Christmas Is Really Over

Christmas is over.

Time to get back to work.

4 1/2 hours to go.

I remember now why I never really fancied an office job.

It is rather boring.

The people just stick to their own departments.

And they hardly talk to each other.

Lunchtime is quiet.

I like cause I know there isn't much people to make a whole load of noise.

All this quietness has made me think of my current situation.

Dare I say I'm in love?

It feels that way.

Always has come up.

I know I said it.

I mean it.

I can't wait to hear your voice again.

You sure are addictive.

Muakz!!!

Merry Christmas

Christmas weekend was all about Love.

Love among friends.

Love in a family.

Love between two souls.

This is how I always pictured Christmas to be.

The connections between people.

The warmness you feel knowing you actually want to spend time with these people.

Gifts were not important these year.

It was all about time.

Having the time to be with Love Ones.

Precious Moments.

I love the fact that I felt more Love this weekend than ever before.

My heart is full.

My mind is floating.

Thank you all for your company.

Have a Merry Loving Christmas.

It May Just Be A Dream

It all seems like a dream now.

You may just be a figment of my imagination.

Something I dreamt of to occupy my mind and heart.

As the days went by slowly.

My heart has been crying silently.

The days all seem the same.

The nights seem colder with no one lying close.

Yet as I drift to sleep.

I see your face so clearly.

I hear you singing.

I feel you in my arms as we embrace.

Are you real?

Or are you really just a dream.

A beautiful dream that has captured my heart.

As the sun sets later in the day.

I will finally be sure.

Of you.

The perfect dream.

To be able to open my eyes.

And see you standing before me.

And take me away.

Just the two of us.

Lost in love.

A Whole New Month

Kiss

Home

Eyes

Barry

Shower

Costumes

V8

Rose

Prince

Popeyes

Planes

Tears

5

KL

Candle

Hotel California

Prestige

Air

7 Hrs

Youth Park

Mustafa

Pants

O

Flow

Sentosa

Book

T- Shirt

Premier Anniversaire de Mois

Winter Ponder

This festive season has made everyone think.

Think of all the people in their lives.

What they will be wearing.

What presents to get.

How they are going to spend the day.

It is nice to know there is still magic.

But something else has made people a little crazy these days too.

Love.

The culprit in alot of sadness, confusion and fear.

For its a day to spend with love ones.

There are people not fortunate enough to experience this, this year.

But there are memories to last you a lifetime.

And they are with you in spirit.

Remember the times spent together.

And they shall not be forgotten.

It's the ones still around that you should worry about.

It's amazing what goes on these days.

Think of what a deadly mix of Love, Hate, Sex & Confusion can do.

Whatever happened to Love being a straight forward thing.

You like, you fall and you be together.

Times have changed.

Now it's you like, you fall yet you don't get together.

Instead confusion is added into the mix.

Some end up alone, upset and eventually heart broken.

This is not the way it should end.

Eventually Love turns to Hate.

And no one is happy.

This is very sad.

Which leaves us to a growing number of people having a phobia of falling in Love.

Alot of people I have been talking to recently have been burned quite badly by Love.

They are so afraid that they rather play the field.

Having no commitments.

Having no one to call their own.

Which makes me wonder are they truly happy living life this way.

Or would they rather lie to themselves and pretend that it doesnt affect them in any way.

But on the brightside they did share this one glimmer of hope.

They say the next person they are going to fall in love with will be The One.

The One who they will love forever and spend the rest of their lives with.

So I guess eventually everything comes to a full circle eh?

I can only hope.

Winter Is Officially Here

Winter has come.

The Singapore's version of winter.

Wet, wet and very wet.

It's all dark and cold.

Don't you just wish you could be in bed.

With a warm cup of cocoa with marshmellows.

In the arms of a love one.

Getting lost in the comfortable warmth.

Yet I'm still waiting for my cool morning breeze.

Not this wet cold winds that has imprisoned me in my own house.

My cool morning breeze.

My heart is aching without you near.

My skin yearns to be teased.

The gentle slow soft caresses that you got me addicted to.

Making my mind dizzy.

Moans softly escaping.

My lips missing yours.

My heart beating faster.

For Christmas is nearing.

Along with presents.

So have you been good or naughty this year?

Hehe.

You will only get what you really deserve.

So what does that make me?

Hehe.

A Few More Days

Just a couple more days till the weekend.

I know, I know.

The weekend just ended.

But I'm looking forward to this coming weekend.

It's going to be a fun weekend.

I know I may not be the most religious person in the world.

And it's not that I do not believe in Him.

I know there is a bigger thing out there.

I'm just not ready to fully commit to Him yet.

Besides, all religions have a few things in common.

To make you a good person.

To not harm others in any way.

To be compassionate.

To love.

To have faith.

And most importantly to be selfless and do good for others.

Well that is what I like to believe anyway.

Reflections

Christmas is next week.

And Love will be in the air again.

I can't believe the year is about to end.

Let us all look back and think about what 2006 has brought us.

My year started off pretty dead.

Then it got worse.

With the disappearing act of an old man.

Then many months of loneliness.

Then the start of alot of good people in my life.

They have been around for quite awhile.

But we never really took time to actually spend and take time to get to know each other better.

I am very happy to find friends this year.

Friends I am glad to have spend so much time and energy with.

And of course there are people who I have lost over the year.

