Fallen Hero

I last saw him about two weeks ago.... It took me alot of courage to go next door to the New Block and see him..I dilly dallied as long as i cud.. coz deep in i knew it wasnt going to be long.. Typical deepta-coping-strategy...avoid, pretend its not happening... But i went in eventually..

I remember being shocked at how frail..how thin he had become in just a span of a month. His legs were like sticks..n he was just lying down on the bed and trembling.. I went up and said "Hey Abu, its me Deepta"... He dint even register what I said, or for that matter who I was.. he just went on shivering and muttering something... And there was a difference with this visit..I could sense it. While there had been earlier good days.. and bad days.. He almost always recognized me at some point..even on his bad days... I couldnt stay any longer, I ran away.

During this long weekend, I knew i shoud drop by again..just for a few mins and see him.. but i never got around to doing that... I don't know if it was just sheer laziness, or the fact that I did not want to go and see him like that again...something which made me feel ashamed of myself...


Abu was my father's father... a cool grandad i must say.. He had been in the airforce in his hey days...a retired colonel by the time i grew up...
I remember him laughing and cracking silly jokes with me, my cousins and my friends.. and always encouraging us to try out his assortment of drinks...most of all i remember so many ppl grinning at his audacity and going "man wat a hep grandad!"

I remember him and Kuku in Dubai with us...chasing us around tables and playing tt over the dining table and tissue boxes as nets...

I remember what a cricket fanatic he was... and how he used to abuse and cheer the indian team during every match they played....

I remember how heartbroken he was when my father died... I remember him telling my mom that God had made a mistake and taken the wrong life...he wished he had died instead... It made me wonder and realize the pain a parent goes through when their own child dies before his time...

Life went on...we all grew up... And yet Abu was the same everytime I saw him... a bit older, a bit more frail, a bit more white hair than last time... but the same.. Amidst all that growing up confusion..there was always a sense of security and familiarness...our rock..the New Block and Abu..nothing changes there...

But then, two years ago he suffered a bad stroke.. I remember coming down from Bombay and seeing him in the hospital...barely coherent..he was like a baby, in a barred cot and drooling...he had to wear these big magnifying type of glasses.. and could only hear from one side...it broke my heart... Abu being reduced to that state... No one thought he would survive.. and yet he did... he bounced back and was soon home again...

It wasnt the same tho... He wasnt the same.. He was weaker...he gradually lost interest in his surroundings...even cricket didn't arouse the fervour it used to... He was slowly going under... His days were getting monotonous.. his bad days occuring more often.. when he didnt realize who was around him or what was happening.. there were days he was barely lucid... It used to always tear me...seeing Abu being helped by a nurse or one of us to go to the loo.. to wash up... It saddened me to see him...so independent, so proud...to be reduced to this state... It saddened me to see his new life routine...5 meals a day... his life revolved around those mealtimes.. he measured his days by those times... My fallen hero...
And yet through it all there were daily moments he somehow managed to shine through... the Abu of the yore... with his "Enna mas"..


Abu died day before yesterday...

I didnt cry when i heard about it... I didnt break down like i did when i saw him in the hospital after his stroke... There was just this roaring in my ears n everything around me seemed surreal.. I rememebered actually talking to pinks about the plumber...but it wasnt me...
I wanted to go and say bye to him... and yet i didnt... I didnt want to see Abu dead... Abu a body...It was like deja vu..my dad.. n now Abu...
I was afraid..I wondered if it was wrong of me...to not go...and yet Arvind convinced me to go..very subtly..all he said was "Your call, go and pay your respects to him...but if u cant handle it, it not wrong".. It made me feel small... it made me ashamed...and more than anything i wanted to say bye to Abu.. I made up my mind.. I went to see him one last time...

The rituals were a blur... All I could see was him lying there...at peace finally...

And so am I... at peace with myself.. I'm glad i went.. I'm glad i saw him.. I'm glad I said my goodbyes to him... No guilt... Just gotta get along the business of picking up the pieces of life and moving on again...

A Moment in Time

Sometimes it so happens that you feel like you're chugging along a smooth, paved road...everything is beautiful and calm.. The sun is shining bright, the flowers are in full bloom and a swirl of riotic colours, the sky is deep blue and the clouds pretty as ever, the birds chirping.. and you're enjoying the ride.. God is in heaven and all is right with the world...

