The older he gets, the harder it gets. The more it sinks in that, while he will improve some, he will never be normal. He will always require assistance. My shred of hope is fading fast....
I don't want to get a full size van. It means that he gets an electric wheelchair. It means that he'll be in that chair for the rest of his life.... which will be shorter than mine.
He probably will not ever sit at the table and enjoy a nice meal with us. The most I hope for now is a few bites. Even that seems like a pie in the sky dream. The more we push him to eat, the harder he pushes back. I'm to the point of "why try?"
He will be 8 in April. 8 years of changing his diapers, making sure he gets his meds and his feedings on schedule. 8 years of hoping that he will eventually walk or talk. 8 years of therapy 3x/week.
8 years of the most loving little boy I have ever known... knowing I only have about 20 left...
11.03.2010
9.15.2010
5 1/2 months....
Really? How is that possible? Marcus is doing so many amazing things these days. He's talking like crazy, drooling on everything in sight and is such a social butterfly! When I look at him and think about his birth... I can totally see why the Duggars have 19 children. Could I do it? Not in a million years but I can completely see wanting to have that many. I absolutely love him and have nothing but feelings of joy and happiness when I think about his birth.
Ok, on to updates. He's still not quite loving solids but doing better with the therapy spoons. For now he's still pretty much just nursing which honestly isn't bothering me at all. I know I'll never get this time back. I wasn't sure I'd be able to breastfeed him at all after the reduction so the fact that I can... just makes me want to keep doing it until HE wants to stop. Sure, some nights it's slightly irksome that Adam can't feed him and let me sleep but then when he reaches up and grabs my finger while he's eating... I just melt. Every time.
Jeffrey: Well, we're doing better at kindergarten. We have implemented some tools that really seem to be helping. Sure we have the off day here and there but he really does seem to be getting a lot better. He's decided that he wants to do soccer in the spring (AH!) so it looks like we'll be even busier come that season.
Dillan: Oh, Dillan. It's so hard to watch him struggle. At the same time though, the constant struggle makes the triumphs (small as they may be) that much more exciting. He took 7 bites of food yesterday at therapy. 7!!!!!! That's HUGE!! We recently lost his main speech therapist that has worked with him since we moved here. That was hard. She's doing what she needs to do though and I can understand that. I do get sad though every time we head to speech therapy knowing that we won't see her. D's doing great in the gait trainer as well. The twister cables seem to be really helping! They're going to trial him in the electric chair again soon so that will be exciting as well! (This means a new van but we'll deal with that when the time comes.)
Adam: Well, fortunately it looks like he won't be deploying for a while. Unfortunately, he'll be gone for a week out of each month for a training position. That's ok though, I told him to rack up some serious frequent flier miles!
That's all for now!! I'll TRY to remember to post a 6 month update... Try being the operative word here... LOL!
Ok, on to updates. He's still not quite loving solids but doing better with the therapy spoons. For now he's still pretty much just nursing which honestly isn't bothering me at all. I know I'll never get this time back. I wasn't sure I'd be able to breastfeed him at all after the reduction so the fact that I can... just makes me want to keep doing it until HE wants to stop. Sure, some nights it's slightly irksome that Adam can't feed him and let me sleep but then when he reaches up and grabs my finger while he's eating... I just melt. Every time.
Jeffrey: Well, we're doing better at kindergarten. We have implemented some tools that really seem to be helping. Sure we have the off day here and there but he really does seem to be getting a lot better. He's decided that he wants to do soccer in the spring (AH!) so it looks like we'll be even busier come that season.
Dillan: Oh, Dillan. It's so hard to watch him struggle. At the same time though, the constant struggle makes the triumphs (small as they may be) that much more exciting. He took 7 bites of food yesterday at therapy. 7!!!!!! That's HUGE!! We recently lost his main speech therapist that has worked with him since we moved here. That was hard. She's doing what she needs to do though and I can understand that. I do get sad though every time we head to speech therapy knowing that we won't see her. D's doing great in the gait trainer as well. The twister cables seem to be really helping! They're going to trial him in the electric chair again soon so that will be exciting as well! (This means a new van but we'll deal with that when the time comes.)
