Runs with dog runs, again-- and Happy New Year!

I went for a run (35 mins) with Sunday (our puppy) and came home and took a few pix that you see above.

A short while ago I had a great breakfast: 1 cup of Kashi GoLean Crunch (190 cals) and 1/2 cup 2% milk.

This makes me think that I need a list of 'go to' healthy foods/ meals for each meal that are pretty much fail safe foods that work with the band, are healthy for me and will help me in the new year.  Not to mention foods that I would willingly grab.  That's why I am going to skip noting Greek yogurt on my list. I know it is a healthy food-- but even when I have it in the house, I don't immediately go for this food.

Also: This means getting further away from some of my 'go to's' that were OK for a 'learning bandster'-- but now I need to step it up!

So, I'll be working this list carefully-- the beginnings are here and I'll keep on adding and copy my list to bring it forward over the next few days- I'll take any suggestions:

Mid morning/ Breakfast:

1 cup Kashi GoLean Crunch w/ 1/2 cup milk

Mid afternoon/ Lunch:

Tinned smoked oysters

Home made tuna salad (with mayo)

Home made egg salad (with mayo)

Sliced deli turkey or ham w/ sliced cheese (roll up)

Fruit

Salad

Dinner/ Evening Meal:

??

Guacamole, salsa-- w/ roasted vegetables

*Note: dinner is super hit or miss for me-- I know this is an issue and I need to fix it!!

Evening Snack:

Not necessary- but what can I have that would add nutritional value if hungry in the evening and not do damage...

General 'go to's:

Zone protein bars

Grapefruit (halved and cut up to avoid the most fibrous pieces)

Do I need a word for 2012????

Seems like everyone has a 'word' for 2012, and I am tempted to join the club.
I think my word for 2012 will be 'Success."

How will I define success is a larger question.

My whole life isn't about my weight or weight loss. While I haven't gotten to where I want to be (yet)- and I am fearful of gaining weight back, and not quite as fearful, but fearful still of remaining stuck at this weight range 'forever'... (isn't that a funny dichotomy-- I am more afraid to gain than I am afraid that I won't lose more weight?)... I am not stuck on only losing weight.

My life has much more to it than my weight.

The key 'spheres' that I think are relevant are:
Family/ Friends
Home
Car*eer/ Work

In order to experience 'success'- there are certain things that are beyond my control and others that I can control:
As for Family: I want everyone to be healthy (which I can contribute to but can't control) and happy (which I can contribute to but can't control.)  I want to enjoy my life with all of those people I love and care for (which I can contribute to but can't control.)
As for Home: I want things to be peaceful (which I can contribute to but can't control) and happy (which I can contribute to but can't control.)  I'd also like things in good order-- and I certainly can't control this myself, even if I try really hard because I live with 2 other people (one who is under 8 years old!)
As for C/Wt: I'd like to be satisfied where I am while still seeking my next steps. THIS, I can and am working on controlling.

Which brings me round to 'success' again-- NOT such a good word after all.
Success has a lot to do with judgment and control.
These things are not really very good for me. I am an overachiever perfectionist and the irony of these personality traits is that I will drop out of something or get angry if I see no way to do it 'perfectly.'  I am prone to feeling 'judged' by others-- perhaps when they are not even judging me.  This also comes from a profoundly screwy sense of guilt, which I am gradually throwing off as I mature.  I am NOT responsible for everything!

If I were looking for the essential root of strife in my life-- I'd say it is right in the paragraph I just wrote.  Internal pressure to control things I cannot control, desire to do things without a mess/ perfectly etc.  Not entirely realistic.
And: a very good metaphor for my weight loss trajectory.
You know: it hasn't been perfect, but I am a hell of a lot better than where I started almost 2 years ago.

Perhaps I need to go back to "Acceptance"-- which may or may not have been my word for 2011-- but THAT's the word I'm going to choose.  Acceptance is not the same as complacency-- it is quite different.  Looking at it from the "AA" prayer-- Acceptance is understanding the difference between things you can change and things you cannot change and having the wisdom to know the difference.
Then, once you have the wisdom, keeping the commitment to making changes and getting back on the wagon if you fall off.
It's the life path for me, and the one that always bubble back up when I lose my way.

Acceptance it is.

God give me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting good and bad experiences alike as the pathway to peace.  Taking this world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that my acceptance, courage and widsom will make things right for me in this life.

161.4 and still truckin'

So: I got on the scale this morning and I am at 161.4.
I am especially pleased to tell you that I was at 169.2 last year on this very day.
If you'd like to read my post from that day, click here , but I didn't note my weight.
I did, however, suggest some posts for 2011.

By the 31st of December, I was down to 166.8 and then I eventually got lower.  (If you look at my sidebar, which I just did, the specifics are there.)

My all time lowest weight in 2011, after a bout of very bad tightness that WAS NOT worth it (!) was 155.9 in June 2011-- and I really can't say that was anything but dehydration.
But if I were to get similarly dehydrated at this moment, losing about 4 pounds or so, I'd be higher now, around 157ish-- and that is actually where I've had the gain from and to where I am .

Not sure if this is making sense, but the bottom line is that my all time lowest weight range was 157ish... and now I am in the 161ish range.  An admitted 4 pound gain that I believe I put on when I got a big unfill in September and stayed that way for about 4 weeks-- with a pound a week gain, more or less.

Since then, I've been trying to take it off-- including back and forths a few times for fills.
This actually resulted in my weight swinging even HIGHER to the highest I saw, around 164ish (maybe I even saw 165 one day.)
I went for my last fill shortly before I left for my trip to Jamaica-- and that helped me get back into this zone: 161ish.

So, that's where I live now-- for this moment.
I'm actually pretty confident that giving up the sweets for 'streaks', along with regular walks with my dog (really helps!!) and mindfulness-- I am at this weight right now.

And if I can continue along this way-- Gen, shout to you-- finding a MODERATE way to occasionally enjoy a planned sweet (Also a shout out to Caron-- At Goal Weight Watcher who is awesome and plans a piece of pie a week in advance!!) -- I think I can get myself further down the scale.

I don't want to give up my dreams of reaching the 130's ever again-- but I just know that I am focusing my energies on getting back to the 150's at the moment.

I'll tell ya something else.  The elimination of sweets is a good thing in that I pretty much will allow myself to eat anything else I want to eat (moderately, not pigging out-- but thanks to the band, I can't really stuff my face at any time!!)  I eat olives, I had saurkraut with dinner, these are salty things that I won't give up... and don't have to b/c I can count on having some of the 'bloat' thrown off by eliminating quite a bit of sugar in desserts and unplanned extras (especially this time of year, where people give chocolates for gifts (gah!!) and there are cakes and cookies all around.

My intention is to hold off on sweets until New Year's eve-- and then plan in some really delicious treat for after dinner.
Our family tradition is that we STAY HOME and cook or bring something great in on New Year's.  It is safer, less expensive, and far less annoying.  I hate hype.
So: perhaps since our little one will be with us, maybe we will bake a special cake or cookies (from scratch?) as a New Year's activity.  And I will eat the cookies or cake and savor them and enjoy and then MOVE ON.

The further plan will be to avoid sweets for a week past New Year's and then see how I feel.

OMG-- too long since last post!

I guess I fell into the holiday doldrums with the posting-- but I am BAh-ck!
I have to admit that I haven't been on the scale for a few days (maybe 4?)... but will get up the nerve any day now.
I hate NOT weighing in daily, because that first time back on the scale is the hardest.

