Doug and Skeeter are having a good time skateboarding in the park when they are struck with awe for the preparations for Bluffington Civic Pride Day.
It's really not that impressive. It's just a bunch of construction workers erecting a stage under the supervision of the mayor. Skeeter is impressed with the size of the stage. Mayor Dink takes questions from reporters.
Mayor Dink gives a general rundown of the standard activities they'll have at the event, and surprises everyone with a new event. There will be a contest to write an official town song. Everyone is encouraged to write a song and perform it at the event. The winner, obviously, will be the official town song. Everyone seems thrilled by the idea, especially...
Of course they're going to write a song. And of course Doug has a fantasy about this...
I don't know that either of them actually plays piano. In the fantasy, they're playing a waltz and singing and you have to wonder how Doug imagined this full song in his head immediately. Later, you'll wonder if he pitched the song to Skeeter and Skeeter shot it down, because they don't even try to play it. After the fantasy, Doug tells Skeeter they're going to write the winning song. He narrates that he didn't know at the time that the contest would come between him and one of his very best friends. Spoiler alert: it's not Skeeter.
So, news of the song contest spread and everyone in town is writing a song. Every student in school has an instrument and they're working out something. Teachers are working on their own songs. Cleopatra is apparently working on a song.
Her song is going to suck but everyone will call it the greatest thing ever because she is a baby. It doesn't matter how much a baby sucks at something she shouldn't be able to do at all.
Mr. Dink bought a mini portable fold-a-matic fuel injected digital recording studio that writes songs for him.
This seems unfair for two reasons: the machine writes the song and Mr. Dink is married to the mayor. Anyway, the first song it writes sucks, with the lyrics, "my love lives under a rock in Bluffington." So he won't win anyway.
Meanwhile, Doug and Skeeter are working on their song.
Skeeter sings, "the best town in the world is Bluffington. It's not just a nothing-ton." Doug stops playing and criticizes the lyrics, so Skeeter challenges him to think of something that rhymes with Bluffington. Before they can return to song practice, Patti shows up with a basketball and a tempting offer to shoot some hoops at the park.
They tell her they're working on their song, but they're stuck on lyrics. She tells them she's having similar problems with her song. They ask to hear her song, but she says it's not really finished and it's probably no good. She removes a sheet of paper from her backpack and lets them read it over. Doug says the lyrics are fantastic. Skeeter agrees. Doug asks her to sing while they play backup. She agrees...
...and Doug reacts.
Because Patti is a terrible singer. The lyrics are great, in the way that they sound like they'd be lyrics for an official town song. They're cheesy and sentimental, but they're supposed to be. Anyway, the song abruptly ends when Doug breaks a string. When Patti asks how her singing was, Doug grins and has a fantasy. It's weirdly based on the George Washington myth about cutting down a cherry tree.
Since Doug Washington cannot tell a lie, he admits that he cut down the tree and her singing is horrible. She retaliates by dumping a bucket of cherries on his head.
After the fantasy, Patti is still waiting for an answer as Doug hallucinates this old trope.
Patti Angel wants Doug to tell the truth because Patti wants him to be honest. Roger Devil says she'll never speak to him again if he tells her the truth. Doug quickly caves to Roger Devil and finally tells Patti she did great. Skeeter and Porkchop are confused.
Patti believes him. She asks for confirmation that she was great, not just good. Then she looks at her watch and says she has to go meet Chalky. After she's gone, Skeeter speculates that his ears must be broken because he thought she sounded terrible. Miserably, Doug admits that Skeeter's ears are not broken. "Her singing stinks like yesterday's magic mystery meat."
Skeeter asks why he lied and he says he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Skeeter points out that she asked him to be honest. Doug asks, "what could it hurt?"
At school the next day, Connie is practicing her song at lunch.
Roger tells them to stop wasting their time. His group, Roger and the Klotztones "has this contest in the bag."
They sing a song and it could be from Grease. Also, it's insulting like Beauty School Dropout, so it's got that going for it too.
Doug admits Roger is pretty good. Connie says they have to be, considering the competition. Patti runs up, excited to tell Doug she signed them up for the contest. Doug is drinking milk at the time, so he does a spit take.
Patti credits him with giving her the nerve to sing in front of all those people. Doug has fucked himself.
Doug is lost in thought when Patti makes him reaffirm his opinion that she's a great singer. Now would be a good moment to come clean, but he doesn't. He just agrees and goes into a fantasy as Patti says, "we'll be the monster hit of the show!"