And I would like to wish them a good life.

And hope they find the happiness they deserve.

Everyone should be happy.

Let us all be merry.

And afterwards let us all get high and PARTY!!!

Soon You Too Will Be Gone

You are the best thing that has happened to me in awhile.

Being with you is just like Christmas morning.

You know you will get presents yet you are not very sure if you will really get what you have always wanted.

This year I'm not asking for much.

All I ask is for you to show me that you can love me the way I love you.

My heart is crying.

For this is too soon.

You came to me like the cool morning breeze.

Cheekily playing with the curtains.

Warms my skin as you bring in the sun.

Waking me up.

It's almost too beautiful.

And soon there will be no breeze in the morning.

Just dead air.

Trying to suffocate me.

Testing me.

Killing me.

Not The Same Person Anymore

You are not the same person anymore.

You have changed.

And I do not like the person you have become.

It used to be so easy talking to you.

Now it seems like there is no way to get to your head or heart.

A dark cloud is hovering over you.

And it has a life of it's own.

Just like the Fates.

It decides who lives and who dies.

And now you are alone, you say.

But think of all the people who are worried for you.

You are blinded.

You can not see what is truly there.

We are not against you.

We are just worried for you.

But it's a task talking to you.

For you are not listening.

And in the end you were the one who left.

We never left you.

Great Days

Such a great week.

Or will be.

So exciting.

Sunday

Love in the kitchen cooking up a storm.

Monday

Walked around Far East Plaza.

Met up with my cousin.

Went to Mustafa Centre with Rin.

Bitched about men in our lives.

Tuesday

MOS

Most comfortable, sweet, relaxing, peaceful sleep I had in ages.

Wednesday

Bikini hunting with Kylie.

Body Shop has the best smells.

Gelato to end a great outing.

Thanks girl.

Thursday

SAC

Memories for the girls.

Music to my ears.

A big warm blanket for my heart.

Friday

Still Under Construction

Saturday

Party Party Party

Sunday

Rest

Monday

Last Day

Tuesday

Loneliness

Love Huh???

Finally I see it.

Love huh?

No more just hanging in mid air.

Finally I see which side you picked.

I have nothing to say.

It's your life afterall.

I hate you.

Thanks for making me feel like I actually meant something to you.

I guess she means more.

Good luck to the both of you.

To Set The Records Straight...

First of all I would like to apologise to you for giving you the idea that I was mad at you.

I have never or will I ever think that you will ever do that to me.

I apologise for the confusion.

Secondly I would like to apologise for just walking away.

But I can't take any more of the crap.

You people make me sick.

Exclusive members?

My ass.

Exclusive rich asshole friends.

Who thinks every girl has a price.

And yet still has the cheek to ask for discounts.

You people are worse than pond scum.

Yes I admit it was wrong for me to leave the way I did.

But you people deserve it.

Good luck in running your very own Geylang.

At least now you can add PIMP in your CVs.

Lastly, I apologise to anyone who got punk'd.

It's all in the name of truth.

It may have gotten alittle out of hand.

So please no grudges.

If there is anyone to be blamed.

It's me.

Blame me.

I was the mastermind behind it all.

What The Hell Do You Think I Am?

It's amazing how some people actually take you for granted.

They want you around only when they want you to.

But when they are out discovering themselves.

And found someone else to keep their interest for the while.

They completely forget about you.

And when they realised that they actually miss your company.

They come looking for you.

Trying to get back what they left in the first place.

It's selfish.

And it degrates a person.

People actually do have feelings.

I have feelings.

What makes you think you deserve my friendship when all you ever did was think of yourself.

If you really think about it.

I cut you alot of slack.

All that ever did was made you think you could ask for more.

I am actually happy you left.

I never thought you will ever contact me again.

But you did.

And all that ever did was made me feel mad.

And somewhat disgusted.

But I really have to thank you.

You left me something really great.

If it wasn't for you.

I will never get to know him.

I have an even better person in my life now.

Way better than you can ever be.

So when I said goodbye.

I really meant it.

But I am still civil and has a heart.

You take care.

I'm sure you will find someone who suits you very well.

All the best.

Work

I have officially worked for a week.

It has been weird for I havn't been working for quite some time.

But nonetheless it has been quite an experience.

What do you get when you mix alcohol, loud music and one of our minor race together?

One big headache.

What do you get when you work for a couple?

An even bigger headache.

Don't get me wrong I love the fact that I am in charge of my bar.

I get to tell the manager what to get and share my inputs on alot of things concerning the bar.

In one week my manager has actually in a way has made me somewhat an assistant of his.

He actually quite trust me and actually values my thoughts.

Makes me feel good.

But its the end of the year.

I'm going to miss out on alot of my friends when the parties start.

I want to be able to party with my friends.

My friends are actually quite fun people.

Alittle crazy sometimes.

But that's the fun part.

So people.

Up for another party?

Hopefully very soon eh?

Post Party

Plenty Of Drinks.

Kick ass costumes.

New connections.

One hell of a party.

Connections Part 2

With Friendster.

You can see how you are connected to a person.

And sometimes you find that different groups of friends are actually friends too.

Interesting.

I love to see what friends my friends have.

You don't have to be close to a person to actually find out things about the person.

The internet has made it so easy to find out things.

Like once I was just surfing and just wanted to see if I can find anything about my boyfriend.

