果然

为何有点失恋的感觉呢？

Wishes

Despite my attempts at letting go, memories still come to haunt me.

It's been five weeks. I suppose any other person might have given up by now. But I keep telling myself, I am not just any other person. I must certainly be stronger than that. To have faith in myself and others.

Though hope dwindles, at least I don't cry so much anymore.

You already know exactly what I want for Christmas.

On the different feel of the wind on different parts of the road

There are times where one feels inexplicably happy, for nothing more than good weather and having the time to do nothing at all.

No studying, no homework, no quarrels. Just plain, simple enjoyment of the present moment. Just truthful and inquisitive miniature explorations of the environment. The school's nicer when it's emptier, in my newfound opinion.

Perfect for making discoveries of our own, and relieving memories.

For some reason I find myself relieving all sorts of memories today, ranging from those in lower Primary till more recent ones in NY. Yet before today, these same memories had been completely lost to me.

Perhaps there's something about getting less than 5 hours of sleep last night.

But it's still more likely to have been caused by that inexplicable happiness and peace, from having the right people around, the right amount of sunlight, the serenity, the bees flying around (and landing on me), and of course, having that comfortable, consistent assurance of the breeze blowing.

It's a warm embrace.

A completely beautiful one, and once again, I experience the themeless beauty of the present.

December brings a turn

Letting go a little is probably the right thing to do now. Not only do I feel more relaxed all of a sudden, I suppose it also benefits others in whichever way relevant to their case. Fewer worries and less bothering from me. Yeah, I suppose it's the best thing to do, for now.

Impose fewer expectations on myself, and on others. It makes things slightly easier, I suppose.

At least now I won't be that disappointed when my dreams end up shattering into a million pieces.

Getting Frayed at the Edges

It's not working. It's not working!

Ah, dammit.

Don't tell me I've been chasing a distant dream all along.

I'll be waiting at the usual place

I can't help it.

Every so often, I'll end up waiting again.

Whether it's fruitful or not, I'll still end up waiting. I'm terrified of losing things. Just so, so terrified.

Even after telling myself that it's probably not worthwhile to be so worked up over everything, I still end up waiting.

Sometimes I get too possessive over some things. It doesn't help, but I can't help it.

Someone says, to be enlightened in life, is to understand how to let some things go. Not to give up upon it, but to let it go. Giving up doesn't equate to letting go. The responsibilities are still yours; you cannot escape from them.

Stubbornly holding on to things that you shouldn't isn't a wise approach, the same person says, that even in death, you still cannot let go. But this is just the willful nature of humans. Some humans, at least. I fear I might just be one of them.

Sometimes, I'm too afraid and too weary to do much but to wait, and hope.

the difference a little luck makes

I enjoy giving people pleasant surprises, despite being a rather predictable, unsurprising person.

And as much as I believe that few people are on my side, I sometimes find that help comes in the strangest of guises. Not from people who are certified on my side. And I suppose they aren't intentional either. A little luck at work, perhaps?

Nevertheless, I still appreciate it all the same. You never know, a little luck may go a long way.

Whut. whutwhutwhut.

Okay, I admit it.

I am a jealous person (by nature?), but this is too much.

I am jealous of a non-human, non-living thing which is merely a branch of physical and to some extent metaphysical, conjectural, experimental science.

And I think I'm spouting non-scientifically proven, politically-incorrect and nonsensical things thanks to my at-a-loss-ness. Whut, indeed.

Patience, I need patience...

Shades of Grey

I think I miss out a lot of things in life.

Very rarely do I get the opportunity to know others around me as well as I wish to. The result is the two-dimensionality which I view most people in. They are there, with a personal set of descriptions, and often, also assumptions to fill in the unknown, missing gaps with. Missing information is interpolated, extrapolated and perhaps even fabricated.

Two-dimensional figures, all around me.

Yet there are also those who have bestowed upon me valuable insights into their very person, be it consciously or unknowingly so, and gradually they begin to leave that two-dimensional space, finally attaining a three-dimensional form.

That three-dimensional form is so much more vivid, so much more functional and beautiful. It's a pity many don't exist in this way.

Yet I cannot blame anyone for not allowing to grow into a more complete person in my mind. I think I, too, am guilty of barricading myself to others' eyes. Especially so to those who do not seek and those whom I do not trust or are unsure of trusting.

A picky person, I am.

Lessons for the Learners

I am impatient. Far too impatient to wait, indefinitely.

I am dependent. Far too dependent to return to myself, alone.

And perhaps I also cry too much.

All this shall change in time, I hope.

Lazy Days

Somehow I want this plainness to stretch on. Stretch on and on. Not forever, because that would be too long.

Just this lazy feeling, with the sounds of the piano, and the rain, as accompaniment.

No verdant fields, butterflies or rainbows.