Yes, literally. They're running from the villagers as Patti finally gets Doug to admit he lied to her. But it's just a fantasy, so...
Before practice, Doug tells Skeeter they have to stop her before she humiliates herself on stage. Skeeter asks, "why don't you just tell her the truth?" Finally putting that genius brain to good use.
Doug says he can't hurt Patti's feelings like that before wondering if there's some way to keep her out of the contest. Here's a question no one asks: why doesn't Skeeter tell her the truth? He's part of this too. He's her friend too. Doug lied, and he's a piece of shit for it and yes he should tell her the truth, but continuing the lie because shitty Doug is a coward only hurts Patti more, right? I would love this episode more if Skeeter just threw Doug under the bus here.
Anyway, Doug thinks of something. He asks Patti to go to the Funkytown Fritter Fry.
It's on the same day as the Bluffington Civic Pride Day. Why are these events on the same day? Bold move, Funkytown. For the record, I would go to neither of these events. I have no pride in where I live, no interest in fried carnival food, and I hate crowds. Patti just thinks Doug is kidding, so that's that plan shot down.
Later, Doug explains the situation to his dad.
Phil tells him the best solution is to just tell her the truth. Phil uses an Uncle Harold as an example of how no one in his family has the courage to tell someone something embarrassing. Apparently Uncle Harold wore a toupee inside out for years and no one ever told him. So to be clear, Phil is telling Doug he should do a thing his family has a clear history of being unable to do. Unfortunately, he says something that gives Doug an idea. He says, "I'm sure she never heard herself sing."
Doug gets everyone over to Mr. Dink's recording studio so they can record a demo tape. His plan, obviously, is to let Patti hear how bad she is on the recording. Unfortunately, her singing is so terrible, the equipment, even the popcorn machine, starts to malfunction and spark and smoke and shake.
Despite the malfunctions, they still get a demo. Upon listening to it, Patti says it sounds terrible. Doug is tentatively excited, thinking his plan worked, but Patti speculates that there must be something wrong with Mr. Dink's equipment.
With that plan in the toilet, Doug has to try something drastic. He has asked Mayor Dink to disqualify his group from the contest. Why should she disqualify his group? Because he is not a native Bluffingtonian. He was born elsewhere.
Mayor Dink laughs off this suggestion. She says the only qualifications you need are that you love Bluffington and you have heart. Another shitty plan in the toilet.
Mayor Dink says she's not worried about technicalities. She's worried about the weather. It's currently raining, and if it doesn't stop, Pride Day might be cancelled.
Doug tries to hide his excitement by saying, "I guess everyone will just have to spend another boring Saturday hanging out at the mall." Unfortunately, this gives Mayor Dink the idea to move the event to the mall. It'll be indoors so haha, fuck you, weather. Mayor Dink adds one last thing that makes Doug feel worse.
"Maybe we can even get the mall radio station to broadcast the song contest!"
Do malls have radio stations? Is that a thing? I don't think that's a thing. If it's a thing, I'm going to need a job at one of these mall radio stations. Oh, so this is a fantasy Doug is having. The mall broadcasts their song and aliens hear it.
"MAKE THE EARTH CREATURES STOP!"
Is anyone keeping track of the number of Doug's fantasies that have resulted in the total destruction of the planet?
After the fantasy, Doug moans loudly, "now look what I did!"
Finally, he decides to tell Patti the truth. Lucky for him, she's actually sick.
She's lost her voice and she won't be able to sing in the contest.
Doug immediately has a fantasy where he's on a green hill in the mountains while "Hallelujah Chorus" plays.
After the fantasy, Doug tries to play it cool. Patti is too sick to notice, and suggests they just get Connie to sing the song. Doug likes this idea.
Finally, Bluffington Civic Pride Day is here. To kick off the song contest, we have this barbershop quartet featuring Mr. Swirly, Mr. Valentine, and two other guys who probably have names.
Please note that Mr. Swirly is wearing a fake black mustache over his real white mustache.
There are bizarre happenings, like a pilgrim giving away turnips on sticks, and turnip sack races, and snail races
Backstage, Mayor Dink tells everyone to be ready when their name is called. We get a brief glimpse of everyone practicing their songs. It's pretty great. It's like everyone staked out their genre of music so a lot is represented and it's not all just trying to be The Beets. Most importantly, Connie sounds great singing Patti's song.
