Omerta: 2005/07

Sunday, July 31, 2005

pray tarry a while sir
listen to what i have to say
international geopolitics
is convulated
a field distorted by freak occurrences
enshrouded in espionage
how can one predict
the behaviour of a country?
you simply cant
simply too many factors to consider
how should a country
a nation
determine its foreign policy?
salaam 48-18

tadah

Friday, July 29, 2005

apologies.
that was written in a moment of frustration
and self indulging anger.
ignore it.

but please. heed its implied message.

i saw you standing by the roadside
just for a fleeting moment
when time seemed to slow
(or perhaps the driver just slowed down)
and..
sigh
words cannot describe my indecision
my lack of assurance
in my decision.
or the lack thereof.

shame.
shame on cowards who would speak but not reveal their name.
shame on little fools who cower in the shade of fear and anonymity.
but more importantly
shame on those who would not stop even after they realise the consequences
do you not realise it?
have i not written it?
is it not clear?
anon- own up or clear out.

i saw you standing by the roadside

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

anon please reveal your identity to me
if you have a shred of humanity i implore you to
please.

champions
we still are
its disappointing yeah
but i think ive
we've
learnt so much from this tournament
most importantlyits how to be champions
how to never give up
to fight till the last dying breath
to win honourably and lose gracefully

the semis were bad
thought we were going to lose
almost did actually
really tired
somehow demoralised
and i think thats where we really became champions
we fought against ourselves
and won
our greatest opponents
jg winners we were
but i dont think we were ever champions till today
when we realised how its like to lose when it counts
when we strove to leap across that final hurdle
and in that sense
we didnt really lose today
what happened
today
on saturday
serves to make us stronger
better

grats ri
specially fahd
haha
another lesson learnt
never underestimate your opponents
even subconsciously

thanks so much team
you guys as big as champs get
in spirit
and alot more!

joan..heh..thankss!

most importantly
thank you Lord
your will
is all.

josh- kia mau! set backs these may be, but the plan goes on! someone may throw a spanner in the works but theyll never destroy the ac machine..because...

THE BEST IS YET TO BE

Saturday, July 23, 2005

it just occurred to me
that things truly do come full circle
that something that was almost an end
became a saving grace
and a saviour for me
today.

today was hcs
today i did what was possibly the worst speech ive delivered in three years
today i made the worst call for a case that ive ever done
today i panicked
twice
and ive learnt
several things
one
its all in His hands
his purpose is divine and supreme
two
the only thing to fear is fear itself
anxiety is a byproduct of fear and there is no need to be anxious

realised this is the first debate we've lost
as the three s3s in the principal positions
a first time for something else too
and that just really reminded me
we may be champions
but we are far from the best
we may be winners
but we are far from perfect
as a matter of fact
we've been doing WORSE than what we did at jgs
for all three rounds today
but ive always had this philosophy
when fallen down the hill
right down to its base
the only way is up.

champions never give up
champions never stop believing
champions never let losing get to their head
champions f-i-g-h-t
champions are humble in victory
champions are dignified in defeat
champions depend on the Lord as their strength
but above all
champions never surrender till the day is lost...or won
paul, sean, adwyn, sam
lets be champions.

there is no defeat

Friday, July 22, 2005

kiarite
kiarite
ih kamu
ringa pakia
wae wae taria kino ki
ka mate ka mate
ka ora
ka mate ka mate
ka ora
tenei te tangata
puhuruhuru
nanaei tiki mai
whaka whiti te ra
ka upa
ka upa
ka upane kaupane
whiti te ra

d day

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Thirty-eight years ago on this day,
the 21st of July.
Singapore experienced the bloodiest race riots
which left 23 people dead and another 460 injured.
We commemorate Racial Harmony Day on this day
to remind Singaporeans of what could happen
if we fail to maintain harmony
among the different racial and religious groups in
Singapore.
In a culturally diverse society like Singapore,
racial and religious harmony is critical.
Without it, there can be no unity and strength,
and without unity and strength,
there can be no progress and prosperity for our nation.
Tolerance and understanding,
in turn,
are key to preserving harmony and peace.
The SAF is one of our key national institutions.
Singaporeans of all races and religions
serve together in the SAF to safeguard Singapore's security .
The strength of the SAF depends on our servicemen working together
and putting their trust in one another,
in their camaraderie and esprit de corps.
The basic ingredient for this is
understanding and tolerance of one another,
of those who are of different racial and religious backgrounds.
Whether you are a regular, NSF, NSman or civilian,
you can help to strengthen cohesion in MINDEF and the SAF.
Reach out to your fellow servicemen of different races and religions.
Seek to understand their cultures,
be sensitive to their needs,
and invite them to join in your cultural festivities.
Each of us can play a part to build
friendship,
understanding
and trust
among all Singaporeans.
In doing so, we will contribute to building a strong and cohesive SAF.

