MOVED :D

oh darn. i just forgot my new address. erm.

http://dissimulatorsmasquerade.blogspot.com/ 

yupp

Hahaha can't believe I'm doing this when I should be doing homework / mugging for physics on friday gosh.

But my blog is really too dead to be true.

I AM MOVING WORLD! :)

Wait for the new blog :)

Just because I like to be annoying like that and spent time that should be spent snoozing in bed reading the link hemin sent me about edward, here I am!

It's quite funny though hahaha. All the random hoards of RGS girls hurrying to write stuff on his tagboard lol. It's entertaining! :D

As much as I love my fellow schoolmates, I have to admit that I VERY PERSONALLY FEEL, (just in case) that the little battle on the tagboard proves alot of things. Not a lack of intelligence, not a lack of willingness, just the difference in the way girls and guys tend to argue things? I think if put on a purely level playing field where both sides are calm and start having active discussions, it'd actually be fruitful. Just that we're (girls) held down by "behavioural constraints" -- I'm not saying that everyone has behavioural constraints, it's just something majority of the population display on varying degrees and some people may or may not be able to control it.

So there. I don't feel like using my mushed up brain anymore.

And frankly, while I think it's pretty cool that edward would post some of the views he holds (ie religion, and gender etc) online, I'd much prefer to keep my thoughts off the uncontrollable internet :) I know plenty of people in my school who would love to "burn me at the stake" (figuratively) for my views expressed in real life already :)

Peace out.

Bye guys! I'm going to hong kong :)

Will blog about whatever's been happening another time :) cya~

Omg. I'm up late doing philo because guess which intelligent person fell asleep when she was supposed to do it 298390213890x hours ago? Tsk.

Sigh. Thinking about things. I really really don't get it.

Hahaha (okay thats contradictory to my title, but i just had to laugh about how serious the title is)

Anyways, I decided to post about stuff in general.

RMUN presentations was okay, I think I screwed it up ah well. The people seemed nice, many delegations weren't here. I really do hope RMUN is muchmuchmuch better this year. I really want an enthu fun and bonded council! (or else what's the point?)

I'm not saying last year's RMUN wasn't enjoyable, it just wasn't that kind of enjoyable ya know? Sigh.
And then I'm trying to organise council outing and the enthu minority are really the minority. (except 2 i think)

BAH. I REALLY CANNOT STAND IT. (not that i can do anything about it)
(if rmun is boring i really will die, esp since HRC is so much bigger than SC, at least SC  is small and cozy lol)

And then the interesting people don't have the ability to sustain lengthy conversations (for various reasons), with the exception of ONE conversation on ONE day. sighhhh.

I really must stop listening to taylor swift, she has this stupid mainstream ability to make me feel emo.

Sigh but since i told zenzen about it i realised its really true. (I HAVE TERRIBLE CAPITALIZATION AND PUNCTUATION) okay but really. I really am bored to bits. all the time. Sigh. And then plus what jiaqi asked me really makes me want to reevaluate the whole thing.

Then debate is okay.

My grades are worrying me.

SIGH.

Not very amused am i?

According to my chinese teacher, by her definition I shouldn't have any of it should I?

Haha I really don't know what to say anymore.

Contrary to the title, I'm not giving up on the team or what not. I have full faith in them so there :D Clarification haha.

But somehow or other today just makes me realise alot of little things. Like how in JC I won't be able to spend time with the people i fought so hard to spend time with. How most likely I'll end up with certain people I don't like.

Or how I lack some very basic necessities (not food or water, just basic to me) and how everytime I think I've got it right, I always always always lose it. I mean there was (just to name a few examples no one would ever know about) Cherie, Amanda, Ilina?, Tessa, Sarah, Erica, and it is now getting too personal, coughcough.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. But I kind of do.

Okay fine. I do. But I've always said it, I don't want to craft myself to fit another. I want it to be a perfect fit at first try. And sometimes it seems to be, for that split second, and then it gets kinda itchy and it forces apart. It's always great. It never lasts long. And this is starting to sound sick for some odd reason. It's amazing how I can think about the fact that it sounds sick, even through my thought bubble.

