Purple Powerade

I have learned so much in my 2 years and four months of motherhood.  Being a mother is something I have dreamed about since I was a child.  It is something I cherish and hold dear to my heart.  Raising my two girls has brought more to my life.  More love, more laughter, more insight, more tears, more sleepless nights, more imagination, more singing, more exhaustion, more laundry.... you get
the picture.  I learn more every day.  I am not perfect and I battle daily, sometimes hourly, and today from moment to moment with feeling like I am enough for my two angel girls.  My sunshine babies.  I worry about being fun, providing them with learning experiences and every moment I try to protect them spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Long ago when I was young and eager, I was famous for my probing questions.  One question I asked everyone in my circle of friends and acquaintances was, "What one quality, if everyone was able to possess it perfectly, would help the world the most?"  Invariably, when one asks such profound questions they are asked right back to you.  My answer then, and now, was and is understanding/empathy.  If we could just take a step back and put ourselves in another's shoes before we were so quick to judge, the world would be a better place.  A gentler place.  A place of love and acceptance and growth.  As the years have gone on, and my life ebbs and flows I can tell you that as a mother my only advice to give is to be so careful, so very very careful of the things you say or even think critically of another mother who is giving her ALL to raise her precious creations.  When I was quick to judge a mother with a two year old attached to a binky, no sooner did I find myself with a two year old with a binky with absolutely no inkling of how to break her (or me) of that crutch.  When I spoke ill of people "not watching" their kids, I found my myself again eating my words.  Every single time I have looked outward and saw someone else lacking in the parenting department and thought that if/when I am in that situation I would do something different, I have come to face that same situation from the other side and have been found lacking.  It is a humbling position to be in and this message that I am sharing is mostly for me.  To remember to be understanding and compassionate.  Because we are all human.  Because we all make mistakes.  Because, as parents, we are all trying and giving this thing the best that we have.  This dance is a tricky one.  It takes it all, blood, sweat, and tears.

Today I share my tears with you.  I share my mistake.  I share it in hopes of spreading awareness and spreading understanding and compassion.  I don't write beautifully, but I do write honestly and earnestly in this moment.

Today I woke up tired.  Tired from not sleeping through the night, from moving a month ago and still not having a spot for everything, from staying up too late with my late-to-bed-late-to-rise 2-year-old and getting up early with my early-to-bed-early-to-rise 6 month old.  I woke up sore.  Sore from exercising, gardening, carrying babies, and stooping to fold laundry and pick up toys.  I was out of sorts, struggling to get on top of the day like someone chasing a runaway train.  I made my bed, because Ive read that helps calm nerves and helps you be more productive.  I prayed and prayed for peace to calm my rising anxiety and frustration.  Still, I was running on empty and kept on going.  I headed to the grocery store with a screaming two year who was tired and hot.  I negotiated through her power struggles and almost made it back home when I received a call from my husband asking me to get a couple of things from home depot while I was out.  Of course, no problem.  I did drop the two year old off at home and then headed back out with my six month old asleep in the car.  My husband, sensing my troubled spirit called while I was out to talk to me.  So I poured out my feelings of falling short and my exhaustion (hands free) while I drove to the "daddy store" as we call it in my house.  I remember saying to him, "Ok, I'm here" while continuing to talk to him.  I don't know how or why.  Maybe it was because my baby was sleeping and not making noise, maybe it was because I was on the phone, maybe it was because my two year old wasn't with me, maybe it was because I was exhausted.  Honestly, it doesn't matter why, and it doesn't excuse me from the mistake that happened. BUT I did do it.  I left my baby in the car.  Turned it off.  Went inside the store.  Without her.  In the summer.  On a 90 degree or hotter day.  And honestly.  I didn't even remember until I came back out of the store 15-20 minutes later.  The realization of my error stopped me in my tracks, took the breath out of me, and I looked around me.  There were several employees gathered around.  One had a clipboard.  And one had a baby.  A baby in an outfit that I owned.  MY baby.  The man in the clipboard said, "I take it you are the one who left your baby in the car."  Me.  I left my baby in the car.    I walked up to the woman holding my baby, reached out to her and said, "Can I have my baby."  She hesitated.  She didn't want to give me my own baby.  She was angry.  She said, "Well you can hold her, but you can't go anywhere because the police have been called."  I said that I wouldn't go anywhere.  She then proceeded to yell at me and tell me I shouldn't leave my kids in the car.  That did I know how long she had been holding her?   That she was hot and red when she was found.  That she could have died.  I asked her not to yell at me, and she got even angrier with me.  Saying that I shouldn't blame this on her (I wasn't).  I tried to talk to her, to explain that I know that kids should not be left in the car.  That I had made a mistake.  But she couldn't even look at me.  She was so angry. And, lets be real.  She had reason.  She was upset with the injustice of a tiny baby who can't fend for herself being left in a car.  That was my fault.  I messed up big time.  I stood there, waiting for the police to come feeling the agony of guilt knowing I was to blame.  Knowing it could have been much worse.  Grateful for the people who saw her and got her out of my car.  Grateful for the woman who yelled at me who calmed my hot, crying baby when I wasn't there.  Sobbing.  Sobbing and holding my baby waiting for the police to come and cite me for child abuse/neglect.  Another employee came up to me and said, "Why did you leave your baby in the car?"  I was speechless except for to say, "I made a mistake, I had a lot on my mind and I forgot she was with me."  

