Trying to Find Me~

This has turned out to be the Perfect weekend to get some much needed rest. As I have Strep! Yay~ It's a blessing in disguise, I just know it. Tati has been off having fun in Guatemala for the past two weeks and won't be back for a bit. At first I was very sad, but happy for her. Then I started to do some soul searching and I realized just how much I have defined myself by her. It seems that my life is her. I need to make changes and be a bit selfish. These past two weeks, well lets just say they have been a learning experience. I regret nothing except for the adventures I have not pursued. I am learning and I resolve yet again to be a Yes Man. I will say Yes to life. Life is now. I know that, I get that. It's a bit sad, and scary but exciting too. Soooo many possibilities, I can finally see that. So Finding Me is kind of fun! Let's see what tomorrow brings~

~If I were an artist ~

I would create something this beautiful. Oh wow! I did create this. Guess that makes me an artist! lol

Happy Thanksgiving to You and Yours!

May be your day be blessed with an abundance of food, love and laughter! Enjoy your day!

Alright then, just wow!

Paranoia, the Destroyer. At least according to the Kinks. (I happen to agree. You may want to get some attention for that.)

We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break. ~Marquise de Sévigné (Though it seems you are trying awfully hard.)

I have just this to say, I don't even know who you are. Furthermore! I don't care to know who you are. I generally stay away from self-destructing people. I stand even farther away from those who would choose to destroy people who they have nothing to do with. It kills me how you say we cannot speak your "name" yet you can speak "ours" "mine". Laughable. You are Laughable. I used to feel compassion up until about an hour ago when I heard how you fell off the deep end and tried to drag me in with you. Sorry but I won't be playing. Have a good life! Cheers!

Pollo Asada!~Raspberry Lemonade Cake`&Capturing the Rainbow

Today turned out to be such a wonderful day, despite waking up late and rushing to work. Then rushing home from work in the rain. We had our dinner all planned out. We picked up a few pollo asada breasts (I said breasts, ha) from Sunflower. Paired the asada with Tati's fresh salsa and corn tortillas! Wah La!~ Yummmy dinner. Before we ate we popped a cake in the oven. I tried a recipe from Betty Crocker. The cake turned out quite pretty. I just think it had wayyyyyyy to much flavor. But, it's edible. Then! I noticed quite the view outside my kitchen window. So I had to go capture the rainbow. What a pretty view. It's so nice and chilly out right now, that I just know I will sleep mmmmm wonderful all cuddled up. Nice for a Monday!

Happy Birthday Mamma~

Can't believe it will be almost a year since you left us. Feels like it just barely happened. R.I.P.

~Peaceful Relaxing Day~

Welcome Home!

New Photos~~

Creamy Avocado Tomatillo Salsa

Tatiana has found a recipe for a salsa that she fell in love with at a downtown taco stand. So all week she has been whipping up batches of this yummy green salsa. I slow cook small batches of chicken breast which we then shred. Easiest dinner ever! And low fat too.

Creamy Avocado Tomatillo Salsa

4 Medium tomatillos
1/2 diced onion
2 crushed garlic cloves
1 Green chili diced (more if desired)
Salt to tasted
1.5 C water

1 Med ripe avocado chopped
1 Green chili diced
1/2 Bunch packed fresh cilantro, chopped


Combine first 6 ingredients in a medium saucepan. Bring to a boil. Simmer for 10-15 minutes until tomatillos have cooked through. Pour into blender, then add the rest of the ingredients and pulse until you have a nice smooth sauce. Taste for salt and heat, adjust to your liking. If necessary add broth if too thick.

From my Aunt Theresa

*Wisdom of "The Second TenCommandments"*
* *
(from the Rocky Mountain News, Harvey Mackay, February 12, 2009)

"We all know about the original Ten Commandments, but have you ever heard
of The Second Ten Commandments? I don't remember who sent them to me -
these pearls of wisdom have been often attributed to one Elodie Armstrong -
but I sure would like to thank him or her for sharing this wisdom. Here
they are with my spin on them":

1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human
activities. A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work. People
get so busy worring about yesterday or tomorrow, they forget about today.
And today is what you have to work with.

2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to
pass. Every crisis we face is multiplied when we act out of fear. Fear is
a self-fufilling emotion. When we fear something, we empower it. If we
refuse to concede to our fear, there is nothing to fear.

