dream outloud

Well Folks, this is it. It's my last couple hours at work before the madness truly begins...

I'm not ready.

Which is odd, because usually, when I'm given the chance to get out
of the country, I'm ready to go at the drop of a hat - no problemo. So, it's pretty confusing to me that this time 'round I'm so anxious about the trip. I have so many things running through my head, it feels impossible to organize them all into coherent thought. Just writing out a packing list seems like the largest task in the world. Man, do I need some perspective. Geez!

So much has been happening lately, I feel pretty off center. I haven't really had any time to myself in weeks. Three out of the past four weekends I've been working at camp - which is just about my favorite thing to do in the world - but I'm tired. And I'm kinda stressed out by all that I need to accomplish in the next 24 hours. Oh, everything that needs to happen will, and everything I need to do will get done - it's just that I'm going to be running around like a chicken with my head cut off while doing it.

In my defense, it is pretty hard to pack for a missions trip - with work clothes, and 50 recorders (wind instruments) for the kids, plus gifts - AND for "vacation time" in London with friends - hip street clothes (right, like I have anything "hip" in my closet) for nights on the town, and strolling across the Millennium Bridge. Yup, it's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to get inventive in my clothing combos.

Lord - please make the room stop spinning and help me to focus. To focus on the important things, and to trust you. Please grant me peace and comfort as I find myself facing some unusual circumstances. Please bless all the many legs of our journeys - to London, and Armenia, and back again. Guide my interactions with others, and help me to set my heart and mind on you. Jesus, be the center. Be the place and the person in whom I find hope, and rest. Let the overflow of my heart impact those around me, and let your Name be glorified. Amen.

Wow. I can't believe how quickly time is flying by. I leave for Armenia in less than a week. And between now and then, I'll only be home for 3 days...phew - I've got a lot to accomplish in three days...

Our upcoming trip to Armenia has been fraught with changes from it's initial planning stages up until now.

It has morphed in Size and Players: from being a team of about 12 people, to being a team of 5.

It's morphed in Script: from going over to build a new playground and take part in a food and firewood distribution, to doing a random mishmash of things we're still not even sure of (but which may include painting at the ARM orphanage, programs for kids at different orphanages, repairs on past playgrounds we've built, etc).

And it's morphed in so many other ways. One of those ways is through tragedy: One of the ARM staff's sisters has become (perhaps) fatally ill, and we've certainly encouraged her to spend time with her family, and just taking care of herself in this time. But, she was also the person with whom 2 of us were going to be staying with, a translator, and the only one who could drive the ARM van. Please pray for her as she deals with all these additional pressures and sorrows in her life - that God would comfort her, and that we'd be an encouragement to her in her time of need. Pray too that we'd find reasonably priced taxi drivers, and that we'd have really great replacement translators.

Also, the reason we're not able to build a new playground this trip, is because our playground is still wrapped up in customs. So, please pray that the playground would be passed through customs very quickly, without any problems, and that everything would go smoothly, so the next team who goes to Armenia is able to build it.

Personally, as I prepare for this trip, I definitely need prayer that I would have the right heart and the right spirit going into this. And that I'd just get everything pulled together in the short time before I leave.

And while I've got you praying - this weekend, I'll be back at Timber-lee to help with our annual Mother/Daughter Retreat. I'm really looking forward to it (it always ministers to me as much as our guests to be up there and participate in the weekends), and I would love your prayers for safety for our guests as they travel, and are at camp; that they'd have a wonderful time with each other, and that they'd really be able to meet God this weekend. Pray for our speaker - Molly Sanborn, and our worship leader - Bethany Arndt, and for all the various activities and personal interactions that will take place this weekend.

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be a part of so many wonderful things. Be glorified!

I really haven't moved very much in my life. I moved to college in Indiana when I was 18, I spent a semester studying abroad in Lithuania my senior year, moved back to Indiana, and when I graduated, I moved back home to Chicago with the intention of returning to Indiana for a job that would begin in December, which later fell through. Now, I live in the same house that I've lived in since I was 2 years old and in the same room I've lived in since I was 12, with the same people I've lived with since I was born.

Not a whole lot has changed. In fact, at 27, I pretty much feel like I'm back in high school. I'm living in my old room. I don't have a car, so I have to ask to borrow my Dad's. My Mom's always giving me 20 Questions: "Where are you going?", "Who are you going with?", What are you doing?", "What time do you think you'll get home?". Or calling me at work to tell me she might not be home in time to cook dinner. Dang. You mean, I might have a few minutes of peace? (dripping with sarcasm)

As much as I know that they only ask questions because they love me and they want to know what's going on in my life, I need (and have always needed) a certain amount of space. And that amount is "a lot". Which I have never received when living at home. Yeah, I guess that's pretty typical in most families...but I definitely feel like I'm past that point. I'm a couple years from 30, and still in the living situation of a 16 year old. Which really grates on my independent spirit.

Actually, it's incredibly ironic (and tragic) that out of us 3 siblings, I'm the child still living at home. (Okay, Ricky lives at home, but he's 19, and is pretty okay with it). I was always the one who was itching to get out of the house, live on my own, see the world, be a successful career woman... And here I am, eating family dinner, and retiring to my room where I try to avoid remembering that I live at home, and then go to sleep in the same twin bed that I've been sleeping in for the past 15 years. Weird. Strange. Sad. Don't get me wrong - I love my family. I just love them much, much better from a distance.

Yup, I'm Stuck.

You're probably wondering, "why doesn't she just move out?". And I'll tell you - Chicago is a very expensive city to live in. And I have a lot of very pricey school loans (which were not really worth it), and a not very well paying job (yet more evidence that it was not really worth it). So, living rent-free is a very nice option. If I could put what I pay in loans bills every month into an apartment, I'd have some pretty sweet digs. But as it is, I feel incredibly burdened to get rid of my loan-burdens as quickly as possible. Even if it means not living the way I thought I'd be living right now. And living with my family. And answering 20 Questions. And borrowing a car.

But, the main reason I keep staying "stuck" where I'm at, is because what I keep hearing from God is: "wait".

I gotta tell you - I really don't like this word -

"wait".

It definitely cramps my style. But, like I've been talking about in blogs past - "God's time is the right time".

So, I'll wait. Oh, I'll have my moments of frustration, and doubt. And I'll have moments when I want to tear my hair out and run as fast as possible from my parent's Bungalow. But, I'll wait. Because the rewards of obeying God and waiting far outweighs a future of my own making.