2 Years Ago

Karson Michael Riggs was born on April 12^th 2008. The day he was born was one of the happiest days of our lives.  Shortly after he was born we knew something was wrong. He was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy on June 2^nd 2008. From that day forward we had to find our new “normal”.  Karson was a very happy little boy and we could see it in his beautiful eyes and  his quiet laugh (because it was hard to get enough air)he did have loud squeals though.   SMA brought different challenges to Karson.  He faced them with strength and perservance and never gave up. I can’t even count how many times he stopped breathing. He could have easily given up but he didn’t.One of the many lesson’s that Karson  taught us that true strength has nothing  to do with how strong your muscle’s are.  He fought so hard to be with us, so we fought hard for him.

  From the moment that Karson was diagnosed, we knew that our time with him  would be short. We always prayed that when he did pass that it wouldn’t be in a traumatic way and that he would tell us when it was time. On January 13^th 2011, Karson passed away in our arms.  I didn’t know if we were ever going to be happy again. Thank goodness for the knowledge and belief  that  this life is not the end and we will be with him again.

It’s two years later now and not a day goes by that we don’t think of him and miss him deeply. There are days that are filled with sadness but there are days of happiness too.  It’s not something you ever get over you just learn to deal with it. In October General Conference Elder Shayne M. Bowen gave a talk that was exactly how we feel. It’s “Because I Live, Ye shall live Also”. Even after 22 years he still feel’s like a piece of him is missing and he said he knows that won’t go away until he is with his son again.  I think people assume after a while you should be over it and that’s not how it is. It doesn’t mean that we don’t feel happiness  because we do. I prayed everyday Heavenly Father would take care of us and he has.

 This picture was taken on his blessing day. The next day he was diagnosed.

 We would try to have a little party every month for him because we didn't know if he would make it to his 1st birthday. He was three months here.

 This football that he has was given to him by one of his respiratory therapists (Denise Packard) at Primary Children's. He loved having his Daddy help him throw it.

 His last photo shoot with Jess. His 2year old pictures.

The 2 pictures above are of a letter that Hadley wrote to Karson to put in his casket. It says" Too Karson Brother I love you". Then the blanket was made by Jayme (Karson's Aunt) so we could keep him warm. She did it in one day. It couldn't have been more perfect for him.  Hadley has worried so much about him being cold and we just remind her that he has his cozy Toy Story blanket and it makes her feel better. 

Karson's flowers couldn't have been more perfect! Kristen (Karson's Aunt) did all of the Beautiful Flowers. I  let her decide how to do the flowers for his casket and it couldn't have been more perfect!

• If someone is reading this that knows one day they too will have to let their child go I want you to know that it’s going to be hard but you will be OK.

I don't know why it's been so hard for me to keep this blog updated. I promise I will be posting more. To be honest I haven't felt like doing anything for so long. We feel like were just starting to make some improvements since Karson has been gone. I don't like to admit that but it's the truth. I guess we kindof have isolated ourselves from others and really haven't felt like doing much. I've done the things that I've had to do but other than that not much. People have tried to give good advice and tell us to do this and that to make us better but until your ready it doesn't make a difference what anyone says.  It will be a year and a half on the 13th of this month since Karson left and I'm happy to say that I don't notice the 13th of every month. I have to be honest it still feels at times like it just happened but at the same time it feels like an eternity since we've seen him. I miss him more than anything but life still has to go on and so we are moving forward
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Hadley is doing good and that's proof that our prayers are answered. We worried about her and still do. I'm not saying she doesn't have her bad days but she is strong. Her faith in life after death is strong and that her brother is near and that she will be with him again keeps her going.

Darren on the other hand has had his struggles the last couple of months. The first week of May he developed  sores in his mouth like a bunch of cankers. It was so painful we ended up taking him to the E.R. it was just a virus. Don't ask how he got that but a few weeks after that he woke up with half of his face paralyzed (Bells Palsy). I guess when you have a virus and the immune system is weak Bells Palsy hits. It scared the you know what out of him. There is a chance that your face could stay that way. It paralyzed your throat and is very painful at times. It been like six weeks since it hit him and he's basicly back to normal. Then about a month ago he had a gallbladder attack and just worked his way through it at home but last Thursday he got so bad I ended up calling 911. They had to carry him out of the house he couldn't even walk. Now a week later I'm still sitting here in the hospital with him he is VERY sick. He has pancreatitis trust me you never want to have that. Normal Lipase levels for pancreas are between 50 to I think 300 he came in over 8000. He is just in horrible pain they've had him on a PCA pump (for pain) then they decidedd to take him off to transition to oral meds. That worked for a couple days and he was miserable. They just put the PCA back on so he's finally resting. It's really discouraging because he takes two steps forward and one back. You have  to be patient with pancreatitis and I'm not patient. Oh and he has a PICC line and is on TPN (the same thing Karson had). They were saying he'll go home with that but today they were talking about putting a feeding tube in NJ (tube from nose into the bowel). You can't even drink water when you have this. Who knows how long he will be here . They plan on eventually doing surgery to take the gallbladder out but he may go home first. Whoever reads this please pray for my poor husband.

