Sometimes

As much as I have resolved not to, I find myself unconsciously relying on others.

The reality of this dawns on me at the most inopportune moment, when I need the most help.

This was the reason why I made that resolution in the first place.

They're building a wall

They're building a wall.

So that chapter ended, and it left me wondering in profound silence. I've never really forgotten that story, despite it lying dormant and incomplete for so long. Such is the power of the writer's words, that even the unfinished can captivate with such powerful imagery. It is this imagery that I shall borrow for the length of this post.

While that was a wall built outside and only triumphed through the inside, it is the reverse that is more frightening.

It's no longer the boredom with the world, the ennui, but rather it is boredom with the people, and the restraints.

I can't believe it.

It's another late night, and I feel detached to everyone else, yet still connected to the world. I hear the voices of people I've never met, that I've never known, and I pray that their words will comfort me in this vast world where I don't seem to have found what I'm trying to find.

I have this sudden urge to travel the world. It's beginning to feel more than a little stifling here. I just feel that I need to get out, and perhaps away from everything else. Even if all it achieves is to frighten me with everything I don't know and everything I fear, and that all I'd want is to be able to crawl back into the safety of the familiar.

Maybe that would be fine.

I think, perhaps it's the people who are frightening me.

It never fails to strike me as strange, how everyone is just the same, just human, but no one can ever say that he knows another like himself.

A far-off, distant ideal of a world where people are completely understanding and accommodating of each other is more than a distant ideal, it's so impossible it's almost scary.

But sometimes all I want is to ask the questions I want to ask, to say all the words I want to say, to feel all I want to feel. I want to sing a song for you, I want to draw you even if you're having a bad hair day. I want to know you, I want to understand you. But that's never going to happen because of all the restrictions, because of all the inhibitions, the fear that something bad's going to happen and you'll fall down, down, down that endless black crevasse.

You know, the wall's built from both sides. It won't be so hard to scale otherwise.

You know, another thing, that time doesn't turn back.

Maybe it's just good timing on my part that I just saw the update on the class blog when I signed in. Despite how much I've been disappointed in the class, despite how much dislike, frustration or even hate I've harboured at some point of time (which I can only express regret at now), I actually felt a tinge of pride to have been part of all this, to be part of this long journey that has lasted 2 years, and potentially more. But as I stared long and hard at the class photos taken on the last week of school, though incomplete and imperfect, I felt the tears slowly well up.

I never got to know these people.

It's been all of two years, and I still am no closer to that answer I've been seeking.

Why do we build the unbreakable wall? How do we break an unbreakable wall?

Or perhaps it's meant to be unbreakable, to everyone except the special ones. But I'm not even sure the special ones exist in the first place.

Maybe I'll never find an answer to this question. But to everyone who's been a friend to me, who I've not yet known and who I might never know, I pray that you'll be fine.

Let the voices sing to the heavens. I pray that we'll be fine.

Painting Music

Inspiration is a flighty bird. I estimate that while I spend 50% of the time in a neutral state, 15% happy and 15% sad, 5% bored, and most of my time thinking, I am inspired only less than 1% of the time.

This afternoon, I was feeling inspired.

And here are some of the words to say before they're lost-

I think being alone is quite vital to the thinking and reflecting process. When you don't get distracted by things that other people are doing, when you can hear your thoughts loud and clear, when it's just you and the world. The wide, vast world which I'll never finish discovering in my lifetime.

Sometimes, I think that the world is a wonderful place.

Sometimes, I search for someone in this wonderful world who'd be able to tell me,

that it's miraculous to be alive, much less be alive and here talking to me

each moment is unique; it only comes once, so treasure the experience

how many countries that pencil has been to before I bought it

how many years did the tree live before it became paper (a stack goes for a dollar)

what sound the leaves make as they fall

the tune of the flowers' serenade when in full bloom

why the rain falls

where my tears go to when they dry up

how many colours there are in my favourite song

the greatest joy in life, and what to be thankful for

and of course, that the world's a wonderful place.

focus

The real war is before the papers begin. If I win that war, the battle that comes after is half-won.

Those Midnight Messages

I believe that I may now know that the pain in losing something is only second to that of one making the conscious decision to allow something to be lost.

Just go if you have to. You must.

If this was what he had in mind then, I might just forgive.

Stop dwelling on the past

Live in the present and dream for the future.

Why

Why does it seems like it's all just about troubled souls, complex situations and failures one after another? And I'm not talking about myself.

Isn't there anyone who isn't troubled?

200th post.

200th post.

I guess I should constantly remember not to be so narrow-minded, so afraid.

There's a lot more out there that's more daunting than this. It's silly of me to be so frightened by what will almost certainly seem a trivial issue in the future. It's childish, fruitless and perhaps uncalled for (as I've probably concluded prior to today).

People will laugh, and I the first one to do so.

Stop shying away from uncertainty.

Back straight, confident, gaze firm with eye contact.

I may not have traversed a thousand states, but I'm hoping that I'll one day reach that level of experience and maturity. Mentally, if not physically.

Silly, silly me.

Hear the music now. =)


PS: I need either a new pair of headphones or a hi-fi. Both of them are dying quickly.

