the last post was jan 11 2009.
goodness.
well, at least it was 2009, not something as horrifically ancient as i imagined it was. (along the tunes of 782BC. something like that.)

been way too amorphically uninspired and tired/lazy/hopelessly slackerish to blog.
i couldn't see the point of putting words on a white space when the words will be subjected to antiquity. solitary antiquity.
somehow, things that drive me to action are getting more and more tangible. in the past i used to run on spontaneity, being benzenenana and all. nowadays i don't even deign to pretend to move my rapidly coagulating and conolidating ass unless someone issues me a court order.
it's mass+inertia+aging. which i have nature, good food and my jeans (scratch that) genes to thank for.

clinicals are suspended. it's unofficially chaomuggerlandtime again, but i have not touched my textbook. the useless thin one that everyone says is inadequate. yup. haven't touched that one, and haven't downloaded the 1847582894398 lectures on ivle, and haven't done single effing thing besides playing hell's kitchen on facebook.

i am a pig. but i don't have swine flu. oh, oops. it's influenza A H1N1 now. hahaha.

am awaiting news on my incoming (HAHAHAHA. makes her sound like spam mail) goddaughter. she is umm. on her way over at mt alvernia, where her mummy must be getting rather high on etonox or pethidine right now. and i can anticipate that her daddy is currently nursing 158 bruises, 1 torn ear (the one nearest mummy) and 42 fractures. makes me feel like procreating!!!!! urgh. my friends need to stop getting married and having babies. i feel like some celibate nun from the upper hills of kathmandu next to them :P

am not liking the medical system. am getting freaked out thinking of how i will be sitting my mbbs in 2years' time. i will be standing there, reporting on a patient. i have 365x2 = 730 days to learn and retain enough info to convince winkled old men that i can be a competent doctor. they must be dreading the day they have to examine me and contemplate the fact that they may have a vague possibility of having to qualify me as one of their esteemed colleagues :P

i am SO not a good medical student.

i need to bake. i need to go k box. i need to think about why i am still in this mode when i should be idunnogoingoutbeingaggressivelearningthingsutterlyimmaterialtobeingahuman.

and i need to stop playing hell's kitchen. urgh!

it has never been hard.

teacups, silvery things, gilded saucers partaken
with steel wrists. wrists of steel
acidly denying refusal
even with shakes of the head.

drink the tea, all of you.
drink it all up, drain the bitter cup.
debutantes all, husha-husha! may you fall down!

these steel wrists, intricacies in themselves
insomuch they are steel, cold dead metal, and yet they breathe life.
the harsh stench of their breath; it denies life.
why? why does steel live, and yet die
with the passing of its protege?

the garotte hold of the starched collar wilts
with the will.
but not the stranglehold on the bleeding frame.
the frame, it bleeds, but not for long.

one day, when the heart stills, the crimson flow will halt.

drink it all up, you cursed debutantes. drink the poison
you so kindheartedly brewed
for yourself.

and dance, dance the last dance

i want to see the feet fall.
fall to the ground, resolutely

as you free your crimson flows.

the last post was in august!!!!! the 18th. how freaking long ago was THAT???

(consider the fact that NANA consists of said amorphous blob of protoplasm without associated brains or memory capacity for even what she ate for breakfast this morning, and you get the idea.)

i've been leading quite a happening life... if u define happening as "having events, persons, and opportunities occur to oneself at a minimum frequency of 5 per second". hmm. not that there's anything inherently wrong with having a happening life. even if the things that happen, so to speak, aren't the most fantastic or joy-giving, they somehow give me the sense that, yeah, i've been through that. so bring it on. hahaha :D

right. so instead of ploughing through the great list of disgusting, delightful, debilitating, detonating things that i've experienced (at duress or free will), maybe i ought to post a list of my very hilarious, very amazingly ambitious, and very entertainment-ful (:D) new year resolutions.

but first, the mannikins are beckoning. i'm gonna go stick tubes in their airways, and then come back. haha.

