Forest Fires and Therapy instead of Murder

Do people blog anymore? Don't we all just Instagram? I don't even know. I know I haven't...obviously...I haven't even looked at my own blog in a good three years. I think. I could check the last post, but then I'd have to...check my last post...and I'm too lazy to do that right now.

Though, if I'm going to blog again, I should probably start a whole new blog. But then we're back to the whole..."do people blog anymore, really?" question, and then I'd just basically have a new blog that nobody reads and one I'm not sure I could promise to keep up anyway. 

So it's just gonna happen here. I guess. Really, I have no idea why. Other than I'm doing it and it's making me feel better for a minute.

I feel like there's a whole different person writing this post now than the person who wrote all the previous posts. I guess that's not entirely true, but...kind of. I mean, I'm still me. Just...the version of me that managed to survive a couple pretty challenging (is that even the right word?) years. 

Amy. Love her. Also it makes me want to punch things. #angermanagement

Anyway.

I think it feels like my life was a forest that just had a major forest fire. One that basically obliterated everything. And there's just this tiny little new baby tree just pushing it's little head above the surface, thinking, "Whew! Did it! Hello, world! ....holy crap. What happened here?" 

Because its whole new world is nothing like the one before. No green, no life, just death everywhere. I mean, the sun is shining, and that's what helped the little baby tree get above the surface, but...that's where the life stops.

At least for the moment. The rest will come back to life, like it always does, but have you ever SEEN a forest fire aftermath? And how long it takes for everything to grow back and the forest to have real, thriving life in it again? Or forests that have been replanted after a logging company comes in and wipes it all out? Years, people. Decades. Actual decades. 

It may not take that long. I have no idea. But that's how destroyed everything feels. I mean, by now, there's been some rainfall that's helped kind of wash away the crusty, still smoking, decimated remains. But it's still basically a black ashy wasteland. 

I'm not saying that to be depressing, or to invoke sympathy from anybody. Though, there would be that person or two who would roll their eyes and say that's exactly what I'm doing. 

Okay, screw you. 

Sorry. Now that those two jerks are gone, I'll get back to where I was going with this. 

My marriage ended. 

It's no secret by now. 

And it ended horribly. 

With all the forest fire fury and destruction that could have possibly happened. 

Honestly. 

Worst case scenario. 

In every possible way. 

And if there's somebody out there that thinks I'll ever want to even sit down in the same vicinity with, let alone be eventual friends with, the person who lit the match to start their little fire in a place they never should've been and then just figured it was fine to keep it burning  because...hey, it's fine. It'll probably burn out eventually, or I dunno...maybe it'll burn some stuff, but that's not their fault. Right? 

I mean, far be it from me to quote him, but...what that guy said. 

Their carelessness, selfishness, and just plain stupidity burned an entire freaking forest. A pretty damn beautiful one, if you ask me. So, no. We won't ever be speaking in this life, or the next one if I can help it. I can eventually be like, "Okay, you're an incredibly stupid a*#hole, but I mean...whatever. Eventually this will grow back and be beautiful again." But expecting me to like them, or share any aspect of the forest with them ever again? 

HELLS. to the NAH. 

Because only you can prevent forest fires. By not inviting arsonists inside. And not being a run-of-the-mill dumb a*#. I'm just saying.

Do you love that I'm speaking in such covert analogy? I know. It's actually not that covert. But I'd rather use trees and forests than names and faces. 

(Actually, who are we kidding? I'd rather just use names and faces. But there's still this part of me that kind of cares about not doing that. I'm not sure why though. Maybe I'll just eventually get rid of that nice part of myself and let the other part be in charge. Currently, that sounds less like an angry move, and more like a brave, in-charge move that doesn't take any crap from anybody else. But I'll give it a little more time before making that move.)

So anyway. Still staring at the dead, ashen forest. Pretty ticked about it. I used to look at it and just cry and cry. Because it was my favorite place. And I loved it. But now it's gone. And listen, I know it wasn't one of the eight wonders of the world, but IT WAS MY FAVORITE PLACE. And someone came in and burned it all up. And now I want to destroy their favorite place. 

Also, why is it we think if it's not perfect, that it's worth destroying? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? 

