I Will Not Cry, I Will Not Cry.

I'm not referring to the devastating loss for Martha Coakley last night (that I have shed more than my share of tears over.) Rather right now I am I trying not to think about the fact that tomorrow morning I will be leaving my little man for our dream vacation for 11 days. Gulp. Vacation = Awesome. 11 days without the LM = Not Awesome.

I will not think about:

• the 11 "Good Morning Mama, I'm Awake!" calls I'll be missing.
• the 10 night spent rocking and singing to my little guy while we recap our day.
• the 15 kisses a day that my lips will be without.
• the 200+ new words that he will know and use by the time I return.
• the way he smells like honey when he gets out of the bath.
• the 300+ smiles a day that I my eyes won't be able to see (that's about 3000 smiles) Gulp.
• that sweet little voice screaming "I did it!!!!!" when he learns something new.
• the sound of the little pitter patter as he runs about 15 miles around my living room (*daily.)

I will not think about any of this, and I will not cry. Today at least. Nope, today I am going to enjoy almost every second I have with my little boy and I am going to keep re-reading this post from our trip last year where I wrote about how amazing our last trip was and how crazy I was to ever doubt not going. I have followed my own checklist and I keep reminding myself that this is going to be great for both of us. I'm sure by the time I hit the beach (after 36+ hours of travel) my tears surely will have dried up.

10 days without my little man may be doable, but 10 days without blogging? We all know that's not going to happen! I've been assured my 20 acre South Pacific island has internet so I'll be putting that signal to the test. I may not be here as often, but I will definitely be here with updates from our travels.

I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry. Oh, Fiji here we come.

Why Vote For Martha Coakley?

Here's are just a few reasons why not to vote for Scott Brown. Keith said it best.

Martha is a strong, qualified, and passionate woman. She has fought for, and will continue to fight for, the rights of EVERYONE in this state and for our Country at large. During these troubled times her leadership is exactly what we need and deserve.

Today is the day people. Vote, vote, vote!

My Favorite Picture (By A Landslide.)

A few weeks ago I was tagged by the über fabulous That Girl of Forty Not Out to share with the world my absolute favorite picture of all time. This one was an easy one for me.

Not taking into account the cuteness factor (seriously, I could just eat that little tush) this is my favorite picture because it captured one of the best days of my life. It was taken while I was on a trip to Costa Rica with my sister, my husband, and my little man (quite possibly my three favorite people.) It was near the end of our three week stay and we thought we would take the little man down to the tide pools to watch the sun set. You can't tell by the picture but at the time I was 8 weeks along with baby number two and blissfully unaware that the next week I would find out that I miscarried. IVF was wasn't even a blip on my radar (ahhhh those were the days!) The air was about 85 degrees and the water was even warmer. Considering the freezing rain falling outside right now, I can honestly say I would give almost anything to be back there right now. In short, it was a perfect day sealed with a perfect kiss.

Okay, now it's your turn girls. If you want to play along I nominate Julie Q, Grams, and The Missus to share your favorite picture. Nudity is not a must, unless of course you are a two year old!

I Don't See Any Other Choice.

Last night we made the decision to hold off our day five transfer until March, meaning any blastocysts that we have (I am still waiting on the number and praying for at least two) will be frozen and I have no hope or chance of getting pregnant for at least another 8 weeks. My doctor called me this morning to assure me that she was 100 percent in favor of my decision. Even now I'm not so sure. Yep, another bump in the road.

Long story long my hyperstimulation got pretty bad. I was on bed rest all week and went from being very uncomfortable to crying in pain and back. It went on like this until today when I finally woke up and felt somewhat like my old self again. I can finally walk the stairs without wincing in pain, and I was even able to take the LM to the bookstore. You have no idea how much of a difference a day truly made. In short I am almost back to my pre-retrieval self.