Birthday's and a Baptism

April was a busy month for us. We celebrate 3 birthday’s in one week. Darren turned 33 on the 10th, Karson would have turned 4 on the 12th and Hadley turned 8 on the 16th. Hadley’s Birthday was extra special because she was able to get baptized. She was so excited!

Easter Sunday

Karson's Woody and Buzz wind chime

The Scripture on his headstone John 11:25 He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.

I am so Thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for the Atonement. Because of him we will be with Karson...Mosiah 15:8 And thus God breaketh the bands of death, having gained the victory over death; giving the Son power to make intercession for the children of men.

Then in verse 9 it talks about having broken the bands of death, taken upon himself their iniquity and transgressions. Without the Lord and all he has done I would not be worthy to be with him or my sweet boy again. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I have a strong testimony of it. I wish everyone could feel the way I do and know the things I know.

One Year Ago Today

It's been exactly One year today since we said goodbye to our little sweetheart. Oh how I miss my baby!!!!!! It seems so long since I held or kissed him. Today we remembered him by going to Primary Children's Hospital and seeing Dr. Swoboda and Abby. Abby had called and made arrangements for us to walk around PICU and see some of the rooms we spent months in . We also saw some of the people that took care of Karson. It was a good feeling to be there because that was such a big part of our lives.

All I can say is to be so thankful for your little kids.

Catching up

Hadley waiting for the bus on the 1st day of school.

You may think this is a weird picture to post but this was a HUGE deal for me to throw this away.

We went to the Zoo with Jayda (my friends daughter that's part of our family)

Hadley loves Jayda so much!

This is Jesse from Toy Story

Hadleys favorite toy that she got of karsons was his Jesse

We had to come visit his grave on Halloween and send him some balloons. Halloween was harder for me than I thought it would be. We had such a good time at trunk or treat last year with the kids.

We always go and see Grandpa Nay on Halloween.

Hadley is attached to her great G-pa

Our first date was on January 26,2002 and we've been together ever since.

Darren was in Oregon at the Goonies beach(you can see the rock in the back ground)

I love my boy!

I know I probably post the same pictures every year but oh well. One of the best day's of my life December 13th, 2002.

One of our traditions is to go to Temple Square every year.For those of you that don't know we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints. This is the Salt Lake Temple where Darren and I were married. It's Beautiful!

The Christus at Temple Square

2011 Christmas Tree

Hadley choking Hank on Christmas Eve

Christmas Day with her new baby boy and the real Jesse Hat

I have to brag about how handy Darren is. He built this doll bed for Hadley and he sewed everything for it but the blanket and it has a drawer that rolls under it.

I thought I better catch up before more time has passed. I don’t know why it’s been so hard for me to blog. Ever since Karson died I’ve had a hard time feeling like blogging or really doing anything for that matter. I know it would be therapeutic for me so I’ve decided to do better. I feel bad that I haven’t kept people updated on Hadley and what she’s been doing . I’ll be honest this last year has not been easy for any of us. Sometimes I feel that I should be doing better with my grieving than I am but all I can do is my best. I was proud of myself a couple of months ago I threw away his medications and some other things that I didn’t think I would ever get rid of. Things are up and down all the time but I assume that’s how are feelings will be until were with Karson again. I was reading the paper the other day about a family that lost their two little girls and the dad said “ we will never get over it but we will get through it”. I can understand that.

Hadley is such a blessing to us! She is so sweet and has so much compassion for other people especially people with disabilities. She constantly talks about Karson and how much she misses him. Tonight she was sitting in the bathtub and she said mom” if I had a wishbone from a turkey I would wish that Karson was alive and healthy”. I just reminded her that he is but he’s in Heaven. It’s been hard for her she’s suffered from alot of anxiety and some panick attacks but what do we expect with all that she has seen and been through. She definitely isn’t as care free as most children. She’s alway’s so worried if any of us get sick because she so scared of dying or that we’re going to die and even her dog. No child should have to worry about dying! She has been to counseling and she see’s her school counselor but I think what helps the best is her talking to us and of course her dog Hank. There were a few times we thought we made a mistake by getting him but he has helped her soooo much. She asked me if I thought that Karson was with her all the time and I told her that he’s with her a lot of the time but he’s serving a mission and teaching people the gospel then she asked me if he comes back to her after he’s done giving the lesson. She’s such a faithful little girl. We love her so much!