When all I fear means nothing

Amidst so much uncertainty, it's a nice feeling to have an anchor, even if it's not quite what I expected.

Expectations can be deadly, however. Let me learn how not to expect anything from anyone but myself. It is one thing when I let myself down. It's another when I am disappointed with others.

But for now, just keep calm. Look straight ahead, and keep my focus.

Birthdays are cursed

Whenever one nears, it rarely is a truly happy occassion.

And, sheer willpower doesn't bestow happiness upon other people. But I'm not about to give up yet.

I always seem to choose the difficult path. But if it's for the sake of happiness, then so be it.

That Goal

It seems like I've overlooked something in my self-improvement plan.

First, I need to find the strength. The strength to accept whatever happens calmly, the strength to choose something and not regret it, the strength that I'll need before I can ever be good enough for anyone.

Even if I don't possess that strength just yet, I hope to be able to draw upon the things I love, the things I do and the world around me. To grow and to learn.

I think it's good advice, although painful and to the point.

My self-improvement plan is a mere sham without the following goals:
i) mental strength
ii) selflessness
iii) the ability to let go when I have to

There's a long road ahead.

Conflicted

I have never seen myself more conflicted than I am now.

It's insane. For the past couple of weeks I was actually measuring the relative percentages of the Logical and Illogical sides of me. I just had to do so, each side had a different take, a different opinion and I just had to know which conclusion would triumph.

How does one go about measuring how important your logical and illogical parts of you are?

I judged, merely from the fact that I was conflicted. If I ought to go ahead, I should not have expressed any hint of hesitation.

Love's like that, isn't it? If I were in love, I wouldn't be so afraid.

So, I guess I'm not. That half of me is going to be disappointed.

Wrong. It has already been disappointed.

It's not just the depression, it's the sinful skepticism and jealousy I direct at everyone whether I know it or not. I can barely believe that things have changed.

But to be really honest, I've expected that things would turn out this way, long long ago. Right at the beginning, before everything, my logical side had it mapped out for me. I told myself that I wouldn't be sad, that I wouldn't be affected by people like this anymore. As they say, once bitten, twice shy.

And I'm not sure what has come over me. I've been losing my self confidence all over again. Not like I had much of it to begin with, but still. I think I'm going to try to improve myself again. It's not the first time, but it's not like I've ever succeeded. I'm still this socially awkward girl with the thick glasses and an overall unhealthy look. I probably am, anyway. Unhealthy I mean.

The first step would be to get to an acceptable weight. I dislike being stickgirl all the time.

It's beyond strange to realise that a possible source of this feeling of inadequacy stems from the abovementioned complicated relationship. How can he like me when there are girls with so much better qualities just about everywhere? I don't think I'm his type, so why?

I might be paranoid, because I've rarely not felt this way. Everytime some guy comes along I believe he'll be stolen away from me in no time. How can I ever be good enough to make sure that somebody wants to stay by my side forever?

Yet, I always aim to put on either a reserved and distant facade, or a happy one. It makes things easier for everyone. I try to convince myself that it doesn't bother me.

Do I still believe in unconditional, do I still believe in eternity?

The deadline for dreams

I'll give myself 20 years.

Countdown: 7305 days.

Sometimes

As much as I have resolved not to, I find myself unconsciously relying on others.

The reality of this dawns on me at the most inopportune moment, when I need the most help.

This was the reason why I made that resolution in the first place.

They're building a wall

They're building a wall.

So that chapter ended, and it left me wondering in profound silence. I've never really forgotten that story, despite it lying dormant and incomplete for so long. Such is the power of the writer's words, that even the unfinished can captivate with such powerful imagery. It is this imagery that I shall borrow for the length of this post.

While that was a wall built outside and only triumphed through the inside, it is the reverse that is more frightening.

It's no longer the boredom with the world, the ennui, but rather it is boredom with the people, and the restraints.

I can't believe it.

It's another late night, and I feel detached to everyone else, yet still connected to the world. I hear the voices of people I've never met, that I've never known, and I pray that their words will comfort me in this vast world where I don't seem to have found what I'm trying to find.

I have this sudden urge to travel the world. It's beginning to feel more than a little stifling here. I just feel that I need to get out, and perhaps away from everything else. Even if all it achieves is to frighten me with everything I don't know and everything I fear, and that all I'd want is to be able to crawl back into the safety of the familiar.

Maybe that would be fine.

I think, perhaps it's the people who are frightening me.

It never fails to strike me as strange, how everyone is just the same, just human, but no one can ever say that he knows another like himself.

A far-off, distant ideal of a world where people are completely understanding and accommodating of each other is more than a distant ideal, it's so impossible it's almost scary.

But sometimes all I want is to ask the questions I want to ask, to say all the words I want to say, to feel all I want to feel. I want to sing a song for you, I want to draw you even if you're having a bad hair day. I want to know you, I want to understand you. But that's never going to happen because of all the restrictions, because of all the inhibitions, the fear that something bad's going to happen and you'll fall down, down, down that endless black crevasse.

You know, the wall's built from both sides. It won't be so hard to scale otherwise.

You know, another thing, that time doesn't turn back.

Maybe it's just good timing on my part that I just saw the update on the class blog when I signed in. Despite how much I've been disappointed in the class, despite how much dislike, frustration or even hate I've harboured at some point of time (which I can only express regret at now), I actually felt a tinge of pride to have been part of all this, to be part of this long journey that has lasted 2 years, and potentially more. But as I stared long and hard at the class photos taken on the last week of school, though incomplete and imperfect, I felt the tears slowly well up.

I never got to know these people.

It's been all of two years, and I still am no closer to that answer I've been seeking.

Why do we build the unbreakable wall? How do we break an unbreakable wall?

Or perhaps it's meant to be unbreakable, to everyone except the special ones. But I'm not even sure the special ones exist in the first place.

Maybe I'll never find an answer to this question. But to everyone who's been a friend to me, who I've not yet known and who I might never know, I pray that you'll be fine.

Let the voices sing to the heavens. I pray that we'll be fine.

Painting Music

Inspiration is a flighty bird. I estimate that while I spend 50% of the time in a neutral state, 15% happy and 15% sad, 5% bored, and most of my time thinking, I am inspired only less than 1% of the time.

This afternoon, I was feeling inspired.

And here are some of the words to say before they're lost-

I think being alone is quite vital to the thinking and reflecting process. When you don't get distracted by things that other people are doing, when you can hear your thoughts loud and clear, when it's just you and the world. The wide, vast world which I'll never finish discovering in my lifetime.

Sometimes, I think that the world is a wonderful place.

Sometimes, I search for someone in this wonderful world who'd be able to tell me,

that it's miraculous to be alive, much less be alive and here talking to me

each moment is unique; it only comes once, so treasure the experience

how many countries that pencil has been to before I bought it

how many years did the tree live before it became paper (a stack goes for a dollar)

what sound the leaves make as they fall

the tune of the flowers' serenade when in full bloom

why the rain falls

where my tears go to when they dry up

how many colours there are in my favourite song

the greatest joy in life, and what to be thankful for

and of course, that the world's a wonderful place.

focus

The real war is before the papers begin. If I win that war, the battle that comes after is half-won.

Those Midnight Messages

I believe that I may now know that the pain in losing something is only second to that of one making the conscious decision to allow something to be lost.

Just go if you have to. You must.

If this was what he had in mind then, I might just forgive.