Connie says it was easy since Patti wrote such a good song. Mayor Dink calls for Fentruck. It's his turn.
"Bluffington, you do not disgust me.
let me count so(?) how many ways.
Number one: the people smell almost always
better than a herd of goats do."
It goes on from there, of course, but we have to go backstage again to where Mayor Dink is telling Doug his group is up next. They do a collective high five right before Patti walks up to break the great news to them. Her voice is back.
Connie gladly tells Patti she can sing her own song. Connie is glad just to play backup guitar. Doug says Patti sounds kind of hoarse, so maybe she should rest her voice. Patti reassures him that her voice is great. Doug has a fantasy.
She's not even halfway through the first line when the vegetables start flying. They're piling up around her while she happily sings along, oblivious to all the hate she's receiving. I especially like this fantasy because Doug believes that maybe everyone in town brought vegetables to the Bluffington Civic Pride Day event just in case someone sucks so bad they need to be traumatically insulted.
After the fantasy, Doug tries to say they made some changes Patti doesn't know about. Connie quickly shuts this down, saying, "we haven't changed that much."
Finally, and after much sweating and stalling, Doug says, "maybe singing isn't what you do best. Sometimes what you're singing...doesn't exactly match the notes."
Doug says he didn't want to hurt her feelings and she tells him he did anyway. So now they both feel terrible. Good job, Doug!
Mayor Dink introduces their group and they apparently went with the name The Funnie Farm, so that's appropriate for the situation. Before they go onstage, Patti says, "I trusted you to be honest with me and you lied. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again."
Onstage, they start playing and Doug quits almost immediately.
He sees Patti on the side of the stage looking sad and stops the song completely.
Doug apologizes for the lack of singing. He wants to introduce a special guest. He calls out Patti, and says she'll recite a poem.
While everyone in the audience waits to hear another shitty song about how great their town is, Doug apologizes to Patti.
Doug says she wrote some really great words and everyone should hear them from her. So she joins them and recites the lyrics she wrote while they play the song they wrote and it works perfectly.
It's exactly the kind of sentimental crap that would win a contest like this.
"My home town is ice cream
And soccer games at school.
Walks with my dad on weekends
when the air is turning cool.
My home town is neighbors
children, cats, and dogs.
And watching folks at sun up
on early morning jogs.
Some people think that happiness
can only be found far away.
But my home town is full of friends
and that's where my heart will stay."
"So, Journal. Everything turned out fine. Even though we didn't get the prize. Oh, by the way, the winner was Fentruck."
Doug writes, "Patti got a special citation for her poem." Doug concludes his journal entry saying he's learned his lesson about being honest when someone asks for his honesty. Then his parents enter his room to show off the hats they bought at Pride Day. They want to know his honest opinion about them. They're pretty cool right?
Right?
Who do I have to fuck to get a full recording of the entire song Fentruck wrote? He ends the song on number 22, which is "for liking me I'm thanking you with all my face." I need to know all the reasons why Bluffington does not disgust Fentruck. If Doug had just told Patti the truth from the beginning this episode would feature a lot less conflict, and a lot more of Fentruck's song. Doug's attempts to get disqualified or to trick Patti into going somewhere else during the contest wouldn't have eaten up so much of this episode's run-time and we could have had that time to hear Fentruck's song. If Doug hadn't needed to talk to Patti while Fentruck was singing, we could have watched Fentruck sing.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Episode 48: Judy's Big Admission
This episode begins with an egg rolling out onto a stage and cracking. Judy says, "I am born. I exist!"
"I die!" She falls over, rolls back, then stands up to proclaim that she is reborn as a butterfly.
This could go on for the entirety of the show and I'd be happy, but just as Judy's butterfly begins to enjoy being free, a giant fly swatter slams down upon her.
Have you ever used a fly swatter on a butterfly? There are many logical problems with this short dramatic piece that Judy has prepared for her Vole University audition. It just doesn't make any sense from start to finish, and there's a huge safety concern with the giant fly swatter.
Judy's pretentious friends applaud her eggy butterfly nonsense. Sincerity suggests it might take more than an egg to get into Vole University. Judy laughs at the idea and reassures her that they'll be begging her to enroll at the university after her audition, then floats the idea that they might rename the school to Judy University. Sincerity reminds her how few applicants are accepted, and Cassius says they only admitted half of one person last year. Cassius lists off a few other schools he's applied to, and another student says she also applied to several schools. Sincerity asks Judy where else she's applied, but Judy scoffs at the idea. She has only applied to Vole. They are shocked, and as she picks up her egg prop, she says, "only at Vole can I truly express my wings and be free!" Before one of her friends can make the obvious comment about putting all your eggs in one basket, Flounder's former bandmates (now janitors apparently) open a door, allowing a huge gust of wind to blow Judy across the room.
