*Friday, September 16, 2005*

Celebrate Simple Milestones in Your Relationship to Spice it up


When you first get together, every moment feels memorable enough to commemorate. "Sweetheart, it's the two-week anniversary of the first time we said, 'I love you.'" "Aww, it's been three months and four days since our first kiss!" "Oh, honey, remember when we first ate hot dogs together? It was six weeks ago today (sigh)." But once the relationship evolves from thrilling and new to cozy and familiar, the act of recalling small -- sometimes silly, but no less meaningful -- milestones often falls by the wayside. But why forgo fun rituals that can keep you feeling connected?

According to Brenda Schaeffer, Ph.D., author of Is It Love or Is It Addiction?, doing things together to honor an anniversary, no matter how insignificant it may seem, "helps keep two people emotionally connected." Bonus: A relationship running on fumes, says the Minnesota-based psychologist, can regenerate if the couple engages in rituals that link them to their past and therefore guide them toward their future.
Intrigued by the idea, but not sure how to put it into practice after months (or even years) of ignoring your relationship's red-letter days? Not certain you and your partner even agree on when the milestones occurred? These and other wrinkles can be ironed out with the proper 'tude.

Making It Happen

First, decide which milestones to celebrate -- and make sure you agree on the details of the event. Sure, a wedding anniversary is pretty obvious. If he forgets the exact date, there are plenty of witnesses to remind him (and photos and videos of the event to aid with summoning up specifics). But what if you two have fond but vague, and perhaps differing, memories of other uber-romantic snapshots from your past?

Dr. Schaeffer suggests that couples write up lists of their five favorite milestones individually and then exchange the lists. "Once the couple compares and reconstructs each event," she says, "they can begin to celebrate them. And those celebrations are something to look forward to each year." Such celebrations are even more special because they're not obligatory, but rather, represent things both parties choose to commemorate (regardless of whether it's in a small or lavish fashion).

Elaine Fantle Shimberg offers a surefire memory jogger: Go back and try to re-create the event you're celebrating. The coauthor of Another Chance for Love explains, "When did you meet and where? Go back to the same restaurant where you had the first meal together. Try to recall what you ate." In Shimberg's own experience, she ordered Roquefort dressing, which was 50 cents more than the other dressings... and she only had it because that's what he ordered. She laughs, saying, "I don't remember what I did yesterday, but do remember that part of the meal."

What's the Point?

Jane Bethel, a 30-year-old pharmacist in Manhattan, says the decision she and her husband made to celebrate certain milestones gave their two-year marriage a lift. "Jim and I were getting a little bored, so one night we started musing about our sweetest, most exciting moments together. We both kept coming back to the first kiss. Of course, he thought it was raining and I was positive it was sunny, but we both remembered it was during a picnic on April 28, 1998, in Central Park. Now every year -- rain or shine -- we head to the park for a picnic... and lots of kissing." She adds, blushing, "Since the kissing picnic proved so successful, Jim and I started celebrating the first time we had sex!" [Editor's note: Now we're all blushing.]
Since the purpose of celebrating milestones is to stir up some romance, it's all the better if real effort or sacrifice is involved in honoring the occasion. Samantha Edgington still gushes when she recalls her man's true act of chivalry in honor of their relationship. The 32-year-old writer from Chicago recalls, "We met on May 4th five years ago. Soon after, we made a pact to never make plans on the fourth of any month so we could spend the day together." She wasn't sure how he'd handle it when his monthly poker game with the guys fell on -- you guessed it -- the fourth. But he turned down the invite for that month's game and won her eternal devotion. The two -- not surprisingly -- are now married.

The milestone Sue Shapiro, author of Lighting Up: How I Stopped Smoking, Drinking, and Everything Else I Loved in Life Except Sex, celebrates with husband Aaron is a bit more sarcastic than sugary, but it's equally heartfelt. "Every November 22, Aaron and I go for a special dinner in honor of the night he proposed back in 1995." She laughs, "We'd been on and off for six years. I was trying everything: giving ultimatums, making jokes ('What are you waiting for, social security?'), attending couples' therapy." But the joke's on Aaron, as he's adjusted so well to married life, he not only looks forward to the annual "I Did the Deed" dinner -- he regrets not proposing sooner!

