who am i.
i am a sojourner, lost in an endless sea of faces
judging, rejecting
reducing to a single thought, an entire life.
i am an elitist.
a walking contradiction.
rejecting the mediocrity that i too carry
and exalting the genius of mere humans.
inferiority seeps in
a virus that spreads like a plague

i need strength.

is anxiety the mark of freedom
or the curse of a meaningless melancholy?
i know not.

what am i believing in?
i call myself a Christian, like many others
yet the time will come, that Christ will come
and some will claim to have done great deeds in His name
and God will say, 'I do not know you.'
the world has its author
can there be more than one true interpretation of a text?

perhaps all God wants of us is to lead a happy life
to cherish the gift of life and live it to the full.
what does that even mean?
where can i start?
to love unreservedly
to be joyful in all circumstances
let not anxiety creep in

that i cannot.

i despise
i judge
i criticize
and i negate.

it is little wonder
that a world with one creator and many destroyers
is falling into pieces

i am missing the point.
i too, am falling into pieces.

freedom is the high point
from which we all fall off.

0. oOo

yesterday evening:
me to God: 'Hey! Why is it that i've never seen a pink or purple mini cooper in my life?'
yesterday night:
God replies: 'Here's for looking at you, kid!'

---

if you've seen me when i see a mini cooper
you'll know that i delight in them a great deal
you see, they're special to me in the same way rainbows are...
they're God's way of saying to me 'i love you.' and 'i'm listening to you'
and though it's not something i don't already know,
it feels good each time i hear it from Him anyway.

1. oOo

oh brief aubade.
reflection cast on moving water
dip and dither. dance daintily,
dart from ripple to ripple.
hang and hover
in a graceful pirouette
of endless circles.

peal petals peel.
pare and shed that protective covering
unfurl your sails to catch the wind
in a cacophony of silence.

the air tenses
with droning turgidity
a flower propped up by a stiff stem
reeking of amaranthine tediousness.
the air quivers.
the entire universe moves
around the still pivot of a single flower
and a mayfly.

mayflies flit
across enduring purple skies of may
and then they are gone.
come, descend into oblivion.
swallowed by disappearing ripples...
you cannot cure the world of its lingering amnesia.

3. oOo

Is it not time that, in loving,
we freed ourselves from the loved one, and, quivering, endured:
as the arrow endures the string to become,
in the gathering out-leap,
something more than itself? For staying is nowhere

Rainer Maria Rilke-The First Elegy

repetition is an eternity of death.

2. oOo

some people create paper universes
for the sake of writing about them
i don't create universes
i merely write about them as things happen
things go on whether i write about them or not.
a life is not just about chronicles and volumes
yet memories and aspirations only find real existence
after they have been penned down.

i need time to be alone
to do things because i want to do them
i am no butterfly, formulated on a pin
chased down and held up like a prize.
so leave me be
to steep in words sights and sounds
i want to be alive.

here i am again, in search of kierkegaard
someone brimming with lyrical intensity
and aesthetic genius.
but should i meet him some day,
i will be afraid.
that he'd look me over in contempt
for sharing in the dull dispassion of these times.

0. oOo

a fallen leaf in a temporal river
enveloped in haze.
the future is surreal
created the moment before i cross over to the next.
it must be formless, uncertain.
for if it is already present,
why do i have to wait so long for it to arrive?
slowly i kill time
hoping that eternity will remain unblemished.
the past i leave behind in fragments
a tapestry that's simultaneously fading into nothingness
and being mended by new pieces every moment.
must i choose each moment
and contemplate my dying questions
or can i choose
once and for all
decide without ever turning back
or going full circle, to where i once was,.

so much time i have lost
so much energy dispensed.
i crouch on the ground with lowered lenses
tired, soundless, weeping.
why do you write such beautiful words
that even though i know not what you mean
the mere sounds of your still voice
running over these words like a river
brings me down to my knees in sorrowful anguish.
why do you paint with such vivid color
that blinds me by its unending whitewashed contrast.
i am estranged in paralysis
wearied as i plod through the mire of my hours
my minutes and seconds i desire, i lament as i find myself bereft
yet the very lease of time
that i inhale and squander away
is too long a cigarette for me to bear
it burns. i am in flames.

can i just hit upon the refresh button
to brand each hour new
can i even...?
i am looking down at an abyss
a sense of vertigo disrobes me
i am afraid to look.
how can i know that the world is real
how can i know that God exists
how can i be certain?
i cannot.
but i am.
i walk with eyes wide shut
stricken blind by absurdity

refresh refresh.
let me be
like flowers that grow through the gaps of broken glass
let me catch upon petal tips
the mist of water droplets from your spray can
a green plastic watering can that saves me seat in anna's garden
let me catch your words, your voice.
and perhaps, just perhaps
i'll float lazily back into the past
i'll be a child again
brimming with curiosity and unspoken wonder,

