The past and the present

Today, I read back all my old post in this blog and I realized that I could detect the emotional changes in myself through the blog.

When I started the blog, I was more cheerful, more optimistic more happy go lucky. I had my friends and family around me, my comfort zone is secured and everything is fine. The idea of going to Brisbane is just an idea and not a reality although I know that I would be going there one day.

But as the time for me to fly comes closer, I became more solemn, more afraid of what would Australia bring. I became more attached to my friends and family knowing that my days with them are numbered.

Once I flew to Australia, everything seemed like a new thing, it felt like I was going for a holiday. things seems so surreal. But after some time, after the idea sink in, things became depressing. My post itself became more depressing and all that talk of staying there are just talk. In the end, life became so bad for me that I just came back.

Even after coming back, I am still very emotional. I became afraid of what my future would bring which doesn't happen at all before I went over. I became worried of every single thing, I was afraid of disappointing people around me even more now and I became unsecured.

Now that everything had slowly settle into a routine, I still find myself emotional at sometimes but things aren't that bad now. I smile and I laugh. Slowly, my confidence is building and even if I do still worried about stuff that I can't control but it's not that much now.

I realize that after coming back to Australia, I changed in some way. I became more solemn, and maybe more mature? I don't throw my temper around anymore.

Maybe going to Australia had taught me some stuff after all. It had taught me to appreciate the people around me, it had taught me how precious they are to me and it had definitely made me grow up. It's surprising how just 1 month could change me so much...MOST OF THE TIME, I don't regret going there although this whole mess about my emotions and education really sux. In a way, like I said, it had taught me to grow up and when I am not feeling sorry for myself (which isn't as much as when I was there or when I just came back), I could see that going to Australia was an experience for it had taught me many things in it own special way.

Now the only thing that I could really do is to look forward in life. But the question is, can I really do it??

Meteor Garden VS. Bull Fighting

For some unknown reason, I am feeling very solemn today. Maybe because I went to class today and realized that everyone knows everyone except me, or because I am still not use to the fact that I have to go to class without Michelle. I don't know and I guess only time will tell.

Came back from class today and watched bull fighting again. I just finished episode 6 and I found some similarities between this series and Meteor Garden. It's like somehow the script writers ran out of ideas and decided to recycle them. but its still quite nice although at certain points I think that Meteor Garden is better. That is most probably because Meteor Garden was the one who introduced the whole Taiwanese series addict thing to me.

Like I said, there's many similarities and among them are:

1) The male lead characters in both series are rich (although in one point in bullfighting he's at the verge of bankrupt)
2) Both male lead characters has very very very annoying parents
3) There's always a super nice guy (where he would like the girl from afar) which to the point seems unbelievable (at least to me) in the show (Lee Wei in bullfighting and Vic in Meteor Garden)
4) There's the scene where the guy get beaten up because of the girl.
5) And the girl will be injured in the process of protecting the guy in that very scene where he gets beaten up.
6) Then there's the hot bath location again.
7) Girl treating the wounds on the guy's body.
8) Both gals have very cute mom (though in Meteor Garden there are times that you just want to strangle the mother)
9) ALL the male characters in the show just knows how to fight.
10) Lead male characters rules the school and the girls is not afraid of them.

So yes, sometimes watching Bull Fighting reminds me a lot of Meteor Garden and although some of the characteristics of the characters, scenes and at certain parts the storyline are the same, there is just a distinctive differences that I can't pinpoint. Maybe it's because of the actors, I don't know. But somehow, after watching these addictive Taiwanese Series let it be 'It started with a Kiss', 'Snow Angel', 'Meteor Garden', 'Devil Beside You', 'Why Why Love' or 'Bull Fighting' just makes me wanna write my very own stories. It starts giving me ideas that will somehow get stuck in my head until I toy with it, which can be very annoying. Oh Well......

Leng Zais?

yeah, yeah.. it's been quite sometime since I update. Yes, I am feeling very very lazy AND am enjoying my holidays before my classes starts.

