i need you but i dont know whether you need me as much
qa.
20100423
20100414
20100404
to you
i linger over the portrait of a grey dawn tracing a path across eyes that have finally closed, of a stillness that has fought its way to your door and tugged you under for the briefest of affairs and i recall too easily the dark of your irises that seem to lure me toward a depth i cannot hope to comprehend. and hadnt i always said that i feared the dark? hadnt i claimed to only court stargazers and fireflies, sunshine and joy? didnt i say i wouldnt walk the path less taken anymore, down twisting pine forests that grow so close even the moon cannot hope to illuminate their needles, not even enough of a spark to flicker in wolves' eyes? yes, i had said this, i had said that i'd locked the iron gates and swallowed that key, that those halls were better left condemned. yet here i stand upon the eves, upon the edge of that crevice and gazing down into the blackness, that tangible dark that eats away everything i thought i'd turned away from.
maybe i'm cursed.
its an affliction, you see, a disease like cancer that you cannot destroy by means of chemicals and radiation. you can only pull yourself away from the edge, draw yourself into the comfort of beauty and light and things with blunt teeth (dont you know they only hurt worse that way, love? they have to bite so much harder to part flesh) with each violent dose of medication, with each miracle they sing for you. but its still there, hiding in the corners, lurking and waiting for that second you let your heart ache, for that awful moment when you wake in the night and find yourself alone. the tentacles sink deeper, their hooks grip tighter as they rot away your senses, dulling the memory of why you should not stray from the lit path. it croons in siren songs, a honeyed lie that sends you reeling, sends you lunging into that darkness like all of hell is chasing after you.
but my darling, my sweet, dont you see? look at the pain there, that quiet sorrow. you could help, you know. you could reach out and wrap her in your arms and keep her safe from all the terrors in her nightmares. you could smother that anguish, destroy that torment…soothe the ache from her troubled heart. dont look at the darkness, dont believe what they say…
just look, sweetheart, look. its who you are, its who you've always been. it calls to you, calls to that horrible, terrible part you thought had been broken enough times, that part you thought was too bruised and beaten to keep going, to keep taking on more abuse. its a sinking ship love, and you're not bailing fast enough. just swallow the water and drown, it feels so good when you're sinking.
31/03/10
maybe i'm cursed.
its an affliction, you see, a disease like cancer that you cannot destroy by means of chemicals and radiation. you can only pull yourself away from the edge, draw yourself into the comfort of beauty and light and things with blunt teeth (dont you know they only hurt worse that way, love? they have to bite so much harder to part flesh) with each violent dose of medication, with each miracle they sing for you. but its still there, hiding in the corners, lurking and waiting for that second you let your heart ache, for that awful moment when you wake in the night and find yourself alone. the tentacles sink deeper, their hooks grip tighter as they rot away your senses, dulling the memory of why you should not stray from the lit path. it croons in siren songs, a honeyed lie that sends you reeling, sends you lunging into that darkness like all of hell is chasing after you.
but my darling, my sweet, dont you see? look at the pain there, that quiet sorrow. you could help, you know. you could reach out and wrap her in your arms and keep her safe from all the terrors in her nightmares. you could smother that anguish, destroy that torment…soothe the ache from her troubled heart. dont look at the darkness, dont believe what they say…
just look, sweetheart, look. its who you are, its who you've always been. it calls to you, calls to that horrible, terrible part you thought had been broken enough times, that part you thought was too bruised and beaten to keep going, to keep taking on more abuse. its a sinking ship love, and you're not bailing fast enough. just swallow the water and drown, it feels so good when you're sinking.
31/03/10
20100402
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