My eating has been on the off end of things, and my band has been on the looser side to boot.  Nevertheless, with 'today is the first day of the rest of my life' in mind-- I am doing my best to be 'mindful.'  I'll tell ya'-- just a little attention to detail REALLY works.
That, and logging my food. Just knowing I had to write it made a difference.

Today I ate:
coffee /2% milk  60
protein bar-- 200
1 medium grapefruit- 70 (I didn't eat everything)
1/2 cup of 16 bean homemade soup (slow cookers rock!)-- 200
1 individual bag of pirate's booty cheese curls-- 150
9/10th of beef brotwurst-- 260
saurkraut/ 1tsp ketchup-- 20
1.5 oz cheddar cheese- 160
red wine-- 200
~1300 calories

So far, I've avoided sweets for the day (I don't count protein bars or red wine as sweets as these are not 'binge' foods for me at all.)

Trouble is, one of my work colleagues gave me chocolate truffles for a gift-- I brought them home for my son / husband... and am was considering having 1.
Shout out to Lap Band Gal: they are Harry and David chocolate truffles!

Anyway: it says that 2 are about 220 calories, so one chocolate would be 110 calories-- not sure whether I care to have it or if it is worth it.  If I were to have it, I would have ONE and enjoy / savor it.  But I am thinking nope-- how about a nice rich espresso with my lovely Nesp*resso machine instead?
I'll report back tomorrow.
Decision right below!

oh- and as far as resolutions for the New Year: I don't like 'em-- but I am 'resolved' to try to avoid sweets in general-- and to go for 'streaks of free of sweets.'  The first day is the hardest, right?
So I am not sure if this is the first day, or if tomorrow will be the first day of the latest 'no sweets streak.'

YES, it is hard.

Update: I decided NOT to go for the chocolate-- instead, having the nice espresso! And feeling hella righteous instead.
This blogging works for accountability. Thanks to all of my friends out there who may be reading, even judging, I am happy about my good choice.

Just to tell you... I had some chocolate

Eh... but back on the wagon (so to speak ) tomorrow.
It wasn't an emotional eating binge- but I would characterize it as some frustration eating that I couldn't eat my dinner... too tight.

Back in the saddle tomorrow as I said above. Progress, not perfection, as they say.
Let me go for 7 days after today since today was day 6.

Remind me to tell you all about how I didn't succumb to emotional eating

I am too damn busy to do it right now-- am weight: 161.5.
Still hanging on to the no sweets rule- and wanted cake, cookies or candy SO BADLY after an argument with my husband last night.  But: I just said no.
It wasn't easy, but I did it.

Thanks, Lap Band Girl-- I remembered your banner on your site: "If hunger is not the problem, then eating isn't the solution."
So I had a few sips of water and went to bed instead.

Now hubs and I are made up and I didn't eat sweets for a temporary 'hit' to feel better.
YAY ME!!

Still going strong!

It's working out well-- easier than I ever would have dreamed once getting over day 1 of operation no sweets.
Weight this am: 161.9.

I finally threw off some water weight and believe that this may be my 'accurate' weight at the moment, but I am going to leave my ticker as is for the mo'.
It is pretty darn close.

Anyway: I am bound and determined to get back into the 150's ASAP- and I feel like maybe I've found a new magic bullet.
Here is the short form of what I'm doing:
-Eating as healthy as possible, but not particularly restricting any type of food if I want it
-No desserts, no sweets with the one exception of protein bars, one per day as a meal replacement or snack

THAT'S ALL.
But I think I may see that this is going to save more calories than I might have imagined-- can I hope for a several pound loss over the next few weeks... we will see.

If nothing else, I feel less bloated, less crave-y, and less guilty!! YAY!

Operations no sweets- day 2

Success!
I felt a little sad and deprived that I couldn't have some chocolate in the middle of the afternoon yesterday... but I kept at it.
Surprisingly, I did not crave dessert last evening.

I am waiting to see whether I saving those dessert/ sweets calories makes a meaningful difference- so far, the scale is the same. But I realize that a savings of perhaps 400 calories over the last 2 days doesn't come close to a pound. It is going to take a week or two in order to see whether this change is working.

Note on this experiment:
I am doing my best to eat healthily, but am not deliberately restricting myself from any foods (other than sweets) right now-- that is my best effort to focus on the biggest calorie issue that I think I'm facing.

Let's see what happens...

No sweets streak...

Thanks for the suggestions and comments on what to eat-- since I can't write (and have been too busy to anyway) at PIG for fear of stupid internet monitoring blah blah-- I have been posting less. That blows.
And, I've been posting less because I feel less successful in the weight loss arena these days.

I am still retaining water from my trip, and from the fact that I keep eating salty food (olives are the devil) -- so my weight is still hovering between 162 and 164.
I am REALLY now trying to limit the olives and other salty stuff, because I don't like those numbers and am pretty hell bent on bringing them down and because my rings are tight-- indicating the water retention.

AND: I continue to work on turning this whole shebang around.

I am listening to what many of you, and most recently, Miss Gen the Fabulous and missed in blogworld, told me: trying to go 'cold turkey' on the sweets.
They are my biggest vice.  There was a time in our illustrious blog world (about a year or so ago) when there was a major brew-ha-ha and arguing amongst weight loss community about the 'privilege' of weight loss surgery and how those of us who have had it should not waste this precious gift.  Wasting the gift would definitely include eating sweets (even on occasion, and I wish I could say that I was eating sweets on occasion, but if I am to be perfectly honest-- I am eating sweets every day.  This is really not a wise decision, and I KNOW IT.)

Back to the weight loss surgery police:
How dare anyone who had weight loss surgery ever consider enjoying a fattening meal again? After all: YOU'VE had WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY-- so that means several things:
A. You should suddenly be cured of every bit of food michigas (mish-ih-gas, pronunciation for the non-Yiddish speakers-- this word means 'craziness') we ever had before the surgery, just because we came out of anesthesia alive and on the other side
B. YOU should be newly able to recognize and deal with emotional eating and make it go away FOREVAH!
C. YOU should have perfect new eating habits and stick to them for all time.
etc etc.
I'm already too bored to list out all the redonkulous nonsense bullshit that was thrown around about expectations of weight loss surgery patients post op.

The truth is, I am the same fucked up character as before. Le sigh.
I'm afraid that I haven't made much progress (this is a terrible admission, but I'm afraid to say that it is true.)  It doesn't mean I won't keep trying.
However:
I'm fairly certain that if I lost my band, I'd gain all the weight back-- I am now as sure of that as of anything, especially with all of my struggles and the luster of my shiny new band all gone.

What am I left with?
Myself.
My band, a tool I can use and one that most definitely HELPS, but isn't the cureall.
And a need to improve my eating habits to get to the next level.
And a need to improve my eating habits because I should.
And a need to improve my eating habits because I imagine that I may be at a good fill level-- perhaps not perfectly in the green zone of NO hunger and NO cravings, but enough in the green zone that if I exert an effort, I can keep myself in check. (Don't know for sure, but am not anxious to get another fill.)
Sigh.

I know I am running on.
I am not even sure what I am trying to say so I am looking back at my title to tell you that I am going to try this 'no sweets' thing as a 'keep it simple stupid' method.

