looking back...

2009 was yet another a year of change.

although I would like to think my life will be full of changes, the opportunities of change, good or bad, would decrease as I get old.

in a more positive note, I could say I'll becoming more "stable".

anyway.

this year I have;

finished my second sets of A-level,

made lots of friends and said goodbye to them but not quite out-of-touch with them,

become more of a social person (but i have like 10:1 ratio of female to male friends in uni.),

lost an appetite for writing here, (i blame the lack of reading)

didn't really get fitter nor unfit-er,

discovered that I really do enjoy studying what I do,

found out that it is actually possible for me to plan ahead,

did some proper band activities,

passed my first year exam.

managed to stay alive. so did my friends.

lets appreciate this.

so here's to the end of a great 2009.

it was a good year, with lots of changes for the better.

lets hope that 2010 will be yet another a year for more achievements...

was bored. and free.

and im in my holidays so i get excused for doing this.

my nokia phone handles my abuses very well.

rant

the mind is like a limitlessly expanding subway line.

it makes interconnecting lines around a station, which leads to another, and to another.

if i trace back why i decided to write this rant,

i first thought about, a deterioration of sorts. it is usually negative. break-down.

i thought, what kind of destruction may have a positive image?

than i went on to winter. spring comes just as the first ice in the colder regions melt, to form a stream. the ice deteriorates into water. i also thought of a breaking down of stereotype. by breaking down stereotypes, people may be able to start to understand each other.

just as how a melting ice tells beginning of spring.

than my thoughts jumped to associations of thoughts. we associate some things, with other things.

I may associate the mosque, to 6:00AM, as i hear the prayer. from 6:00AM i associate this with sleep. it is when i sleep during exams-period. exam period will spark yet more thoughts. how it feels to be awake when most of the people in 5000km radius, lets say, are sleeping.

and now my thoughts jumps back before exams. what was i like before this? i used to write some things on here, those things that doesn't exactly relate to my real life. or it relates more to my real life, depending on my definitions, and my definitions are somewhat fluid.

and so i let my thoughts run back to deterioration as i started writing this.

and i now have a new perception of thoughts. it is not merely a subway line. thoughts can take the subway, it could take the bus, it could walk, run, and it could fly off. thoughts can stay, or seemingly disappear. the thought, is like a world.

and according to my definition, each world is still separated from the others.

and now i am thinking is it ever possible to transverse the world. can we ever understand each other as much as we understand ourselves.

we seem to think we understand other worlds better than we really do, or less than we really do, or think that we think that we understand, but in the end we don't.

so what is thought?

thought?

and now i am thinking, i wonder if people reading this may think i am under influence of alcohol.

and now i am thinking, it is about time i stopped "ranting". i was never a talkative type.

postpost

its been ages since i last updated this place.

quite a lot have happened this month.

i've had my exams, on the 20th (I think... was it?)
*checks*

no it was on the 10th. this is how all that medicine screw up my circadian and calenderaly rhythm. (which i had

so yes. we had this Year-end exam called EOS, its kind of like an exam IMU students dread, talk about in their sleep, get psychological hyperventilation, attempt to kill themselves, and get PTSD from.

...actually, it wasn't so bad for me because i have the knack for convincing myself that the reality is not as bad as it really is.

the reason for all these panic prior to EOS is because;

of the amount of things we have to study.

if i were to stack all the notes i'd have to read, understand and memorize, it would be around 10.5cm (i actually stacked them up and checked.)

and if i were to take any referance book, it is bigger than a bible and could be used as a potential weapon in case some armed robbery happens in your house, or a bullet-proof shield.

of the consequences.

when we fail EOS2, we get to re-sit. if we fail that, we either get to retake semester 2, retake semester 1 AND 2, or get kicked out. this depends on the INTERVIEW which is more like an interrogation by several university big-shots.

of sheer peer pressure.

you go to university on a saturday (in my case i had some sporting event going on) you will see your friends, all your friends, studying.

and its not just a usual studying either. they're studying in pin-drop-silence with their noses touching their notes. it is a scary sight. it makes you guilty not to study. it makes you feel that you might just die if you don't do the same.

people stay in the library, from 8a.m till 8p.m. then they go home and study. its pretty hardcore.

so people naturally get quite stressed.

i think i'm the only one who was relaxed enough to take super-naps (which is like, a 5 hour nap) during exam period. although i study from 10p.m till 6a.m after that, then sleep 30 mins to get ready for the next day.

so you can imagine how our results day would look like.

we talk about the nightmares we had (i actually had a dream about results, but it was like "Everyone passed! yayyyyy!" kind so i just kept quiet) and there were rumours spreading like wildfire that over 60 people failed this time round.

now, 60 people over 250 failing might not really sound like a lot, but it is really difficult to imagine ANYONE less academically able than you in IMU. because simply everyone works hard, and everyone just so happens to be an all-A student in their collage.

I got a B- in the end, but i felt happy like never before in my life. but after that i had several nightmares about people who has to re-take... (coming back to the point why we dread EOS - so much workload that you can literally place all those notes on you and kill yourself while at sleep)

nowadays im sort of living a free life since its my first long holiday, till January. wheee.

I PASSED!

i feel like a fucking prince now.

i never thought i had this in me really.

list

saw Pia's post about lists being wonderful.

my exam is in 6day's time, and here i am.

tuesday (now)

Kidney all

Immunology 1-6

biochemistry half

endocrine read-up

go through OBA (one best answer)

wednesday

Behavioral science half

microbiology - parasitology all

respiratory system - half

Special Senses

thursday

Behavioral science all

Pharmacology

Respi all

OBA

friday

community medicine 1-8

pathology 1-7

Haematology

Endocrine 2/3

go look at FLMs

saturday

Lange Parasitology questions

Community Medicine 9-16

Biochemistry all

Endocrine all

Sunday

mock

pathology 8-14

Haematology

OBA

Monday

sleep.

immuno 7-12

repro all

tuesday

exam.

go get slaughtered.

lists are indeed wonderful. brings forth the true meaning of life.

sometimes you remember something just because it sounds cool to remember something.

bad explanation needs an analogy.

its like, digging a hole just to jump in it.

not-so-generally-felt analogy needs a simplification

sometimes you do things just for the fuck of it.

coming back to my first statement,

this is a cool one to remember.

HGPRT - Hypoxanthine-guanine phosphoribosyltransferase

its an enzyme in purine metabolism. without this, you get GOUT (and other fatal kidney fuck-ups) baby!

my new mantra.

"work is just another list of things to do"

(...and list of things to do never GOES AWAY, so better off doing it ASAP.)

its the truth of life.

it makes me happy to look at myself study.

ruler, anyone

everyone is in pain and it hurts just to look at it.

i guess every person on this earth has its problems,

and their scars can only be measured by each person's own hands.

it may be easy to forget and ignore your pain

but everything needs mending.

and some only you can feel and see,

so who else but you to brace it?

it may be easy to pretend like everyone else

but herein lies what defines you

and this only you can take and stand

so who else but you to embrace it?

i never really understand people,

but i know everyone is hurt

and i know everyone doesn't want me to know that

and i know everyone doesn't want me to ignore that

so what can we really do?

i keep thinking.

fun-fair

conversation is a carousel.

we go around and around, but we never really reach each other.

round and round, and the lights.

coffee does me wonders. i don't feel tired.

why is it that i have VERY contradicting feeling sometimes.

such a difficult child.

.

i will never think that something i did was a mistake,

but i do feel i hoped for a better outcome.

and i know it does not help. but i feel otherwise.

every mistake is a progress as long as i learn from it,

but in the terms of emotions, its not quite as simple.

and i know it does not help. but i feel otherwise.

all the things i feel are what makes me human, and me,

but in the state of this world, its easier to just ignore them.

and i know it does not help. but i feel otherwise.

and every time i am reminded of how it feels to hurt,

i become more hollow, but i hope i still am empathic.

thank you.

and i am not sorry.

