I suspect I'm suffering from 'peter pan's syndrome'.

Such is a case which someone is afraid of growing up. As pleased as I am with the freedom I'm enjoying now & capability to make a decent living as a grown up, I am more disturbed by realizing that alot of things that are used to be easily accomplished requires greater effort now. No more whining, crying & stamping of feet to get things done the way we want it.

Say, it takes alot more effort now to believe & forgive.


I tried.


I pretend I do not know what he & his dirty friends has been saying behind my back. But even though I told myself that all those words were nothing but from the mouth of a sore little man who couldn't accept that fact that I've proven to him that not all gurls are sluts, I couldn't forgive him.


So what if he's still hurting from his previous relationship? It doesn't give him an excuse to go around venting his hatred for his previous gurl on every other gurl. If he hadn't been so vengeful I could still hold him in my arms & take the pain away. Now I'm not about to churn my sympathy on his failed relationship into forgiveness.

Because someone who causes others misery to make himself feels good does not deserve forgiveness; because he could have chosen another route to nurse his bleeding heart but he chose to put me at the edge instead; because all these are beginning to make me suspect he has never really loved me at all; because the night he left he took with him my shining star. I am still friendly towards him & his dirty little friends. But just because I'm friendly doesn't automatically makes us friends. I'm just being friendly.


Whenever I was reminded of him I was so broken but i can't admit.
Sometimes I want to hide because it's him & the good ol' days that i miss.

He messed me up & treated all these as a game; & he would brag to his friends about what he's done as if duping me of my feelings is something he has proudly conquered. I can't see that man who deserves my respect in him anymore.

So I just couldn't forgive.

I do not fear the darkness or what lurks within
But the uncertainty of what my tomorrow brings

For this last step is a leap of faith
To brave my fears and to keep my course
In my lighted darkness

For everything i just couldn't do and for the brilliant child-like innocence i had lost, I blamed it on growing up.

Dear readers, silent supporters all of whom my dearest friends,

Diamond-dust has been part of my life since it's virgin post in May 2003. I had put some thoughts into it when I've decided to stop writing on diamond-dust some 8 months ago. I was at a rough point of my life & I can only say that things could have only been better.

Now I'm finally good, I would say that I'm pretty happy with my life now. Pleased with my crowd of lovely friends, family & blessed with a loving boyfriend. I guess I somehow convinced myself that it's no use wallowing in sadness as life is too short.

& I moved on.

I learnt that changing lives is the result of changing mindset.

During this period when I wasn't writing, for those who stuck on & return to diamond-dust, may I accord my gratitude to u all.

For those who feel that this is a good site to read & for those who has been blessed by diamond-dust, play it forward. Bless someone else.

I have grown over these years to be more sensitive & bold in facing my thoughts. I had fun being part of this site. I had the best audiences. How can you tolerate my controversial entries, sweeping remarks & cutting frustrations? So I'm back here as diamond--dust on 26.10.2007, marking the beginning of a new phase in my life. Reviving the memories of the good ol’ memories of diamond-dust.

I hope Diamond-Dust will continue seeing ur support.

Cheers =)

Pineapple Tarts

Pineapples have always been the forbidden fruit in my life. Stung from a young age (& I am still YOUNG!), I eat pineapples with care, caution & great suspicion.

Pineapples Tarts, are different. I have eaten so many pineapple tarts, I could qualify to tell u where u could get the best tarts, what's wrong with some tarts, & who's tarts u should try begging for (oh, Limaran's mummy makes really yummy pineapple tarts!! *Slurps*), of course, who's the tart this year :P

See, it's Chinese New Year. One big affair that kept everyone busy, running about always having something to buy, picking up the best meat, the best food, the best everything.

It is really scary. U can't understand why the market and some shop would open 24 hours nearing this season. Everyone seems to have something to get done, everyone seems like they are at the snap point of their lives, but if u accidentally step on their toes, they might scream at u so loud, they might be better off smashing u with their bags of food.

Then when Chinese New Year finally comes, ho and below, all these craziness is transformed into a moment of peace, where the entire town looks like a ghost town, closed for the few days, its so quiet that the stillness is worrying.

On the auspicious day, the malls look like a ghost town.

I'm now wondering, what was the fuss all about?

I miss u each time I met a new guy. Everytime I ate gummies. Whenever I read the journal I wrote from the day u left; & for each day I had to pull myself out of bed feeling the discomfort of an onset of deep nausea, outbreak of cold sweat & the wild desire to skip work for the day.

It seem just like yesterday u were still part of my life; part of me. When nothing could go wrong as long as u're here with me. I told u all things that I never used to share cuz u make me feel alright, u put things right even though I could be in the worst situation ever.

Now even though we're still friends, I can feel that u just can't seem to trust me as much as u used to be anymore.

U forgot the gurl who stayed online with u til wee, whom u're so willing to share ur thoughts with back then. U forgot how we used to laugh, chat & get high. U forgot u said that u trust me when I ask u why u are so willing to share. U forgot that I have not changed one bit; even though looking at the things I've done, I could have changed in behaviour in ur perceptions, deep inside I'm still that gurl u've known.

Still that gurl that'll be there for u, for whatever reasons.

I willed myself not to pin for u anymore. As much as I know there's nothing wrong in doing so. I don't know what's up with me exactly, but I know it must have something to do with not wanting to succumb to vulnerability. what good is it if it leaves me strangely hollowed? I used to stand so strong; now I'm reduced to a pathetically fragile state. I became more defensive than ever, & I forgot since when I had trouble believing every guys who told me they love me. As much as I try, I remained unconvinced of possibilties.

I tried all means to find a way out & eventually I found this person who loves me with all that he has. It's still a very ambiguous situation between us but he's contented just knowing that I will accept him. But I know that I wasn't totally in love with him, I'm just trying to love him; I'm just touched by his sincerity.

