to say, and says it. She also knows when not to say it. Don't get me wrong, she is not perfect in many ways. But more often that not she wins hands down in everything. I shouldn't even be feeling these selfish feelings. I just feel like I am in a corner. Boxed in, with no way, not really feeling like I deserve to get out. I should suffer for my bad choices, like not doing my homework. I feel so stupid, like today in Chemistry. Oh, gotta go.

Never been so far down....

Well hello,
If I didn't feel completely sure that no one even knew about my own little place on the world wide web, I wouldn't even be doing this. I feel so alone and misunderstood, and out of the loop. Before I have always been needed, always been on top of it. Not anymore. I am a loser and can't get out of this deepest sadness. I cried thoughout all of today. I am not doing well in my classes and have begun to give up. I never ever do anything I am proud of. Don't get me wrong I know what is right and will never ever deny the truth or give up my standards. But see, that's part of it too, I know what is right and I even feel it, I just can't understand why I am fighting it so much in the way I don't do what I know I should. Well, more of this is to come. I have to go get ready for work.

Natalie Clark 2005 

I have my doubts about this...

I don't know how I feel about this online journal deal. WEll, here goes. I don't know who reads these or even really cares about what I have to say. Today my thoughts go a little something like this. Although I feel so inadequate and have my doubts. God is there for me. Period end of the story. Everything will be okay. LIfe moves on. WEll, I don't really like this whole online process, I feel a little silly. All I really wanted to do was post a comment on my brother Mike's site. He's a cool kid. Well, I am totally exhausted, worn out, and it's time for bed.
Later.
Natalie