Hysterectomy - The Aftermath (3 weeks Post-Op)

I thought I had scraped by relatively unscathed. I had seen a baby here and there, and I didn't end up being the emotional mess I thought I would be. I mean, I survived recovery in the maternity wing. The sound of babies crying, the lullaby that played when a baby was born (I heard it twice during the night), seeing the new moms pushing their baby in the bassinet down the hall while I'm trying to walk enough so I can go home. I survived that, I can survive anything. Right?

Then I went to church. So many babies crying, talk of expanding families, babies everywhere! The tears started welling up. I tried to escape, find a quiet place away from it all. I couldn't. Now all I could do was try to escape the building before I became an emotional wreck. Find Dave, get to the car quick! Dave asks me, "What's wrong?" I can't get out, "I can't be around the babies," before I'm sobbing.

I made the right decision, so it should be easier. Right? RIGHT? Another reminder that life is not easy, most of the time. Are my feelings normal? Yes. Will it get easier? I hope so.

It's Never Convenient When Your Health Is Declining Pt 4

I had planned on talking more about when I finally received my CPAP (December 17th), and the troubles I have had between then and my follow up with my sleep specialist on February 18th. The Reader's Digest version is it has not been easy for me to adjust to sleeping with my mask. In January, it seemed my health took a sudden dive. We were not sure why it was getting worse, and at an astonishing rate. I use to be able to have enough energy to go grocery shopping, and then I couldn't. I would go almost a week without ever setting foot outside our home. I was that exhausted. I feel that I need to jump quickly into my follow up appointment. It was at this appointment we found out how severe things were.

Follow Up With Sleep Specialist:
I had to take Ian and Lara with me to the appointment. That was an adventure. Ian kept trying to run off, and Lara would chase him down. Once they took us into the exam room, Ian would open the door and take off into the office. I had to put a chair in from of the door and sit in it to keep him from escaping. My sleep specialist came in and went over the results from my second sleep study. My sleep was extremely fragmented, and I was only able to successfully sleep 2 1/2 hours, which made it difficult to determine the right setting for my CPAP. My sleep was fragmented in my first sleep study as well. It was to be expected since I do wake up several times during the night at home.
In the 2 1/2 hours I slept with my CPAP, I was able to achieve 10 1/2 minutes of REM. Not a whole lot. My sleep specialist, "Well, I least you got some versus none before." I never achieved stage 3 sleep. Normal sleep efficiency is anything over 90%. Mine was 38%. She told me she had never seen a number that low. Then she began telling me what all this meant. I have had sleep apnea for so long, my brain changed the way it functioned while I slept so it could keep me alive. How did it change? It stays alert the entire time, so even though I'm sleeping, I'm not really sleeping. As she put it, my brain, in regards to sleep, has PTSD. I'm sleep deprived, very sleep deprived. We began talking about how I'm not functioning well. We talked about how Dave is doing poorly in school because of it. As she put it, "Everyone (in my family) is drowning." Then she looked me right in the eye and told me, "You need someone to take your kids everyday so you can sleep." She told me to contact my Relief Society president, and if they won't help, then take my kids to a crisis nursery. I need to get enough sleep. I need to not be getting less sleep during this time. My brain needs to retrain itself, recognize that it is now safe. The only way to do that is to get plenty of sleep using my CPAP. If I don't, my brain is going to snap, and if it does, I could end hurting someone, including my children. I broke down crying in her office (I'm crying now as I type all of this). I told her about how people have judged me over the years. She told me that I'm not a lazy person, I'm sleep deprived, and that is NOT my fault. She talked to me about how important it is to get better because it's not fair to my children (something I've been saying to Dave for a long time). My children need their mom, and in my present condition, I cannot be that mom.

