hiatus

i'll be gone.

to search my heart.
and my soul.

to gain the confidence that i've lost.

internet wont be the way to search for me.

so go figure.

goodbye.

suckyy

i'm feeling so sucky tonight.

maybe it's because i overheard that conversation. .

Forget it. And so, the post on my past and belated birthday. Pardon me.


2nd December, my parents bought me a new phone. yeh, nokia 6300 (same as his. huhu, didnt ask for that to happen.) and, Weiling, my workmate bought me one of my favourite perfume, Silky Girl Loving You. And, so, went to JB, and got myself a Thai Massage, something which i needed badly. It wasnt as great as Sunway's but it was good of course. Thai massages are always good.

Anyway, thanks for the birthday wishes, by sms, by tagboard, by face and by friendster.

Oh, and, huhu.. rangers. i meant, there was this time that i was hung out with them when at work, me, Hazri, Khai and Mansor. Khekhe, then, the following week, saw Hazri and Khai and they tegured me. And, Hazri, knowing what happend to me, asked if i was okay.

And then at work, on Sunday...

I was stationed at Harbourfront, then, around 10.30 i saw Abang Rafi. Then saw Khai. He walked past then went to the bus. And then, in the bus, Khai did something. Heh. Cute lah seh. Then, during Dolphin last show, saw him again. Haha.. Geeeez.

i miss us so much. too much i'd say. i dunno how long i have to wait. i'm just scared that, either of us would move on, you know, and i'm scared that someone would take his heart away.

"yg baju kuning tu hansem!!"

haiz.. yelah. that's what pakcik yassin heard. baju kuning tu, ex aku lahhhh ok pompan. haiz. sampai bile lah aku kene tunggu? this so reminds me of that 4 months period. arghh. fuckk lah ok. fuck. big fuck. big FUCK. BIG FUCK.

DIAN FARINI, STOP BEING EMOTIONAL AND STOP BORING PEOPLE WITH THIS NEVER-ENDING TALE!!

the never ending.

Yesterday morning i woke up with a heavy heart.

It's like as if my heart has been drowning in tears the previous night. I could feel it bleed. Horrible feeling. Throughout the day yesterday, at work, i wanted to cry so bad. and i sung to myself this song..

"tiada bidadari.. tiada pari-pari..
tiada seranum bunga menghurai ke bumi..
hanya dengan anyaman kasih sejati
di bina mahligai seindah syurgawi.."

and i teared. my heart cried. he sang that song to me one night and i cried as well. (yes, atie.. that's why i didnt want you to sing that song..) the song which never failed to make me cry.

last night, i had a long conversation with Abang Zaid at work. He told me to be positive. He told me that boncet and me would be back together again. but i just don't know why i'm feeling this way. my lost in faith and the faith in fate.

i used to be someone who puts her 100% faith in fate. And everything that's happened or going to happen, i would say, "That's fate.." But this time round, i don't know why i don't have trust in fate.

Maybe, it's the fact that this is the 3rd time we broke up. And, i'm just scared. The turmoil inside is unbearable. I nearly wanted to fall and breakdown at work. But, i couldn't. Not for the 3rd time as well.

And these few days, i can feel the change.

It's confusing me. One day, his actions surprised me, and i thought, why can't we just be this way? Why can't we stick to the way we were?

And the next day, he changed.

Abang Zaid said, i changed this week too. He said, i'm no longer the jovial and pampered person that i was. He said, my eyes gave away my feelings and there's too much sadness in my eyes.

I can't help it. I don't want to feel this way. I'm not trying to show what i'm feeling but like he said, my eyes show them.

Just the other day,

I was at my primary school best friend's place. She came back for holiday from Australia. And we talked for hours and hours and we talked about dating, boys and all girls stuff. and when she talked about dating, suddenly it gave me the shudders that i'm scared to date again. i can't imagine dating again.

(ouh.. just for the record, she has her own HOME THEATRE. like, LITERALLY. just imagine, a small room, with huge flat screen tv, 2 couches, surround sound, theatre curtains and a smaller room of collection of dvds. plus, dimlights like in the movies. HOW COOL IS THAT?!! And i, had the previlege to watch at THAT home theatre. And not to mention, her cat, Chloe, was super manje and her cat,made me overcome my fear and, i'm not scared of cats anymore!)

DILEMMA.

i really wanna cry really bad.

my birthday's like in 2 days and i'm so not looking forward to it. What's the point of having the birthday if i'm upset and really sad and all alone..

Dear God, grant me my wish...

whatevers

i wanted to cry when i read aky's post to his gf.
34th month anniversary pe. stay happy together alright aky and anisah. =)
best wishes you two.

and as for me, non stop tears each night. i can't believe that the day that i've been afraid of for so long has finally come. it's a nightmare. depressed over and over again. scared, time and time again.

tell me, what should i do to calm myself down. i don't wanna get over him. and that promise, i hope he keeps. i'm scared to go through the period again. that 4 months worth of wait, pain, hurt and sheer agony.

dear God, guide me through this period of my life.

let's just forget about this.

last saturday,went to work. and in the morning, abang madi, my ranger uncle, came over to talk to me and he said..

"rin.. budak ni nak kenal2 dgn kau."

and the new ranger guy was freaking embarrased. haha.. then at night, went to sit in the ranger truck then skali, Khai, Mansor and Hazri came.

and we went puffing at the corner of Beach Station. and Khai nye giler. keep singing and singing abeh i went on to 2nd fag and Hazri was like, eh... 2nd? and i was like stress la..
he asked, kenape eh?

and i was like, ditinggalkan kekasih.

and Khai, sang...

"KEKASIHHH TULIS NAMAKU DI DALAM DIARI HATIMU.."

and then...