3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has
succeeded in accomplishing this. Solve the issues before you right now.
Tomorrow's problems may not even be problems when tomorrow comes.

4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a
time anyway. Problem solving is not easy,so don't make it harder than it
is.

5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor
bedfellows. Just remember that all your problems seem much worse in the
middle of the night. If I wake up thinking of a problem, I tell myself that
it will seem lighter in the morning and it always is.

6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for
them than you can.

7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday. For good or ill, it is forever
gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now! You
are responsible for your own happiness.

8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas
different from your own. You can win more friends with your ears than with
your mouth. Hearing is one of the body's five senses, but listening is an
art. Your sucess could hinge on whether you have mastered the skill or
listening. When we feel we are being listened to, it makes us feel as if we
are being taken serriously and what we say really matters.

9. Thou shall not become bogged down by frustration, for 90 percent of it
is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action. Better
to take a break, collect your thoughts and redirect your attention to a
positive first step. Then go on from there.

10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a
lot of small blessings add up to a big one. We all have something to be
grateful for, even on the worst days."

*Mackay's Moral:* These may not be chiseled in stone, but try them -
they'll make your life less rocky.

~~~Memories~~~~

Today I went to visit the Hometown, as my sisters b-day is Monday. It was the perfect day for a little drive. I made her a photo album of a bunch of random photos of various family members. She loved it! It gives her a bit of a glimpse into our lives. So we visited a bit and chatted. She showed me some old, very old photos that relatives from Colorado had sent her. Beautiful photos of my mom and dad when they were young. Things just seems so much more put together back then. I love that. I had to scan the photos so the resolution isn't the greatest but you can still see how beautiful my parents were when they were young. What a treat. I am so glad she let me borrow these.

The first photo is my mom, she looks like a teenager here. I don't really know though. The second she looks young 20's?? And the third is a photo my parents took while on their honeymoon.

This or That Game for Jessica

1. jog or walk: Walk
2. coffee or tea: Coffee
3. Pepsi or Coca Cola: Coke
4. flats or heels: Flats
5. fries or onion rings: Used to be fries.
6. cats or dogs: Dogs
7. skim or whole: Skim
8. small purses or large: Large, (Like a suitcase large)
9. van or SUV: SUV!
10. winter or summer: Summer
11. 1 piece bathing suit or 2: Mumu Ha ha , 1 piece
12. sit down restaurant or fast food: Sit Down
13. McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds
14. white gold or yellow: White gold
15. fish or chicken: Fish
16. Edward or Jacob: Who the heck are they? Are they cute?
17. pizza or burger: Pizza
18. apple or orange: Apple
19. spend or save: Spend ( I have no choice ha! )
20. 1 story or 2 story house: 2 story????

Spring is Coming??????????? Yes? Yes?

Today was just a really, really , really nice day. Really. I loved today, it went so smooth. Why can't everyday be like that. Get up on time. Have time for breakfast. Good hair day. Nobody yells at you. No aches and pains. Dinner just cooks itself. American idle (ha,I noticed I made a typo, but I'm leaving it, It's fitting.)isn't a snoozefest. Yeah. It was great! I think it is because Spring is trying to peek around the corner. I am seriously getting that vibe. I hope tomorrow is as nice as today, as tomorrow will be jam packed! You know what Tomorrow WILL BE a Nice Day! Yes. It will. Because I said it.

So Ciao!
May your day be as grand as mine will be tomorrow!

~Happy Birthday~

Happy Birthday Juan Ambrosio Archuleta! From : 1~27~1932 - 12~3~1993.

All Dressed Up ~~

Tatiana and Marcus on the way to the Ball!









At the Ball, Tatiana, Marcus,Kaysha, Tyler, Chantel,& David.

Senior Ball~

Today is Senior Ball. My daughters last hurrah! She has a beautiful blue ballgown, silver high heels and an appt at Shirodara day spa for an updo. She will be a beautiful princess, just like the gal in Enchanted. I told her I wanted to get her a tiara and a wand! I cannot understand why she refused????????? LMAO! I love to tease her, it's fun. I will post pics later. I plan to photograph Marcus and Tatiana in front of the big tree before they leave. Hopefully, it's not raining at that moment.

Ciao for Now!~~~~~~

Happy Thanksgiving!~~~