This episode isn't all about Judy. Doug's doing something too. He's entered a comic contest and he's waiting to hear if he won.
Winner gets a trip to A.C. Comics and lunch with Stanley Steele, creator of Man O Steel Man. Doug asks his comic shop owner if he's heard anything about the contest results.
Apparently Doug has been asking every day. Mr. Sully seems kind of annoyed with him and asks if he's checked his mailbox. Doug says he's checked it twice a day. Doug imagines how lunch with Stanley Steele could be the beginning of his comic book career.
In Doug's fantasy, he shares a small studio with Stanley Steele. Stanley Steele has writer's block and is swiftly slipping into despair. He just can't figure out what to make Man O Steel Man do next.
Doug suggests, "why don't you have Man o Steel Man vanquish an evil-doer!?"
Stanley Steele is grateful for such a terrific idea. The Man O Steel Man cover Stanley was working on when he practically gave up on life starts moving. Man O Steel Man gives Doug a thumbs up and says, "you're the greatest, Doug!"
After this bit of delusions of grandeur, Doug wishes the letter would come, then says, "unless they think I'm not good enough." He often operates between being the greatest hero the world has ever known and the biggest nobody loser who should just give up every endeavor because he sucks.
At home, Judy is packing for her weekend trip to Vole University. Doug points out that she has over-packed. She's basically packed up her entire room.
Judy isn't worried about carrying too much since she'll have the whole car to herself. She's going to Vole. Doug is staying at Skeeter's. Their parents are flying out to Grandma Opal's. Why this set up? Why are Phil and Theda visiting a grandmother but not taking any of the grandchildren? Should we worry about Grandma Opal?
Anyway, Judy is so certain she'll be accepted into Vole University, she's packing everything. Apparently, she won't need to come home. She'll get accepted and move into her dorm right away and I guess Phil or Theda can collect their car sometime later. Theda interrupts the packing to announce a slight change of plans.
Skeeter's little brother has chicken pox so Doug can't stay there. Doug now has to go with Judy. Again, we don't find out why he can't just go with his parents to visit his grandmother.
Nobody is happy. Judy explains that she's staying in the girls' dorms. Theda says she's already called ahead and arranged a room for Doug. Judy says that Vole is a place for artistes. Doug says he can't go because he needs to be nearby so he can check the mail to see if he won the contest.
Theda also mentions that they have to take Porkchop too.
Judy quickly adapts to the situation by making Doug and Porkchop act as her personal assistants, then commands them to load her stuff into the car.
Judy finishes preparation by grabbing her latest poems off the kitchen table, not noticing one of Doug's drawings has somehow found its way into the stack.
On the way to Vole University, Judy rambles on and on in a rather pretentious manner that distracts her from the road.
Luckily she doesn't wreck the car and kill someone. She just misses the exit.
Doug carries her egg into the audition theater and then wanders off on his own. After taking Judy's crap up to her dorm, Doug finds a nice place to draw while his dog reads the Vole University course catalog.
A student approaches Doug and compliments his art. He asks if Doug is a child prodigy applying to Vole.
Doug explains that he's with his sister while she auditions. The student says Doug's comic style reminds him of Stanley Steele's early stuff. Doug has made a friend.
The guy explains that comics are the reason he became an art major. The guy has to leave for a class, but promises to catch up with Doug later. Doug excitedly turns to Porkchop to talk about the exchange, but Porkchop has disappeared. Apparently Porkchop found something in the Vole University course book that caught his eye.
At Judy's audition, the judges are thoroughly jaded. Judy tries to present her latest poems and other bullshit, but the dean has no patience for it. He just wants her to begin so it can be over.
Inside the egg, Judy says, "I am born."
Before the egg hatches, the dean says, "thank you, Miss Funnie. We'll be in touch. Next."
On her way out of the audition, she bumps into another egg.
Apparently this is going to be a theme.
Doug is quietly drawing in the dorm when Judy kicks the door in, obviously upset. She paces around the room, ranting about how they don't know true artistic talent when they see it.