"USAH BIARKU BERSENDIRIAAAAAN. USAH BIAR HATIMU DITAWAAAAN"

sial nye Khai.. ku dah sedih lagi nyanyi lagu gitu.

haiiz. but at least, heh.... =)

restlessness

Dear God,

please let me go through this process as painlessly as possible. it's so difficult to move on from here. just guide me out of this. i'm scared. i'm worried. so many things running through my mind. so many feelings in this heart. we promised, its for the better. maybe i can't see it now but i know i will soon.

dee.

my friend got herself twins. boy am i happy for her or what. i'm certainly glad that i was one of those who told her to keep the baby and now, they're babies! Babies are a bundle of joy really. well, i can't wait to have one of my own. hah.. dream on lah dee. your own financial sucks to the core and u wanna have a baby. geeeez.

its okay.. i have loads of babies around me. like my favourite..

huhu. my baby azakhir. my becokness baby.

haaiiiiizz.

stop the tears pleaaaasssee.

about 14th November

yesterday was utter disaster.

was out the whole day. initially the planned was to go to fyp but then, yayan called me up and asked what time will i be reaching her house. and since i promised her mum to help wif the sewing of costumes, i should go uh.. so then, i was already at woodlands then peng-ed to 168 to Bedok.

then, slacked a while then asked her mum what to do. and the mum said she'll teach me how to claim the pants. then, she said to yayan to buy some food. and yayan malas. haha. and in the end, me, Yayan and Cik Aini (her mum) ended up taking the cab to Century Square and had lunch at Food Culture.

and i thought we were just supposed to have lunch and go back. but, we went window shopping all around Century Square and saw Yayan's cousin Abang Herman. Then went around Tampines Mall and then saw Abu Zar. Then we were supposed to be on the way back but, we went to Yayan's grandma's place, also Budiman's mum's place.

anddddd.. the baby was dammmnn cute la. Her name is Marsha. =) She's hot! haha

ok then, reached back to their place. then, Hairil, Zoul and Nafis came over to have a look at the costumes. Then took cab to training.

AAANDDD, BLOODY MANGKUK.

Start training, i wanted to sedak my rebana and Nafis said no need. Use Hairil's rebana. And then, while i was using Hairil's rebana, Hairil sedak my rebana, sekali KOYAAAAKKK!

argh fed up siak. gasak kau lah hairil. mungkin pada kau rebana koyak takde pape ah. siak uh, ni rebana first aku sia.

whatever lar. dah tak kuase lar. bende dah terjadi nak buat macam mane.

that aside..

i'm single again. yeah. dun ask why. i think we're better off being friends. my mum was right. u can't put 2 hotheads together.

so i guess this is goodbye then.

ARRRGGHH

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTT!!!!!

FUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK LAAAAAHHH!!!

PEAVEY'S GONNEEE!

URGGGHHHHH!!!

i'm like so fuckingly not in the mood sia training. kalau aku tau tadi, aku sendiri siakk sedak! arrgghhhh.

fuckkkkfuckkkfuckk

long post ahead.

the other day, someone cried because she couldn't handle the pressure and stress of the expectations that people had of her.

and, i saw myself in her.

over and over again, people have been expecting my service. everywhere. i broke down time and time again.

they need me in dikir.
they need me at work.
they fuckingly need me in fyp.
and,
i'm very very much needed at home.

honestly, till now, i have no idea how to handle all these. if i focus on one, the other 3 suffer. so, yeah. and the only thing i can do is to take a day at a time. and the best thing that i let myself do to me, is to have a mental block.

i don't know how i do it. whatever things that stresses me up, i'd block it from my mind and not think about it until it's needed and then, i will stress myself up wif the stress.

and the other best thing that my dad taught me was to never mix and match everything up. he said,

"problems at work, are problems at work. problems at home, are problems at home. you cannot bring problems at work to home, coz then people at home will be affected. vice versa."

as shown to that girl, the handphone, the key and wallet analogy.

chin up, aight kiddo. it's just part of being in poly life, which will prepare you for your working life. and please try to control the mood swings of yours. let you control it, not it control you, after all, you're the human, IT is just feelings.

the holidays ain't holidays at all.

Monday had FYP and Endang training for the next day show.
Tuesday had Show at Bukit Timah Primary then went home, changed and went out wif the family coz it was my brother's bday.
Wednesday, supposed to have FYP but overslept. went to Endang Khatulistiwa training.
Thursday worked at 10-5 then rushed to Bob's place at Tamp for KCC Show training.

Today supposed to go bf's place but he had to help Bob to carry the chairs for KCC Hari Raya show tmr. Going back in a while, watch Hikmah 3 then out again at 6.

life is a whirlwind. how do i slow it down? tell me. in one day, i've to rush in and out in and out. haiz..

but at least, this past week, i managed to spend time with my family. and i really2 miss my brother.



NIE BAPOK SUNDAL KU!

huhu. i'm done. go home and watch HIKMAH 3!

=)

crazy days

4th November 2007

i'm burnt.
i'm drained.
i'm fucking exhausted.

my arms have 2 colours.
my whole body ithes like heck.
my pinggang hurts gile babi.
my calves are aching like mad
my feet's gone case.

as like every year for Singapore Open, i'd be effing shagged the last day. but this year, there were differences. Lots and lots of differences. Major differences this time round.

Well, initially, i was told that i wasn't involved in Singapore Open this year. That, coming from a driver instead of any of my supervisors. And i wasn't the only one who isn't involved. ALL my colleagues weren't involved. So i was thinking, what the hell. My chinese supervisor (i've 3 supervisors. 1 chinese, 1 indian, 1 malay), hired new people to work for the Open and didn't want any of us, the usual bunch, to work for the open.

It wasn't fair to us AT ALL. ALL of us were looking forward to the Open for months and then, we're not involved. What siaa... I called my malay supervisor and asked how come. and she said, even she, wasn't involved too until the manager fucked the chinese supervisor to include her.

and, i was surprised that my colleague, who is the EO's son, wasn't involved too. LIKE HELLO, ME AND HIM ARE THE SENIOREST BATCH! HOW COULD HE LEAVE US OUT?