I just have to type his name in the search engine and I found him.

He was mentioned on a girl's blog.

I was fuming mad.

For I found out he was being unfaithful.

We are no longer together.

Expected.

But life goes on.

It's also easy to see if the person is really in love.

Or feeling down.

Or just having the time of their live.

And soon in a few hours I'm going to be such a busy bee.

Time to party and make new connections.

Drink.

Smoke.

Flirt.

Let my hair down.

Forget the world for just one night.

Truly enjoy myself.

Who knows I might actually have fun.

Hibernation

I am in that place.

Where I feel alone, unloved, scared and hungry.

Alone even when I'm in the middle of a crowd.

Alone when I stare into the screen waiting for something to happen.

Unloved when I give everything and receive nothing in return.

Unloved when no one seems to fuss over me.

Scared of the dark unclear path that lay before me.

Scared of having to open up all over again.

Hungry for attention that I have been deprived of.

Hungry for the feeling that someone misses you.

Its time to hibernate.

The cool days have come.

It's time to really sleep.

To rest my mind.

To nurse my heart.

Letting time pass with no worries.

Just dreams of a beautiful spring morning.

When everything seems new.

Bringing hope.

Bringing life.

Bringing love.

Without Music Life Would Be A Mistake

It's amazing how music affects a person.

Just like you have alot of genres of music.

You get alot of types of people.

Besides sex.

Music is another thing you can talk about with people you just meet.

I meet alot of people these days who are so crazy about music.

Talking about about how they love making music.

Its really interesting to me.

Listening to them talk and seeing their eyes light up.

It's almost magical.

I personally love the bass.

Well, I love the way it makes me feel.

Gets me weak in the knees.

Hehe.

So that got me thinking.

Since I don't have a boyfriend.

Would it be ok to have a few kissing buddies?

I mean I don't have any right now.

But it just makes me wonder.

I mean I have some friends who greets me by kissing.

So that don't really count.

I love the passion and intensity of kissing a person.

But how do people react to kissing these days?

I remember once many years ago.

I was out with a guy I was seeing but not officially together yet.

And my brother happened to tag along.

And to him, seeing us out together, immediately thought we were an item.

Will the guy that I kiss think that I could possibly like him alot?

Like him enough to be exclusive?

I hope not.

I kissed a guy today.

Someone I just got to know.

But I kissed him on the cheek.

It was more of a "alla la la sayang" moment.

Then since we 'pity' him.

My best friend asked me to kiss him.

So me being me.

I kissed him.

Then he blushed.

It was all pretty cute.

But that only made my hunger for kissing grow.

Even till now all I can think about is lips.

Thick, full lips.

But I'm craving for the meeting of lips.

To actually feel it.

Experience it.

Drown in the feeling.

P. A. R. T. Y?

I guess you are right.

I have to relax.

And hopefully I get to this Saturday.

Costume Party.

It's going to be very interesting.

If I get to convince my best friend to dress up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

It will be a blast.

I have body shots on the menu too.

To make drinking alittle more fun.

A movie marathon.

For the gore freaks.

And things will get freaky.

I'm sure of that.

After all it's a night when we can be anyone we want to be.

Be a sport.

Let your inner self loose.

Relax.

Let's get your freak on.

Connections

I feel hate.

Towards alot of things these days.

All I want is a connection.

I don't expect anyone to stick to me.

I just want someone to check up on me.

Ask me how my day was.

Or check if I'm still alive.

My phone has been pretty quiet.

I guess it's also cause of the festive season.

But doesn't anyone think of me.

Or remember me.

I just want a person who I can just cuddle up to.

Make me believe even for a short while that I'm loved.

Make me believe that the world is not that empty.

That there are still connections that I can depend on even for a minute.

I lay in bed watching the sky light up from the rising sun.

I just wish I can sleep and forget.

But my mind won't rest.

It keeps taunting me.

Laughing at me.

For being alone in this time when people should actually be merry with friends and love ones.

I may just be reading too much into it.

But why do I feel so alone?

I have friends.

But I just want that safe feeling of being in someone's arms.

The intoxicating smell of comfort.

The way my head fits nicely on your shoulder.

Listening to your heart beat slower as you fall asleep.

The way your arm seems to protect me as you hold me close.

I miss that.

I want that.

I need that.

Just to make my mind rest.

Could you be the one?

To help me.

I Did What?

Last Saturday was a pretty interesting night for me.

For I blacked out.

Due to tiredness, lack of sleep and too many bottled up emotions.

Hung out with the guys for awhile.

Met up with an old friend.

Went for a couple of drinks.

And I blacked out.

It was weird.

I remembered taking a last sip of my screwdriver.

Leaned back on my seat at the bar.

Just looking at my drink and my view was slowing getting dark.

Just like the ending of a movie.

And the next thing I knew I was waking up in my room.

I had a whole chunk of 12 hours missing out of my mind.

I went for a shower.

Trying so hard to recall even just alittle bit.

But I can't.

This is really bad.

So I called my friend to apologise and find out what the hell happened.

As it turns out, after I blacked out.

I was crying.

I told him that I hated everyone in the whole world.

Especially him.

And that I didn't want him to leave me too.

I guess alot of people were leaving so I was just being over melodramatic.

And he was just unfortunate cause he just happened to be there right at that moment.

And apparently I was talking to him.

Answering his questions when he asked.

It was embarassing.

