In Mint Condition

I'm sorry | Saturday, February 20 | 0 comments

If you were to read this, hello there.

Whatever I have wanted to say was all reflected in that long message I sent out.
I am sorry for always being a burden to you and at the same time, hurting you.

I love you, more than you'd ever know.
More than you'd ever would to me.

But I can't face you anymore. I don't know how to.
In your eyes, I'm nothing.
I've already embarrassed myself by letting it all out.

Please take care of yourself.
I hope all your issues will be settled.
May you always be protected by Allah and may he grant you happiness.

I love you.

Alhamdulillah | Friday, April 24 | 0 comments

For everything that has happened, Alhamdulillah.
For every single thing that has caused me happiness or sadness, Alhamdulillah.

For the people I've lost due to certain issues, Alhamdulillah as well because I believe there's a hikmah behind all these.

For all those who have hurt me, Alhamdulillah for you have made me stronger.

For all those who have made me happy, Alhamdullilah because my life is not as bleak.

But above all Alhamdulillah because Allah is still with me.

Don't desert me Ya Allah. Cos I know I won't desert you.

Perasaan | | 0 comments

Rindu dalam diam kerana tidak mahu merosakkan apa yang telah dibina selama ini.

Menyimpan perasan kerana itu yang mampu aku lakukan.

Tetapi sampai bila?

Yang bertahta di hati, jauh daripada aku.
Jikalau engkau tahu, persahabatan yang dibina ini akan musnah, dan itu bukanlah sesuatu yang aku inginkan.

Hati berteriak "beritahulah si dia!"
Tetapi hati juga berbisik "jangan, kau tidak layak untuk si dia"

Oleh itu, lantas hati menjadi gundah-gulana dibuatnya.

| Friday, October 17 | 0 comments

Every night, I will start to cry.
In the day, I'll pretend that everything's fine.

I think I'm bipolar or something.
I know I'm depressed.

There was one night I looked over the kitchen window and started to jump up to sit on the ledge.
I had suicidal thoughts.

I cut myself.
It's wrong I know. But I really cannot hide my pain.

My heart is broken really bad.
I keep on thinking that I want to just leave this world.

Everyday negative thoughts engulf me.
I picture the scandal between you and her.
Why are the both of you so mean to me?

I'm really desperate to the point of helplessness.
I realise that I don't just love you. I need you too.
I'm not in love with you. I just love you.

It's not a phase of puppy love.
I really do care and love you.

Even though the scandal happened, it didn't make me falter.
My feelings still stayed true.

Help me please.
I'm on the brink of exhaustion.
I can't keep up with this for long.
One day I might just..

Then maybe all will be fine after that.

| Monday, October 13 | 0 comments

So all these years, I fell in love with someone who was not committed to us in the first place.
So all these years, I fell in love with someone who could not accept my flaws and all.
So all these years, the care and concern that I gave him was not enough.
So all these years, the frequent sending for checkups Are all useless cos it was just me being stupid and caring.
So all these years, I fell in love with someone who used me as a part time stop.
So all these years, I fell in love with someone who just wanted to play with my feelings.

So for four years or close to five, I was involved in a one sided relationship.
What does that Thai girl have that I dont?
What does that plastic fake girl have that I dont?

I don't hate you.
I try to picture you dead all the time, just so I can stop
Being sad.

But I cant cos no matter how I see it, my feelings towards you still stay the same.
In fact they grew to be a lot more.
You however forgot all that we've been through.
I'm sorry I couldn't be as interesting anymore.

So much for wanting to be friends and being there for me.

Yes we are friends.
But it's more of you're my friend.

I'm not your friend. You don't see me as a friend. You're the one who sees me as a stranger.

You really want me to disappear right?

I'll give it to you.
Please be happy with whoever you choose to be with in the next few years.

| Sunday, September 28 | 0 comments

Why did I cry?
Why did I suddenly burst into tears over at the taxi stand?

Why did I delete all of my social media accounts?
Why?

Cos I didn't want to see any photos of you and her.
I cried cos I felt that it was the last Time I'd see you.

All I want is you. Not your sorry-s.