So why not go forward with the transfer you ask? The thing about hyperstimulation is that it never goes away, meaning that it we were to have a successful transfer of the embryos and I was pregnant, than I would again get sick. The kicker is that because hyperstimulation is estrogen controlled I would be ever worse than I was this week, for 8 whole weeks. This means months of bed rest and in the end I just didn't think it was fair to my little man to take away his Momma for so long. Had he not been in the picture I would have totally sucked it up and implanted, but obviously we don't have that option.

If we wait until March to do the transfer then I wont have the hyperstimulation and barring any other hiccup I should be able to have a completely "normal" and healthy pregnancy. Duh, right?Well, the problem is that in freezing my little blastocysts (120 cell embryos) there is not a 100 percent guarantee that they will survive, in fact it is 80. This means that theoretically if I only have 1 frozen and it doesn't survive, than in two months we will be in EXACTLY the same place we are now. We would have to do another round of injections, followed by another retrieval (where again I would be almost guaranteed to hyperstimulate) and then I would be looking a the same two months of bed rest and I will be kicking myself for having waited for months to again be faced with the exact same situation that I am in now. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

As I said I am currently waiting (aka climbing the walls) to see how many of my eggs made it to "blastocyst" status. If there are 2 I will know we absolutely made the right decision. If there is only one I sure as hell hope it's a strong one because I really need that baby to make it through the freeze.So that's it. I should be better in no time, my future spawn is on ice, and I'm looking forward to a significant amount of cocktails in Fiji, California, and Florida (the trips that I will be taking prior to the next implantation date.)

I'm still not sure if we made the right decision but really I don't see any other choice. I keep reminding myself that we are very lucky to have the LM and I am also very lucky to have my health. When you look at the devastation in Haiti and the tragic loss of life, how can I complain about a few extra months? So I won't. We are going to have to take what comes and not second guess ourselves. I will have this baby sooner rather than later. You hear that universe? I am going to have another baby so it's time you get with the program.

Kicking and Screaming.

Source

The last word that I would use to describe my personal style is the word "trendy." Sure I follow trends, and sometime accept them into my wardrobe, but generally I buy what I like and what looks good on me and if it happens to be "on trend" that is usually just an added bonus.

One trend I swore up and down that I would never ever, ever, ever (EVER) follow is the boyfriend jean. I know this style hit its peak this summer and pretty much every celebrity was seen wearing it. I could often be quoted as saying "why on earth would these girls want to wear something that just makes them look bigger, seriously am I missing something?" I thought it looked sloppy and less than fashionable. I kneel at the alter of the skinny jean, so for me this was a total style miss.

Fast forward 6 months and I take it ALL back. All of it. Every single word. Why? Because over the holiday season I bought my first pair of "boyfriend jeans" and just like with my first boyfriend, I am head over heels in love. Llllluuuuurrrrvvvveeee.

Why the switch? The truth is once I tried them on, I can't be paid to take them off. Ignoring the comfort factor, which is HUGE, these jeans are like magic. On a frame like mine they don't actually make me look bigger but rather they make me look smaller. It's like wearing a pair of sweats that miraculously sheds five pounds. Yes, I'll take 5.

I know that these are technically for Summer wear, but ever since my stomach has expanded 20 fold I have been rocking these babies all week and I couldn't be happier with my purchase. I'm pretty sure that these will be able to double as maternity jeans for at least the first two and 1/2 trimesters. You've got to love that. So I apologize Mr. Boyfriend Jeans trend, I never should have doubted you. See that bandwagon? Yep, I just jumped right on it.

My love of this trend does not mean that I am now trendy. You hear that Spring Clogs? I will never, ever, ever, ever wear clogs. Ever. Crap, I think I may have said this before.

p.s I got the ones Reese is wearing. They are by Earnest Sewn. Love them!

Nursery Mood Board.

Yesterday, after 4 hours of modified bed rest I thought I was losing my mind. I have never been one to sit still for very long and I have a feeling this week is going to be tougher than I thought. Tough, but completely worth it. Around hour 5 I found myself reverting back to one of my old favorite habits; designing baby number two's nursery.