And this is the part where Doug has to console his rude, pretentious, sometimes helpful, sometimes unhelpful, older sister. While she's moaning about how she barely got three words out, Doug has to suggest that maybe they really liked those three words.
Judy starts to wonder if she's as good as she thinks she is. Judy asks how she'll ever face her friends if she doesn't get accepted to Vole. Doug asks about the other schools she applied to and she tells him she didn't apply to other schools because Vole means everything to her.
Then this woman knocks on the open door to interrupt, making me wonder if she was standing there the whole time Judy had a minor breakdown. Anyway, the dean wants to see Judy in his office and congratulations for being accepted to Vole University.
So Judy is back in front of the audition people.
The dean says, "despite your audition, we knew you belonged at Vole when we saw your portfolio. Very impressive artwork."
"Highly original. A bold statement. It has that primitive rough-hewn look that's reminiscent of Stanley Steele, one of our illustrious alumni, yet has its own unique character."
Judy starts to tell them that isn't her artwork, but the dean interrupts her to say she can major in art and minor in acting. Now that he's through interrupting her, he wants her to finish what she was saying. Instead, she has a fantasy. Her high school friends are accepting awards.
They all thank the schools they attended, then wonder what became of Judy.
I would watch this act and throw a couple bucks or maybe a can of tuna into the hat.
After the fantasy, she finishes what she was saying by changing it to, "that's not my best work." The dean takes this for modesty (ignoring the preposterous idea that an applicant wouldn't bring their best work (although she didn't look over her submission to make sure she brought the right pages anyway...) ), then invites her to demonstrate her drawing technique to his senior design class. She's glad to do it, sometime in the fall after she's enrolled. He means 30 minutes from now. He has a weekend seminar.
Doug is wandering around campus looking for Porkchop when Judy finds him.
Judy doesn't give a shit that Porkchop is missing. She needs Doug and drags him away. She shoves him into a supply closet, telling him not to ask questions. She tells him to just wait there.
He says, "sure, Judy. Always glad to help."
The dean introduces her to his seminar and sets her loose on a pretentious, improvised, pretentious speech about art.
A student interrupts her to ask for a demonstration of her technique. Judy tries to stall, but the dean hands her a pencil. She tears off a sheet of paper then leaves the room. In the closet, Doug asks, "how is my sitting in the closet helping you?"
Judy makes him draw something. He draws Quaildog punching an ionic column in half (presumably from the Quailman vs. Greek Architecture issue we've all heard so much about). Judy presents it to the class to a polite round of applause.
The dean starts to ask why she left the room but she cuts him off to explain she needed the "singularity of my aloneness." He rightly points out that she went out into a busy hallway, so she says something about the fluorescent lighting and leaves it at that.
Back in the closet, Doug hears Porkchop. He leaves the closet to try to find his missing dog, which he should really be more worried about anyway but Judy needs him to sit in a closet and that's fucking important goddammit leave him alone! He finds Porkchop in a cooking class pretty quickly.
Before Doug can think about returning to the closet, the student he met earlier approaches him with some more Stanley Steele fans. Doug is happy to meet them. They invite Doug to work on a sci-fi mural they're working on and he's fucking excited about this obviously awesome as fuck opportunity so fuck the closet.
Back at Judy's seminar, she's prattling on pretentiously when she's asked for another demonstration. She runs back to the closet to find it Dougless.
No matter.
Everyone is understandably confused, so she explains that this is an example of what an amateur artist might create. This is somehow revelatory to the senior students at the seminar.
Meanwhile, Doug is having the fucking time of his life.
Doug finally knows more than ever that this is what he wants to do with his life. So he calls Skeeter to have him check the mail to see if he won the contest.
Sadly, Doug didn't win the contest. While still on the phone with Skeeter, Doug imagines his career in comics now. He's just counting boxes at the shipping facility.
At the end of the day, Stanley Steele approaches him, criticizes the way he makes check marks, and fires him. After the fantasy, Skeeter is shouting into the phone, trying to get Doug's attention.
Back in the dorm, Judy is being smug about her new admirers while Doug is miserable.
Judy tries to reassure him that, since it was just a silly comic book contest, what do they know anyway? Doug tells her to forget it because he doesn't have any talent. She sees the drawing he did earlier and says he has talent. She's genuinely helpful as she tells him that it's not important what other people say about your talent. Even if no one else believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. Doug points out she didn't believe in herself when she didn't think she was accepted into Vole University. She says, "that's different...no. You're right. I let those judges rob me of my self-confidence. I almost let the steal my belief in my own talent. And no one should trifle with another person's talent, it's...oh...come on..."