I was also able to walk around.

The rest are much too embarassing to share.

Thanks my friend.

For helping me get back home safely.

Thank you so very much.

Hurts

Generally when you are in love.

You feel like everything is right.

Everything is good.

But these days, I notice a growing number of people loving but not being really in love.

Am I making sense?

I have friends who love love.

But afraid to really take the chance to love.

They are afraid of past loves who hurt them.

Afraid of history repeating itself.

But isn't love suppose to be about taking risks.

Living in the beautiful moments together.

I have been in many disappointing relationships.

But in the end I still take the plunge when a new one arises.

I spent alot of times with friends who I actually feel something for.

But when they say that they are not looking.

I just keep my feelings to myself.

I know if I'm so ready to take the plunge why don't I right?

They are my friends.

I know them.

I care for them.

So I don't want any awkwardness between us.

So I have alot of good close guy friends.

And no boyfriend.

I see alot of guys coming into my life.

But just as friends.

And nothing more.

Sheesh Kebab

I feel like I have made a fool of myself.

I may have come on too strong.

Did I?

I was just being honest.

It wasn't as if I was going to act on it.

I know my place.

Sheesh... Kebab.

But it's fine.

I'm strong.

I just feel like sticking my head in the sand for awhile.

Beginning Of The End

It's my turn to cry.

It's my turn to hurt.

It's time I sell out.

I can't take this anymore.

Being alone.

Being myself.

I tried being myself with a twist.

Trying not to get too involved in emotions.

But I'm not surviving.

Because it's not me.

In the end I always come out on the losing end.

I fell.

I lied.

I cried.

I lost.

Again.

You made me believe what I believed is good.

Yet it still hurts.

So I guess it's not so good afterall.

I love.

I hurt.

I died.

No new beginning.

...

I'm sorry.

I told you I didn't want to think much about it.

But I can't lie to myself.

For you have someone and I don't.

It's not fair.

The world isn't fair.

I was told that I came across as too strong.

If I was strong I wouldn't be hurting.

I was told I was smart.

If I was smart why am I still alone.

And yet after having said all this.

I don't blame the world.

I will still be the girl you can talk to.

I will still believe in love.

I will still be around to comfort.

And I still am happy for you.

To my beautiful perfect stranger:

I wish in my next lifetime I will meet you.

In time.

And hope that we can be.

It will not be too late.

To dream.

To believe.

To trust.

To love.

To be happy.

Together.

Love

Romantic love - affection characterized by a mix of emotional intimacy and sexual desire.

True love - love without condition, motive or attachment. Loving someone just because they are themselves, not their actions or beliefs in particular. Also referred to as unconditional love.

Lust-love - affection characterized by lust. i.e. The desire to satisfy or gratify oneself.

Instantaneous love - Love that occours the instant that one person comes in contact with another and feels a deep connection or attraction to the other. Also known as "love at first sight" and refered to commonly in many fairy tales and folk lore and literature.

Sacrificial love - the act of sacrificing one's life, or something of great importance, solely on the basis of love.
Which One Are You?

My beautiful perfect stranger.

There was so much I wanted to say.

But I was afraid.

I'm afraid if the words are spoken then there will be awkwardness.

For I want you to be happy.

Really happy.

To never cry again.

But I did.

I'm terribly sorry.

I have nothing much to offer you.

But an understanding.

Understand this.

I will forever be here for you when you need me.

May it be years from now.

May it be tomorrow.

I'm here.

Always.

A Classic

Memories of the night lingers.

Like an old black and white movie.

It struck a chord in my heart.

Conversations that has depth.

A setting so beautiful.

Laughter.

Sadness.

Self discovery.

Forever classified as a classic in my mind.

I'm always here for you.

For now I am just the girl who is alone.

The one who hopes that one day.

A person will love her as much as she loves him.

Who will be there for her when she needs him.

And lastly a person who will realise that he actually loves her.

Realise it not when she has shut her heart to him.

I see a long lonely road.

For my heart is still hurting.

But if I find a person worth risking it all to.

I won't hesitate.

There Is Hope Afterall.

My Beautiful Perfect Stranger

A night out.

Feels like another time.

Another place.

Far away from this familiar world.

It almost felt like a story out of a fairytale.

Where there are knights.

And maidens.

And forbidden love.

I may have just met you.

But it felt like I have known you all my life.

Maybe a whole lifetime before.

It's crazy to think I felt so comfortable.

Like a promise I made to never give up in search of someone.

Even after I die.

In the next life I will still be searching.

Till I find that person.

You were right.

I'm not meant for this era.

My heart still lives in the past where true love actually matters.

Where people give up wealth for true love.

When love meant everything to two souls destined for each other.

Soulmates.

Now it seems like the world has turned completely upside down.

Where money is everything.

Love is not a necessity.

Love can be pawned for money.

It's a sad world we live in right now.

Where you can find people afraid to love.

No one seems strong enough anymore to actually take the plunge.

To take the risk.

To trust.
To love.

My beautiful perfect stranger.

My knight in shining armor.

Take me away.

To a place far away.

Just like yesterday.

Perfect Strangers

Conversations late at night.

Personal.

Straightforward.

Honest.

I like.

A great way to clear your mind and heart.

Painful past.

Immense sorrow.

Shit happens.

Life goes on.

It's funny how you can open up to strangers.

