Sunday, August 15, 2010
My blogsite has shifted. I'm no longer using blogspot. I'm moving on to tumblr now.
Scribbled
12:09 AM
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Forgive and forget… this is a popular line used by lots of people especially when giving advice, but it’s not one that is easily followed.
Forgiving someone who has done something hurtful and bad to us is not easy. But it usually can be done, though it may require some time. Even though we’ve forgiven someone for the wrong they’ve done..., we can never really forget, at least not completely. Our mind can be sharp when it comes to these things. Especially if someone has hurt us BIG time. We can never really forget the pain and the fact that it has happened to us.
What’s the difference between forgiving and forgetting, anyway? If you’ve forgiven someone, doesn’t it automatically mean that you’re willing to forget everything that happened? What does forgiveness entail? Forgiveness is a process and it may take a long time, some even take forever before the resentment and the anger subsides. Forgiveness means that you choose not to punish that person because of what that person has done to you. But giving forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to forget.
It’s not a matter of holding a grudge, it’s just that once the damage has been done, it can never be undone. It can be improved and healed, yes, but it can never be undone. In other words, you can forgive the person, but you can’t forget what they did. It will stay with you forever, but what changes is how you deal with your emotions. Over time, the pain, disappointment and anger may diminish. It will come to a point wherein it becomes just a distant thought with no more emotional impact. Nevertheless, it will enter your mind… someday, you’ll look back… especially during the times in your life when you’re forced to recall it. But then you’re in control. Because it doesn’t affect you like it used to. And this is when you can say that you’re stronger, because of what you’ve been through and because of what you had to endure.
That’s why I can say that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with remembering.
Scribbled
5:12 PM
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Go ahead! Use me more! Suck every bit of sanity from me! All I'm trying to do is to be a good friend. All you want is to freaking use me! What the bloody hell is your freaking problem! Do you want to explain yourself! Why you stood there with all your friends laughing and having fun! Did you not think I wouldn't find out! I think we're done. Over. You always have to screw my life by using me. Why?! Am I that soft hearted that you want to walk all over me?! What the hell is going on with you?! I MEAN NOTHING TO YOU ANYMORE RIGHT?!!
Scribbled
11:23 PM
Monday, July 26, 2010
I don't get it. Some times, things are so easy to get through. Then the next moment, I feel so insecure. I feel that there's no point in fighting on because my future is just so insecure. I don't get it why life has just got to be like this. Why does life have to be this bad? You know, I don't feel like doing anything. I don't even know who I am. I guess I'm just not supposed to know. I don't even know what to do.
Scribbled
9:45 PM
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
It doesn't matter how many good things happen during the day. Every night ends in disaster.
Scribbled
10:32 PM
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Where is the you that I used to know? I remember that you used to be a charmed young lady that always had been gentle and never shown much anger. Things have changed so much now. You don't share much with me. You don't show me that I'm important. You don't give a damn about me anymore. I'm no longer significant. Sometimes, I feel like letting you go. Cause I really can't help you in this manner. But I can't bring myself to do that. I want to be there when you need me to. But like a friend told me, you can't always compromise and give all the time. What happens if you give so much that one day, you just can't give anymore? A relationship has to be a two way thing. I give and you give. It makes the relationship balanced. I don't know what to do regarding you. Maybe I should just let go. I don't know.
Scribbled
10:13 PM
I feel I don't know you anymore. I feel like giving up. I don't know if that's the right thing to do. Where's that girl that I used to know? What happened to you?
Scribbled
8:53 PM
Monday, July 19, 2010
There are times I stumble
And I'm up against the wall
I can't walk through this life on my own
Holding onto nothing
And searching for more
I don't need anything else in this world
You say that you love me always and forever
You say that you love me and I know I will never
Deserve all the love that you show
It's the light that is guiding me home
I feel stronger in Your presence
And safe in your hands
Even though i'm oceans away
I'll take the life you've given me
And I'll live it again
It's grace that defines who I am.
You say that you love me always and forever
You say that you love me and I know I will never
Deserve all the love that you show
It's the light that is guiding me home
I'm finding my way back to your shores
Where there's safety and shelter from the storms
And it's here that you're waiting for me
With another chance to...