She drags Doug back to the audition room. Another egg act is ending as they walk in.
Judy confesses to Doug that she was only accepted into Vole because of his art.
She has Doug draw something to prove that he's the artist behind the picture she accidentally submitted with her application.
The dean asks why she came forward with the truth now. She says Doug was feeling bad as an artist and she was feeling bad for getting in under false pretenses. He says this shows great integrity on her part. She asks if that means they'll still let her in, and he says no. Doug defends her, saying they never gave her a proper chance. They only let her get out three words.
Doug does a great, practical demonstration, asking, "how great would my drawings be if you just let me draw three lines?"
The dean admits that maybe they were unfair to Judy, but they've seen so many eggs....
So he lets Judy perform again, and guarantees that she can perform the whole piece.
The judges confer and tell Judy that her brother was right. She's good and the piece was very pretentious.
So, Judy is going to Vole University. The dean asks Doug to promise he'll consider coming to Vole when he turns 18. Doug agrees, but can I go ahead and predict that this pretentious trio will reject him when he applies for any number of reasons? Most likely, they'll call his work derivative. Either way, he'll get accepted or he won't and it ultimately won't matter because he'll do comics. Or maybe he'll create a TV show about his childhood.
So, Judy, Doug, and Porkchop are finally leaving. They are such big personalities, they have a crowd hanging around to send them off.
The art student Doug befriended thanks Doug for the sketch.
On the way home, Judy prattles on incessantly, pretentiously, about how talented she is.
The episode ends with the gag where she misses her exit because she's so engrossed in her one-sided conversation with Doug about herself.
What's going on with Grandma Opal?
"I die!" She falls over, rolls back, then stands up to proclaim that she is reborn as a butterfly.
This could go on for the entirety of the show and I'd be happy, but just as Judy's butterfly begins to enjoy being free, a giant fly swatter slams down upon her.
Have you ever used a fly swatter on a butterfly? There are many logical problems with this short dramatic piece that Judy has prepared for her Vole University audition. It just doesn't make any sense from start to finish, and there's a huge safety concern with the giant fly swatter.
Judy's pretentious friends applaud her eggy butterfly nonsense. Sincerity suggests it might take more than an egg to get into Vole University. Judy laughs at the idea and reassures her that they'll be begging her to enroll at the university after her audition, then floats the idea that they might rename the school to Judy University. Sincerity reminds her how few applicants are accepted, and Cassius says they only admitted half of one person last year. Cassius lists off a few other schools he's applied to, and another student says she also applied to several schools. Sincerity asks Judy where else she's applied, but Judy scoffs at the idea. She has only applied to Vole. They are shocked, and as she picks up her egg prop, she says, "only at Vole can I truly express my wings and be free!" Before one of her friends can make the obvious comment about putting all your eggs in one basket, Flounder's former bandmates (now janitors apparently) open a door, allowing a huge gust of wind to blow Judy across the room.
This episode isn't all about Judy. Doug's doing something too. He's entered a comic contest and he's waiting to hear if he won.
Winner gets a trip to A.C. Comics and lunch with Stanley Steele, creator of Man O Steel Man. Doug asks his comic shop owner if he's heard anything about the contest results.
Apparently Doug has been asking every day. Mr. Sully seems kind of annoyed with him and asks if he's checked his mailbox. Doug says he's checked it twice a day. Doug imagines how lunch with Stanley Steele could be the beginning of his comic book career.
In Doug's fantasy, he shares a small studio with Stanley Steele. Stanley Steele has writer's block and is swiftly slipping into despair. He just can't figure out what to make Man O Steel Man do next.
Doug suggests, "why don't you have Man o Steel Man vanquish an evil-doer!?"
Stanley Steele is grateful for such a terrific idea. The Man O Steel Man cover Stanley was working on when he practically gave up on life starts moving. Man O Steel Man gives Doug a thumbs up and says, "you're the greatest, Doug!"
After this bit of delusions of grandeur, Doug wishes the letter would come, then says, "unless they think I'm not good enough." He often operates between being the greatest hero the world has ever known and the biggest nobody loser who should just give up every endeavor because he sucks.
At home, Judy is packing for her weekend trip to Vole University. Doug points out that she has over-packed. She's basically packed up her entire room.