So what the hell. The first day of the Open, at about 6 plus, my malay supervisor called me up if i could work for the Open and i said of course. So, i suspected something wrong.

And true enuff, first day was haywire.

and they had to call me and the EO's son back. Heh.

so, the saga continued for the 3 days. the Chinese supervisor is the No.1 Hated Guy on the everyone's list. So many things happened these 3 days that i've worked.

Like how, for the first time in the 3 years that i've worked for Singapore Open, i wasn't stationed at the Main Clubhouse. So, i didnt get to meet my favourite golfers like Mr Chris Rodgers and Mr Gerry Norquist and Mr Chan Song. I was stationed there on the 3rd day when i was training the new girl. And the Clubhouse people were so happy that i was there. But it didnt last long. So anyway, i checked the tee-off times for the day. Chris and Mr Norquist were out. Chan didn't participate this year. Still, i saw lots of familiar faces, and apparently, some of them remembered me.

Oh, and so.. i was at the Main Entrance roundabout most of the time. And, haha.. there was this cute cute security guy at the Main Entrance. Tall and botak. Saw him all 3 days.

But the best part of today was..

Today's my Ranger Uncle's morning shift. And that means, Abang Rafi, Abang Khairul and Abang Hazri are working. Huhu.. I saw Abang Rafi like loadsa time. Then saw Abang Hazri wif him. Then, there was once Abang Rafi stopped over and talked to me. He said, "you dah minum? nak beli air tak? you dah makan?"
read: you drink already? want to buy water? you eat already?

typical abang rafi. ahha.

den we talked for a while den i asked him. "abang khairul mane? satu hari tak nampak dia.."
read: where's abang khairul? haven't seen him the whole day..
den he said, "dia kat post. kenape? rindu die ehk?"
read: he's at post. why? miss him eh?

wahlao. takder la. just that i havent been working then i havent seen him around for so long also.

anddddd.. here comes the best part..

i was going to 7-11 wif Salina, and we saw Abang Khairul! hahaha.. den saw Abang Rafi. Den Abang Rafi said, "tu Khairul kat depan. Gi la bebual dengan dia"
read: there Khairul in front. Go and talk to him la.
i was like. "sshhhh. tknk larr."
read: dun want arr
den.. abang Rafi went to Abang Khairul and said something and Abang Khairul looked at me and said,

"Eh, tadi kau carik aku eh?"
read: eh just now u finding for me eh?

wtffff. carik or wad. gee..

but. =)

my brother took off to Thailand this morning for his NCC thingy. I teared ok. He's off to Thailand and i couldn't send him off to the airport coz i had to work. haiz.. 9 days wifout my brother, my best friend, my bastard. i hope he takes care of himself. Haizz..

ahh anyway, i miss the boyfriend a lot. Met him last on Wednesday after dikir training. tu pun skejap jer. haiz.. i tot i could meet him on Friday but they changed the venue to Bukit Panjang. and the worse part was,

it was at his EX-GIRLFRIEND'S UNCLE'S HOUSE.

what the hell. it was fucking akward and uncomfortable lah ok. i've got nothing against her lah but it just felt uncomfortable when the mum asked about him. Coz her mum wanted them to be together so badly. she was like, 'Mane Annuar? Tak datang ke?'
read: where's annuar? he's not coming?

then the guys told her that he had rehearsals at the CC. and si polan nie pulak looked at me and asked,

"Dee asal kau senyum2 ni?"
read: Dee, why're u smiling?

GEE. I know what the heck is going on ok. Apparent her mum still hopes that they're together and still looks for him.

and i was talking to him the same night and he said that the mum msged him and asked him why he didnt come. and i said to him lah it was uncomfortable and awkward for me that time. and i said i don't know why i felt that way. and he guessed right actually about the awkward feeling.

it's the fact that i was at the house of the ex-girlfriend who's mum seems to be wanting them back together and having the mum there was uncomfy. i'm ok with the ex-gf. really. just, the mum i guess.

haizz.. crazy week i've had. crazier week ahead. haiz.

cheebayleestress.

i've been fucking stressed up. with so many things. so little time.

and i thought work would be the last thing which would stress me up but apparently, it's still stressing me up. and i was so confident that i would get selected for the Singapore Open thing but i wasn't. it wasnt until i made a fuss about it and cik Jamilah talked to the manager about it and i managed to work for it.

work, one thing.

dk another. that's the biggest stress right now. i think only Ain knows how stressed i am. and i definitely noe how stressed she is. haiz.. entah lah.. somemore ader odyssey, even though i'm not involved, it's definitely putting stress on me. and to add on, Khatulistiwa, dah ler tak main awok. stress siak.

and fyp. pp. school.

django? ajax? ah buto la. pp due at 2359 hrs tonight. i havent do my rework. pp evaluation next week. ah fuck lah. i'm just gonna have to take it next year then. i'm repeating year 3 anyways. i havent been going to class. mampos lah. school is something which i'm totally giving up sia. i've tried. i can't continue seh. haizz. dunno la.

family.

my mum is so gonna merajuk if i dun go for the Indonesia trip coz it's her wedding anniversary on 20th Dec which is like, 2 fucking days before Khatulistiwa. and apparently, she's like not understanding it. and she says i've no time for family already, which is kinda true. but, siakkk uhh.. it's not that i don't want seh. i've got other commitments. PLUS, kalau this comp aku main awok takper sakz. URGGGHH.

oh my dearest cousin, i'm definitely not stressed about relationship. it's going on pretty well, actually. we're bof stressed about things but not each other. okay, maybe he's stressed wif me if i don't get my beats right. haha. but, other than that, we're pretty ok lah.

only, i just hope what she said during our training affect him lar.

done.

one rainy night, u put a camera in front of these people, and this is what you get. =)

it's been a long time. since everything.

when was the last time i went to class? (surat dah sampai lah ok)
when was the last time i went to my fyp meeting?
when was the last time i blogged?