I think my favorite thing I've seen in months was a guy's profile "about me" section on an online dating app, (NOT TINDER. And yeah, I perused one for about five minutes one day, it was less than exciting with only a few exceptions. But that's another post for another day.) who just had in all caps, 

"WHO STARTS ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP BEFORE THE CURRENT ONE ENDS? WHO MADE THIS A THING?"

I wanted to swipe right so badly just to validate him. But I didn't. Also because dating makes me want to vomit. 

But I'm so on his same page. It's so incredibly selfish and wasteful. And infuriating. 

This is why people go to therapy. And take crazy pills. So they won't go burning down someone else's forests and take down arsonists. Even if they deserve the opportunity.*

Except, aren't there people who take down arsonists? Like, as their job? Career reevaluation starts now.

* People should have to wear the tag of what they did to end their last relationship. I'm being serious. Mine would probably read "emotional pregnant chick who kept expecting her husband to be around someday and then didn't keep her cool when she found out why he wasn't" or something. I dunno. Something like that.

Accidentally threw part of that whole "covert" idea out the window for a second. MY BAD.

I'll write about the good stuff another day, probably.

In like four years. haha. 

The Criminal

So, there I was...

Sitting in the Driver's License Division.

No, I wasn't there to get a pretty new picture taken. I wasn't there to change my name. I wasn't there to change my address.

I'd already been trying to do those things for months. Since getting married a few months earlier, I'd made a terrible discovery only a few weeks into our marriage:

I was a criminal.

Let me teach you a quick lesson on being a responsible driver. There's this really really simple thing you can do online with the DLD...it's called changing your address. If I can stress nothing else to you with this all-important blog post, it is to go online and make sure your address is updated with them. You'll thank me later, I imagine.

Anyway, my problem was that I hadn't done this very tiny, 45-second process in...years. I'd actually meant to after moving from my first apartment in Provo to another apartment in Provo six years earlier, but I'd forgotten, and then...every time I'd moved since then, I hadn't done it because I'd forgotten that was a thing people should do. And really, I was in the same city...what's the big deal, right?

Riiiiiiiiiight.

Apparently, I'd gotten one too many speeding tickets in the past few years. And apparently, they'd sent me a nice letter informing me I needed to come talk to them, or they'd suspend my driving privileges.

Only...I'd never gotten said letter, because it went to an address I hadn't lived at in six years.

GULP.

That had been in July of that year. This was December. I'd gotten pulled over for going 9 miles over the speed limit that October, and was then angrily, accusingly, informed that I was not only getting a speeding ticket (dang speed traps! And let's not forget I was on my way to sing with the MoTab in General Conference. yes, yes. I'm that amazing.) but did I happen to know I also had been driving on a suspended license for three months???! For pulling this stunt, albeit unknowingly, I was going to have to go to court. And likely get suspended again. And pay the courts a lot of dollars. Dollars I didn't have after just getting married...and...well...

So then we came to December. I'd already been to court three different times by then. Because, let's not forget, I was now a criminal. But this time, I was about to meet (again) with a very crusty lady who could look at a form signed by a judge, stating I was merely kind of an idiot, and not really a criminal, and then she could let me have my license back. If she felt so inclined.

My really sweet husband had come with me that day to lend moral support. He's a good guy, that one, standing by me in my darker hours. For better or worse, or something like that.

So anyway; there we were.

After waiting about 30 minutes (typical), a stocky guard came up to us, looked my husband straight in the eye, and told him it was about his turn.

"Uh...sir...ahem. Excuse me. The court appointment is actually for me. "

He looked dumbfounded. "Oh! Uh...oh. It's for you?"

Yep. Quell thine heart attack, sir. It's for me. The criminal. Over here. Not my husband with his tattoos and black shirt and trademark stoic face that people sometimes interpret as menacing. HE is actually completely innocent. Don't you feel sheepish now, officer?

He did.

Anyway, the crusty lady took pity on me, and signed the paper. I got my new license, where I look appropriately like an inmate. (Okay, not really, but can I have my 21-year-old picture back? I was actually prepared for that picture. Le sigh.)

As we were walking out of the division that morning, my super sweet hubby put his arm around me, pulled me close, brought his lips to my ear, and whispered "Try not to break any more laws, okay babe?"

I may have promptly punched him in the bicep.

Clearly, I can't promise anything.

Time to cowgirl up, ya'll.

Oh, HEY.

Remember me???

No?

Oh. Ahem. :) 

That's probably because I accidentally/on purpose let this sweet little blog die. 

