Adventures in a Pandemic

Our area shut down one year ago, and it's best I didn't know how long it would last. Friends from Kansas were visiting and heard their governor say schools would stay closed through the end of the school year; I was flabbergasted. Neighbors in May were questioning whether our schools would open Fall 2020; it sounded alarmist. Wasn't. My kids haven't set foot in a school for 365 days.

Not that I'm complaining. The gradual extension in length and severity of the restrictions allowed us to adapt over time, ultimately creating this alternate "normalcy." That's what I want to describe here.

There has been untold suffering from this scourge beyond the sick and the families of the more than half million lost. We have heard much, seen some, and tried to help often. And while I can empathize, I cannot write about much of that grief from personal experience. For the sake of brevity and authenticity, I won't attempt to talk about what anyone else has felt. Rather, this post will be a marker of what our family in our little corner of Kensington has experienced during this momentous year. 

Maybe because I read The Hiding Place to the kids soon after shutdown, we have talked about the historic nature of this period, the similarities to wartime, what a touchstone this will be for our youth the way my grandparents reminisced about The Great Depression or WW2. They had no idea either would last so long, or what sacrifices would be asked, but they were proud of their endurance and bonded with their generation by the shared experience. 

Which for us has included...

-- Time together as a family. So much time. As my boys approached adolescence (and especially after reading At Home in the World), I remember thinking it would be fun to homeschool for a year if only I didn't have to teach them anything.😜 #askandreceive I have loved the extra time together at this key point in their development, cementing our family bond before they transition to friends-first. 

-- They're at great ages to explore together: 3/4, 7/8, 10/11, and 12/13yrsold. No dependent babies. No independent teens. Which means they're used to being stuck at home (no drivers) and fun to do stuff with (no brain-numbing 2yrold hotwheels). We can have moods and meltdowns, but overall they're interested in playing legos, board games, watching Disney movies (esp K), The Cosby Show (all), Monk, Marvel, and the MI movies (the olders), reading everything from Betty Bunny to Agatha Christie, listening to me read aloud, staying in hotels, eating at IHOP or Cracker Barrel, and going on exciting trips to Gettysburg! or Charlottesville! or Ocean City! 

-- We have caught up on small endeavors that we might have otherwise skipped. Last week I taught Aaron how to fry an egg. He was DE-LIGHTED with its simplicity. We've all learned how to play chess and the joys and trials of jigsaw puzzles. We've covered the mundane (how to clean a toilet) and the profound (discussions about race and sex). Even the fact we couldn't fly means we've reverted to the roadtrips of my childhood, listening to audiobooks (#1 Ladies' Detective Agency series is the fav) and visiting historic American landmarks in a 3hr radius like Manassas battlefield and James Madison's Montpelier. (#random but #beautiful)

-- I've had TWO built-in babysitters home 24/7. Josh and Noah have both been zooming but in the building. It has been AMAZING. LIBERATING. Suddenly the weight of having to schlepp my littles everywhere I go feels like a 12-year period that has come to an end rather than a commitment stretching out into the horizon. Of course for a while there was nowhere to go, BUT I COULD GO FOR A RUN. Which I really needed, because...

-- So much time being the only adult available. The questions, interruptions, requests, conflicts could feel like a rising tide. I wanted to soak up this unique opportunity to be with them, there for them, but where could I reasonably draw the line? And how? They find me... in my closet, bathroom, back yard... With no opportunities for outside stimulation, they've been understandably needy, dumping all their words on the nearest listener, creating drama to break up the day, conjuring desires and requests to test the boundaries, abandoning moderation. All natural under the circumstances, but constant.

-- Meanwhile Josh was saving the world. Well, helping at least. There were a few others working on it. ;) But seriously, the fact that we moved here and Josh started his NIH job at the end of January 2020 was no coincidence. All through the process of deciding to move and then making the transition, I felt God's confirmation, everything falling into place, everything pointing to This. Now. Then #covid. It felt like an Esther moment, though maybe not to Josh. It's hard taking over a program someone else started. It's harder when there's a global crisis in your industry. It's even harder when that crisis means you have to respond without ever meeting your coworkers in person. He has risen to the challenge in so many ways, as I knew he would. I could not be more proud of him. Even if it means I took all the public digs at medicine and science and research and public health and vaccines...personally. 🙈#mamabear

-- Still, I could feel my world get small, so small. As an avid traveler, explorer, and equal parts introvert (can't get a moment alone) and extrovert (can't make new friends), this year inside our literal house would creep up on me. At times it felt like claustrophobia, like there was this invisible blanket hanging above me, and if I was physically or emotionally depleted, it would slowly move in tighter around me until I gained the wherewithal to actively push it back out again with allergy meds, a run outside, scripture reading/memory, a creative endeavor, and digital socialization. To that end...

-- New routines have developed that I hope stick around. Each rose from necessity--to add predictability and substitute for what used to happen elsewhere. Each boy now finishes a chore and devotional before play/screen-time. We all have vespers together at the end of the day when I read from a novel (currently The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime), Josh reads a chapter from the Bible (now Exodus), and then we sing/pray. Friday nights are Family Movie Night (pizza in front of the TV). Josh and I take evening walks (weather permitting) and go on dates every other weekend. And of course I run or do my Jillian Michaels exercise videos. All part of the rhythms of our life now, part of being healthy together. 