Share intimate stories of your past with.

Things you sometimes find hard to tell some of your best of friends.

I'm glad I had that conversation with you.

It was heartbreaking.

Remembering it all.

But it's like the 12 steps program.

You have to admit it.

Face it head on.

Because if you can say it out loud, then you have a higher chance of getting over it.

Well maybe the memory lingers.

But you can get over it and move on.

Start a new chapter in your life.

It really startled me when you told me that I was born in the wrong era.

Because I feel it all the time.

I have thought of it myself.

I'm just shocked to hear it from another person.

My mind feels like it has lived throughout history.

My heart feels out of place in this time and age.

So for pointing it out.

You owe me a hug.

Make it a big one.

A big long one.

Then after that maybe we can continue from the door again eh?

Release Some Truth

A new found friend said to me.

It's kinda good to release some truth to the world sometimes.

It got me thinking.

I havn't been honest to alot of people and most importantly to myself.

As much as I'm a sucker for happily ever after.

In this time and age, you don't see it happening anymore.

Whatever happened to old fashioned romance?

I crave for it.

I need to be with a person who loves me.

I mean truly loves me.

All this being single and being happy is all a facade.

I hate being single.

I may want to have alot of fun right now.

But every morning when I wake up and realise, that I don't have a person lying next to me, holding me the whole night, makes me wish I could just sleep all over again.

It's really sad.

At the same time, I can't put myself out into the world just yet.

I'm afraid.

I mean, I'm wary of everyone.

I put a wall between anyone and myself just to be safe.

Or at least I think I'm safe.

I guess I'm just feeling alittle lost right now.

Not used to being in this situation.

But then again I may wake up later feeling like I can take on the world.

I stand with one feet on each side.

Naughty and nice.

Happy and sad.

Feeling both, all at the same time.

It's just me.

I'm weird.

Single

Single.

Available.

But not looking.

Just want to have fun.

Lots of it.

u + me + your room +alone=??

Can you think of the possiblilities?

Enticing?

Hot?

Sweet?

Comfortable?

I have way too much time in my hands to let my mind run wild.

And trust me, my mind runs far.

Isn't it funny that most conversations these days always ends up being about SEX.

I guess everyone is thinking it.

ALOT!!

But I really don't mind listening to it.

It's really funny.

Well to me anyway.

Ponder This:

Sexual Sorbet - The first person you sleep with after a breakup; a palate cleanser to remove the taste of a failed relationship.

Seventeen Dates - After a breakup, the approximate number of bad dates you have to endure before you have a good one.

Dater's Remorse - That sick feeling you get after dating someone you didn't really need and couldn't emotionally afford.

Retrodating - Reconnecting with one of the first people you ever kissed in order to get in touch with your own dating innocence and joy.

My Favourite:

Male Harems - An idea whose time has come; The many men you can juggle once you genuinely stop looking for a commitment.

So how about it?

u + me + your room +alone=??

If you had me alone... Locked up in your room for 24 hours & we could do whatever you wanted... what would you do with me?

Be a sport.

Let your mind run... far.

And tell me all about it.

Who's Sorry Now?

Oh My God!!!

He is going to suffer.

What does she want now?

I'm going to break him slowly.

Act cool.

Hmm... Putting up a brave front.

How are you?

Good actually. Yourself?

Good.

That was all that was said.

Afraid I see.

I like it that way.

You should be afraid.

And I will continue to play with your mind.

You deserve it.

I will break you slowly.

I'm enjoying every second of it.

Fuck Love

You.

The source of my heartache.

Left me alone.

Heartless bastard.

I hope you enjoy being free now.

Cause soon you will be right back in hell.

And I'm the eyes that will watch you burn slowly.

And I will love every minute of it.

Die Young And Save Yourself

3 days and 2 nights, no sleep.

Ample time to self destruct.

Countless thoughts in my head.

They haunt me, even in my dreams.

Confusing me.

Dreams so real.

Conversations so thought provoking.

Disguised as memories.

An illicit union in the horizon.

All lust.

No heart.

What is it about me?

That makes a guy think that they can get into my pants easily.

Is it really my boobs?

Big boobs doesn't mean no brains.

Just like guys having two heads and yet are not that much smarter.

I experienced recently that creeps are everywhere.

One may pray and say they are proud to be of a particular religion.

But if your actions and thinking is not good.

Then what does it make you?

An Imposter.

You should be shot dead.

BANG! BANG!! BANG!!!

It's so sad to think the world is filling up with people like this.

It's better to Die Young And Save Yourself.

Lying Relationships

Every relation you make with someone affects you even if it's just alittle bit.

There are all the past love that left you heartbroken.

All the friends who came when you called that left you feeling loved.

How is it that relationships are so complicated these days?

A husband trying so hard to keep his marriage together.

When the wife has already given up.

Yet still living together.

How a guy can tell you that he loves you.

Then in a couple of days tells you he just wants to be friends.

Then the very next day, tells you that he is seeing someone already.

How long a person will wait to get a chance to be together finally with that someone.

Even after knowing that someone might just disappear one day.

How the person you yearn for doesn't notice you.

But all the creeps are just after one thing from you.

How you swear off all men.

And yet cry yourself to sleep, missing having someone to cuddle with.

It's all lies.

Everyone lies to make themselves feel slightly better.

Some lies becomes hope.

Having hope that there is a chance it can happen.

