I hate.  

Posted by Shad

I hate the fact that you used to be a part of my life. I hate the fact that we are not able to have a decent conversation without me making a scene.I hate the fact that you're closer to my twin, as if my existence is irrelevant. I hate the fact that you always appear in my mind at my weakest moment. I hate the fact that everything I try to achieve, will always be so I could make you proud. I hate the fact that I have not reached my goals and you're close to yours. I hate the fact that I can't even find myself, but you have found someone else even.


I hate that we're so far apart now.

I hate myself, most of all for not being able to handle the matters of the heart.

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I blog when I'm moody, so sue me.  

Posted by Shad


I’ve been viewing my previous posts, and boy o boy, do I sound childish or what? Haha, whooo cares, this is my blog, my rants! I shouldn’t blog through peer pressure, hell no. I’m happier when I write, ergo I write when I’m moody. So if I write just to satisfy some folks, in the end, I’ll get even more stressed out than before! Then why write, right? And mum if you’re reading my blog, which I’m sure you will, please oh please don’t bring it up when you see me. I’m okay with you reading, but it’s soooo not cool when you talk about it.

Final exams are upon us, for us students. Unfortunately I am still a student. Gah, most of my friends are all married to their jobs now but where am I? I’m still in uni. I have accomplished nothing and though my friends keep telling me ‘you should be happy that you’re not working, coz it’s tough and tiring and stressful and not worth it and this and that’ but it is even more so, for me when it comes to the rat race. The familiar feeling of being left behind in a 400m dash looms every time I hear my compadres talk about their work life. I feel like I just don’t belong in my social circle anymore. To add salt to my bitter wound, my new friends from class are so much younger, mentally. The age gap is just too wide i suppose. Being so, I can never maintain a proper conversation with them. sigh. Don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate them, but I can never achieve verbal climax when I’m with them. Not to say that I’m hellava matured laaa, I know I’m not but I strive to be. I’m going to be 24 this year and I don’t want to speak like a 15 year old. I want to converse about the world, the economy, the politics, something productive or profounding. And I want a matured response, not a goofy joke or a blank expression. The other day, I tried talking about Apple’s business strategy(quite interesting kay!) and they dismissed it and created another topic of interest which involves some girl who just came to MMU. I didn’t quite catch it, because they started speaking in Mandarin. Which brings me to another point, respect.

My colleagues are mostly chinese educated, and being so they prefer to converse in their mother tongue. Not that I’m against it or anything, I’m fine with it actually. I learn to pick up some words and after 2 years, I have been able to understand simple simple sentences. But the thing is, where is the respect? When you have a person of a different race, who’s not able to understand the conversation, obviously you speak in a language so that everybody, even the minority of the group could understand. It goes without saying. Its etiquette, come on. They could very well speak in English, but they refused to. Why, because it’s too hard to speak in English they say. But that’s a good thing isn’t it? I mean, it shows that you put in a considerable amount of effort so that I, the minority could be part of the herd. I would respect you even more actually, because all I ask for is a little effort. A friend of mine told me a lot of times a few years back, that even the little things matter. It’ll pile up into something worse. I have learnt it the hard way, and at times when I get into a fight with my respective half, my mind slips silently to the past and reminisce about the mistakes I made a long time ago. I just hope my friends would realize it sooner than I did before the situation gets unpleasant. Of course their conversation will always be about this person and that person, the gf and that bf, the new ixora curtains and bedsheets, nothing that would pique my interest, but it’s the effort that I want to see. I have never complained to them about their immaturity, neither have I ridiculed them. For a short amount of time, I tried to be productive and contribute to their conversation but it felt dry. I feel like my words lack the substance and weight to disseminate. I tried, and honestly, it didn’t feel right. But at least, I tried.

To get a friend, you must first be a friend.

Why am I rambling on and on about this? Because I'm plain unhappy with my current clique. )= Why don't I find new friends, some might ask. For starters, accounting students in my class are mostly, chinese ed. Sorry for generalizing, but they tend to hang out only with their own clique. The non chinese ed ones, well they don't come for classes that often. Lol. Secondly, they're book-smart people, and are very dedicated at achieving good results. Better the good apples than the rotten ones right? I may be unhappy, but at least I'm producing better results compared to my engineering days.


Not to say that I don't have other friends outside my circle, I do.