And then suddenly outta nowhere a big bolt of lighting strikes and everything turns chaotic...the whole idyllic picture is gone in a flash and you're left all alone in the dark groping... Its like a dark void opening up..a huge, black, bottomless hole.. and you're gonna keeping falling...falling...

Thats how I felt the other day...

I wonder whether life is playing a cruel joke on me... I almost feel like I'm heading the right way, everything is gonna fall into place.. And yet when things got a little serious, when I dared to look a little further ahead, it didn't seem so clear cut after all... And that hurts. There are some people I just can't imagine life without... I don't want to actually.

There are so many dreams, so many hopes... I'm the eternal cynic who loves dreaming but am scared to dream too much, hope too much... Especially when it becomes clear that others you want to, don't want to figure in them. Or don't wanna share them. OR don't wanna be part of them.

They say dreams die hard. I agree with that..so many of them tend to do that.

But sometimes they may come true...

Ironies of Life..

Was cleaning up my inbox the other day and came across this lil poem that I had recieved several years ago... I remember how much I liked it at that time..and I still do now. The difference being that there is some change now..in the way I interpret the poem. Before, I took it for its face value...and now, its so much more than that...there's alot of meaning in the words. Its the way we deal with life.. The irony of it is just too hard to ignore...

FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in. It's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

The Comedy of Errors...and Pinks

My flat-mate or PG as she likes to be called...has several quirks. Something on the other always keeps happening to her...and its hilarious...as long as one doesnt come in the way of her faux pas! I've never seen so many things just happen to one person and in general the person concerned herself, is such a bundle of energy and life...and mishaps! (obviously with all that hyperactivitiness and energy there are bound to be many of them - and alot of them worth howling over!!) And one day I was like "Man I simply gotta share all this...!" So here it goes..

What ever that follows here is a true account of events that may not be quoted, or lifted or copied or circulated without the author's consent..for the simple reason that my life is at stake here! :)

1) She is THE Queen of Zombies in the mornings and after any nap (which is rather frequent). One should not even bother to attempt any conversation for atleast 30 mins till the queen has woken up fully. Serious and urgent situations may be pushed a little earlier, like 15 mins, but no less than that! The incidence that I've described here is a typical scenario that occurs on a daily basis, with an assortment of people!
After weeks of desperately hunting for a maid, and the flat a total mess, one prospectus finally landed up one fine day at about 8am. And Pinkie was woken up from her slumber. With her hair sticking in all ends and half shut eyes, she staggered to the front door. (Well I didn't really see all this for myself but I have seen her several times before and I know for sure this is a very accurate picture!) Instead of even letting the maid talk, Pinks mumbled and muttered and in short told the maid to come back coupla hours later and slammed the door shut on her face.. Ofcourse, the prospectus never came back again. And that was that.

2) She always manages to bang into something/someone or drop something a some point of the day, especially food and booze...and pretty often on a poor soul's pants...

3) Shes capable of getting lost anywhere, even in the building we live in! I remember once she went downstairs ahead of us...and somehow despite several smses and calls, was unable to locate the rest of the gang till some 10 mins later...right at the main gate which is where we told her we were all the while!!

4) A noble and true alcohol (read, smirnoff) lover, but with a horrendous low capacity. And whens she high...all I can say...Watch out! On her high moments she gets it into her head that she's a world famous bar tender and cocktail mixing expert..all in my tiny bar at home. She bangs away at the counter and orders people to the bar at regular intervals to drink her mixes (eh..actually she only knows one!) . And once she gets it into her head that she wants a mix, be it morning, afternoon or night, it doesnt matter!

5) Food lover... Pinks favourite quote goes like "I love food!" and an even more comment lament "I am hungry" - this said with a doleful face and her hand making circles around her poor lil tummy... For the record, I havent met any other girl in my entire life who..ahh lets say...has a "healthy" appetite the way Pinkie does. :)

6) She SUCKS in cricket commentary. In the recent SL-India series I had to practically beg her for regular updates as she was working from home and basically had the tv in front of her! Moreover, it was the penultimate match that would decide the series. It was only after alot of pleadings and a promise to make dinner for that day that she agreed to give me the updates through smses.... And what updates! I could have cried with sheer frustration and rage except for the fact that they kept me in splits at the same time! One message would say, "India 123/3 24 overs", with the following one reporting "India 120/4, 26 overs, Fernando just hit a 4, 38 runs", and the next one would be "Ind 132/3, Fernando going strong", etc etc... Aing! And for all those cricket illiterates, Fernando is a SL bowler.. So you see, she sucks in cricket commentary but atleast one is able to get some vague picture about the match proceedings!:)