Okay, first thing first. About my education, after a freaking long discussion with HELP people, they finally contacted my brother and told him that I can finish my degree with BComm of HELP provided I do my foundation, and it's 11 subjects. However, I am given 6 exemptions and I only have 5 more subject to do in Foundation before I go back and continue my degree (I have 7 exemption from my degree, which means I am already half way through first year when I go back). Yes, I think it's ridiculous too since I came from HELP itself. However there are some rules and regulation that they have to follow and that's the best they can do for me. So yeah, I immediately grabbed their offer. I was thinking that if I couldn't get back into HELP I might go to Sunway instead and do their events management. However if I do that, it would most probably be way longer than HELP's alternative solution to my problem because I would need to complete Sunway's diploma before going to degree. So yeah, I am back at HELP, for those of you who still didn't know.

They told my bro that I could do 5 subject this semester but when I went there on Friday, they say I could do maximum of 4. Went to the upper management and they agreed to figure out something for me and they will contact me about it again. Hope that whatever solution that they provided me will be approved. So this semester, I will be doing the following subjects.

Intermediate English
Critical Thinking Skills
Study Skills
Introduction to Marketing Principles

Classes are starting tomorrow and I will be all alone. Just hope that I can make some friends else I would be alone for the rest of the semester. Don't want to think about it right now since after coming back I could be nervous for NO REASON AT ALL, I don't want to make myself more worried. Shall see how that goes tomorrow.

I just finished watching the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics and I could only say that China had finally proven themselves to the world. Seriously, they have managed to amaze the world. both of their opening and closing ceremony is as entertaining and I was super excited to see Wang Lee Hom and Rain performing for the closing ceremony. Me being me, I ogled as much as I could. Hey!! can't blame a gal for ogling whatever she could. Not like there's any leng zais for me to ogle anymore since I came back from Australia. Leng Zais are definitely one of the things that I miss from Aussie :)

Am currently watching Bull Fighting, yes I bought the DVD and no it doesn't have Malay subtitle. That's the two out of three questions that Mae asked when I told her that I am watching Bull Fighting. I have been hearing so much about it from Mae and Siew See that I decided to 'invest' in it. After all, I collect PIRATED Taiwanese Series. Am NOT That rich to buy original. :) Somehow that show reminds me of Meteor Garden A LOT. It's like meeting Dao Ming Shi (main character in MG played by Jerry Yan) and Shan Cai(main female character played by Barbie Hsu). There's quite a lot of similarities between these 2 dramas. But it's still nice quite nice to watch. Not to mention all the leng zais in the show - Mike He, Lee Wei ( I think that's him). oh yeah, love the character that Lee Wei played. He's sooooo nice. If only a guy would treat me like that (you might as well dream big). Somehow, he reminds me of the male characters that I use to write about where they are sooooo nice that they are just to good to be true. Oh well, guess I can sleep and dream about a guy like that tonight :)

Ben's going to UK soon and despite all his teasing, i think I am going to miss him. He's the closest male cousin I ever have. Even my other cousins teased us about it. Well, in a sense, he's one of the rocks that I have in life other than my group of friends. I still remember that when I was in Australia and I called him to inform him that I am coming back with me crying (god!! I cry so much back then), he started singing through the phone to cheer me up. Songs which says that he will always be there for me (even if he disagree) which i can say made me cry even more!! Nontheless, he is still so sweet. and that's the first time a guy sing to me. It's really kinda sad if that guys your cousin, but that we shall leave for another day.

Okay, I am just rambling here and you guys totally have no obligation to read this post since it's mostly crap. :)

3 weeks back home

It has been almost 3 weeks since I came back from Australia. After 3 weeks, I should be happy rite? After all, I am back home. And yet, there are still times that I find myself staring into space with a heavy heart.

I knew that coming home, I would feel guilty, but I had never anticipated how guilty I would felt. I thought maybe it would be gone in a week or two, and yet into my third week back home, the lump in my chest is still there. Yeah, I may be more cheerful now around the people I know, not so afraid of any snide remarks from people around me and yet, when I am alone at home, the feeling of being insecure is back. I guess that's why I have been going out so often with my friends for lunch or for dinner.

I know that people say or do things that never did meant to hurt. The questions they asked are due to mere curiosity. And yet, when this issue is brought up, I shrink away. It's as if some part of me went to hide in a corner, showing and telling people of what they want to see and hear.