Here, I'll tell you why. See that last post down there? Tough subject for me at the time. Rendered a lot of support from friends at a time when I felt judged or attacked or frustrated by the opinions of others. I almost didn't publish that post out of pure fear. But I think I did post it out of...well...a desperate desire to feel understood.

Most people understood. Most people were so kind and awesome. 

But one person - a person I don't even know at all - someone I've never ever met - decided to attack me with "information" both by commenting on my blog and then sent text messages to my personal phone - and suddenly, I felt vulnerable. And really really angry. Protective not only of my heart, but the heart of the man I love. (He's a big boy - he can handle it, but I happen to feel fairly territorial about it all the same.) I've since moved past this silly incident. I get it. I've been the angry ex-girlfriend before...maybe I didn't handle it the same way this person did, but I know the feelings all too well. 

Anyway - that's why I didn't write for a while, for the most part. My blog is public. I've made it private before, and I could have made it private again, but it sort of irritated me to have to do so. I like being able to communicate with people this way. So, while this blog may not heretofore contain quite the level of personal thoughts as it has previously, (it might) I still want to write on it occasionally to record LIFE. Because life is worth living FULLY, and loving COMPLETELY. No matter who has an opinion about it - no matter who tries to squelch your joy. The point is - we have been given a LIFE. No matter how you might believe that life came about or where you're going after this life - I think we can all agree we've been given something pretty amazing. 

My goal and challenge for the rest of my life will be to focus on the goodness. The support. The happiness. The sweetness. The love. :) 

So let the naysayers say what they say. I know the level of thought and ridiculous mental anguish I tend to put myself through with basically every big life decision. ;) We'll see what comes about from here on out. 

In the meantime, I married the most wonderful man I've ever met. I fell completely in love with him, and I fall a little more and a little differently in love with him every single day. We both had very different stories; we are very different people, but it has made for an incredibly beautiful, challenging, enlightening, growing experience I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING. I. love. who he is, and the things I am learning by sharing a life with him. We still have many things to encounter - I know that for sure. But I'm trusting God to help us figure out the rest of it. Our wedding day was the most beautiful day of my life. (A long day wherein we forgot to eat much of anything, and the planning threatened to kill me and slay my sanity...) But so incredibly beautiful and full of love. 

There were moments words couldn't begin to express, and that's a treasure worth every painful step we took to get there. 

I learned even more from our dating to marriage experience to really really trust MY relationship with God and not focus on the opinions of others...even though I genuinely appreciate their opinions. In the end, I live with my choice. And I couldn't imagine choosing to go a route without the man who is now my husband. I married a man who has been really taught by life, who has learned what I think are really incredible lessons from his experiences, and a man who loved me enough to want me along for the ride...and if religion was the only thing standing in our way, who was I to say it couldn't be done? Especially when I felt completely right and peaceful about taking on life the challenges and beauties of life, with him. 

We've learned a lot since that really beautiful day...and I can only imagine the things we will learn as we go forward. But you know what? I'm EXCITED! They are ours to learn. 

I'm choosing to focus on the glorious happy parts of life, even in the midst of the angry curve-balls life inevitably throws at us all. We get to choose our reactions to life...so even though sometimes my first reaction is to curl up in a ball and cry, or let one person try to stop me from going forward (though I'd like to maintain my dignity by saying nobody can stop me)...well, that's a thing I choose to fight from now on. :)

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."

-Marjorie Pay Hinckley

"And all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good..."

Hi, I'm DeeAura, and I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. I'm a Mormon. I have been my whole life. I believe it truly is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ on the earth today, and I know it contains the fullness of truth concerning why we are here, where we came from, and where we're going. It teaches us how to live lives worthy to return to the presence of God one day. I believe we lived before we came here, and that life continues after our mortality ends here on earth. I believe that families can be together FOREVER; that husbands and wives can be married for time and all eternity. I also believe we don't get these things for free...they require incredible effort and commitment on our part. We are human. This is not an easy task. We will make mistakes. I believe, and know, that Jesus Christ came to this earth to teach us how to live, and to sacrifice his life for us, so we could rectify the mistakes we would and will  make in this life. I believe in the truth of the Bible and the Book of Mormon; that they are witnesses of Jesus Christ, and by reading them, we will become closer to God and learn to be more like Him. We are here to learn to become like God, and that is no small task. I was raised on these truths, and have found out for myself that they really are: true. Easy? No, not always. But they bring real, true happiness.

