Lying Relationships

Every relation you make with someone affects you even if it's just alittle bit.

There are all the past love that left you heartbroken.

All the friends who came when you called that left you feeling loved.

How is it that relationships are so complicated these days?

A husband trying so hard to keep his marriage together.

When the wife has already given up.

Yet still living together.

How a guy can tell you that he loves you.

Then in a couple of days tells you he just wants to be friends.

Then the very next day, tells you that he is seeing someone already.

How long a person will wait to get a chance to be together finally with that someone.

Even after knowing that someone might just disappear one day.

How the person you yearn for doesn't notice you.

But all the creeps are just after one thing from you.

How you swear off all men.

And yet cry yourself to sleep, missing having someone to cuddle with.

It's all lies.

Everyone lies to make themselves feel slightly better.

Some lies becomes hope.

Having hope that there is a chance it can happen.

Some lies are just plain lies to cover your ass.

Some lies are spoken because of fear.

And lies are so much easier to face than the truth.

I am not asking for anything.

I just want to be happy.

Without the complications.

Is it really too much to ask for?

To the husband, be patient.

Both of you made vows in the name of The Almighty.

Promises are meant to be kept.

Even if it doesn't work out.

There must be a bigger meaning to it all.

To the guy, I am very happy for you.

I wish you all the best.

I am always here to lend a ear if you ever need one.

To the person who waits.

Do something really nice just for yourself.

You will be happier.

To you who is yearning.

Go ahead and say how you feel.

Take a chance.

And lastly to the one crying.

The person who loves to love but is afraid of love right now.

Don't rush or let youself feel lonely late at night.

Cause you are ever alone.

You have friends.

And they love you.

Remember that.

Kissing Is An Art

I have been experiencing a lot of conflict these days.

But the conflict is within me.

I'm fighting with myself.

In the quest to be happy.

To be independent.

To live life.

So many questions arise.

To really live life, would you have to lose yourself?

Do you really know yourself?

Do you know what you really want?

Is this what you really want?

Are you guranteed happiness if you follow this path?

How can you be so sure this is the right decision?

I mean I am happy right now.

But I have a feeling something will affect me negatively in the fututre.

Because good things don't last very long.

Maybe I'm just thinking into it too deeply.

Paranoid, Me.

I mean I'd love to just sit back and bask in the happy rays.

But you know there will be clouds passing through.

I'm just not looking forward to it.

I just want to prepare myself, when it actually happens.

This will be a never ending subject.

So lets just chuck it aside for the time being.

Let's talk about something else.

Let's talk about kissing.

Remember your first kiss?

How did it make you feel?

I remember my first kiss.

He walked me to the bus stop.

Waited with me for my bus.

We talked.

I wanted to kiss him so badly.

I knew he wanted to kiss me too.

But we were both not sure how to.

So my bus came.

He, still holding my hand while I flagged it down.

He pulled me back and suddenly our teeth banged.

Ouch!!

We both laughed then we just gave a quick peck on the lips.

I remembered smiling all the way home.

I know it was just a peck but it was the first time.

It was sweet.

So how was your first time?

Share with me.

I actually miss kissing.

I find that people don't kiss much anymore after going to the next level.

They just kiss to make it as a platform, a start.

That leads to fooling around.

Kissing is an art.

It should be appreciated.

When I kiss I love the feeling of my soul floating.

Provided the other party doesn't slobber all over you.

Imagine light pecks.

Then full lip contact.

Senses going wild from that connection.

The warmth from both your bodies as you lean closer.

And finally you part, smiling and opening your eyes.

Seeing the person in front of you.

And for a split second you feel immense love.

Dreamy.

Finally 21

Alot of things have been going through my head lately.

But I can't remember all of it.

So I will save it for the next post.

Firstly, I'm glad I finally got over him.

I like it that we are just friends now.

I really do.

Don't get me wrong it's not that I think he don't qualify.

I just don't see HIM like that anymore.

Secondly, I finally got a line.

I am finally contactable.

As soon as I activate the line anyway.

There is no rush.

Thirdly, an update on the current standing of the question.

3-2

I like the results.

Well, enough to make me feel relieved anyway.

Starting to really think about how I look in the eyes of others.

I have been avoiding thinking about it for a very long time.

But I guess it's because I have "aged".

Never thought I'd feel so old.

At the age of 21.

Feels like it was just yesterday we were all in school.

Sigh~

Fourthly, I need to be at the beach.

Sentosa.

Just camp out there for a night.

Look at the stars.

Have good company.

Bring along some food and drinks.

Not forgetting some music, just in case.

And you have a perfect night out on a low budget.

I want it so bad.

I can almost taste the salty sea air.

Why Cry

I just had to ask the question.

I know I won't really like the answer but I just had to.

So I asked two guys tonight if they thought I am pretty.