-- Social media has been a Life. Saver. As a compulsive communicator suddenly 660mi from friends and family and unable to invite new acquaintances over for dinner, playdates, etc. I cannot tell you what it has meant to be able to develop friendships, keep up with folks, be creative, and exchange ideas and encouragement through Facebook, Instagram, Marco Polo, and text. I even started the new year with a new design feed just for the fun of it (@6dennysdesign). Otherwise, my brain would be mush, and I'd be talking to the walls. Or climbing them. #thinkBernadette

-- Still, engagement was a blessing and a curse in 2020. I NEVER would have guessed that in a global pandemic, my biggest stressors would NOT be the threat of illness (we were isolated and low-risk) but rather how others are viewing and responding to the pandemic. I would've assumed it would unite us against a common enemy (the virus). 

It didn't. #duh There was no clearer dichotomy in that response than the chasm between our hometown's culture and our new home's culture (in almost every area). It has been difficult to process, to the say the least. Sometimes it feels like an opportunity for us to help each understand the other. Other times it is frightening to see how far apart that canyon keeps good, thoughtful, educated people. 

I tried to ration my involvement online in controversies and only jump in if my perspective was not represented. I hoped to bring grace and truth to otherwise fractious conversations when I saw how they could easily be dominated by shouting matches or trolls. I don't want people of love and sense to abandon convos about things that matter to the bellicose and bombastic. But I could also tell when it was taking a toll on my view of friends or the church, so I am beyond thankful most of the acrimony has died down for now as the vaccine spreads. #hallelujah 

-- Except when it comes to the need for racial and social justice. I was naively hopeful last summer that the intense interest in anti-racism--the bestseller lists full of books about our past and present--were a sign of an awakening that would lead to a turning of the tide. There are signs here and there, but I've also heard many double-down in their defense of the status quo. My black and brown friends are not surprised, after so many years of disappointment, but it grieves me. My one encouragement would be that Josh and I have learned so much, changed our minds about so much in the last couple years, and now we are in positions to act. If we can do it, anyone can. It is still possible.

-- Amidst all this, we have bonded with the folks we've gotten to know, and they proved critical to preserving my faith in humanity and God in 2020. Between the handful of neighbors in our "Warner Crew" and our MBC MoCo church family, we have found kindred spirits that keep me grounded and hopeful on all of the above. 

It's hard to believe now that we weren't sure about our church home when all of this started. We've been "attending" MBC in our family room for a year now, getting familiar with its preaching and worship. Our small group has met weekly on zoom during that same time; we've participated in an 8-week book study on zoom with fellow church members; and Noah has "attended" youth group on Wed night zoom. It has all added up to equal a rootedness in our church home, a loyalty and depth of friendships that I would not have predicted but am very thankful for. Maybe someday I'll actually get to meet the women in my MD BSF group! In an odd way, friendships developed over zoom remind me of penpals, where all you have is conversation but it means you converse. #godeep 😏

-- As always, I've continued to see how faithful God is to provide:

We'd never had construction done on a house before, but this time we closed in the "parlor" to make a home office within weeks of moving in (Feb 2020). We had NO IDEA Josh would start using it 2 weeks later and stay there 12hrs/day for 12months and counting. 🤯

Also, "covid ball." We might need to change that name. 😜Months ago, a few families from church dreamed up an outdoor pickup game at a local park with social distancing rules. Almost every Saturday morning since, that game has gotten Josh and more importantly Noah out exercising and around kids no matter the temp. #sohelpful

When 2020 was at its worst, our basement flooded. Provision? What!? Yup. Insurance paid for the repairs; I got to design a whole new space; and it all took place Sept-Nov 2020. Praise God. I had a legit distraction.

Finally, God provided one precious family that was willing to "pod" with us, forming a larger household/bubble so our kids could play together and we could share meals. I still can't believe that worked out and what a blessing they have been to each of us. God shows up through people, y'all.💜

When we moved here, my motto was Psalm 91. It's the last talk I gave in Nashville. It has an eerie echo now, having seen what we've seen since then, but I still cling to the confidence that there is no better place to be than to "dwell in the shelter of the Most High [and] rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."

AND, Praise the Lord! Isaac went back to school in-person this week, after a full year at home. Aaron is supposed to start April 12, and Noah by early May. He'll get about 12 days in the building, but if we've learned anything from this pandemic, it's that you get what you get and you don't throw a fit! 😂

TN in MD, Year 1

We've been here ONE year! It feels like 10. 😂 And while it's not fair to judge any state by 2020, I do want to keep a record of our evolving impressions of our new digs. And by that I mean the town of Kensington in Montgomery County in Maryland in the DC/Maryland/Virginia (DMV) area...

THE DMV

I have always loved DC. I visited in 1992 for a Clinton inaugural with my high school marching band. Then spent summer of 1998 as an intern at both ends of PA Ave. It was all gorgeous and exciting and meaningful and made me think I'd work in politics. (Until I did and discovered the long hours, low pay, instability, and public scorn as a reward for our efforts.) 