Japanese myth begun with tragedy.

maybe one day i'll write about it

decisions. why o why do i take the longer path.

oh fuck

coffee started working now.

unintentional study marathon.

next thing i know i'm going to find myself giving myself IV while i study.

happy

highlighter.

lecture notes.

coffee.

empty stomache.

an open mind.

good reference text.

silence.

motivation.

a good brain.

all of which predisposes to a quality accumulation of knowledge, and harder to come by as we descend.

insensitive insecurities

now that my circadian rhythm is completely fucked up, i finally feel like a real university student.

people tend to compare themselves with people and say they "achieved nothing".

(especially so in universities when everyone is competitive, smart, and mentally disturbed)

i think i have said this before, but i personally feel its foolish to compare yourself with another, just to find out how inferior you are in some parts.

i believe people are fundamentally different, and we never really understand another person fully enough, to be able to get to some kind of conclusion by comparing each other.

that being said, when you think you're inferior compared to an another person, i will say you are wrong. i also believe that everyone is perfectly flawed.

only you get to decide how much you have achieved.

so how would you gauge your achievement when you cannot compare with others?

it is very difficult to measure something without a scale, afterall.

i say compare you, with yourself.

if you're the same person compared to you a year ago, you're allowed be ashamed of yourself.

be proud, if you can say that you're different from what you are yesterday.

even though the change may be one extra noun that you've learnt, or one equation you've memorized, or one friend you've gained.

anything less, is very difficult to achieve, and basically its not an easy task to be an underachiever.

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its really sad when you go around blog-hopping, and you come to a dead-end saying "this blog has been deleted."

here's a fact.

medical students likes music.

no, really.

we have like 5 bands in IMU in total. and people stay here for only 2.5 years.

here's another fact.

medical students think about medicine all the time.

here's the names of the 5 bands.

Insomnia

Carcinoma

P.U.S (Pick-Up-Symphony)

STD (Sound Transmitted Disease)

Z-band

lame, yeah. but i think its cool.

if you can guess the band i am in (please don't tell my mom) you get a candy. toot toot.

you know you're a medical student when...

sorry for the no-update...

its like 5 weeks till the next exam, and i'm scared shit that i'm going to fail.

shadows

i think sadness is perpetually hiding behind happiness.

whenever i feel even remotely happy, i can already feel the sadness around the corner of my life.

everything has its end.

but i doubt sadness has its end.

when you have something you so dearly wanted, you'd still have to let go at some time of your life. when that happens, all the happiness that thing gave you will suddenly culminate into a bundle of sadness that cuts everything off and gives it a strong and final full-stop.

life is a continuous cycle of obtaining something, just to give it away. time can take away almost anything, including your love, dignity, knowledge, life.

i am just afraid.

i am so afraid, that i am afraid of feeling.

so hence i stop feeling.

everything is a process, and life can be passed by without feeling a thing.

can it be done? who knows.

senior?

im a senior. god.

the new batch of medical students came in recently, and now im left with this strange realization of the fact that i can be called a senior by a handful of people.

and boy do they look terrified.

8

everyday, i go "I am going to study tonight".

everynight, i go "I am going to put it off till tomorrow".

I think evantually it becomes a vicious cycle.

this cycle never ends.

oh.

verbal dirrahoea

my conscience works like an onion.

its like, you peel one layer, and you find another. kind of thing.

i say its a good day, its a good thing that it rains, and whatnot.

its a natural course of event, that i think in another person's point of view, more often than not the person i am speaking to.

perhaps if i were him/her, i would think otherwise. i would think this.

No. this is me thinking in that person's point of view, and it is still a little off from that person's point of view.

in the first place, how would i know how to feel like in the place of that person?

conscience is a road. its the footsteps you've walked in your life, and a person's life will define how the person feels now, now in this moment.

i mean, i guess even a murderer has its own reasons for killing a person. i just cannot judge a person just from his/her actions. life cannot be seen from an instance. its a linear kind of thing. not a point.

so it is impossible to try and feel how a person thinks.

but its kinda plebian to say "so i give up".

so i try again.

and the more i try, the more i realise how different each of us probably, are.

although i may try to reason that the process is the one that matters, I am probably not going to solve anything by this reasoning apart from keeping myself sane.

we're all alone, left with nobody, probably not even ourselves to understand us.

what're you left, when you keep peeling an onion?

nothing.

7130

past

i was glancing through my oldest blog posts, and it nearly killed me.

what a bunch of crap! disgusted with myself.

bh

skipped uni on friday to go to a beach holiday. hip-hip-ho.

Tioman, i think. i thought i was in langkawi when i was there, and thought we were going to Pangkor before i reached there.

ah beaches. as long as there are sand, fish and salt-water, everywhere is the same.

i went for a little dancing with the fishes, after which i eat them, built a sand-pyramid only to be climbed by little kids who lives there, and slept, and slept, and slept.

meeting old young friends.

prior to going to Grace's bday party, i was planning to go to Mid-Valley by my old bike that i have been neglecting in the car-park for 5-odd months. the bike itself is... i think it is more than 20 years old. a vintage, really.

i took the keys and fired it up, and the whole place was covered with smoke. it made some funny sounds too.

of course, Tatsuki is never fazed by such things, and rode my way to the LRT station.

the bike was like a freaking smoke-grenade on the run.

i think i have killed a whole eco-system of bugs with the smoke that was coming out of my old bike.

it was like, if i got lost with my bike, my mom can trace the smoke, or better, my mom can look up and see where the smoke stopped to look for me.

Grace's party was very nice. met Grace, Jason and Pia who are ever charming than ever.

Grace's friends were.... very.... cheerful and happy.

a happy birthday indeed.

I actually wanted to get Grace a medical dictoinary, or the "Oxford handbook of Medical Sciences" (which is very helpful in the 1st hamster) but by the time she starts medicine, it's going to be outdated, and outdated medicine is not only useless but dangerous, so i kind of settled for one of my books in my room.

6980

scouts

i see huge ants.... those military-ants crawling around my house. i wonder what they're up to.

heart of life

i don't really like to post about music here but i just bought john-mayer cd and its awesome.

on a sidenote, i like teh-tarik.

excuse me?

did 6 hours or so of survey today.

quite interesting being chased by security in KLCC, doing surveys behind their backs, and doing a real-life MGS as the security started LOOKING for me to chase me away.

people were nice, really. they're generally very willing to answer questionnairs.

birds.

i know its kinda outdated, but started twitter.

catch me if you can

there is this cool website called chatpad where you could talk with a totally random person in japan (its a japanese site so.)

so i talked to like 5 people, most of them just sort of... convo didin't last.

but than the 6th one was awesome. this is what happened.

someone"i once appeared on a video"

me- "really"

"its called 'if you can escape from a homo, you get 100000yen'".

"cool. haha. did you manage to escape?"

"lol i caught 3 people"

"oh."

"yeah"

"so, what's your incentive? what do the homos get for each person caught? 10000yen?"

"no, we get to kiss them."

"oh."

"so it was a good deal"

"right. cool."