Just this lazy feeling.

themeless beauty of the present

October is conveniently skipped, only because time waits for no one.

Yet I find that I sit and wait far too often. It is time that could be better spent. But I might as well have no choice in the matter, judging by the way I end up waiting regardless.

The wait is worthwhile, I believe.

--

A couple days prior, a message received by a friend made me consider: what is the importance of words?

The sender of the message confides that she feels words hold more power than actions. Actions do not speak louder than words. Words form the basis for mutual understanding.

Is that so?

Perhaps I felt the dissent even before I recognised it so.

I, for one, know the power of actions. And words aren't that important at all, at times. A precious lesson learnt in recent days. But of course, there is one important factor in this conclusion.

It really depends on who's involved.

I aspire to be a normal person

I'm not sure if it's to do with the environment, the people around me or it's just me. All of a sudden (or perhaps not) I find 'normal' to be quite interesting.

Too many 'imba' people around, too much added stress, and I fear, all for nothing.

Life's much nicer without the worries of constantly getting the As, you know. Except that sometimes circumstances call for it. (they never leave you alone, do they?)

Losing that competitive streak in me will probably do me more good than harm.

Something strange is happening

It really is something out of the ordinary to have good company for lunch one morning and be happy about it all week.

there's a hole somewhere and it's leaking through

Well, I just can't believe how some people can betray their morals so easily. It's disappointing.

Just keep your head out of the water, and you'll be fine.

a minor update

Looks like my June holidays were indeed more busy than normal school days. Revising for major exams is never fun, but sadly, that's where almost all the time went to. Like I say, I need to get a life.

On the other hand, the wishlist's been slightly updated. Which might explain why I am or will be much poorer than before. Why do I always want things that cost a bomb? (It blows a hole in my pocket. Or maybe my ang pow money stash.)

then there comes a time when you don't want to say goodbye

What is denial?

Denial is last Thursday, when I suspected that something was seriously wrong with Pip and I didn't say anything about it. Denial was when I chose to forget about the issue entirely and the refusal to even take a second look at him, at them.

Even after my Mum realised early on Saturday morning that yes, something is is Not Right.

Even after he was buried.

Till now, all of us remain clueless why and how Pip had died. It was around Wednesday night or Thursday morning, I suspect. It was completely unexpected as nothing out of the ordinary happened over the past week. And Pip's the youngest out of all of them. We have two other terrapins that are more than twice his age. It's strange.

I don't take a lot of things for granted, but sadly I think Pip was one thing I did take for granted. He's always been my faourite pet at home; I'm usually biased enough to feed him more than the rest of them. How can I not when I personally handpicked him - the cutest of the lot - when I bought him and when he was constantly so adorable even as he grew up? His antics gave us all a good laugh on more than one occasion. My family members had even compared the two of us a few times... I suppose we were similar in some ways. Like owner, like pet. Ha.

As a result of taking him for granted, I deeply regret not paying more attention to him when I could, especially recently. Ever since school began I have been neglecting them, only occasionally feeding them. I've always wanted to take photos of the four of them, the happy family, but I never did. And seeing how Oopy and Tommy have been around for more than a decade without much problem, even during those times when we left the country and they were left at home, I never did expect things to just crop up on a day just like any other. It was incomprehensible that Pip had died, so I tried my best not to think about it.

And apparently nobody realised it until Saturday. Imagine my nonchalance when my mum woke me up just to break the news to me. All I had was the dreadful sinking feeling upon confirmation that I wasn't hallucinating that morning due to pre-SPA jitters or something. It might be then that I realised that I've been secretly hoping and telling myself that it wasn't true all the while, that it's nothing for me to worry about.

But of course that didn't quite explain why I refused to step near their enclosure ever since Thursday. It's like denial, yet not.

I wonder how many people remember Pip. I hope everyone who has been to my house does, because he's always at the entrance to greet you. Even if he's actually hiding somewhere underwater. He's too cute to miss.

I think the remaining three of them are somewhat distressed from losing a family member. They don't sleep on time anymore. Just last night I heard them making a racket outside as though they want to escape from their enclosure. If they're trying to find him, I'm afraid they won't succeed. He's at terrapin heaven now, I hope.

Rest in Peace, Pip. I hope you know that we all miss you!

Counterintuition

So how does it feel to read a story with no ending? How does it feel to read a story with no resolution?

It's not happy, it's not sad. It's just there.

She says that it'll be fine. It'll be alright. We're not here to judge you, so just let us in already.

He too, says that it will be okay. We'll be okay. He doesn't know what else to say nor what to do, but he says, please try.

And so, he might have tried. I don't know.

Yet the end is not fine. And neither is it terribly bad. It just is, the same way that he just was, always unchanging. The same way she was, never changing until change itself caught up with her. Why things happen like this, we will never know.