Well, Thanksgiving will be here tomorrow. I am so prepared. I did all my shopping Monday. My recipes are ready. I have 2 pies in the oven, the cornbread is done. Tatiana did the cranberries. Ahhh I feel sort of exhausted but excited too. This year we will be doing Thanksgiving in Grantsville. However, I will cook it all here and then transport it there. I am hoping things go off without a hitch. They Will! I will be positive. It will be nice to spend time with some of my family and eating good food, thinking back on old times. Should be a good one.

Happy T-Day!
Ciao

Happy Birthday To Me~~~

What a great birthday! I turned 42 today. And let me tell you the entire day was just wonderful. I got to work and found that they had the Birthday sign up with the happy birthday banner, "Great! I thought, why don't we just announce it on the pager!" So of course everyone was wishing me happy birthday. I got a call from one of my sisters early in the day and she sang to me, then my nephew got on and sang. He sounded like he just woke up, but that just made my day. I asked him what he got me and he said "I'm singing to you, that's what I got you!" Too cute. Then I went to Sampan with co-workers for a nice lunch where we dished a bit. Ha. Later the girls brought down two cakes. One bavarian chocolate and the other a raspberry something. I asked "Where are the candles?" Alas, they said their was not enough room on the cake! Sad! Anyway we ate cake and laughed a bit. Then later after work some of us met up at The Tavernacle downtown. That was so fun. I had never been there before and the dueling piano guys were quite the hoot.

Kari and I decided we would take trax downtown so as to not make our daughters drive. That was an adventure! We were trying to get our tickets to spit out and the darn train just left us! We were not wearing coats because we are Crazy or something. And we had to wait 15 minutes for the next train. Then! Lol we were so funny on the train, asking eachother dumb things like, "Where do we get off?" Finally someone took pity on our poor souls and told us to get off at the Gallivan stop. We then had to walk almost 3 blocks in the freezing cold. We felt like Pioneer women. Seriously tonight I realized how spoiled we all are. Some people ride the train everyday and walk too! And we were such wusses just wishing we had our car. Then again, better to hoof it then get a dui right? Turns out we did not have to take trax back as one of our friends drove us to my place. I had so much fun. Heather obviously did not think I was having ENOUGH FUN because she bought me this huge drink. I was officially drunk after that. Boy, I forgot what that felt like. Ha. But, hey it was my Day! And it was awesome! So now I must take ibuprofen and hit the hay!

Cheerio!

Your New President!

What an exciting, exhilarating day!

Halloween~

Well, Halloween is done. I thought I would post a pic of Tati's costume. She had a lot of fun that night. She loves dressing up. I thought she did a great job with the saree. She ended up not using the dress because she needed to wear something in which to tuck. It all turned out nice though.

The weather seems to have changed and I don't like it one bit. Lol. I wish it could stay like it was the last few weeks, stay like that year round! Wishful thinking I know.

I had a great weekend, spending time with my nephew. He is a real treat when you have one on one time with him. I look forward to babysitting him again. The time change is going to suck! I don't like the idea of getting off work when it is dark. Booo! Why do they have to do that anyway. Terrible idea in my opinion.

Hope everyone had a great, wonderful weekend!

Cya

Move over Jennifer Lopez! Ha Just kidding!

After work I took my daughter shopping at Savers for a thrifty Halloween costume. We decided we would just let the costume find us. So we were amazed to immediately find an Indian (India style) dress right off the bat. It's green and very pretty. We found some green shiny shoes, a huge piece of light burgundy fabric,and a gauze scarf with sequins. We are in heaven imagining how we can dress this up to make her look authentic. Should be fun. We had a bit of fun with the camera phone snapping this pic, sort of reminds me of Joan Collins, though what would she be doing at a Savers! Anywhoooooooo..........Time to go read.

Ciao!

Doris

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is upon us again. So this Saturday my daughter got a little festive and invited her boyfriend over to make cookies, carve pumpkins and watch Childs Play. Ha, she hates Chucky. (She slept with her door open that night. booooooooooo!) I actually made the cookie dough earlier in the day. I also found a great deal on pumpkins at Harmons, only 13 cents a lb. What a frightening deal! They had so much fun. I can't wait for Halloween day now. We still have 2 pumpkins to carve, the costume to finish and treats to get ready. Should be a fun night! Here's to hoping the weather stays nice!

Booooooooooo!

Cya

A CaRaZy Day