My fingers are stiff as I type this.  My eyes swollen from hours of crying.  My mind exhausted.  My heart broken.  My confidence shaken.  I don't want to post this, but I can't stop thinking about this.  Me, a good person, a daughter of god, made a mistake that could have resulted in the loss of my child's life.  The same child who is my miracle baby.  The baby with whom I spent over a month in Primary Children's Hospital fighting illness after illness.  How could I forget my baby in the car?  I remember seeing just days ago a news article stating that the incidence of children being left in hot cars this summer was double what it has been in the past.  I remember thinking about how tragic, and not understanding how this could happen.  I still don't understand how it happened to me.  Except for the fact that I am so very flawed.  So very human.  I fall short every day.  Especially this day.  I remember  seeing a post on my Mamahood Facebook group with a picture of a baby in a carseat with a shoe next to the seat.  The mama was stating that this was her plan, to take off her shoe and leave it with her baby because you can't forget your shoe.  I remember thinking that while this was a good idea, I would never need to do this.  I read the comments this woman received and was appalled at the amount of negative feedback posted.  How, if you needed to take of your shoe to remember that you had a child you didn't deserve to have one....  Ouch.  Where is our empathy for our fellowmen?  For those that are traveling this journey of life with us?  Where is our understanding?  Where is our compassion?

So here I am.  Waiting for the cop to read over my statement and the statement of the man who found my baby in a hot car.  Crying and crying and whispering to my baby how sorry I am, how much I love her, and that I will never be so careless again.  While I wait, my baby gets hungry.  So I go get my nursing cover and inform the cops that she needs to eat.  I sit on the curb by the police car and feed my baby in front of home depot in the heat of the day and cry.  Two men walk by in bright green shirts carrying a window to their truck.  They notice me and I look away, humiliated.  I should be.  I deserve to be humiliated, to remember every second of this horrible experience so it never happens again.  And then.  "Here, would you like a drink?"  One of the green shirted men stood next to me, holding out a purple powerade.  That's all.  He didn't pry.  He didn't ask if he could help, even.  He noticed a woman, sitting on a curb in front of a police car in the middle of a hot afternoon nursing her baby while he was loading a window into his truck.  The powerade was cold.  So he either had a cooler in his truck, indicating he works long hot hours in the sun and was probably eager to enjoy one of his cold purple powerades himself.  Or, he had just bought it for himself.  And gave it to me.  I hesitated.  I thought of my hot baby in the car just moments ago, and almost declined the purple powerade to punish myself for my carelessness.  I didn't, I just thanked the man and he walked away. I received my citation and the cop followed me home, because if I could leave my baby in the car am I really safe to drive home?

