2010: not so good after all

you know, i really thought 2010 is the best year of my life so far.

i went china for summer programme, i explored vietnam, ethan is born... i've never seen how happy my parents are until the birth of ethan.

however, i never expect the happiness to be so short lived.

almost 3 weeks ago (on the last day of the semester to be exact), the most unexpected thing happened.

my brother in law (billy) passed away suddenly (not ethan's dad but still). he was 31.

i still remember that friday, i lugged 14 ice cold boxes of egg beancurd to school for my friends to motivate everyone for the exams. i was so tired that day that i slept at 9pm. i received a call from my bro-in-law's best friend (samuel) at 12am but i didn't answer cuz my phone was on silent mode. then, i heard the ringing of my house phone and i had a very bad feeling. yes it was samuel and my eldest sis answered the call. he told my sister that billy is in hospital cuz he fainted.

my sister quickly came into my room and told me abt it. to avoid alerting my parents and cause unnecessary panic, i decided to head down to the hospital with my sister although i was having a very bad headache. in my mind, i constantly tell myself 'yes billy kor fainted. it must be due to hypertension or exhaustion. my worst fear is just stroke'.

if you know billy kor, you will know he is very big sized so naturally everyone will associate him with many health risks such as heart attack.. high cholesterol... etc.

when i reached the hospital, i was confused because samuel didnt tell me the ward number but i didn't care so much because i thought they were still processing the administrative work and all i want to do that moment is to grab my sister (faith) and tell her everything is okay. when i finally reached A&E, samuel directed us to the room and when i opened the room everyone was crying. i still didn't suspect anything until 5 minutes later.

there are no machines/tubes on my brother-in-law. how can it be? then i realised his whole body was already wrapped... i didn't cry. i was too shocked. i called my parents and broke the news.. my parents cannot believe it and told them to rush down to see billy for the last time. i also called my sister joni and as usual everyone cannot believe their ears... i mean, who can?

the moment my parents saw billy, i couldn't take it anymore and all of us cried. billy kor was at his prime. why him? even till today, i still cannot find the answer but i am no longer interested in finding out because it will not change anything.

how he passed on is still a mystery. my sister found him motionless on the floor at home on friday night and he was already not breathing. 20 minutes before my sister found him, they were still exchanging text messages and billy kor still called his mother because his father's birthday is the next day and he bought his dad a cake. he was still laughing with his colleagues 2 hours before his demise...

i can never understand what is going through my sister's mind now. she found her late hubby's body at home and tried her best to bring him back but failed. she had to identify his body 4 times, sign the death certificate, explain and recap how she found my bro-in-law to the police twice...

my sister was together with billy for 13 years. they were each others first love and dated for 11 years before they got married 2 years ago. they seldom quarrel and my bro-in-law is the best hubby anyone can ask for, so much so that my sister is so dependent on him that i always scold her that she is too spoilt. 3 weeks prior to my bro-in-law's death, my sister suffered a miscarriage and she was grieving very badly. however my bro-in-law told her that although they do not have the baby anymore, she still has him. but in 1 month, she lost the 2 most important things in her life.

my parents were devastated with billy's death too. they treated billy like their own son. on the 2nd day of the wake, my dad, mum, my eldest sis and myself sat together at the living room and we talked about things i never knew about my family. my father, clearly very sad, told us that he wanted to give him one of his most possessed item (his watch) to billy but he didn't expect this to happen.

personally, i have been "actively" involved in 2 funerals - 2 grandfathers' and my dad has always been the one 'in-charge'. however, it never occur to me that my own father has to prepare for his own son-in-law's funeral. i also cannot imagine the pain my dad is going through.

as for my mother, when she came home after we cleared billy kor's belongings, she carried ethan and told ethan "ethan, 姨丈没有了. 没有姨丈疼你了." ethan became such an angel even until today.. he seems to know that something has changed.

as for my 2nd sis (joni), she is the most noble out of all. she moved in with my sister together with my bro-in-law (kenneth) because my sister cannot bear to leave the house. she has to constantly endure my sis's mood swings and it has been very hard on her because i was busy with exams and couldn't help much.

now that my papers have ended, i am taking part of the responsibilities and i know it is going to be hard. i know i can never replace billy kor because he is irreplaceable. for now, i only hope that the pain in all of us (esp my sis's) can be lesser everyday, and everyday will pass faster so that my sister can recover and embrace her new life without billy kor.

billy kor is truly one good man and i've always set a criteria that "my boyfriend must be like billy kor". i know everyone misses him but i know he will not want us to mourn for his death for too long.

billy kor, i only hope that you can grant faith the power to live everyday happily, and to lessen her pain slowly daily. we will always be with her like how you will always be in our hearts :)

*summarised many stuff because it is very depressing to list everything down. haiz. i also dunno if i can tell everyone everything. haiz. life's so unpredictable.

treasure every moment and never take anything for granted is what i learn from this.

our first and last family photo with ethan at MBS about 1 month ago. that day was the happiest day of my life because everyone in the family is so happy. when i saw this photo, i was still looking forward to my graduation photoshoot... so that we can take a family graduation shoot....

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