Hello blog!

Hello! It's me, it's been a really long time on the blog. I wouldn't think I'd blog again but it has been on my mind for the past couple of months, so here goes: 

The reason I'd like to blog again is because I was encouraged from reading a book where the author blogged to write down her thoughts and also things she's been learning about. When I read that I was thinking, wow I haven't even looked at my blog in a very very long time. I also had a hard time even remembering how to find my blog again haha! My last post was 2016? Since then, I've actually continued to draft posts up to 2018 and then stopped altogether with the typing. Interestingly enough, I still continued to document my thoughts post-2018 which I'll write in subsequent posts. This is all to say, I've come to realize that I really like to journal what's been going on in my life and things I am learning. The reason I am returning to blog electronically is to document about life and what God has been showing and teaching me, so that I can look for it easier if I wanted to reference it back. Practical, right?

So essentially, my goal is to first summarize what I've been doing for the past six years to "catch-up" and then to continue to write posts on life and most likely book reviews/notes I want to document. Here we go!

black heart.

Today was a tiring day - mentally and spiritually. I wouldn't say I feel the greatest on the outside, but on the inside I'd like to say I gained a lot more because it has allowed me to realize how stubborn and black-hearted I am and can be, and the need for change. 

I had really negative thoughts when I received an email from a pastor to share about my short-term missions in front of an audience. I know, it shouldn't have been a big deal, but for me it was because of church politics/intentions and my attitude towards the church being stagnant. I allowed these thoughts to take over and cloud my judgment, ignoring that I can encourage, edify and challenge the people as a body of Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:11). So I insisted no in my mind and response, and it was not until I finally let go of these thoughts, took a piece of paper and wrote on one side why I didn't want to, and the other side why I should share. And that is when I saw how dark my heart was...I was trying to justify not sharing due to my stubbornness and injustice I felt in my mind compared to how God would be able to use my sharing to further people's understanding of the Palestinians and be challenged to consider missions wherever. And when I admitted to this, well, it's not the greatest feeling on the outside, but I am relieved and happy that I saw this and had to do something about it. So I apologized, and whether I am to still share or not is not up to me, but going forward I definitely need to consider my decisions/actions to see whether it is one that brings good or harm to people. I'm probably considered very very weird to the pastor now -___- but...it is what it is...

I liked what a friend said to me: I am not perfect and that's the beauty of God's redeeming grace for me.

Thanks friends, for challenging me to really look beyond my feelings (since feelings come and go...) and dig deeper to the root of my heart. 

God is good....all the time!!! 

Psalm 51

Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God

51 51 51 

Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
    blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin!

3 For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
    and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
    and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
    build up the walls of Jerusalem;
19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.