So why am I sharing this deeply personal experience on the interwebs?  I don't even know.  I can't get it off my mind.  I want to plead with everyone I know and everyone I don't to be so careful with your babies, and I know that you know.  I know that you are a good mom/dad/caregiver.  I know that you love them and that you are diligent.  I know.  I know so well.  I also want to share my purple powerade with you.  I want hand you that cold drink as you are sitting on a curb crying because you have fallen short.  I am right there with you.  I haven't drunk it yet...and maybe I won't.  Maybe I will pass it on instead.

A Long Time Coming...

I have been out of the blogging scene for several months now, and I have a lot to talk about and not very much time. So the important things first! I met a wonderful, kind, honest, genuine, handsome, serving, patient, sensitive, strong, smart, capable young man names Joseph McKay Smith on December 3rd. We began dating a week later and were engaged on February 21. We are going to get married on June 1st in the Oquirr Mountain temple. He is 22 and recently returned from serving a mission in Kennewick, Washington. He is currently attending SLCC to get his generals out of the way, majoring Business currently but thinking about switching to Psychology. Ultimately he wants to teach seminary! He loves movies, superman, his mission, his family (he has seven sisters and one brother, and 15 nieces and nephews), camping, hiking, backpacking, singing, helping the people he loves, grilling steaks and hamburgers, making breakfast, building and fixing things. He works as a para educator in a self contained special education class and volunteers in my classroom on occasion. We are an excellent fit. He understands me and my heart and loves me completely and unconditionally. I feel that we have been prepared for each other, and I know God loves us both very much to have brought us together.

The pain of past relationships that have not turned out in the ways that I would have liked is still with me, evolving as I move forward, lessening in some ways and creeping up in unexpected frustrating ways. It is worth it all to be where I am doing what I know my Heavenly Father would have me do right now.

That is all for now. I just wanted to document my happiness.

A cold winter...

It has been a very cold winter here in Utah. I usually don't complain about winters being cold in UT because I grew up in Iowa, where the wind chill in the winter would be - degrees most of the time. That being said, it has been so cold!

This means we have been watching lots of movies lately. We being my newly acquired roommate Maddie who is the music therapist at the school where I work and one of her many guy friends, Joseph, my favorite guy friend, and occasionally Alexay when dental school hasn't taken over her life.

Maddie just bought a new tv, and it is beautiful. It is a 50 inch plasma tv, and I bought a DVD player that plays Netflix, pandora, and YouTube. It's fun. A couple movies I have seen lately include Strictly Ballroom and Pitch Perfect. Pretty funny movies. I enjoyed them. But I genuinely enjoy most movies. I'm not much of a critic.

I went sledding with Joseph and his nieces and nephews on Saturday. It was really fun! However, the lingering pain of me trying to be young and daring has not been as fun. I borrowed a ten year olds sled, the kind where you hold onto the handles while on your knees and went down a "jump." I landed on my neck and shoulders. It was sore on Sunday and got progressively worse til Tuesday morning I woke up and couldn't move. I literally stayed I'm bed all day yesterday and put heat on my neck... Which was a bad move because apparently I should have iced it instead. The heat made it worse! I went to a chiropractor today and she recommended that I take tomorrow off as well. It makes me feel bad leaving my class, but chances are they are just fine without me. I love my job.

Well, this was just a little update. Pretty boring, but hey I'll take boring any day.

Sincerely, Natalie

How to be sincerely grateful?

There is an anecdotal story of a king who asked for counsel that would help him remain humble in prosperous times and hopeful in perilous times. That counsel which was inscribed on the inside of a ring was, "This too shall pass."

We live in a world of opposing dualities. When asked, "How was your day?" or "How are you doing?" I find it harder and harder to give a simple, "Good" and feel satisfied with being both polite and honest. I feel that it is vital to happiness to learn to be grateful. However, in trying to explain to my students in my class what that means, the simple explanation that I gave them later tortured me. I told them being grateful or thankful means to recognize what things you like in your life. This tortured me because it is so much more than that. Being grateful to me is really being cognizant of all in your life and seeing God in all of it. That to me, is the purpose of expressing gratitude. To put what we have in perspective of who we are, where we are and what is around the corner for us.

I found some quotes which piece together meaning for me as 'words to live by' in my quest to be grateful for ALL that I have and am.