DR TONY TAN KENG YAMDEPUTY PRIME MINISTER AND MINISTER FOR DEFENCE

happy racial harmony day adriel!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

you exist beyond time
outside the boundaries of reality
plato i believe
spoke of the immutable mould
the perfect cast from which all things are made of
the perfect
surely then you exist not as the creation
but as the creator
like the ass who chases after the apple
ever before him
the truth shatters all
dawning realisation brings a crushing blow to existence
impossible
unreachable
a goal unattainable
only a fool would pursue
and like a fool
i must be satisfied with what i have
with the ability to see
to observe
the immutable
the immortal
perhaps never understanding
nor ever...
but ever watching
and in that way
ever waiting

team analysis- ******
its pathetic
theyre all pathetic
individually theyve failed to fire
with their backline in a disorganised shamble
and their pack dysfunctional
its obvious that their drive to win
has disappeared
their fire extinguished
that wouldnt even be so bad if they retained some technical competency
but that seems to be lacking too
maybe its interlinked?
maybe its just gone
whatever the case
this team is on the decline
fast
without some miracle
theyre doomed to failure
especially with the upcoming three test series
itll be tough
but we'll see how they fare this sat..
we'll see

carpe diem?

Saturday, July 16, 2005

just got back
josh dragged me to lim hui's house!
haha, didnt know we'd stay there for so long
rather cool

school sucks
ive lost all respect for a certain prefect
hmm..what else?
oh yeah
hcjc.

the night before the battle is always the most exhilarating
wonder how the american/british/french soldiers felt on the eve of d day

and ive suddenly lost the drive
maybe its my tired body
maybe its my weary mind
temporary highs of the soul
are insufficient to alleviate me from this pit
maybe its something deeper
do i refuse to acknowledge it?

or have i lost the meaning to live?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

today was a day of an amazing amount of ups and downs
day started well
with me helping at charity cafe
the whole day was spent stuffing myself in the name of charity
sold quite a bit of junk too..
speaking of which..i wonder if the cup of ice cream float that had a fly in it got sold in the end..
then it was chinese oral
didnt quite care about it
attitude going in was " fail then fail la"
atttitude reading the passage was "okay, i can ace this"
and on the way out of the audi?
"fail la"
haha, but yeah, back to attitude one
its just oral
so my day took a little dip
then i went to training
the sec one training was alright
then i found out the hc motion
and of course the day shot through the roof
then hc came to spar
and i screwed up
the day began to drop below sac level
went home to a great dinner
things began to look up
researched some stuff
looking up even more
and then bang
everything collapses
aye.
everything
a little bit of info can go a long way
but like what i said
im ready
ive been expecting it
but yet..not really ready for it
hci invites coming up
i need the stamina to last these few weeks..
after that..
nothing really matters.

f***

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

im confused
utterly puzzled

when we get to b___
r__ gonna say
how to get to b___
how you find your way
i reply with my little mighty finger
i find my way as an ac warrior

right
sorry to all r______
;)
really no offence meant, just wanted to get that down somewhere

dazzling finish

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The bean opened the door, waved hi and sat down at the table. putting one arm over the back of the chair, he grabbed a bottle of whisky with his free hand, drinking deeply.
" so hows life?"
" ah, its alright i guess"
"gonna do any thinking tonight?"
" guess not..say, i havent seen you for a long time..how are things around here?"
" oh..not too well really, things are falling apart, especially this place..." he waves in random directions, clealry indicating the room.
" i see...guess thats my fault huh.."
" yeahhh..sure is"
" sigh, im trying..."
" no you're not."
with that, he finished his whisky and walked out of the room.

if anyone guesses the real meaning of this..im calling the cops.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