I can keep everything else straight in my mind, keep myself pretty occupied and avoid snacking-- try to err on the healthier choices side... and if I give up my sweets habit, I may just find that that 1400 calories per week-- I'm considering 200 calories per day for chocolate or graham crackers (or more) that I've been wasting on those (yummy) sugary (unnecessary, addictive) things I like and eat habitually will be my answer to the next step.

We went out to dinner last night and I did something else: I didn't order a drink. I did have a bit of wine (maybe a quarter cup, seriously-- I fell asleep and didn't finish the glass of wine hubs poured for me!...)
So, the skipped drink was a good idea because it saved me those calories as well...

Here's what I ate yesterday:
coffee/ milk
Breakfast-1 egg with chopped up brocolini (about a quarter cup)
Lunch-1 Amy's organic Spinach pocket
1 Zone perfect protein bar*
'Snack'- coffee/ milk
Dinner (out at local steakhouse)-
1 Mozzarella stick
Turkey w/ gravy and mashed potatoes (had maybe 3 oz turkey, 1/2 cup mashed pototatoes, 1 tbs cranberry sauce)
Wine (as above)

Assessment:
The volume of food is OK.  I was w-o-rking from home yesterday, so I struggled with some desire to eat out of boredom in the afternoon- that's why I had the coffee.
Operation "NO SWEETS" was in effect and I was successful for 1 day-- YAY, now I am going for day 2-- the * above is to denote that one might consider a Zone bar a 'sweet' but I use them for protein-- and they are NEVER a binge-y food.
So they are the only 'sweet' (technicality) allowed.

I'm going to go look for a count-up ticker on OPERATION NO SWEETS now.
Ciao.

Food suggestions???

I didn't want to bury the lead, so here is my question for bandsters and non-bandster's alike as I explore my eating habits and look for changes I ought to make...

I'm asking for a repeat of the good old-- WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

"How would you characterize  a really good eating day-- what foods do you eat, what approximate quantities and when are you eating?

Do you deliberately wait to eat until a certain time?

Do you deliberately / intentionally STOP eating at a certain time?

Are there foods you most definitely avoid? If so, why?

Please answer!  I'll try to answer later-- but suffice it to say that I'm looking for suggestions and if I knew the right answers to everything, I'd just give them up.

I heard y'all with your advice about eating more solid proteins during the day.  I don't mean to be dumb-- but can you give me some suggestions of things YOU eat for solid proteins during the day?

I think my thinking on these things is a bit screwy.

Here's the deal: I still opt for mushier things, because they are just easier.  For example, are beans considered a solid protein? I love me some straight up kidney beans or chickpeas-- I mean the canned kind, but no dressing is necessary.

Of course, I know that chicken and steak are solid proteins-- but I find these to be more challenging to eat-- though I love me some fish. Is fish a solid protein?

Alright:
Dun, dun duh: got on the scale this morning and it was 163.5.
Argh!!!!

OK, so what I forgot is that I returned home right in the 'pre-period'  hormonal weight drop... which is now being followed by the expected hormonal weight gain (usually 2-3 pounds) of getting my period as my hormones shift around.  In other words-- I am not going to be exactly sure where my weight is settling for about a week.
I'm not going to freak out-- I know from my clothes that I am essentially exactly where I've been:
At a place that is better than where I started, but a long stopping place/ plateau and and a place that I want to move on from and lose more weight!

My best bet is be to take my daily weights, continue to eat as carefully as possible and see how it all settles down this week.
In the meantime: I'm taking one day at a time and eliminating 'extras' whenever and whereever I can-- a good strategy right?  I often have 1 drink per day, and I am glad to say that yesterday I skipped the drink! A savings of several hundred calories...

Perhaps I might need to see a nutritionist to help me out with next steps? Not sure... I'm willing to take suggestions and basically know my nutrition very well, but am getting a little mixed up with my band situation.
Well, I'll await your answers and keep taking a problem solving approach to my next steps.

One final reminder to myself: 'tis the season where most people PUT ON 5 pounds' and I certainly don't need that to happen... I'll be avoiding office cakes and pies etc. Bleh!
And, though I do love a glass of wine or a cocktail, perhaps I will try to keep those more limited and see how it all turns out.... we shall see.
The trouble is my conflict between 'life is for living/ enjoy' and 'what's the big deal-- just shun the cocktail!'  Eh.

Gotta take a shower... and get ready for the PIG.

I got on the scale... 162.4

So, I got on the scale yesterday and was at 162.4.
I'm waiting for the dust to settle on water retention from the flight and the trip-- and didn't do myself a big favor by having a dirty martini with dinner last night-- but hey.

I was at 161.ish (I don't have my weight diary right in front of me) before I left, so I will take this as a victory.  I would be really worried if I had seen a number over 163... but a pound or two is water retention in my book.

Now, the work comes in of making my new fill level my good friend.
Right now, I would say I am on the looser end of things-- but definitely have restriction and some appetite control.

Ideally: I would like to stay right where I am at this adjustment and take it for a good ride.
Of course: If I find that I am putting on any weight, back to the doctor's office I will go.

On the other hand, if I find myself continuing to be stuck at this weight-- I am not planning to run in for a fill right away.  I think that has been my mistake in the past several months, and has resulted in the circular pattern of fill-too tight-frustration, a bit of weight loss-unfill-regain etc.
I need to give myself at least 8 to 12 weeks (as long as I'm hovering in the same weight) to see what I can do using my band as my tool to help me.

That means observing what I'm eating, trying to break through habits that aren't helpful and getting to a new place.  Adding exercise whenever I can do it.

I will go back to basics as much as possible-- review my following of the rules of the band etc etc.
I plan to take a student's approach to the next phase.
Trying things out to see if anything flies, this instead of just going in for an adjustment (as I said, provided that I am not GAINING weight.)

Here was the first experiment:
I decided to take the FULL pill of phentermine yesterday and WHEW, that shit is serious.  I felt really jacked up, but I didn't find that it completely took my hunger away.  And where it really failed me was that I ate a bunch of calories in the evening-- just as I would have typically done without the diet pill.
This in the context of feeling revved up and kind of icky.  I am doubting the phen is for me... check this out.
Here is my honest account of what I ate yesterday:

Wake up:
Coffee
On way to work:
Small Dunkin Donuts latte with whole milk (150)
Mid morning:
Homemade smoothie w/ 1/2 2% fage greek yogurt, diced peaches, peanut butter powder (200)
Mid afternoon:
1 protein bar (190)
HOME FROM WORK, after 7pm:
Dinner
1/3 cup homemade bolognese sauce (250)
1 oz cheddar cheese (120)
pirates' booty cheese curls (two large handfuls) (200)
1 dirty martini (olive brine, no olives) (200)
Dessert
1 whole graham cracker sheet (120 cals)
2 ghiradelli chocolate squares ((120 cals)

That's around 1550 calories-- I tried to be generous in my estimates because it is written all over that people generally UNDER estimate their calorie intake.
Nearly 1000 calories AFTER 7pm. Not a good result.
Now, really: that calorie count is just depressing on a day when I took a diet pill.

Makes me think the phentermine may really NOT be worth it-- we shall see. Today I am going to do without it... I am actually feeling 'hungover' in the sense of feeling headachy and slightly tense even upon waking up this morning.
So that's not terribly worth it either.
Hmmmm.

I also know that, as per usual: I took in the bulk of my calories upon returning home from work-- after 7pm.
Argh.
I refuse to be mean to myself--but is it ok to be frustrated with a habitual pattern that is not helping me and wanting to change that pattern. (Yes, it is OK!)