Say that you love me always and forever
Say that you love me and I know I will never
Deserve all the love that you show
It's the light that is guiding me home
It's the light that is guiding me home
Scribbled
4:22 PM
Saturday, July 17, 2010
People walk in and out of my life. Some make an impact, some don't. Some help me with my walk. Some offer words of advice and move on. I appreciate all those that have helped me. Every step I take requires an enormous amount of strength. It's difficult to walk on. I'm not sure how I managed to go on so far. I wish life were a little easier. It would make all the difference. If wishes could only come true more often.
Scribbled
6:29 PM
Friday, July 16, 2010
So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in
Drop dead
A bullet to my head
Your words are like a gun in hand
Can't change the state of the nation
We just need some motivation
These eyes
Have seen no conviction
Just lies and more contradiction
So tell me what would you say
I'd say it's time
too late
So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in
Ignorance
And understanding
We're the first ones to jump in line
Outta step for what we believe in
But who's left to stop the bleeding
How far
Will we take this
It's not hard to see through the fakeness
So tell me what would you say
I'd say it's time
too late
So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in
This can't last forever
Time won't make things better
I feel so alone
Can't help ourselves
And no one knows
That this is its worthless so tell me
What have we done
We're in a war that can't be won
This can't be real
I don't know what to feel
So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
Can't find hope to believe in
So am I still waiting
For this world to stop hating
Can't find a good reason
For this world to believe
Scribbled
8:43 PM
I remember there used to be a time when things were so different. Happy moments filled the days and sorrow was kept at bay. But now, things have changed so much. Sorrow is what fills my heart. Every footstep is a pain to take. Every dream turned nightmare. Every moment filled with sadness. I question myself, is there still hope? Is there a chance that things will take a turn for the better? I don't know the answers to them. Perhaps there will be a day that things will be better again.
Scribbled
4:56 PM
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I don't get it. I trust in God. I believe in Him but yet I I've the worst life ever. Gosh. What did I do wrong? My grades are nonsense, school is turning against me. My brother who does not believe in God gets treated better by my mum. My heart feels like it's going to fail. I lose important stuff. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG?! ARGH! What the hell is wrong? Does being a Christian means that I'll be subjected to a bad life? I don't know man. How much more does God want my face to be shoved in the dirt? How much deeper? I can't take it anymore. My body is tearing apart. No one understands me. I've got no one to turn to when I need to talk to someone. What the hell is going on?
Scribbled
6:59 PM
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Scribbled
6:47 PM
This is what you call life.
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6:44 PM
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6:43 PM
"The masculinity of the woman and the femininity of the man are inferior, and it is regrettable that the full value of their personalities should be contaminated by something that is less valuable. On the other hand, the shadow belongs to the wholeness of the personality: the strong man must somewhere be weak, somewhere the clever man must be stupid, otherwise he is too good to be true and falls back on pose and bluff. Is it not an old truth that woman loves the weaknesses of the strong man more than his strength, and the stupidity of the clever man more than his cleverness ?"
Carl Jung
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6:42 PM
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6:40 PM
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6:39 PM
"Somehow she knew that you didn’t get many moments like this in your life: moments when you knew, without any doubt, that you were alive, when you felt the air in your lungs and the wet grass beneath your feet and the cotton on your skin; moments when you were completely in the present, when neither the past nor the future mattered."
Neil Gaiman
Scribbled
6:37 PM
If you want to know what a girl likes, go to her Facebook. If you want to know what she looks like, go to her Myspace. If you want to know what other people think of her, go to her Formspring. If you want to know where’s she’s at right now, go to her Twitter. But if you really want to get to know a girl, go to her Tumblr.
Scribbled
6:37 PM
The marriage ring is placed at the fourth finger from the thumb on your left hand because it’s the only finger that has a vein which is connected directly to your heart.
Scribbled
6:32 PM
"I’m sorry for a lot of things, but most of all that I never got the chance to tell you that, no matter what happens next, I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment I spent with you. And even though I keep fumbling for the right words, all I really wanted to say was thank you."
