All content from this blog is taken from the book by John Gray.
Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to Earth and amnesia set in: they forgot they were from different planets.Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and woman are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to "want what we want" and "feel the way we feel." We mistakely assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. For a woman to offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. A woman's sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. Many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems.
A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed.... Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feelshe cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways. A woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love-she doesn't have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.
A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he
isn't talking. Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want spaces while women want understanding.
The Four F’s for Avoiding Hurt
There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f’s : fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive. Let’s explore each of there positions.
1.
Fight
This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is “the best defense is a strong offense.” They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost.
Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To make your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fail a relationship. When couples fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning.
2.
Flight
This stance also comes from Mars. To avoid confrontation Martians may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war. They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive-aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time-out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion.
These Martians are afraid of confrontation and would rather lie low and avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complain they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don’t even realize how much they do it.
Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partners, like the fighters. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us.
The short-term gain is peace and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about and feelings are not being heard then resentments will build. In a long run, they lose touch with the passionate and loving feelings that drew them together. They generally use overworking, overeating, or other addictions as a way to numb their unresolved painful feelings.
3.
FakeThis stance comes from Venus. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love.
They are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to make everything “all right, OK, and fine.” Men commonly use these phrases, but for them they mean something completely different. He means “It is OK because I am dealing with it alone” or “It’s all right because I know what to do” or “It’s fine because I am handling it, and I don’t need any help.” Unlike a man, when a woman uses these phrases it may be a sign that she is trying to avoid a conflict or argument.
To avoid making waves, a woman may even fool herself and believe that everything is OK, fine, and all right when it really isn’t. She sacrifices or denies her wants, feelings, and need to avoid the possibility of conflict.
4.
Fold
This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is unsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves.
A man once complained to me about his wife. He said, “I love her so much. She gives me everything I want. My only complaint is she is not happy.” His wife had spent twenty years denying herself for her husband. They never fought, and if you asked her about her relationship she would say “We have a great relationship. My husband is so loving. Our only problem is me. I am depressed and I don’t know why.” She is depressed because she has denied herself by being agreeable for twenty years.
To please their partners these people intuitively sense their partners’ desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to give up themselves for love.
Any form of rejections is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves so much. They seek to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process they literally give up who they are.
You may have found yourself in one of these four f’s or in many of them. People commonly move from one to the other. In each of the above four strategies our intention is to protect ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time-out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.
Certainly every man and woman ultimately needs all twelve kinds of love. Fulfilling a primary need is required before one is able fully receive and appreciate the other kinds of love.
1.
She Needs Caring and He Needs TrustWhen a man shows interest in a woman's feelings and heartfelt concern for her well-being, she feels loved and cared for. When he makes her feel special in that caring way, she begins to trust him more and becomes more open and receptive which will makes the man feel trusted.2.
She Needs Understanding and He Needs AcceptanceWhen a man listens without judgement but with emphaty and relatedness to a woman express her feelings, she feels heard and understood. The more a woman's need to be heard and understood is fulfilled, the easier it is for her to give her man the acceptance he needs.3.
She Needs Respect and He Needs AppreciationsWhen a man responds to a woman in a way that acknowledges and prioritizez her rights, wishes, and needs, she feels respected and is much easier for her to give her man the appreciation that he deserves.4.
She Needs Devotion and He Needs AdmirationWhen a man give priority to a woman's needs and proudly commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her, her fourth primary love need is fulfilled. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life then quite easily she admires him.
5.
She Needs Validation and He Needs ApprovalWhen a man does not object to or argue with a woman's feelings and wants but instead accepts and confirm their validity, a woman truly feels loved. When a man learns how to let a woman know that he has this validating attitude, he is assured of getting the approval that he primarily needs.
Posts