Still, this city's grand, greco-roman buildings, monuments, history, food scene, and centrality in world affairs make me pinch myself when I remember we live here now. Josh and I literally drive downtown on date nights sometimes just to see it and be inspired without ever leaving our car (#pandemic). With all the arts and museums and tours still closed, it feels like a gift we'll still be opening for years to come.

MARYLAND

When I was a kid and created questionnaires for myself about my favorite things (yes, I did that), and I asked myself if I could live in any state, where would it be? I said Maryland. No joke. I was living outside Philly at the time, and Maryland felt like the perfect distance from DC, Baltimore, Philly, NYC, Boston, the coast, the mountains, and either climate extreme--plus it's where I went to summer camp on the Chesapeake.

All of that is still true, and while we haven't been able to explore the cities yet, we've already begun taking advantage of the history and topography. MD crams a lot in a small space. Within an hour of our house, there are mountains and beaches, battlefields and historic homes, dairy farms and waterfalls, and more museums than I can count. Before we got here, I felt like we had pretty much exhausted the sites within a 3hr drive from Nashville #30years, so it's been exciting to start on a whole new list. 

And to experience a different culture. We initially tried to look for a house in Virginia, thinking in-state tuition at all those VA colleges would look pretty good in a few years. But there's only one bridge across the Potomac near NIH, and it's the definition of a bottleneck. Plus housing prices are insane. 

So we opted for Maryland, where Josh could be 1.5mi from the office (haha #pandemic #WFH🙄) and we'd explore an almost New-England style coast (with things like "wharfs" and "harbors" and LOTS of crabs), a come-as-you-are aesthetic (no makeup required #mfeo), and an extra dose of non-profit zeal. I cannot tell you how many people I've met here who have prioritized doing good over earning money. It's wonderful.

It has been especially interesting to move from one of the 5 reddest states to one of the 5 bluest states during a very contentious election year. I have been alternately thankful and stressed out by the balance this has brought to my Facebook friends and feed. While the result can make me feel like a fish-outa-water in either place, it has also given me countless opportunities to be a bridge or interpreter between different worldviews. This year more than most, I think it has been God's work in me and for me to do. 

MOCO

Once we chose MD, Montgomery County was a no-brainer as it sits right next to DC, contains the NIH, and has great public schools. Bonus, it has an incredibly diverse population. We went from a county that is 84% white to one that is 42% white. MoCo contains 4 of the 10 most ethnically diverse towns in America. It has been incredibly refreshing.

My 7th grade year, my dad lived in Hong Kong for his job, my brother went on an exchange to India, we hosted a German student in Philly, and then Mom and I spent the summer with Dad in Asia. At the end of that year, my family moved to Hendersonville, TN. I grew to love that town and its people, but I could feel my world contract from continents to counties. When we visited my brother in ATL, I wanted to spend time in IKEA just to be around a diverse population again. 

There is something so vibrant and connected about being with people of all different backgrounds, from all over the world. And the fact that they're so educated makes it all the more fascinating. It is constantly disrupting my preconceptions and hacking away at my blind spots while introducing me to some of the best food (granted mostly takeout) and conversation (via zoom) I've had in a while. I cannot wait until our church can meet in-person again, and we can invite families for dinner to learn from and enjoy this kaleidoscope more, but in the meantime our zoom small group, Bible study, book club, and church services have been LIFE-GIVING.

We also moved to a much more densely populated area: from ~300 people/sqmi to ~2000 people/sqmi. The downside would be traffic (if everyone were not staying home) but the upside is that every major retail chain has a store within about 2mi of my house. Now I can see why VA--at 9mi away--feels SO far.😉

KENSINGTON

Before we moved, Josh's colleague set me up on a phone call with his wife to learn more about the area. When she told me they live in Kensington, I was pretty dismissive. She described a small town within the big city that was still walkable -- an urban Mayberry, if you will. 

I was looking further out in suburbia (i.e. Potomac) where the housing prices and lot sizes felt more familiar and the public schools were ranked higher (top 500). i.e. Maryland's version of TN's Williamson County (where we were coming from).

But over the months that followed, her description niggled in my brain. Did we really want more of the same kind of bubble? How much time would Josh be spending in traffic? (ha. ha.) What would it be like to instead walk into town, or to the metro, or to Rock Creek Park? What if we could live in a mixed-income area? This was our chance to try something really different. 

My biggest hang-up was the US News ranking of the local high school (1300+), but that did not seem to reflect the attitudes and programs we were hearing about from everyone we talked to. So, despite those reservations, we took the plunge when the perfect house appeared at just the right moment. It felt like we were stepping out in faith. Amazingly, when the 2020 rankings came out, they showed the same high school in the 300s. Turns out they hadn't submitted all their test scores in 2019. #whew

Still, this part of our location makes me nervous if I think about it too much, because the school system is in the process of rezoning. I'm not especially worried about our kids #thekidsllbealright, but I do think about our home value. It could drop significantly depending on what is decided. However, the way everything came together to place us in this house, I'm choosing to trust that God will direct us from here, even if it means absorbing a loss. 