*your chat partner has left the chatpad*

japan is a wierd place.

i bought this.

i hope you are jealous.

tanabata

the place where i came from is called Hiratsuka-city of Kanagawa prefecture.

its famous for its large tanabata, which is celebrated on the 7th of this month.

but the real festival was held on the 2,3,4,5th of the month, so i went on the last day with 8 of my friends.

the day before the night, a yakuza member was shot inside the office near the station, so there were policemen and yellow "keep out" tapes all over a particular spot of the street.

apparently, it was my friend's superior when he worked temporary near the station as.... an attendant for.... a club. yes.

apparently, a member of other yakuza (the fujisawa-area yakuza, to be precise) came to hiratsuka during tanabata, and did some shit, and he was taken to the hiratsuka yakuza's office for some... diciplinary actions which may involve breaking some bones.

following that, a boss from fujisawa came to apologice to the hiratsuka yakuza, and it was supposed to settle the whole shit.

but an other member from fujisawa came to hiratsuka, to come save his friend, and shot one of the member of hiratsuka yakuza, dead.

hiratsuka yakuza, seeing this, stabbed the first fujisawa guy to death, and sent the body over to fujisawa, and sent one man (the "responsible" one) from the member to endure the jail.

so, its all a cheerful place around where i live.

i had fun anyway with my friends so its all cool. we drank, talked, and took care of the drunk (my friend sits down and cry when he gets wasted)

vend vend

y'know, the vending machine?

yeah, those machines that sells drinks.

japanese vending machine has hot drinks too.

and some has hot soups. like oshiruko and corn-soup.

yesterday, i went to buy a pokari-sweat from the vending machine, and a cold oshiruko (a sweet sweet soup) came out.

so being the smart boy me, i pressed on the oshiruko button thinking this must be where the pokari-sweat must be stored.

and there came out a hot pokari-sweat.

fantastic.

walk.

its pretty fun walking around in tokyo.

people are so colourful.

things i see when i go outside

"im just an ugly butterfly"

said the beautiful moth.

addiction

im sad that my exam is over.

i am officially workaholic. how japanese of me.

in which i try to express my urgency

my friends in Uni are literally tearing their hair out as exam draws close like a demon who we haven not met yet but we know its blood-thirsty claw has taken many unexpecting poor souls...

seriously. people around me are crazy. i went to uni on a sunday, and i see my friends sitting there, studying. there are people who are always in the library. and its not the always i always used as in always, meaning not really always but okay, kind of always.

butbutbut see. i think its wonderful to be able to have something to do. I'm so glad i can study, rather than sitting around and do nothing. i would really choose studying over being a beach-bum.

I have no stress at all. really. really. i mean, its only like 15% of overall score of whole-year-dead-or-alive formative assesment.

i go study nowkthxby

rapport

in medicine, we learn to build "rapport" with patients.

meaning, we've got to connect to them in such a way that we can empathize, and they will be more willing to tell us their problems, and they would be able to trust us.

the problem being,

as dexter says, im a hollow being with no actual human soul in my normal-looking exterior.

its difficult for me to have feelings, really.

6560

now i'm

now i'm swimming in the ocean of dirrahoea.

there are varieties of types of shits in this world, and i think im getting better at swimming in it everyday.

could have been worse

so far, everything has worked out fine today.

i went to a HIV victim's house, (3 in total - kids, women, trannies)

i sang songs to them

they thanked us

my car got broken into

nobody was hurt

got a nice life experience (don't park on the streets)

going to see how a window would be fixed into a car tomorrow.

my life is just awesome.

preminition

i am afraid, that i am becoming more and more infamous for doing..... things..... nowadays.

i WAS going to keep a low profile but things go this direction all the time.

6358

stress?

i realised recently, that most stress occurs not from impeding stuff (exams, angry friends, exams, things to do for mommy, or exams, etc)

but the fact that we're not doing anything about it.

the thought of "fuck. i haven't done shit, i hate my self' part.

when we do everything we can in the face of life, there will be minimal stress.

i'm like this after i blow bubbles.

Lets say, right,

life's an ocean.

there's a sandy beach that goes on forever and ever, 

and the sea changes colour in every direction you look at it.

the sands are like all the possibilities life has for us, 

which is just, infinity.

whenever I'm in a beach, i always do one thing, without fail.

i dig.

i dig some holes into the beach, just because.

just because i can. 

i sometimes dig lots of small holes, 

and other times its a one deep hole.

friendship is a little like those holes i dig.

i dig into the possibilities that are around me,

mostly the nearest to me, 

because the place doesn't really matter.

its nice to be occupied on the digging,

and its nice to see the hole being deeper and deeper.

once in a while I'd step back and see, 

and say "hey, I've dug this far".

its nice to see the numerous little holes.

I can surround myself with those shallow holes, 

and lie there as they look back at you.

but after some time, the tide comes up,

and the holes disappear beneth the waves.

waves can be the time. it comes and goes,

but no two waves are the same. 

first wave, and the hole gets shallow.

second wave, all that's left of the hole is an indentation

third wave, and its gone.

just like that.

the wave of the ocean that is time of our lives.

the little holes that disappear beneath it.

and someday I too will be submerged under that ocean.

my bones will be ground into tiny particles,

just like sand.

and i will be the ocean.

i will be the sand, 

waves, the salty water.

and i would know exactly where i dug my holes, 

because i dug it into myself, by myself.

a bit of crazy talk

I think subconsciously, everyone is on their path to their own perfection.

people have this template of perfect image somewhere in its mind, 

like those hollow metal stuff you make, to make cookies.

all the cookies you make, are based upon that particular perfect template.

you give the cookies away, but not the template. and people will see the cookie,

and see that they all look kind of same, and think 

"ah, he must have a template somewhere."

so, what does it take to be perfect?

some say god is perfect. 

...we all do maths, or did maths, at one point of our life.

we know what a circle is. when we're told of a "circle", people will imagine a circle,

and its a perfect circle we will be imaging in our minds.

but in real life, there is no such thing as a perfect circle. 

all the circles we draw, are slightly skewed, 

even when drawn by a "human-compass" they used to call me!

same goes for squares, animals, and perhaps even people.

when we talk of a human, we do not imagine a cripple, or a criminal.

but does these "perfect" things really exist?

i don't think so.

so, maybe,

maybe "not existing" is a factor, to be perfect?

(and so we die, to be more perfect,

 at the end of our little theater which is life.)

the drug.

i think i'm starting to get addicted to studying.

no, seriously.

nowadays, I study during weekends for the next-week lectures, not sleep during lectures, and study in the cafeteria drinking teh-tarik for a minimum of 5 hours after lectures.

after which i go home and swim like a madman.

and shake my legs at 11, trying to sleep.

i actually fall asleep at 12.

or are they drugging my teh-tarik?

dream diary

my friend was late for an exceptionally strict lecturer's lecture.

"you there. the patient is dead. why are you late?"

"I was late because i was watching an old lady drown."

I think someone's been screwing with my brian.

uni lif

in my uni, the students are actually not allowed to use the lift.

but there was this time, where the lift was filled with student, 

and the door opened to reveal a proffessor standing there.

the professor glanced at us, and stepped into the crowded lift.

and the buzzer went off.

oh noes, the students thought.

this calls out for some de-stressetizor, thought I, so i said

"everyone, just CALM DOWN. now, stand on one foot!"

the professor started cracking up, while the other students just stood there, 

sending me brain-waves which said "Shut the fuck up"

at the end of it all, i stepped out because i was nearest to the door, but i could still hear the prof. laughing his ass off.

moral of the day; profs love lame jokes. 

no wonder they love me.

6043

discarded old memories

i cleaned up my e-mail inbox just now.

i had1504 unread messages, which contained messages from an old friend 4 years ago.

i tried messaging this old friend of mine,

but it didin't go thru.

5966

being good with words.

its my nature to be quite jealous about couples being couples.

last week, I was talking to my friend.

my friend says...

"my gf always says this line... 'do you like someone who's beautiful, or smart?', and I don't know what to tell her."

I said...

"I know what to say. tell her 'Neither, because I love you.'

isn't it sweet?"

he said...

"awesome. thanks tats!"

and he did.

next morning, he said...

"um, why did she slap me when i said that?"

such lovable idiots...

i think im getting fat.

cats can fly. if they wanted to.

"MYARRRRRRRRGH!"

It was another peaceful night, in my condo's pool.

a cat was quietly drinking at the side of the pool, as happy Gweilos chatted far in the gazebo.

there was a dark figure, watching the cat from the other end of the pool. it observed the cat, paddling without a sound, wave nor splash, in the pool.

the figure quietly disappeared into the pool.