Scribbled
6:31 PM
You know what, being me isn't so awesome anymore. Life just has got to slam you in your face when you try to get up. Everything will slap your face continuously. I'm tired of living life like this already. I want to die. I'm SUPPOSED to be happy today but guess what, my mum screwed my day for me. The woman had to nag and scold me. Like my life isn't screwed up enough for her. Gosh. You know what, I'll just enjoy to die now. I hate living life. Why can't there be more good things? The ratio of good to bad things is like 1:20. The good things are just so minimal. Why can't I have more good things? I don't freaking get it. I hate those short phone calls. I hate the attitude of those parents. I hate the way I have to live my life so secretly. I hate it that when I go to church, I'm afraid I'll see those parents. I just want to have a good friend that I can sit beside and pour my heart and eyes out. Is that so much to ask?
Scribbled
5:04 PM
Sunday, July 11, 2010
How am I supposed to live when there's nothing worth fighting for and I can't even talk to my best friend without thinking about the bad past memories?
Scribbled
9:41 PM
I don't know how I'm going to survive through the day. I'm already feeling like I can die. I hope there's a chance we can sit down and talk. There are just too many things going on. I don't even know if I can make the right decisions now. It's just way too tough. I don't think I'm going to emo. I don't feel emo-ish lately. I just want to sit down and cry. There's just so many things to cry about. Maybe God really has left me alone. I don't know. If He has, then I think I'm going to die. I can't take the pressure of life. It's building on me like crazy. You know what, no one understands me. Like no dang person.
Am I such a different guy from others? Is it because I can relate well with girls that it defines my personality so much that guys don't understand me? I don't get it. People never understand me. I don't know why I'm so different. Why am I always the odd one everywhere? Am I really that different? Gosh. I seriously want to know!
Scribbled
2:42 PM
Friday, July 9, 2010
Gosh. Why is it that wherever I go, I have to think of you and I see you? It's so damn annoying. I'm already trying to let go of the past times that you have hurt me day after day but guess what, I just can't freaking do it! I don't know why. I always can let go of you. I can't, it's just too hard. You always have to be on my mind. I think I'm the most naive person to be cheated by you and yet still remain there for you. I'm kinda breaking down already man. I don't know how I'll survive through tomorrow. It's going to be a pain and torture camp. I just...I just can't go through this anymore! It's just too much for my heart to take it! Dang it! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.
Sigh. Things just change so quickly. I don't know what to say now. I really......don't. Sigh. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Scribbled
10:32 PM
Scribbled
10:08 PM
Sigh. One week down, a few dozen more to live through. It kinda just sucks to be like this. When will life ever get better? I mean like there is just so much fun things to do but there's just no time. Life sucks right now and it's going to suck even more when I grow up. The cost of living is going to shoot up like crazy and well, my studies are like crap now. Who knows how I'll be like when I grow up. Maybe I won't have to live through all this crap. This stupid damn crap. Gah. I'm seriously hating myself. Dang rehearsals everyday and I have 2 rehearsals tomorrow. I'll probably die during my break. I'll be a walking zombie.
Scribbled
10:04 PM
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sigh. I'm so not okay right now. Why out of all the people I know, I have to like you? You're jut causing me a heartache cause I don't want to like you. You may be my type but no, I just CANNOT like you.
Scribbled
5:03 PM
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Santa lives at the North Pole. JESUS is everywhere.
Santa rides in a sleigh. JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.
Santa comes but once a year. JESUS is an ever present help.
Santa fills your stockings with goodies. JESUS supplies all your needs.
Santa comes down your chimney uninvited. JESUS stands at your door and knocks, and then enters your heart.
You have to wait in line to see Santa. JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.
Santa lets you sit on his lap. JESUS lets you rest in His arms.
Santa doesn’t know your name, all he can say is “Hi little boy or girl,what’s your name?” JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.
Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly. JESUS has a heart full of love.
All Santa can offer is HO HO HO! JESUS offers health, help and hope.
While Santa says “You better not cry”. JESUS says “Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.”
Santa’s little helpers make toys. JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.
While Santa puts gifts under your tree. JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.
Its obvious there is really no comparison. We need to remember WHO CHRISTmas is all about.