A story with no ending is so contradictory that it leaves my mind blank and full all at the same time. Empty of logic, full of unanswered questions, full of indescribable emotions.

It might be unfair, but no judgement can be passed. At least, I do not dare to pass judgement. I am unable to predict, to infer everything that was written there all along, in between the lines. The author has had the power to tell us a complete story, yet she did not. Fill in the blanks, would you? That is your role, you, the proactive reader. The blanks are part of it. The ending is a blank.

A large, gaping one.

So fill it in yourself, and stop asking those questions.

Four Plus Five Equals Nine. Six Plus...?

It's four months into 2007 yet it still feels like the beginning of the year. As in right at the beginning of the year. And I've still only got four posts so far. It's quite obvious that I'm neglecting this place more and more. Or maybe it's to do with other "issues" which shan't be discussed here.

Well, there's close to nothing to report. Nothing has changed. Nothing has improved. If anything, the lack of improvement may be deemed as a bad thing in itself. I was hoping that things would change soon. But no, life doesn't go according to your whims and fancies, not your hopes and wishes.

Not cooperating with destiny? Hah. I wish I just had the guts to do just that.

It's been a while since I last had hour-long rants. Haven't had the time or energy last term to even contruct those thoughts into sentences. And as though one two hour-long rant isn't enough, I had to have another following it. Sometimes, once you start talking you just can't stop.

I don't know, I feel that people are drifting away. The excitement has died down. We all getting used to the situation, thus nobody does anything about it. It is, after all, already "normal". But "normal" isn't good enough for me, because it's a huge waste of time. I did not come here just to waste my time.

Yes I suppose I can learn things, that I stand to gain something out of this. But what? It's not a lot, nor as meaningful as a lot of other things that I could have learnt or could have gained had I chosen a different path somewhere along the road I've walked in the past three to four months.

I think I know which are the right choices, and which are the poor ones.

But it's a sad truth that the rules of the game say: there's no turning back.

All those bad choices, they're now all seen as a sunk cost. Nothing you do now can reverse them.

What matters now is how you proceed from here.

Roll the die and choose.

One second, two seconds, three. Drip, drip, drip they go.

You know, people have mood swings. It's normal.

People get depressed sometimes; it's normal.

But I wonder how often it is for someone to be suddenly overcome with this urge to shout out to all her friends that she cherishes every single one of them. Very much.

Well, I do have that sudden urge to tell all my friends that I treasure them very, very much. I guess the experiences from the past few weeks, months or even years have come together to form a cohesive idea.

It tells me that there are a lot of materialistic people in this world. There are a lot of people who don't treasure opportunities (or they do, but for questionable reasons). There are a lot of people who don't seem to be in sync with their lives.

I find it ironic that as students, we're all in school to learn, to gain knowledge, but many forget that marks really aren't everything. I wish we didn't need to live in a time where every single thing needs to be graded before students pay attention to them. There's almost no holistic marking anymore. Everything - all its components - be it daily assignments, minor tests or even participation, have to be given some mark weightage before they are deemed as important. Other things like PE, just dao. I didn't use to be this pessimistic about the situation but being in HCI for three months has changed my perception. People who are truly keen about life are a rare breed nowadays.

What has this got to do with my friends? Well, close to everything.

In facing the difficulties caused by my encounter with this "new breed" of people, my old friends have become more important than ever. No, that's not it. It's more like providing a greater contrast. Between old friends, and the new people.

I try not to run, but when I do, I think you all know where I'll be running to, and who are the people I go to.

I tend to disagree with a lot of people. But I do so only discreetly. I won't change my principles just to fit theirs. I can live my life abiding by my rules and the society's.

I can't fully describe all the thoughts that I've harboured in the past weeks, especially when they're slipping away already. Some as soon as they appear, but slowly and surely. But there's a lot left unsaid. For sure.

Regardless, it's left me with a realisation how important my friends have been. We've stuck through the years together, took tests together, did project work together, went shopping together (though it was mostly just window shopping), went visiting other countries together... all those timeless memories, eternal events. Everything that all of you have said and done has influenced me, has helped me to become who I am today. Also, all that I've said and done probably has influenced some little part of all of you too. This almost sounds too clichéd, but it's true.

I'm almost that happy about being myself, now. And that's only because all of you have stepped in to help, to shape, to move me in some way. We never do get second chances at life, do we? Everything's all just once, once, one chance only. We hardly ever get the chance to g on a detour or backtrack.

The water goes drip, drip, drip, and it all flows away.

I'm happy to respect the intangible parts of life more than anything else. I'm happy to be able to view challenges and obstacles as chances to grow. I happy to be a me who observes human behaviour half the time I'm in school, when I could have been just studying. I'm happy with running around the class benches visiting as many friends and classmates as I possibly can within that not-so-long break, when I could have been doing something else by myself. I'm happy to try and give a smile to all these friends I meet at the corridors, in-between lessons, or even before tests. After all, each encounter is different. It's a different instance altogether.