and like, of course, lots more.

had a tiff with the boyfriend last night. cried like no ones business. it's only natural ok. he doesnt like to hear or see me cry. he thinks its weak. talked to zoul. then talked to faizal from ma workplace. felt much better.

faizal said, to give up.

hah, well.. maybe the old Deey would give up in a relationship. But not this one. Not this time round. i love him.. went to sleep after that and lost track of time until he msged me in the morning and asked me out.

and out we went wif yayan to wild wild wet. it was nuts but, yeah, was fun. =)

ok well so enuff about that.

my blardy brother lost my laptop charger. fucccck. urggh.

ok i'm done.

baby, i love youu.

us

reading those 6 words, you just don't know it cheered my night up in just seconds.

i've really missed you a lot. you know i do, and i'm glad that you felt that way too. we've just been too distant lately, minding our own lives first before minding our lives together.

i love you. i mean it.

randoms.

i kinda hate today. i hate the module.

ok so whatever larhh.

went to school with Nua. every break went out to smoke coz both of us were effing sleepy lah. i went to fetch my cousin from the Airport this morning, reached home at 5am. woke up at 6.50. and went to school.

boredom.

oh anyway,

HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY TO MY YOUNGER BROTHER SHAFIKKI.



huhu.. kids nowadays, they just grow up so fast.

i miss my boyfriend. alotalot.
baby, i need you.

about 13th oct

oh yess. after a year plus, i've finally edited my blog template a little bit. nyahhaha. not my best work coz aku malas. so, just a change to refresh the look of this berlapok blog.

reply to tags first:

ahmad: alamkk,rabak uhh question number 36.malu,..ehh im still studyin laarh..
ChiCka: aah sey.. like so SPOT ON kann. haha. iyekeer.. study kat sentosa keppe.. alah. ko belum start skola lagik per..

Nouru: LOL! Black head again!I'm black head 24/7/
Nouru: Btw, abt the Sentosa thingy, give me 2 weeks (probably 2nd week of Raya) to give you a definite answer. Need to gauge my schoolwork the load de...
ChiCka: what black head? u got blackheads again? oh alright.. just tell me when u're ready for it.

Aky: Melampau eh... Sesungguh nye aku tk fren ko agi. haha
Aky: kat sane aku mkn dengdeng babat DIAN..haha
Aky: LoOk at my blog
ChiCka: Aky melampau sey spam aku tags. aku pun tk fren ko lagi ahhk. EHKK! babat2 slow sikit okeh.. stop it ehh. haha. ko nye babat lagi byk sehhk!

okay enough of the tags.

TOMORROW IS MY 2ND MONTH ANNIVERSARY WITH BOYFIE AND TOMORROW IS HARI RAYA TOO! And.. TMR,
HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY KHAIRULANUAR!

ok, so everyone's posting blogs about raya tmr.

Selamat Hari Raya to all who's reading this. i apologise if whatever i said pissed some of u all off, especially to the Endang girls, i apologise if my actions hurt some of you and yeah, maaf zahir dan batin, ye.

this Ramadan, was the toughest ever Ramadan period i'd have to go through. I did improve on fasting. I remembered when i was in:

Year 1, i only fasted for a week. 3 1/2 weeks gone on smoking and period.
Year 2, better by a bit. Fasted about 2 weeks, 2 1/2 weeks on smoking and period again.
Year 3, 3 weeks, 1 week by period, 2 days coz of smoking, 2 days cause i was injected, 1 day coz i couldnt stand the hunger.

Alah, even so, tak tentu whether some of my puasa days are batal-ed or not.

So anyways, if you all had known, i dyed my hair orange during 2nd week of Ramadan and after that, my parents drifted apart from me. They didnt talk to me and going back home is like going back to a hotel room. Nothing went right. I got picked on for every little thing that i didnt do.

Had a major war going on with my dad one night. and it was the first ever time that i screamed back at him just to defend myself. i know, it wasnt right. but enough of the sarcasm, enough of just saying but not helping. all these while, i've kept quiet and just take whatever he said of me. but that night, it was pretty bad. and the same night, my parents fought and mum went out of the hse at blardy 1.30 am, something which she's never done before.

and it was the first time too, that my 15 year old brother actually knocked some sense to me. a 15 year old boy, scolding a 19 year old girl. whatever he said was true, i'd admit that. it hurts but, it was true.

and for the first time too, abang zaid actually scolded me when he read my brother's msg.

and i had to, dye my hair black again, and try my very best to get my parents' trust again, and just be my parent's little girl again.

he gave me the money to dye my hair black again.

and when i dyed my hair black again, miraculously, my parents were nice to me. imagine what colors does to your life aye? haha. corny.

what i'm trying to get at is, i'm definitely hating the fact that my hair is black. hating it to the core. but, in order to get my parent's attention and trust, i have to give in.

i never liked to give in. i hate giving in. my ego would not have allow me to give in. but i did.

and this, i learnt, giving in does not mean that i lost. it gave my parent's attention back to me.

DearGod,i've sinned again.

long long survey

Answer the following questions:

1. The person who tag you is?
NOURU! AIYOH! Very long sia the survey.

2. Your relationship with him/her is?My secondary school best mate. =)

3. Your 5 impressions of him/her?
-unpredictable thoughts
-may seem gentle but he bites.
-he's definitely enjoying life nw then before in sec sch
- TSUKIKO AMANO FAN~!
- he's a rojak blood. =) ahah

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you?
ohh gosh. tonnes and tonnes of em. he gave me dis heart he drew and cut out when i was 13 and he was 14. i still keep it.

5. The most memorable words he/she had said to you?
we talk a lot. i can't really remember.

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will?
been there done that. and we're like soooo much better off as friends.

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be?
uhhh. i don't know. he's just unique the way he is.

8. If he/she becomes your enemy you will?
i can't imagine that sia. really.

11.Your overall impression of him/her is?
Look at Qn 3.