We need to put CHRIST back in CHRISTmas. JESUS is still the reason for the season.
Yes, JESUS is better, He is even better than Santa Claus.
Scribbled
6:06 PM
Every girl needs a man; the kind that will treat you right as well as others; the kind that has enough respect for himself, family, and others; the one that will change for you to just be with you. The kind that searches for you with his heart, the kind that can be trusted alone with a room full of many other beautiful ladies, the kind that won’t cheat on you cause he knows he’s got all he wants and needs already, the kind that’s willing to be your friend and lover, the kind that doesn’t mind calling early in the morning to say good morning and late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning and tell you a good night story or talk to you until you fall asleep. That kind that will do anything for you, even if it’s just to buy your favorite kind of candy. The kind that will defend and fight for you, the kind that won’t ditch you for his friends when you need him the most, the kind that won’t leave you lonely and wondering. The kind that isn’t afraid to smile to his friends every time you’re around and tell them, “She’s the one.” The kind that appreciates you for the things to do for him, even if they’re small gestures. The kind that actually thanks you for the little love notes you leave him, the kind that is willing to wait for you when you’re falling behind, the kind that will actually open the door for you, take you out on dates once in a while and buy you flowers cause it’s a Wednesday. The kind that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him, the kind that reminds you that he loves you and that he’s happy with you in case you forget. The kind that kisses your forehead when you’re down, the kid that tells you to be strong and not to cry, the kind that will go through think and thin with, and for you, the kind that just loves you for who you are. That kind of man, that’s the kind you keep.
Scribbled
6:03 PM
HANDBOOK 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray and read your Bible daily.
6. Play more games .
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do it. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.
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6:03 PM
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5:57 PM
It’s not that easy to win over a girl’s heart. You can’t just look into her eyes and say ‘I love you’ and think she’ll instantly fall in love with you. You have to get to know her and show that you love her just the way she is. You have to be able to handle her when she’s mad, comfort her when she’s sad, and leave her be when she’s feeling independent. You don’t have to buy her the most expensive gifts all the time; as long as you mean everything you say and keep all the promises you make, you’ll be okay. So don’t rush things, take your time. and when you finally do tell her that you love her, make sure you truly mean it. Because chances are she needs another broken heart like you need a hole in the head.
Scribbled
5:42 PM
"You don’t realise how many thoughts I have racing around my head at a time. You don’t realise how many thoughts aren’t said aloud, how many wishes weren’t carried out, how many actions weren’t put into action, how many times I’ve restrained myself. And sometimes it was exactly what I wanted. Sometimes I just say to my thoughts to just calm down, stop overreacting, stop overanalysing everything. And just live."
Scribbled
5:39 PM
"It’s crazy, right? to love someone who’s hurt you? It’s crazier to think that someone who hurts you loves you."
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5:38 PM
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5:15 PM
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Back to blogging after so long. Sigh. School is starting tomorrow. I don't think I can take the pressure school has to offer. I mean, school teaches irrelevant subjects that I won't even take in sec3. Can't I just have those periods swapped to something I'll actually enjoy learning? Damn it man. I hate school. I want to study but not the way school has to offer it.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
8:55 PM
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wow. When will this ever stop? You always promise me you'll tell me something but someone comes along and promises you not to tell others. Shouldn't I know? I mean after all, I've been so close to you for so long and yet you just forgot the promise? Are you trying to tell me I'm no longer important to you anymore?! What is it man! I'm getting hurt more and more by you every day just because I'm tactful. I can't go on like this man...ARGH! I still cannot believe I was freaking used by you during the whole darn camp. I sacrificed my time at Starbucks and at the mosque so you can find him?! Are you trying to kill me?! I can't believe it man! You used me and I didn't even know! What in the freaking hell is going on! So he smiles and says thanks when I deliver your message. I thought it was genuine thanks. Pfft! That's bs! He was just smiling because the person he loves sent him a message! Wow. For once can you start treating me like a brother and not a bloody damn plaster already?! I delivered you message because I thought you cared for him. Yeah, I am stupid and naive to be deceived by you all the time. Maybe I should just tell you this. Let you feel my anguish and pain and hurt you have caused. I try to be a good brother and all I get is to be cheated and lied to over and over again. I don't know how my heart has managed to take in all this but I know that it's gonna break soon and break really, really badly.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