None of these things are news to anyone who knows me. At least it's not news that I'm Mormon. I'm also in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I love singing in this choir not only for the musical opportunities it brings me, but also because music has always been my main medium for learning truth and helping spread and support it. It's like a fire in my soul burns just a little brighter whenever I sing. So, I love singing in the choir for the music, but also for the opportunity to sing about the things I believe. I consider it one of my greater blessings at this time of my life to be able to sing in such a beautiful choir with such a beautiful purose. 

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes in my life; some small, some not so small. I have felt of my Heavenly Father's love as I do all I can to correct my mistakes, and have felt even more of his love as I realize I cannot fix everything myself. I know I need him. 

I also live in Utah. Supposedly the mecca for Mormons. I'll admit...there are a lot of us here. Growing up in Utah I never really thought much of how many Mormons were here...I just...well, that's how it was in my world. I remember the first time I heard the term, "Utah Mormon." I'll admit I was slightly offended. I think I first heard it from a friend who lived in California, who was also a Mormon. Something about how Mormons outside of Utah were more open-minded and we lived in a bubble here.

Well, that was annoying, although I'll admit there was some truth to that. I'd never really considered, for one, that people would reject me because of what I believed. I genuinely had never experienced that. My best friend in grade school was a Jehovah's Witness. Not only that, but her dad was the lead Minister for their area. I remember inviting her to church one time, and offering her a Book of Mormon, which she politely declined, but she told me she'd come to my church if I came to hers. :) We were eight years old. Just little kids, but religion was already a big part of our lives. We didn't reject each other, however, because of our religious differences. Admittedly, I haven't seen her since grade school, but I still consider her the nicest, sweetest friend I had at that age. 

At age 13, I was adopted by my step-dad and sealed to him and my mom in the LDS Salt Lake Temple for time and all eternity. This was a really important day to me, and I remember being so incredibly happy. But I also, through that experience, felt some of the first stings of rejection because of a religious choice I'd ever felt. It wasn't an easy experience at all, but it's one I knew was right for me. The details of that experience are personal, but the ramifications followed me for years afterward. Once again, I wouldn't change my choice to be sealed to my family in the temple, but even other family members weren't fully supportive, and I had a half sister I loved dearly who would not speak to me ever again because she didn't understand. As a 13 year old kid...that was devastating. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone; I was just trying to make what I felt was the right choice. 

As I grew up a little more, things my religion protected me from were still present around me; I just didn't pay much attention to them. I never drank or smoked or partied...I'll admit I was fairly sheltered in comparison to the "norm."

College was still full of being surrounded mostly by those who shared my beliefs, for the most part. I went to a church school for my first two years, and then to Utah State for the rest of my degree. About halfway through my college career, my brother told our family he was gay. I fully admit that was the first time I'd considered what it even meant to be gay. And I honestly had no clue...and I felt like an awful sister for not...noticing? I also didn't understand how that all fit into what I had believed my entire life. Honestly, that took years of sorting through. And lots of prayer and seeking to understand from my Heavenly Father. I loved my brother more than I could ever say. But I didn't understand how that all worked. Eventually I came to peace with it, and while I still believe what my religion teaches, I love my brother more than anything. I don't know all the answers; I just know I love him, and I love God, and I know he loves my brother just as much as he loves me. There's no way you could convince me otherwise.

That leads me to a more recent and much different experience. Dating. I waited until I was 16 to go on my first date. A religious guideline/recommendation I decided to follow. I have honestly only ever seriously dated men who are also members of my same faith. I have gone on dates with men who aren't Mormon, but it never went anywhere serious. There were just too many differences. 

As I've gotten older, I honestly tried everything I could to make things work as I dated men with my same beliefs. It is incredibly important to me to share that with whomever I date because I want to share that with whomever I marry. I've always been taught you marry who you date, so I've tried to be very careful with the choices of men I decided to date seriously. I can't imagine getting married anywhere other than the temple, and I honestly don't think anything will ever change my mind on that topic. It is where I have been headed my entire life, and I have no intentions of changing that ideal. And yet, even having our religion in common didn't guarantee the natural state of dating. Sometimes things work, and sometimes they don't. I have dated some really really incredible guys in my life. I may not still see or talk to many of them, but I really do have the highest respect for all of them. 