13.The character(s) you love of yourself is/are?
i'm pampered. but no matter whatever that pulls me down, i still manage to keep calm. i'm patient i guess

14.On the contrary, the character(s) you hate of yourself is/are?
i'm too patient till people take advantage of me.

15.The most ideal person you want to be is?
someone who's strong in whatever obstacles i face.

16.Pass this quiz to 10 people.in alphabetic order.

1. atie

2. ahmad

3. aky

4. diana_vanderh =)

5. farah

6. jay

7. lee

8. linda santos

9. shacute

10. syasya

17.Who is no.6 having relationship with?
WAKAKAKA. i know whooo. his name is MR S.

18.Is no.9 a male or female?
Female.

19.If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
nah. they don't know each other and they're both females



20.How about no.8 and 5?
oh, they were classmates. aha. and they're both females, again.


21.What is no.2 studying about?

He's not studying.He's working in sentosa.


22.When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
Last August during Endang's chalet.


23.What kind of music band does no.8 like?
she's a bit of rockish and indie.

24.Does no.1 has any siblings?
yepps.

25.Will you woo no.3?
AKY?! Giler pe? He's got a gf and i've got a bf. kalau aku single pun aku taknak. huahuahua


26.Is no.4 single?
i would like to think that she's finally found mr right, but, what do i know?


27.What's the surname of no.5?
farah bte maz'ali?


28.What's the hobby of no.4?
she loves to sing, and play the guitar. she loves music. =)

29.Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
they don't know each other

30.Where is no.2 studying at?
for the 2nd time, he's not studying!

31.Talk something casually about no.1?
no.1 would be someone i think is very straightforward and very talented.

32.Have you try developing feelings for no.8? '
brewww no~ we'll be like, i hate you bitch. ahaha.

33.Where does no.9 live at?
yew tee? choa chu kang? agaknye lah tu.


34.What color does no.4 like?
oh my god. i don't know.

35.Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
they don't know each other.


36.Does no.7 likes no.2?
haha. no but 2's trying to ask 7 out for a date.


37.How do you get to know no.2?
at work. he's my colleague

38.Does no.1 have any pets?
i don't know.

39.Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?
HAHAHA. Ohh yesss.. hornily yes. =) ahha

glimpse of the past.

yeps,

for those who do not know, my hair is back to black. (maaaaakaaaaaaaau fedd up seeeeyaaaak!) this is because, abang zaid has been tegur-ing me non stop about my hair and he even gave me the money to dye my hair black back. and, now, it's really black. like, after all this years, my hair is finally black. like, all black. and its even darker den usual natural black. jet black. arrrggggggh.

but the good thing is that, it matches my all my kebayas for raya. =) i'm gonna leave it for a few months then i'm gonna dye my hair again. i don't care.

OH HEHHH. After all these months, haha.. Abang Shahid talked to me. The Abang Ranger with floppy hair. =) So, okay laa.. I HAD a crush on him last time but he's married and has 2 kids. Back to my story.. I was at work on Saturday at Dolphin Lagoon. And he was there. I gave this look, something to do with my lips, which i have no idea how to explain.. And he gave me the exact same look while he was riding towards me. Then he stopped and we had this conversation:

abang shahid: tuari nampak kat ni...
deey: kat toys'r us kan??
abang shahid: tu kat toys'rus lain.. tu memang nampak.
deey: so it was u lah that time..
abang shahid: yaa. takde nie, semalam nmpk u kat anak melayu
deey: (terkejut giler babi) anak melayu?! u have anak melayu?? abeh nampak kat anak melayu.. malunyerr..
abang shahid: (tersengih dan ketawe and rode off)

paiseh lah ok. hahaha.. of all places seh. mak kaoz. malu lahhh. i mean, i know that one of the Abang ranger has an AM. His name is Hazri. I talked to him before while waiting for my uncle (who also works as a ranger). And i got to know Amy (Thabri), also a ranger, from AM as well and we got really close before all the drama happend.

But, Abang Shahid is like, the last person i want to know that i've got AM. Like, viewing all my pics there.. Not that it's obscene or what. It just feels weird thats all.

But i shouldn't care anymore lah actually.

i have a boyfriend and i'm very much in love with my boyfriend and i also know that my boyfriend is very very much in love with me. khekhe. and my boyfriend's just the greatest boyfriend i've ever had. =)

This Saturday, not only will be it be Hari Raya Aidilfitri, but, it will also be our 2nd month together, Insya Allah.

I'm so happy that, i've finally found myself a real relationship after all these years. the relationship which i've been waiting for with the person whom i love unconditionally. He was there all along in my life, for 2 years. But i guess, we were too caught up with our own lives that, we've never really thought that we could ever be who we are today. Everything's just so surreal with him. He's not only my boyfriend, but he's also my best friend, my listening ear and my comfort. Sure, we argue but, he sure does give in a lot and i should stop picking fights with him.

ku terpaut sejak pertemuan itu, hatiku berkata ingin mengenalimu

the first line Ku Ukir Namamu by Lovehunters. he felt that way. the first time he saw me was back in 2005. he saw me, i didn't see him.

then, as fate would have it, we got to know each other from Anak Melayu. We'd chat once in a while, we've got that common interest. The next time, we saw each other was when he was out in Sentosa with his friends back in early or mid 2006. One of his friends was my friend, so i was talking to my friend and he said Hi to me. i was like, ohh hi.. haha.. Then, we were just hi-bye friends. We didnt msg each other. It was only his once in a while good night msges or take care msges.

and he would be around. like late last year, around October 2006? saw him once in a while. he was preparing for an event, i was preparing for another separate event. and then, we would bump into each other once in a while. he would disturb me but i was shy and step mane peh sombong uh and we didnt really talk that much.