I have found people who are matured beyond their age, whom I admire and respect. For instance, I met this guy through my small business, who supplies products for me. And every time we have a simple conversation online, I will always be baffled by his knowledge on the world, on everything mostly. He speaks with such confidence and at the same time, he is always humble. When we chatted about my mom's deteriorating health, he not only offered support, he even gave me useful information on how to handle the situation. It is not often that I can find people with the similar trait in MMU, but hey maybe it's because I'm way older than most of the accounting students.

Oh well, beggers can't be choosers right. I will make do with what I have, for the time being.


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Empty  

Posted by Shad

Sigh, I just felt like blogging.

Lately, I've been feeling empty of sorts. Even though I'm surrounded by so many friends, and having so much fun, I can't seem to fill in that void.

I cant be genuinely happy. There's always that side of me that wants to break down and give up on everything. Sigh, and I cant understand why.

I thought I had moved on.

Why.

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Stop Animation Courtesy of Yours Truly =D  

Posted by Shad



Enjoy~
Any ideas on how to improvise my animation? I lack creativity you see ;) and I'm just tinkering with some new things here. I'd appreciate any tips from anybody! Oh and please please recommend me some softwares to make this kind of movies. Honestly, Windows Movie Maker suck donkey balls. Its not user friendly AT ALL especially to newbies like me. Stressssss...
Please and thank you!

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I'm back!!  

Posted by Shad

Hey peepz!

I’m back after a long hiatus of excruciating stress, a lil note, not only did I make my blog private I actually closed my blog. For those of you kind and free people =D who emailed me, check your account. I’ve mailed ya’ll back explaining my situation. I’ve been bogged (or boned in Marina’s term.lol) with killer assignments and exams la. I had to deviate my time to just studies since I was under a lot of pressure from everybody and literally everything. GAH! *takes a deep breath* All is well now, as I’ve passed that menstrual-like phase. Holidays are up now, wish I could find some people I could hang out with but sadly, MMU holidays coincide with NONE of the other colleges and universities in Malaysia. AND we only have 3 measly weeks of holiday so I have to plan fast what to do and where to go. So far, I went to KL to attend the Emergency Festival to listen to the Baling talk which they reenacted, word by word used by Tunku Abdul Rahman and the rest. Quite an eye opener actually. Amanda played the role of David Marshall in one of the sessions, a famous lawyer who I’m quite certain pronounced treacherous as tre-che-resss and not trai-tor-rousss. Inside joke, heh. I’d put up pictures from the Emergency festival but the pictures I have are all blurred =D Oh well, a person like me coming all the way from Malacca to KL to see his friend, would want at least a nice picture of his trip there. Too bad he didn’t get it. HAHA =D Inside joke again.LOL

Anyways, I’ve digressed too much from the main point. I’m back and there’ll be more posts to come and more pictures perhaps.

Aight, time to hit the gym again. I plan to not get flabby during the holidays. Hoo hah!

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I'm sorry  

Posted by Shad


shud have never trusted u wit it in the 1st place...


hello.. not bout takin personally... u publisized it... when it isn even true...


no i hate u for dat part n wat u have caused due to wat u did da other day....


u need a bitch slap...

Sigh, acrimonious words that were used against me by a close friend. Her words stung like hell. Didn’t know blogging could hurt so bad, to both parties. Forgive me, please, for my post and for my poor choice of words, it was my mistake. I thought we were okay with it. It’s not that I’m full of myself or anything; I really thought it was a moment worth sharing. I'm really sorry.

My ignorance causes animosity time and time again, why, even my ex is still miserable cause' of what I made her go through, and I've lost her to the point of no return. I only have memories of her to keep me together, and even that is falling apart. I get insanely jealous at everyone she hangs out with and I kept hurting her in the process. News of the Monash ball really killed me. Bah, I could bloody murder that guy who asked her to be his date.

Now I've lost another friend who I confide my troubles to. I even lost her trust.

 Two of the most important women in my life are now gone.

Call me a pessimist, but I really wish I could escape from this damn reality, cause' life just isn't worth all that trouble =(

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Beeesss  

Posted by Shad

Previously, I posted some pictures of a bee hive at the back of my house. Well, the bees have been smoked cause’ my dad wanted to saw down the ridiculously thick branch that they were on. On a lighter note though, the bees have already started building their new sanctuary on an even higher branch. They must really love that tree la.

Dad said those bees are harmless but try not to aggravate the ones in Zoo Negara. They'll attack anyone within a hundred meters of their hive.

There’s like this weird emoticon like pattern on the hive, I think the bees are trying to tell me something.

Its so symmetrical!


Too bad I had to destroy such a fine piece of work. Honey anyone?


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