I was completely inspired by the new adult bedding design that I saw in Serena and Lily's new catalog. When I found out that they will turn any of their fabrics into crib bedding? Um, sold! The best part? The nursery is eventually going to become our future guest room. So, as I told my husband last night, if I design this room around this bedding, and keep the accessories "child neutral" we will have a perfect and easy transition into a gorgeous adult room. All we would need is to purchase of a new bed, and switch out some artwork. Even he was keen on the idea. Miracles do happen!

When ever this next baby decides to grace us with its presence not only will I get the baby bedding but the adult as well. Then when we decide to put the kiddies together I will finally have the guest room of my dreams! (Yes, I do dream about this kind of stuff.)

I still have a few key pieces to find (a rug, curtains, artwork,) but I am already picturing myself sitting in this perfect room. Wow! Who knew you could get so much done just laying in bed. After a few months of this I'm pretty sure I could take over the world. That or at least get my house fully furnished!

Thank you all for your well wishes, and for those of you who gave me a much needed reality check. I'm staying positive that we still will be able to do the transfer but preparing myself for another two month wait. So long as my internet holds my sanity should remain intact as well!

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

Yesterday was my egg retrieval and things went pretty well. We retrieved 17 egglets and although I was very sleepy and sore the rest of the day I felt pretty good. That was yesterday.

Today I woke up in more pain than I had post surgery. My stomach is insanely "full" and I generally feel like crap. The obvious concern is that I am hyperstimulating which is the main concern with IVF and with the removal of as many eggs as I produced. My doctor is fairly concerned and has warned me that if it gets worse we may have to call off the transfer until next month (i.e. March.)

Are you freaking kidding me????? We've come this far and now I might have to wait even longer? Clearly I am being punished for something I did in my past life! Obviously this is not welcome news.

It's not over yet. I have been ordered to be on bed rest (which is somewhat possible, and as of now it will be movie day for the little man and I) and I am supposed to drink at least 120 ounces of Gatorade, Smart Water, and Coconut Water. That and salty foods. Right now I am chugging as much as I can of that disgusting green fluid.

I'm remaining hopeful that we can beat this thing. Until then I'll be drinking my weight in fluids. Have I expressed how ready I am for this all to be over?

A Baker's Dozen.

It's official! Sunday is the day that all of my potential future children are going to come out, and Wednesday or Friday is the day that ONE of them is going to go back in. Chance of success: 50.4 percent. Chance of twins: 2%. I can absolutely live with those odds. We went in for our pre-op appointment on Wednesday and I expected the meeting to be solely about the surgery, odds, complications, etc. What I did not expect was a meeting about the custody of our potential children. In one hour my husband and I made more than a few decisions regarding what will likely be 13 leftover frozen embryos after we implant the one. What I now refer to as my "baker's dozen."

We had to decide things like:

• Who gets the embryos if we divorce? (Me.)
• Who gets them if only one of us dies? (Surviving spouse.)
• Who gets them if we both die? (Science.) Although I considered leaving them to the LM in case someone wanted to make him a sibling, but that felt a bit odd.
• How many years will we pay to keep them? (5 which is the maximum.)
• What happens at the end of five years. We had options that even included a burial. (We again chose Science.)
• And how often we can move them (Once.)

I can't explain to you how bizarre it is to think about these kind of things. While I have no emotional attachment to these embryos, I do feel like we are in some way responsible for taking care of them for the next 5 years. Going into this process I was under the impression that every month I would have to redo all of these injections, and that every month I would have to have another procedure until we were successful. I thought that if down the road we wanted to have another baby we would again have to try for a year, do the whole Clomid/ injection game, followed by another trip down IVF lane. It turns out I was wrong. If this cycle fails, or if a few years from now we want baby number 3 (which by the way I now totally do,) then all we have to do is call up the doc, get some estrogen, and implant one of my frozen thirteen. From what it sounds like is the whole thing would take less time/ pain than a routine trip to the dentist.

I am not only elated by this, but also completely relaxed and relieved. Even if this cycle doesn't work (which I have a strong feeling it will) then all we have to do is re-implant in March, April, and so on. Insurance will cover me for 6 lifetime cycles so the odds are definitely in our favor for at least one more baby.