and then there was this event, last march 2007. i was preparing for this event. and the day before the event, i msged him if he was taking part in the event but he said he wasn't and he was just watching. so, i was like, ok. and during the event, while watching, i saw him on stage. he was the lead singer. and it was the first time i saw him sing and boy was he good.

after the event, i saw him again. i said to him sarcastically.. "dengar2 orang tu kate tak main aper.." and he just smiled and i walked off. 2 days later, he called me up. and we talked for hours. 3 hours? 4 hours? i can't really remember. but that was the day when i found out, that he liked me eversince the first time he saw me in 2005. and we became a couple. and we broke up a few days later coz of my dad. that was like, at 4 am and i was asleep and i woke up and read the msg and cried on the spot. and a week later, we got together again. and then we broke up again coz he said his mum found out. He promised me that we'd be close friends.

and after that we never got together again till 13th August 2007.

i've never really loved anybody else ever since we broke up the 2nd time. there was never anyone like him. i tried to love another but i could never bring myself to love anyone else except him. i waited for 4 months, everyday in pain and hurt. Initially, the pain was that, you know that you love someone, and that someone loves you too, but you two just cant be together coz the situation doesnt permit it. it hurts effing bad. and then, as time goes by, the anxiety and curiosity thinking whether he still has feelings for me hurts me.

but patience.. helped me through. the day that he said he still loved me was unforgettable. and the day that we got back together was unexplainable. this time round, no more excuses. no more obstruction. his love was what i wanted the most in the world. and i've got it now. and this time, i'm not letting go that easily.

he's the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

lautan api sudah pun ku renangi, ku ukirkan namamu di hati yang jadi pujaanku

wednesday

back.

so anyways, havent got the mood to go to class these few days. been really shagged.

Monday, went to school for training. went back to playing awok. boyyy oh boyy it felt good. all these while, i've been slacking and been playing anak. and then, i'm back to being an awok. it felt really good, though my wrist hurts a little. but yea, it will mend.

Tuesday, went to Geylang (like, again. geez, its like i go to geylang every week.). This time, went with Sentosa and Pizza Hut people. From Sentosa, there were Ahmad, Hilmi and Me. Pizza Hut, uhmm. maybe 4 of them whom i don't know, one was my classmate Anuar. And the 1/2 Sentosa and 1/2 Pizza Hut, Fadly and Fuad.

Left them at 9 to meet the family at City Plaza to get the family's baju kurung.

And, THANK GOD I ONLY HAVE TO SHOP WITH MY MUM ONCE A YEAR.

She spent 3 hours just to get me and her a set of kebaya each! She's like a blardy worse shopper than me lah ok. I got so pissed off ler. Mums. They just can't make up their minds sometimes. Sheeeesh!

So anyway, was watching Live The Dream. And By Definition's lead singer's like soooo cute lah can! I just like their concept and their costumes. It's cool lah. But i kinda prefer the Catinecradle's lead singer. His voice rocks uuhh. And anyway, Victor Tang sucks, big time.

I kinda hate the fact that my dad goes, "AHHH Melayu, tak boleh menang! Fendi mesti kluar punye. Yang Singapore Idol dah dua2 melayu menang takkan ni nak kasi melayu menang lagi!"

read: "AHHH MALAY can't win. Fendi will go out. Both Singapore Idols were won by Malay so don't expect another to win this time round!"

i was like, hello??? Society has changed ok. And it's proven, TWICE. I think our society is mature enough to not let the race win over a person's talents. If society still thinks that way, i doubt Taufik Batisah and Hady Mirza would even win. But i do think that it's kinda ironic that in the all 3 finals, SI1, SI2 and Live the Dream, the final 2 would be 2 guys, 1 chinese and 1 malay. Oh anyhoos, i would much prefer Shauna Simon to be in the finals so that it would give the finals a more cutting edge coz she definitely has more talents then Victor Tang, who, i'm just thinking that he's just a lucky fella who has many rich friends.

Like seriously!! Oh well.. By Definition's gonna win anyways. =)

fucked up

generally, i'm a patient person.
and i try not to be emotional because all these while, i've considered myself to be a thinker and not a feeler, and everything should have a rational explanation.

but these few days, i've just been pushed so hard that i just feel so down and stressed and useless. and i cried myself to sleep yesterday. it made me feel better, yes, but just a bit and the hurt is just so intense. i just couldnt stop myself from feeling the way that i'm feeling.

first of all,
my handphone bill is still not paid. yes, athousandfivehundred all in all. and i'm freaking broke.

secondly,
i'm feeling the stress in school. i can't stand finance and banking. i hate it like so much. i can deal with the other modules but this, it just sucks.

thirdly,
ahh well. we don't need to dwell in this third matter.

i don't know whether it's just me. or the situation that i'm in.

thank goodness i met Sandy Bobandy just now and i just told her whatever that was troubling me coz she knows me and how my temperaments are. felt kinda better after talking.
Well, at least i know, even though we don't meet that often, we're still as close as ever.
o
i love sandybobandy. =)

siggh.

should i just voice it out? but the thing is, i don't want to make it seem as if i'm finding faults. but if i don't then, it will just go on and on and on.

i'm really not in a good mood today. and i think it's gonna last the whole day. plus, i'm gonna have FYP meeting before training. thats gonna add in to the bad mood.

and when it comes to training, that's where all the accumulated bad mood will be at. and plus, haizz.. takmo cakap lah. the more stress i'll be.

not a typical thursday

kalau nak ikotkan hati,
nak aje aku pekik2 and nangis2 sekarang sebab aku terlalu stress.
nak aje aku angkat kaki and cabut dari class nie.
nak aje aku ckp dengan budak sebelah aku ni yang dia ni selenge bacin and tak tolong langsung and bebual konek jer.

tapi, nak kene banyak sabar.

so anyways, i was just going through my pictures yesterday. my life journey. =)


Back in those days in Hua Yi Secondary School. 1st picture when i was in ELDDS, 2nd picture, Sec 3 and was a school Sheriff. =)

When we were young.. =) My Malay Class of 2004
Just look out for the 2005 pic. we look sooo different.