One said "I won't say you are drop dead gorgeous but you are not ugly either.

You are cute.

You have a smile that can light up a room."

The other one: "You are sweet.

I have seen many beautiful girls but sweet is hard to forget.

Its so hard to find someone sweet anymore."

*Well both comments may have been altered alittle.

So they were saying I'm not pretty?

And trying to cover their asses thinking I won't get mad.

By sugar coating the ugly truth.

I know I'm not the most attractive person but I think I'm slightly above average looking.

They could have just said that.

Sugar coating it only makes me feel UGLIER.

So enough about appearances.

Let's talk about something that affects the heart.

My favourite subject.

So I was out with friends earlier.

I made a comment that I didn't think would be passed so quickly.

I mentioned that he still has feelings for the girl.

He denies it of cause.

I can see his eyes light up when he looks at her while she talks on the phone.

I can see the affection.

His arm on the side of the table looks like it was trying to reach to her.

But then again I may have been wrong.

They are close I guess.

So if I was wrong I apologise.

So the awkwardness still lingers.

I can read people well but not great.

Some can hide very well so I can't read.

But what I am really interested in is what goes in their heads.

I try to think like them.

Like I said I may be very off but it can cross their minds right?

The subject of HIM makes me ponder.

I feel like he is pushing me away cause he really does feel something for someone else.

Or he can make her up.

I know I said I'm trying not to think about it too much.

But its me.

I think too much.

So yea it drives me crazy not having a satisfactory answer.

I mean it was just yesterday he told me we should be just friends.

The very next day he tells me he is seeing someone else.

I mean I did ask if he had someone else and he denies it.

I had a feeling but I thought it was just crazy thoughts.

Am I that easy to forget?

I must be cause most of the guys I went out with got over me pretty quickly.

I must never have been special.

Words can only just be words.

But it can also mean that they just need to get over me by going out with someone else.

I think I am really losing my mind.

I am having more conversations with myself rather than with anyone else.

Whatever.

*Listening to: Why Cry - The Panic Channel

I've been feeling lonesome

I'm downed, don't know what to do

I let you lie to me

plant seeds inside to see them grow then leave them to die

I've learned my lesson,

I won't be forgetting,

I won't give my heart out without suspecting

why cry , why cry, why cry for you

I been lost and finding out that I've been such a fool

You thought you'd stick around until the day you found someone

to make me absolite

I learned my lesson,

I won't be forgetting,

I won't give my heart out with out suspecting

why cry, why cry, why cry, why cry for you

I learned my lesson,

I won't be forgetting

why cry, why cry, (for you)

why cry, why cry, (for you)

why cry, why cry (for you)

why cry, for you.

It will take awhile for me to fully get over this.

But I will.

Trust me?

Ok let's be honest.

Why I'm so hung up over this is because.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to understand people.

Always trying to accommodate to others.

Always trying to make people happy.

Just once I want someone who will do all this for me.

Wait for me.

Give me time.

And not just give up on me and move on.

Like I said:

In The End I Will Be Just Your Long Lost Memory

My Uncle

When I was younger I was a very quiet child.

I never wanted to stand out.

So I never tried being close to any family member.

So recently I have been chatting with an uncle.

I could tell he was kind of sad he missed my growing years.

He may have missed it but I think it was better that he did.

I would never have allowed him to really know me anyway.

I still can't bring to let anyone to really know me.

Once they know I change my habits or places I hangout in.

So no one can find me.

I know he wants me to pick myself up and be all I can be.

But don't anyone ever think that sometimes I'm just tired.

Tired of always having to show the world that I can stand on my own two feet.

I know it's a good thing.

But come on give me a break.

I want someone to help me.

There I said it.

I want someone to help me to pay for my studies.

I know I can do so much.

I just need to get through this tough bump.

I will repay them once I get a job.

But everyone has their own lives.

And they would love to sit back and watch you work hard.

Be all you can be and feel good about themselves.

Thinking their words have been a part of getting you there at the top.

Just like no one was there to "save" me when I was younger.

What chance is there of anyone helping me now?

Now that I am old enough to stand on my own two feet right?

I know he means well.

But I still feel that everyone just says things.

Just like they did before.

So I guess I can never rely on anyone.

Just myself.

Just my lonely self.

I hate it when anyone says "I'm always here when you need me"

Or "I'm just a phone call away"

But no one has really been there for me.

When I really need someone.

I am forever having to find my own way out.

I'm so tired.

Most of my growing days

I always thought "Would anyone really miss me if I'm gone?"

Sure they think of how I'm doing.

But they were never really there to help.

I feel so unimportant.

Yeah money is not really that important.

Love is. Right?

But I never really felt that any of my family members ever loved me.

They always gave me this pity look.

I don't need pity.

I want to study.

So Yeah Life Goes On

Well I guess I will have to date someone else now.

He is finding himself.