But I think I'm reaching a point of my life where I've been so focused on this, that I've lost my other chances. I just can't do it all together can I? Oh man. The idea of the future as I see it is supremely bleak and not to my liking.

But then, nothing is.

If you're still following till now and don't get what I'm talking about till now, then I've fulfilled the point of this blogpost.

I don't want to let go, but if I don't, I'm afraid of losing everything.

I probably will anyways.

Life is so meaningless.

wherefore art thou?
(literally and figuratively)
(or if you want to put it, both as understood by the average person, and its true literary meaning.)

I really don't know how I feel, about this, that, everything, - you.

Sometimes I feel like I've almost convinced myself that it doesn't matter, that your obvious flaws are exactly what makes me agree with everyone else.

Yet on days like these, or the split seconds before I agree, I can only beg to differ. I can only feel the same initial rush, and the painful suppression.

I still can't decide on my intial impressions of you, so how can I decide on my perception of you?
(they are interlinked btw.)

Good job. I didn't feel like saying it though, and I still don't. Not that I could.

It doesn't matter does it? You don't care. You don't know. You never will.

Love,
Me. Just me.

Labels: regrets

You know what? Screw it. You think you're that much better? Do it without me.

Best of all? I'm going to make it hell for you.

I don't want to debate anymore.

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

I kind of want to talk about what's been happening recently but I guess I'll refer to it very broadly and vaguely to avoid pointing fingers at some people. Want I really want to talk about is how I feel about the whole situation and what my thoughts about the whole thing is like now.

So basically after the whole thing happened, while still remaining oblivious that it happened, some sort of interaction with the other people happened, and I can safely say that it was a pretty good kind of interaction, or at least for me. I felt invigorated? and kind of regretful to place so many stereotypes and preassumptions and hasty generalisations that some people were basically representative of certain characteristics despite having little or no interaction with them.

Somehow or other, no matter how "motivational speaker" it sounds, its really true. It made me re-inspect how I treat not just the people around me but also the people just lying on the peripheral.

So that's the good part of things.

Now to the not so good parts.

Basically after I first heard about the whole situation, I thought it was a very badly crafted (and belated) april's fools joke. I never believed that anyone would be as immoral and cruel to do such a thing. I mean like, I may be mean and blunt and ambitious, but I don't think anything on that sort of level would have ever crossed my mind. And to put it very bluntly, I really didn't believe it would happen.

But dwelling upon it made me realize how there was the incentive for both parties to do it, and how ultimately it would be difficult for them to be discovered (further incentive), and I seriously began to doubt myself.

Further probing and cross-referencing with other people confirmed it and hearing it from certain people whom I trust to a great extent further embalmed this idea. There's no words (yes it sounds dramatic) to describe how I felt at that point of time.

I felt betrayed (despite not being on close ties with them).
I felt very confused. (again, why would they do it? stupid question right)
I felt like the things I knew that were to be true were no longer true. (imagine being told all your life xxx is this but now it magically no longer is that. Well it's not that extreme, but some of the things I had shed tears over and blamed myself about seemed to have diminished in importance, and to some extent I felt cheated.)

I felt very indignant.

Basically I was thrown into confusion and revengeful. I was hurt, angry, and disappointed.

After (ALOT) of reasoning and such, the disappointment and resentment only served to increase when I realised how legalistic our society is. (kinda, some people at this point of time might point out that this is a generalization etc but that was how i felt) I felt very shocked that some people could stand on the side and refuse to do anything when such a morally repugnant act has been committed. I felt shunned and ignored.

Yeah. It sounds very dramatic, but that was how I felt. And you weren't in my shoes.

At this point of time, I still stand by my stance that we don't deserve it. I still feel morally indignant, angry, and vengeful.

But on a greater scale, I feel disappointed and let down by those people. I somehow or other feel that humanity is very cruel (though those people don't necessarily represent humanity) and that the fact that some people are willing to commit such acts, makes me, to quote a dear friend, "very sad".