Adam: Well, fortunately it looks like he won't be deploying for a while. Unfortunately, he'll be gone for a week out of each month for a training position. That's ok though, I told him to rack up some serious frequent flier miles!
That's all for now!! I'll TRY to remember to post a 6 month update... Try being the operative word here... LOL!
6.02.2010
I'm not supermom.
Up until tonight, I'd considered myself fairly capable of handling anything and being able to get everyone where they needed to be (mostly) on time.
Tonight I realized that this Saturday, I will fail.
There is no way to be Dillan's helper in his first baseball game, keep Jeffrey contained, keep Marcus happy AND get it on tape for Adam... and its that last part that's killing me.
I have to admit to myself that I CAN'T do it all.. and its devastating. I desperately want to make sure all of my ducks are lined up... at least the ones seen by the general public. Why is my best not enough in my own mind? Why is it perfectly acceptable to literally everyone else but not to myself? Why am I rambling on and on?
Why am I throwing myself a pity party with a guest list of 1?
*sigh*
Tonight I realized that this Saturday, I will fail.
There is no way to be Dillan's helper in his first baseball game, keep Jeffrey contained, keep Marcus happy AND get it on tape for Adam... and its that last part that's killing me.
I have to admit to myself that I CAN'T do it all.. and its devastating. I desperately want to make sure all of my ducks are lined up... at least the ones seen by the general public. Why is my best not enough in my own mind? Why is it perfectly acceptable to literally everyone else but not to myself? Why am I rambling on and on?
Why am I throwing myself a pity party with a guest list of 1?
*sigh*
4.16.2010
Marcus Dalton
3/30: 39 week appointment. I begged for any type of intervention… admit me, give me the antibiotic and break my water… do a foley catheter for forced cervical dilation… SOMETHING. Nope. Why? “Any intervention we do lowers your chance for success.” Fine. At this point I don’t care. Just please get him out! Dr. Rice says “Ok, I guarantee this will put you into labor. We’ll put you on the schedule for 41 weeks.” At this point, I can’t imagine going another 2 weeks. I go to my car and cry…
3/31: Ok, so time to spend some quality time with the birthing ball. Time to just relax and take comfort in the fact that, at most, I’ll only be pregnant for 2 more weeks. Chicken Nachos for dinner and I decided to listen to the hypnobirthing cd to help me relax so I can finally sleep.
4/1: 5:30 am I wake up to what I think are gas/intestinal pains. Tried to go to the bathroom to no avail. I can’t go back to sleep so I head downstairs to let the hubby sleep. At about 6:30 I realize that they’re much stronger and are about 6 minutes apart… apparently these are contractions! Hubby comes downstairs and we decide that we should still send the boys to school b/c who knows how long this is going to take? I called my best friend and asked her to pick Jeffrey up from preschool and be at the house to get Dillan off the bus that afternoon.
It’s at this point that I start getting a little concerned. I called my mother (8 hours away in Oklahoma) and told her that we were headed in and that if this wasn’t labor… just shoot me b/c this HURTS!
7am we put Dillan on the bus and I try to breathe through the contractions long enough to get Jeffrey to preschool. My mother is insisting that I not wait to take Jeffrey to preschool but really… what else am I supposed to do with him? So at 9am we take Jeffrey to school and head to the hospital. By this point ‘painful’ doesn’t even begin to describe how they feel. I can’t sit still during them and I’m BEGGING him to drive faster! Just GET ME THERE!
I finally remembered that I also needed to call and cancel Dillan’s therapy for that day… had to pass the phone off halfway through the call b/c I couldn’t do anything but scream and claw at the handle bar during the contractions that are now 3 minutes apart at best.
So… we get to the hospital. He drops me off at the front and goes to park the car. I had to stop between the outer and inner doors for a contraction… the people walking by looked more than slightly concerned. By the way, WHERE are the people that run out with the wheelchair like in the movies?? That would’ve been helpful.