WARNER ST

How dare I forget to mention our little corner of Kensington? On the day we moved in, the unofficial "mayor" of our street happened to walk by while I was out front getting groceries from the trunk. She introduced us to several neighbors, who invited us into their homes in just the nick of time. Within 6 weeks, everything shut down, but at least by then we'd met a handful of families we could see outside and know we were not alone in the world. 

BOTTOM LINE

There are times when I think of Nashville/Franklin in all of its manicured, Southern glory, full of friends and family I miss dearly, and my heart squeezes in my chest. If we're passing a Cracker Barrel or see "Nashville Hot Chicken" on a menu, we absolutely get it out of principle. It has been essential to our happiness here that I was 100% confident in God's call to move. Without that, there could have been all kinds of 2nd-guessing. With that, I have appreciated our new locale under...unusual circumstances. But those are for another post. #adventuresinapandemic #comingsoon

The Art We Live In

In 9th grade, I went through a phase when I thought aesthetic concerns just take attention away from relationships and charity, so I wore cream-colored turtlenecks with a chunky wooden cross and no makeup. I was basically trying to be a nun. 

Like Anne Hathaway's character in the The Devil Wears Prada, I had to learn to appreciate that clothes are the art we wear...and interior decor is the art we live in -- AND they both have a material affect on our relationships and outlook.💡 

By now, Josh and I are in our 7th home, and thanks to Marie Flanigan, HGTV, Joanna Gaines, Katy Southern, Mitzi Maynard, Suzy Knapp, Pinterest, Houzz (@vucarolyndenny), our realtors, and so many others, I've come a long way. Interior design has become a beautiful escape from and backdrop for the controversial worlds of parenting, Bible teaching, women's ministry, and social justice.

HomeBody helped define my style (and the pics🤤),
DreamHome is great for practical/ROI advice, and
HouseBeautiful keeps me current/creative.

But it's not the easiest hobby to pick up! I've had to work and read and search and pay for every little bit of instruction, because NO ONE seems to teach the basics on how to decorate a house--not to mention the trends are always changing. I've looked for podcasts and design books, and found a few favorites (see pic), but they still don't make everything explicit. 

Now that I'm suddenly getting to redecorate our basement, I've plunged back into the design world in a hurry, figuring out what I see a lot, what's on its way out, and how to even approach a blank slate. 

I was talking to a friend today who has a similar project ahead with NO idea how to start. #ihearya So, I'm going to share my Top 10 "rules of thumb" I've stumbled upon. Feel free to add, edit, or disagree in the comments! 

And PLEASE for the love of all that is holy, don't be offended if I say something in your home is on the way out. If you love it, LOVE it! That's great! These trends only matter if 1) you're having to make decisions about a reno/refresh, OR 2) you're putting your house on the market. 

Latest mood board for my basement. #nordic

1. Collect your LOVES. Swipe on Pinterest or Houzz, through catalogues or on Instagram and screenshot your favorites until you have a group of room pictures you love for each "zone" in the rooms you're decorating. I create a picture collage of my very favorites as a "mood board" that I consult before every purchase to make sure my choice fits that "mood" (style, see pic). But I keep a bigger stack in an album on my phone. Whenever I'm researching the next thing (paint, floors, cabinets, countertops, lights, etc), I scroll through these photos to see what people have used in rooms I love. It helps narrow down what seems to work in the rooms I enjoy. You can also stick to stores whose style you love, such as Crate & Barrel (or CB2), West Elm, Pottery Barn, Arhaus, RH, Ikea, Ballard, Serena & Lily, FrontGate, Joss & Main, or One Kings Lane. Just try not to buy all from the same place, or you'll feel like you're walking into that store when you walk in your door.

2. USE every room. And let how you use it drive your choices. How do you want to USE the room? What can you do there that you can't do in another room of the house? As we redo our basement, we had to decide what we want most: extra guest beds, a home theater, more storage, a fireplace to warm it up, a kitchenette, double-shot basketball, a toy playroom, or a workout room. We can have more than one (breaking up a big room into "zones"), but we can't do them all. And we can keep it fairly flexible (no built-in theater seating) but we do have to put the TV somewhere. Use should also drive arrangement: don't place 2 couches facing each other but perpendicular to the TV if you use them primarily to watch TV. Don't fill a playroom with furniture if your kids mostly want it for indoor wrestling (but maybe pad the walls?).  

3. CLOSE it in. I've been skeptical of the totally open concept for years, but 2020 has been my vindication. Make sure the heart of your home is open and big enough for everyone to hang out comfortably, but also make sure there are separate spaces for people who need to get away from each other. Maybe you want an adult space vs kids space? Or each person needs their own little haven? I have a table and chairs in my bedroom to write these posts; my sons who share a room each have the bottom of a closet as their own little man-caves. We added a wall and french doors to a living room to make my husband a home office. We can send a posse of kids to the basement while the adults hang out upstairs, or the kids can all eat in the kitchen while the adults escape to the dining room. Open sight-lines can be great, but walls can be great too. #goodfences Maybe you can't move walls, but you can incorporate needed outlets/workstations/havens in your furniture arrangement.