mum told me my first ever tv show was the NDP
heh
told me i was set for a life as a civil servant or president
ah well
when i was younger
i always held the national anthem in great respect
perhaps to what most would call an absurd level
i recall teachers in school instructing us on the proper procedure when the anthem was played
back straight
no talking
no fidgeting
yep
everytime i heard the anthem i would snap into that position
even when i was walking OUTSIDE another primary school while they were having flag lowering.
i used to love singing the singapore songs they had in primary school
not that i can sing
but it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside
(for a lack of better words)
the warm sense of meaning in the songs
and somehow
perhaps deep inside me
a sense of pride of being singaporean
i used to love the NDPs with the military displays
that was always the highlight
tanks, commandos etc
dad would labouriously ( or perhaps enjoyable) recount the purpose and history of each of the units
giving me a thorough brief of their uses and capabilities in warfare
i was proud too
proud of my father
perhaps in a broader sense
proud of the company of people my father swore allegiance to
the soldiers of singapore
i used to have that same warm fuzzy feeling when i watched reenactments of independence in 65, the japanese occupation, the racial riots.
a feeling of indescribable..satisfaction
contentment perhaps
14 years since i watched my 'first tv show'
i reflect upon this nation i belong to
mr tay asked today
"is singapore a state without a nation?"
as ive grown older
ive been weak perhaps
unable to defend my original opinions about the country
about national day songs
to seemingly intellectual, know-alls( and this is not derogatory)
people i respected and admired
condemning singaporean propaganda
lambasting the government for nepotism, ineptitude, illegal political backstabbing and manipulation
criticising the fundamentals of a society ive existed in for so long
and like so many other instances
i let myself be moved
by words spoken with conviction
by opinions elaborated and enunciated with reason and logic

todays multitude of speeches
about singapore
singaporean identity
culture
and not just that
but the miasma (as jay would say)
of radical questions, comments and very critical arguments
as well as challenges
some self realised
some offered by that aforementioned mr tay
have altered my perception of many things

perhaps first and foremost
my idea of singapore and country
i cant proclaim to be as well travelled as several others
not as well read
i cant pretend to understand the differences in culture, environment, and the faces, places and spaces in other countries and singapore, having only seen the outside world from a pleasure seeking tourists perspective
but from what myopic viewpoints i have
i believe in the singaporean story
i believe in a government that led us from 3rd world to first
before you jump to the conclusion that ive been 'propagandised'
i do realise the many flaws we have here
some have infuriated myself too
the irritating impoliteness of our society
the lack of creativity and a cowardice to act radically
conservatism as well as a rigid adherence to precedence
but i believe nonetheless
i believe in carpe diem
in seizing the day
and that the future is ours to make
its not an impossible situation like josh hoe said
nor do i think its a matter of time and natural progression
our identity
singapore's soul
is key to our survival
perhaps in the past
it was anti-colonialism
anti-occupation
and perhaps a drive to succeed post-merger that formed our national identity
in the coming century whereby the hard work has been done
whereby the battles have been fought
there lies one more task
to somehow chance upon that idyll of a singaporean society
a place we can call home
not just literally
but figuratively as well
spiritually
singapore as a homeland

another thing ive come to realise
is perhaps ive been running away all my life
running away from hardship
God has blessed me so that i always had easy options
things were easy from the start
no financial difficulties
affluence
great parents
opporuntities
support
encouragement
and i always had a door out from the pain
the punishments
in primary school
when i forgot my plastic container for art
i would sally down to the front office to ask if they had any i could use
knowing full well that my position as head prefect would impress upon them some urgent official need
in secondary school
there were always debates to get out of UYOs
there was always a measure of doubt
to establish my arguments
there were and still are seniors who stick up for me and believe in me
convenient 'illnesses' etc.
and i realise what a coward ive been
all my life ive run away from the things that didnt come naturally to me
to scouts
to discipline
to serious academic study
they say you have to use your blessings well
and even then
not only do i use my blessings as opportunities to run away
i dont even put them to the proper usage appropriate for God.

it was the 7th anniversary for the frontliners, or the youth group at bedok methodist church on sat. a jubilee of sorts
i recall reading that in the israel of past
a year that was a certain multiple of seven
i cant remember now
was supposed to be a new start
debts were forgiven
prisoners released
feasts in celebration of a new beginning
i made a prayer that night to have my own beginning
and perhaps today
ive realised what sort of direction i must take in this new start
to stop running away

my most sincere request
to those who believe in Christ
to pray for a coward
to pray for a person lacking moral fibre
to pray for a lazy sloth
to pray for a sinful and unworthy servant
that he may become more like his namesake
fully subservient
fully obedient
to Jehovah
the God of Jacob, Abraham and of me.

im a silly fool to believe in tradition
but one superstition for me
is that ive never worn anthing other than a prefects tie to a major competition
y14s
jgs
rmun
and honestly
ive been in the board just for that spunky little tie
ive thouht it over though
i admit im still a little resentful towards the council and the incident that happened back then
still a littel irritated by mr bongard
but like so many people tell me
if you dont try to change things
who will?
am i willing to put my life down on the line for something i believe in?
something i want to fight for?
i shall.
i must.
and so i shall continue to run for council
i shall turn up for the training this saturday

to sith lord
- im sorry i wont be able to support you like you did for all our rounds and debates...but i would be lying if i went to jcdc this sat. i would have that blight in my heart, that blight of using it as an excuse to run away and to infuriate the council. that wouldnt be right. so ill go for saturdays training. and i hope we get to cheer, because then there wld be more meaning to that, i would be cheering with reason, with some purpose.
nonetheless
kia mau umaga
the nz papers declared before the second test match
"ITS WAR"
clive and co having infuriate them
you know enough of the spin that comes from the other teams
take it
and show them this saturday
on the same day the all blacks will play their historic third match against the lions
show rock solid defence
dazzling attack
and brilliant solo performance
ala carter..
and get that man of the match!