But for one reason or another, this past year, the dates I've gone on with men who don't share my same religious beliefs have increased. I still spent plenty of time with Mormon guys, and I even really liked some of them. But the actual dating scene was taking place more and more with men who weren't LDS. I could explain this in a few different ways, I guess. LDS guys just don't seem to date that much as they get older. Or at least...they weren't taking me on dates. :) I was the great friend, or the girl they really wanted to spend time with, but not the one they chose to pursue. That hurt at times, but I tried to just shrug it off for a while. Then I tried confronting it. Then I tried ignoring it. And I think that's when I started accepting more dates from guys who weren't Mormon. 

And you know what? I was taken on dates. You know, the real ones where they come to your house and pick you up and tell you how pretty you look and plan something to do...something thoughtful toward me and what I might like instead of me feeling privileged to tag along for what they wanted to do and to meet duty's purposes, called it a date and begrudgingly invited me along. Anyway, the dates were refreshing, and it wasn't hard to start saying no to the LDS guys I wished would ask me on dates, but only ever asked me to come "hang out." Saying no to them was EASY. There's something to be said for a man who genuinely wants to spend time with you, and will go out of his way to do it. I don't need someone to spend a ton of money on me to make me feel good. I'd eat ramen on a date if the guy was genuine and interested and not afraid to show it. I'm just saying...it's nice to be treated well in all aspects.

This might actually bring me to my real point. I've started dating one of those guys. You know, the one who treated me like I was made of gold. The one who actively wanted to be in my life and would go out of his way to do it, by his own choice. The one who could focus on me instead of including me in his supposed twelve options to bounce back and forth between because he's afraid of missing out on the MOST perfect option. Also, I'm sorry. This is not a Mormon guys vs. Non-Mormon guys issue. That's just kind of an issue. My main this is this:

Ever since I started dating this very sweet guy. This guy who can actually focus long enough to see me. The guy I didn't have to convince I was good enough...you want to know what most of my general feedback from other people has been? Difficult. Judgmental. Frustrating. Sometimes it has made me cry.

The guy who treats me so well doesn't LOOK like the guys I've dated in the past is the one some people can't see for how wonderful he really is. As much as I'd like to say that typically offensive "Utah Mormon" attitude doesn't exist, and as much as I have really tried not to have that attitude throughout my life...it's like it came and slapped me in the face for daring to go outside. People should know these things hurt. They sting. And they shouldn't be said. 

I should be fair. I've also received great support and love from my family and close friends, who have taken the time to see beyond the surface. And for them, I am truly grateful. No matter what happens here, I feel like I've seen more of their hearts, and they've seen more of mine.

But even still sometimes, there seems to be a lingering sadness in most of their eyes. It's a sadness I understand, but one I'm also trying very hard to sort out. Blessings like being married in the temple, which as always been a goal for me, are available only to worthy and active members of the church. I will never stop trying to go toward that goal, but I understand it takes two. But no one can tell me right now that couldn't become a reality at some point along this unexpected road. This wonderful road.

I believe in a God who loves ALL of us. We are all his children. I not only believe that, but I know it's true. I also believe in a God whose timing, I have painfully learned over the course of my own life, is very different from mine. But each and every time I have felt to complain about this timing, I find in the end to only be grateful for even that tiny smidgen of trust that enabled me to hang in there and wait it out and I trusted in my Heavenly Father. And things have always turned out so much better than I ever expected.

Whatever happens in this very new, different, exhilarating and sometimes exhausting experience, I just want to shout from the rooftops what I have been learning...

There is so much more to every person that meets the eye. Some of us look like we're all clean and bright, but we all have things going on beneath the surface. Battles we've won; battles we've lost. If all our sins and disappointments; if all our grief and darkness were on the surface, we'd all look very different. But I choose to focus on the light that is in me, and on the light I see in other people. I am not perfect, but I do love my Heavenly Father more than anyone or anything else. I will slip and fall sometimes and lose sight of that from time to time because I am human, and I am here to learn to become better...to become like my loving Heavenly Father. But the thing is...I know He knows me and He knows my heart. I know He loves me. And I also know he knows and loves this wonderful guy who treats me so well. I know He also deserves to know these things I know. And I choose him right now. By choosing to love someone who doesn't currently share my religious beliefs, I have not felt less of my Heavenly Father's love. I have not felt cut off by him.