I left the appointment, and headed straight home. Dave met me at the car, and I lost it. Through the sobbing, I told him what the sleep specialist said. We talked about it, how it's good and bad news. Good that we now know exactly what is wrong, bad because of what needs to be done. We discussed our options. Dave considered withdrawing for this year and staying home to help. Then we found out he would have to completely withdraw from the program and reapply. If he gets accepted again, he would have to start over from the beginning. That's double the student loan debt. If he fails out, then we're stuck with student loan debt that we'll never be able to get out from under. He's only allowed to retake 5 courses during the summer. More than that, and he's kicked out. At the time we found all this out, he was already at 5 retakes for the summer. He appealed three of the tests, and 2 were accepted. Then he didn't pass this last test, there's nothing to appeal, so he's back up to 4. There are 4 tests remaining. This next one is one that a lot of people don't pass. One of the things that is so frustrating is that his school uses a pass/fail system. You have to get 90% on the test to pass. If it was lower, he would be passing everything.

So here we are. Praying Dave will make it through this year, praying for help, and feeling frustrated about everything. I've been told that no one can watch my kids, so I'm not getting the rest my sleep specialist told me I HAVE to have. I can't get better without it, I'll only get worse. The scary part, I can end up in the hospital from this, away from my family. I can die from this. But I can't get people to understand how serious my condition is, all because I "just need some sleep." The sleep that right now is not actually sleep because my brain is scared.

If your doctor suspects you have sleep apnea, get it checked out right away. If you think you may have sleep apnea, push your doctor to test you. I can tell you from personal experience, you don't want to end up where I'm at.

It's Never Convenient When Your Health Is Declining Pt 3

My first appointment with my sleep specialist and first sleep study was in November. I had to wait until December 2nd for my second sleep study due to the Thanksgiving holiday, and the the sleep center was booked. It was a Monday, a school night. I decided to do it anyways because the next available date was 2 weeks later. I wanted to get the ball rolling and onto better health sooner, rather than later.

The Second Sleep Study (CPAP):
My sleep specialist prescribed me Ambien to take for this sleep study. I needed to sleep so they could get good results for programming my CPAP. The tech and I discussed it, I would take the Ambien when she came in to hook me up to all the wires, again. I spent time trying out the different masks to see what I felt comfortable with. Right away nasal pillows were ruled out (it only goes over your nose) because my mouth opens when I'm sleeping. With nasal pillows, your mouth must stay closed or all the air being pushed in through your nose goes right out through your mouth. Not helpful for sleep apnea :) So full face mask it is. There are soooo many to chose from. I spent almost 2 hours trying them all out.

I think this look will take off ;) I call it "The Bane"

Finally I picked a mask to try for the night, plus two others as back up. The tech came in to start the lovely process of hooking all the wires up. We talked about lots of things, including not being diagnosed for years. She looked at me and said. "Really!?! You have the classic signs." I told her I use to be skinny, so... She said, "No, not your weight. Your jaw..." I don't remember the other things she said that were signs. She told me her goal for me was to get me into REM sleep for most of the night so my body could start healing. She finished getting me set up, and I climbed into bed. 

I don't think it took long before I started to doze off a couple times, but I kept waking up. I think it was every time they adjusted the air pressure that did it. Then the mask started bothering me. I kept feeling condensation rolling along the mask, and it was irritating my skin. I couldn't get back to sleep. I really tried to make this mask work. I think it was around 3:30 am that I gave up on it. The tech came in and I switched masks. Much better! I was finally able to fall asleep. In the end, I only slept a total of 2 1/2 hours. I was worried I would have to come back in and do the sleep test again. The tech told me it would take two weeks for my sleep specialist to get the report. I felt a little frustrated, I want my machine now!

Waiting For My CPAP:

I got the phone call from my sleep specialist's assistant a few days later. My sleep specialist had ordered my CPAP. She gave me the phone number of the place where I would pick it up, and told me to call them instead of waiting for them to call me. I called the next day. I was told they had to order it and were waiting for it to come in before they scheduled me to come in and get it. It took a couple days for it to get in. By the time it came in, they didn't have an appointment for me to come in and get it for almost a week, December 17th. I was feeling slightly defeated. All I wanted was my CPAP so I could start feeling better, and start being able to take care of things so Dave could focus more on school. I felt like it was so close, yet so far away.