Today was one of those days you would just like to rewind and start over. Though I don't know that anything would have been different. It was a terrible, very bad, no good day! Lol. Grrrr. It started out fine. It just sort of morphed into a baaaad day. Ahhhhhhh Tatiana is having problems with her hip again. I had to leave work early and take her into to one of her Doctors. Luckily she has many , so that wasn't too hard to get an appointment. Then we had to wait around for her M.R.I. appt. She was so anxious about being in that little space, that valium was prescribed. She must not have taken very much because she still panicked while in that machine. We won't know results til the morning. It's important to catch infections like this early before they do too much damage. Anyway, I am hoping that she is just sore. Just plain old fashioned, worked out too hard sore. The Dr. just wanted to err on the side of caution.
While we were waiting for our M.R.I. I got some horrible news about one of my sisters. She was in a terrible car accident. Totalled her car. When we finally got to the hospital after 6 p.m. she was pretty much stablized. When I left there about an hour ago, we still did not know the extent of her injuries. Again, I hope she is just sore. It sucked walking into that room and seeing her all laid up with a neck brace and all sorts of tubes. Gawd! I am so sick of hospitals. I actually had to stand by the curtain and catch my breath a few times before I let her know I was there. So tonight I am praying for her.

Good Night and may we all sleep well!

Ciao

Yoshiko

This Post is a shout out to Yoshiko my adopted sister????? (JK!)

More shots~~~

Top photo is most of us just lounging outside in Grantsville. Then my brother Paul. Last is Tatiana with her great-uncle Bobby and great-aunt Marie.

Extended...........

In this photo are also my Aunts and Uncles, cousin Rosie is taking the photo.

Septermber 16~~Mama Laid to Rest

The past four days have been all about family. All the children came together and celebrated my mothers life. Several of our Aunts, Uncles, and cousins from Colorado, and Elko NV joined us during this special family time. Yesterday evening was the Vigil and Rosary in Tooele. It was a beautiful and emotional ceremony. Everyone really pulled together to help everyone deal with their emotions. I really would like to thank all my parents friends in Tooele who took the time to come and share in our grief. It really meant alot to the entire family. During the Rosary 2 of my brothers gave Eulogies. They were beautiful and well spoken. I have asked for a copy so I may post it here. Despite all the emotion it was wonderful and such a happy thing to be able to see family from Colorado. I had not seem them is years. Everyone was just wonderful and I'm sure some were terribly tired, having just arrived as the Vigil was getting under way.

Today was the funeral. We arrived within minutes of the ceremony starting. I think everyone was exhausted from the evening before. It turned out to be a beautiful day! Mama would have loved the weather. It was perfect. The Funeral Mass was again emotional but so beautiful. I want to thank the Choir (which my mother was a member of for many years) for singing so beautifully for us. Thanks for singing her favorite song De Colores.

We saw so many people from our days of growing up in the church. I saw my Godmother Agatha. Thank you Agatha for all your help a year ago. I saw so many people I couldn't possibly remember all their names. Bertha Graham you are a Diva, I love you. Evelyn Montoya and (I forget your husbands name) you are such a beautiful couple. Thank's for all your support. Pepe Pacheco you are so wonderful , thank you for being their for my mother during her last days, you are so strong. Peggy thanks for the beautiful music. Father Diaz, thank you for the memorable service. To the guys at Tate Mortuary, you were great, and we appreciate everything. To everyone else who attended, please know that I am desperately trying to remember names. To those of you, I am so thankful for your support. You can't know what it meant to all of us.

We took many pictures which I will post. After the funeral we had a gathering at the church. That was so nice. Thank you Carolina for making sure lunch was put together. After the gathering all the family headed for Grantsville where we laughed and talked about old times. I am hoping we have many more gatherings where we can all just get to know eachother again.

Dorothy Archuleta 8-20-1934~9-9-08

In Loving Memory Of our Mother.

Goobye Mama!

My mother passed on this morning and is now with her husband. We already miss her. The funeral will take place next Tuesday in Tooele. She will be laid to rest next to her husband.

Today there were lots of tears, laughter,more tears, memories and one shouting match. Yet we are all better for having spent the day together trying to get things in order and just talking. Mama loved to talk. So we all talked and talked and talked. It is too hard to put into words what I am feeling exactly, so I won't even try right now. Though I would like to later, so I can just look back on it in the future.

We will all be O.K. and try to live better lives in memory of Mama Dorothy.

Goodnight!

Knowing......