see, my bro's blog is so much more happening. HAPPENING, people! so go read his first until i update mine. haha :D

p.s. i was just wondering. (you know, random thought.) if my bro marries a gal called C... their kids would be Csquared and Ccubed. at least it's not CJ7..... XD

Maybe it's intuition
but some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes, I think I found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life



fixing my heart on a single instant.
not daring to breathe, for fear of blowing the fragile wisps of hope away.
tell me you feel the same, tell me you think this way. tell me i'm not putting myself out for a lie, tell me i'll be safe in your arms.
tell me, tell me. i'm here, waiting.

so many things happened.

when i said so many things happened, i mean: so. (resigned exclamation) many things happened. haha. urgh. what am i blabbering on about? urgh.

haha so surgery eopts over, last friday. was a nerve wracking experience... well at least until the part when my incredibly unintelligent answers made the 2 examiners crack up and shake their heads in... incredulity. haha. so chances of clearing it - haha.

so right after eopts, it was batam time :D nice, nice. i like :D it was the first time i enjoyed living-eating-playing-being randoming-fellowshipping with so many bros and sisters from church! :D haha. and they're really very fun people. kudos to mel my bedmate, josiah and cindy and weiping and weichang and kunfu and NOT FORGETTING victor and ps ezekiel for all the hard work! yayness it was a great camp :D hee. i learnt how to play bridge!!!! and that mahjong is a very intense game that requires players to stay up all night and turn into zombies the morning after :D and that beef bulgolgi is nice! haha. and penne pasta with tomato sauce is a great starter at breakfast :D and i totally totally learnta lot at the sermons, which proves that yes, pastors are incredibly underpaid geniuses. haha :D i am seriously considering attending theological college sometime in my life! :D oh yes. and i am so NOT going to take a ferry to batam ever again. next time we go, i'm getting a 1 day headstart and i'm gonna swim there. haha :D builds muscles too.

and yesterday was cg outing!!!! i learnt that grace makes a great inpromptu baker. and chewy choc cookies are nicenice! and B&J's strawberry cheesecake ice cream is SERIOUSLY irresistible. and bowling is NOT a sport! hahaha. for the faint hearted! :) thanks kw for being a great host!

and yes. it's time for lunch, and tuition. lolx.

i love holidays.

more moons please!!! :P

have i said i love ice cream?
yup, i believe i have.

i love ice cream! *squeaks* i LOVE ice cream. it's not a proclamation, it's a compulsion to announce to the world, at the risk of sounding like a totally lifeless retard with nothing better to do with her life than consume cold confectionaries.

especially cookies and cream ice cream.

yum.

at this point in time, i believe it's customary and an obligation to bring out photos of my stuffing my oral orifice with chilled milk and cookies bits... but unfortunately i am usually, no, make that habitually and unimpeachably (new word in my vocab!!! excited.), preoccupied with the acutal ritual of consumption that i fail to notice that my bodily existence consists of anything more than 2 arms, an attached spoon, a tub of ice cream, and a mouth. yup. so i forget that cameras exist, too.

anyway, i think we're all supposed to be like this huge amorphous mass of boing!boing! protoplasm in heaven (without the body bits, the clothes bits -HARHARHAR! take that, u LV and gucci maniacs- and the other wordly bits) so doesn't matter if i practise dissociating from the physical me now, i guess :D

and ice cream makes me happy. very happy.

haha.

grrr dun understand why this download is taking so long. (i'm trying to print the church camp booklets.)

i am going to get myself some ice cream! so that i feel better about waiting while my ass coagulates into fatty blobs.

tata!

pink bubble gum and smudged grey dirt
anemic, tired, overworked treads, flying without heed
clack, slap, thud. clack thud, clack thud, thud. thud. thud.

she works the diseased ground over and over
relentlessly.
she jumps, she reaches, she stretches
beyond the deep azure sea mimicking
windchime calls from the houses of winged creatures
crying in the night.
she cannot tell if she (will, has, cannot)
ever get there
all she knows is to thud. thud. thud.

till the heartbeat of the little black bird
drains to a shrill halt
till her bubble gum sneakers
perish the fourskip tattoo
on the dirty tired ground.