7) She's a horror buff and regularly watches them, and yet gets shit scared after each movie. So scared that she can't even go out to the terrace for a smoke on her own! I wonder if this is a rare form of sadism?! The scariest one she's collected here so far has been "The Shutter"...a thai movie. Pinks freaked out...yelps and screams were generated every few minutes and punctuated with intervals of her running and hiding under my chair and peering out at the TV through me, the chair and between her fingers that were over her eyes! And this is another regular scenario with most horrors!

And yet...through it all I wouldn't ever want to miss this chance of knowing her the way I do now! She's one of the whackiest, happy-go-lucky and most bindaas girl I've known...who has the talent to get along with anyone and everyone! Nonetheless she has her own shades of gray and mood swings...but put all that together and you get the one and only Pinkie Borgoyari!

Just some thoughts...

Hmmm...its been a while since ive posted something.. Whenever something happens..I always go like I oughta put it up here, but then it just never happens...I wonder why... is it laziness or is it the fact that I'm not very comfortable with others reading what I'm writing about..coz its something that comes within me and I am not the type to share my thoughts and feelings so easily...but at the same time, this blog gives me the space to just be me...

Anyways I've noticed in the last few months, I seem to be changing, i find myself thinking in different ways about many things...for the better or worse..I don't know...maybe it's just a part of growing up, new responsibilities, and learning about life, relationships and generally dealing with the big bad world out there. Funny..how at different stages of life, you feel as though you've finally made that great big leap and u go like "hey so I'm finally seeing the big bad world"..thats what I thought when I joined college..and then I realized that was nothing compared to what I saw in my post grad level..so i was like hey so this IS the real world...and still again I'm learning now that it wasnt actually much...and NOW is what the real world is..with what work pressures, living on my own (albeit in comfort but still...) and yet I know, at the next stage I'll look back and realize that this also isnt really IT..and somehow there's lots more...
Its weird...as a kid I couldn't wait to grow up and now while I'm well into the process, I just wish I could stop time and go back to being a kid again....

Of late I've been really thinking about others..relationships...with friends, with my family...and with certain others... Funny how someday it strikes one that you just can't do without some people..and that you can't help hurting them either. I'm just praying that what ever happens....everything will turn out great. I have always love the song...Que Sera Sera...whatever will be, will be....but I also know in the end, we all also have a part in whatever happens.... So I'll just wait and see what happens for now...and just hope...hope...

Its a mad mad world...

For nearly 2 weeks now, I have been crying over this WHO report/study that I am working on, based on the communal riots in Gujarat about 3 years ago. The amount of literature and information that I have gone through the last few days only reinforces the hatred between the two communities. The pictures that I have seen are classified...the media was banned from publishing them..but the NIMHANS relief workers had their own stores...and it was downright shocking. Images of people burnt, slaughtered and disabled by the mobs.. Each picture had its own story and yet all had the same storyline behind them. One especially haunts me...it was a picture of a small little boy burnt, skin peeling apart from head to toe, one thigh scorched to the bone, his face grotesque..and he was just small innocent boy who happened to be attacked just because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time with angry mobs baying for blood.

Its beyond my comprehension...why do people hate each other on the basis of religion?? Its a narrow minded bigot world! Where people hate certain other people just because they believe in different things and worship different gods..Its such a small irrelevant thing in the larger context...that of the person himself. I wish people would realize this...I wish they would stop being so brainwashed by a minority who believes that religion is top priority. That is the saddest thing, many people don't even realize they are being manipulated this way..especially in a place like India where the majority of the people are heavily into stuff like karma and religion; they are just pawns in the bigger game...Like my title says "its a mad mad world..."

Jumpin' Aboard...

Ok so Im finally here...after all that torture of trying to find an unused user id and pondering over my blog's name and link and in the process of hasseling poor arv for ideas and rejecting em all in the same breath...phew i'm beat! And bet he's sagging wid relief right now!!!! And dats all for now!!!