Clearly: there's a lot I can do to improve- but the first step is to acknowledge and then plan ahead.  While I'm at it, I realize that there are no fruits and veggies in this day! Obviously, my best bet for a midday meal is a salad, which works well for me at this fill level-- either that or some roasted vegetables... I just need to plan that into my days better.

Today is a weird day in that I have a b-o-ard mtg that is far from home and spans 'dinner time'- this is a quarterly meeting that goes from 4 to 8 pm and dinner is served... before that, just a typical day at work.
The most important things to do are:
1) Pack a protein bar in the car in case I am unsatisfied with dinner and am hungry on the way home
2) Commit to NO snacking once home tonight (I will get home around 9pm.)

The rest of the day shouldn't be bad-- I typically eat minimally at work, am busy and too wound up to eat... and dinner is my tightest time, so if I avoid the desserts served tonight, I will nibble on dinner (worst place to get stuck is at a mtg like that, ugh!!) and keep my calories down.

I'll report back.. much work to be done to continue down the scale!
Keep watching....

I'm ba-ah-ah-ck! Jamaica rocked! And a non-conclusive comparison shot at the end of the post...

Jamaica was amazing-- great trip.

Haven't gotten on the scale yet, but tried on my clothes, and don't think I did any MAJOR damage.  I indulged, but tried also to be careful and mindful of the fact that I was coming back to my beloved scale...

My adorable little monkey and me

Not the most flattering shot ever... but: pre-band weight loss, you wouldn't have caught me dead posing for a picture like this and being more or less satisfied with the results. What a crap angle!!

The picture on the left (longer shot) is from March/ April 2011 and the one on the right (shorter shot of my torso) is from this vacation.

I see no real difference... the weight loss from April 2011 to now is not very large-- maybe 5 pounds (because of all of my bouncing up and down of late, especially.) But I'll take a slight NSV that I look about the same... can't say I would have maintained a weight loss of 40 pounds over the course of 9 months pre-band.

Viva la band difference!!

More later or tomorrow on band eating on vacation... 

Tired..... going on vacay

Sorry I am SOOOOOO boring these days.
Good news: the band is much better, much looser-- hunger control is there.

Bad news: I've been so wound up in PIG stuff, my eating choices have been weird and salty. So my weight today is at 162-- but I know that eating olives with dinner isn't helping that action at all.

I am pretty certain that after I get back from vacation, I will be able to buckle myself down and pull off the water weight-- suspecting that I am at 159ish right now, and I'm not playing with myself.  I just haven't been eating enough to continue to maintain the same weight: but I have eaten olives (as I said above) 2 times in 2 days, and I don't throw off water like I used to.

Leaving for vacation for a week in just 2 short sleeps (yay!!) and I anticipate that while there will be a lot of food there, I'll be able to be in control thx to the band.  I am not going to expect myself to lose weight while there, just maintaining will be fine and then I can really and truly get myself organized on a good plan when I get home.
That is because I can eat the right foods again!

Yipee.
As I said, I am pretty boring right now. Ah: here is a zinger for you-- I've been courted by a hospital in Du*bai for a pretty major position.  This is a crazy long shot, and I'm actually just putting it out there for all to see b/c it's a free country, who is really looking, and so what-- people are constantly contacted by recruiters.
Very interesting stuff ... and unlikely but can you imagine... Du*bai??? That's all for now...

Could it, would it, maybe possibly be... the green zone???

O.M.G.
This unfill really worked terrifically well-- and I've wound up in a place where I am not very hungry or cravey at all-- and I can eat solid food and drink just fine as well.
Hallelujah! Have I reached my sweet spot?
Well, I will take one day at a time..and I am being so careful not to overdo it, not to irritate myself... but today was rather perfection.

Coffee/ milk -early morning
1 egg (I actually made 1 egg and 1 egg white, but estimate I ate 1 egg, next time, I'll just make 1 egg and be done with it)
Protein shake- mid morning
Protein bar- afternoon
Tea/ Water during the day
Japanese food for dinner-- some spicy tuna tar tar, a few pieces of rolls that were primarily fish...
Glass of plum wine
and still awaiting a graham cracker with a Ghiradelli chocolate square

The end.
So happy to be more comfortable again!!!
Weight loss next, I hope.

A good decision

I went in for an unfill of .3 cc's yesterday.
I feel a lot better already.  I discussed the situation with my husband who said, 'you're too tight' if eating is such a challenge!! And then I went in and did it.

It was hard to put myself and this need first...but I did, I had to go in the middle of my PIG day-- but too bad, it was urgent.

Strangely enough, my hunger remains very managed... and I don't feel binge-y or food searchy.  What I do feel is that I want to be be super careful to prevent any swelling from being ongoing so my trip to Jamaica will be a good one.  I want to eat healthy and right.

For the moment, I am sticking to liquids and mushies and want to keep things low calorie as possible...need to figure out what to eat today.
Probably a Fage yogurt for breakfast at mid-morning, and then perhaps a protein bar-- maybe some fruit.... It's dinner that is typically confusing and unplanned.  Need to take care of that as well.

I also discussed the whole 'lap band failure' notion with Gaspar-- and asked him whether he felt that I was a failure.  He assured me that he did NOT think I was failing, but that we were just looking for the right level of fill for me.  Clearly, I'm sensitive to small changes in my band and I have been back and forth a lot recently- but I think that is about my commitment (maybe some impatience too?) to losing weight and not being stuck where I am .

Perhaps I am looking for magic the band cannot give me? I don't know...
But the other interesting thing is that I mentioned that one of my blog friends (Jacquie-- hi!) had mentioned that she had a similar experience of difficulty managing a fill level at the RIGHT level.. and how she went to the VSG.
DISCLAIMER: this is just Gaspar's opinion for ME-- but here is what he said:
"You are doing fine with the band, you're a success! We just need to get you to that goal that you want to be at and we actually have VSG patients coming in to be banded! Don't worry, you're doing the right thing." He also said, when locating my port: "You are skinny, Stevie Wonder could find your port!"

Hmmmm.
Well-- the point is that you have to find what is right for you, but I was surprised to hear that some VSG patients get bands???   News to me.

Back to my plan:
I'm going to take 7.3 cc's out for a ride (make sure I am comfortable, and have a great time in Jamaica)-- and then I can return to the office if I need a SLIGHT fill upon my return.  We are talking like .15 cc's... but I have a slight hope that the current fill may be right.
Wish me luck on this.

Jamaica, here I come!

Doing better/ being careful

Not much to say, other than: doing better, being careful.
I don't think I'm too tight-- I think I just need better band habits... that's all.

I'm looking forward to getting through the upcoming week-- we have a big week at my PIG and then I'll be going to Jamaica (ya mon!) for a week.
Can't hardly wait for the trip.

Jacquie: thanks for the concern, I've thought a lot about what you said-- but I think that our situations are different.  I can tolerate having fluid in my band, I never 'swell up" with fluid after a fill... it is a matter of learning the right way to manage the right restriction.  And of course, finding the right level of restriction and settling there for a while.
I think that I am contributing by going back and forth again to try to get it right... but I am going to try at this level, since I can eat solids, just have to go super slow.
I will keep everything you've been through in mind-- but right now, I'm committed to my band lifestyle and working it out.
Again, thanks for the feedback!!

