Intimidating

Two weeks ago I was told I was intimidating.

Am I?

It's really scary to think that I am intimidating.

I mean I am scaring potential new friends.

I still can't think of a concrete reason for me being intimidating.

He said I'm mentally intimidating.

Does that mean that I'm smart?

Too smart perhaps?

I doubt so.

My baby sister finally turned 18.

I know I havnt exactly been a very good host now that she is back.

But I don't know what to talk to her.

I only remember the little girl who used to terrorise her elder brother.

I don't know my sister.

Of course I feel somewhat sad.

But I don't know what to say to her.

I'm sure she doesn't know me either.

I feel that she is closer to our cousin.

Is it just me keeping a distance from everybody?

I'm actually afraid to really open up to anybody at all.

No one really knows me.

It's sad isn't it?

I miss my family.

But I really don't know how to open up to them.

Over time the gap is just so easy to maintain.

Me and my own dark garden.

Company

The job didn't follow through.

Its a tough time.

Just when I'm starting to be optimistic.

Plans don't follow through.

Feeling myself slipping into depression again.

Been talk to my boys.

It's really interesting.

Do people who have been hurt countless of times by their girlfriends or boyfriends really don't want to fall in love again?

They tell me they are not ready or they just don't want to be in a relationship.

Yet when we talk they always mention about their ex girlfriends.

If you mention them, then you must be thinking about them right?

Everything that happens always triggers a memory.

Be it good or bad.

You tend to remember the good times then your mind start to drift into the bad memories.

And you say to yourself, Fuck it.

I'm not ever going to make myself go through the pain again.

And yet someone comes along and your heart starts melting.

Yet after awhile when the initial lovey dovey stage starts to go into the comfort zone.

You tend to feel lazy and think that no, this is not going to work out.

And you tend to just try.

But your heart is not really there anymore.

You like the comfort.

You like the warm feeling have having someone.

But you have this little voice in your head saying things that throws you into a spiralling depths of paranoia.

Making you watch things alittle too close.

So close, just to spot all the mistakes.

Like an early warning to get out of the situation before you get really hurt.

Paranoia.

Heartache.

Or just plain afraid to take that leap of faith.

To trust someone else with your heart seems to be out of the question now.

Have we become so wary of others that we can't even trust ourselves to love again.

My boys have been hurt.

And they have hurt others too.

But nobody is perfect right?

Yet I can hear in their voice when they talk about the one they love and lost.

Though they have others to accompany them in the dark lonely nights.

Is it their way of not being alone at night.

Feeling the warmth and heartbeat of another person next to them.

That's all we ever wanted isn't it?

Having someone to go through life with.

The phobia of being alone and old, is really scary.

So is this all we ever need?

To never be alone?

To have someone to accompany you in life?

Or to have someone who takes care of you?

Someone to think of you?

Someone to love you?

Someone who means something to you.

Not just a passing tourist in your life.

It's all about connections.

We need that connection.

But where do we find it?

Can we really go through people and actually find someone that seems perfect enough to actually jump?

How many heartaches can you go through before you finally succumb to reality?

The reality of having only one person to trust.

Yourself.

But then again we don't always trust ourselves enough to actually believe in everything we choose, do we?

So who can we really trust?

Since our heart is just a sucker for love, romance, corniness and happily ever after.

Our mind gets fooled everytime our hearts says this could be the one.

Come on take the chance.

What is the worst that can happen.

And yet in the end your mind starts to see through the fog and realise that you have been walking in circles.

Someone please show me the path.

The shortcut.

I'm lost in my fog.

I'm starting to feel afraid.

New Job

3 fulltime jobs.

3 night jobs.

3 bad endings.

I really do know what I want to do now.

Psychology.

I really do hope that this next job that I'm considering really works out.

I know my mum won't be too happy that I'd be working in a bar again.

But its work.

It beats not having a job at all right?

My mum is trying to change and finally be more strict with me.

But the time is over to influence me.

I have been independent way too long for her to do this to me now.

I try not to disappoint her too much these days.

But this is what I can do.

I can't be too fussy now.

Hopes she understand.

It is hard to get a job now and if this is what it takes to get further in life.

This is what I will do now.

We are all getiing older.

I don't have time to waste anymore time.

Wish me luck.

My Boys

It is really amusing how when you are having tons of fun, time passes by so fast.

I had a blast the last week.

I mean I lost track of what day it was most of the time.

But it has been really fun.

Boys will always be boys.

They are so cute when they are single n trying to get use to having a girl around.

A girl friend that is sometimes like a boy.

One that they are weirdly comfortable to actually talk openly to.

My "single" always available boyfriends.

They really are good guys.

It is just a case of getting hurt then trying to have as much fun as possible.

Being hurt is a really bad position to be in.

I really do want them to find happiness.

They are all fun and full of cheekiness.

But in one I can actually see the worries.

He makes everyone else in the house feeling uneasy with him pacing around the house all the time.

Relax dude.

You are not that old.

Really.

I just love teasing you about it.

Hehe.

We shall hang out again soon.

Asking Directions

I know it seems like I have been behaving like a love sick puppy over the past few weeks.

And it's true I was madly in love.

But I guess now the magic has somewhat died alittle.

Isn't it expected.

And it's not like I don't love anymore.

It's more in the case of individuality.

As the new year starts and you lie alone at night.

Thinking what this year can bring you.

Will you be able to do what you didnt manage to last year.

Will you be strong enough to get through this year a winner.

I have been going around making people question what they will be doing with the rest of their lives.

Honestly it's not that I want to scare them.

But I want to know their plans so that maybe I can steal some ideas.

And maybe know exactly what I really want to do with my life.

I know roughly what I like.

But I want to know what is best and what is it that I am good at.

So I have a direction to follow.

It will be so much easier.

Don't you think?

A Promise Of Us

No more masks.

No more fear.

A new year.

A new heart.

A new soul.

A new love.

Words spoken.

Music to my heart.

Every beat is for love.

And just like a shadow it is never far.

Always there to remind you.

You are alive.

And it is real.

Hands held tight.

Held with love.

To let you know you will never be alone.

Promises of love.

A promise of trust.

A promise of us.

2007 - Dark Dreams

I found love.

In a form of dreams.

Conversations with a faceless stranger.

Everynight He awaits.

Waiting for my eyes to shut.

Waiting for me to enter the dark garden.

Where questions and answer have no place.

Your heart and mind being tested with every word said.

Some are just memories.

Some are of the future.

Words used so carefully thought of.

Words that can make you laugh and cry all at the same time.

You know there is a message there.

But you are so mesmerised by the garden.

The beauty of of the darkness.

Perfume of the black rose intoxicating your mind.

Confusing you.

Making you forget about the message.

And there you will still be.

Lost.

2007 - We Shall

A brand new year.

Finally the long dreadful 2006 has ended.

Last year was bad for a number of people I know.

Lost love ones.

Lost love.

Lost of jobs.

Lost of mind.

But we shall make things different this year.

A brand new year, a brand new start.

This will be the year for us all.

We shall be happier.

Stronger.

We shall...