"Those of us who have been around a while—and Elder Wirthlin and I have been around for a long time—have recognized certain patterns in life’s test. There are cycles of good and bad times, ups and downs, periods of joy and sadness, and times of plenty as well as scarcity. When our lives turn in an unanticipated and undesirable direction, sometimes we experience stress and anxiety. One of the challenges of this mortal experience is to not allow the stresses and strains of life to get the better of us—to endure the varied seasons of life while remaining positive, even optimistic. Perhaps when difficulties and challenges strike, we should have these hopeful words of Robert Browning etched in our minds: “The best is yet to be” (“Rabbi Ben Ezra,” in Charles W. Eliot, ed., The Harvard Classics, 50 vols. [1909–10], 42:1103). We can’t predict all the struggles and storms in life, not even the ones just around the next corner, but as persons of faith and hope, we know beyond the shadow of any doubt that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and the best is yet to come. (2008 October General Conference, Let Him Do It with Simplicity, Sat. Morning Session - L. Tom Perry)

I do believe that the best is yet to be, even when I do not feel it burning in my bosom. I believe that good people who honestly do their best and turn to God, that for them good things keep on coming. Another quote...

"Sometimes it is hard to move on, but we must. And moving on doesn’t mean forgetting friendships, forcing memories to fade. It means opening our hearts to even more happiness and more experiences." (Oct. 2012 Ensign, Good Things Keep On Coming, Caitlin A. Rush)

I can honestly say that I am grateful for all of my experiences. I haven't always felt that way, but I do. I feel that Michael dying has provided a breadth and depth to my life that I would not have achieved in any other way. Is it blissful... no! Worth it? Yes! As Mitch Albom puts it, " “Death ends a life, not a relationship.” Do I understand the ins and out of my marriage and subsequent and recent divorce? Am I grateful for it all yet? Not yet, but someday I hope to be at that point. I do already see the value in an experience such as this. I am stronger, more certain of who I am in some ways, more open to understand others, and just as stubborn in what makes me fundamentally ME.

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I am finding my way out of the depths and learning to be grateful for those depths.

"Change is the Lord’s way. He wants us to be happy and growing, to be excited to move on with our lives. Life is a journey, and while still enjoying the present and preparing for inevitable challenges, we must move forward, remaining optimistic, our hearts open to the experiences and good things that are undoubtedly on their way." (Oct. 2012 Ensign, Good Things Keep On Coming, Caitlin A. Rush)

So much to say, so little time...

It has been FOREVER since I have posted anything. The longer I go without writing a post, the more urgently I feel the need to write a post yet here I am blanking on where to start.

Let's start with today. With the snow and the change in weather added to the stress of my wonderful (although all-consuming and incredibly challenging) job my auto-immune disorders have really flared up. This translates to me sleeping lots with increased fatigue when I am awake and being in considerable more pain than is typical for me. Yet. I don't want to complain or really talk about it too much. I do want to acknowledge that it is there and affects me. I want to be someone that deals with life's challenges gracefully. I think this includes health challenges. Part of being graceful includes being grateful for ALL that you have. Not just the parts you enjoy. I am grateful for my health, which I suppose in some measure, means I am grateful for the achey, painful, tired portions along with the working, able body and mind portions.

That being said, I didn't wake up when my Mom called me three times this morning. My mom calls me every morning and talks to me on her way to work. At the beginning of the school year it was so that I would wake up super early so I could go to work and be prepared for school. On the days I still need to be up early I wake up, otherwise I go back to sleep and wake up to my alarm. Some mornings I forget to set my alarm though. Today was one of them. I still woke up with plenty of time to get to work on time (albeit I was rushed and didn't look as nice as I could have). Days like today when I wake up without an alarm I really believe that Heavenly Father wakes me up.

On to my job. I love my job. It is by far the very best part of my life. I love my team, although certain members can be difficult to work with at times. I love my students, although figuring out how to reach them and measure their progress in terms of data, keep up with paperwork and everything else keeps me on my toes. If I am not careful I can get very discouraged, but it isn't worth it. I know I can be better and I want to be better. I also know I am doing my best right now with the energy and experience that I have.
It was a crazy day but a good day. I was missing a couple of students and this changes the dynamics of the whole class. It was really a pretty quiet day all in all.