Knowing when someone is going to die is proving to be the toughest thing I have ever dealt with. Tomorrow morning all treatment will be stopped. After , it should only be a matter of hours before she passes. So, we will all meet there at 9 to say our last goodbyes. If my sister is reading this, then I hope you have forgiven me for anything that happened last year. I forgave you the week it happened, I understood your pain. No one ever knows when it is there time, so we should just all say whatever we have to say "in that moment". Don't waste any more time, life is too damn short.

Goodnight

Just got a phone call.

Luckily I was driving when my sister called. When I got into my apartment it took me a good ten minutes to make myself call her back. Apparently the family who were present at the hospital today ( I was working) had a meeting with a counselor. They have finally decided to stop all life saving measures for my mother. On the bright side my sister who had not seen her at all, visited the hospital today. Also, my nephew paid a visit to say goodbye. I know this is for the best. It is what I have been saying all along. Even so, I still feel very , very sad. I am totally going to have to stay busy this evening so I won't have to think too much about it. It sounded like they wanted me to go to the hospital and wait til it's over. I just cannot afford to miss work. Does that sound terrible? God, I'm so confused. I mean none of us know how long it will take. Maybe tomorrow morning I will have made a decision and go down there then. For now, I don't feel like driving. I am exhausted mentally and physically. Please God, let this be the right decision and may she sleep peacefully until she enters your arms.

Bye~

Stalling........at Saltaire

Today we took a very long time to even leave the house to head to Tooele to see my mother. I cleaned the house more than I usually do , just kept on finding chores to keep me busy. Finally at 4 p.m. I could not stall any longer. So we headed out, instead of going directly to the Hospital we stopped at Saltaire. In the past we have loved going here to take photos. So we walked and talked a bit. Then we found a very nice flat rock and I had her lay down, and I took some photos with the sun blinding my eyes. I literally could not see what I was doing! So I was happy I got a few good ones.

Finally we arrive at the hospital at 5 p.m. We sat for 2 hours. In that entire time, my mother did not open her eyes. The nurse said that she did open her eyes when they suctioned her trachea. Also when they cleaned her mouth. It was very sad for us. We found that some ladies from the Catholic church had been by and left the family prayer cards with instructions. I was happy to know that other people had come by to visit. Then an aide came in and told me alot of people from Stockton had been by and had been talking about her. He said alot of people came, so he wanted to know if my mother lived in Stockton. Hmmm , she lives in Grantsville. He did not know who they were, so Im guessing they were from the church. The nurse came back in and told us that she had an infection somewhere and they had changed antibiotics. So that was under control. We finally said goodbye, though I don't really think she was aware we had come. No matter we will go again tomorrow.

On our drive home my brother called and said the hospice we were hoping to get into had declined her , not being comfortable with a tracheostomy. So now we are waiting for Salt Lake Regional to call, she may be admitted as early as tomorrow. I am hoping this all works out.

Right now we are home and my daughters boyfriend is here and we are going to watch the Bucket list. I plan to make my own Bucket list after. Do any of you have a Bucket list?

Ciao For now!
Doris

Yoko Oh No!!!!!!!

I took this photo a couple of weeks ago. It reminds of of Yoko Ono, lol. The photo is a little blurry which sort of fits that era doesn't it? Ha, that time period was fuzzy for a few people. Ahhhhh good old days! (Disclaimer: I was too young to really know.)

Almost a week..........

Well, it's been almost a week since this ordeal with my mother began. Today, the hospital performed a tracheotomy. I was not there, I have to work. Anyway, my brother Andrew was and said it went very well. When I got the text from him it took me a few minutes to read the message. I got very tense and had to take a few deep breaths. I was relieved when it read that there were no complications. He also told me that he spent most of his day visiting care facilities here in Salt Lake. If everything works out with her insurance, she will be in a hospice near St. Anns church which is not too far from where I live, about a 10 minute drive. I really give kudos to my brother. He has gone above and beyond in his duties as a son in taking care of the details. He definitely has a strength that will see him through. He is the youngest so I kind of worry about his feelings. I also worry about my youngest sister , I have promised to visit her every weekend. Well, just wanted to update , I will probably blog again when I know more.

Ciao

Labor Day