Of course I want this wonderful man to know what I believe, and what I love, and what makes me who I am. I want him to have that because it means so much to me, and he also means so much to me. I want him to know and have for himself what I have and know for myself. But this is all a matter of personal choice; that priceless gift of agency given us by our loving Heavenly Father, and a timeline I already know I have no control over, and no knowledge of exactly when we may or may not come together on this matter. But he listens to me, and he hears me out. He honestly considers the things I tell him about my beliefs, and he has more than once now put on that shirt and tie and held my hand and walked into a church building with me. He has walked boldly into what is unknown for him because of how he feels about me. I have dared to ask and do these things because of how I feel about him. And you know what? I love him for that and so much more. I know one day he will have the full opportunity to decide how he feels about these beliefs that have come into his life because we met. I don't know what his choice will be, and I will cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime, I have the most wonderful, thoughtful, man in my life, and I can't think of a single reason to not be grateful for him and to love him right back.

I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints is the one true church upon the earth, and I know that with my whole soul. I also know none of us are perfect; we are here to learn to love one another and to learn to become more like our Heavenly Father so we can one day return to live with Him again. I know it can be hard to open up to those around us about what we believe because we don't want to be pushy or whatever else may go through our minds...but I do think we all give ourselves far too much credit. We need to be more bold. More hopeful. More trusting. More loving. More aware of those around us.

I include myself in these things. I've given myself far too much credit for sharing the gospel in the past. There are countless people out there who have never heard of all the things I have been blessed to grow up knowing. But even more so, those of us who do know these things...we need to be happier and more free about sharing what we know. We need to share it as much as others need to hear it. There is an ache in my heart right now to share whatever I can with whomever I can...the most important to me right now, being this incredibly wonderful guy I'm in love with. I don't know everything about my Heavenly Father's plan for me, but I trust him enough to go forward and find out; even if I don't always know exactly what to do, and even if it isn't exactly how I always pictured it. I know by now He knows far more than I do, and I know he will help me know what to do.

And I guess His approval is the only one I really need, and I trust Him to help me know what to do, no matter the circumstances.

It is not enough...and then it is.

I had the most beautiful experience last week while singing at Sister Francis Monson's funeral with the choir. Since then, I have come to more fully appreciate that moment, and I'm only sure I will appreciate it even more in the days to come. 

Experiences in dating have been a roller coaster this year. More so than in previous years, I guess, but it's not like I had experienced that major heartbreak of a few years ago. Just lots of smaller ones. Some my own doing, others not. 

But this particular one was sitting right on that tender part of my heart for some reason, and I had been praying to my Heavenly Father to know what to do. For quite a while now, I have slowly become friends with this particular guy. There have been times I was more interested than others, but suddenly for me, there had been a surge of circumstances and emotions...and pretty strong feelings to go outside my comfort zone and be...well, brave, I guess.

I've always wanted to do the right thing. Does my strength wane at times? Of course. Do I make mistakes? Without question. But my desire to do the right thing has always been there underneath or over it all. I think sometimes that desire somehow turns to fear that I might do the wrong thing. 

The night before, I had been praying for some direction...and had the feeling I would know what to do the next day.

So I went to bed, and got up the next morning to go sing at Sister Monson's funeral.

Have I mentioned how deeply, incredibly grateful I am to sing with this choir? The spirit, the opportunities, the music, and the way it feeds my heart and soul are like nothing else I have ever experienced. 

I still didn't know what to do, but I wasn't particularly focused on my own troubles during the funeral. I just sang and listened to the sweet messages being shared, and fell in love with their darling angel of a great-grand daughter who sang the sweetest rendition of "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" that I may have ever heard. 

And then, during this part...during the tender departure of the family to the cemetary, as we sang "God Be With You 'Til We Meet Again," I suddenly had my very own experience, and it took me by surprise. 

I very immediately knew what to do. I felt so much light I could almost see it. I knew where I needed to be, I felt my Heavenly Father's love for me and his awareness of my sistuation...mine...and I stood there singing that closing song with tears streaming down my face because of the love I felt. 

It was the next day, and I knew what to do. It was as simple as that.

Since that day, I followed through on those things, and I feel like the inital results were GOOD. So, so good.

