this is my last post.

wolv.

numb

let me be. im cleaning this mess. my mess. the one that you created. honestly, i dont want to know about your chaos because you messed me up enough, it took so much for me to stay sane and i dont want you poking at it still. let me be. i clean up my mess. you clean up yours. you wanted this break, im treating it like one.

i know you still care for me and i do too. but space is what we both need right now. i told you, i naturally wait up in bed until i get some sign that you're back home safe. isnt that worry enough? your temper is as usual. thought it'd subside after all this.

i love you like no other, pls know that. i dont need assurance from you anymore, i just know it. and i'l know if it stops as well.

ravenous as ever, wolv.

after the storm..

i feel much better knowing that there are other things to look forward to.

i dont know about faith but im waiting for you.

qa.

i thought heartaches were fake. i thought wrong. you can really fucking feel it. like an invisible bruise.

qa.

ive been waiting all my life for you, im still in shock

i really really dont want to hurt anymore. i want to move on since staying here is just useless. move on to higher ground and wait for your ship to come. i want to live my life, to smile, to do things.

evil begone. i was never evil, its just that i always wanted to kill. never got around to it did i? i wouldnt say the fox is lucky, hell, this would probably do more damage.

hush now my love, everything will slow down.

wolv

nothing at all

compared to this, what ive handled the last 3 yrs was nothing.

qa

i am so angry at you. redirecting.

come back..

you're going to miss me.

when the night is silent and you cant hear anything but the beatbeatbeating of your heart against your ribcage, you're going to remember me. you're going to remember how my voice dropped to smoke when i was tired. the way i hesitated before diving, trembling even as i grabbed your hand and pulled us over the edge. the way i tried to filter what i was going to say but always ended up saying it regardless.

and when the moon whitewashes your walls, you're going to think of me. and when the stars dance between your curtains, you're going to wish for me. you're going to wish for soft kisses blooming around teeth biting your lower lip. for nervous smiles trailing behind greedy hands. for mischievous eyes as i lead you into madness, into incoherent, bubbling insanity. you're going to wish for time-stopping, heart-racing freedom, for our hearts galloping against one another, for steamed windows and silver-lined laughter shaking the walls.

when comets burn out in the galaxy, you're going to miss me.

i want to see you but i dont want to see you at the same time. i miss you so much but it'll just hurt if i see you. im at home, torn between wanting to text you or ignoring you completely. thing is, i dont know which is affecting my head more.

what does this break even fucking mean??? ok yes i get what its about BUT WHY THE FUCK MUST THIS HAPPEN.

no im not losing myself. you wont hear from me if i even come close to it.
i can take this. i'l make this a part of me. something i would never forget.

something i would never let go. something that'd fuel me, on and on and on.

and on...

ive been reading. my defense mechanism is not what ive known it to be. well my mistake, its just an assumption all this while. im not repressed. i project and displace. i blur the boundary between myself and others. i seek solace in fantasy in an attempt to numb the initial negativity. the thing is, projecting and displacing poses a danger because the reduction of stress can be so appealing that the defenses are maintained and become habitual. they can also be harmful if they become a person's primary mode of responding to problems. another conflicting point is, i lack the catharsis to conclude the displacement. ive got down my structure for projection. ive been doing it for years. i know my own design. my displacements are the ones that will make me or break me. design projection structure, displace design into something abstract.

my projection structure, my fantasy world right now is made up of you. right now, all i see is a blank white space and just you sitting down with a knife. projection is lost and i cant displace that world because its not structured. i want my design back. i want to fly again..

this is the most hurt ive felt for a very very long time.

i feel lost. i want you back love.

qa.

i expected this but i didnt know its gonna be this annoying. i said i will love you even if you bla bla bla. this situation falls right in that bla bla bla. it wont go away.

just dont forget to come home and clean the blood from my claws.

qa.