today *** left church early, leaving us behind.
he has been very mean recently...
when we came home, mommy asked casually, where in the world did *** go?
and BOO muttered, "check if it is ****'s off-day...." but loudly.
I told her she was way too loud, but alarms went off in my head.
I called ** and pretended that i was bored, but i wanted to know if **** was at home.
** told me she was out celebrating her cousin's birthday and would be home around 6.

I asked how come **** had so many off-days, and she said, well, since she is rather good i just go easy. Combusting blood boiling sparks flying in my brain and heart (you don't know anything!). Jesus. deal with *** please. take him away. we could all do without him. i don't want to care.

-

one more thing. 

after this other episode (that has to do with school), i think something changed deep in me.

i guess it's for the better but i'll never know immediately.
All i know right now is that i hope it stays, all this passion and determination and a renewed interest in my education and getting my life straightened out.

after that incident where i met ms k at the library, i felt shaken. idky but it affected me so much that i was in perpetual shock and i tried to suppress it but it kept leaking out... even the following day in school i had to try so hard not to cry the entire day. I couldn't even look ms soh in the eye when she was reassuring me. each time i determined myself to be strong and to take it all in bravely, something/one would come by and mess my emotions all up again.

anw the point is. i thought i could keep it in still but the minute ms k opened her mouth and said "i'm not trying to upset you" i just burst into tears (IN SCHOOL) and cried like i've never ever cried before. embarrassing. but cathartic nonetheless. GOD PLEASE HELP ME.