Sometimes I really feel that it is me.

Do I make people start to question themselves?

And they go on a journey of self discovery.

Maybe I am just fated to teach.

Its going to be a very lonely road.

If I carry on this way I'll have no one to call my own.

When I was younger and thinner.

It was so easy to get to know "new" guys.

I'm not saying that I am so very old.

But I feel that way sometimes.

People are so superficial these days.

As much as they never admit it.

But they always go for the once over.

A once over to determine whether that person is HOT.

Once confirmed they try to get to know you.

I had a bad experience once.

I was at the MRT station a couple of months back.

There was this guy who was kinda cute.

He came up to me and gave me an email address cause he thought I was cute.

I was happy thinking I still got it.

Boy was I wrong.

He turned out to be a creep.

He was saying he had a girlfriend.

But he didn't mind getting to know me cause he don't mind bigger girls.

I mean yeah I was bigger then

But what makes him think that I want him anyway?

He thinks I'm this lonely "FAT" girl that is just dying to have someone in her life.

PLEASE...

Even if he was the last man

I'd rather die alone.

So guys think that bigger girls actually need saving from thinking they'd die alone.

But ultimately guys want a girl who they can show off to their friends.

I ask you is this fair?

In this time and age

Why do guys still think they are the best gender?

Women are just as good and maybe even better.

We can do the picking now too.

We can pick our partners and judge them on looks too.

Just like men can have trophy wives.

Women are having hot young husbands too.

Not that I'm really encouraging these kind of behaviour.

It's just something to ponder.

It will be a never ending race to see who is really better.

Recently

I had quite an awakening somewhat these last few weeks.

I had to admit alot of things that I have been denying for so long.

It's hard to admit especially to yourself that you have failed.

Firstly a relationship that was no longer there.

Lying to yourself that there was a relationship when in fact the person has left.

You know it and yet you keep thinking he still loves you.

It has ended but life goes on right?

So I tried dating again.

He is nice and caring and will make a good companion.

But I know I'm not ready cause my heart is still hurting.

Telling him that was hard.

But no more lies.

Seeing him recoil to his safe distance makes me feel so bad.

But at least I'm trying to do the right thing now.

Not rushing into another relationship and risk history repeating itself.

Secondly, hanging out with friends.

God I miss it.

Being in a relationship really kills time with friends.

As much as we all deny not ever forgetting friends.

It is a big fat lie.

You feel so obligated to please and spend time with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

So you forget that friends are always there for you when you are down.

Sean is planning a costume party.

Hopefully it turns out just fine.

P. A. R. T. Y?

Because we all gotta.

HAHA

Thirdly, I have to admit that my life is in a rut.

I have no job.

No money.

My life is not good now.

But I know my friends are here to help me get through it all.

So thank them all especially Sean.

I love you baby.

So I watched The Breakup yesterday.

It was like watching my life when I was in a relationship well some parts of it.

I really feel Brooke's thoughts and feelings.

I love the ending.

I want to be like her.

Pick herself up and get on with life.

So I need to get a job and get my diploma and then get a better job.

Further my studies again and get an even better job.

Haha sounds good?

I think so at least.

So don't forget the party will be on the 4th of November.

Everyone MUST come down.

Everytime I think of you I gaze at your photograph

The past has gone and will never repeat again

Just forget the stories of us

Don't plead to those who didn't care

Don't wait up for those who has already left

It will only open up old wounds

No word can ever describe the painful disappointments

So just let it be

What else is there to be said that hasn't already been said

The fates have dealt their cards

And yet this is human nature

Sweet words are easily spoken

But words are easily twisted

And tears continue to flow

Thinking of the bittersweet romance

In the end its just memories.

So I'm Back Again

I have been back home for about a week now.

Feels good this time.

I'm more open I guess.

I explained to my bro what I'm doin and I hope he understand.

I just came back from 1nitestand.

It was great.

Funny, I thought I would get bored real fast.

Because I was alone.

But I had alot of things to keep me entertain.

Dina was nice checking up on me very often so I felt good.

The band, 6 In The City, was f**king good as Dina commented when I got there.

They really have alot of energy.

They were so good I had goosebumps.

They even could perform "Hips Don't Lie"

Felt like I was on holiday.

The place has become quite a pick up joint.

Alot of woman were there just to waiting to be picked by our horny males.

Don't get me wrong I love men, but not those just trying to get laid.

And to all those people who think they can dance try recording yourself and show it to your friends.

Your real friends.

Unless they can't dance either.

I had a good laugh watching all these dancer wannabes.

PLEASE spare yourself the embarassment.

One thing I noticed was that alot of people have no sense of rhythm.

Which is sad, can just imagine how they perform during sex.

Must be BORING.

Listen to the music.

Most of the time I think they hear totally different music when they are dancing.

Cause some move too fast & some just float around.

It was hilarious.