Take care. Stay safe.
I love you, always.

Goodbye

So am I wrong? | Friday, September 19 | 0 comments

Like I've said countless times;

I'm not good enough for you.
I'm not good enough for you.

I'm not good enough for you.

I'm NEVER GONNA BE good enough for you.

And I can never be in your arms again.

Cos I'm not good enough and I never will be.

Cos all you see of me right now are my bad points.

Whatever good points that I may have, you choose not to see them at all.

I'm still hoping that things will go back to the way they were.

Five years; there's still hope somewhere.

But what to do when all this while it's one sided.

Cos all of me loves all of you.

Your imperfections to me are perfect.

I gave you my all throughout the years.

But somehow, that doesn't mean anything at all,

Your mistake was this one bit.

Forgave you, I did.

Why?

Cos I'm more focused into getting US back.

But it still doesn't mean a thing.

Cos why?

I'm not good enough.

I'm not interesting anymore.

So was I wrong, for thinking that we could be something for real?

Was I wrong for trying to reach things that I can't see?

It's really hard to act all bitchy and strong and sarcastic

When deep down all I wanna do is to just run to you and lay my head on your strong broad shoulders.

All I want to do is cry

But I can't cos it'd make you happy.

It's funny how I'm feeling so much hurt

But you actually don't feel anything at all.

I cannot let go.

I really can't.

I can't accept that I lost to someone who is so far far away.

Why?

I love you way too much.

Was that my mistake from the start?

You're so important to me.

But what can I do except to wait and be patient?

| Thursday, September 18 | 0 comments

That moment when you act all sarcastic and strong and all that shit,
When deep down all you wanna do is cry and be desperate and be clingy.

Yea that kind of shit happens to me.
Right now. How nice.

Trying so hard to control my tears but I told myself that I can no longer be that weak girl where everyone can step on. It's about time I become different, be more bitchy, be more of a rebel, be more evil and mean and all that. I'm good at showing people that, I think. This is wrong, but I want to hurt people so that they'll know how hurt I am.

Call me an ungrateful devil for all you want. But that's just me trying to recover from being a stupid person who loves AND still loves that particular soul wholeheartedly.

So what if I still do love him and all that?
It's not as if he'll come back.

Eff all the shit and tumblr posts that tell us how nice being in a relationship is.
They never mention about disappointment.

Oh eff it, I'm already crying.

Are you going to comfort me?
Oh no you wouldn't, cos after all, I am a piece of shit.

Lesson learnt : men get bored easily, way too easily.
Why? Cos the girl is never good enough for them.

| Sunday, September 14 | 0 comments

I just want to disappear Ya Allah.
I can't take all of this anymore.
I need a breather I need a break.

I need a distraction.
Why do I feel like this?

Why do I want to do all those bad things?
Why do I want to go around hurting people's hearts just like how mine got hurt?
Why do I want to disappear?
Why do I feel like crying all the time?

It fucking hurts.

| Sunday, August 31 | 0 comments

"Or maybe he is still busy entertaining her" she thought.
At this point of time, her heart broke.

Such is life, you are only needed for a certain amount of time.
Once you've past the "interesting phase", you'll get chucked away.

Nevermind, at least she was pretty in his eyes for at least one time.
She has to be contented, what more can she do.
She'll wait.
Because her love for him transcends any barriers.

But somehow she feels that he's more comfortable without her presence.
:(

I lost you at "hey" | | 0 comments

Scared, I was, when I walked down the aisles approaching your house.
Half heartedly hoping that you weren't there.
But when I saw you, my heart skipped a beat.
Was it fear? Or was that me missing you?

I guess I feared that you'd think I was being a nuisance there.
I guess I missed seeing you like that, unprepared, messy and hard at work.

I never had the chance to see you doing your current job.
Thus, just seeing you all messy and clumsy made me happy for awhile.

But the fear still remained, not sure why though.
Perhaps it's the fear that I won't have any more time left with you?
Or perhaps it's the fear that I can no longer drop by and pay visits after everything is done?
Or just the fear that you're actually bigger and older than me, that it makes me feel so vulnerable and weak.