For FHE we went to Temple Square and had a cooking class at the Lion House and played Family History Jeopardy at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. It was really a good FHE. During the cooking class, the Chef explained that while we thought it was a cooking class, it was really a dating class. He asked what date was, and I said, "Paid for, paired off, and planned." He asked my name, if I was dating anyone and if he could embarrass me. He then asked the guy next to me (who is in my ward and IS dating someone-ahem, the girl who was sitting right next to him) and myself to come up. He had me smash garlic and add it to this yummy alfredo pasta dish he was showing us how to make. Then he had this guy "teach" me how to chop it up (by putting his arms around me, etc. etc.) in front of the whole group. He then served up two plates and set a table for us in front of everyone and we got to go on a little date as a visual aid for his cooking/dating class. This was both amazing (because of the food, I was not feeling well- a little faint even and this really helped me feel better) and super AWKWARD. Because this guy, my elders quorum president went on a "date" with me in front of his girlfriend (and 50 other people). Also because, this amazing food that everyone got to see and smell... I ate in front of them. I felt bad all around... but also very grateful for the food.

So that was my day. Pretty interesting.

Sad feelings

So the past few days have been regular normal, run of the mill days, and then the evening has come with an emptiness, loneliness and sadness that rivals some of my saddest moments. I don't say this for sympathy or pity. I share it because it is a part of me, my life, and my journey toward creating my own happiness amidst it all.

While in this state I get on the internet and search out quotes. I find this to be therapeutic. I also search for songs, but you know this already. So I have a quote and a couple songs I have found .

"Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That's its balance." -- Osho

I love that. That is how I experience both sadness and happiness. They are part of the same plant. Speaking of plants, today for my science lesson I taught about how seeds grow into plants. It's pretty miraculous how that happens. How everything the seed needs to grow is inside itself, and it needs is the right atmosphere to completely transform itself. I showed my class a Youtube video called "The One Seed." At the end it talks about ideas can be like seeds. Something small that given the proper care and environment leads to large movements. I really liked that parallel.

Which leads me to my first latest favorite song, called "Whole Wide World," by Mindy Gledhill. It was introduced to me by a friend who is taking this song and using it as the inspiration behind battling life's challenges by literally walking 100 miles, like the song lyrics suggest. It's amazing. I listen to it probably every day.

So, youtube it. Here are the lyrics.
WHOLE WIDE WORLD
Mindy Gledhill

I’m gonna walk a hundred miles
I’m gonna whistle all the while
If that’s what it takes to make me smile
I’m gonna walk a hundred miles

I’m gonna run right up this hill
Summer sky or winter chill
If I gotta take a break I will
But I’m gonna run right up this hill

Chorus:
I wanna hold the whole wide world
Right here in my open hands
Maybe I’m just a little girl
A little girl with great big plans

I’m gonna go and take a chance
I’m gonna learn to ballet dance
Learn a little something ‘bout romance
I’m gonna go and take a chance

I’m gonna live a crazy dream
Impossible as it may seem
Doesn’t matter what the future brings
I’m gonna live a crazy dream

[Chorus]

You tell me, “don’t try it”
I’m warning you that I won’t buy it
All failure is fleeting
I trust it always has its meaning

[Chorus]

It is such a positive song that articulates how anything is possible when you decide you want to do something and go for it. No matter who you are. Even if you are just a "little girl."

As many of you are aware, my first husband died in a car accident 4 years ago on September 18th. He is my love. I will always love him. Great guy, he taught me so much. My brother found this song called "Jealous of the Angels" by Jenn Bostic. Here are the lyrics. This is definitely one you will want to youtube as well.

"I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then

God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

Singin' hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne
Tonight"

Yup, there are hardly words to express all the thoughts and feelings related to this, and this may not be the best place to process that "stuff." So... there are the thoughts and words of others that my soul has responded to lately.

Another message that I have viewed and pondered daily is the mormon message entitled "The Will of God." The transcript is excerpts from D. Todd Christofferson's general conference talk, "As Many As I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten."

"I would like to speak of one particular attitude and practice we need to adopt if we are to meet our Heavenly Father’s high expectations. It is this: willingly to accept and even seek correction.

