Saturday, April 26, 2008

Scout & Cuddles in New York

We just returned from a seeing-eye pony training sojourn in New York City, and it’s always great fun to training the guide ponies in New York.

Noel the dog gets jealous on the attention given to the ponies:



Fortunately, there are many hotels in NYC that accept ponies as guests. See my list of Horse Friendly Hotels in New York City.

We started by working Scout and Cuddles in Times Square:



If a guide animal can manage Times Square traffic, they can guide anywhere. It's the ultimate test:



We thought that this "My Little Pony" display was especially appropriate:



Scout is not only potty-rained, but he will “go” on command (the secret words are “bombs away”), very handy in New York, where there are limited relief areas:



We run into all sorts of fun people, and here we are with Jane Goodall:



While there, Dan & Cuddles and Janet & Scout appeared in the Fox Morning show, live national TV.

They all started in "Makeup":



Even Cuddles got groomed:



We also got to meet some celebs, can you guess who this fellow is (between me and Janet)?



Here is a video snippet from the story:

Scout and Cuddles – Live in New York!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

American Outdoor Folk Art

As aspiring rednecks, we want to fit-in to our rural community, and we have been debating the merits of using lawn decorations.



Travis Carter - American redneck folk artist

Janet and I support the arts, and we are happy to help aspiring folk artists, such as Travis Carter with his bold "doe bell" creations. The "Assquatch" art movement is taking hold, and investment quality American butt art is in high demand.


But it's not just deer butts. Creative American artists are finding their voice with a variety of hinnies:



Outdoor American Folk Art

The goal of my research is to find a uniquely American rustic redneck art form. Lawn ornaments sometimes come with negative commutations, and they make a bold statement about you, so great care must be exercised. It's well known that different cultures have difference taste in lawn art.

You also have to sensitive to cultural "poultry stereotypes", and their nationalistic connotations (e.g. "Ever hear old joke about the Flamingo's who to moved to New York and put little plastic old people on their front lawn?")



A little research shows that the styles on 21st Century American lawn folk art ranges the gamut from simple to ornate. Here are some distinctly American lawn art forms:


Redneck Outdoor American Folk Art

Janet and I set-out to hit the road in search of investment quality yard art. In Montana we came across this great place called "Aluminum Critters".

No highfalutin bronze here, just re-cycled engine blocks, carefully melted and re-cast of southern American folk artists ( i.e. "Mexicans"). Once painted with a faux bronze paint, they kinda-sorta look like bronze, and at a fraction of the cost.

They have the best select of folk art lawn pigs that I've ever seen. We had to get this wonderful American folk art horse statue.

It's "green", since the metal comes from chop shops in Mexico, who melt-down engine blocks for the aluminum used in their art. As you can see, the base of the statue is a pre-cast well-cap, so we don't need to waste no money on something fancy.

The art is done locally and the molds are shipped to Mexico for casting, so it's a distinctly American art form. They also ship anywhere in the USA, with no extra charge for shipping additional items, quite nice:



Click here for my full research on 21st Century American Folk outdoor art.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Tips for relocating to the south

We have a town around here called Cary, an acronym for "Container Area for Relocated Yankees".

Redneck artist Travis Carter provides this great advice for relocating Yankees:



In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'e m biscuits.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Adwords criminal click fraud

The losses from "Internet Indigents" may be heralding the demise of web advertising, a multi-billion dollar a year industry.

Now that the poor and ignorant have access to the Internet, all of the major search engine companies are feeling the heat.

Click fraud, scams and adwords deception have become the norm, and anyone who is considering advertising with paid clicks needs to know that the Internet Indigents will eat-up more than half of their advertising budget.



Consultants who study online advertising estimate that 10% to 15% of ad clicks are fake (deliberate click fraud), running up a tab of over $1 billion each year. However, when you consider the Internet Indigent, idiots mashing hyperlinks for fun and profit, the real figure is closer to five billion dollars a year.

At long last, we are seeing the market voting “No Confidence” in paid ad clicks.



Google stock fell 4.7%, amid concerns over the future viability of paid adwords hits the market and I believe that’s it’s largely due to the nasty “Internet Indigents”, poor, ignorant web surfers who clog forums with idiotic questions, stalk and harass people, and make themselves feel powerful by clicking paid adwords to cheat their business competitors. Businessweek confirms my own statistics that the vast majority of the “Internet Indigent” are foreigners, often uneducated and poor, but they all share low moral values and greed to rip-off businesses with fake ad clicks:

“Over the past three years, he has noticed a growing number of puzzling clicks coming from such places as Botswana, Mongolia, and Syria.”