I know that it's laughable that such an incident is magnified in my mind to such a "humanity is very cruel" extent, but to me, it's a very personal issue that will affect me and others around me for months to come. It will change our attitudes to other people and make us rethink our actions.

For me, I think I will find it difficult to believe in innocence again. At least for the time being. Especially after rethinking my impressions of them, now it only serves to reaffirm that I was correct, and that some people are just superficial like that.

Labels: breakaway, cheemology, rant, rgdebate, stressed, work

Aren't fairy tales very dubious?
Don't they utterly lie to little children about their happily ever after?

Snow White: Are you serious? Like after some random guy kisses you then she happily ever after marries him. -.- seriously. Isn't that like taking advantage of her or something O_O

Sleeping Beauty: Same thing. Some random kid kisses you and you somehow have to marry him? Not to mention that you're technically old enough to be his grandmother.... my gosh. so gross.

Rapunzel: She let's this random guy up to her tower and not to mention she's NEVER seen a guy before, and she thinks she loves him??

Beauty and the Beast: Fine I think this one isn't that bad. But abusive boyfriend much?

Little Mermaid: This guy is super superficial okay. Like he wants to marry her cuz she 'saved' him, then just because some other girl sounds like her he doesn't care what her personality is like okay, he just wants to marry her!!!! It doesn't matter that ariel has spent like a few days with him and they enjoyed themselves -.- Then suddenly when she gets her voice back he totally wants to marry her. -.-

Cinderella: So she has to be pretty to catch the prince's attention. And have small feet. damn, i knew the chinese were right!

sigh.

scary fact: my juniors stalk people
scary fact 2: they know things that people dont tell them. its so freaky!

interesting fact: the person at Tjs which looked really familiar (there were many people i thought i recognized lol. primary sch people, debaters, etc. the only difference is that im not the only one to recognize this person!) added me on facebook. but we have no (little) common friends! that totally tells me loads about where i met them. (besides at TJs)

bored fact: i procrastinate alot.

important fact: I STILL HAVENT FINISHED MY PRESENT ZOMG (but will i still need it?)

present fact: bye!

My post on the blog declares that i'm finally free!

Was back for a few days already, but then i've been pretty busy.

AND GLORIA IS ILL D: NOW D:

bah.

anyways. CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SOON! :D

Gloria thinks Lady Gaga sounds nice live, and this song apparently is a tribute to her dad's surgery thingy. O_O

coughcough its gloria's emo period again! coughcough get the pun?

anyways. so cue the expected emo post! :D

except i don't feel emo enough to post it anymore i think. wait. i shall cue play emo music. then i'll start blogging.

this is soul-cleansing you know. monthly bone crushing crying flushes out the more painful thoughts hiding in my head. fine i may not be the most unemotional person. but hey! imagine what I would be like if i didn't have my monthly sob. *shrugs*

Just for fun I shall also add the songs im listening to.

"Crush" - David Archuleta.

I can't find a better way to phrase it, but how I feel right now is kind of like how I find my rebuttals in debate. If I start second guessing something, I always recommend rethinking it through.

"Papercut" - Jordin Sparks

This is something I ALWAYS think about so there. I wonder about what would have happened if I wasn't so impulsive to start with. If I (we) had just waited. Would it have spared all the tears and insecurity?

"Breakin' At the Cracks" - Colbie Caillat

Oh shit. listening to emo songs is a BAD IDEA. i cant stop crying enough to post. OMG I CANT BREATHEE. D:

anyways. oh man i lost my thoughts.

NEXT ISSUE :D

"Littlest Things" - Lily Allen

Oh man, I'm going through songs faster than I am through my post. This sucks big time. Actually my whole blogpost is about almost the same thing I realised.

Basically I'm feeling pretty insecure about the whole thing now. As if I wasn't insecure enough. I don't like not knowing everything, yes control freak (UGLY TRUTH!). Which explains me sticking my nose into every little thing that happens around me. Because, I just.. MUST KNOW. gosh. so kaypo.