So that's that for now. We remove, implant, and then two weeks later (while we are in Fiji) I can take an at home pregnancy test and then when we get back confirm any results with a blood test. Clean and simple, just how baby making should be!

I must admit it is taking all of my willpower to resist naming them all. But...if I combine the Bradys with the Partridge family I think I can come up with thirteen names! Let's see there's Marsha...Jan...Cindy...Bobby. Hmmmm I may have just gone too far.

Yep, He's Definitely My Son.

Today the Little Man was playing with his new fireman that Santa was kind enough to bring him for Christmas this year. He spent a few minutes teaching him how to walk, sleep, and of course drive the fire truck. He then did something that let me know that he was definitely my son.

I looked over at him and asked him what "Mr. Fireman" was doing. He looked back at me with a serious look on his face and said, "Down Dog Mama."

I went in for a closer look, and my Little Man was right... Mr. Fireman was working on a perfect Down Dog. Maybe I should take this picture down to the local fire station, I'm sure those guys could use a good laugh. It might even inspire a new movement!

On Borrowed Time.

Now that the husband and I are pretty sure that we are going to "fall" pregnant within the next few months (we are retrieving 8 eggs Saturday, and implanting 1 on Tuesday or Thursday) all of a sudden we feel like we are living on borrowed time. We have spent the last 16 months focused on baby number two, and it just hit me that I may only have 9 months left to spend alone with baby number one, my Little Man.

This isn't necessarily a bad or good feeling, it just means that I am very (emphasis on very) eager to do everything I can with the LM before we are locked down again with an infant (aka grounded for the next two years.) Those of you with kids know that traveling with one toddler is a HELL of a lot easier than traveling with one toddler and one screaming baby. After some of the travels I had with my guy during his infancy I can assure you that baby number two is staying home with mom as long as is humanly possible. Like 18 years long. Okay, not quite that long, but at least for 18 months.

I spent the better part of yesterday and today planning trips for myself and my first born. Part of me thinks that this is because I want my little man to have as much fun as possible before our wings are clipped, and part of me really wants to get out of New England because I am already OVER the cold and sadly it is only January. So come February the Little Man and I are taking this show on the road.

We had so much fun in California in October I figured why not go back? 60 degree weather in February sure beats the sub zero temps that we are destined to have here. After California we will be flying directly to Orlando to meet my hubby who will be attending a conference near Disney World. A free 5 star resort minutes away from Mickey Mouse? Yeah, I'm there. I'm keeping us home March and April just in case we need to do more IVF but this Summer I plan to enjoy every minute with my ONE little guy. The Cape? You've got it. Another trip to Cali? Why not. We may even bring the little guy on a trip we had planned to Cartagena in July.

Hopefully we are living on borrowed time....

(Photo Credit: From Here)

Can't We Just Get Each Other Paper?

Disclaimer: File the following under TMI if you are getting bored with the fertility updates. I hope just as much as you do that soon this will be over and we can get back to the fun stuff. For now there isn't much else on my mind so I apologize in advance.

We all know that I am a bit of an overachiever. Well, it turns out that my eggs are as well. I am currently taking the lowest dose of medication and the goal was for me to produce 2-3 eggs. Right now I've got 6 "real" eggs, and about 22 that have the potential to grow, grow, grow. Robin and Steve = 28? I don't think so.

Needless to say we have opted for the switch to IVF where all 28 egglets will be removed and a small number which we will decide on tomorrow (1-2) will be re-implanted. The scheduling of this has been a nightmare to say the least. Thank god my back up sitter is able to come every day for the next week so on days like today where my 1/2 hour Dr. apt turned into 3 hour one, I don't have to worry about a screaming child. Of course the only day she can't come is on Saturday which is my likely egg retrieval day, but I'm sure we can figure something out. Saturday also happens to be my 6th anniversary. What am I giving my husband? 28 potential babies. What is he giving me? About 100,000 sperm. I think it would have been easier just to give each other paper or something.