Got up early after resting well, with the help of Tylenol p.m. Then waited for the awful hailstorm to pass before heading out to Tooele. By the time we got there the rain had eased considerably. We found my mom now in I.C.U. Her heart had stabilized and stayed steady and strong through the night. While we visited she seemed to know that we were there. Holding my hand with her left hand a few times. Once , she wouldn't let go, when I told her I had to go take a break and let in another family member. It was tough, but I kept conversation light and cheerful. When my oldest sister came in the room, we started talking and the conversation got a little more rousing. I noticed that while we talked about anything and everything that my mother opened her eyes and perked up a lot more. I later instructed other family members to talk about anything so she would know what was going on, no matter how trivial they felt it was.

I was able to speak to the Dr. and that was hard. My personal feeling is that my mother should just go naturally without any major life saving measures. Most of the family members feel that way. We do have 2 members who feel that all measures should be exhausted. I am confused by this and trying to understand why. I hate the thought that she is trapped in her body which is failing greatly! But, since she did not have a will stating what her exact wishes would be nor does anyone have power of attorney, it has to be a joint decision. So......now we are left waiting once again. I am not God. I don't know how long she will live without a respirator or a tracheotomy or a feeding tube. I just feel like we shouldn't prolong her suffering. Maybe I am wrong! I would feel terrible if I were wrong. So we have to respect the wishes of those 2 family members even if they are outvoted. They did say that we could give it a couple of weeks, and see if she regains any of her faculties. As it stands now, she can open her eyes for a bit and move her left arm and left leg. We don't really know if that is reflex or she is doing that herself. We don't even know is she can see us when her eyes are open. We do know without a DOUBT that she knows when we are there. Some of us talked and it was mentioned that perhaps she is fighting because she is worried about us. I don't think it is fair for any of us to ask her for anything, except maybe forgiveness. I did tell her that the Priest had come on Friday and performed a ritual where her sins were forgiven. I told her "Mama, right now you don't have any sins." And she just looked at me and held my hand. I wanted to believe that it relaxed her, I did notice she clutched her rosary tighter.

Tonight , I do not feel as devastated as I did the past few days. I think I am coping well. Tatiana is also coping well, she is handling this like a little angel. I love that girl and I totally thank her for being with me every step of this journey. I will return to work tomorrow and just see what the next few days bring.

Peace

Doris

A Terrible Weekend.......

As I write this post , I am not sure if my mother is still with us. As the situation keeps changing. An hour ago my sister who had just returned to Salt Lake after spending the day in Tooele, called and told me that my mothers heart was stopping. My heart itself felt like it was stopping. And there was not much I could say. However, my other brother just called and said that her heart is now beating strong again, but she does not have much time. He said not to drive as it is raining quite terribly. An unexpected migraine hit me this morning at 11:00 just before I was about to leave. I only recovered from that about 7. I am numb. I have cried, but I feel empty. I don't know how to do this.

This all started Friday morning about 2, when she stopped breathing and an ambulance was called. Since then most of the family had assembled and kept a vigilant watch. She suffered a massive stroke after being ill for several months. In a previous post I mention that we almost lost her, however she fought that off, as she appears to be doing now. The stroke left her paralyzed on her right side and unable to talk, mostly unresponsive. She did squeeze our hand when we asked her a question. And from time to time her eyes would open, yet we are not entirely sure she actually saw us. I desperately want to believe she saw us or at least heard us and knew we were there. Friday evening when Tatiana and I said goodbye before driving back home, she reached out with her left hand and took Tatianas hand. She then raised my daughters hand to her lips and held it there. Surely that was a kiss! We sobbed on our way out of the hospital. I had a terrible time driving back, yet made it safe.

Saturday we again got up got ready and met family at the hospital. We all just took turns going in and spending time with her. Though one sister refused to leave her side at all. I don't know if this is petty, it just seemed like we each should have had some alone time with her to say the things we wanted to say without anyone else around to inhibit our words. However, that did not happen, so I just have to believe that she knew how we felt. It has only been recently that I myself have come back into her life. We had forgiven each other and talked regularly. She was always interested in Tatiana and how she was doing. So, I'm not even sure that I had anything else to say, she knew I had forgiven all the old stuff. She had done the same for me many months ago.

