shadows

i think sadness is perpetually hiding behind happiness.

whenever i feel even remotely happy, i can already feel the sadness around the corner of my life.

everything has its end.

but i doubt sadness has its end.

when you have something you so dearly wanted, you'd still have to let go at some time of your life. when that happens, all the happiness that thing gave you will suddenly culminate into a bundle of sadness that cuts everything off and gives it a strong and final full-stop.

life is a continuous cycle of obtaining something, just to give it away. time can take away almost anything, including your love, dignity, knowledge, life.

i am just afraid.

i am so afraid, that i am afraid of feeling.

so hence i stop feeling.

everything is a process, and life can be passed by without feeling a thing.

can it be done? who knows.

senior?

im a senior. god.

the new batch of medical students came in recently, and now im left with this strange realization of the fact that i can be called a senior by a handful of people.

and boy do they look terrified.

8

everyday, i go "I am going to study tonight".

everynight, i go "I am going to put it off till tomorrow".

I think evantually it becomes a vicious cycle.

this cycle never ends.

oh.

verbal dirrahoea

my conscience works like an onion.

its like, you peel one layer, and you find another. kind of thing.

i say its a good day, its a good thing that it rains, and whatnot.

its a natural course of event, that i think in another person's point of view, more often than not the person i am speaking to.

perhaps if i were him/her, i would think otherwise. i would think this.

No. this is me thinking in that person's point of view, and it is still a little off from that person's point of view.

in the first place, how would i know how to feel like in the place of that person?

conscience is a road. its the footsteps you've walked in your life, and a person's life will define how the person feels now, now in this moment.

i mean, i guess even a murderer has its own reasons for killing a person. i just cannot judge a person just from his/her actions. life cannot be seen from an instance. its a linear kind of thing. not a point.

so it is impossible to try and feel how a person thinks.

but its kinda plebian to say "so i give up".

so i try again.

and the more i try, the more i realise how different each of us probably, are.

although i may try to reason that the process is the one that matters, I am probably not going to solve anything by this reasoning apart from keeping myself sane.

we're all alone, left with nobody, probably not even ourselves to understand us.

what're you left, when you keep peeling an onion?

nothing.

7130

past

i was glancing through my oldest blog posts, and it nearly killed me.

what a bunch of crap! disgusted with myself.

bh

skipped uni on friday to go to a beach holiday. hip-hip-ho.

Tioman, i think. i thought i was in langkawi when i was there, and thought we were going to Pangkor before i reached there.

ah beaches. as long as there are sand, fish and salt-water, everywhere is the same.

i went for a little dancing with the fishes, after which i eat them, built a sand-pyramid only to be climbed by little kids who lives there, and slept, and slept, and slept.