Some lies are just plain lies to cover your ass.

Some lies are spoken because of fear.

And lies are so much easier to face than the truth.

I am not asking for anything.

I just want to be happy.

Without the complications.

Is it really too much to ask for?

To the husband, be patient.

Both of you made vows in the name of The Almighty.

Promises are meant to be kept.

Even if it doesn't work out.

There must be a bigger meaning to it all.

To the guy, I am very happy for you.

I wish you all the best.

I am always here to lend a ear if you ever need one.

To the person who waits.

Do something really nice just for yourself.

You will be happier.

To you who is yearning.

Go ahead and say how you feel.

Take a chance.

And lastly to the one crying.

The person who loves to love but is afraid of love right now.

Don't rush or let youself feel lonely late at night.

Cause you are ever alone.

You have friends.

And they love you.

Remember that.

Kissing Is An Art

I have been experiencing a lot of conflict these days.

But the conflict is within me.

I'm fighting with myself.

In the quest to be happy.

To be independent.

To live life.

So many questions arise.

To really live life, would you have to lose yourself?

Do you really know yourself?

Do you know what you really want?

Is this what you really want?

Are you guranteed happiness if you follow this path?

How can you be so sure this is the right decision?

I mean I am happy right now.

But I have a feeling something will affect me negatively in the fututre.

Because good things don't last very long.

Maybe I'm just thinking into it too deeply.

Paranoid, Me.

I mean I'd love to just sit back and bask in the happy rays.

But you know there will be clouds passing through.

I'm just not looking forward to it.

I just want to prepare myself, when it actually happens.

This will be a never ending subject.

So lets just chuck it aside for the time being.

Let's talk about something else.

Let's talk about kissing.

Remember your first kiss?

How did it make you feel?

I remember my first kiss.

He walked me to the bus stop.

Waited with me for my bus.

We talked.

I wanted to kiss him so badly.

I knew he wanted to kiss me too.

But we were both not sure how to.

So my bus came.

He, still holding my hand while I flagged it down.

He pulled me back and suddenly our teeth banged.

Ouch!!

We both laughed then we just gave a quick peck on the lips.

I remembered smiling all the way home.

I know it was just a peck but it was the first time.

It was sweet.

So how was your first time?

Share with me.

I actually miss kissing.

I find that people don't kiss much anymore after going to the next level.

They just kiss to make it as a platform, a start.

That leads to fooling around.

Kissing is an art.

It should be appreciated.

When I kiss I love the feeling of my soul floating.

Provided the other party doesn't slobber all over you.

Imagine light pecks.

Then full lip contact.

Senses going wild from that connection.

The warmth from both your bodies as you lean closer.

And finally you part, smiling and opening your eyes.

Seeing the person in front of you.

And for a split second you feel immense love.

Dreamy.

Finally 21

Alot of things have been going through my head lately.

But I can't remember all of it.

So I will save it for the next post.

Firstly, I'm glad I finally got over him.

I like it that we are just friends now.

I really do.

Don't get me wrong it's not that I think he don't qualify.

I just don't see HIM like that anymore.

Secondly, I finally got a line.

I am finally contactable.

As soon as I activate the line anyway.

There is no rush.

Thirdly, an update on the current standing of the question.

3-2

I like the results.

Well, enough to make me feel relieved anyway.

Starting to really think about how I look in the eyes of others.

I have been avoiding thinking about it for a very long time.

But I guess it's because I have "aged".

Never thought I'd feel so old.

At the age of 21.

Feels like it was just yesterday we were all in school.

Sigh~

Fourthly, I need to be at the beach.

Sentosa.

Just camp out there for a night.

Look at the stars.

Have good company.

Bring along some food and drinks.

Not forgetting some music, just in case.

And you have a perfect night out on a low budget.

I want it so bad.

I can almost taste the salty sea air.

Why Cry

I just had to ask the question.

I know I won't really like the answer but I just had to.

So I asked two guys tonight if they thought I am pretty.

One said "I won't say you are drop dead gorgeous but you are not ugly either.

You are cute.

You have a smile that can light up a room."

The other one: "You are sweet.

I have seen many beautiful girls but sweet is hard to forget.

Its so hard to find someone sweet anymore."

*Well both comments may have been altered alittle.

So they were saying I'm not pretty?

And trying to cover their asses thinking I won't get mad.

By sugar coating the ugly truth.

I know I'm not the most attractive person but I think I'm slightly above average looking.

They could have just said that.

Sugar coating it only makes me feel UGLIER.

So enough about appearances.

Let's talk about something that affects the heart.

My favourite subject.

So I was out with friends earlier.

I made a comment that I didn't think would be passed so quickly.

I mentioned that he still has feelings for the girl.

He denies it of cause.

I can see his eyes light up when he looks at her while she talks on the phone.

I can see the affection.

His arm on the side of the table looks like it was trying to reach to her.

But then again I may have been wrong.

They are close I guess.

So if I was wrong I apologise.

So the awkwardness still lingers.

I can read people well but not great.

Some can hide very well so I can't read.

But what I am really interested in is what goes in their heads.

I try to think like them.

Like I said I may be very off but it can cross their minds right?

The subject of HIM makes me ponder.

I feel like he is pushing me away cause he really does feel something for someone else.

Or he can make her up.

I know I said I'm trying not to think about it too much.

But its me.