Just This

How much does it
take for me
to see how much I have
exactly, how much
that I don't need to turn with hope
to others, that
I don't need to wish too much
and when
I don't have to dry anyone's
tears

Mine

Soft rustle of leaves, unheard
amongst the pattering
too of rain
Shine of the sun, soundless
fighting, breaking though
triumphant, in
the midst of dense cloud
Wash of the water, clean
too far to be felt

Their smiles, silent
that do not go unnoticed
The joy, clear
resounding in the air
Along with laughter of a
colour, a vibrant red
hue not found in rainbows
there

The adventures, embarked
in my dreams
but by others
-watch, learn, feel-
Are better than any
way that I would have it
happen.

How much does it take
for me to see, just
what, exactly, what
is it that's me

I think,
Just this.

Postscript

Though after that post I just made two days ago, I feel that there is one particular area where I've failed truly, utterly, completely.



- He's just too smart for me.

Is there always a reason to smile?

I realise that even with the workload piling high, with blocks (and thus impending doom) looming over me, a music exam barely two days before blocks and barely two days from now and all other flail-inducing factors, I simply do not have any reason to be grumbling about life and all else in general. I shouldn't need to feel moody, frustrated or even angry. There are much worse things in life, and all that I've mentioned above aren't candidates for that.

And thus, I'm pretty glad that, well, I haven't been moody, frustrated or angry at anything. Yet.

But well, I couldn't stay that wee bit sense of insecurity, inferiority and "I fail at everything!" kind of feeling.

Okay, I admit, it's not a "wee bit". It's huge enough to float an island on.

But that's only because I seem to be suffering from some severe brain information organisation problem. Now in addition to my usual short term memory, I seem to be failing even in organising my thoughts. But I'm still pretty clear about "ah, what nice rainy weather. I want to sleep now..." types of thinking. It's just that when it comes to notes and notes and more notes, the brain takes leave and goes on a holiday to some place not experiencing strange monsoon weather/storms/global warming/etc.

It even takes me so long to think up what to write in the next paragraph over here, when I clearly had something to say not that long ago.

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. I was just thinking of expressing my realisation that most of us could do a little more in feeling happy. (I could too, that's why.) It's alright if you're like me and burst into chants of "I'm so dead, I'm so dead, I'm so dead..." under your breath whenever something gets you all flustered, so long as you, like me, don't actually believe that it's the end. There's always a way out, somewhere, so long as you haven't been actively making sure that you don't have a way out.

What a convoluted way of saying things.

All I wanted to say was: be happier, be more optimistic! Happiness is contagious in most cases, and I guess the best way to make everyone happy is to be happy yourself. But remember to share the happiness, and the love.

That's mostly a note to myself too, of course. My pessimism never seems to abandon me entirely. It keeps coming back for more (more what? I dunno.) but I shall write this in my rarer, more hopeful times, in attempt to extinguish most of the pessimism that lie in wait to pounce on me in the most crucial times. One of which would be coming up very soon.

Besides, what about my goal to bring happiness to the people around me? I guess it has to start with filling my glass of optimism not only half full, but entirely full! It's quite a long shot, but it's a goal! It's something to work towards. If goals were as easy as snapping your fingers - hey wait, I can't do that- I mean, if goals were as easy as ABC, then it wouldn't be a goal anymore I suppose. We all need a little bit of ambition as motivation sometimes.

With all that said, I guess I shall head back to studying. Or sleeping, considering that it's no longer Wednesday night but Thursday morning. And I have to wake up early tomorrow, to meet a friend! Hopefully two brains are better than one and I'll actually get around to assimilating information effectively into my brain tomorrow. Hopefully!

Instincts

How do I stop this clenching feeling in my heart every time I see it?

Maybe I have something to say

This day is so special, yet it's just like any other day.

But if it's special just because it comes only once in four years, then it's probably the same sort of superficial special that I treat some things like. What does it mean, for something to be special just because it's rarer? I'm not sure if that's how the definition of special goes.

Besides, in that case, shouldn't everything, every moment be special? After all, every moment occurs only once. Yesterday should be special because yesterday isn't going to occur ever again. (Unless, of course, you're being funny and referring to today as tomorrow's yesterday, so yesterdays get chances to occur all the time.) But what I mean is, 13th August 2007 isn't going to occur ever again. It's special. So is 8th Feb 1992, 21st April 2003, and whichever date you choose to name.

But I hope there's one at least thing special about today that is not about the date. I hope that I've rediscovered the meaning of solitude.

the Faith in Humanity

The phrase 'I think I've lost all faith in humanity' seems rather popular these days. I wonder when such pessimism has started to invade our lives. Or has it been there right from the beginning?

Have our expectations just increased or have we really become such a disappointing mess?

On some days, I think I lose all faith in humanity too.

I'll keep my mouth shut and so will you

I would appreciate it if some people showed a little more sensitivity.

Why is it that these days I seem to be asked many questions which I'd rather not answer? And why is it that some people are so persistent in their pursuit for the answer, whatever it may be? I'm not sure if I even have the answers in the first place. Why can't my wishes be respected at times?

I mean it when I say "Please don't do this." I don't use the word "please" lightly.

Like a post-it note

I wonder what will happen to this place, the host of sporadic, infrequent posts.

Though the posts are few, I believe that each time I had written here, I had really meant what I said. Or at least I'd believed what I had written. It's not easy, to maintain a constant flow of truth to be made public.

I think I write with considerably more ease with a muse.

I remember that I wrote a story on muses once.

Yet I do not have one now.

I am looking forward to the day when my muse returns, whenever that will be.

I want my inspiration back.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

I don't know when it was that I stopped trusting people I once trusted.