Foreign Fraudsers love earning cash from paid ads

Wired notes that the click fraud is big business, and much of the stealing has been automated with foreign botnets:

“The FBI recently reported that botnets – which are used to facilitate crimes, such as spam, identity theft, denial of service attacks, phishing, spyware distribution and now click fraud – have infiltrated more than 1 million U.S. computers".

This map show the relative amount of click fraud by country. Note the high click fraud in third-world areas (Europe, China, Pakistan and Australia):

Internet indigents are the scourge of the web, one of the primary reasons that the web is becoming a dictatorship of idiots. Today, any jackass can label themselves an “expert”, regardless of their qualifications. In the database arena, I’ve seen loads of “fake” experts, people who put-up a front as an expert, yet refuse to publish their resume, lest people know that they are not what they appear to be.


Rednecks should be prohibited from clicking on paid advertizing

In fact, the whole pay-per-click auction model that Google pioneered is fraught with flaws. This study by ComScore notes that the types of people who click on ads are not the kind of people with the disposable income to buy your products and services. Over half of an online advertising campaign being spent on “Internet Indigents”, lower-class, blue collar surfers who earn less than $40k/year, and click like mad on paid ad clicks:

“The study illustrates that heavy clickers represent just 6% of the online population yet account for 50% of all display ad clicks. While many online media companies use click-through rate as an ad negotiation currency, the study shows that heavy clickers are not representative of the general public.

In fact, heavy clickers skew towards Internet users between the ages of 25-44 and households with an income under $40,000. Heavy clickers behave very differently online than the typical Internet user, and while they spend four times more time online than non-clickers, their spending does not proportionately reflect this very heavy Internet usage”


Can Click Fraud be stopped?

Even the all powerful Google has not developed the technology to thwart the Internet Indigent, and they steal advertising dollars with free abandon.

"It's not that much different from someone coming up and taking money out of your wallet," says David Struck. He and his wife, Renee, both 35, say they dabbled in click fraud last year, making more than $5,000 in four months.

Employing a common scheme, the McGregor (Minn.) couple set up dummy Web sites filled with nothing but recycled Google and Yahoo advertisements. Then they paid others small amounts to visit the sites, where it was understood they would click away on the ads, says David Struck. It was "way too easy," he adds.”

There are also cases of unscrupulous and struggling competitors who use paid adwords to try to siphon-off legitimate searches for their competition. See here, when you search for the keyword “Burleson”:



One promising tool is the Google adwords by zip code, where you can target your ads to neighborhoods with less poor and immoral people.



Another possibility is a tool to detect when an internet indigent is behind the keyboard, perhaps a body odor meter attached to the PC:

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Going Green with an electric Gem car

It’s time to start thinking green, as our huge pickup trucks now cost over $100 to fill-up.

“Ole Yeller” is our tried and true farm truck, a noble old lady, the ultimate sexy redneck car. I always get the pretty red neck gals giving me the eye when I drive this baby into town:


Redneck Chickbait: Ole Yeller

The girls just stop in their tracks and their jaw drops when they see me in Ole Yeller. You can tell that they find it very sexy. Can you believe that she still has her original paint?

Our F-350 even has two gas tanks, a true land barge, and the ultimate farm vehicle. It’s far larger than the biggest SUV:



Perception problems with going green

The problem is finding an electric car that is not seen as effeminate. Remember the Isetta mini car from the 1960’s? Very queer car, opening-up in the front:



The Prius, for example, has a reputation for being for gay (or at least “wussy”). In the noted South Park episode, we also see the perils of hybrid car owners being seen as “smug”, self-righteous hippie liberals who think that their own farts don’t smell bad.

Or worse yet, what if people think we are European? That would be too shameful to bear:



So, how do you “go green”, without being accused of being a Democrat? Me, I’ve always admired those animal-powered luxury cars, 100% green:



Our little Gem car is street legal, plus it’s also authorized for the golf course. However, there is no way I would drive this is my own neighborhood, it’s fodder for ridicule in redneck circles.



The Gem 4-seater can comfortable hold four people, with a top speed of over 40 MPH (But only if you remove the governor):





(L to R) Wynona, Ben, Jen1 and Don

It’s also hard to cherry-out a wimpy electric car, they look dumb no matter what you do, like the Smart Car, all weird, all the time:



Even the tried-and-true Isetta looks weird when customized:



And don’t even think about getting an electric car convertible. They look like a rolling bathtub:

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Sheetz "Crispy Frickin Chicken"

Conservative folks are aghast that Sheetz has introduced a new product, aptly named "Crispy Frickin Chicken":



Well I'll be fuddly-ucked, Sheetz is being accused of using "Fowl Language" with this frickin chicken campaign.