4. Phone a REALTOR. Even if you haven't moved in eons, talk to a busy realtor before you go too far. Your house is your biggest investment, and you don't want to put money in that will decrease its value. Find out what people in your area are looking for these days so you know where spending makes the most sense. Even if you don't ever plan to move, #youneverknow so its best to have that knowledge (even if you choose to ignore it). We were struggling to decide between travertine and tile for our basement, but our realtor made that decision easy. #goforthetile He also reminded us that we're more likely to get our money out of investments in our backyard than upgrades to our basement. And that a kitchenette with the possibility of functioning as a kitchen (making our basement a complete apartment) is more valuable to buyers than a wet bar that cannot be expanded (i.e. stuck in a 5' nook). Bottom line: in this case, more info really is better.

Some great examples of tricking us into thinking
there's more natural light than there actually is - 
especially bottom right with the interior window
and 2 levels of lamps.

5. Go LIGHT. Light tends to make everyone happy, so when in doubt, err on the side of light-colored, light-filled decor. That includes not letting blinds/curtains cover any part of the window when they're open, having plenty of lamps in a room (at different heights and connected so they're easy to turn on; we use smart bulbs and Alexa routines so they go on/off automatically), choosing light-colored paint (in matte so it's not shiny), upholstery (performance fabrics of course!), and even furniture (Nadeau has great natural wood or painted pieces). It's much easier to warm up a light-colored room (think fur and candles) than to lighten a dark room. You can also use materials like frosted glass, mirrors, or indirect light to make dark spaces (feel) brighter. Working on our basement, I see lots of "can" lights in the ceiling and indirect (think under-cabinet, on art, or behind a mirror or screen) light to mimic windows that aren't there.

6. Keep it SIMPLE. My latest love is nordic style, so I may seem biased, but this is a good rule of thumb even if you love the cluttered cottage look ala "The Holiday" in the Cotswolds. Americans tend to have way too much stuff (see the popularity of Marie Kondo or The Home Edit) and we tend to think more is better, but the easiest way to refresh a room is to remove half the stuff in it. Same for any individual piece: the less ornament, the simpler the lines, the better. Scroll work was hot in the 18th century (and maybe 1980s), but "clean lines" are all the rage now.

I love baskets because they're
pretty, natural, and easy
to throw stuff into. Tall for
laundry, low and wide for toys
or socks.

7. Put it AWAY. If you always find a mess in a certain place, that place is crying out for storage (a basket for toys, a bench for shoes, hooks for coats, a console for electronics, a drawer for papers, etc). If the clutter of ordinary life is driving you crazy but it's stuff you actually use, visit the container store, isolate the areas where you use stuff, and figure out how you can "put it away" in that area, conveniently. I now have baskets, benches, and even a trunk throughout the house so no one has an excuse for leaving stuff all over the floor (most of them from Goodwill or HomeGoods). 

8. Bring BALANCE. Balance makes us feel good, whether we know it or not. The easiest path to balance is symmetry (the same on both sides), but when that's not available (or too boring), you can group items or offset them. For example, I'm designing a kitchenette right now with only bottom cabinets and the sink is closer to the right wall, so I'll need shelves or pendants or a plant toward the left to make it feel balanced. When I bought 2 chairs for our family room, they came in shorter than our sofas. They look like doll furniture. But then I put a big table and lamp between them and art behind, and now they totally look balanced with the sofas. Also, bedside tables don't need to be the same, but they should feel...balanced. We have a small antique wood dresser of drawers on one side and a modern, thin-lined iron/marble tiered table on the other, but the materials of the modern table balance out its thin lines and similar heights/widths of the two tables make them feel proportionate.

See how the top 2 pics look like a random wall
that's missing something?
Whereas the bottom 2 make more sense,
and are more functional. #bonus

9. Tie it TOGETHER. This is a hard one to describe, but a beloved in my life does NOT see this AT ALL so that's helped me recognize it as a "rule." Think of each section of your room, each "zone," each wall, each sightline as a vignette. If it helps, walk around and take pictures of each area of the rooms you're decorating. You walk into your rooms and enter your hallways all the time: what kind of view greets you (not out the window but right in front of you)? Can you make it more artistic? Add balance? or somehow make the objects in each "picture" (zone, vignette, corner, or wall) look like they belong together? For example, we have a wall in the basement with 2 small windows on either end near the ceiling and a 5'x2' nook in the middle (see pic). My beloved wanted to put a closet in that nook, or a kitchenette. It would be balanced, but so random to have a 5' kitchenette in the middle of a 15' wall. Whatever we put there needs to make sense as a centerpiece and somehow feel connected to the walls or windows on either side. We could put a fireplace in the nook with shelves on either side under the windows; we could have built-ins that run the whole wall, or add curtains on either side of the windows (tho they're too high/short for that), etc. But it needs to look like it makes sense, almost as if you were staging a painting.