to ___
perhaps
i shall just admire from afar
because i fear irritating you
of being tiresome and bothersome
perhaps waiting in the wings would be the best course of action
camp out there
wait for the centres to pass some quick ball
and if theres space to run..
then score.
perhaps.

and so
a new beginning from tomorrow onwards
a promise to all who read this
and for He who knows all.
help me to keep to my word.
thanks
;)

faces, places and spaces

some things i HAVE to blog about

american ninja 4
yes
a rather brilliant show i managed to catch towards the end
here are some rather hilarious things about the movie

- there are bad ninjas all over the place. dressed in red, blue, yellow and black.
- best thing is, they take orders from an arab who gives commands to 'the faithful'
- when the arab mastermind runs away from a gunfight and into the escape copter with a bomb 'big enough to blow up new york", a convo ensues
copter pilot- "where to??"
arab mastermind- "mecca"
- one good guy catches fire and instead of rolling about the ground to try to get the flames off, he stumbles around moaning "noooo"
- bad ninja dies the same way
- rag tag rescue team turns up armed with shotguns, grenade launchers, machine guns, and one guy carrying..wait for it... a frying pan.

american ninja 4, showing in all good cinemas

on to more intellectual things
the ib symposium today was rather cool
interesting speeches, questions etc..
some quotes, extracts i thought were particularly meaningful

" This generation isnt willing to lay their lives on the line for something they want"
" We are all subservient to western culture"
" your generation may be open, but its a consuming openness, its not an openness [to ideas] that produces, it consumes."
- Mr Tay Kheng Soon. If theres one thing i learnt from him today, its that i need to question more. ALOT more.

haha, actually, thats about all i really remember
i guess i was entranced by mr tay's outrageous almost conspiracy theorish ideas and concepts
hmm
to be able to develop such criticism of the surroundings
to formulate such in depth and piercing observations
fantastic.

last but not least
decision making time!
where i go this saturday will decide my priorities in the upcoming school year
prefects?
debate?
both?
yes
whether i turn up or not
may the force be with you umaga
open up the floodgates and begin the scoring fest!
and bring back the series!
add it to the collection ;)

thats all for now, more later as i regress into a more reflective mood!

his mastery of language was robbed by grief

Monday, July 04, 2005

a door closed
words fail me
again
as i seek to describe
that rejection.
perhaps i WAS right
perhaps it was foolish to pursue it
from the start
foolish eyes and a foolish heart
come to no good end
im strangely...
resigned
yes
thats the word
resigned
to this very possible conclusion
the worst thing of course
being that of not knowing for sure
and as mssr hiew likes to say
run the risk of it turning into a self fulfilling prophecy

what course of action to take?
please advise.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

youre just too good to be true
cant take my eyes of you.
but i have to
staring, is after all, rude.

stand in black tomorrow
lousy woodward
blaming his failure on unfairness and foul play
pah
easy to say
talk is cheap.
kia mau.

may i?

so im actually editing this
3 years later
so no one sees this
the year is 2008
and like 2005
and 2006
and 2007
july is a shitty month for me
im up 3am
still crying
im so weak i know
i dont shed a tear for 12 years
and it seems like ill be crying for 12 hours to make up for it
what hurts the most now
is the idea of never
all the things ill never be able to do
and it hurts the most because shes different from all the others
i knew for the rest
it wasnt going to last
and i look back and i know i never loved them
how can you love someone you dont know?
and in the space of one night
ive gone from denial to anger to bargaining
and im at depression now
stage 4 of grief
i can cry on command now
boy wouldnt some actors kill to have that ability
everythings just so empty now
more so than the loss after jgs
and i really have no one to turn to
in the past year
every time i really felt down
for one reason or another
all i really wanted to do was to be near her
but she doesnt want that i guess
and now when it hurts the most
i have no one to turn to
not God
i am dead to Him in sin
paul and my other friends are there for me
but its just different
its so pathetic
really
ive made everything in my life for the past year
dependent on her
and so no
i dont know what it means to be held
to be told that its alright
i give myself till sunday
this is the sucky thing see
i cant afford to spend weeks in agony and torment
not at this critical time
better now than at the end of the year i suppose

goodbye

Omerta