I couldn't say much, maybe cos I'm still sad.
Or maybe cos I just wanted to hear you talk.
I guess I felt that by listening to you speak, it'll be enough memories for me to keep after this ends.

I couldn't look at you properly.
Maybe cos I felt nervous.
Or maybe I was scared that if I looked at you, your eyes will tell me that you've regretted knowing me.
And that was something I can't bear to witness.

But at the end of the night, I felt that maybe I had enough.
I should be thankful that I still could see you even if it's just for a while.
Perhaps I won't even be able to see you anymore after this.
Or maybe I won't get to see you ever again.

I'm contented to have read all the nice things that you've said about me.
It's rare and I appreciate every single one of the praises you've laid upon me.
It just makes me feel that I did something right for once.
And somehow, it made me go "finally, I'm pretty in your eyes at least once"
It made me smile to sleep, something that I couldn't do for the past few weeks.
Thank you so much for your kind words. You made me happy :)

I'm also just contented I guess, for being able to see you smile and laugh and just being your annoying self, always kacau-ing others and making silly jokes.

And that's what matters most right? Your happiness.
I just hope that you'll always be happy and never give up when you face adversities.
I might not be there anymore to lend you support.
But I'll keep you in my prayers, as always.

| Friday, August 29 | 0 comments

I realised that when we met a few months ago during your reservist period and me fasting, the next few days you went missing were cos of her.

Then the following month I realised that I couldn't get to spend time with you on your actual birthday cos you had to celebrate with your friends over at Thailand. And I gave In cos I thought that I shouldn't be preventing you from having fun with your friends. Now I realise that you went ahead to the holiday destination cos you wanted to celebrate your birthday with her. I'm crying while typing this cos I realised that what I did for you during the advance birthday was nothing compared to her presence.

And then during May during my birthday, you didn't really want to celebrate my birthday Cos your mind was all about her. That's why you couldn't spend the whole day with me on the pretext that you had to meet Jason.

And then came august where you spent 10whole days with her.

I'm just so sad that I had been lied to for the past 8 months.
And i didn't even sense anything wrong.
My love towards you means nothing to you then, now and In future.

But I'm still here waiting for you.
Despite the hurt I'm feeling again today, I still can't seem to let go.
Cos you mean too much to me.

| | 0 comments

What if at this moment, you don't even want to be associated with me?

Then what would I do?

I miss you. So much.

And I honestly can't see myself without you in it.

Don't you feel the same way too?

| Thursday, August 28 | 0 comments

Please end things with her soon.
It isn't fair for me.
But I'll just wait here patiently.

| | 0 comments

I need you to be here with me.
But your heart belongs to her already.

I miss you, so much.
But your heart's missing her more.

I love you, so much.
But you love her most.

I don't have enough time left with you.
But she has forever to be with you.

I thought I gave my best.
But I bored you, cos she's more interesting.

Please let September 26 come fast.
A staycation that involves me alone, sad but perfect.

| Wednesday, August 27 | 0 comments

But you matter to me. And I love you a tad too much.
Sighs

| | 0 comments

If I mean a lot to you, you'd fight for me.
But it's the other way round now; it's me trying to prove that I'm worth it.

If I mean a lot to you, staying together is the priority.
But it's the other way round; to you, letting go to prevent myself from being hurt is important.

Please let September 26 arrive faster.
Self-staycation; i need it now.

I'm not angry anymore, just sad and insecure that I'm the only one wanting things to be like they were.

Hi Sayang. | Sunday, August 24 | 0 comments

I love him a tad too much.
He has hurt me a tad too much.
But I still love him, more than he'd ever imagine.

Do you see how much I care and love you?
Do you see how much I don't want to let go?

You said that you're confused ; you love me but at the same time you don't want me to get hurt.
Am I right to quote you that way?

That itself has given me the spirit to fight on, for you and for us.
I've done way too many things with you (you should know what I mean).
Ironic as it may sound, one of the happiest moments I have was the one last year, where it was 3 whole days spent with you. You showed me immense care, love and you said you were happy being with me.