And staying down... but tight. Ugh. NOT AGAIN, please.

160.8 this morning.
159.6 post exercise.  YES, I know this is cheating, but it is just so good to see the 150's again. Quite motivating... all you exercisers out there: FINE, you win.
Whatever.

But tight all day yesterday.
This has been a stressful week-- something I'd hoped for turned out to be a major disappointment-- and that must have been a doozy on my band.

I suppose feeling tight on Thanksgiving (Happy Thanksgiving to my friends who celebrate the holiday) is probably a blessing.. but still. Ugh.  I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK FOR AN UNFILL.

I'm not nearly there, yet, could be just a bad day-- and if I am careful, I CAN turn this around.
Right now, I am cautiously sipping a home-made latte.

I think there are some keys to my issues, and I really think a lot of them are about me and being confused about eating and choosing the wrong foods and stuff.
For now, I need to treat myself like I am on day 2.5 or 3 right after a fill-- the mushiest, creamiest foods and small, tentative portions.
And I've got to keep remembering that.

It really has been super confusing with being very loose and being able to eat bread and rice and stuff that really doesn't typically work when I am adjusted correctly... and I have to back track off of all of those bad 'habits' that actually put weight on me as well.

I guess if I made a list of 'go to' foods FOR NOW, it would certainly help me.
For now, here are some simple ones:
Coffee/ lattes (latte to get milk protein)
Hummus
Cheese
Avocado
Yogurt
Yogurt smoothie drinks (homemade with blended fruit, yum)
Tuna or egg salad, pate consistency (best made at home to manage the mayonnaise)
Applesauce
Mashed yams (don't eat these much, but they are healthy and filled with vitamins and a good consistency)
Protein bars
Vegetable soups
Creamed spinach (homemade)
Wine/ Alcohol (1 drink per day)

The above is not a permanent list, but it is a good 'go to' for me whilst I am being uber-careful to baby my band.
Things that I will add back soon are all those great solid proteins that are worth eating:
Fish (grilled, broiled, sauteed)
Chicken or Turkey (dark meat is best)
Highly toasted whole grain bread/ fiber bread

Fortunately for me, we are going to my husband's parents' home for T-giving and they are not gorgers. In fact, I always complain that I leave there hungry! They are very proper and formal-- and they serve you a plate of food... they put out some family style dishes, but it is just not your 'gorging' Thanksgiving at all.  It will be nice and cozy-- but truth be told, it is always a bit disappointing to me to not have a food blowout on Thanksgiving.
I am not even sure what I expect-- we've never been one of those families that puts together this insane buffet of food with yams and marshmellows (spelling?) and a Turducken and fried chicken and lord knows what else.  19 pies out... etc.

Do you have a Turkey day like that?  I have never had anything nearly like it.
But I still managed to get myself overweight over the years-- because I have a love of food, and you've got to know that from just reading this blog!

Glad to report that I am halfway through my nice latte as I write this blog, and no worries, it is going down comfortably and nicely-- and that is ALL I need to feel comfortable that I'm not getting into any trouble with tightness.
I am too tired to explain, but suffice it to say that my rule is that if I can drink, I am good.

The trick is to favor warm, easy to swallow beverages and soups-- tiny bites of solids, and get myself out of the tightly bound zone that has come up from a few mistakes of trying to eat bread or eat too fast.

What a mess I am !

But I am determined mess, so off I go.

It's going DOWN!

Glad to say this fill has gotten me to a much more cautious place, and probably taken care of much of my hunger too!!
I took no phentermine yesterday-- I will see how it goes, as I keep saying, I'd rather NOT take it if I can avoid it- but I am determined to get more weight off.
This AM: 160.9 and I know it is no fluke.  My weight is DEFINITELY going down... and I am getting on the success path once again.
It's easier to eat a whole lot less, and a new project for myself is to try to eat more things (variety) but just tinier bites.
If I am careful and do it when I am not starvingly hungry-- I can do OK. I am not perfect at it, but it would be my goal to have the most wide variety of food at my disposal-- just eaten carefully and healthily.

I can also feel my clothes loosening up-- I am SO sensitive to the slightest gain, so the fact that maybe 2 of the 4 pounds are gone is making a HUGE difference in my clothing comfort.

Next steps will be to get my suits so loose that this time around I just give them away and start over with NEW suits (and maybe a new PIG to go with them, I hope) in smaller sizes.

Let me repeat y'all: GET RID OF ANY AND ALL OF YOUR FAT CLOTHES.
Relegate sweatpants to working out and pajamas and convince yourself that if you're wearing sweats out of the house (if you've given up that habit) -- you're giving up control.

This is truly what helped me (painfully) get back onto the track-- it was fear of having absolutely NO clothes to wear out of the house.  Feeling like the only thing I felt comfortable in was sweats.  NO THANKS.  It is a powerful motivator to realize that you cannot feel comfortable in clothes that fit you well just a few weeks before, and for those of us with a band and the ability to go back and get more help from the doc- it is worth 'risking' the decision to go for broke and get rid of your 'fat clothes.'

Today I have a me*et(ing (actually the 3rd of its type) at a place I'd really like to go... it is making me testy, nervous, excited, scared, and every emotion you can name.  I don't want to be desperate-- but each time I can hear the proverbial jailor jangling the keys to my jail cell-- it is both an exciting feeling, but also a dreadful feeling.  Not sure if anyone can relate, but the dread comes from knowing that the keys may not be a good 'fit' and that I'll need to remain in my cell.

The thing is, I have made myself somewhat comfortable in my current PIG (the cell)-- but I really hate it fundamentally.  What I've learned of the overarching org-an-ization is that I hate that too and I cannot stand the b-practices and see why there are such problems... but I do believe that good w*rk is meant to be done. There's just so much bullshit. Ugh. I hate the world of w**k.

Good news is, I feel that I have my pick of my suits, as everything is fitting well again... here's to continued weight loss success and my eventual escape from my cell.

I did my exercise. Are you happy now? Ha ha.

OK, I got so much encouragement to do my exercise (from Gen and others,) I decided to move my ass onto the treadmill -- did 4 miles over an hour (running and walking.)  I would say it was a moderate workout, I was sweating and pushing myself at times, it was just right.
Not too over the top.

Now, if I could only build some consistency.
I'll tell you, that calorie burn meter is so enticing- it said I burned over 400 calories during that workout. Sheesh.

Well: I'll keep on trucking, I am VERY determined right now. Thanks for all of the ongoing encouragement, it means so much-- I want to show that it can be done, even if you have a little set back or a long plateau or HI! both, like me.

Now that's annoying...

Got on the scale this morning, and unrealistic me, I expected to weigh 125. Ha ha.

Just kidding-- but I was hoping to see my weight dialed back to 160ish-- instead, I was greeted with 162.1.
WTF? Grrrr.

I know, I know-- I've got to be patient and when I am on liquids, I eat canned soup and canned soup is salty and so I'm retaining water.  My CLOTHES, which are always a great clincher for how I'm really doing, are beginning to feel slightly looser.  Remember: I only had the fill and the rx for phentermine given to me on Thursday-- first day of phen was Friday, and I only took HALF of a half of a pill yesterday.

So here is my verdict on half a pill of phen: I don't think it is worth it... I can always try it again, but I don't think I felt the same appetite suppression-- and I really want and need that right now to be sure to be babying my band, eating right, and eating less.