My brother Albert arrived from Colorado just after 4 and was at the hospital about an hour later. Shortly after he spoke to her, her heart started failing. So, when I got the first call, I thought that she had waited for him to come! He was her first son, and growing up they were so close. So maybe I am just trying to make sense.

I feel empty. I feel numb. I cry but my tears feel dry. I think I am more worried about certain other family members who might cope with this in an entirely different way than I would. I know that I will be strong and go on. I will work and bring home a paycheck and pay the rent and eat and yada yada yada. I'm not so sure about some of the others. I have a daughter of my own to think about.

This is terrible. I just found out that there is a DNR (do not resuscitate) order in place. I know that this is, has to be the best thing. Her body is broken. Worn out. Tired. She raised 10 healthy children and her husband left several years ago. He is waiting. He has to be.

I just spoke to my sister. She said we should just sleep and get up early and see what the day brings. I don't know if I can sleep. Last night I had a terrible time. I had my bedroom window open and everytime the wind would slap the blinds I would see my mom's eyes fly open. I finally got up and closed the window , but slept quite wretched. Probably the reason for the migraine.

I want to race down to the hospital in Tooele. But the weather is terrible. My mother wouldn't want us to drive in it. I know that. I remember how crazy she got when we refused to stay the night and drove home anyway. Oh those were the days. I have lot's of memories. She worried about each an everyone of us. That had to be a crazy amount of stress.

Tonight the T.V. is on and the Sound Of Music is on. I just sat watching, not really seeing. Then I smiled at Tati and said, "She loved music!" then the tears came again.

Well, I am certainly rambling now. I guess this is sort of a catharsis. I will try to rest now and see what tomorrow brings. Death, Rebirth , Hope, New Beginnings..........


And lot's of memories.

Goodnight

Minor Details Trailer

Today I discovered that the movie Minor Details has a trailer online now. So , I watched it of course. You can see Tatiana just after the sticky note that says "cheerleaders are ick, and they're going to get sick."

Cheered me Right Up!

Dance when you are drowning !


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Needing a new career........

What a life. I swear I am being priced right out of this Earth. I seriously have to find a way to make more money. ( I know, we all do.) I really do think/know it is time to get serious and make some major changes, if I want to keep my head above water. I sometimes feel like I am drowning. This life is so hard, if it's not one thing it's another. It's been so long since I have job hunted. I have a job. It's great as jobs go. Seriously though, it doesn't pay nearly enough. I need to figure out my strengths and look at my options. I feel like I am running out of time and it is starting to affect my entire life. I have been doing the same job for many, many years. Supposedly I am great at what I do. Yet, it doesn't reflect in my paycheck. I see others around me with fancy cars, houses , toys. I don't necessarily need all that. What I do need is to be able to afford crap that comes up. Instead of always feeling like one paycheck away from homelessness. Wow. Writing this down, makes it seem like I am all sad, and my life is horrible. I'm not. I'm just feeling a bit frightened about things to come and whether or not I can keep up. So, I have made a resolution to better my situation. And, if that means exploring other careers, so be it. Wish me luck!

Minor Details....

I totally forgot to post about this. Anyway Tat had a small (very small, lol) part in Minor Details, a movie shot here in Utah. Well, Sally Meyer the writer sent me a photo she took of Tatiana with Jennette Mccurdy (she plays Sam on iCarly).

www.yahoo.com

Today at work, my co-worker asked me if I had been on yahoo at all. I told her no, and said I had been very busy. Well, she tells me to come and look at her computer. I was shocked to see Tatis face on Yahoo. Ha! Too funny. So I called her at home and told her to get on yahoo. I didn't tell her why. Her reaction was hilarious. "Why am I on Yahoo?" Well, the photo is from a stock shoot she did locally. So then I had a little fun and went around asking the guys to log in to yahoo. I'm sorry but that is my baby! It's crazy because she looks so healthy, and she was! What the heck happened! Well, the photo looks a little small, you can just click on it to enlarge it.

Hello~` long time no blog........

You see I get in these little funks and don't feel like posting. Or things happen and life is all haywire for a while. Like this past week, life was pretty haywire. Things seem to be calming down, and I am hoping it stays that way because I am dreadfully tired. I swear even the bags under my eyes hurt!