Judy isn't worried about carrying too much since she'll have the whole car to herself. She's going to Vole. Doug is staying at Skeeter's. Their parents are flying out to Grandma Opal's. Why this set up? Why are Phil and Theda visiting a grandmother but not taking any of the grandchildren? Should we worry about Grandma Opal?
Anyway, Judy is so certain she'll be accepted into Vole University, she's packing everything. Apparently, she won't need to come home. She'll get accepted and move into her dorm right away and I guess Phil or Theda can collect their car sometime later. Theda interrupts the packing to announce a slight change of plans.
Skeeter's little brother has chicken pox so Doug can't stay there. Doug now has to go with Judy. Again, we don't find out why he can't just go with his parents to visit his grandmother.
Nobody is happy. Judy explains that she's staying in the girls' dorms. Theda says she's already called ahead and arranged a room for Doug. Judy says that Vole is a place for artistes. Doug says he can't go because he needs to be nearby so he can check the mail to see if he won the contest.
Theda also mentions that they have to take Porkchop too.
Judy quickly adapts to the situation by making Doug and Porkchop act as her personal assistants, then commands them to load her stuff into the car.
Judy finishes preparation by grabbing her latest poems off the kitchen table, not noticing one of Doug's drawings has somehow found its way into the stack.
On the way to Vole University, Judy rambles on and on in a rather pretentious manner that distracts her from the road.
Luckily she doesn't wreck the car and kill someone. She just misses the exit.
Doug carries her egg into the audition theater and then wanders off on his own. After taking Judy's crap up to her dorm, Doug finds a nice place to draw while his dog reads the Vole University course catalog.
A student approaches Doug and compliments his art. He asks if Doug is a child prodigy applying to Vole.
Doug explains that he's with his sister while she auditions. The student says Doug's comic style reminds him of Stanley Steele's early stuff. Doug has made a friend.
The guy explains that comics are the reason he became an art major. The guy has to leave for a class, but promises to catch up with Doug later. Doug excitedly turns to Porkchop to talk about the exchange, but Porkchop has disappeared. Apparently Porkchop found something in the Vole University course book that caught his eye.
At Judy's audition, the judges are thoroughly jaded. Judy tries to present her latest poems and other bullshit, but the dean has no patience for it. He just wants her to begin so it can be over.
Inside the egg, Judy says, "I am born."
Before the egg hatches, the dean says, "thank you, Miss Funnie. We'll be in touch. Next."
On her way out of the audition, she bumps into another egg.
Apparently this is going to be a theme.
Doug is quietly drawing in the dorm when Judy kicks the door in, obviously upset. She paces around the room, ranting about how they don't know true artistic talent when they see it.
And this is the part where Doug has to console his rude, pretentious, sometimes helpful, sometimes unhelpful, older sister. While she's moaning about how she barely got three words out, Doug has to suggest that maybe they really liked those three words.
Judy starts to wonder if she's as good as she thinks she is. Judy asks how she'll ever face her friends if she doesn't get accepted to Vole. Doug asks about the other schools she applied to and she tells him she didn't apply to other schools because Vole means everything to her.
Then this woman knocks on the open door to interrupt, making me wonder if she was standing there the whole time Judy had a minor breakdown. Anyway, the dean wants to see Judy in his office and congratulations for being accepted to Vole University.
So Judy is back in front of the audition people.
The dean says, "despite your audition, we knew you belonged at Vole when we saw your portfolio. Very impressive artwork."
"Highly original. A bold statement. It has that primitive rough-hewn look that's reminiscent of Stanley Steele, one of our illustrious alumni, yet has its own unique character."
Judy starts to tell them that isn't her artwork, but the dean interrupts her to say she can major in art and minor in acting. Now that he's through interrupting her, he wants her to finish what she was saying. Instead, she has a fantasy. Her high school friends are accepting awards.
They all thank the schools they attended, then wonder what became of Judy.
I would watch this act and throw a couple bucks or maybe a can of tuna into the hat.
After the fantasy, she finishes what she was saying by changing it to, "that's not my best work." The dean takes this for modesty (ignoring the preposterous idea that an applicant wouldn't bring their best work (although she didn't look over her submission to make sure she brought the right pages anyway...) ), then invites her to demonstrate her drawing technique to his senior design class. She's glad to do it, sometime in the fall after she's enrolled. He means 30 minutes from now. He has a weekend seminar.
Doug is wandering around campus looking for Porkchop when Judy finds him.