10. Keep Moving FORWARD. If you've seen it EVERYWHERE for a while now, it may not be around much longer. Overexposure spells doom for...almost anything really. I've always loved herringbone, but now I see it in every catalog, on every surface. That's not a good sign for its longevity -- rather like the trellis pattern in the "tying it together" pic, or subway tile. Something that's been huge for a while becomes tied to that era, so keep an eye out for what you're just starting to see a lot. For example, I see signs that it may be time to let go of the grays, the distressed, and even (gasp!) the white kitchen. Don't panic; I have a white kitchen too! It's not suddenly "out" -- but it's not what I'm seeing among the interior design trend-setters, magazines, instagrammers, etc. Instead, I'm seeing a move toward matte colors, simple/slab cabinet doors, edge pulls, natural wood, and stone. We still want light, but we also want simple, cozy, natural, and personal. So I'm not going to pick out our kitchenette features based on what we wanted in our last house. In other words, keep an open mind. Go with what you love, but not if you think you might be sick of it next year.

And a bonus tip...

11. Choose WISELY. Some of the outlandish designers of House Beautiful notwithstanding, I'm amazed how often high design still uses simple neutrals for all the big-budget pieces from rugs to sofas to walls. The pops of personality and color are often reserved for cheaper, easy-to-change accents from armchairs to art, pillows, and blankets. I have dear friends who know how to make big statements with color, but that seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Maybe I'm just a conservative at heart, but I try to keep the big stuff neutral so I can swap out accessories with the seasons. Too often I've pulled out pillows I bought 2 years ago for spring, only to realize I don't like them anymore. That's when I'm thankful they weren't a couch.

Ok, now I've gotta run. I may try to add more pics later, but hopefully this is a helpful start. Like I said earlier, feel free to add ideas or questions in the comments!

Not Obsolete After All

In case my dotty self can't remember 2020 at some point #fatchance, here are the reasons I haven't been writing blog posts:

1. I'm too tired. I sleep, eat, and exercise moderately well, but I'm still carrying around the 24/7 responsibility for a family of six in my head. I've often wondered how my ambition seemed to evaporate when I gave birth to Noah. I like to think it's because he reordered my priorities; it's also possible that I've been tired for 13 years.

*Which sort-of works, especially
if I can convince them to read when
they inevitably do come find me. 
As I did just now, ninja-style.😎

2. They're all here. Since March 16th. As in IN THIS HOUSE, ALL THE TIME. I haven't had alone time to sit and write, and I can't go to coffee shops to find it, because they're take-out only. To be fair, I have carved out space for my own interests, but only the ones that are home-bound, kid-friendly and interruptible (i.e. not writing).

3. Facebook is better. It's easier to write and read short posts, and I prefer controlling who sees each post -- all features of FB. Plus I don't click through many links there anymore, and I'm betting others don't either. So, I've tried to edit deep thoughts down to a few short sentences and post to a specific audience.

Well then, why am I here now?

1. My baby returned to preschool. It's 3 hrs/day, and 2 of those hours overlap with my boys' zoom classes. I have 2 hours/day ON MY OWN. Sort-of (5/6 are still in the house but I can pretend they're not*).

2. I miss writing. I had what felt like a robust volunteer part-time "job" in our Nashville community, reading, writing, teaching, leading, hosting, etc. All of that disappeared when we moved, and then this pandemic hit, tying my hands here. I have kept reading #duh, but I think if I could carve out time to write, it would be enough. For now. 

3. Blog posts are still useful. Much as I like FB, it's almost impossible to find/reference posts from past years, they're text-only, and they're usually too short to be that helpful. When I'm asked questions about ____ (parenting, eating, reading, travel, IEPs, chronic illness, you-name-it), I send people links to blog posts. Or I go back and read to remember, What did I do about whining?

Of course, I've tried to re-engage here several times, most notably right before I discovered, Surprise! We're pregnant! back in 2015. But it's my blog, so I figure I can come in fits and spurts, as life does. For now, I'm at least getting this up and out there, unpolished and unedited, because if I'm going to take another swipe at writing during these hairy days, that's the only way it will happen.😏

Could Gray Be Great?

February is famously, persistently gray. After the cold of January and with March showers still to come, it seems to be when my friends’ relationship with the weather bottoms out. 

This week someone asked me to post how or why I enjoy this time of year, in hopes it could help others see a silver lining. I'm not trying to gloat; you'll see me bottom out in August. Rather, if this can help lift someone's spirits a little at this time of year, I'm in.

So, here are some things that I think have helped nurture my love for winter, beyond the genes from my winter-loving grandmother who retired to Cape Cod.

1. British Lit. I’ve been steeped in it for decades, and it makes cold, gray days feel like the backdrop for cozy cottages, deep emotions, intrigue, and poetry. From Jane Eyre to The Nine Tailors, Wind in the Willows to Lord of the Rings. A good Charles Finch novel would not survive the glare of a summer sun, but in the dark of February, it's on point. This is the land of "London fog" or "dark and stormy nights." Everyone wears wool, admires the scrub on the moors or the dark outlines of leafless trees, and settles in a big armchair by the fire with a cup of tea when it gets dark at 4pm. Just look at the Gryffindor common room at Hogwarts: With its giant stone fireplace, red tapestries on the walls, dark wood beams, and fur blankets, this place was designed to make the most of a cold, dark, wet climate. Which brings us to...