Of course, to even the score in the world, I have also felt more than enough emotions to verify my existence as a female...as if that were even in question. Welcome to the over-analyzing female brain.

But just right now, in this moment, I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows exactly what needs to happen, and when, and allows us to work through these things. Sometimes with only him, and sometimes with other people around us.

It will all be worth it...so they say. And watching dear President Monson bid farewell to his stalwart, supportive sweetheart, and share it with so many people all around the world made me all the more certain this dating thing isn't so bad. That it is worth it, and that patience and humility, of all the virtues...are what I value most right now. No matter what else happens.

“Humility is selfless, not selfish. It doesn’t demand its own way or speak with moral superiority. Instead, humility answers softly and listens kindly for understanding, not vindication. Humility recognizes that no one can change someone else, but with faith, effort, and the help of God, we can undergo our own mighty change of heart.  Experiencing the mighty change of heart causes us to treat others…with meekness.  Humility means (we) seek to bless, help, and lift…each other.” 

– L. Whitney Clayton

Learning to be led...when all I want is control.

It's incredible to me how my life can be so overflowing with blessings and love and contentment, and with one neatly placed satanic sucker-punch, my vision is distracted immediately to the impending and sometimes lingering, pain.

Heartache, discontentment, loss, frustration...you name it, it can easily feel as if these things are swallowing you whole.

And for me, my whole life, the answer to those things; the healing balm, has been my knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ...the whole of it. What it really means. That hearts can be healed, that answers can be found, that peace can take place again, and that unanswered questions are not the end of happiness. This knowledge has been my anchor.

Admittedly, however, I have taken these things somewhat for granted over different periods of my life. I have felt that urge to just do whatever I want, or to let go for just a minute...so the pressure doesn't feel quite so great. Those urges have never lasted long enough to change my mind, but they have done their passing damage along the way. But with each scar comes the opportunity for healing and an addition to my previously existing knowledge that God is real. That he hears me. That he knows me completely, including how to succor me, and most importantly, that he LOVES me. Even when I've let go. Of course it's always best to hold on, to never quit, to keep going no matter what. But I also know that God knows my strength can fail me sometimes.

That said, if I never gave up on God's ability to give me additional strength, or to listen to him when he gives me direction...if I wasn't so occasionally stubborn or tired or weak, or...human...well, I guess I'd be perfect. But I also know that's what I'm here to learn to become.

Last night, during a recording session for the Tabernacle Choir's new CD coming up later this year, I found myself praying and reflecting...a LOT...and every time we'd sing this particular hymn, this line felt like a powerful embrace, and it was so. needed. I found so much of my heart filled to overflowing with gratitude for the love and teaching I felt in those moments. So much of the depths of my heart this fills are because of the past month or so....

My brother suddenly went missing one day just a few weeks ago. Out of the blue. And the whole thing turned out to be a freak accident in the end, and he is all right now, and everything is okay. But...for seven horrifically long, blackest hole dark, heart-wrenching anguish-filled days, he was gone. With no explanation, and with no answers. It's like he just vanished. The horror of not knowing what has happened to someone you deeply love is something I never ever want to experience again, nor can I fathom how families or loved ones make it through years, decades, or even lifetimes without answers about their own loved ones. The idea that might be a reality for me or my family was a pain I couldn't even breathe through. I remember coming home one of those nights, after doing my best to be brave and do everything I needed to do (work, rehearsal, drive on the freeway, eat four bites of a sandwich before it turned to sawdust in my mouth, put on makeup, decide to wash it off, shower, wear deodorant, brush my teeth, stop crying...) and just dropping everything on my bedroom floor and collapsing in pain and just literally wept. I was trying to get the pain OUT. And I prayed and prayed. Eventually, I ran out of tears. And my head was pounding. I felt the need to climb into the comfort of my bed, and did my best to sleep. I never really felt okay. I just felt help getting into my bed that night, and I remember thinking I wished I had a friend to just hug me while I slept. Eventually I fell asleep, and got up the next day and did it all again. I was surrounded by friends and loved ones who were doing everything they could to help, or even just pray...but all I could think about was my little brother who could be out there somewhere all alone, with no one to help or turn to. I knew God knew where he was, but I also knew my brother wasn't all that into religion. I just ached for him. The day he was found was the happiest I can remember in a long, long time. And it wasn't too long after my family closed the fast we had been having to know of his safety. A reminder to trust God? Without a doubt.