11:22 PM
Screw this already! If you want a boyfriend this badly then go! Go and get him. All I'm trying to do is to protect you but if you want to suffer another heartbreak and cause everyone around you more pain then be that selfish person. I am already going out of my way to make sure that you're safe. If you don't want to listen to me then fine. Go date for all I freaking care! Yeahh, as if you're going to treat me as your brother when you're seeing him. He will constantly be on your mind and what will I be to you? NOTHING MORE THAN A BIGGER PLASTER! I don't know how I'm gonna survive through Saturday and sunday. Maybe I won't then I just freaking die so I won't be a pest in your life anymore. No one ever understands me. I don't know who else to turn to anymore. I'm always being used or hurt by you. And you don't give a damn shit about how I feel. You think it's easy being in my position? Gosh. Just do whatever you want. Don't come looking for me if you have a breakup.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
9:06 AM
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Every night ends with sorrow and hurt. I am not free from it for a single night. There's always something that screws up my nights. My sleep is horrid. I can't sleep in peace. Bad dreams, constantly waking up, these just keep happening. I can't sleep, nor can I find the strength to press on anymore. God, help me. Don't forsake me now when every thing is so screwed up. Give me the strength to carry on living. I can't walk like this every day. I just don't have the strength or feel Your love anymore. I feel empty, lonely like a forsaken mindless being wandering the face of the earth. HELP ME GOD...
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
7:31 PM
Monday, June 21, 2010
To my dearest sister,
I know you're never going to read this but I want you to know that when you enter a relationship with another guy, everyone's lives will change. His parents' lives will change. Your parents' lives will change. Your sister's and his sister's' life will change. My life will change. When you get into a relationship, lives are changed simultaneously whether you like it or not.
As your brother, I want you to know that I love you and care for you. I want to guide you through this so you'll have a great husband and a blissful marriage together. That's all I ask for: to see you happy. If I have to give up an arm or a leg so you can be with the one you love, I'll do that. I'm gonna be here for you whenever you need me.
I don't care about the times you have neglected me when I needed help the most. I dont care about the times you made me pissed or sad or hurt. I can throw those aside now. I just need you safe from the harmful effects of relationships.
I'm gonna miss being your brother cause once you've gotten married, I will no longer be significant to you. I know its gonna hurt me loads but I'll just wait for a wife.
So once again, my little sister, I'm gonna have a sleepless night. Hopefully it'll be meaningful this time.
On the closing note, I'm going to keep you in prayer and I pray God will show you the right path to take. Be strong. I'll always be here for you and I'll never leave you behind.
Love,
Your brother
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
10:00 PM
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Every night ends in a disaster. Why does it have to be this way?
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
9:39 PM
Sometimes I really wonder why I care for you so much. One moment I'm pissed at you but when you come over to talk to me, I just feel that I shouldn't be pissed. Maybe it's that simple prayer I prayed. I don't know.
When you need me, I'm always there. Ready to sacrifice my time (and security) just to make sure that you're okay. I don't know if that's the smart or stupid thing to do.
I really do care for you like a sister. You mean alot to me but sometimes, I just want to talk to you alone. I hope that isn't an unreasonable request. Man, with a headache, I can't believe that I'm actually still fighting on to wait and ensure you're okay. I don't know how I manage to do this but I'm still pushing myself to stay alert for your text. Sometimes I do wonder why you are my godsister. It's really strange don't you think? If I remember correctly, we're godsiblings after say a month of talking? I don't even know how it turns out like this.
Hmmm. Sometimes I just wish that you would treat me more like a brother because you leave me just like that and I don't know what to make out of it. It's only when I decided to go to you to make sure you're okay that you don't walk away anymore.
