Always the friend, not always the girlfriend

The new trend is to just hangout and not date. But what if someone says: "It's always a date with you." What does dating friends mean? I do understand friends do date. But what exactly are the parameters? Do you just go on a date and for that moment the both of you are just happy and are actually dating? What happens after? When you part do you just put that person back on the shelf?

Saying "yes we are dating. No we are not seeing anyone else. Unless you want to.." is being as vague as walking in a fog and not knowing where the cliff ends.

Just because you do not want to say the wrong things your actions are probably saying plenty. It actually feels like you want me to be in your life. But you are afraid to commit. You'll gladly meet me when you have the time. But you want to keep me at arms length. Until maybe one day you are able to say with absolute certainty that you want me.

I think you are just being a coward! I do not like being your backup plan. I want you to say exactly what it is you want from me. You are being selfish. 

You are very good at saying the right things. You are very good at hooking me in with the possibilities of "US" at the very beginning. Then you just faded away. Like you gave up one day and just forgot to tell me what exactly is going on.

I am good at reading between the lines but I'm also the hopeless romantic that still believes things can work out. I want you to make it with me. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice... I'm just the idiot who'll end up being left behind huh?

Wake up! Wake up! This is a horrible dream and will probably haunt me till you decide...

Will time be on our side this time round?

A simple hello from my beautiful perfect stranger was all I needed to give me a little faith again.

My heart skipped a beat and a smile crept slowly onto my face.

It felt nice.

It felt a little strange.

Yet familiar.

I was happy that someone was reaching out to me.

Even if it's just via Whatsapp.

But let's not get carried away.

The last contact we had we were just chatting as friends.

The one before that he rejected me.

Made me cry and felt like I never will be good enough for anyone. EVER.

Maybe I am just meant to be someone's friend.

I don't think I'm a bad person.

But why anyone can't see themselves with me past the friend stage is beyond me.

Can someone explain to me? Please...

Mr Beautiful-Perfect-Stranger started with the casual hellos and what's new in your life.

I guess he still felt like we will just be friends.

I can feel my heart crack just a little more.

But let's not make this awkward and just go with the flow.

It's always nice to have someone just having a conversation with you right?

He is moving to his new place soon.

And I feel so happy and excited for him.

I mean moving into your own place just feels so exciting.

Well maybe because I don't have a space to call my own.

I just seem to 'tompang' only.

So I do my usual thing of teasing him.

Teasing him that the only reason why he'd want to get married is just so he can get the master bedroom.

I can't believe he brought up the subject of marriage with me when two conversations ago he rejected me!

*heart shattering*

Play it cool.

And out of nowhere he asked if I still felt the same towards him.

Wait a minute... Whaaat?

Is he asking me if I want to be with him?

Let's not get carried away here.

Remember it didn't go very well the last time we had a serious conversation about US.

I counter with a question of my own.

I can't always be the one sharing how I felt.

And be exposed to rejection again.

How do you feel towards me?

I've got to protect myself.

Slightly similar to before...

Whaaat...

He brought up the 'time' issue.

He is constantly busy right now.

So?

All I wanted to scream at him was the fact that it's been 7 freaking years.

And everytime he popped back into my life.

I've always been civil to him.

I didn't once be mean to him for all the disappearing he did before.

Sayang...

When I first met you.

I wanted us to be friends.

I wanted to get to know you better.

Be around you more.

And to possibly see where it can lead to.

But you made it impossible with all the disappearing.

You had your own life.

And I had mine.

I never want to make it seem like I was too eager.

*Because I think being too eager seems a little desperate, don't you think?*

But you made me feel so comfortable whenever you are near.

You made me feel like I was good enough.

You give me a little hope.

You make me feel a little better about myself.

I'm terrified!

Trust me.

You are not the only one going through self doubt.

But I like you enough to want to try it out with you.

If only you can see how my heart sees you.

The heart wants what it wants.

And I hope one day your heart can see me the way I see you.

I hope time will be kind to us this time round.

Because it's been 7 freaking years.

And I think it's about time we have a little faith on ourselves.

What Am I Doing?

I have kept this blog alive and always knew that I will come back to it again one day.

And today is just the day.

The last post was years ago.

And as always many many many things have happened.

I may have gone away and met more people and done more things.

But one thing is sure, it feels like I haven't really changed much.

Still craving for THE ultimate human connection.

But alas, I may have lost that chance.

In my pursuit to be selfish and concentrate on me for once.

I may have just lost my chance to be with someone who might have been the one for me.

My perfect stranger has been popping in and out of my life over the years.

He makes me feel great one minute and disappear into thin air just when I think I really want to be with him.

And the last time I saw him, he was open to being with me but I was afraid and couldn't commit.

Because I thought he might just disappear again.

Which he did by the way.

I told him I wanted to finish getting my O'levels at least.

And he seemed supportive.

And when he faded away over the next few months.

My mind freeze'd once in a while.

I feared I may have made a HUGE mistake.

And I wanted to reconnect with him.

But he was cold.

Even through the texts, I knew he was already distancing himself from me.

And that left me crying through the night.

What the hell did I do?