So we get up to L&D and I inform them that I’m in labor. We’re buzzed in and checked into a room. Now, I’d already been up here twice the week before. Once for bleeding and once when I thought my water had broken. One of the nurses from a previous visit looked at me and said “well, you’re finally in labor!” I chuckled through another contraction. At this point I can’t even stand up during the contractions so changing was… interesting to say the least.
Its now 10 am and they’ve got me hooked up and want to check me. I believe my exact words were “if I’m not a 4, I don’t want to know.” I was 4cms and 90% effaced. Up until now I’d been 2 and 0%. This is real!! The nurse comes back from informing my doctor and informs me that I can have the epidural whenever I want it. I had originally wanted no pain meds.. I changed my mind. I said “let’s just get that now.” An hour later, at 11am, they came in to place the epidural. They (very nicely) decided to wait until after that was placed to check me again. Thank you!!
The epidural was so wonderful. I was not aware, however, that I’d still feel pressure. That wasn’t the most fun I’d ever had. Anywho, they check me again and I’m 6cms, 100% and bulging waters. 30 minutes after that, my water broke spontaneously. There was meconium present which (again) changed my birth preferences. After having my oldest come out grey and spend so long in the NICU… I requested that they make sure he was fine and suctioned out as soon as possible.
Around 12:30 the doctor decided that she’d like to place an internal pressure monitor to measure the pressure being put on my previous incisions. She went to place it and said “well, nevermind… you’re complete!” Um.. what?? My mom hasn’t had time to get here yet… This is my first vaginal delivery…don’t they take a long time? Apparently not for me. She had me do 1 test push and told me to stop and not push again. They started getting the room prepped and ready for the baby.
1pm the doctor (along with 20 other people) come in to the room to start pushing for real! There were nursing students along with their instructor, my nurse, the baby nurses, a NICU nurse just in case, the attending and resident and a couple of student doctors. Apparently vba2c’s aren’t that common. I remembered to ask them to place the mirror where I could see (which was fun to try and do around all those people) and I remember the resident commenting on how amazing it was that I’d dilated that quickly all by myself… w/no pit and my water breaking on its own.
Ladies, I pushed for 10 minutes and my little Marcus Dalton was born. All 9 pounds 1 ounce of him. He’s absolutely perfect and didn’t require any special attention b/c of the meconium. They kept saying that I was a good pusher and at one point I said “I don’t know what that MEANS” and they all laughed. It was an amazing delivery and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
The most amazing thing to me was that after I had him in my arms and was bfing him (within 5 minutes of delivery) I was offered a sandwich. I still can’t get over that. I ate while he was eating… then I looked around and remember thinking “ok… now what?”
Several nurses came in my room over the course of the day and commented on how lucky I was. I apparently had the ONLY doctor in the city that will allow vba2cs.
Marcus Dalton born 4/1 @ 1:16pm. 9lbs. 1oz. 21.5 inches long.
3/31: Ok, so time to spend some quality time with the birthing ball. Time to just relax and take comfort in the fact that, at most, I’ll only be pregnant for 2 more weeks. Chicken Nachos for dinner and I decided to listen to the hypnobirthing cd to help me relax so I can finally sleep.
4/1: 5:30 am I wake up to what I think are gas/intestinal pains. Tried to go to the bathroom to no avail. I can’t go back to sleep so I head downstairs to let the hubby sleep. At about 6:30 I realize that they’re much stronger and are about 6 minutes apart… apparently these are contractions! Hubby comes downstairs and we decide that we should still send the boys to school b/c who knows how long this is going to take? I called my best friend and asked her to pick Jeffrey up from preschool and be at the house to get Dillan off the bus that afternoon.
It’s at this point that I start getting a little concerned. I called my mother (8 hours away in Oklahoma) and told her that we were headed in and that if this wasn’t labor… just shoot me b/c this HURTS!
7am we put Dillan on the bus and I try to breathe through the contractions long enough to get Jeffrey to preschool. My mother is insisting that I not wait to take Jeffrey to preschool but really… what else am I supposed to do with him? So at 9am we take Jeffrey to school and head to the hospital. By this point ‘painful’ doesn’t even begin to describe how they feel. I can’t sit still during them and I’m BEGGING him to drive faster! Just GET ME THERE!