Remember the steady drip, drip, drip... ?

It's okay to be like that, right?

I'm not sad that I can't afford to spend money at expensive places every week. I shouldn't be sad that I aren't half as physically fit as other people. I'm not sad that I can never bring myself to say "like I care" regarding almost anything at all. I care too much about too many things. I'm not sad that I can fit in with a vast majority of people. I shouldn't be.

Because it's alright. I still have all my friends. I never need quantity when I have quality.

Love you all!

When that big day finally comes

Since I feel that I owe this place an update, I shall do just that. Update.

It'll be a short one though.

There's less than a week left to huang cheng! All the hours we've spent slogging for dao ju in the past two and a half months will finally yield results!

However, even now, not all our dao ju are done. While so many people spent today slacking away (thanks to the seniors' results granting us an extra holiday), all us dao ju-ers spent the entire day working hard. From morning to night. I seriously wonder what time the guys left, and whether they'd finished the spiral staircase. Yes, the dreaded spiral staircase.

It's funny how we've all been talking about the spiral staircase since day one, yet we've not begun working on it till tonight. It's been long feared, but if they do finish it by tomorrow (or even better, by tonight) it's going to be some laughing matter indeed. Something of such a high difficulty completed within one day? If it's a success, then it only goes to show that we had the capability all the while. What's important is when we actually haul our asses into gear. Like today.

We almost done with all the backdrops! Tomorrow we'll put in the fnishing touches, and it's off to VT!

To everyone who will be going to watch Huang Cheng Ye Yun this weekend at VT, be sure to take note of all the dao ju too! And the clothes. As well as everything else. It's a production that's only possible with everyone's effort! And be rest assured, most of us have put in lots of effort into it! The actors especially.

Pretty soon, the days of reaching home past 11pm will be over. I never thought I'd actually say this, but for once I think I'll miss reaching home at that ungodly hour. Because once Huang Cheng's over, there won't be dao ju zu anymore. And without dao ju zu, life will be drab once again! I think the P.H.D (post-Huang Cheng Depression) that the seniors mentioned is already starting to show some symptoms.

It's a pity that I still don't know some of my fellow dao ju-ers well, but still I am ever so glad that I've had the chance to know them. The past two and a half months have been valuable experience. One one hand I might not be that happy with class, but on the other, I'm actually quite happy with the people on the CCA side. Is this considered a balance? I seriously wonder.

Well, let's see what else I'll have to say once this weekend is over. Stayover this Sunday night will probably be pretty good. I hope everyone's high.

The lexicons of politics vs science

From: This article here

Art of language
"... Science is nothing without precision. You mislabel a larynx as a pharynx, call a nematode a trematode, and your career is done.

"Political language, on the other hand, is a triumph of misrepresentation. A failure becomes a success when some little crumb of your plan has worked; winning a battle allows claims of victory even as the war slips away.

"So you can describe climate change as 'the biggest threat confronting humanity' even when you are demonstrably doing more about hospital finances, say, about prisons, or some ill-defined threat from abroad.

"When a scientist talks about 'reducing greenhouse gas emissions' - I told you we would end up back at this phrase - he or she means just that; actually reducing them. "

And here

Strong language
"...The agency said that it would use stronger language to assess humanity's influence on climatic change than it had previously done.

"In 2001, it said that it was "likely" that human activities lay behind the trends observed at various parts of the planet; "likely" in IPCC terminology means between 66% and 90% probability.

"Now, the panel concluded that it was at least 90% certain that human emissions of greenhouse gases rather than natural variations are warming the planet's surface. "

I've always wondered why people don't listen to all these environment-related reports. When I wrote in my EOY essay about drastic weather changes and such within the next decade, the person who marked my essay obviously did not believe such things would happen. She even wrote a comment by the margin that said something to the extent of "this is too difficult to believe" or it's "too exaggerated".

Not two weeks later, the Stern Report was released. And it confirmed what I said in my essay. To think I got marked down for statements that has actual facts and studies backing it up.

So... we know the way we say it matters. Do we need to phrase things harshly before people will finally wake up and listen? Can we no longer carry out soft approaches? Should we tolerate flippant remarks about environment issues and climatic change?

Sometimes I think that mankind's end is near just by observing the current generation.

Wake up, people, wake up.

Since I like doing irrational things at times

Well, this place seriously needed an update. And since I've been wanting to do this for a while now... (actually only since yesterday):


So now I'm hoping that we'll continue to improve. Slow and steady wins the race, eh?

And of course hard work too.

We need to de-introduce those people to dao-ism. Either that, or infect them with the enthu virus.

Angel of 6E says: 6E ke ba ba!