2. Decor. I love pulling down all that busy tinsel and pine in early January to replace it with calm, almost Swedish simplicity and warmth. Right now, I'm loving light-colored faux-fur blankets (LOTS of cozy blankets) and velvet pillows (usually from HomeGoods), lanterns (with LED candles on a timer), and a well-placed candle (WoodWicks are also a good sub for a fire). Sometimes I want lots of white to be calming and snow-like, but I could also imagine deep jewel tones like Gryffindor. Sometimes I lace in a single joyful color like pink or yellow that hints at Easter around the corner. If I've made a recent run to Trader Joe's or Costco, there might be flowers on the table--even more than in the summer, because now they they're stunning against the cloudy, wet window panes. 


If I'm out-and-about, I wear my favorite winter coat, because I discovered long ago it's worth the splurge when one wears them daily and keeps them for...uh...decades. I also use a soundtrack to fit the atmosphere--Amazon's Norah Jones station is probably my favorite--and I'm rarely without a thermos in my hand, because...

3. Comfort Food. Who wants a hearty beef stew in July? Fresh-from-the-oven cornbread positively SINGS in the winter. This is also when Costco re-introduces their annual shepherd's pie in the prepared foods area (by the rotisserie chickens), and it is divine. If June is a bright, juicy-sweet peach, then February is biscuits and gravy...

With coffee in a beloved mug. I keep a robust supply of hot drinks on hand, and we make them often--especially before or after school. For the kids, everything from decaf Earl Grey to frothy milk (with a dash of vanilla) and Carnation instant breakfast (yes, it still exists). For me, Starbucks black coffee, Fortnum & Mason Countess Grey tea, or Gevalia cappuccino K-cups. I firmly believe any afternoon taxiing my kids around is better with a hot cuppa.

4. Rest & Reflection. I'll be the first to admit that--in general--winter does not feel like a time characterized by sanguine, bubbly silliness, at least not outside. But it is a great time for journal-writing, reading good books, cooking, talking over coffee with friends, playing games at the kitchen table, and cuddling in front of a movie--i.e. most of my favorite things. 

5. Venturing Out. I like not feeling the pressure to be outside, since few winter activities are planned outside. Even so, I tend to prefer going outside in the mild winters we've had in Nashville or DC than going out in the sweltering summers. I like to run outside, which is so much better when it's 50 degrees than 90, and my kids feel the same about going to the park/playground. If I'm cold, I can always add layers. If I'm hot, I can't always remove layers.😆 

6. The Holidays. Yes, there are some. People love to disparage President's day, Valentine's, and St. Pat's, but we are here for them. I have socks for each one (which my 3 year-old tracks attentively). Sometimes I grab themed napkins for dinner at Joann's or Hobby Lobby the week before (usually 60% off). We might read something related aloud at dinner together. I get Lucky Charms for St. Pat's because they're SO Irish.😜 And there's dessert (flag cake, chocolate-covered strawberries, banoffee), which is really what makes it an official holiday for my children. We don't do all of these things every time - but we don't ignore these opportunities to play either.

7. Easter. This one gets its own bullet, because it is my favorite. It may not technically fall in "winter," but it's often in March when it's still cold and rainy, plus we start thinking about it with Lent in February. I could write a whole post on Easter, so I'll restrict myself to pointing out these features: the expectations tend to be low, generally only Christians celebrate so it's not quite as commercial, there are no cards-to-everyone-you've-ever-known or presents-for-every-teacher-and-cousin, and it's focused on my favorite story of all time: the fact that God came down and gave Himself so we could know Him and live with Him forever. Easter is basically in the back of my mind from the moment we start the new year, and it can redeem winter, as it redeems everything else.

Finally, it's probably worth mentioning that if I were to sum up my feelings about winter days, it would be relief. Relief that I don't have to feel guilty for wanting to stay inside. Relief that there's no overpowering spotlight shining down and overwhelming my eyes, my skin, my temperature. Relief that when I open the door, there will be a cold shot of fresh air rather than humid, buggy heat. Relief that the days feel restful and cozy with few expectations. This may all feel crazy to you, but maybe it'll help a little knowing someone somewhere finds beauty and comfort in it all.

 (See also the short version from 10yrs ago. #consistent☺️)

On the Move

I’ve lived in Nashville for 29 years -- since my parents moved here in 1991. I was 13. Needless to say, it’s home, and I love almost everything about my life here.

Especially now that I’m getting ready to leave it. 😳

Not my life; I’m not dying. We’re moving. To Washington, D.C.

Well, Kensington, Maryland, to be more precise—but on the DC Metro #redline #comeseeus and 30minutes drive from the Mall. #comeseeus 

As you can imagine, it took some pretty compelling events to convince us to jump off the train we’ve been riding for decades. I’d sum them up this way:

The last 4 years have been pretty intense for our family, but most of those issues have recently resolved or plateaued. For example: we no longer have an infant but don’t yet have a high schooler. For the first time in years, we can consider...an adventure. 

Josh has a once-in-a-lifetime chance to run the next generation of the Human Genome project, called The All of Us Research Project (https://www.joinallofus.org/en). It will have a global impact on medicine and healthcare. Granted, I’m a #proudwife, but this is objectively the largest research project ever undertaken, and the sky’s the limit on the impact it could have in every area of medicine. It also happens to be squarely in the middle of his expertise—not something we could have planned or orchestrated. #rightplacerighttime

God has opened so many doors, I’ve lost track of them all. At first, I thought, “We have to do this, even though it’ll cost us a lot.” And it will cost us in various ways, but not as many as I expected. As I’ve seen before, when God upends our plans, he shows such grace in helping us adjust to the change.