I finally remembered that I also needed to call and cancel Dillan’s therapy for that day… had to pass the phone off halfway through the call b/c I couldn’t do anything but scream and claw at the handle bar during the contractions that are now 3 minutes apart at best.
So… we get to the hospital. He drops me off at the front and goes to park the car. I had to stop between the outer and inner doors for a contraction… the people walking by looked more than slightly concerned. By the way, WHERE are the people that run out with the wheelchair like in the movies?? That would’ve been helpful.
So we get up to L&D and I inform them that I’m in labor. We’re buzzed in and checked into a room. Now, I’d already been up here twice the week before. Once for bleeding and once when I thought my water had broken. One of the nurses from a previous visit looked at me and said “well, you’re finally in labor!” I chuckled through another contraction. At this point I can’t even stand up during the contractions so changing was… interesting to say the least.
Its now 10 am and they’ve got me hooked up and want to check me. I believe my exact words were “if I’m not a 4, I don’t want to know.” I was 4cms and 90% effaced. Up until now I’d been 2 and 0%. This is real!! The nurse comes back from informing my doctor and informs me that I can have the epidural whenever I want it. I had originally wanted no pain meds.. I changed my mind. I said “let’s just get that now.” An hour later, at 11am, they came in to place the epidural. They (very nicely) decided to wait until after that was placed to check me again. Thank you!!
The epidural was so wonderful. I was not aware, however, that I’d still feel pressure. That wasn’t the most fun I’d ever had. Anywho, they check me again and I’m 6cms, 100% and bulging waters. 30 minutes after that, my water broke spontaneously. There was meconium present which (again) changed my birth preferences. After having my oldest come out grey and spend so long in the NICU… I requested that they make sure he was fine and suctioned out as soon as possible.
Around 12:30 the doctor decided that she’d like to place an internal pressure monitor to measure the pressure being put on my previous incisions. She went to place it and said “well, nevermind… you’re complete!” Um.. what?? My mom hasn’t had time to get here yet… This is my first vaginal delivery…don’t they take a long time? Apparently not for me. She had me do 1 test push and told me to stop and not push again. They started getting the room prepped and ready for the baby.
1pm the doctor (along with 20 other people) come in to the room to start pushing for real! There were nursing students along with their instructor, my nurse, the baby nurses, a NICU nurse just in case, the attending and resident and a couple of student doctors. Apparently vba2c’s aren’t that common. I remembered to ask them to place the mirror where I could see (which was fun to try and do around all those people) and I remember the resident commenting on how amazing it was that I’d dilated that quickly all by myself… w/no pit and my water breaking on its own.
Ladies, I pushed for 10 minutes and my little Marcus Dalton was born. All 9 pounds 1 ounce of him. He’s absolutely perfect and didn’t require any special attention b/c of the meconium. They kept saying that I was a good pusher and at one point I said “I don’t know what that MEANS” and they all laughed. It was an amazing delivery and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
The most amazing thing to me was that after I had him in my arms and was bfing him (within 5 minutes of delivery) I was offered a sandwich. I still can’t get over that. I ate while he was eating… then I looked around and remember thinking “ok… now what?”
Several nurses came in my room over the course of the day and commented on how lucky I was. I apparently had the ONLY doctor in the city that will allow vba2cs.
Marcus Dalton born 4/1 @ 1:16pm. 9lbs. 1oz. 21.5 inches long.
3.01.2010
I have been informed....
yet again, that I need to update. I know, I'm horrible about it.
Ok, so we got Dillan's speaking device. YAY!! Except for the fact that his school is being less that cooperative about the whole thing. I asked them what they'd like to see for pages and they said "well, just let us look at it first." So I sent it for a week and the case wasn't even opened. They're going to get a SERIOUS preggo smack down.
They've also decided to schedule his IEP review for March 18th. I will hopefully be in labor on the 18th or have a child by that point. Either way, sucky timing. Which means that Adam will have to do the meeting with me speaker phoned in for funsies. Sheesh.