Gosh. I'm starting to feel hurt again.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
4:26 PM
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Okay. Now I know you lied. You could text after all. Just not to me. I know. I'm not a spy for nothing. Remember that.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
5:33 PM
Yeah. As if you treat me like a sibling. Total bs cause when he's around, I'm nothing to you. I'm just another guy in your life. No significance whatsoever. You don't realize it but I have already told you that you don't treat me like a brother. All I am to you is a plaster. Yeah. Only find me when you need help with something. Otherwise I'm nothing to you. I'm not important to you, I know. You said you couldn't text but guess what? You used your phone for him. Doesn't that tell you something important? Perhaps you'll never know it. I feel like giving up on you. You just hurt me every single time yet you never realise it.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
2:22 PM
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A broken heart lies in pieces. It finds itself in a mess. There's no way it can be mended. What am I supposed to do? You tore my heart and I'm supposed to live with it. I'm tired already. If your sister or other close guy friend asks me why I'm not okay on Saturday, I'm not gonna reply. I probably would on normal circumstances but not this time. This time it's my limits. You pushed too far already. I'm hurting. Yeah I'm crying typing this but do you care? Obviously not because that guy is your passion. I'm just your pet. Who knew it would turn out like this. How am I supposed to sleep with the hurt you've caused? How am I supposed to let go? Things have changed within 2 years. I know I have. People don't understand me. No one does because I think differently. I have a completely different view on love and relationships as compared to other people.
Gift or a curse? You decide.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
11:15 PM
WOW. So now I know. Now I see. You had to lie to me all along didn't you. WHAT THE FREAKING HELL! It's freaking painful, you know. I'm gonna emo and you can't stop me. It's the end of the road. YOU made this happen. YOU! You think this is all a game, don't you?
Freak your idea that no one appreciates you. No one appreciates me and no one cares how I feel. I'm a damn plaster for you. You find me when you need help then ditch me when you're okay. I thought I had been doing the right thing. Turns out it isn't true. I've been lied, tricked, duped, etc. And all you do is sit on your ass and do nothing.
Took my heart, tore it apart. Threw it along the sidewalk and walked away.
If life is like that because of what he did to you, then I should die.
You've changed alot since I first met you.
Now I don't know what you've become.
I make many sacrifices for you.
You do nothing about it.
I'm gonna cry.
Leave me.
Go.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
2:47 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
GAH. My mind is killing me. :( It's a torture to live through a day without thinking alot. Why can't I just be able to relax and not think about it. WHY? It's so bad I wanna die. I just can't go on thinking about this...I would like to just be free but I can't. I feel that there's something about this that I have to learn..but what?! Gosh. I thinking I'm going mad. Deranged and hallucinating. Why can't this moment be easier.
To you: My mind is stressing up. If there's any way which you can help me, please do it fast. I need you to tell me the truth. Every day is a torture. I can't take it anymore.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
7:22 PM
Monday, June 14, 2010
Scribbling again... I don't know what I should do. The whole darn world feels so weird. I feel like hidingin a corner, crying it al out. I mean, the situation is so die but yet I feel helpless. My body doesn't know what to do and it refuses to find a way out. What the hell is wrong with me? I should get this through. I NEED TO.
I'm always thinking of what to do. Maybe it isn't right to think. Maybe I should just rely on trust. Why does it seem so weird now? It was okay last time but why now? It's killing me more and more as the days go by.
It's one of the greatest mysteries and problem I can't solve. It has four letters. I think we all know it. It's love. Even I can only help people to a certain extent but when it comes to me, I feel helpless. I don't know how to trouble-shoot the errors and it's just so tough making the right decisions. If any one bothers to read this, remember this: Love is only for those that are truely committed. Otherwise, the relationship will only end up in a disaster.
I can help everyone who bothers to drop me an email. I am kinda experienced in love issues but ya, as I've said, I can't help myself. So if any one actually READ this, good for you. You know you can find me and I never reveal any details about your problems unless I've asked you.
Sigh. I'm feeling so shack now. My mind is tired of analysing things but I just can't help it. Signing off here. Feeling shack. Darn head is kiling me. I think I might blog again tomorrow.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
5:00 PM
I don't know what to do. I feel so stuck. Why out of all people it has to be you? I just feel so scared. I don't know if God really mean that we should be together. I don't feel secure. If we really are meant to be together shouldn't we feel secure in God? I know it's against all odds we'll be together so I think it's true that we won't be together. I mean, after all, we can't like each other more than friends. It just wouldn't make sense.