I ask you now, are you still happy when you see me?
When I felt you nuzzling yourself against my cheek and stroking my cheek throughout the taxi ride,
I wished that that would last forever. Just by doing those actions make me believe that you still love me.

You said you are unsure of the feelings that you have for me.
But I put it as you know that you care alot about me, but you're just confused as to whether you want to continue hurting me or not.

The bottom line is the fact that you have to solve Her first.
She's the root of the problem.
If there was one less girl to think about, you'd find it easier to know your feelings towards me.
You woke up in the middle of the night crying during your trip to Thailand.
What does that tell me? I mean a lot to you, don't I?

These past five years compared to the few months that you shared with Her, don't I deserve more than this?
I'm willing to wait till you've end things with her, since that is what you told me that you would do from the start.

Things may not be the same again, but i believe that through this, we'll come out stronger.

I can't agree to your request of being friends cos it's a huge slap to me, knowing that I have to give you up as my boyfriend just so you can settle it with her.
The longer you take, the more feelings you'll develop.
She's a liar my dear. Please realise that.
Only after you have end things with her, we can re-talk about that request.

Your lifestyle, your problems, I have been experiencing it with you throughout the time I've known you.
Maybe I'm not good enough to stop you from doing vices, but we can both strive to be better people.
I'm not perfect, if i'm perfect, i would not even allow myself to see you.

But I did. I allowed myself to love you.
And you allowed yourself to love me.
It's just a moment of folly with that girl.

You told me that you don't want this as well.
You told me "Sayang, don't leave. Please?"
Maybe your definition of don't leave is "Leave as my gf, but dont leave me. be my friend"
But to me, when you told me not to leave, I wont leave you. I will stick by you as your girlfriend.

Maybe it's my fault for forcing you to end things with her and asking you who am I to you.
But believe me, all this is done by me so that i know that you care.
And you have proven that to me. You do care. you do love.
She's just a one time thingy. And you know it sayang.

Please dont hurt me further than this.
You know that I can't leave you.
And you know that you don't want me to leave, deep inside. you told me that a lot of times.

The many crying sessions that I have only proves one thing - I Love You.
It doesn't matter who has hurt me or make me cry, it's the one who makes me smile again that matters most.
The irony is that, you were the one who hurt me, but you're the one who made me smile again.
I've not smiled like that infront of you for quite a while now.

This November will be exactly Five years.
I'm not asking for marriage now, or one or two years or three years etc time.
All I ask is for you to think of me. Think of us.
And ask yourself, do you love me more?

Cos till now, I still remember that you said you want me more, and that you really love me.
I love you too sayang. Believe me.

Till the day you tell me that you've solved the case with her, I'll keep quiet.

I really love you dear. I miss you. I miss us.
Please trust me and us.
Don't allow that one moment of scandal-ing destroy what we had all these years.

| Thursday, August 14 | 0 comments

I feel alone.
Only Allah is with me.
I know it's bad to feel so much hatred towards the grandmother but after all she did, I cannot bring myself to forgive her and start caring about her.

And it doesn't help that I cry every night wishing that she's never here in the first place.
I'm not used to it.
I want to run away, far from here.
I wish that I have the moolahs so that I can rent myself an apartment or something.
I wish I can just get married now so I don't have to see the grandmother's face.

After all she did and said, she deserves the condition she is in right now.
I hate her.

| Saturday, August 2 | 0 comments

Today was frustrating. Got scolded yet again by the driving instructor.
I seriously feel like giving up.

Broke down again tonight. So many things are clouding my mind.
Perhaps I should just keep quiet and disappear.
I can't take it already.
I tried so hard.
You were right. You really don't have feelings for me anymore.
All that happened during our last meet up, was all a facade.

I don't know anything.
I don't know where you're going.
I don't know what you're doing there.
Who knows you lied to me.
Maybe you're out on a holiday with some new chick.
Maybe it's your way of saying to me "get lost"

I got your message loud and clear.
I'll step back.
Goodbye.

So what if I love you.
It was one sided all this while anyway.

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Allah
Family, Dearest, Friends
What more can I ask for? ♥

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