AlterNet: The War on Xma$

AlterNet: The War on Xma$: "Will Durst's 2005 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t

# For former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, who says he's thinking of running for the presidency in 2008: Second thoughts.
# For hotel heiress Paris Hilton: A yearlong sabbatical in Kazakhstan. Actually, that gift is for the rest of us.
# For Bill O'Reilly: A four-day, all-expenses-paid trip to the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco.
# For Gavin Newsom: A copy of the unrated version of 'Requiem for a Dream,' so he can see what sexist and offensive really looks like.
# For Hillary Clinton: A new best seller entitled 'It Takes an Impeachment.'
# For the Democratic Senate: The gumption to continue the fight for the rights of minorities. Even if the main minority they're fighting for these days is themselves.
# For San Francisco Police Chief Heather Fong: A sense of humor.
# For Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: One blessedly quiet year in a Donald-Rumsfeld-free zone.
# For the Democratic House of Representatives: A spine.
# For George W. Bush: An approval rating higher than his average test scores in college.
# For televangelist Pat Robertson: A 'Clue Train' Fast Pass so he can ride for free for 30 days.
# For Supreme Court Justice nominee Samuel Alito: A Harriet Miers Swimsuit Calendar.
# For Cindy Sheehan: Whatever it takes to prompt more"

Letterman is God!

Salon.com Arts & Entertainment | The Fix: "Letterman's mind control: A woman in New Mexico has filed a restraining order against David Letterman, claiming that he's been tormenting her with secret, coded messages through the television. The woman, Colleen Nestler, claims that Letterman communicated to her that he wants to marry her and make her his co-host on 'The Late Show.' The 'mental cruelty' and 'sleep deprivation' that Letterman allegedly inflicted on Nestler apparently came in the form of gestures and eye expressions, songs sung by guest bands on the show, and the letter C on baseball caps. The proposal came in 1993 when Letterman joked on-screen, 'Marry me, Oprah.' Nestler claims that Oprah is one of her code names. In the temporary restraining order, which was granted by Santa Fe District Judge Daniel Sanchez, Nestler stipulates that Letterman stay three yards away from her and that he not 'think of me, and release me from his mental harassment and hammering.' (E! Online)"

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOT

Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:


COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT

Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO

Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.



ABBOTT

Mac?



COSTELLO

No, the name's Lou.



ABBOTT

Your computer?



COSTELLO

I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.



ABBOTT

Mac?



COSTELLO

I told you, my name's Lou.



ABBOTT

What about Windows?



COSTELLO

Why? Will it get stuffy in here?



ABBOTT

Do you want a computer with Windows?



COSTELLO

I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?



ABBOTT

Wallpaper.



COSTELLO

Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.



ABBOTT

Software for Windows?



COSTELLO

No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?



ABBOTT

Office.



COSTELLO

Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?



ABBOTT

I just did.



COSTELLO

You just did what?



ABBOTT

Recommend something.



COSTELLO

You recommended something?



ABBOTT

Yes.



COSTELLO

For my office?



ABBOTT

Yes.



COSTELLO

OK, what did you recommend for my office?



ABBOTT

Office.



COSTELLO

Yes, for my office!



ABBOTT

I recommend Office with Windows.



COSTELLO

I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?



ABBOTT

Word.



COSTELLO

What word?



ABBOTT

Word in Office.



COSTELLO

The only word in office is office.



ABBOTT

The Word in Office for Windows.



COSTELLO

Which word in office for windows?



ABBOTT

The Word you get when you click the blue "W".



COSTELLO

I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?



ABBOTT

Money.



COSTELLO

That's right. What do you have?



ABBOTT

Money.



COSTELLO

I need money to track my money?



ABBOTT

It comes bundled with your computer.



COSTELLO

What's bundled with my computer?



ABBOTT

Money.



COSTELLO

Money comes with my computer?



ABBOTT

Yes. No extra charge.



COSTELLO

I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?



ABBOTT

One copy.



COSTELLO

Isn't it illegal to copy money?



ABBOTT

Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.



COSTELLO

They can give you a license to copy money?



ABBOTT

Why not? THEY OWN IT!



(A few days later)


ABBOTT

Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?



COSTELLO

How do I turn my computer off?



ABBOTT

Click on "START".............

12 Days of Christmas

Christmas legend?

---

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me.



What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?



Today, I found out. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly.



Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics.



It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church.



Each element in the carol has a code word for a > religious reality, which the children could remember.



The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.



The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.



The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.



The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.



Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.



The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.



Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.



The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.



The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in The Apostles' Creed.



So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish.

Salon.com Arts & Entertainment | The Fix

Salon.com Arts & Entertainment | The Fix: "Money Quotes:
Mike Wallace on what questions he'd ask George W. Bush -- who has declined to be interviewed by Wallace -- if he were given the chance: 'What in the world prepared you to be the commander in chief of the largest superpower in the world? … You apparently were incurious. You didn't want to travel. You knew very little about the military … Do you think that has anything to do with the fact that the country is so [bleeped] up?'"