-15 seconds later-

the figure shot out of the water, right infront of the cat.

the cat rocketed almost 2 meters up in the air, turning 180degree as it does so, MYARRRRRRGHing away as it is airbourne, frantically moving its legs as its body is still not in contact with the ground.

when it finally reached the ground, it shot into the bushes, stumbling as it does so.

i never knew cats can be that surprised.

hehe.

self-reflection

because im special, i was asked to fill out a feedback form for my university.

it was for the feedback for some group discussion nonsense, (which is very important for our learning system configuration) so that the profs know what we make of the aforementioned nonsense.

so it said;

In your own words, what is self-reflection to you?

it is a daily routine to press onto our own painful parts, to remind us how badly we do things compared to what we aspire to be.

its depressing to self-reflect. i bet old people never self-reflect since they'll see how ugly they are. but we do it anyway. it is good for us to stay modest.


actually i wanted to write something like;

it is looking into the abyss, which is the chaos of my mind. the abyss looks back, and it would not take long before i realize i am slitting my wrist and my BLOOD IS BLACK as the ABYSS i am in.

to spite the profs.

but i was too pussy to do that, and i am not exactly Jason-chow-y so i settled for the first one.

---------------------------------------

tagged by Pia. who still remembers me.
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Q: Do you like someone? f
Q: Held a snake? t
Q: Been suspended from school? t
Q: Sang karaoke? t
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? f
Q: Laughed until you started crying? f
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? t
Q: Kissed in the rain? f
Q: Sang in the shower? ttt
Q: Sat on a roof top? t
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? T
Q: Broken a bone? t
Q: Shaved your head? F
Q: Played a prank on someone? t
Q: Shot a gun? t
Q: Donated Blood? t


Just be 100% truthful.

LAST PERSON THAT.

1. You hung out with? 2 Singaporian ladys, in Pavilion. both very pretty!
2. You texted? hmmm Dex
3. You were in a car with? same with q1
4. Went to the movies with? dunno.
5. Person you went to shop with? same with q1 but i'd say Mom
6. You talked on the phone? JAL lady
7. Made you laugh? i make people laugh but i never laugh myself
8. You hugged? hmm

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...

1. Sun or moon? both.
2. Winter or Fall? both.
3. Left or Right? straight.
4. Sunny or rainy? Sunny rain.
5. Where do you live? 5mins walk from KLCC
6. Club or pub? neither.
7. Are there 1 or 2 people who you can always trust and rely on? no...
8. Do you want to get married? i guess so
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirltwirltwirl
10. What time is it? 304
11. Are you afraid of commitment? No.
12. What is your greatest hope/wish? that the one will be happy
13. Do you cook? occasionally.
14. Current mood? happy.

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU...

1. Kissed someone? nope
2. Sang? a small gig in my uni.
3. Listened to music? "butterfly" by Mraz in my car
4. Danced? no
5. Cried? no.
6. Liked someone you can't? haha. no

22 FIRSTS

1.Who was your first prom date? Pia lol
2. Who was your first roommate? don't have!
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? Sake
5. What was your first car? dont have
6. When did you go to your first funeral and viewing? not yet
8. Who was your first grade teacher? .......um...
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? im not sure... Hawaii?
10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? saya budak baik.
11. Who was your first Best Friend? Jiro.
12. Who is your best friend? Jiro. not here anymore though.
14. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? nobody.
15. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a Bridesmaid or groomsman? I've never been a bridesmaid before.
16. What's the first thing you did when you got up this morning? make sure this isn't a dream.
19. First tattoo or piercing? one on my left. when i was 9.
20. First celebrity crush? i know that celebs don't really exist.
22. First crush? dunno?


my father is back from J-land. might go movie with him...

hari ini, saya cakap tentang NINJA di klas bahasa kabansaan.

my sense of control damn geng one

my ankles were kind of screwed after training today.

so when i hobbled and sat down in my dark room,
after a long shower.
i grabbed the nearest fluffy mousepad,
and lobbed it at the switch.

I see the light! i didin't have to walk to the switch. hoorah!


but my mom was like "fucking hell, pick that shit up" so i had to walk a longer distance.
(no, she didint actually say that. but her tone of voice surpasses the above exclamations)



lesson learnt-

perhaps keep a long stick in my room.

swing which way

lecturer- "would you call 2 men living in a house a family?"

students- "yes. father and son, brothers etc"

lecturer- "heheheh! no, not that, you know what i mean! heheheh!"


weird people become lecturers.

wrong is right until you know its wrong.

berenang

2 bronze 1 silver.

not so bad for a guy who quit swimming 2 years ago...
but why is it that i am faster then when i was actually training?

my life is filled with irony. I should have a book written with me in it, innit?

nervous system facts

while researching about Spinal Cord Injury (for a topic-based problem-solving discussion classes called PBL for my uni), i came across some interesting stuff.

there is a thing called spinal shock, right after a spinal cord injury.
lets say a flying bike hits you on the back while you were casually walking down the pavement in central London.
the first thing that happens after you get your back bone fractured and central nervous system interrupted, is the spinal shock.

spinal shock comes in various stages.
firstly, you will be paralyzed from below the site of injury. so your legs, thighs and some area of your torso will be numb and unmoving. added to that, there will be no reflex. even if someone decides to thumb-tack your feet, you will have no movement whatsoever.
this is due to the cutting off of nervous impulse from the brain and i will not go into detail. whatever. its all that medical shit that is all boring for you.


after one day or so, the nerve cells starts regenerating at the site of injury, and some reflexes return.
the first reflex to reappear is 'Polysynaptic' in nature, which means lots of synapses are involved.



and here comes the interesting part.



a very famous example of a polysynaptic reflex arc is called a Bulbocavernosus reflex.

some of us can test the reflex.

it involves monitoring anal sphincter contraction in response to squeezing the glans penis or tugging on an indwelling Foley catheter.

which means, you squeeze the tip of your penis, your ass-hole gets tighter.


or, the floey catheter business means when you have a tube up your penis to transfer out urine, you tug it. (ouch) and your ass tightens.


guys should try this.


it works.

my happy birthday

so many people wished me happy birthday that i was constantly made happier and happier today.

after lecture today, the whole batch of 300 ME109 sang "happy birthday" for me, and it was quite an experience... although we were given "age and decay process" lecture just before that "happy birthday".

some people wished me "happy decay process" too. thanks for that, too. hopefully its more like fermentation than a DECAY but time is inevitable, although subjective.



...im not buying the yearbook. someone show me afterward okay.

oh yeah its my birthday.

i forget.

rock-out

IMU has a music room in the student lounge.

its simply KICK-ASS to be able to use the studio for free(and shread my guitar), and to find new friends who plays music.

simply FANTASTIC.

i might perform at the end of the month, but i have taekwondo tournament as well. hmm.

i was busy

..but i still have time for "me-time".

5260

Edexcel

i went to HELP today.

do i look that skinny? i never realized. haven't seen the mirror in ages...


anyway. my purpose of the visit was to get my A-level results, which was crying in the corner of the tray since it thought the owner forgot about him.

thanks amelia for answering my SMS.

so, i looked at my A-level semi-official result slip.

economics 1 - 81/90
2 - 75/120
3 - 63/90
i guess i get a B for econs. :(

english literature.

now, i was pretty confident i would get a fairly high mark for english literature. i mean, who dosen't want world peace and who dosen't find baby rap NEW?

EngLit 1 - 63/90

ohw... i guess A-level examiners lack a sense of humour.

Englit 2 - 54/90

ohw... i guess A-level examiners thinks world peace should be fed to dogs.



now, i expect a 0/90 for TFA. afterall, i never brought the bloody book even though its an open-freaking-book exam, and i did not make any referance to the book, wrote bullshit like "Wrestling is important for african people. it really is. they have nothing else to do other than shoot people by accident or chop kids' head off" or something like that.

Englit 4 - 90/90

(I'll give you a scanned copy if you want.)


Conclusion- Alevel is a load of crap.


or maybe they have a perfect sense of humour.

"Oh, look, this kid is AS-ing it. lets give him a full-mark for unit 4 to piss him off."

i don't believe this. honestly.

categories

my friends always find me an interesting new category to put me in.

my dear friend sometime ago said i was good at "Pessimistic Resignation", (its actually optimism at its ultimate strength, for me)

and now people say i am a "Super-socialistic Loner".

apparently everyone sees me running around uni by my self all the time (which is very true) but at the same time, somehow everyone knows me.