I don't know how to control my emotions anymore. After helping dozens of people, I can't help myself now. I don't feel that my future is secure. It seems so vague. Could it be because I'm thinking too far ahead into the future? I don't know. God, help me know what to do. Teach me what to do. I want to know Your will for me.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
1:14 PM
Friday, June 11, 2010
ARGH. Like seriously, every time I have to compromise for you. I mean, don't you understand that I get hurt so much whenever I compromise and you just nonchalantly tell me you can't compromise? That's just screwed man. Like seriously. I finally had the strength to forgive you yesterday and now you just made me feel hurt all over again. I'm getting very tired already. Why can't you just understand? That's all I want. I don't need you to do great and wonderful things. I just want to be understood. Is it that difficult for people to understand who I am for what I am? I don't know anymore. I feel like giving up. I don't have the strength left in me to keep going.
Carpe diem is hard to achieve. I want it to happen but it's so impossible. I've set those 3 dreams down. Now it's time to work towards it with strength that I do not possess.
The signs were there. I read them but I didn't see the importance in them. How foolish was I not to think about them. Now I got to compromise again. Just think about the number of times I have to compromise. It's starting to eat into me. My life is getting screwed. I'm getting drained. I don't know what to pray about. You probably won't know this cause you don't see this blog at all. My mind is hurting typing this post, my heart is killing me. I'm getting so troubled now that I want to just die.
Some times I wish I could just be better at more things. Like people are passionate about music and their parents support them for it. My parents? They just focus on work, study and work. Telling them I want to pursue my passion for electric guitar is like impossble. They'll never agree to it cause they think my grades are sucky and I don't study hard enough. They don't give a damn about my feelings.
I don't know anymore. I should just sleep. Forget about everything and just focus on God and the commitment I made, if I can focus, that is.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
8:48 PM
It's been a long time since I've blogged. I was away at camp and there was no internet over there. I'm kinda feeling happy now that I get to come back and spend time with my closest friend. It's been a long time since I've talked to you. Missing you alot.
With that, my heart feels heavy. Like something is weighing it down greatly. I mean like, there has got to be something wrong, right? I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe because I'm just so not good enough for this world I just want to fade away. Maybe I want to just spend time with certain people forever and never have to face troubles. I don't know. I want to know. There are just so many things that I want to know.
I feel so shack typing this. It's not physical tiredness. It's more of an emotional tiredness. I'm feeling so depressed and drained and I don't feel like going for my holidays tomorrow. Why can't I have some things my way?? Why can't I have a talent that people can look up to? Why do I always have to be the weird one? I just don't get it. I dont know man...I really am starting to get lost...
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
7:33 PM
Monday, June 7, 2010
It's going to be a brand new day tomorrow. I'll miss you. I know that. I probably won't talk to you much and its always a pain to see you having so much fun with others and I can never have the same fun with you. I wish I could spend more time with you but with the current circumstances, I doubt it'll never happen. I just need some time with you. Laugh with you, play with you. It's never gonna happen because times have changed and it'll never be the same.
I wonder some times what God plans to do in my life. Maybe I'll grow up and I'll need to open up to another person and that person I'll marry. But truth is, I hate opening up to people. There just are so many people that I don't trust with my inner most secrets. I want a good spouse, God. I want one that You think will really benefit me the most.
You know, I think I shouldn't tell you alot of things, because you don't. You always make me say what happen but whenever I ask you the same question, you don't tell me anything. I'm kinda hurt. I cried for 2hours late at night because of it. You always seem to be so unfair to me. Is it because of what my brother did to you that's why you are doing the same thing back to me? I don't know anymore. If I'm really such a burden to you then I don't know what to do. I don't understand why do I always have to give in to you. Why? Tell me, please.