I am suddenly feeling SO FRIGGIN impatient to lose weight.  Like I suddenly woke up after a long reverie and am looking around saying: this is NOT OK.  I do not want to stay at this weight, I want to lose more.
This is not about looks-- because I am one of those people who always thinks I look pretty good. I've got that 'reverse body dysmorphia' thing going.  I look hot now and did look pretty good with 40 pounds more too (at least in my damaged brain!)

That said: I had this surgery and committed myself to a lifetime of weight control under a physician's supervision due to the fact that I don't trust myself alone.  I have an illness, and while I hate to admit it, that illness is called obesity.  Even now that I am 'thinner'-- I am still obese inside.  That's a tough one to fathom, but I have to know it is true.

So, I am not 'obese' by the scales-- but I am still overweight, and I am feeling pretty desperate (just being honest, ok?) to get out of the overweight range and into that totally arbitrary 'normal' range.  That's another 15ish pounds away, depending on the day of my bouncy weight. Argh.

All of the above note, I decide to start the day with some mushy protein (cooked barley, chicken, onions, garlic, corn and bacon in the slow cooker - with chicken stock and red wine overnight) then coffee, and then 17.5 mg of the phentermine.  I struggled a bit with the decision to take it, because I kind of DON'T want to, but I want to get to the success point where I see some movement down that scale.

I am not into starving myself, but I would like to take hunger off the table and just exist without thinking much of food at all.  I know I am all over the place, this is a stream of consciousness entry if I ever wrote one....

So, here I am, having backslid about 4 pounds and SO frustrated.  Having to wait out more weight loss to get back to my newer lows-- my all time low (aside from the time that my band was so tight and I got dehydrated and I saw 155 on the scale one day) being 157ish.
So that is 4 pounds... could take 2 weeks or longer, and it all depends on what I put into my body or don't. more grrrr. But I know that I used to be able to lose 2 pounds per week if I stayed under 1200 calories consistently.  Am I being fair, I am comparing my 41 year old self to my 27ish year old self, sooooo.  Don't know.

All I know is that I am rambling now, and that I will need to be both patient and vigilant about eating right (YES, and exercise!)

I hope that the next time I take pictures in those shorts I posted yesterday that my weight will be lower and the shorts will be fitting better!

The Goal shorts

I've had these shorts for a while, they are essentially boxers made for women in a flimsy material-- most likely as pajama shorts... and they've NEVER fit.
I bought them at some point in the past, at least a few years back, way before the band, as a 'motivator' and a goal to get into them.
Needless to say, I have not yet achieved getting into the shorts to the extent that I would wear them.  But as a marker of my confidence in my newly upgraded program (both better adjusted band and help of phen if / when needed)-- I'm going to do something I've never done on purpose:
I'm going to track my weight loss using a specific item of clothing and do a photo journal of it.

Aren't I damned brave? Here are the 'before' shots (below)... and I do wonder how many pounds it will take to make these shorts fit, any guesses?
My bet would be 10 pounds to be 'wearable'- but 20 pounds if I wanted them to look even remotely decent on my- and finally 30 pounds if I want to 'look good' in them.
(I'd love to lose 30 pounds, but I have to be real... not sure if I'll get down that low-- remember: my main goal is to hit a normal BMI, which would be in the 146 range.)

Eh, voila:

Day 2

161.7 this morning-- backing down the scale, Aaaa-gain.

Now I feel even more focused and ready and that I will be able to get off another 10 pounds or so... I've got some magic in the way of the phentermine, if and when I choose to use it.

One thing you need to know about me is that I am a control freak and don't like the idea of 'drugs' unless they are 'needed.'  I can very easily take my antidepressant since I believe that depression is an illness.  I can even take Ativan (a benzodiazapene) when I need it for anxiety-- though my psychiatrist has often told me to take MORE when I have an upsurge of the depression and as the right dosage of Wellbutrin kicks in. (I don't like 'elective' drugs.)

But the phentermine... hmmm.  I just don't know.
It definitely seems like something that I want to be careful about.  So much so, that since I had a good day with it yesterday (not shaky, jittery, able to sleep-- did take half the dose of 17.25 mg, instead of the whole pill), I think I'll experiment with NOT taking it today. My fill is feeling tight this morning, so I am basically going to continue with liquids and maybe some very watery mushies-- but I want to baby my band. This fill level FEELS right, so I don't want to wind up too tight and swollen ... yada yada yada. We all know that special drill for me right now.

*EDITED: Being in this tight zone, and wanting to baby my band, I decided to cut the phen in half AGAIN so I am taking about 8mg this morning (8am.)  Having a decreased appetite and desire for food in general, it will be easier to stick with fluids, mainly.


I am wondering if this will work, and I am willing to experiment as I'd like to take as LITTLE phen as possible... of course, at this point, I am so unfamiliar with this drug that there could even be a placebo effect.  I'll add to this concept of placebo (placebo effect being attributed to subconscious effects) that I will have the conscious effect that I know I took an appetite suppressant and I have limited time to use it effectively, so I won't want to WASTE its effects by eating sliders today.

So that's my final decision for today-- but let me tell you the dance that I have going in my head-- I've gotten back to fantasizing about losing more weight and getting much thinner.  I think this is HOPE.  For a while there,  I was feeling pretty resigned and stuck where I was, despite the ongoing desire to lose more weight, and then the fear that I was losing ground and GAINING weight. UGH!

Now, I can see a light at the end of the next bend... I can see I can lose more weight. I have my band and when and if I am finding that the band isn't enough appetite control, I can take some phentermine to help get me over the hump.  THIS will help undo the cycle of back and forth with the fills, for sure.

Just. want. to. be. careful.

I have been reading about phentermine, and just like Jenny Craig, or even the band-- it has a magic at the BEGINNING that can never quite be reclaimed the next time and the next time around.  So, I view this time with the phentermine as my big shot with it as a real weight loss tool. I don't want to squander it.  And I don't mean that I'm afraid that they wouldn't give me a refill if I needed it, I discussed that with Gaspar and he said that he thought I could take the phen for a few months-- but that it could be viewed as a "bridge."  What that means is that it is meant to help get me over this hump where I've been stuck and take me to a new level. But the thing about bridges is that you get on them and then get OFF of them.. like the analogy?
(That's my analogy.)
Anyway: if phen were the only solution I were being handed, I'm quite certain that I'd gain back whatever weight I lose with its help-- because we all know that it isn't the LOSING that is SO hard, it is the keeping it off.  But, with the phen as an adjuvent to the BAND, I feel like I've got a winning solution right now!

It is interesting to read that there is some controversy amongst weight loss surgeons and the use of phentermine.  I believe that my practice is one of the best ones out there-- they are very encouraging of coming in for adjustments, and are not choosy or picky about the timing.  (I don't mean they'll give you an adjustment every single day, mind you.)
But they really listen to their patients, and I feel a distinct lack of prejudice against the troubles that obesity prone individuals suffer... and that makes such a difference.

Gaspar (who has his own band, by the way) truly understands and believes me when I say, "If I weren't so frigging hungry, I could lose more weight."  I am NOT a pig or a glutton-- but my appetite is too big for our fast food, easy gratification society. I need the help.

And as for exercise: I've seen a few comments and many blogs about exercise and its benefits for weight loss...
Believe me: I love exercise, and I love the way it feels.  When I was in my 20's, I used to go to the gym for 2 hours at a time 4 or 5 days per week, I ran a marathon, did a triathlon-- but none of it made me THIN.