My first ever job. Monorail Operator in Sentosa. Those were the best times in my life. Met the bestest and funnest people ever. =) That's when i learnt how to grow up coz i was the baby amongst the group and they showed me nightlife. But the stint ended for only 4 months. =(

And then came, the days in RP. I joined a lot of IGs. Student Ambassador, MCG, Hip Hop IG.


okay that's for my 2005. compare la the Hari Raya pic to the 2004 pic.. Sume muke mcm decent mane je dulu. khekhe..

Now for 2006!!

2006, i focused more on Drama because i quit Tarian coz i couldn't do Malay dancing. So in MCG, I was more of the floater. And, i helped Adiratna in one show.

here comes 2007!!


My 2007 is full of Endangs. =) The highs and the lows.

REPLY TO TAGS:

SYASYA: thanks dear. =)

NOURU: I DID!! HAHA

ATIE: abeh aku nak buat ape? aku dah type. and pun its obvious. ahaa

Ridz: i wasnt in jurong east anytime dis week. hmm. u guys plan ah. i just follow.

diana_vanderh: ahaha. yeah right. pfftt.

i'm fucked up. bye.

sunday

its time to update.

last weekend, major war took place at home. don't ask. fucked up.

and last sunday, went to work and i didn't last long. 5 hours work. a pathetically 5 hours work. thats like so unlike me not to tahan with the weather but that day was really bad lah. freaking hott and bright. and not to mention my hair was obvious and wearing a cap didnt help. fyi, service people are not allowed to be in that colour hair.

so i went home, thinking, should i go to the CDM show or not that night coz i was flushed and really tired and burnt. and also the boyfie, aware of the situation at home, told me not to go and told me to spend time at home. so i tot, ok lah. aku pun cam malas.

but then, in the bus, si Atie msg. asking what time to meet later. so, then, i changed my mind. then met Atie to Geylang and buka-ed wif the boyfie, Hakim, Hakim's gf and the superstar Zoul.
and then went to Singgahsana and saw YAYAN!!!!

hehhh.. rindu bangert lohh. and.. of course, sebelah Yayan.. Mak Bapak dia lah. haha. heh. Mak Bapak dia pun mak bapak detu. =)

so then salam2.. and then, their Wawak (grandma) came wif their Uncle. So i was going to salam his grandma and his Dad was like.. "Ah niee.. Salam ni.. Nenek *si Dia*"
sungguh Paiseh lah ok. i mean, i'm okay wif his parents lah. met them a couple of times. but then grandma?? khekhe.

ok den show started.

and it happened. those who went to the show and those who saw what happend, you'd understand why. he tried to make it right. but it wasnt enuff. coz it already affected the group.

bukan salah u k sayang.. its just your habit to sing that song like that. and dorg tak sampai.. dey tried their best. you tried your best too. and u did make an effort to lower it.

"sometimes even good singers have their bad days."

ohh.. and its so cute that after like sooooo long.. me and the boyfriend, we're chatting on Anak Melayu.. the webbie which we got to know each other. den mcm cute lah pulak.. khekhe.

reply to tags.

diana_vanderh: 'i feel loved' heh. ;p hehe. k k understand. nice iftar pics
ChiCka: hehhhh. yesyes! u know how i feel. =)

atie: haha. obit benar. haha. bt ur hair clr lukin nicer. [js tu make u feel beta. hahaha] ouhouh, gmbr tk senonoh seyy aku yg de 2nd one. lau tgk btl2 den nmpk. sheesh
ChiCka: aku tau! kau tgh button baju kau seh atie. aku nk tgk lah seh kebaya pakai zip.. haha. ouuhh jut to make me feel better lah?? haha. thanks ahh.

Ain: Eeeeww! Muka Zoul kelakar seh! Haha! ish3! Tergelak seh!
ChiCka: BUROK KANNN? hahaa

Wirni* <3: Ahaha dian!!! I gt our picture up in my blog tooo!!!!!!
ChiCka: wakakaka!! yayness! haha.. good job to iftar comm btw!

'SHACUTE™: Makcikkkk! Warna Rambut Lawaaaa. Saya SUkaaaaaa! Anywya, Bila Nak Keluarrr!
ChiCka: AWAK SUKE SAYA PUN SUKE. hahaha. adoiii. soalan cepumas tuuhh. awak pegi lah kol si ilah tu. die yang busy bebenar.

marciano: i received a letter from sentosa.was like duhh,viky ada kasi kau ZAPP??
ChiCka: tkde pun. aku agak aku belum check mail. ZAPP or wadd. if i get this ZAPP, its the 2nd one. YAHOO!

ok. thats for the tags.

ok. well.. thats it.

updates.

I FOUND THE SONG WHICH I'VE BEEN WANTING!!

Jampi cerampah by dikir temasek II. suke lah sey. and i like it more when cdm bring that song. style lah their steps that time during that show at kampung melayu last week. but i watched the video during their yishun show.. that's better sia.

sekuntum cengkih sedikit cekur sejengkal halia
tujuh helai sireh urat bertemu salaikan ia
darah si ayam putih tujuh titis air mata buaya
Rumus di dalam cengkih diiringi jampi cerampah

oh anyway, i'm blogging at mac again. there's a mad woman at the table beside mine. and she stinks. big time. i'm just hoping she goes away quick lah. i just have this deep dislikeness for stinky people lah. oh and she's talking to herself but nobody's noticing her. ok whatever.

when i came in to mac, saw this mac delivery guy. didnt really look at him lah. but then he went behind the counter and i saw his face clearly. and i'd notice that face anywhere.

md nurhaizal, one of my primary school best friend. i dunno whether he recognise me with my new look or not lah. i saw aziz too, my colleague from sentosa.

ok, the mad lady is scaring me.

last wednesday, rp's iftar. it went well lah. some pics..