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

Years later, President Brown was a field officer in the Canadian Army serving in England. When a superior officer became a battle casualty, President Brown was in line to be promoted to general, and he was summoned to London. But even though he was fully qualified for the promotion, it was denied him because he was a Mormon. The commanding general said in essence, “You deserve the appointment, but I cannot give it to you.” What President Brown had spent 10 years hoping, praying, and preparing for slipped through his fingers in that moment because of blatant discrimination. Continuing his story, President Brown remembered:

“I got on the train and started back … with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. … When I got to my tent, … I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, ‘How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?’ I was as bitter as gall.

“And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, ‘I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.’ The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness. …

“… And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to [God] and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’”

So powerful and applicable to each of our lives. It reminds me of my little rose plant that I have learned to prune so that it will continue to flower.

That's all for now.

Just when you think it can't get any worse...

Lightening strikes and the rain pours, right? At least that is how it works if you are the damsel in distress in a Disney movie.

I had a moment like this... Last Monday was quite a rough day at work. Mondays can be behaviorally challenging, especially when the students rely upon routine and constancy. The weekends tend to shake that up a bit. So, anyhow, I am driving from school to a first year teacher training when, as I push on the gas, my car makes this horrible sound and dies at the intersection at redwood road and 104th south. I sit in my car and think... "What do I do?  This has never happened before."  I call my insurance who put me in touch with a tow truck and while I am on the phone a random stranger (bless him) with a truck and a tow rope pulls in front of me and asks if I would like him to tow me out of the road!  Yes, please.  That was tender mercy number one in my fiasco of a day.  So this random stranger named Terry, tows me to a Smith's parking lot.  The tow truck comes and because I don't know any mechanics in West Jordan refers me to a mechanic, "An Honest Mechanic."  As we are driving there (and I am subsequently missing my training) I think that if I were in a Disney movie, right about now would be the time that the lightening would strike and the rain would take it's cue from the overcast skies.  AND.... it started raining seconds after that thought crossed my mind.  Just goes to show how powerful our thoughts are.  Haha!  Just kidding.  I am not that powerful.  To continue with my story, even though it was after five, the mechanic was still there and was kind enough to give me a ride home because no one was available to come to my rescue.  Tender mercy two- random mechanic gives me a ride home.

The days that followed that Monday included dozens more tender mercies.  My car was in the shop for a week and was very expensive to fix.  AND at the same time, through it all I had a girl from work pick me up and take me to work and bring me to home every day I needed.  I had a friend take me grocery shopping, and had rides to church and church activities with my roommate and friends.  I didn't want for anything,  excepting my independence.  Which for a week is not so bad.

This past week has also been very challenging.  I am learning, however slowly and stubbornly, that hard does not equal bad and that the most worthwhile things are challenging and exhausting.  Would I like things to be easier?  Yes... I think that is the essence of hope.  To hope for better days and happier times.  Gratitude is what makes challenging times bearable.  It is all just a process, and I will get to where I am going in just the way I need to.  I need to be grateful for the progress I am making and recognize the progress (however small) my students are making.

I have two IEPs on Monday (aahhh!), Tuesday I take my class out into the community (we are going to Gardner Village-- FUN!) for Community Based Training, and on Friday I have a behavior conference- which means I won't be with my class.  I feel like a mother leaving her babies for the first time... well I can't know that for sure because I am not a mother and I don't have babies.  It's what I imagine it would feel like though.  If I can survive this week, than I can do more that I think I am capable of.

I hope I learn to manage things better soon because I still come home every Friday and CRASH.  Hard core crashing goes on every Friday night (this is one plus to not having hot Friday night dates).  I come home at 5:00 ish and sleep till Saturday morning.  Usually with work clothes on, contacts still in, and without brushing my teeth.  (I know... gross).  To add to my lack of sleep, I have been having a hard time finding time to eat.  Which doesn't help my exhaustion.

This Saturday I went to Kauri Sue's Fun Run!  It was really fun to see the school community get together to support the school and each other.  I love where I work.

This was a much needed update, and I am leaving out plenty of juicy details.  Hope all is well for you!