Oh wow,
It's been one year since i last posted.
These days, I just want to be alone or just hide myself away at home, away from public or public eye. It's so stressful. I don't post as many things on social media as well.
This year, I am happy that I manage to go back to work. I guess work makes me happy. But i don't really know if its my workplace that is dusty or what, I get sick quite often. That's the worst. Somehow, I have developed a fear of staying in the hospital. Like, i hate it that I don't know how long I have to stay in the hospital, like a prisoner. It's tough for Hafiz too. I need him to stay with me in the hospital because I cannot and I really hate being in the hospital myself. It is so sad and depressing. I guess the previous experiences having to stay in the hospital really2 took a toll on me. Pls pray that I will always be in good health.
Work wise, I've been posted to Seletar Depot by SVP. I was meant to stay in AMD. Half excited, half worried. I need to get my head straight. I mean, it's tough when you are the senior one in your team of 2. It's like you're answerable to many things. But of course, it's also nice that you're given a responsibility.
As for friendships and relationships, I mean, my friends are now mummies! I am happy for them. I don't really feel sad or anything that I am not able to have my own babies. I am happy with the way things are and I always believe that Allah has written down what is best for Hafiz and me.
Because my friends are always busy we catch up whenever we can. And we're okay with that, knowing that we would still be there for one another. Because of this, i don't really keep in contact with many people and i keep to myself. I go to work, go home. Thats about it. I don't contact my parents or in laws much too.
And because of this too, I was so sad when I felt that i was accused of not caring for someone, that I was being selfish. I cried for hours. It's just a long story but for once, i feel like I am not totally at fault too. I always feel guilty. I just feel that, if you need me, you could have reached out. I guess i am not good at msging people and asking them how they are. And so, things have been differently, but as much as the person is upset, I am sad too. It's not that i don't want to give in. But i feel like everytime we fall out, it feels like I am always at fault. Why?! I dont understand. I care for you and always have your interest first, but why is it, everytime my fault?
Sigh. Nevermind. For now, I just want to focus on myself and my recovery together with my husband and my family. I cannot handle another heartbreak.