It's just ironic, really. One of the reason my parents wanted me to go to Australia was because they were hoping that I would built up more confidences in myself. And in a way, when I was there, it did. Because I wasn't that afraid to go asking people for help, nor am I that afraid to get around to some place is unknown to me. Yet, after coming back here, whatever that I had built in that short period of time PLUS whatever I have before I went over was shattered. Sometimes, I am afraid of making decisions anymore because I just have no confidences in myself. I just feel so self conscious at times that it even annoys me, not to mention my friends.

These days, I dread of what is to come. Sometimes, just by sitting in front of the computer, I would feel anxiety. About what?? I do not know. Anxiety attack?? I don't think so. Even after sitting down trying to figure out why am I so nervous, I still can't figure out. Maybe because everything is just moving too fast, everything in my life is so out of control, that I just couldn't handle it. Maybe when everything settles into a routine again, I would feel much better.

It's time to stop moping around. Classes is starting soon and I better pull myself together else this is soooo gonna affect my grades. Let's hope not.

1 down how many more to go??

Today is Saturday and it means meeting up with the rest of the family. Usually I love Saturdays, because it would mean seeing the people that meant world to me, it meant playing with the little cousins and it meant that the bonds between family members are getting stronger. I love Saturdays, but today, I wish it wasn't Saturday.

Went futsal with my cousins and no one said anything about me coming home. No one questioned my decision except 1. My uncle.

It was horrible. He took me aside, while the others were playing and gave me a really long talk. It hurts in a way, because he was implicating that I was spoiled, that I had given up, that I quit, that I was weak and that I wasn't being strong enough. It hurt, because he was suppose to understand, because he was suppose to stand by me but most of all because he looked like my dad.

I looked at him as he lectured and came to that realization. Then it became worse. Because of their similarities, I can't help but feel that it was my DAD who was giving me that lecture. That it was my DAD who was saying that I gave up, that I was weak, that I wasn't trying hard enough and that I was disappointment. It hurt, a lot, and he was the least expected person to give me a lecture.

All I could do was sit down there next to him, breathing through my mouth, willing myself to look at him AND not cry. I did it. But somehow, inside wilted. Why is it that they couldn't understand why I make this decision? Why is it that they couldn't understand that I WANT to live abroad but I just CANT handle life there? Why is it that they can't understand that they are the most important people to me? Why is it they just can comprehend that it HURTS that they are implying these things?

Why is it that they can't understand that I have tried so hard and failed??

Why??

Why??

Why??

This sux....

This really sux... I still have a dinner to attend with my cousins hosted by my uncle. Hooray!! Another lecture coming up....

I am so emotionally unstable now, that sometimes I fear for myself. Sometimes, all I want to do is lock myself up in my room and not think about it anymore.

No more....

No more.....

Love Language

Okay, okay, i was feeling bored when I stumbled this upon Michelle's blog and thought that I could do it for fun. So... hehe..

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Quality Time:	12
Acts of Service:	7
Words of Affirmation:	6
Physical Touch:	4
Receiving Gifts:	1

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

fears

What is wrong with me? Yes, I am going back, I am going home, then why is there an uncomfortable feeling in my chest? It felt like it's never going to go away, it will never fade away. As the day comes closer, the feeling gets worse. It's forever in my chest and no matter what I do it will always stay there. I think, it's fear.

Fear of what is going to happen to me.

Fear of what my future will be.

Fear of condemnation especially from my relatives.

And fear of seeing disappointment in my parents eyes because it's their daughter that couldn't stay abroad. Because their daughter is just not strong enough to study overseas. And because in people's eyes it looked as if their daughter gave up. I am so afraid of all these things that even talking online with my mom is a strain. I just don't know what to do if I actually see that in their eyes. This fear of mine, it's eating me inside out and I just don't know what am I suppose to do with this growing fear of mine.

I have talked to people about it, and they all advised me to not mind what people would say because I know what is best for me, but can I really do it? I made up my mind not to care, not to think about it anymore, but from the moment i made that decision Ben messaged me. Ben said that when he told my uncle, he shook his head. Growing up in a family that places education at the very top of the list, I know what that means. He is pissed because he thinks that I am 'giving up'. He pissed because I didn't 'try harder'. Because I am the only one who 'quit' and is coming back.