Judy doesn't give a shit that Porkchop is missing. She needs Doug and drags him away. She shoves him into a supply closet, telling him not to ask questions. She tells him to just wait there.
He says, "sure, Judy. Always glad to help."
The dean introduces her to his seminar and sets her loose on a pretentious, improvised, pretentious speech about art.
A student interrupts her to ask for a demonstration of her technique. Judy tries to stall, but the dean hands her a pencil. She tears off a sheet of paper then leaves the room. In the closet, Doug asks, "how is my sitting in the closet helping you?"
Judy makes him draw something. He draws Quaildog punching an ionic column in half (presumably from the Quailman vs. Greek Architecture issue we've all heard so much about). Judy presents it to the class to a polite round of applause.
The dean starts to ask why she left the room but she cuts him off to explain she needed the "singularity of my aloneness." He rightly points out that she went out into a busy hallway, so she says something about the fluorescent lighting and leaves it at that.
Back in the closet, Doug hears Porkchop. He leaves the closet to try to find his missing dog, which he should really be more worried about anyway but Judy needs him to sit in a closet and that's fucking important goddammit leave him alone! He finds Porkchop in a cooking class pretty quickly.
Before Doug can think about returning to the closet, the student he met earlier approaches him with some more Stanley Steele fans. Doug is happy to meet them. They invite Doug to work on a sci-fi mural they're working on and he's fucking excited about this obviously awesome as fuck opportunity so fuck the closet.
Back at Judy's seminar, she's prattling on pretentiously when she's asked for another demonstration. She runs back to the closet to find it Dougless.
No matter.
Everyone is understandably confused, so she explains that this is an example of what an amateur artist might create. This is somehow revelatory to the senior students at the seminar.
Meanwhile, Doug is having the fucking time of his life.
Doug finally knows more than ever that this is what he wants to do with his life. So he calls Skeeter to have him check the mail to see if he won the contest.
Sadly, Doug didn't win the contest. While still on the phone with Skeeter, Doug imagines his career in comics now. He's just counting boxes at the shipping facility.
At the end of the day, Stanley Steele approaches him, criticizes the way he makes check marks, and fires him. After the fantasy, Skeeter is shouting into the phone, trying to get Doug's attention.
Back in the dorm, Judy is being smug about her new admirers while Doug is miserable.
Judy tries to reassure him that, since it was just a silly comic book contest, what do they know anyway? Doug tells her to forget it because he doesn't have any talent. She sees the drawing he did earlier and says he has talent. She's genuinely helpful as she tells him that it's not important what other people say about your talent. Even if no one else believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. Doug points out she didn't believe in herself when she didn't think she was accepted into Vole University. She says, "that's different...no. You're right. I let those judges rob me of my self-confidence. I almost let the steal my belief in my own talent. And no one should trifle with another person's talent, it's...oh...come on..."
She drags Doug back to the audition room. Another egg act is ending as they walk in.
Judy confesses to Doug that she was only accepted into Vole because of his art.
She has Doug draw something to prove that he's the artist behind the picture she accidentally submitted with her application.
The dean asks why she came forward with the truth now. She says Doug was feeling bad as an artist and she was feeling bad for getting in under false pretenses. He says this shows great integrity on her part. She asks if that means they'll still let her in, and he says no. Doug defends her, saying they never gave her a proper chance. They only let her get out three words.
Doug does a great, practical demonstration, asking, "how great would my drawings be if you just let me draw three lines?"
The dean admits that maybe they were unfair to Judy, but they've seen so many eggs....
So he lets Judy perform again, and guarantees that she can perform the whole piece.
The judges confer and tell Judy that her brother was right. She's good and the piece was very pretentious.
So, Judy is going to Vole University. The dean asks Doug to promise he'll consider coming to Vole when he turns 18. Doug agrees, but can I go ahead and predict that this pretentious trio will reject him when he applies for any number of reasons? Most likely, they'll call his work derivative. Either way, he'll get accepted or he won't and it ultimately won't matter because he'll do comics. Or maybe he'll create a TV show about his childhood.
So, Judy, Doug, and Porkchop are finally leaving. They are such big personalities, they have a crowd hanging around to send them off.
The art student Doug befriended thanks Doug for the sketch.
On the way home, Judy prattles on incessantly, pretentiously, about how talented she is.
The episode ends with the gag where she misses her exit because she's so engrossed in her one-sided conversation with Doug about herself.
What's going on with Grandma Opal?
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