Jaron finished building his Lego set, so I'm afraid there will have to be a part 4. I'm I boring everyone yet? 

It's Never Convenient When Your Health Is Declining Pt 2

I forgot some things from the last post. This is why blogging is better than telling someone in person, I'm always forgetting something. Sometimes it can be a crucial piece of information. Hopefully my memory will improve as I get better :)

More Background:
I was also tested for Iron deficiency, B12 deficiency, and Vitamin D deficiency after my first child was born. My iron levels were normal. B12 was above normal, but that's not a problem. I did end up being vitamin D deficient. I was told to take vitamin D supplements, but I couldn't get my levels up to normal. So the doctors that saw me said it was the vitamin D deficiency that was causing my problem too. But I knew it was more than that. My current doctor checked all of that again at my first appointment. I was excited that vitamin D levels were finally normal! But it also proved that I was right, my vitamin D deficiency was not the problem.

My First Appointment With My Sleep Specialist:
I found this appointment to be very informative. I found out that what I new about sleep apnea, and what many people think about it, was mostly wrong. She took my stats, checked neck size, then looked in my mouth. Then she drew me some pictures to represent this:

Image:sizemoreheart

This is the four classes of airways. Class 1 is a normal airway. The following 3 are showing the degree the airway is narrowed. Mine is class 3. It means I have obstructive sleep apnea. It's genetic. I've had it my entire life. She told me that weight and sleep apnea is often misunderstood. Most people think being overweight causes sleep apnea, but in reality it's sleep apnea that causes weight gain. Sleep apnea makes you fatigued, which makes you not want to do much, especially exercise. Because your energy is so low, your body tells you to eat more to try to get energy. However, this doesn't really help the energy problem, so you still don't have the energy to do much, and the weight gain spiral begins/continues. 

There are three types treatment for obstructive sleep apnea:

1. Dental mouth guard
2. CPAP or BiPap
3. Soft pallet surgery (to open the narrowed airway)

Looking at my pulse oximeter results, I had some slight dips in oxygen during the night, but I mostly hugged the line between good and bad oxygen amounts. It was not bad compared to what she usually sees. It didn't look like I would need to use a CPAP. She was leaning towards a dental mouth guard to solve my problem. She wanted me to do a sleep study in order to get a better idea of what was going on, but my numbers were not bad enough to do a CPAP study. So I scheduled the sleep study for the following Friday so it wouldn't interfere with Dave's school schedule.

I left the appointment feeling pretty good. I'm not going to need a CPAP, just a dental mouth guard. Yay!

Baseline Sleep Study:

I had to go shopping for pajamas...lol I didn't have any 2 piece pjs that would fit me and be modest for the sleep study. The day of the study I could not eat chocolate, drink anything with caffeine, or take a nap. I felt kind of weird to pack up a bag and head to the hospital just to sleep. I got there, settled in my room and waited to be hooked up to all the wires. The tech came in, and we talked throughout the process (it takes 40 minutes). The tech has to scrub your scalp with this exfoliating soap stuff so that electrodes can be placed. I had at least 6 electrodes on my scalp, electrodes on my temples, chest, and legs. There was a strap across my chest and stomach that had wires attached, as well as an air sensor in my nose (looks like the one used to give patients oxygen). I also had to wear the pulse oximeter again. The tech talked about when I come back for the second study, and I said I didn't think I would be back in (remember, mouth guard needed, not CPAP). He told me everyone comes back for a second study, but maybe I'd be the exception. He didn't seem convinced though.