The other experience has been just recently. I met someone. He's unlike anyone I've ever spent a lot of time with before. I find him completely fascinating. He's funny and smart and from the second I met him, I liked him. He's not bad on the eyes, either. He made me nervous; the good kind...the butterflies in your stomach kind of nervous. But he was also somewhat closed off...which I later found out comes in part from going through his own kind of recent heartache. I don't know all the details, and for these intents and purposes, they don't matter so much, except...I found myself relating to his heartache, and yet wondering how he coped. He doesn't share any of my beliefs, except acknowledging that there is a God. But in all our conversations, I'm still not sure how he feels about God. As I've spent more time with this man, I've encountered a LOT of questions. "Why do you do this? Why do you not do that? That's ridiculous. That's interesting. That's weird. That's great." Suddenly, questions I have always known and felt the truth of answers to my entire life, feel like they're hitting me in the face for the first time. I would find myself staring at his handsome face, and thinking..."Yeah...I know the answer here, but...hang on...I can't think of why that's the answer right now..." The ultimate frustration for me came when I felt my own resolve weakening, even just a little, and then afterward wishing I had been the perfect example of what I know is real, and true. Yet, through this whole experience, I have never questioned what I knew to be true, but...I have felt the challenge, and the struggle to hold on, to grasp, to really KNOW what I know. I have learned valuable things from this interaction, and also some difficult things. But the most pervasive thing I have felt is a desire to help him really understand what is available to him. Even though it is completely and utterly foreign to him. I never really pictured being interested in someone who did not share my personal religious beliefs, but for the first time in my life, I started wondering how that would ever work...even though that's not a bridge I need to cross right now. I can't shake this feeling that he is important. Maybe not to me personally and forevermore, but...I do know he's important to God. I'm just still working on being "ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you..." (1 Peter 3:15). And knowing also, that we each have our agency, and that is ALSO given to us from a loving Heavenly Father. Being willing to allow him to disagree with me, even if I know it's true. Try that on for size when you think the man standing in front of you is pretty incredible, in spite of your differences...vast as they may be.

These are both very different experiences, but both have led me to build my faith my God. To make my foundation of faith even stronger than it was...because clearly, life will require much. much. more. I need more faith. More resolve. More trust, in my Heavenly Father, who I know is all powerful. My ability to grasp that with my finite mind can, at times, be my downfall. But learning to trust Him over and over again after each time...has also been my strength. It just might be something I'm doing every day for the rest of my life...holding on, and trusting him to lead me and care for me. But I'm also trying to be patient and content with the realization that this all comes one step at a time.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene-one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou

Shouldst lead me on.

I loved to choose and see my path; but now,

Lead thou me on!

I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,

Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still

Will lead me on

O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till

The night is gone.

And with the morn those angel faces smile,

Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Flaws upon your sleeve...

We all know I need to blog because I'm behind on everything important in life.

Now that's out of the way, all I have time to say today is this:

You're welcome for multiple things, the least being a new song, his voice, and his accent.

Perfect for Mondays when I left my phone at home, and work decided to explode, and maybe my dating life keeps me guessing more than I'd like.

But none of that matters because...well...I can just play the song again. :)

"Flaws"

When all of your flaws and all of my flaws

Are laid out one by one

A wonderful part of the mess that we made

We pick ourselves undone

All of your flaws and all of my flaws

They lie there hand in hand

Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned

They pass from man to man

There's a hole in my soul

I can't fill it I can't fill it

There's a hole in my soul

Can you fill it? Can you fill it?

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground

Dig them up; let's finish what we've started

Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned

All of your flaws and all of my flaws,

When they have been exhumed

We'll see that we need them to be who we are

Without them we'd be doomed

There's a hole in my soul

I can't fill it I can't fill it

There's a hole in my soul

Can you fill it? Can you fill it?

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground

Dig them up; let's finish what we've started

Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned

Oooooh

Oooooh

When all of your flaws

And all of my flaws are counted

When all of your flaws

And all of my flaws are counted

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground

Dig them up. Let's finish what we've started

Dig them up. So nothing's left unturned

Oooooh

Oooooh

All of your flaws and all of my flaws

Are laid out one by one

Look at the wonderful mess that we made

We pick ourselves undone