The whole thing has my mind and heart jumping between opposite corners: excited about a grand new adventure #iloveDC and scared to be walking away from so much that we love. #comeseeus

I’ve already created lists in my journal of all the reasons we believe this could be good for our family. #pleaseGod I’m pretty sure I’ll need to revisit these lists in the near future. #liketonight But even better, we hope you’ll come visit us in DC and join in part of the adventure!! #comeseeus #6DennysdoDC

In the meantime, if you've moved out-of-state with kids, please share your tips and advice in the comments. Also, any suggestions of family-friendly movies about moving (preferably where it's not a disaster) or set in the DC area would be welcome! And then, plan to #comeseeus. 😘

Social Grace

Kids are beloved and complicated. The more I get to know them through parenting or church or friends, the more this sinks in. They are also an amazing, unvarnished reflection of us adults. Maybe this is why it has taken me working with kids to finally understand that the distinctions between the way people think are a matter of degrees on several continuums, and they can change over time. 

For example, people fall on lots of points between neurotypical and autistic. This is NOT to underestimate the impact of autism but to further the recognition that there are so many ways and degrees of being different. Many of those differences are not physically visible, some can actually be “outgrown,” but all of them require insight and compassion to understand, especially in children.

The more I’ve gotten to know a child who has very little social intuition—someone who falls in the middle of that continuum—the more I’ve appreciated the gap between his intentions and others’ perceptions. That gap shifts with each passing year, growing or shrinking with each developmental milestone, but the gap remains a source of distress that puts him at risk for severe misunderstandings.

Here are some specific examples…

— he’s not being greedy when he rushes to take the first/biggest piece; he’s trying to win, because everyone seems to think winning is great (and he hardly ever wins at anything)
— he’s not being cold-hearted when he repeats his request for help cutting his food during my choking fit; he hasn’t processed that what I’m doing should affect what he’s saying
— he’s not unintelligent though he can’t remember your name; his brain just can’t recall names quickly--give him 5-10 seconds and he'll get it right every time
— he’s not being selfish when he gets upset that I'm giving him something second; he’s upset that I’m going in a different order than usual
— he’s not collapsing in a heap because he’s too lazy to clean his room; it just feels impossible to make sense of the chaos--he can’t figure out how to divide the task into steps
— he’s not being ungrateful when you try to offer him a treat and he asks you detailed questions about every option and if there are more options and still can’t decide; he literally cannot figure out what the *right* choice is
— he’s not always trying to get attention when he’s too loud or too close or too rough; he just doesn’t sense things unless they’re turned up a notch
— he’s not trying to stamp out all conversation that’s not about him; he just forgets how to enter into a conversation he didn’t start
— he’s not trying to be insensitive cracking nonsensical jokes at inappropriate times; he just wants to see you smile, and that’s what jokes do, right?
—he’s not overreacting to a momentary injunction; he believes exactly what you said is now a permanent mandate unless you specified a timeframe

—he’s not neglected or overlooked despite his messy hair or odd clothes; he just prioritizes comfort over everything, and it’s not worth battling over a haircut or different wardrobe

--he’s not always angry when it sounds like he’s stomping down the hall or up the stairs; he really is that flat-footed

--he’s not especially rebellious during trips or holidays; he’s just using so much energy adapting to the break from routine that he has nothing left for self-regulation

--he’s not always wild and loud; he’s just overcome by his own excitement at a group gathering; he’s actually a remarkable conversationalist in familiar environs one-on-one.

I’m not trying to make excuses or let someone off the hook for bad behavior. When you know someone well enough, you can start to see when they really are just being greedy or manipulative.

But I also see that discipline alone will not help someone like this suddenly understand the riddle that is social life. They also need teaching, “making the implicit explicit,” reminders, correction, reminders, pictures, role-playing, reminders, therapies, and lots and lots of patience. Not rewarding inappropriate behavior with attention, but also not crushing a spirit that feels blindsided and confused. 

And still, they're not suddenly intuitive, graceful. Will that come with time and maturity? How should one react in those million little moments of annoyance? What underlying lessons will serve them best? And how do the adults in someone's life make sure social gaffes don’t hide their depth and intelligence and creativity and compassion and joy and humor? How do we help them develop the friendships they so desperately want?

We hear a lot these days about isolation and the need for connection, about the need to lean in to people not like us, to stick with real friendships that are messier than virtual ones, and about appreciating the minority voice that doesn’t quite match the dominant culture.

We recently had a visitor who has pastored for 40+ years, and I watched him seamlessly interact with each of my children, meeting them where they are, showing no offense, immediately feeling like a safe, gentle, accepting presence in their lives. And I was reminded *that* is the goal: Christ-like love that doesn’t require social grace or maturity to appreciate the beloved.

And I see God working that out in myself, in my home, in my people. As He does, I cling to His promises to love us better than we love each other, to bring the work He has begun in us to completion, and to soften and stretch my heart deep and wide enough to understand and love well those who see the world differently from me.