0. oOo

------------------------------------------------------
If you leave a comment on this post:
1. I'll respond with something random about you
2. I'll challenge you to try something
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you
4. I'll tell you something I like about you
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this [post] on your blog
------------------------------------------------------

yes i shall post this because i commented to this post on jesse's blog and she replied. (:

14. oOo

the world darkened yesterday.
lost its didacticism and pedagogic content
you can posit for two hours that time does not exist
that truths and facts of time periods
will be, are, and have always been as they are.
if so, there are no surprises.
only recollections.
reminiscence, perception, projection
and all things recede.
they fade into the distant past.
you can shut yourself in an ivory tower
and trudge on, by means of pure logic.
but humans are not beings of pure reason.
you can deny the existence of time.
but you cannot deny the pain
of unexpected events that occur in time.

if the force of gravity of our world was so huge
that one could not move upwards...only sideways
does that mean that vertical travel is therefore impossible?
if the force of time is so large
that one is forced to flow along its unilinear path
does that then mean that it is impossible then,
to reverse the direction of one's passage through it?

i bought a bouquet of roses to place on my bedroom table.
red roses mean love
yellow roses, separation.
my roses are orange.
a soft fragrance emanates from them
i'm sorry for all the time i've wasted
i'm sorry for all the opportunities i've let slip away.
i'm sorry for not cherishing the gift of life
the ability to eat and drink
the ability to walk on my own two feet
the ability to lift my hands
the ability to speak
the ability to have hopes and dreams
the ability to carry them out.
how many things have i taken for granted in my life?
to be able to step out of my house
to feel the sun and rain on my face
to have friends
to celebrate a birthday
to carry weights and expectations
to be able to create and destroy.
there are no lives not worth living.

but God,
still i do not understand
why do people have to suffer needless pain?
why do children die
why is it that some people can't have the chance to live
do we all have souls
do all dogs go to heaven
or have you privileged your children?

the end of the world is the end of a life.
maybe i'll see you in heaven
maybe then i'll understand...

0. oOo

when i am awake
i'm sometimes aware of the other worldly experience
of a dream
a sense of consciousness of an alternate reality
i lack when i dream.

this is the odd dream of a somnambulist

you exist in a world of strife and fighting
a world where people try to bring one another down

you jump into a new world
you are given the chance to start afresh
a new world
a new life

you have to choose
to continue to live in that fallen world
to fight against life in order to fight for it
or to let that world crumble and fall away
to leave a world that will not miss your wretched existence

you choose to take the leap
with the one you love you soar on wax wings towards the sun
two absolutely self-centred people on an undefiled haven.
is there ever a chance for escape from human nature?

a chilling sense of no-control pervades
take the jerky motions of a dead-alive as you cruise through life asleep
wake up while you're walking
only to find that nothing essential ever changes.

my dream harbors the illusory ghost
of unrelated memories
alien scenes like television footage
of the cataclysmic lashing out of nature on cities
tearing down the towers of babel
extensions of man's pride and supreme glory
washed away like dust.

little children with golden hair that framed their cherub faces
and long white gowns like angels.

a rainbow bridge to climb over unscathed

a velvet bed for a sweet tryst

traps and snares
rivers and lakes
being chased and hunted down

it's such an odd dream of a somnambulist
when am i asleep?
when do i wake?
where does reality lie?
in my consciousness of the present
or in my consciousness of the other...

0. oOo

like the gap between universals and particulars
in which invisible bonds hold that which are related
the existence of consciousness and free wills
leave a hanging cliff to evil that necessarily exists
beyond the realm of that which is good.

i walked the path of evil a very long time ago
a serpent, an apple, original sin.
i tread beyond the boundaries demarcating God's goodness
and fell off the cliff into the valley of evil and death

i have seen a thousand men try by their own strength and fail
to ascend the slippery slopes back to the garden of eden
bright morning stars glittering with the glory of pride
men doomed to fall.

like lost sheep we huddled
at the bottom of a valley unsure of what to make of life.
we bleated ourselves dry
but who was there to come and save us?

with one hand
He, on the most high could have scooped us all,
and lifted us from the miry ghettos of evil.
but He did not.

a man who does not learn how to discern good from evil
who does not know how to walk in God's way
cannot return to His garden.
for such a man shall surely teether past like a drunkard
the edge of the cliff
such a man shall surely fall to his death.

a shepherd comes to lead us back from whence we came.
to be a light upon my feet
to cover his protective hand over me
to be a rock for me to lean on
it's a winding road to walk
and it's always easier to fall down than to climb up

i trudge on
i slide backwards
i stumble and fall
but still i press on
in fear and trembling.

God is my fortress
He directs my path
He covers my iniquities
He forgives my trespasses
He builds me shelters in the wilderness
He rains manna down on me so that i do not go hungry

slowly but surely i climb up from the valley
i cannot transcend gravity
i cannot scale walls.
i can only walk through His sculpted steps.

0. oOo

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