Uni is like a real-life facebook. people invite to join any group possible, and just like in the internet facebook, i don't join any. people tend to be friends whom we just smile and wave to, too.


5192

change

I actually study nowadays.

i mean, to be honest, i've never been able to sit down quietly in a quiet library and quietly take mental notes while quietly scribble down important points onto a little notebook.

but now i do.

its funny how the condition of the surroundings could affect a human being.


the library is a scary place. i almost pissed myself when i saw books 10 times as thick as the greatest hit fantasy book in the world (bible) and saw the content.
everything i see in the library is unforeseen, including the loud silence and the loud presence of people who are radiating out a disturbing amount of "Study Aura".


its just sort of scary that i can be conditioned to study.
I used to think i was mentally incapable of doing so.



i need to go pick up my A-level results but i cannot be bothered.

spread

google chrome is pretty fast. i did not like firefox due to its speed but perhaps i like using chrome.



my mom has flu.

its been like the first time in 5 years. she always gets food poisoning but never flu.

i've gone to KLCC, bought some cough syrup and watermelon and ginger (which i will explain in a short while) and Vick's mint-spreads.

i went home and made some ginger-honey tea coz apparently it works for sore-throat. (according to japanese people)

but the ginger i bought was not the kind we use but some random "yellow ginger" which tastes exacly like a carrot although the conventional ginger we eat.
the yellow stuff sticks everywhere and it doesn't come off. and my tea tastes like sweet raw carrots.

and the honey i used were those kinds where its like, direct cut-outs of honeycombs so the beeswax is stuck on the pot and there is a thin layer of wax on the upper layer of the pot.

i drank most of it myself.

medicine jokes.

this is a conversation we have after lectures.
(italics - my friend)

"Too straight not so good one ah"
"Uh-huh. bad for the heart. causes arterioscherosis."
"must have kinks one mah"
"yes. must be kinky."
"haha. more kinky better lor"
"yes. more kinky the better. too straight not good."
"haha. especially three carbons away from the methyl group lor"
"yes. omega-3 kinkiness. haha."

*We're talking about triglycerides.*
its funny for medicine people.

IT IS.

still in holiday

hello people.

I just came back from redang.
a diving holiday.

"But you just had your holiday! Cambodia and all!?"

well, lets just say my life is awesome that way. I even skipped classes on friday. i'm such a bad boy.
I was tempted to beat myself up (no, i don't have a tendency to hurt myself, its just that nobody does that for me. i need a girlfriend who practises casual violence with enthusiasm.) but i refrained.



purraps i'll update sometime later.

5002

going to redang for 3 days.

ciao!

getting used to murder

its been 2 weeks of university, and its already looking mundane.

shit.

sweet slumbers

during the long weekend which i so longed for, i was doing one thing;

sleep.

and just that.

i need rest!


buut now i need to research about blood clot. for a group discussion with a prof. (gasp!)

orientation week for IMU, has ended.

it was a hectic week. almost everyday i was back at like 11:30 or later at night, and there was always something rightahead that we had to sort out. we had 4 sketches in total, did tonnes of prop-making, dozens of improvisations (especially me) and lots of fever.

i'm tired.

it WAS crazy.

fuck you.

i've been sick for 4 days. IMU fever.

notice

in addition to the latest post, i've updated the earlier posts.

my mom tried to make me look like one of the teletubbies.

result.

4thday.

i came home pretty early for once, and i am watching teletubbies.

this is not because i come to share similar minds with the criminally fucked-up mind of the creater of teletubbies, but as we (my orientation group) were given the task of creating a sketch of teletubbies, dancing to disturbia.

i'm going to be Po, i think, the red one.
im going to ride into the stage with a bike, and fall over with high velocity, and trip mightily again due to stretegically placed banana peel.
I'm going to break into a breakdance, as soon as "Disturbia" starts.

the others,

Tinkywinky - the purple GAY one, with handbag. catwalk.
Lala - Orenge one. has huge bum.
Tipsy - actually "Dipsy" but he's going to be holding a bottle of alcohol. Yellow.

disturbia indeed.
we're going to don an oversized T-shirt filled with pillows, and try to have some tights (or spandex) down. a kind of a juxtaposition.

the 2nd task, is Britney Spears in a remote Chinese village.




by today, everytime i meet a new person, they go "ohhhhhh. so you're the one" rather than "nice to meet you".

3rd day

just got home. can you believe? from 8oclock....

keywords for later.

wet icebreaker
eggs
macha gang
senior oos
big boss seniors
team members awesome
first day friends became....
became known to the school as...
our group cheer
planning for Dress code

i am pretty tired. sorry guys for the non-update.

-update-
so today was the day for ice-breakers.
we had dry, and wet ice-breakers.

our team actually was pretty awesome in terms of teamwork and enthu.
in the dry ice-breakers, we were cheer-fighting with one other team, (which happened to be lead by Bryan, the first-day-friend) and we completely won.

Actually i distracted them greatly before they cheer by going "COME ON YOU SHITS BRING IT ON" and did a frontflip. they were mortified.

ok, they were a lot more happening but i cannot really remember so i will go on to wet ice-breaker.

we move on to the basement parking lot, where its wet. the fire hoses are released, and we're drenched, egged, painted, sprayed, corn-syrupped, and all the other nasty stuff.
we had to dig into oily and cold water for scrabble pieces for a long scientific jargon, and play balloon-passing and stuff.

there is this thing called the macha gang in IMU. its basically a group consisting of a singular race, and they do all the nasty stuff. they come to the girls and personally torture them by painting their faces with corn-syrup, covering them with flour etc.
so when they came over to our group, the girls showed great discomfort and fear, and that is when i showed them my "BULLY ME" sign at the back side of my tag to direct attention to me, rather than my team-mates.

so they made me swim in the car-park floor filled with eggs and corn-syrup, but this is nothing really. they asked for front-crawl and backstroke so i did butterfly too to make them happy.

our seniors took this really seriously and got really scared, and stopped the macha gang halfway.

"why do you have to be so crazy...."

i think im going to be known as the same thing in uni as well... "the crazy japanese".

2nd day of IMU

the orientation begins!

woah, too tired to write... being a leader of group of 23 is sure pretty tiring...

medicine people are too quiet. they're more of a ninja than me. when i turn around, i almost feel isolated in a room full of people.

anyway, will update later. seriously knackered.

-update-

yes. the orientation begun, and we were sorted into random groups. there were 23 in my group, almost all younger than me. so naturally i was not nervous (they're kids. what is there to be afraid) so i volunteered to be the group leader while others sat motionless. they clapped actually, but that was it.

and we decided on our team name, tag, flag and cheer.
we were the 4th group, and so we named ourself the "Forbidden Fortress". our Flag is a Padlock, to signify a "Forbidden"cy, and our tags are little yellow keys with our names on.

our cheer goes like this;
(rhythm of "we will rock you")
I'm SEXY!
I'm HOT!
I'm everything you're not.
So why don't you just walk away,
and train your muscles than we say.
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, (Ohhhhhhhh)
C'mon, Forbidden, Fo-Fo-Forbidden
Fo, fobidden, Fo-fo-forbidden (fortress!)
whoo whoo whoo.

you know, you might be sitting infront of the computer gaping at our literally limitless (i mean, how can you possibly be lamer than that?) but you try coming out with a team name, tag, flag and cheer in 3 hours. and you have to consider 23 people's ideas.

I already had ideas to give hell to the seniors, but they turned out to be very nice people. they helped us greatly in our ideas and proceedings.

4771

first day at IMU

registration went pretty smoothly only for me, thanks for my fast movement and the skill of "asking seniors where to go". the new kids (it sounds funny me saying this) are nervous (me not included) bunch of nerds (me included) who just wonder where they're supposed to go and follow others like a sheep.

there were around 300 people in the registration, first we had to gather at level 4, an open area to sort of collect our lab-coats. i was size M. some people were shorter than me. fwee.

than we had to go to this auditorium, which looks like a coloseum, so i chose the front-most seat nearest to the exit just in case we're going to be matched against a raging patient, or psycho senior. whatever.
the rest of the normal people filled up the seats from the back, so for a while i felt pretty radioactive yet again, till one or two decided to sit infront, and later out of inevitability, sat in the few open spaces in the front.
then there were coma-inducing (well actually its not so bad. just that students NEVER, listen to speeches. would you?) speeches, we had to actually put on our fresh lab-coats to swear an oath, that we'll be professional, caring, integrated, secret-keeping, competent doctors. i wonder how much of us really get to become one.