Get Your Guy on Board

Most men will find the idea of celebrating mini-occasions appealing (good food, probably sex what's not to like?). But a few might consider the milestone-marking idea a trifle, well, womanish. If that's the case in your situation, here are some tips to save the day:
No pressure.There are zero rules attached to how you mark your occasion(s). It's not required (or even necessary) to exchange gifts or cards, go out for a gourmet dinner or for him to send flowers. Let your guy give lots of input as to how you celebrate.
Hint, hint. Scott Haltzman, MD, the founder of Secrets of Married Men strongly suggests that women help guys remember important days. "You can't be too overt about it, but don't drop hints that are too small because you might end up disappointed. We men 'get it,' but it often helps if what you are expecting is spelled out -- and highlighted!"
What's in a name? The way you refer to your special day(s) makes a difference. "Calling something a 'ritual' makes it seem really important and says to both of you that your relationship is something to be proud of, something sacred," says Dr. Schaeffer.

Some Inspiration

Amelia and Cliff Cody kept a pledge that they made on their wedding day back in 1998 in Nashville: Every year they renew their vows. Amelia, a 41-year-old entrepreneur, says happily, "Whether it's just dinner and a meeting with a local minister or the full deal at the Little White Chapel, it's a wonderful celebration that gives us at least a day -- and sometimes three or four days -- to be alone, which is hard now that we have a daughter."
Each year, they write their own vows based on what they're going through at that time. Not every renewal is extravagant, but each is recorded for posterity. "We have great pictures of us: in Wrigley Field wearing T-shirts, at Niagara Falls while I was pregnant. The hair, the clothes... The pictures are so funny -- and a fun memory." Do the vows, repeated so frequently, still have meaning? "We always get butterflies. It reminds you of your own personal commitment and how much the other person is still committed to you. It gets us through the year with a renewed spirit."

Unlike Amelia and Cliff, Tammy and Burt Jones didn't start renewing their vows until their 14th anniversary. The ritual was triggered by a yearlong breakup. Tammy, a 54-year-old bookkeeper from Connecticut, explains, "We didn't really appreciate what we had together until we'd almost lost it." The couple doesn't hold formal ceremonies with a minister but rather, casually and privately restates their vows on an annual basis. They're now on their 29th year of togetherness. Amen

Dee blogged at 10:50:00 AM

*Monday, September 12, 2005*

I think i can learn from this.....

7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship
Good relationships don't just happen. I've heard many of my clients state that, "If I have to work at it, then it's not the right relationship." This is not a true statement, any more than it's true that you don't have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction. I've discovered, in the 35 years that I've been counseling couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF

This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one's partner for one's own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.

KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE

Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly -- with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change -- you can only change yourself.

LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We've all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship.For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment -- of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment -- of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually -- by learning instead of controlling.

CREATE DATE TIMES

When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together -- to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS

Positive energy flows between two people when there is an "attitude of gratitude." Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don't have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well.

FUN AND PLAY

We all know that "work without play makes Jack a dull boy." Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

SERVICE

A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

Dee blogged at 12:41:00 PM

*Monday, September 05, 2005*

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster by events and people around me for the past few weeks....
been feeling depressed..... been feeling stressed...... sigh......

Why do i feel this way?? and coincidentally, i always feel shitty nearing my birthday....

My birthday chalet this friday seems like a disaster...... key word is "seems"... hope it turns out fine....

Been trying to keep optimistic but i always get sucked deep into the cold, dark abyss.....

I find myself crying myself to sleep..... yet again..... this phase..... this stupid phase in my life....

I'm unhappy.....

I need someone to make me happy... make me smile again.... sigh...