Jeffrey melts me. Tonight he laid out his blanket on the living room floor. He then proceeded to make a picnic for all of us that included yogurt, ham, cheese, hot dogs and cookies. We all sat down and ate the picnic while the soup I'd made for dinner was simmering. He really does the sweetest things at the most random times. He even said he loves his baby brother yesterday. I blubbered.
Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure this child is trying to bust out early. Which is unfortunate b/c the kid has NO NAME... blame Adam. If he weren't so darn PICKY, I would've chosen it months ago. But no. He seems to think he gets equal input.
Silly Adam.
Ok, so we got Dillan's speaking device. YAY!! Except for the fact that his school is being less that cooperative about the whole thing. I asked them what they'd like to see for pages and they said "well, just let us look at it first." So I sent it for a week and the case wasn't even opened. They're going to get a SERIOUS preggo smack down.
They've also decided to schedule his IEP review for March 18th. I will hopefully be in labor on the 18th or have a child by that point. Either way, sucky timing. Which means that Adam will have to do the meeting with me speaker phoned in for funsies. Sheesh.
Jeffrey melts me. Tonight he laid out his blanket on the living room floor. He then proceeded to make a picnic for all of us that included yogurt, ham, cheese, hot dogs and cookies. We all sat down and ate the picnic while the soup I'd made for dinner was simmering. He really does the sweetest things at the most random times. He even said he loves his baby brother yesterday. I blubbered.
Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure this child is trying to bust out early. Which is unfortunate b/c the kid has NO NAME... blame Adam. If he weren't so darn PICKY, I would've chosen it months ago. But no. He seems to think he gets equal input.
Silly Adam.
1.06.2010
Progress!!!
Dillan not only tasted chocolate pudding. He took full blown bites. He INITIATED the bites and he did NOT spit them out!!
This is huge. This is... unspeakably huge!!!
This is huge. This is... unspeakably huge!!!
1.04.2010
When the weather guy gives up.. you might as well too. The high for Thursday is zero. That's right.. ZERO!
Apparently today is Braxton Hicks day for me. Every time I get up, walk or go upstairs, they start. They're uncomfortable to say the least but they do go away. This is precisely what I need. It does make me incredibly thankful that Adam didn't have to go the training thing this month. He's really being quite fantastic this pregnancy.
We still have no clue what we're going to name this little man... we both like Gage but that's about as far as we've gotten.
Oh, MAJOR freakout the other day. I decided to go through Jeffrey's old baby clothes and sort out the sizes I'd need for the first few months. Guess what... I. Saved. NOTHING! I was crying like you wouldn't believe and will probably start again if I think about it much. I remember donating SOME baby clothing and all the gear but I sure thought I saved SOME of the outfits! Apparently I did not.
So I post my freakout on FB and people come to my rescue!! My cousin has graciously offered me anything and everything she has left over from her 2 boys and one of Dillan's therapists tell me she has clothes to donate to the cause as well. Now that that's taken care of perhaps I can relax again.
Perhaps.
Apparently today is Braxton Hicks day for me. Every time I get up, walk or go upstairs, they start. They're uncomfortable to say the least but they do go away. This is precisely what I need. It does make me incredibly thankful that Adam didn't have to go the training thing this month. He's really being quite fantastic this pregnancy.
We still have no clue what we're going to name this little man... we both like Gage but that's about as far as we've gotten.
Oh, MAJOR freakout the other day. I decided to go through Jeffrey's old baby clothes and sort out the sizes I'd need for the first few months. Guess what... I. Saved. NOTHING! I was crying like you wouldn't believe and will probably start again if I think about it much. I remember donating SOME baby clothing and all the gear but I sure thought I saved SOME of the outfits! Apparently I did not.
So I post my freakout on FB and people come to my rescue!! My cousin has graciously offered me anything and everything she has left over from her 2 boys and one of Dillan's therapists tell me she has clothes to donate to the cause as well. Now that that's taken care of perhaps I can relax again.
Perhaps.
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