I made friends with this dude from cheras, called Bryan (i think) and JiaWei, from Singapore.
Bryan kept little notes while he was listening to the speech, and i was like hmm impressive. he can actually listen to speeches, and i looked into his little notebook and it said "Prof. so-and-so - complete nerd". i had to agree.

we talked a bit while waiting for other sloggering newbies filling up.
Bryan says he were backpacking around NZland till pretty recently, and we talked about suicide in Singapore. (i think this was before JiaWei took seat next to Bryan). and you know i'm a professional when it comes to stress and suicide in countries where stress is compulsury. Apparently his brother's friend decided to throw himself down a tall building in Singapore while working there.
i never told him i wanted to go to NUS. Bryan was working there for 3 months and says he never wants to go back.

Bryan seems to be frank. "oh its a negro.", "Do you see any hot chicks?"
JiaWei is a pretty quiet guy. He's from Singapore and is pretty nervous about coming to KL. we should help him out somehow.

as a matter of fact and for the record, i didint quite see any pretty newbies. and I think the girls were thinking likewise for the guys. I can almost hear them grimace.
its not only HELP, guys. good looking people are probably already gone outside, or you really see them in TV and no place else.
that, or Medicine isn't really a good-looking people profession.
I told Bryan "I think there would be in the Artsy side. English lit, graphic design maybe." (to be honest i could say "everything apart from med" but i were more diplomatic)

and we had to queue up to get their photos and IDs done. people are so slow. they never want to walk infront of anyone... sheeps.
so i took the advantage of being shameless and reckless, settled everything before everyone else, asked the staffs if its alright if i fuck off. they said YES.

the parking was free!

went to HELP just to say hi and wish people happy birthday, with my nerdy new cloths.
i didn't expect people to scream like they thought i was runover by a truck few weeks back and thought to be lying at a distant ICU, though.


looking at the timetable, orientation won't be quite crazy... just boring. but well there is always hope.

from outside the current.

we never really grasp the concept of things, when we're right in the middle of it.
just like how we don't know anything about the universe, or the earth,
just like how parents don't know anything about parenting,
just like how we don't know how to be human when we're one (hopefully)
just like how we don't know anything about the reality while we're flowing right in the middle of it.

(i will digress about this, later)

so i guess i would be better off thinking about university while i am still not in university.

i guess university will be a place to learn, still yet, after all the GCSE and A-level business.
i really don't mind studying, and furthermore, when i think about my course specifically, i guess the things i learn will be fairly practical.
perhaps this will be interesting and quite tiring in the same time.
because everything i learn would contribute somehow to my future career, and every flaw in my knowledge may mean one less life saved.

maybe this applies to everything, because in my opinion, no knowledge is useless knowledge.

well, but the things i may learn in university will be quite convincing, in that way.
dangerously convincing. when something is convincing, it has a high probability it may be fake.
I'd have to keep asking myself whether i am learning the right things,
whether each and every aspect are there for the sake of efficiency and not convenience, etc.

i guess i would face politics. especially in the final years where we may have to suck up to profs.
that, i may have no problem. i am neither exceptionally bright as to invoke jealousy from them nor too dim to get them frustrated.

i guess i won't have friends. only competitors and mutual benefit people.
although... there is no such thing as friends without mutual benefit.

i just have to work hard. find joy in tortures and befriend stress.
no-problem-o.


(digression)


because we don't really grasp nor realise what things are while we're in the middle of things,
we cannot really figure out life while we are alive. so in a way, it is half-futile to think of life as we live.
we'll be too busy living, and thinking about life will be a leisure we cannot afford.

but perhaps thinking about it may steer us closer to walking on the path we'd like to choose.
sort of like holding a torch-light.


once we die, perhaps we would be given a time to reconsider our paths that we've walked upon,
and because we're away from life, we're given a different perspective and a clearer picture.

hence we would be forever suffering for the regrets of what we have done wrong, or be rewarded for what we did right.
that, perhaps, would be a perfect picture of heaven and hell.

but this is just imagination.
pfft. nonsensical crazy talk.
its what crackheads and religious monks talk about.

perhaps i should get some children to comment about parenthood and compile them, make it into a book.
a new concept, no?

or let prisoners talk of freedom.
that would be fun.

(end of digression)

dimension negative one.

perhaps it is time now,

to explain the meaning of the title of this blog.
yes. they were meant to be one,
and yes, i was intending to continue this blog.

you'll see in a second.



obviously the title says "Dimension negative one".
well this meant the 3rd dimension.

which is weird,
in a sense that we all are effectively 4-th dimension beings,
because we live in this unrelenting flow of the cold current that is time,
and without time we cannot exist.

the reason my blog title is "dimension negative one", is because I will be a being with which will
hopefully live in a small corner of your memory of your past,
your continuous memory of each slide-shows of 3-d images.

so practically, i am a being that is one dimension behind all of you.



...or, i will be in a dimension something else than all of you,
but i will not make myself superior to any of you,
considering my Japanese reserved manner.


(all of you sweet people who would say "nooo you won't be a person of the past",
well, thank you, but trust me when you get to UK,
you'll consider everything something of a past. and most of your friends will be in UK.)



I had this idea back when i was starting the new year together with all of you.
I already knew back than that i will leave half-way, so.
(although, i really thought it will be very casual. "oh he's gone", kind of thing)



so here went the etymology, of this blog.

I'm pretty happy how it turned out, I'm really happy that people commented, and I've been super happy from the start till the end of the 2 oh-so-short semesters.
and I will try and continue to remind people of myself by posting little fragments of my life.

starting from 23rd of Feb.

see me thrash all the med-kids.
I'm going to scare the shit out of them.

4665

bang, and it comes into existance

... and this marks the 200th post.




what shall i say?



from the beginning of this year, i've stepped into the unforeseen territory that is the arts sector of the world, where i've looked from outside with the eyes of interest, fear, disdain and awe.



i am not regretting my choice of "wasting" my precious, precious final year of my teenage, where i could have started my university.

actually, i think it was the best choice i ever took in my entire life.



i was able to meet various people....
sophisticated people, intelligent people, funny people, kind people, good people, and all of them has inside them which i cannot express by meagre diction.

i think i have become a different person from last year, and it was a great improvement.

all of you had made me what i am now, and it was all of you whom i wanted to become.
each and every one of you have something beautiful which i could secretly adore and learn from it, and although i can never be as good as each of you are, i was happy just to be near, witnessing all that great stuff you had.

those memories which i was privileged to share with all of you
will be the strongest fuel to which i will need,
to drive myself further through the thick fog that is my future.
i will cherish each and every piece of that.
it is what would shine a way for me when i am lost,
and warm me, when i am cold and tired.

the knowledge i had acquired will be used forever as i live,
as it has set its root in my mind and it grows like a tree.
it will grow until it would provide a shade for other plants, and other trees to compete with.
with those trees growing tall, i will be able to climb and look further,
where normally people of my kind, would not be able to.

the friends i made, i would like to keep.
i am bad at keeping things, i lose everything.
but i am now motivated to change.
because you are all that precious to me,
and although i may have the chance to be rich,
i know money cannot buy such things that are most precious to men.



i thank all of you.



i do realise it sounds like a hyperbole, but it really is what i feel and think.
i think like this all the time, actually. just too bloody embarrassed to talk like this.
now you see why i am so quiet.





-------------------------------------

and this is how i end my blog.

4313.

a clean ending.