Dee blogged at 5:50:00 PM

*Friday, August 19, 2005*

hmmm..

been having this spliting headache since 2 days ago that feels like as if the eyeballs in my head are gonna pop out any moment.... i think mayb i haven't been havin much sleep

Went home for lunch just now and ate Beauflu.... feeling much much better now....

Well... moving on... pretty uneventful day at work today..... the usual... sit in front of the computer and rot mode.... but hell i get paid for doing just that so i might as well appreciate it while it lasts.... I was told yesterday that i was gonna have added work functions... so i'll better enjoy these moments of freedom and slacking....... I think everyone's jealous... hahahah! can't blame them..... it's great to be an executive here! (for the time being at least)

Hmmm... yester on the news there was smthn abt NKF..... again... gosh those pple really have alot of skeletons in their closets.... dno what else Mr Ee will find in there....

Let's see... the past few days.... watched Dim Sum Dollies on Wednesday... twas cute and funny....... then went to Railway to discuss my chalet (Upcoming in 2 weeks! How exciting!)... We decided on " Movies" as the theme... dress up as a character from a movie.... Hope to plan the activities this weekend.... Ayu and Mel haven't gotten back to me on their availability =( Booboo did the invites aldy... gonna see it this sunday.... Probably try to get it out by then if possible...

I guess dat's it for today's entry ! Feeling kinda lazy to continue aldy...

Dee blogged at 2:40:00 PM

*Tuesday, August 16, 2005*

Why hello there fellow bloggers !

Gosh it's been ages since i last blogged !!! No comments... Well let's see... i'm bored at work right now hence the sudden decision to type in my blog due to intense boredom *YaWN*

Ok well... let me update my life current....

I have gotten a job since.... been working here 5 months aldy.... wow 5 months really just flew past that quickly.....

I'm studying part-time too @ UniSIM (oh how unglamourous).... am thinking of quitting cuz it's kinda stressful working and studying... so i figured work and save money then study later ( hopefully i'll still have enough brain cells)

Sigh... other than that... BORING.... stopped playing rugby, growing fat.... sigh.....

Dee blogged at 10:46:00 AM

*Sunday, February 20, 2005*

pls fendi...if ur reading this..... i'm sorry i caused u so much heart ache..........i never thought it wld end this way....and i hope one day u will understand y......

only Allah knows........... all those times we shared i will cherish...and u will always always have a special place in my heart........

i know u hate me right now.......i don't blame u..... but i hope u will understand one day y i have made this decision.........

i just want u to know dat the past one yr with u has been the most wonderful thing that has happened to me.... i had always been true to u and only u and this many pple know for a fact....

u've been thru so many things with me........ i appreciate all the things u've done for me , like camping out with me for Singapore Idol.......sending me home all the way....being there for me when i needed u most...........

it's just sad things have to end this way............. i hope Allah will give u the strength and open up ur heart to help u thru this......He is always there for u and will help u understand if u ask him for help.....

the Jason Mraz song "You and i" is for u......


Dian


YOU AND I(JASON MRAZ)

Was it you who spoke the words
That things would happen but not to me
All things are gonna happen naturally
Oh, taking your advice and I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
Oh, but at often times, those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright light turns to night
Oh, until the dawn it brings
A little bird to sing about the magic that was you and me
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others only read of
Others only dream of the love
Oh, the love that I love
Love-ah-love-ah
See, I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words than I had ever heard
And I feel so alive
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Oh love, love, you and I, you and I
Not so little, you and I anymore
Mmm hmm
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving
Is the glory of a boy
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally de de de de de de de, well I'm almost finally, finally
Well, I am free, oh I'm free
And it's okay
If you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
Well, they're working in both ways
But if I never, ever hear it ring
If nothing else
I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else
And that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang
Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well, then I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally de de de de de de de de
Well I'm almost finally
Finally out of words

Dee blogged at 10:58:00 PM

*Tuesday, February 01, 2005*

I'm finding for a new blogskin.....

This shall be my temporary skin while i scout ard.....

Dee blogged at 2:06:00 PM