So anyways, back to topic. So everytime there's an indication of an exterior like out-of-my-circle kind of thing happening within us, I feel so anal to know about it. But I don't want to nag! So what happens? I wait. AND NOTHING HAPPENS. ITS SO ANNOYING. Actually I think this is less of me being kaypo but me wanting to be the centre of attention. Which is bad I guess. Not really. hmmm.

And I really hate it, because at that very moment (cue gloria's favourite emo question / quote / situation), I feel so very lonely despite being (surrounded by friends) or in this case, being there. THEN WHATS THE POINT OF BEING THERE IF IM FEELING LONELY. OBVIOUSLY IM THERE TO CURE MY BOREDOM / HAVE COMPANY RIGHT? urghhh. caps was very inappropriate. but im too sniffly to care now.

"Your Call" - Secondhand Serenade

Gah. I don't really want to say anything else right now. But the rest is about feeling inferior again. sigh.

tata!

Labels: emo

Okay, here's the REAL emo post.

It's difficult imagine life without, when all I remember is life with.

Sitting at my table listening to our songs, all I hear is your voice humming the tune in my ear.

Lying in bed, huddled under the blankets for warmth conjures up the protection of your arms.

Looking out of the window and at the sun calls to mind the brightness of sunflowers and purple roses.

And that's when I wonder how things have become what they are. Where has the magic gone?

I need a miracle.

"Falling for you" - Colbie Caillat.

Labels: emo

I feel so annoyed that some people just have to go and "clarify" things to suppress people's feelings of dissatisfaction. Seriously, if you don't like what they're talking about, and it's kinda your fault, then your fault la. There's no need to make it all public and everything. It reminds me so much of oppressive regimes where opposition opinion is suppressed.

It's not that I condone "rebellion" and dissatisfaction, but it's not like we're boycotting you right? We're just expressing disfeeling. Aren't we allowed to do so?

I can't let you steal it all from me.

Labels: annoying, rant

oh yay. exams ended.

its supposed to be a happy day okay.
fine i wasnt happy to begin with, but thats besides the point.

im extremely irritated/annoyed/disappointed at my parents.
especially my mom.

urgh. dont even get me started.
she just gave me this long rant about how i was rude / unappreciative of them / not working hard enough / anyhow spending my money, etc.

seriously. let me break all that down.

i know im rude to them, and thats wrong. so yeah i admit it. but thats because they keep doing things to annoy me. they dont give me privacy (my dad snoops in my room). they keep asking me whether im studying. seriously. STOP ASKING. but oh well. my fault. sorry!

being unappreciative of them is another thing. i appreciate them. they dont appreciate me. at all. they dont understand that i cant do math or science. or that i dont put effort into them because i'd rather work on my 强点 (chinese compre today!) rather than waste my time on my 弱点. they dont appreciate that compo writing (eng and ss) is like natural born / semi natural talent.

not working hard enough is just urghh. i do work hard. sometimes. i may not be putting all my effort, or as much as they want me to (they expect miracles. seriously) but i try. i've been trying more than i did for the last few papers. and i really really do want to do better. i want to prove that somewhere out there gloria can actually do better and not be some sort of useless listless thingy. AND ITS NOT MY FAULT I CRY. I DONT EVEN LIKE CRYING. IT PISSES ME OFF. I HATE FEELING OUT OF CONTROL. PEOPLE. STOP TELLING ME TO STOP CRYING. YOU THINK I LLIKE WALKING AROUND WITH A PINK FACE AND A BLOCKED NOSE?! YOU MAY, I DONT.

money thing is just retarded. my money. fullstop. you dont give me enough money. i pay for everything, my foolscap, pen, class photos, blahblah. I DIDNT EVEN GET A PROPER BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION. and plus they keep talking about how times have changed. TIMES HAVE CHANGED, THE HIERARCHY OF NEEDS IS DIFFERENT NOW.

so yeah.

pissoff.