-------------------------------------

someone told me that goodbye wasn't quite emotional enough so here goes.

will you miss me? well...
don't.
because i will miss all of you.
and there isn't really such thing as a mutual feeling.



see i am proving my soul-less-ness once again. haha.



-------------------------------

4310
secrets should be kept a secret in order for life to be interesting.

but i cannot believe nobody figured it out. i mean, guys, its right there. and its damned obvious.
-------------------------------

over.

some people may have noticed, that i write less dream-post nowadays.
those people mainly being me, myself, my imaginary friend, and me.
it is not because i dream less often; I dream almost everyday.

however, there is a category of dream which i rather not write about.
those dreams are;

possible deja-vu's
dreams which include friends
dreams which include my past.

as for the possible deja-vu, the dream is just a scene, -like a photo, just flashing in my mind, once.
and the rest is just brief darkness, and I wake up.
sometimes the place is unforeseen, and sometimes its farmiliar but with... difference.
I would realise it is indeed a deja-vu, when i come across that scene, in real life, for a brief second.
its a funny feeling.

as for the dreams with friends, i just prefer not to tell or write, because it might influence the minds of those who were unfortunate enough to appear or be casted in my dreams.

dreams which includes my past, is... well, are mostly either kind of frustrating since i wasn't good at everything i do than now, or kind of boring because i remember everything anyway.

so yesh.

------------------------------------------------
my exam is ovah. now i can study just purely for my entertainment, not because i have to.
------------------------------------------------

bye, people.
good bye and good luck.
i'll make this brief, so it won't be so difficult on myself. haha.
afterall, i've made all the emotional bit here

-----------------------------------------------

4293 <- this is the total amont of people who visited this blog.
scroll down and you'll see a counter.

sit for

i just sat my sats (subject tests), and after that a hot date.
her name is Slumber. we meet everyday and i can't live without her.
so I just cannot seem to concentrate to study for unit4 economics...
thats why i escape reality by coming here and wasting time





oh yeah, i have put something on the SAT paper.
it was like a certification thing, where i'd have to write "I confirm that I am actually taking this exam" in my own handwriting and sign it, because photos/looks are deceiving apparently. Especially in the US.
how unique a writing can be? especially if you write like Jason.
so i wrote "(I think, therefore) I am, taking the SAT Subject tests"

i wonder if the Examiner would know where's it from.
i wonder if they even read that.

they may think "this guy is somehow not sure of his identity" and cancel my marks. hmm. that'll be bad.
i should really do this when i have earned the money to take those tests.
but
OH WELL!

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im getting fat. i need to re-start exercising after Monday

4224

thoughts about reading

Why do we read books?

I personally find books like "10ways to improve your life" seriousely "bloody boring", as I wrote honestly in my english literature poetry essay.

don't tell me what to do, kind of thing.
because i know i realise i am kind of failing at it, and most of the things they say are bloody obvious anyway.
I like to read books that are somewhat vague in meaning, well, poetry included, but books are better because you don't need to actually analyse them. it comes somewhat more naturally, to me.

I feel its similar to looking at the mirror,
in the sense that we are having a peek inside our own minds as we read a particular book.

because its pretty difficult to know what we look like phisically, we have a thing called a mirror.
its pretty difficult to see what we think about mentally, we read books. some write books for a better understanding of their own mind.
perhaps when i get old, i'll be repulsed by my own reflection of my mind
I came to this conclusion because when i have a habit of writing down things I recently thought about, (mainly to here), I started to realise that things that speak itself out from a book, are things which are already in the corner of my mind.

I was pretty shocked to read "After dark" when it had some referance of memory being a fuel to live on, which was something I thought about quite a while ago.

(i just looked back, it said "hopes, dreams, and joys of my younger days" as a fuel to "re-fuel" when "we're tired". close enough)

anyway, those things, that come jumping out of books and I go "woah", basically they're all my reserved thoughts that's locked in old cupboards or left untouched inbetween the sofa and the wall, of the little dusty room that is my mind.

so whenever i find any book boring, I must be boring. so far, i've managed to think all the books (except ofcourse the self-help books.) pretty interesting so i guess im still okay.
i want to burn them. i see them all the time in the bookstore
but its kind of funny how when i go to a bookstore, i somehow take that self-help books and glance thru it. (and think, "boring", or "obvious?")
maybe i think i need help

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5 more posts to 200posts on this blog. I scare myself sometimes. who writes on blogs so much?
perhaps i have nobody to talk to apart from "dear diary"

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4173

as love breeze past people

In the summer,
there are fields filled with ripe rice, and they stand swaying in the warm air, soft and golden.

and than they sing, as the breeze passes thru them, touching them equally and gently.
the rice sings as they slide past each other.

its nice, because when this happens, you could actually see the breeze itself; as it engraves its own shape as it lies on the vast carpet of rice-field.

its an honest sort of acceptance, between the breeze and each individual rice plant.
I never fail to go walk by those fields in Japan, whenever i go back,
to see just that.

things like that are seen best when you are not within the field, but standing alongside the field.

because when you stand within the rice, you realise in disappointment the breeze will not touch you as it touches the rice.

things like this, though, is seen not just in rural places (like where i lived in japan)

i see it sometimes around in the cities.

when two people sit alongside each other,
and one places its head on the other's shoulder.

it is always nice to see people in love.

you don't realise all their problems, all the inner conflicts, just nice to see.

perhaps even those rice have their own problems with the breeze?

i see them spaced out neatly in approximately 1.5 meter apart from each other, around the KLCC fountain at night.
its kind of funny.
they look like little plants carefully placed around the fountain, from afar.

i half hope they get wet.

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yes! i have another follower! :D

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4149

myriad

4 days till my last exam of my last A-levels. (seriously. this is going to be the last. i swear.)

but before that, i have SAT subjects tests, bio, chem, and physics. terrific.
the more i suffer the more i'd be happy. it won't be too long before i'd start whipping myself for pure entertainment, but perhaps when i really do, i should keep that to myself.

i'll have one day and a half to study Econs unit4...
or should i study? (Dex says if i were japanese i will, but to be honest... I have been living here longer than japan, i don't know if i am japanese enough to kill the laze in my head.)

and simultaneously,
the last day i'd see my friends.
hopefully i will leave with a smile on my face, as always.


4124

my opinion about friends and change

I was thinking of my friend.
the one who has been quite dead for some time.

he was a good guy. one of the best I've known, still.
he thought me many things, how to ride the bike in pitch-black night,
how to hoot like an awl, how to repair bikes, how to hold firecrackers without blowing yourself up,
and certainly what exactly a friend is, and how it feels, to lose one in the real sense.

he is selfish, in a way.

although he tought me many things and I to him, he still continues to affect me in my life,
i can't affect him in his life.
for it reached a full-stop.
i cannot repay my gratitude, gratitude for his friendship.


an unanswered phone-call.


but his death made me think.

i think Everything, including us and our friends, will change.
but does that mean we move away from our friends, just like how galaxies move apart as the universe expands?
i actually think not now.

I used to think we were exactly like galaxies in the expanding universe.
everyone is isolated, and at the same time moving far from each other after they meet by pure chance.

his death changed my point of view.

its almost as if I'd have drawn my own image of the universe, on a paper, and suddenly found out that if i would look at the paper, from sideways, it makes no difference to the thickness of the paper.
even though it is a 3-d model, looking in 4-d, everything pretty much stays the same in the 4th direction.



I now think, that just because friends don't speak anymore, for whatever reasons, death being one of them,
it still doesn't stop them from having a strong, unbreakable link in the past.
and that link, is enough to prove that friends are infact friends.

those links binds us so strongly to each other, and this world, so that we know where we are, and where each other may be.

although we change, move, and look at things in a different perspective,
our past stays the same, and it acts as an anchour to provide us with a vantage point.
sometimes, for us to pull ourself back to remember how it was in the past.


for, nobody remembers the past when they were alone.


I believe so,
because the moment I negate the past and all my links,
and all my friends i don't see anymore,
my dead friend would not be my friend anymore. it will just be a memory of past events.

which does not seem right for me.