I cried when I read that message. I just sat down there and cry. I didn't know what to do. Just to think that the people that are most important to me ended up hurting me. In some part of my heart, it died a little, because they did not understand what I had been through and they just condemned me. Maybe to some people, it doesn't matter what they thought, what they say of me, but it does to me. I care because for the past 19 years of my life, I see them every week and I expect them to have some faith in my decision, but obviously, they don't.

What do they want me to do? I was in the most miserable moments of my life, sometimes I think I am already half way through depression and they don't want me back?? They prefer that I stay here and study and even if I really do fall into depression, it doesn't matter? Coming here, I ate way less than what I eat back home, I stone for most of the day - during lectures, during bus rides or even walking - I can't read story books anymore because no happy endings can cheer me up. So what am I suppose to do?? I tried, I tried so hard to keep myself here, HELL!! I wanted to stay here, to stay abroad, to live the life of the characters that I created but I just CANT. I CANT stand this anymore, I CANT do this anymore. I thought I could, but I just CANT.

I am so sick of this. So freaking sick of everything. So freaking sick of the freaking lump that is constantly in my chest. So freaking sick of constantly feeling negative, So freaking sick of crying and I am so freaking sick of caring what they think of me. Why is it that my friends can support my decision and not my relatives?? Why is it that friends that I known for half a year is more supportive than my family members of 20 years??

This has to be the roughest patch of my entire 20 years of life. I think the tears I shed ever since I came here is way more than what I had shed in the past years and when I am younger, I used to cry a lot.

If only they could understand.

If only they could be supportive.

If only this fear would go away.

And if only I did not come here....

Tagged by Michelle

1) Are your parents married or divorced?
Married

2) Are you a vegetarian?
nope. I don't eat much vege. If I become a vegetarian, I would most probably starved to death

3) Do you believe in Heaven?
Yes.

4) Have you ever come close to dying?
Not literally but emotionally yeah.

5) What were u doing 8.00 this morning?
Sleeping

6) Favourite time of day?
Night, because that is the time all my friends get online.

7) Do you mind dating someone of the same sex?
what do u think?? I like men. Enough said.

8) Do you wear makeup?
Only during special occasions.

9) Ever have plastic surgery?
Nope.

10) Do you colour your hair?
I did once, but I thought that I didn't look nice.

11) What do you wear to bed?
Pyjamas with socks and a jacket. Try sleeping here with two drafts at the window and only 1 heater.

12) Have you ever done anything illegal?
Yes, I think so…

13) Can you roll your tongue?
Yes

14) Do you tweeze your eyebrows?
No. Can't be bothered for now.

15) What kind of sneakers?
I like Nike. Am currently having a pair of Nike and a pair of Adidas.

16) What is something you are excited about?
For now, nothing much. Feeling way too melancholy to feel excited.

17) What is your hair color?
Black-Brown?

18) Do you talk a lot?
Generally, yes, I do talk a lot. Especially when I am close to someone and I would just sprout all sort of crap.

19) Do you snore?
Sheu says I sleep talk.

20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Home... just home

21) Do you sleep with animals?
I want to, but mom doesn't allow pets. So, I guess I would have to settle with Benny, Wenny, Baby and Kitty Cuddles.

22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
I dont know. Seriously have no idea. Get something for my family and friends??

23) Gold or silver?
Silver

24) Hamburger or hot dog?
Hamburger

25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
err, most prob Ham Panini from Merlo Cafe in UQ, or Sushi??

26) City, beach or country?
Beach. I love the sound of the waves.

27) What was the last thing you touched?
the last thing I touch and still touching is the keyboard.

28) Where did you eat last?
Home. But if u are talking about eating out, it's at KFC, Indoroopilly Mall in Brisbane. Tried something different from the menu.

29) When’s the last time you cried?
the last time I cried?? this morning when I read my aunt defending my case of going back on facebook. Hell, everything trigger my tears these days. Feeling so depressed.