The thing is, exercise is healthy, it makes you beautiful and gives you great skin and some nice tone-- but it doesn't necessarily result in weight loss.
Weight loss comes from one thing-- caloric restriction. I'm here to share this TERRIBLE news... but it is also good news, because in its complexity, it is rather simple... eat less, weigh less.

The above noted: OF COURSE, exercise is great-- it is just not the thing that is going to get me down the scale... the lowered calories will do it.
I am really looking forward to finding a PIG that is closer to my home so that I will eventually be able to add back those nearly 3 hours of commuting daily during the week to an exercise program... we shall see.  But in the meantime, I'm going to lose more weight, exercise or not.

Thanks for all the support-- watch me shrink!

Day 1

Funny thing to be writing on this blog 'day 1'-- like I am starting over or something?
Well: I took the phentermine (17.25 mg) this am, after I'd had coffee and I while to digest that coffee...

I am feeling not very much hunger (if any?) and a sense of energy and definite work focus.  I hate the idea that I am on 'speed' - which I've read in a couple of posts about the phentermine... but the idea is not to have me on speed, but to help kick start some needed weight loss.

I intend to take the 1/2 tab during the weekend (one per day) as that is a HIGH hunger time-- but then I will back off on Monday for a few days.  I don't want my body to get used to it and I'd rather not have to go up in dosage to the full pill.  I am not a big fan of diet pills at all (for me)-- I just want to use this as a means to get over a very long and difficult plateau.

I do have dreams of skinnyness and super success (is this the 'speed' talking?) Since I am writing this on a PIG computer, I must say: I am taking a legal pharmaceutical to help me manage obesity-- not to get my jollies, y'all.

Anyhow, eating for today has gone like this, and don't forget: I am on day 2 of liquids, post fill (my surgeon does it 2 days of liquids, 2 days of mushies-> normal eating)...
 Food for the day:
Coffee/ fat free half and half
Water
Iced tea
Special K protein shake ((190 cals/ 10 g. protein/ 5 gr fiber (yay!)
Water
1/4 cup of low fat ricotta cheese mixed with peanut butter powder (~150 cals/ 10 gr protein)

PS: I've started taking my disgusting bariatric chewable vitamins again. I hate them, but I'd been skipping them for a while. No more skipping.

I'm on it.

Got a .25cc fill-- and am already feeling a REAL difference in HUNGER and craving control.
Also, since I've been so frustrated and stuck, we discussed a short term prescription of phentermine 37.5 mg (appetite suppressant.)  The idea is that I will take HALF of one of those pills, in the morning.

I'm not required to take them at all-- it is just that they are there to give me a boost in my confidence in controlling my appetite and getting control of my weight again.

Boy, I am SO afraid of the criticism I might receive! Yikes.  If you hate phentermine or think bad things about it, please be kind in your comments and give your opinion without any character assassination PLEASE.

Anyway:
My blood pressure was 108/76, so I am a fine candidate and took the prescription and filled it.
I am going to use that medication VERY carefully, especially since I understand it is habit forming and can make you jittery and irritable.  Just what I need!

I hesitated to share this news with you all, because if the band is a 'cheat' the way some people think of it (I don't think so)-- then I am wondering are 'diet pills' a 'cheat' or are they a 'tool.'?
Clearly, my thought would be to use the phentermine as a TOOL to help me progress further with my weight loss-- but never getting dependent on it.
I don't want to take it every day-- and the use was described to me as it can be used now and again with good results... it is a short term med, even if taken every day.
So excited to see my weight go down...

Food journal for the day:
Coffee/ milk- 3 cups today (100 cals for milk)
Diet Iced Tea
Water
1 full can of Chunky Chicken Broccoli Soup (400 cals/ 14 g. protein)--> note: I ate this over 5 hours, had about a quarter of the soup (mixed with water) per serving
1.8 oz cheddar cheese (yes, I measured)- 200 cals
1 cup espresso (decaf)
'juicy water'-- water with lemon juice, lime juice, diet iced tea, and a splash of cranberry and orange juices
1 ghirad*elli 72% chocolate square

Total: ~900 calories

Here's my plan, all calendar'ed out and everything

So, I have an adjustment plan set.
I know I keep trying to decide what to do... and it is hard.
But since I'll be going out of the country on December 3rd, here's what I"m going to do:

Adjustment set for tomorrow-- November 17th.
That is a full 2 weeks plus 2 days before I leave the country.
During that time, if am too tight, I will get an unfill-- but I am going to go for a small adjustment at this point, particularly in light of the plan to soon leave the country for a week (maybe .1 cc? .2 cc's at most?)

As for AFTER the trip to the Caribbean, I have an adjustment all arranged for 4 days post trip.

I think this is a good plan.
Now all I need to do is convince my husband*, who is terrified of me getting too tight of an adjustment...he doesn't want me to ruin my vacation.

*I don't mean that my husband could or would physically prevent me from going for the fill- rather, I was afraid, and accurately so, that my husband would be concerned and essentially DISAPPROVE of this decision, for fear of my discomfort and his.
He is afraid that I'll get adjusted too tight and be sorry and ruin my vacation.

More to the point of the fact that I will be sure to let Gaspar know that I am getting on a plan in just 2 short weeks and that I can't get adjusted TOO tight. Also will let him know my intention to go in on 12/14 for another adjustment if needed.

Can I possibly dream that a tiny little bump up in my fill level will FINALLY do the trick that I'm looking for? I hope, I hope-a-hope-a-hope.
Keep y'all posted...

Fall 7 times, get up 8, go for an adjustment if you need one...

So, it is beginning to ring into my brain that I'll need yet another tweak before I am at a new sweet spot.  What I believe is that the last re-fill (which took me to 7.35cc's in a 10 cc band) helped arrest any new weight gain-- but try as I might, I am having a lot of difficulty getting off the couple of pounds I gained when the floodgates were opened and I was all the way 'down' to 7.0 cc's around my birthday.

I am cursing myself those few weeks-- but I am also trying to learn from the whole thing.  Get too tight for too long and voila, you mess your damn self up.

So now, here I am, swinging between 160ish and 164 (ugh!! for me to see that number ever)-- this morning, weighing 163.4 when I first got up at 4.30am... and knowing that I'm not in the right place.
I know Dr. Ren told me it doesn't need to be this hard, and I don't get satisfied for long enough.

I have a vacation planned within the next several weeks (well before Christmas, but after Thanksgiving) and I am trying to decide whether or not to go for a small adjustment PRE-vacation.  My instinct is to wait after the vacation.  As we all know, flying can really screw things around... but on the other hand: I don't want to gain weight on the vacation, and am not sure how much control I'll be able to exert.

Something to think about as I monitor my weight for the next few weeks...

I really see why I got the surgery now-- I need the help for sure, and while this has been a really frustrating interval for me, I believe the key learning I've done is to know that adjustments upwards need to be done little by little and not the 'big girl fill' scenario that some of us have talked about.  That's at least the best way for me.  Too much, too soon-- TOO Tight, return for an unfill.

Rather: better to go slow with refilling to the sweet spot to get to the right adjustment.  I would love to get there and live at that space for months at a time-- but that has not happened for me yet. Humbugger.