& It makes me feel freaking UGLY.

I can think that I'm so in love with him one minute & wishing he's u in the next. How amazing.

I can't do this anymore.

I miss u all wrong, & it's beginning to kill me.

Happy fucking new year

BOSTON - Imagine one man's surprise when he opened his car door to find a diamond ring resting on the seat. The $15,000 diamond engagement ring, left by an anonymous gift-giver, was accompanied by a typed note. "Merry Christmas. Thank you for leaving ur car door unlocked. Instead of stealing ur car, I gave u a present. Hopefully this will land in the hands of someone you love, for my love is gone now. Merry Christmas to u," it read. He reported the incident to police, & decided to keep the ring after a jeweler appraised its value at $15,000.

Can you imagine? Merry Christmas, indeed.


SINGAPORE - Imagine one gurl's surprise when she opened her bed room door to find a mess of clothes & used tissue balls littered everywhere. The huge mess, left by an anonymous gift-giver, was accompanied by a handwritten note with horrendous handwriting. "Merry christmas. & Thank u for leaving ur bedroom door unlocked. Instead of stealing ur clothes, I decided to take them openly this time & gave u a chance to clear them up for me. Hopefully those tissue will land in ur dustbin as mine is full now. Merry Christmas to u!" it read.

Audrey Low, u better not do this to me again.

I hate waiting. Waiting is the next worst thing to having constipation.
Waiting sucks my energy dry & makes me just wanna die. (Hey the last two phrases rhymed?)

When I was in primary 3, mummy implored me to wait outside the school gate for her to pick me up. I obeyed. I don’t hate the school gate because that’s the place all the school kids are supposed to wait but I hate the process of waiting itself. I hate it that I have to stand at a particular place but cannot do anything productive. & Because every kids has their curfew, I didn’t really have anyone to keep me company. I hate it particularly when I see other kids leaving before me & I was left alone feeling unwanted & forgotten.

Don’t anyone tell me that waiting can be a fun process if only I learn to find beauty that surrounds me. I have been in that school long enough, I know better. There are no green grass to smell, no butterflies to catch, & no fresh air to gasp. There are however vandalisms, trash all over & lots of pollution. It’s haunting me, these memories *shudders*

As of now, I’m waiting for something which I’m not about to reveal what it is yet. Although this kind of waiting is entirely different from what I just ranted, still, it doesn’t change the fact that I hate waiting!

Dear my friends,

Diamond-dust has been a part of my life since its 'virgin post' in May 2003. It was a way of which I could simply keep in touch with my mind, my heart (& my fingers?)

It was my way of entertaining u, when I physically wasn't there.

I felt it was one of the ways that would make up my physical absence in anyone's lives, that they could still be engaged in their minds by my works & thoughts.

I hope I managed. Diamond-dust has seen alot of support, kindest comments & nicest gestures to spur me on to update. My pc died on me & I had been very busy over a period of time. For friends who stuck on & returned to try ur luck even though it's quite impossible to see any movement, thank u very much! Heh. I'm back finally, & hopefully better than ever despite being so rusty already..

A brief update on what IÂ?m up to during my period of disappearance. Life has been largely about work & little of play, but the play had been great :) Birthday celebrations, zouk out, crazy gurl's night out completed with a few new dates (Teeheehee). Yea.. It has truly been enjoyable.

However of cos these few months wasn't just about a bed of roses, there are moments I thought I forgot what the word 'excel' meant when I begin to see difficulties at work. "Jack of all trades, master of none."...Must be the reason why nothing goes my way. Absolutely nothing! They slip, they fall away, they just never come into my arms! Grrr. I was god-damn upset at that time, cuz I had always thought that I can be capable of anything as long as IÂ?m ambitious & confident enough. So to sum up my points, would ambitions alone be of any use? Would hope alone be of any use?

I guess not.

I remember once, some time back, when I was still in primary school, my teacher asked the class what we would want to be when we grow up. We all had big dreams in our lives then, as usual, there would be a share of lawyers, doctors & engineers. There would also be some that would want to be pilots, sailors and soldiers. And what we had to do was to put a picture of what we wanted to be in a frame on our desk.

Funny things we did.

Rarely would u get some that would have chosen the route of a office lady (like what I am now), social worker, or nurse. I remember a classic incident where I had a friend who wanted to be a taxi driver. This friend of mine, was particularly lazy, & was too lazy to find a nice picture of what he wanted to be; so conveniently, the taxi driver's picture was somewhere within reach, thus pasted.

& Everyone laughed. Including the (fucked up) teacher.
I'm sorry if I freaked out anyone for being being so vulgar, but everyone who knows me well enough know that I never liked teachers in the whole of my 21 years... (Explanation not required.)

Anyways, it was that very day I realised how ambitions have to be engineered for the acceptance of society as one that is successful. The result derived upon presentation of the picture of the taxi driver rings in my mind til today.

If my classmate really wanted to be a taxi driver, I see no fault in it. There are many children in Singapore who's rice on their dining table is brought home by a taxi driver daddy. There are many university graduates who's tuition fee was paid for with a taxi driver's pay.

It only saddened me that we have reached a point where ambitions can never be realised if our mindsets are not broken, to realise that if anyone dreams of being a taxi driver, let him be, but encourage him to be the best taxi driver in town.

If someone's dreams were to be a toilet cleaner, give him or her a chance to be the best toilet cleaner in Singapore; Even the Environment Minister visits toilets as part of his job, to see if it is clean or not!

All that is needed is that little bit of encouragement to bind ambition & hope into one cuz either one of them would never make it without the latter.

Wheeeet! To be able to churn out a long passage of thoughts like this, am I finally a big gurl already or what? LoLs.