30) Do you read blogs?
Lately, yeah. Been checking in on my friends blog maybe 3-4 times a day? I am THAT desperate for a connection.

31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
My clothing generally consists of guy size t-shirt and jeans. Does that count?

32) Is there anyone you like right now?
don't think so. Though i like to ogle at cute guys. :)

33) What’s your favourite shampoo conditioner and soap?
err, I think it's still Sunsilk.

34) Do you talk in your sleep?
Yes! It seems that I make lots of noise everynight.

35) Are you popular?
No.

36) Where do you wish you were?
Home, in the arms of my family and friends.

37) Have you rejected someone?
IF you mean rejecting in love sense, then no but if it's others then yeah.

38) Are you currently depressed?
very.

39) Ever met anyone famous?
a few

40) Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?
For now, I am feeling like a failure. Enough said.

41) Who is the rudest person in your life?
no comment

42) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
Oprah Winfrey

43) Basketball or Football?
Futsal!! though I always get slammed by the ball. I can't play basketball. Can't shot for nuts. At least in footbal/futsal, I still can kick the ball.

44) How long do your showers last?
10-15 min

45) Automatic or do you drive a stick?
Automatic.

46) Cake or ice cream?
Ice cream!

47) Are you self-conscious?
yeah

48) Do you care what people think?
Cant help it though everyone tell me not to.

49) Have you ever given money to a beggar?
Yes.

50) Have you been in love?
no, I would like to experience it. :)

LAYER 1 : ON THE OUTSIDE
Name : Li Wen/Claire/Limli
Birth Date : 10 Sept
Current Status : Single
Eye Colour : black/brown?
Righty of lefty : Righty

LAYER 2 : ON THE INSIDE
My Heritage : Chinese
My Fears : Feeling helplessness
My Weaknesses : forever needing control on my emotion.
My Perfect Pizza : Seafood and hawaiian.

LAYER 3 : YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
My thoughts first waking up : Need to book air ticket to go home.
My bedtime : I am so sick of screwing up.
My most missed memory : Spending time with all my loved ones.

LAYER 4 : MY PICK
Pepsi or Coke : Coke
McDonald or Burger King : Both
Single or grouped dates : haven't tried any.
Adidas or Nike : Both, though leaning towards Nike
Tea or Nestea : Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla : Both
Cappuccino or Coffee : Cappuccino.

LAYER 5 : DO YOU...
Smoke : Never
Curse : Yes, these days quite often.
Take a shower : Daily
Have a crush : yeah
Think you've been in love : no
Go to school : Yes.
Want to get married : yes, and i want kids too
Believe in yourself : these days?? nope.

LAYER 6 : IN THE PAST
Alcohol : alcohol rocks!
Gone to the mall : yes.
Been on stage : Yes.
Eaten sushi : sushi rocks
Dyed your hair : once

LAYER 7 : HAVE YOU EVER
Played a stripping game : No.
Changed who you were to fit in : even if i did, I cant change for long.

LAYER 8 : AGE YOU'RE HOPING...
To be married : 25-30 when life is more stable?

LAYER 9 : IN A GUY/GIRL...?? Maybe in a lover?
Best eye colour : blue?? but as long as he looks good, i don't really care about his eye color.
Best hair colour : doesn't matter as long as it's not blue or green or orange or some other weird color
Short hair or long hair : Depending.
Best height : Taller than me?
Attitude : loving, understanding and someone who can love me for who I am. Does such guy exist?

LAYER10 : WHAT WERE YOU DOING...
A minute ago : Doing this tag to get my mind off things.
Hour ago : sleeping
4.5 hours ago : Sleeping
1 month ago : Enjoying my time in HELP
Year ago : Enjoying the time of my life. Def not feeling depressed.

LAYER 11 : FINISH THE SENTENCES...
I love: you and everyone else who cares about me.

I feel : helpless and cant help but wonder what will people say when I get home.
I hate : it that life have to play such games with my emotions.
I hide : my secrets.
I miss : my family and friends
I need : more joy in life.

LAYER 12 : TAGGING 5 PEOPLE
-Sheu
- Jasmine
- Wei-Li
-Christine
- anyone and everyone.