When all I fear means nothing

Amidst so much uncertainty, it's a nice feeling to have an anchor, even if it's not quite what I expected.

Expectations can be deadly, however. Let me learn how not to expect anything from anyone but myself. It is one thing when I let myself down. It's another when I am disappointed with others.

But for now, just keep calm. Look straight ahead, and keep my focus.

Birthdays are cursed

Whenever one nears, it rarely is a truly happy occassion.

And, sheer willpower doesn't bestow happiness upon other people. But I'm not about to give up yet.

I always seem to choose the difficult path. But if it's for the sake of happiness, then so be it.

That Goal

It seems like I've overlooked something in my self-improvement plan.

First, I need to find the strength. The strength to accept whatever happens calmly, the strength to choose something and not regret it, the strength that I'll need before I can ever be good enough for anyone.

Even if I don't possess that strength just yet, I hope to be able to draw upon the things I love, the things I do and the world around me. To grow and to learn.

I think it's good advice, although painful and to the point.

My self-improvement plan is a mere sham without the following goals:
i) mental strength
ii) selflessness
iii) the ability to let go when I have to

There's a long road ahead.

Conflicted

I have never seen myself more conflicted than I am now.

It's insane. For the past couple of weeks I was actually measuring the relative percentages of the Logical and Illogical sides of me. I just had to do so, each side had a different take, a different opinion and I just had to know which conclusion would triumph.

How does one go about measuring how important your logical and illogical parts of you are?

I judged, merely from the fact that I was conflicted. If I ought to go ahead, I should not have expressed any hint of hesitation.

Love's like that, isn't it? If I were in love, I wouldn't be so afraid.

So, I guess I'm not. That half of me is going to be disappointed.

Wrong. It has already been disappointed.

It's not just the depression, it's the sinful skepticism and jealousy I direct at everyone whether I know it or not. I can barely believe that things have changed.

But to be really honest, I've expected that things would turn out this way, long long ago. Right at the beginning, before everything, my logical side had it mapped out for me. I told myself that I wouldn't be sad, that I wouldn't be affected by people like this anymore. As they say, once bitten, twice shy.

And I'm not sure what has come over me. I've been losing my self confidence all over again. Not like I had much of it to begin with, but still. I think I'm going to try to improve myself again. It's not the first time, but it's not like I've ever succeeded. I'm still this socially awkward girl with the thick glasses and an overall unhealthy look. I probably am, anyway. Unhealthy I mean.

The first step would be to get to an acceptable weight. I dislike being stickgirl all the time.

It's beyond strange to realise that a possible source of this feeling of inadequacy stems from the abovementioned complicated relationship. How can he like me when there are girls with so much better qualities just about everywhere? I don't think I'm his type, so why?

I might be paranoid, because I've rarely not felt this way. Everytime some guy comes along I believe he'll be stolen away from me in no time. How can I ever be good enough to make sure that somebody wants to stay by my side forever?

Yet, I always aim to put on either a reserved and distant facade, or a happy one. It makes things easier for everyone. I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me.

Do I still believe in unconditional, do I still believe in eternity?

The deadline for dreams

I'll give myself 20 years.

Countdown: 7305 days.