I took a Unisom to help me sleep. It didn't help. I tossed and turned for hours. Uncomfortable wires everywhere. Several times I started to fall asleep, but then the tech came in because something got detached. In the end, I slept for about 2 1/2 hours. He woke me up at 5:40am so he could get me unhooked from everything by 6am. Then I headed home, still wearing my pjs and slippers. It was lightly snowing. I know, I'm crazy :)

The Results Phone Call:

About a week later, I get a phone call from my sleep specialist's assistant (the one I set the appointment up with before). She was so sweet, once again. It turned out, my sleep apnea was worse than they thought. In the 2 1/2 hours of sleep I got, I had 2 episodes where I stopped breathing completely, and 50 episodes where my breathing was so shallow I was not getting enough oxygen. No REM sleep. I have moderately severe sleep apnea. I needed a CPAP machine, and I needed to go back in for a CPAP sleep study. She told me to tell my husband that whenever I'm crying during the day, it's because I'm not sleeping. How did she know I cry? I got off the phone crying too. I accepted I needed a CPAP. The crying was more because I was relieved that I would get better, and because things were worse than originally thought.

So here I am, only halfway through my story, and needing to stop because it is late. So if you're interested in what happens next, you're going to have to wait a little longer. If you're wondering, yes, things get worse. Also, getting all the gunk out of your hair from the electrodes is a pain!

It's Never Convenient When Your Health Is Declining Pt 1

Sometimes (it may seem like every time), things happen when you feel it's the worst possible time for it to happen. Recently my faith has been greatly shaken as I struggle with ongoing health problems and the timing of it all. Dave is struggling in school because of this, which has made me angry with God. Why are we having to go through this? Why are things not resolving quickly? Is Dave going fail out of school, leaving us with a massive amount of student loan debt we'll never be able to get out of? Why would this happen to us when it was so clear this is what we should do? This might be a long post, but I feel I need to explain our situation because I can't quite get it right when explaining in person. I know there are people concerned, so I want to explain this for them.

The History:
I've been exhausted for many, many years. Before having kids, before getting married, possibly since Junior high. I started talking to doctors about this when I was 18. Every year I'd be tested for diabetes, hypoglycemia, and thyroid levels. Every time, the numbers came back normal. The doctors' diagnosis: it's just something your body does. Once I had children, things became worse. Doctors began telling me it was just depression. Friends and family would say it's because I'm a mom. I kept saying it was something more, but no one would listen. I would have a hard time falling asleep, then wake up exhausted no matter how much sleep I got. This caused a lot of anxiety for me. All I wanted was to feel ok, I wanted more sleep, and wanted to be the mom and wife I wanted to be and couldn't. This caused a lot of guilt, so I'd push myself. The next day I'd be so wiped out, I couldn't get out of bed. I'd be extremely nauseous being upright. Dave would take Jaron to school with him to help out. Then Lara. We did what we had to to cope.
After Ian was born, the exhaustion became worse. I thought it was my medication. I was lightheaded, dizzy, and nauseous all.the.time. I eventually got off the medication, but the lightheaded, dizzy, nausea didn't go away. Dave would have to come home from school early because I couldn't take care of Ian, Lara, or take Jaron to school. Dave struggled. He had to make all the meals, clean, do everything I should have been able to do, but couldn't. I had so much guilt. Dave had to retake 3 classes during the summer. Thankfully he passed them, and we made it through his first year of pharmacy school.