As for other news that is interfering with my whole weight progress- I just went UP on my antidepressant by 100 mg. (I was taking 200 mg, now I added an additional 100 mg) based on my weekend of horrible irritability, feeling totally personally overwhelmed, hopeless about things I don't typically feel hopeless about and out of sorts.  I have to react fast to these changes, and I have a tendency to descend quickly and become worse unless there is a physiological intervention.
However: while I cannot say I am feeling 100% back to normal (I just took my first additional dose yesterday)- the medication I take works fast for my body chemistry, and I anticipate feeling significantly better in just a few days, if not by the end of today.

Sorry I don't have better weight news to report, but this is life with the band as I know it.
I am glad to tell you that I am not giving up and that I feel very allied with my surgery's practice in that I know I can return and continue to get their help.  I really enjoy working with Gasp-ar, he seems to get my progress and understand that while I've had my ups and downs lately, all in all, I have made progress to be proud of. He also told me that we'll get me straightened out, and I believe him!

So, I'll be making another appointment with him for sometime soon-- just when? Don't know exactly... I am still toying with a slight adjustment upwards even before the vacation now that I see I remain stuck around the weight I was at my last fill.  I can handle staying here if I can't get any more weight off FOR NOW, but I don't want to GAIN on the vacation.

Something to think about-- I'd love your input.
Should I call and go in pre-vacation???

The best laid plans... and picture

So much for the photo journal, it is a lot harder to do it on the weekends, so I think I'll start small with during the week.  I may do every other day or something, it is a TON of work-- but I think it is worth it.

The picture above is from last night, and went out to a later dinner with family... it was long but a nice night.

Woke up to 161.5 on the scale.  It's not my all-time low, but I feel that my weight is moving back down the scale in a gradual scatter pattern.  I WILL leave the 160's again... and I hope it won't be too long. 

And I haven't given up on lower numbers either, just one step at a time.

The 160's to 150's and getting out of the 150's have proven to be a major challenge...

Am finding myself VERY tight in the evenings now-- and it is playing to my advantage.  As I said yesterday or another time, I've learned a lot with the band.  One thing I know is that the ideal sweet spot is appetite suppression, but I've done nicely with some appetite suppression PLUS good old restriction.  

There is a major difference, 'holla' if you agree.

I do notice appetite suppression for sure. When my entire family was freaking out in hunger waiting for our table (they were rightly hungry, we wait for over an hour), I was fine. When we sat down to eat, I wasn't particularly hungry either.  I wound up eating a couple of bites, and when ordering dessert came: I ordered tea- I couldn't be 'bothered' to order myself dessert. Strange to be me sometimes.

Photo food journal 11 12 11

1/4 protein bar

Breakfast: 1 egg with about 1/4 cup of pad thai noodle leftovers-yum

Good morning-- coffee with milk

Snapping photos-- it worked for me!

I was very committed to snapping photos-- and I did it all day... it definitely added a layer of accountability that worked well.
My pictures didn't stop me from eating 2 cookies and 1 chocolate square, but I think it made me think twice about any Halloween candy... maybe a bit twisted... but...

I am also seeing my band be tighter in the evenings-- adding to the amount of care with which I am approaching eating.  Whether or not there is appetite suppression, I'm re-learning caution and eating slow/ small bites at dinner-- this is helping too.

This morning's weight: 160.9.
Yes!!

Look for my photo food journal for today...

My food day in pictures... an experiment

I must say, I've tried this before, but I'm willing to give it another go, based on my post above... here is my attempt to document my day in food and drink IN PICTURES.  I can always do well at the start of the day, it is as the day wears on that it gets harder...

Breakfast, ate almost all of it

My almost daily addiction: DD coffee (lately w/ Toasted almond flavor) and milk

A VERY unappetizing view of something tasty: sardines w/ balsamic vinegar and olive oil... sorry for the gross shot!!

The sardines weren't that appealing, so after a few bites and about 30 minutes, I graduated to a Vit-a-muffin, and some butternut squash soup.

Note: I almost forgot to take a picture! So, now we see that the initial committment to photo logging food is one thing, but the actual doing is a bit more challenging.

I'm going to do my best to continue, and I KNOW it will keep me honest b/c I'll have to admit if I go for the cake at an offi-ce party this afternoon.  I'm going to resist with all of my might, including chewing 2 sticks of peppermint gum as the party goes on!!

Just an interesting note: here is what is LEFT of my 'lunch.'  In this case, it is restriction and not appetite suppression that is standing in the way, the corn muffin top is pretty carby, so it is kind of feeling stuck and not comfortable to eat.  It's possible that I may have ANOTHER go at something to eat in a while if I am hungry... 'a day in the life!'

Veggie burrito, mozzarella stick, chips and a martini-- I wound up having 8 chips, 1/3 cup of guacamole, 2 bites (REALLY) of the veggie burrito

Honesty is the best policy in accountability: I ate 2 of these.

1 chocolate square-- these really work for me b/c they are individually wrapped

A great article; a bouncy scale

Bouncy scale first, weighed last evening and got down to 161.8... but saw 163.4 and 162 ish this morning.
Annoying, and clearly haven't dropped any signficant weight yet.
I have to say, I am not eating terrifically well, and I am trying to get myself sorted out, one meal at a time...

I saw a great article on ways to help with weight loss/ curb appetite, and I am certainly willing to try these.  They are not hurtful and make a lot of sense.

..5 Bizarre Weight Loss Tricks that Work


1. Sniff a banana, apple, or peppermint


You might feel silly, but it works. When Dr Alan R. Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago tried this with 3,000 volunteers, he found that the more frequently people sniffed, the less hungry they were and the more weight they lost - an average of 30 lb each. One theory is that sniffing the food tricks the brain into thinking you're actually eating it. 2. Hang a mirror opposite your seat at the table. One study found that eating in front of mirrors slashed the amount people ate by nearly one-third. Seems having to look yourself in the eye reflects back some of your own inner standards and goals, and reminds you of why you're trying to lose weight in the first place.


2. Hang a mirror opposite your seat at the table.


One study found that eating in front of mirrors slashed the amount people ate by nearly one-third. Seems having to look yourself in the eye reflects back some of your own inner standards and goals, and reminds you of why you're trying to lose weight in the first place.

3. Surround yourself with blue


There's a good reason you won't see many fast-food restaurants decorated in blue: Believe it or not, the color blue functions as an appetite suppressant. So serve up dinner on blue plates, dress in blue while you eat, and cover your table with a blue tablecloth. Conversely, avoid red, yellow, and orange in your dining areas. Studies find they encourage eating.

4. Shoot your food


Rather than writing down every morsel, take a picture of it, and file the photos on your phone or computer by date. A visual account of your consumption may help you curb your intake. "Snapping photos and then looking back at them can make people stop and think before indulging," nutritionist Joan Salge Blake says. It needn't be a big production: your cell phone will do. Think about it: there you are at the salad bar, making a plate of vegetables. Don't pat yourself on the back quite yet, though. A simple snapshot of your heaping dish may "show your extra helping of cheese or deep-fried croutons," Joan cautions. A visual reminder might be just enough to give you pause next time before you ladle on the blue cheese dressing. -- Joan is a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. Find other healthy eating tips in her book, Nutrition & You.

5. Tie yourself up


You could try fitness guru Valerie Orsoni's "Le Petit Secret": "A number of French women wear a ribbon around their waist and underneath their clothes when they go out for dinner. It keeps them conscious of the tummy-particularly if the ribbon starts to feel tighter as the evening goes on!"