I think too much.

So yea it drives me crazy not having a satisfactory answer.

I mean it was just yesterday he told me we should be just friends.

The very next day he tells me he is seeing someone else.

I mean I did ask if he had someone else and he denies it.

I had a feeling but I thought it was just crazy thoughts.

Am I that easy to forget?

I must be cause most of the guys I went out with got over me pretty quickly.

I must never have been special.

Words can only just be words.

But it can also mean that they just need to get over me by going out with someone else.

I think I am really losing my mind.

I am having more conversations with myself rather than with anyone else.

Whatever.

*Listening to: Why Cry - The Panic Channel

I've been feeling lonesome

I'm downed, don't know what to do

I let you lie to me

plant seeds inside to see them grow then leave them to die

I've learned my lesson,

I won't be forgetting,

I won't give my heart out without suspecting

why cry , why cry, why cry for you

I been lost and finding out that I've been such a fool

You thought you'd stick around until the day you found someone

to make me absolite

I learned my lesson,

I won't be forgetting,

I won't give my heart out with out suspecting

why cry, why cry, why cry, why cry for you

I learned my lesson,

I won't be forgetting

why cry, why cry, (for you)

why cry, why cry, (for you)

why cry, why cry (for you)

why cry, for you.

It will take awhile for me to fully get over this.

But I will.

Trust me?

Ok let's be honest.

Why I'm so hung up over this is because.

Sometimes I feel like I'm always trying to understand people.

Always trying to accommodate to others.

Always trying to make people happy.

Just once I want someone who will do all this for me.

Wait for me.

Give me time.

And not just give up on me and move on.

Like I said:

In The End I Will Be Just Your Long Lost Memory

My Uncle

When I was younger I was a very quiet child.

I never wanted to stand out.

So I never tried being close to any family member.

So recently I have been chatting with an uncle.

I could tell he was kind of sad he missed my growing years.

He may have missed it but I think it was better that he did.

I would never have allowed him to really know me anyway.

I still can't bring to let anyone to really know me.

Once they know I change my habits or places I hangout in.

So no one can find me.

I know he wants me to pick myself up and be all I can be.

But don't anyone ever think that sometimes I'm just tired.

Tired of always having to show the world that I can stand on my own two feet.

I know it's a good thing.

But come on give me a break.

I want someone to help me.

There I said it.

I want someone to help me to pay for my studies.

I know I can do so much.

I just need to get through this tough bump.

I will repay them once I get a job.

But everyone has their own lives.

And they would love to sit back and watch you work hard.

Be all you can be and feel good about themselves.

Thinking their words have been a part of getting you there at the top.

Just like no one was there to "save" me when I was younger.

What chance is there of anyone helping me now?

Now that I am old enough to stand on my own two feet right?

I know he means well.

But I still feel that everyone just says things.

Just like they did before.

So I guess I can never rely on anyone.

Just myself.

Just my lonely self.

I hate it when anyone says "I'm always here when you need me"

Or "I'm just a phone call away"

But no one has really been there for me.

When I really need someone.

I am forever having to find my own way out.

I'm so tired.

Most of my growing days

I always thought "Would anyone really miss me if I'm gone?"

Sure they think of how I'm doing.

But they were never really there to help.

I feel so unimportant.

Yeah money is not really that important.

Love is. Right?

But I never really felt that any of my family members ever loved me.

They always gave me this pity look.

I don't need pity.

I want to study.

So Yeah Life Goes On

Well I guess I will have to date someone else now.

He is finding himself.

Sometimes I really feel that it is me.

Do I make people start to question themselves?

And they go on a journey of self discovery.

Maybe I am just fated to teach.

Its going to be a very lonely road.

If I carry on this way I'll have no one to call my own.

When I was younger and thinner.

It was so easy to get to know "new" guys.

I'm not saying that I am so very old.

But I feel that way sometimes.

People are so superficial these days.

As much as they never admit it.

But they always go for the once over.

A once over to determine whether that person is HOT.

Once confirmed they try to get to know you.

I had a bad experience once.

I was at the MRT station a couple of months back.

There was this guy who was kinda cute.

He came up to me and gave me an email address cause he thought I was cute.

I was happy thinking I still got it.

Boy was I wrong.

He turned out to be a creep.

He was saying he had a girlfriend.

But he didn't mind getting to know me cause he don't mind bigger girls.

I mean yeah I was bigger then

But what makes him think that I want him anyway?

He thinks I'm this lonely "FAT" girl that is just dying to have someone in her life.

PLEASE...

Even if he was the last man

I'd rather die alone.

So guys think that bigger girls actually need saving from thinking they'd die alone.

But ultimately guys want a girl who they can show off to their friends.

I ask you is this fair?

In this time and age

Why do guys still think they are the best gender?

Women are just as good and maybe even better.

We can do the picking now too.

We can pick our partners and judge them on looks too.

Just like men can have trophy wives.

Women are having hot young husbands too.

Not that I'm really encouraging these kind of behaviour.

It's just something to ponder.

It will be a never ending race to see who is really better.

Recently

I had quite an awakening somewhat these last few weeks.

I had to admit alot of things that I have been denying for so long.

It's hard to admit especially to yourself that you have failed.

Firstly a relationship that was no longer there.

Lying to yourself that there was a relationship when in fact the person has left.

You know it and yet you keep thinking he still loves you.