me and wirni
step formal lah nie?



me and my future leader. =)

zoul stop it sia muka. haha

i love this one.

my favourite. bdk2 dikir yang pergi iftar and the 2 heads. Dian and Danial.

ok. thats all the update. besok training. wheeee! sunday keje!! YESSAH!

but then, kerje but abang nazree won't be around anymore. boring lahhh. didnt even get a chance to take a pic of him. but i've got one snapshot of him. haha. but entah mane aku letak.

ok. i'm done.

shutup

so he found out. and so, i got to stop.

really soon, baby. i promise.

yesterday watched i now pronounce you chuck and larry with hairil, nafis and zoul. kekek lah okeh. hahaha. its a must watch but only for 18 and above. HAHA.

we finally talked on the fon last night. talked till sahur. haha.

i feel loved. haha. =)

hair issues

no pun inteded with the reddish orange thing. now my hair is reddish orange too. lol. my dad freaked out when i came out with this color hair.

oh anyway, went to geylang with my cousin and her friends, then.. we went off on our own and bought like lotsa food. and went to break fast at our usual place.

when we met at jurong east, she looked at my hair and was like, "what happend to your hair?!"

ouh gee.. just a different colour.

okok.. i realise that its very striking and it stands out and i looked like a minah. but hey, there's a minah in every malay girl. hurhur.

oh and anyways, met like a lot of people i know and it started out with seeing my ex Ayul at Paya Lebar. Then walked off and saw another ex, Apai. Then went to 2nd Chance at TKC and saw EME and Hulk. Then saw a whole other bunch of people. Dila Adiratna, Kyn Adiratna, Naqiah Adiratna, Erma, Roy, Faris, and even saw Ifah. ahahha. i kept forgetting that yesterday was a Saturday night, hence, the many terserempaks.

hrmmm..

sometimes, i feel being in class is so much better than staying at home. and going to dikir training is so much better than being in class.

but, i can't do dikir for the time being. my wrist is being a bitch. i can't clap properly. one of the stitch came out when i wanted to apply the cream. bitch lah ok.. main rebana also, my wrist keep touching the panci.. lagik sial.

uhhh.. gonna wear the dress kak diana bought for me tmr! like wheeee. hehh.

reddish orange.

chicka and diabz are wearing this colour. =)

went to geylang ytd. round and round and round and after hours of searching, finally manage to get the colour. it was either purplish pink or reddish orange. and this was perfect match to it. den while waiting for the bus to Tamp...


then went to TM to watch Underdog. Funny lah okeh. I'm not really a fan of dogs but Underdog is cool lah. Funnny giler.

"THERE'S NO NEED TO FEAR! UNDERDOG IS HERE!!"

hahaha.

then we went to buke at s-11. anddd.. my fav lah ok.. the mee kuah there's like so nice. well, then took the bus to his place, and i went home.

i just can't wait to end school today. gonna buka with the loves from sec school. gonna meet jalilah, ridzuwan and md noor. my sec sch besties. its been ages since all of us saw each other and hung out together la.

i'm borrrrrreeeeddddd.

loves.

OH OH OH!!!!!

I TOOK PICS OF MY WRIST WHEN MY DAD PUT THE CREAM ON IT!

not for the weak hearts. =)




disgusting kan????

my wrist look so deformed. fed up sia.. can't even clap properly. can't henjot my wrist anymore. ARGGGH. It looks terribly disgusting. and my dad said coz i moved my wrist alot thats why the stitch looks like they're going away from each other.

disgusting kan kan kan?

oh you know, i was youtubing and was watching the vid during our Taman Warisan show. It was like the best show i've done these 2 years. Like gerek lah.. It's something different. It's not totally gelanggang but it was great lah. mane ade show asek main tepuk 10 ajer. hahaha. but its fun and i really wanna thank Abang Sarip and Abang Zul from Chingx3 who invited us to be part of this show and also Abang Zul Harapan lah who tegured us about our performance during trainings. Also... The friendships made with the Chingx3 and Harapan guys and also our adik2 from TKDD.

I read the Endang tagboard this morning. An "Endang killer" was trying to bring the group down.

17 Sep 07, 15:19

endang killer: endang korg boleh pelan pelan kayuh ok

17 Sep 07, 15:18

endang killer: endang korg rasa korg boleh pergi jauh ke? aku tak rasa korg boleh hahaha kalau korg boleh tunjuk kan ar kebolehan korg kat khatulistiwa or comp open tgk cara korg perform pun there's no power in it

Firstly, endang killer, kau rase je kite tak boleh gi jauh. tu kau yang rase. kite rase kite boleh pegi jauh pulak tuu. khekhekhe. memang kite nak tunjuk kan kebolehan dan identity kite time Khatulistiwa, jadi tunggu eh, comp belum sampai lagik. sabar menanti ye. Allah... Kalau nak judge kite time comp Raja Panggung tu, tak fair lah kan.. coz it's our first comp.

and aniway, memang kite tengah kayuh pelan2 nieh.. bukannye kite naek speed boat lah seh. wadduhh2.. bingung dibuatnya.

to my endangs, please lock this deep in your hearts and minds.

i opened up this group not to let it fail. i work my ass off to get this group to start and all the tears and pain that i've gone through, seeing you girls fail will not be something which i want to see.

remember the first time we met? sorry lah eh i was very shy. i didnt even wanna meet you all coz i dunno what to say and i was just effing nervous.

and then, remember when they said, there were other instructors coming? that was the hardest part which i had to deal with. i'd cry thinking if they would really be our instructors, not that i dun like them, but its just, i've plans of my own. but, i really came out and did what i should do.

THIS IS MY GROUP AND NO ONE ELSE CAN AND WILL MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME. I BUILD UP THIS GROUP AND WHO ARE THEY TO THINK THAT THEY CAN MAKE DECISIONS FOR ME?

and so, this is us now. =)

i love you girls. dun forget that. =)