Generally I feel fine. No real physical complications (except I can't go to the gym per the doc, I feel kind of "off," and my head is threatening to explode any minute, not to mention the two pounds that I magically put on overnight.) That being said, the injections and their side effects are the easy part.

What really sucks is all of the daily annoyances. Things like my insurance Co. deciding on the first day of 2010 to deny all my medications (this was reversed today after an angry call from my patient manager.) Or the fact that now I will have to try to find a place to get my blood drawn every day while we are in Fiji where we will be going "against medical advice" in two weeks (considering the 20 acre island we are staying on this may be easier said than done.) Or the fact that I can't even take a PG test because it will give a false positive...the list goes on and on.

What happened to the old fashioned way of having one to many drinks, a roll in the hay, and a few weeks later "OMG I'm preganant...I can't believe it?" Oh yeah, that shit only happens in the movies.

Happy anniversary baby...now pass the injection.

Let's See How I Do With This One.

Rather than making a laundry list of resolutions like I have done every other year, this year I have decided to keep things simple and manageable. I have one resolution; To Breathe.

This resolution revelation came to me in Saturday's yoga class when my favorite instructor, Ms. Emily Phillips, put her hands on my back and said "breathe in 2010, breathe out 2009." And just like that I did.

I know this concept seems simple but I can think of countless ways that this can help me in my life.

• As I have said before, I am severely lacking in my ability to be patient. Somehow I just didn't get that gene. I am extremely reactionary with my little man, my husband, my family, my contractors, and with the guy that cuts me off on the highway. I sometimes feel like I go from 0 to 60 in about 2 seconds (often in less time than that.) While I am not a yeller, I absolutely do get myself more worked up than typically is necessary. In turn I have noticed that those around me, ahem my little man, do the exact same thing. For the past few days before I react I have been trying to take a minute, take a deep breath, and then chose my course of action. I have already noticed a positive difference with my son, and in the environment around me.
• I think I need to take the time to appreciate where I am at more (aka breathe, relax, enjoy.) I am a total perfectionist which means that I am always striving for perfection. I did this in life, school, my career, my marriage, and with my son. While I recognize that there is no such thing as perfection, it hasn't stopped me from trying to achieve it. This exercise is not only exhausting but it is also futile. I need to take more time to appreciate what I have, what I have done to get here, and enjoy my life (which luckily for me happens to be the life that I have always wanted.) No more obsessing over what's next or what my next move is. This type of thinking has just made me feel restless. This year, this decade, I would like to live more in the now. No more living in the future, it will be here soon enough.
• I really need to breathe more in my yoga practice. I find that I am strong enough to get into some of the more challenging poses that I have been working so hard to achieve, but when I get there I have completely lost my breath. In fact, a lot of the time I am actually holding it until the posture is over. This is probably the most counterproductive thing that you can do in yoga, so this year my focus is not the pose, but rather the breath that leads me into it. Really, isn't that the point anyway?
• The list goes on and on...

So there it is. One resolution. Breathe in 2010, breathe out 2009.

(Photo credit: from here.)

What A Girl Has To Do For A Yoga Class.

It has pretty much been snowing here non-stop for about 4 days (4 days!) We all know that a little snow can't stop us from going outside, but it can make getting around much (much, much, much, much) more difficult. Today I tried (emphasis on tried) to make it to yoga but alas Mother Nature got the best of me. My husband was working which meant we were going to have to use our favored mode of transportation, the train. Our normal 20 minute commute to the gym turned into a 90 minute one leaving me with a choice, take the LM to the bookstore (which I promised we would do before class) or head directly to one of my favorite yoga classes. Leaving the house I was sure that we had plenty of time to to both.

This was before I practically ice skated my way to the T (which ended up getting stuck due to the ice.)

Pushing what looked like and empty stroller down the road.

My little man definitely enjoyed the ride despite the white out conditions.

One look at this little face and I knew that there was only one choice.

And we spent the next 2 hours watching the snow fall from inside Barnes and Noble. Hey, there's always next weekend!