It has ended but life goes on right?

So I tried dating again.

He is nice and caring and will make a good companion.

But I know I'm not ready cause my heart is still hurting.

Telling him that was hard.

But no more lies.

Seeing him recoil to his safe distance makes me feel so bad.

But at least I'm trying to do the right thing now.

Not rushing into another relationship and risk history repeating itself.

Secondly, hanging out with friends.

God I miss it.

Being in a relationship really kills time with friends.

As much as we all deny not ever forgetting friends.

It is a big fat lie.

You feel so obligated to please and spend time with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

So you forget that friends are always there for you when you are down.

Sean is planning a costume party.

Hopefully it turns out just fine.

P. A. R. T. Y?

Because we all gotta.

HAHA

Thirdly, I have to admit that my life is in a rut.

I have no job.

No money.

My life is not good now.

But I know my friends are here to help me get through it all.

So thank them all especially Sean.

I love you baby.

So I watched The Breakup yesterday.

It was like watching my life when I was in a relationship well some parts of it.

I really feel Brooke's thoughts and feelings.

I love the ending.

I want to be like her.

Pick herself up and get on with life.

So I need to get a job and get my diploma and then get a better job.

Further my studies again and get an even better job.

Haha sounds good?

I think so at least.

So don't forget the party will be on the 4th of November.

Everyone MUST come down.

Everytime I think of you I gaze at your photograph

The past has gone and will never repeat again

Just forget the stories of us

Don't plead to those who didn't care

Don't wait up for those who has already left

It will only open up old wounds

No word can ever describe the painful disappointments

So just let it be

What else is there to be said that hasn't already been said

The fates have dealt their cards

And yet this is human nature

Sweet words are easily spoken

But words are easily twisted

And tears continue to flow

Thinking of the bittersweet romance

In the end its just memories.

So I'm Back Again

I have been back home for about a week now.

Feels good this time.

I'm more open I guess.

I explained to my bro what I'm doin and I hope he understand.

I just came back from 1nitestand.

It was great.

Funny, I thought I would get bored real fast.

Because I was alone.

But I had alot of things to keep me entertain.

Dina was nice checking up on me very often so I felt good.

The band, 6 In The City, was f**king good as Dina commented when I got there.

They really have alot of energy.

They were so good I had goosebumps.

They even could perform "Hips Don't Lie"

Felt like I was on holiday.

The place has become quite a pick up joint.

Alot of woman were there just to waiting to be picked by our horny males.

Don't get me wrong I love men, but not those just trying to get laid.

And to all those people who think they can dance try recording yourself and show it to your friends.

Your real friends.

Unless they can't dance either.

I had a good laugh watching all these dancer wannabes.

PLEASE spare yourself the embarassment.

One thing I noticed was that alot of people have no sense of rhythm.

Which is sad, can just imagine how they perform during sex.

Must be BORING.

Listen to the music.

Most of the time I think they hear totally different music when they are dancing.

Cause some move too fast & some just float around.

It was hilarious.

New Family Pt 2

I feel like I'm suffocating again.

I want to run away, as far away as possible.

My home never felt like home to me.

The people in the house always makes me feel so crappy.

Yeah, so I don't have a job now.

But when I did before, remember who helped you.

Why do you always expect me to always be there for you when you guys are never there for me.

I feel so used.

You are my mum, my cousin and brother.

Don't talk to me like I'm dumb.

If you were in my position you will cry everyday for the rest of your lives.

If you havn't already noticed, I never really want to talk to any of you.

New Family

A whole week spent with musicians.

Yes I call them musicians because they are so very good.

Yet they are humble about their talents.

Got to play the drums alittle.

But spending time with them is very therapeutic.

I recommend it to anyone who has been feeling alittle down.

They are fun people to hangout with.

We cracked jokes all night long.

I'm upset because I won't be able to catch Blade and his band perform on Sunday.

I have been barred from Gas Haus.

Its a real joke I tell you.

Its not like I can or want to do any harm to them.

So what are you really afraid of Jeff & Sherry?

Been having an infactuation recently.

Can't help myself.

He is quite a hottie.

How can I not flirt with a hottie.

Great Week Of Friends

This would have to be one of the best week I have had in such a long time.

I met friends from long ago.

Get to act my age.

My mind is stimulated.

I like.

The world cup this time round has been quite a disappointment.

From the very beginning.

It wasn't as good as the last one.

The jerseys this time round was quite bland.

The theme song sucks.

But most importantly,

the spirit of it all isn't here.

The hype didn't even build up after the first round of games.

But nonetheless I get to watch quite a number of the matches with friends.

Which is fun in any level you see it.

Which Side Is Greener?

I have always loved being in a relationship.

I love the thought of having someone missing you whenever you are not around.

Always thinking of you.

Thinking of the next time you will meet again.

Just having someone to hold you close with.

Having someone to share your dreams.

I guess relationships are never like that these days.

Those who are fortunate enough to have this kind of relationships, I envy you.

I feel like I'm single now.

I am not obligated to report my whereabouts to anyone.

Which is quite fun.

I can go anywhere without feeling bad that someone might be left behind.

But at the end of the day.

I still feel alone.

I still cry myself to sleep.

I still think of you.

My mind is hating.

My heart is aching.

My brain is dying.

My soul is drifting.

In the end its just me standing.

Alone.

In this dark mind boggling world.