You don't seem to care about me alot. You just treat me as if I'm just another friend to you. It's beginning to eat into me. I'm not okay. Everyday you see me looking fine but I tell you now, I'm not. There are a whole lot of things running through my mind. It's difficult to live with a mind that constantly eats you. Maybe if you ever had a chance at reading this, you'll begin to understand my inmost feelings. Whether or not anything changes is a whole new thing.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
5:03 PM
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Maybe you haven't noticed but people like you more than me. I'm usually with you and when other people join, I always feel like walking away. You know why? Think about yesterday. Who were you with? I bet you didn't know that she never wanted me to come. I came and was a calefare because she wanted to share her problems with you. I was extra. Didn't you hear her tone and yours? I tested it. You guys just don't like me. I get it. Why not stick to messaging me next time and never hang out with me in person again?
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
8:14 AM
Saturday, June 5, 2010
You know what? I think I've had enough. You think no one understands you. How about me? I'm worse. I can understand you but no one understands me. Why? Because I'm regarded as a gay in class. Because I have a more grown feminine side compared to others. You think it's enjoyable being me? Bloody hell no. If even you can't understand me? Who the hell am I supposed to turn to? I want you to just understand how I feel. It's good enough for me. I don't know what else to do. I can't tell you all these things because it'll be so insensitive. If I can't trust you, who else am I supposed to trust?
I tell you now, you can so easily shun off me complaining I don't have a talent because you have a talent! Unbelievable! If I'm born such a bloody loser than I might as well die. No bloody reason to live. I just want a talent that is beneficial and enjoyable. You have a talent for music. It's so much better than not having a talent.
I just want to know why doesn't anyone understand me. Why? Why can't you understand me? Is it because I'm too much of an ass to comprehend? I hate it whenever I have to compromise and you don't see the sacrifice I make. It's tough enough to be a guy. Worse still, having a more grown gentle side and I get used. I'm sure you know the pain I go through but do you understand that I'm actually getting hurt by YOU?! I'm tired of people always using me. I'm tired of making compromises but I tend to care for you so much. That's just who I am. Is it really that hard to comprehend? I know I don't open up easily but surely swith whatever I've told you, you understand what I'm going through?
I'm tired of always hiding my emotions but if this is the way I have to live then I'll do it. I'll make my whole damn life bloody miserable. I mean this. Even you will not be able to help me then. It's painful to live a life that I always have to make compromises for you. Because if I don't, I feel bad about leaving you alone.
I know you'll never read all these posts. It's okay with me. You are never supposed to read them because you never do what you said. You said you tell me everything. Yeah, rightt. You don't tell me alot of things. You can't deny that fact. I know I'm not the best guy in the world but of no one can appreciate me for who I am then I think I'll live a life of solitude. I won't give a shit about sex because it's not the right thing to do. I don't need a spouse to live life. I'll just spend time alone. I'll be ignored by people like how they don't like me now. Why? Cause I'm different from so many guys. Why won't people understand I'm not the same as most guys? Why can't they at least appreciate me?
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
11:53 PM
Friday, June 4, 2010
You know, life was never so simple. I just read your blog and it's quite impossible to let him cry on your shoulder. It'll never come to that because the problem lies within you. There is no peace in your heart nor forgiveness for the pain he caused you. You'll live a moment of an oxymoron if that ever happens.
I feel that I can't be the brother I used to be. I want to be one but I can't. I can no longer keep my emotions in check like I used to. I'm becoming too soft. But I don't want to be a hard-hearted person. I feel so troubled all the time. Sometimes it's God that doesn't answer. Most of the time, it lies within you. Yes you.
There are certain things that you don't understand about me. You don't understand that I'm not the same as you are. I don't have the same morals as you do. I don't have the same problems. I tell you now that i'm actually the type of guy that needs people. I can live in solitary. I've got no qualms with that but when I get out of the solitude, you will never know me like you used to.
I'm trying to change. That's for certain. I know some things will take forever and I can't go on any further. Even typing this is really, really painful. I just want to know why can't you understand me. Why do I have to make all the compromises? It's horrible you know. I cause myself to suffer so the relationship can go on. I have to do this because I care more about you than I care for myself. If I had to die for you, I'll do it. I'd rather you live and be happy than for me to watch you die.
It's not easy being a guy. There are many responsibilities I have to take up because you don't see them. You don't see what I've done to make the relationship much more pleasant. It's tough, you understand? I can't go on. My heart is aching. I need a cure. I need hope. I need God back in my life.
Labels: June 2010
Scribbled
11:40 PM