The Initial Diagnosis:
In August, after being off my post-partum depression medication for 2 months, I found my self extremely irritable. I'd yell, then cry because I was yelling. One morning, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. Dave said, "I think you need to see a doctor." I knew he was right, and the doctor's office I contacted got me in that day. We discussed my situation, everything I was experiencing, and decided that I needed to be back on medication. He said he wanted me to be checked out for sleep apnea, and ordered a pulse oximeter test. I was grumpy about it. I thought he was doing it just because I'm morbidly obese, but I did the test. At my follow up appointment to check my medication, he just got the results back. He told me that the test showed a little bit of drops in my oxygen at night, so he was referring to the sleep specialist to look into it more. Once again, I was grumpy about it. I did NOT want to be put on a CPAP machine. The nurses couldn't get an oxygen mask on me when I was in labor, so there was no way I could handle a CPAP mask. The sleep clinic left a message on my answering machine to schedule an appointment, but I never called back. I was NOT going to be forced into using a CPAP (I wonder where my children get their stubbornness from...haha). About a month later, the clinic called back. I happened to answer the phone. The lady was really nice to me. She said that I should come in just to find out what my options were, then I could decide if I wanted to do any of them. She softened my heart, and I scheduled the appointment.

I didn't think I'd turn this into 2 posts, but I'm exhausted. The next part makes me emotional, and today has already been very emotional. So this is as far as I can get tonight. Stay turned for the rest of our story :)

Science vs. Religion

I'm going to wax philosophical for a moment. There's a lot wrong with the world today, but fortunately, its not as bad as many people make it out to be. I think a lot of what's wrong is due to a perceived conflict between "science" and "religion". Many people in the "religion" camp blame all that's wrong on a perceived creeping atheism and have harbored a major distrust in "science", even if the head's of that particular religion have either made no statements against, or have even made statements supporting, science. Many people in the "science" camp blame much of what's wrong with the world on the perceived atrocities caused in the name of a god or gods.

I personally think that both camps are partially to blame but that both should stop blaming the other. Much like how we need bipartisan/nonpartisan agreement in politics, science and religion need to, and can, work together. Its not science vs. religion, nor is it science OR religion. I believe that God is a God of science. He does not violate scientific laws of nature, rather He uses them to perform His work, however, He has access and and understanding of laws that we haven't figured out yet (a "higher law", so to speak).

If we, as a people, taught and everybody understood the scientific method/process, and if we embraced said principle, instead of fearing science or remaining in ignorance, the number of people that would fall for easily debunked ideas/claims would decrease dramatically. Likewise, the number of people that wasted money on products and services that claimed to be beneficial to health, when there is no scientific evidence to support such practices, would decrease dramatically.

Religion doesn't know everything, and needs to stop discouraging people from embracing science. Science doesn't know everything, but does its best to try to. However, it, too, needs to stop discouraging people from embracing religion. "Live and let live", as the saying goes. Science is not the enemy of religion. Neither is religion the enemy of science. By learning and embracing the scientific method, we can do our best to improve our lives, and the world, with the technology and science that God has provided to us to do so. This life is a time to learn all we can to prepare ourselves to return to meet God, and become like him. If we don't do it now, we will just have to learn the same things in the afterlife. Why not get it over with so we don't have to take the "remedial classes" in the afterlife, and we can jump straight into the advanced courses?

Love My Little Girl

Before having children of my own, I wanted all boys. I would often say, "If I have a girl, she'd probably be like me, and I might kill her." I remember watching an episode of Ellen where Pink was a guest. She was pregnant and talked about how her mom wished a girl on her. She didn't want a girl because of the same reason as me. I laughed. I was not the only one! Lara was already born by this time, and I was already in love with her.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting on the sofa next to Dave. He was holding Ian, when Jaron came over to cuddle with me (Lara was taking a nap). Jaron initiated a group hug when it hit me, "I'm so happy I have a daughter!" I told Dave that too. I also said that a home full of boys is too much testosterone for me...lol
There are so many fun things you get to do with daughters. Lara is getting old enough to do a lot of girly things with her. Last week we got mani pedi's together. It was soooo much fun! I love finding girly things for her to wear. She's calmer than her brothers, which is refreshing. Although she is quite the drama queen, and her cries, shrieks, etc grate on your nerves like nails being scraped across a chalk board, the fun times make it all worth it.
I love my boys, but I'm so glad I have a girl too. I'll probably change my mind about that during the teenage years, we'll see ;)