Labels: rant, stressed

LIP BALM ADDICTION
myth or fact.

today while I was surfing the internet, i found out something very interesting.
There's a website dedicated to this page called: LIP BALM ANONYMOUS.

it sounds weird to some of you, but the word anonymous is usually used in groups of people who seek to overcome some sort of addiction. common examples include alcoholics anonymous, weight watchers anonymous, etc. (actually i dont know anymore)

so there.

before you throw away your lip balm, i just want to let you know HOW this thing happens.

firstly, its more of a mental problem than a physical one. its like some lipbalms have an ingredient that causes MORE drying, instead of soothing. so this drives YOU to apply more, thinking it'll help. and this turns into a cycle.

so just look at your lipbalm, and see if there are any ingredients like: phenol, lanolin, parabin.

or, if upon applying your lipbalm, you feel a tinge or a menthol feeling, its safer not to use it and perhaps switch to a different brand. if you really need lipbalm because your lips are prone to drying.

I personally use an organic lip balm that mostly contains ingredients like beeswax, jojoba, shea butter, and stuff like that. so i think thats safe.. right?

yeap. so thats all. :D

p.s. did you know your face absorbs things 13 times faster than your hands?

Labels: interesting

omg seriously.

ITS CONFIRMED.

the new generation seem to have misunderstood the whole concept of natural selection!

Now before you go and click on the pretty X on this window, LISTEN ME OUT.

The whole point of natural selection is to basically end up having babies that can survive the world better right? (better traits)

IT SEEMS LIKE PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO VIEW UGLY AS THE NEW “ATTRACTIVE”. My gosh. Their kids are so screwed. Seriously.

There are SO MANY. I repeat, SO MANY people out there, in today’s society (esp Singapore it seems) where individuals who really have very ugly features are supposedly attractive. (ie they have guys who like them etc.) its really very disappointing.

So you may ask me, WHO AM I TO DEFINE UGLY?

1.THEY HAVE DISPROPORTIONATE FEATURES
Im not going to mention names. I can safely say however that guys seem to LIKE girls who look distinctly male-ish. Like not even handsome women, (in olden times this meant strong features)

yes some of them have broad shoulders, strong bone structure, but that’s really alright. Whats NOT alright is when SOME OF THEM EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU (meaning they look POSTIVELY or is it negatively.. MALE)

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ATTRACTIVE? DO YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTERS TO LOOK LIKE MALES? AND ATTRACT ALL THE GAY MEN?? SERIOUSLY.


2. Some of them are excessive sluts / flirts
IS IT ATTRACTIVE TO FIND SOMEONE WHO CANT PRACTISE MONOGAMY? (sticking to one partner) imagine a day somewhere in the future where this girl gets PREGNANT. Oh boy oh boy.

ARE YOU EVEN SURE THAT’S YOUR KID? HOW IS THIS IN YOUR BEST ADVANTAGE TOWARDS BREEDING MORE CHILDREN IF YOU ARENT EVEN SURE IF THAT’S YOUR KID.


3. I really need to say this again. SOME OF THEM ARE REALLY UGLY. LIKE DISPROPORTIONATE UGLY.
SERIOUSLY. Guys! THESE PEOPLE HAVE LIKE UNEQUAL EYE SIZE, LUMPY CHINS, OR SOMETHING. Or like NON EXISTENT HIPS as well as OTHER assets. WHAT HAPPENED TO GOLDEN RATIO? Or BIRTHING HIPS? *facepalm*

HOW IS HEREDITARY OILY FACIAL GLANDS OR DRY HAIR SUPPOSED TO BE A FAVOURABLE TRAIT??? I imagine that in the stone age dry hair was suchhhhh a sin, imagine all the leaves that can get stuck there!

okay I mean its INNER beauty that counts. So EVEN IF WE DON’T COUNT THIS, HOW CAN WE IGNORE THE TREND OF FLIRTS/SLUTS/GIRLS (like Guy-gIRLS)

Sigh.

I know the world is going to end (apocalypse), or that by 2060 we’re going to run out of electricity and thus be largely unable to see each other, but do we really need to do this?

Labels: bored, cheemology, rant

Here's the song that has been echoing in my head throughout the whole of today! :D

i decided to search it in my itunes 0.0

haha.



i hate exams!