I hear that these were several runner-up name choices:

- Crispy-ass chicken
- Goddamn crispy chicken
- Mother Cluckers chicken sandwich
- The Sheetz sandwich: As good as it sounds . . .

And a good slogan would help too, maybe like this:

"Life is a Sheetz sandwich, and every day you must take a bite".

"Frickin Chicken: It's finger frickin good"

Here is funny Fark commentary on this fricking chicken:

http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=3433010

And their suggested alternative name:



Ah, the outrage continues. What a frickin mess:

http://news.google.com/news?&q=sheetz+%22crispy+frickin+chicken

But it's a billiant ad campaign.

They could not buy this kind of publicity!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Bad SQL Server database advertising

Man, this Microsoft SQL Server ad is just ridiculous.

Note to self: Run buy some more shares of Oracle:


SQL Server Gal - Yes Dorothy, it's really that lame

“Between the crime fighting, the volunteerism, and the press engagements, SQL Server Gal has barely had time to learn her ninth language (Lithuanian) or work on her collection of 17th century quill pens (her most recent addition being the one Spinoza used when drafting his seminal work Tractatus Theologico-Politicus).”

Friday, February 22, 2008

Foreign thieves steal my web site

Foreign thieves again

I just found this today, some Indian fellow who stole my whole web page and copyrighted it in his name. It also says that I work for these foreign creeps now!

“Angtech remote DBA is managed by Donald K. Burleson, one of the world’s leading Oracle consultants and authors”



These people are crooks.

Read more about the foreigners who steal intellectual property.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

World record sale price at Arabian horse auction!

World record set for Polish Arabian horse!

The highest price paid at auction in history, 2.8 million dollars for a Bask-bred Arabian, Baske Afire, a Bask great-grandson, at the Scottsdale auction!

His new owner is Barbara Chur of Strawberry Banks Farm in New York

Interestingly, Baske Afire is an Afire Bey V son (and, of course, a Huck grandson)! The previous record was *Muscat, who went for only two million back in the 1970’s.


Baske Afire - Sold for $2,800,000.00

Prices are coming up again for Bask Polish horses, a good sign with all of our Bask bloodlines. Check out this CNN video, a beautiful stallion, all action, high action.

Baske Afire Video

I’ll bet his stud fees are going up soon, very soon.

Polish Performance Power!

Burleson Arabians is dedicated to breeding the Polish Arabian Performance horse, pure Polish Performance Power . . . . Too many halter horses are bred exclusively for looks, resulting in too much type and not enough action:


Too much dish?

Our horses, Successor, Praetor, Sarah, Rye, are also *Bask grandchildren, but not the same exact line as Baske Afire, but the same breed standard nonetheless . . . .

Our Bask Afire was the son of the most popular paring of all-time, the *Bask x Susecion cross. Note his level croup, which belies his extreme high action, quite decaptive to find a hose with both beauty and power:


Bask Afire

Our Bask grandson Successor, has also won numerous championships:


Suscessor - A *Bask Grandson

It's great to know that all of our linebreeding research has been replicated by other top breeders and that Polish Arabians have such interest in the market again.

Maybe it’s time to start consigning at auctions again . . . . . Nah, it would be like selling a family member . . . . .

Golf Maximum score per hole

Every golfer has to deal with the occasional bad hole where a double-digit score unfairly skews their handicap and ruin their round. Many golf professionals insist that you should always record your actual strokes, no matter how bad, but the USGA has rules on this issue.

I once saw a fellow toss 8 golf balls into a water hazard, determined to make it over from where his ball landed, all because he had seen Tiger do it on TV!

Equitable Stroke Control (ESC) is the maximum allowed individual hole scores to more accurately represent a player's scoring "potential", and forgiving a bad hole!


It's very embarassing to have a nightmare hole, but at the same time, one bad hole should not skew your scores on the other holes.




Your Handicap Maximum stroke score per hole

up to 9 Double Bogey
10 through 19 7
20 through 29 8
30 through 39 9
40 or higher 10

Read more about how to determine your maximum score per hole:

http://www.dba-oracle.com/golf_travel/golf_score_maximum_per_hole.htm