He is forever young in my memory, and in my link of thoughts;
however I feel I am changing, and getting older every hour, every second,
and the scary part is that what i am feeling, is what exactly is happening.

But even though I may live for a hundred more years,
and completely change myself, inside and out, compaired to when we were together young,
I will never let go of my memory of my friend.
the presence of that strong link, is enough to revert me back to my yonug self, and smile at our misfortunes that we did.

so, my friend is still very much my friend, even though he is dead.
i don't see why people can manage to stop being good friends.
me and my friend don't speak to each other, we don't even see each other,
but he is still,
my dearest friend.


so i am not afraid to change anymore, i am not afraid to move forward.
for nothing can now change the fact that i have an awesome friend.


i hope my friends are not afraid of changing, and to see change in their friends.
so what, if you've changed.
so what, if they've changed.

such petty changes are uncomparable to the miracle that we are, in fact,
friends.


I don't even care if any of my friends decide to hate me;
they are still alive and i owe them a thanks for that.

here's to the examiner 2

• "the conflict Victor goes thru in the novel frankenstein is disturbing in the sense that he misses the point. he does not realise what the creature is asking for, (much like how i feel about this question, oops.) and instead, comes up with two totally self-centered answer. one, to create another miserable creature, and another, to neglect the creature yet again.
  it reflects the contemporary society in which Shelly was writing the novel, and perhaps this still reflects our modern society as well, and that is the reason we consider even studying this (long-winded) text."

• "Victor could have created an another male life-partner for the creature. if Walton's loneliness is resolved by Victor, why not? but no, Victor had to neglect the creature, not once, but twice."

• "basically, my view about this conflict is that i see this as Shelly posing the problem of us being unempathetic, and basically selfish.
  However, that could change. From you and me.
  (Give me an "A" and I swear, i'll contribute to World Peace.)
  Shelly proposed this possibility of men's retribution by Walton's rational decision; to go back to England."

me and my cool mum

my mom cut my hair.

so it looks more natural now. (sadly)

me and my cool mum

today, my mum saw some NHK programme about hairdo. (apparently)

and she bought me a hair-bleach that says "ultra-light bleach",
saying "why don't you try this, i'll apply it for you, i saw it all at this TV programme"

and I said "Okay"

so she started mixing all those stuff together, and started applying something that stung my eye a lot, while i read frankenstein.



next thing i know it was 20 minuites since i applied that bleach.



the result is pretty much...


"holy shit"



...but change is good. my mom likes it so... it... shouldn't... be... too... bad?

the point of being pointless

some things i wrote on econs.
"pasta may be normal good for us; but a necessity for Italians. the PED for it may be perfectly inelastic, but who cares about Italy"

"super-big tyres may be relatively uncostly compared to other factors that make up the cost of mining,like labour, vehicle maintenance, fuel, and bribery for the government to bend some rules (i am kidding)"


I am very positive about putting in some irrelevant stuff in exam-papers.

main reason being that it is purely for my own entertainment;most of the time, it is quite difficult to concentrate on something if you are not truly and absolutely interested to do so.
however, we must admit that sometimes we stop in the middle of exam and go brain-dead, and start pondering about meaning of life.

...perhaps not something as "deep" as "meaning of life", but maybe the difference between a donut with a hole in the middle and a self-proclaimed "donut" which looks like a bun but with something in it, red-bean, for instance.

...which basically could be themed "the identity of donuts".

something unrelated to exam and what's in front of you, is what i'm trying to mean.

so, my solution to that was to put something personal - which may show YOUR views about stuff that is being asked-although you know that they are not asking for that.

it makes the whole thing more interesting, to think of something funny(although it is very difficult to come up with something that is genuinely funny)perhaps for the examiner to twitch, or better, smile.

so it is an incentive to keep at it, to keep turning the page, for me.

I need something in life that is totally irrelevant, too.
just like how i include reference to Pocahontas in Frankenstein essay, describe baby rappers in mother's womb in poetry, draw little pictures of little people supporting the chemical apparatus in a chemistry experimental theory paper, etc.

I could have something that would probably will not benefit me at all, but something i'd do just for kicks,

like posting totally meaningless blog posts, for instance.


3999

heres to the examiners.

some stuff i wrote in today's literature exam:

• poetry transcends race, culture, gender and perhaps even planets, because...
• the message Blake is trying to send is clear. If we were to paraphrase in a modern language, it would be "We're in deep shit. time to work something out"
• the persona takes the tone of a pleading one, (similar to that of how a wife would ask her husband how she would like a new ring, or a car. Failing that, she may go on to use Blake's method in "London" which is unrelenting and cruel.)
• the monosyllabic thumping of the poetic rhythm makes us feel that we're very close to the child, almost as if we are putting our ears onto the mother's womb to find the child rapping to the beat of its mother's heartbeats.
• I mean, have you read one of those 'self-help' books thats being placed in the book-stores? they are bloody boring. I learnt nothing from it, honestly speaking. on the other hand, poetry....

i am itching to know how I'd get graded for these.

3950

visiting and revisiting

There was a long, thin, tout rope, connected to nowhere, leading to nothing that i know of, horizontally across a vast empty space.

I was balancing myself, very steadily, ever carefully, and rather confidently, on the thin rope.This place was familiar. I have been here, once.

I notice a small presence.

It was a small boy, aged probably around 10, small for his age, thin, nervous, scared.
a very familiar face, one that i haven't seen
for a long time.

He seemed to be just managing to stay there, looking down at the empty abyss and trembling for the fear of falling.

I knew what to do.

"Its funny" I say to him, as he looks up and notice me."Life. we're all living alone in a very fragile place."

this is where i must speak to him.

"Every second, is a cliff-hanger, without us realising it. It could crumble to pieces any moment, given certain conditions, or simply if you're not careful. we usually don't realise we're walking on a very narrow road, where one strong wind, could easily blow us over."

The boy look at me, intently listening. He's a quiet one, always was.

"kind of like this place." I manage a 360-twirl on the rope, carefully balancing myself. I smile.
"We don't really have a choice, do we. there is only one path, which is the one you choose."
"the secret is, to walk."
"walk steadily, carefully, and confidently."

because, standing still will only create fear and imbalance.

"well, not like there is anything else we could do, could we?"

the boy took a step. now he is slightly, ever slightly, perhaps more so than the most subtle change in the flow of time.but certainly more careful, steady, and confident.

"good. you know, it scares me still. but you'll do just as well as me, when the time comes. its not a long time."

and you won't fall, at least for a decade. i think to myself.

than I vanish. the place is left with only the boy, silently taking each careful step, one at a time, and the rope, and the emptiness.

I wake up.

Like i said, I've been there in my dream before. I remember now.
It is somewhat similar to finding something long-forgotten in an old drawer that haven't caught attention by anyone till now.

I was 10, and uncertain about life.

then i had this dream, exactly the same place.
except that it was me who was the scared, unconfident and uncertain kid, and whom met the stranger on the rope.
kind of a familiar face, like an older brother i wish i had.

I never knew that he was me, that he was going to be me, or i was going to be him.

I guess he was right.

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I told myself not to touch this blog for at least 2 weeks and im back here in a week.but perhaps i should congratulate myself for actually staying away from this part of my realm for as long as a week.


3906

mirror, o mirror.

i was looking at the mirror.

i was looking back from the other side.

I? was looking at me, on this side of the mirror, with his? my? same-old expressionless face, straight into my... face.

i make a smile, and he? I? smiles back at me simultaneously.

suddenly, my? body moves aginst my will.
my? hand touches my brow, as the otherside, he...I?... touches his? brow.
he?I? touches my?his? hair, and i...? am forced to touch my? hair.

"my turn"
I am forced to say.

....or is it.... his.... vocal cords that is actually vibrating, and i... am only following the movement of his lips?



and i woke up. i am thankful i can move my body at my own will. or is it my own will?

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i think i should give my blog a rest, for about 2-3 weeks. I've been abusing it, constantly updating it for about 9 months now. everything in this world needs rest at some point. or else the sheer fatigue would cause it to faulter.


3792