Last Monday, Tatiana mentioned a pain in her hip. However , she brushed it off as probably just growing pains. Anyway, I didn't hear any more about it until Tuesday afternoon when she said the pain had increased, yet she wanted to go swimming. As I drove her and her friend home she complained of the pain again with a very loud "Ouch!" She was sitting in the car at the time and had just barely moved her hip and the pain erupted. By the time we got home she took ibuprofen and called it a day. The following day I called her from work and she said she was in intense pain. That was Wenesday. I called her Dr. but he is off Wenesdays, so the nurse said to wait til Thursday. Well, that evening the pain intensified to the point she could not walk. Anyway, about 3 in the morning I get for a bit and hear noise in the living room. Come to find out she is propped up sideways crying her little head off. After calling her father we decide to wait for the Dr. who opens at 9.

Well, apparently Tati thought that we would see the Dr. at 9, but that is only the time they open. So....she was devastated and began desperately crying when I told her the appt. was at 11. Oh, my heart was breaking. We make it to the Dr. he does x-ray and blood work, but both tests show nothing. Flash forward, to the PCMC ER. After testing that takes till about 11 that night, they decide we need to do emergency surgery on her hip. We give our consent and they proceed. By this time we are out of our minds! Yet, we don't let her see us all crazy. We kiss her goodbye and we leave the hospital to run home and pack some things.

We return to the hospital and they tell us that she had a Septic Hip. Basically an infection in the joint. They cleaned it out and say she will be in the Hospital for a few days. Well, we were there until Sunday. She was released with a picc line and crutches, and many future Dr. appts.

Life feels soooooooooo stressful right now. Just trying to coordinate our schedules along with friends who can stay with her while we put in a few hours work has been daunting. I don't know how people with very ill children do it. I give them major props! I guess we just have to take one day at a time, thats what I keep hearing myself tell other people. This is the first time I have actually sat down with nothing to do for a bit! So I decided to blog.

Tatiana is in very good spirits, she is quite the trooper and it helps that her sense of humor is very much intact. She is lucky she has great friends who come to just sit with her and cheer her up. I totally notice a difference in her when her friends come over.

Ha, I took a few photos at the hospital and here they are!

~yawn~

I cannot believe how tired just sitting around and waiting can make a person! Lol. Today Tatiana finished up filming her role in the movie Dixon Diaries, (which I hear has changed the title to Minor Details). She had a load of fun. I however just sat around and yawned a lot. Last night we didn't wrap until almost midnight. Today was relatively easy though because we got out before 9 p.m. I can't wait to see the finished product though. And I really do look forward to her getting more roles. I promise I won't complain about waiting! Ha. Anyway, I must go watch the news now.

Ciao!
Dee

Im baaaaaaaaaack!

Ha! Actually, I was never gone, I just didn't feel much like blogging. Life has had it's up's and down's. And luckily things are smoothing out. My mother was very ill this past weekend and ended up in the E.R. and eventually admitted. It was a very emotional time for us, but we just hung in there and visted her as much as we could. On Wenesday we thought we might lose her. Apparently she had other plans and is doing soooooooo much better. The entire family is grateful.

I had not seen some of my family due to family conflicts. However, due to the overwhelming and serious situation everyone was able to put their bad feelings aside and we all got along great throughout those challenging days. I even told my daughter on our drive home one evening, that I wished I could be friends with certain family members yet somehow keep a safe distance. Hmmm a conundrum, yet worthing solving.

My daughter is now working at a regular job and she LOVES it. I don't though. Ha, I don't want her gone too much. Her job is mostly evenings ! I know, I'm being selfish. But, I am getting used to it. She also has a small part in the movie Dixon Diaries which is filming here in Utah.She plays a cheerleader named Lindsay. She films her part beginning tomorrow. I think it will be fun to take her and see her on set again. And bonus! I won't be at my regular job! Lol.

We also had a family friend spend a little over a week with us while he was between apartments. That was a joy at first! Lol I did start to get somewhat irritated. I am so used to being able to walk around in my underwear. Ha ha ha too much info , I know. But, it ended nicely and he is gone now. Sad. Anyway, we will still see him.

Also........... I miss Jessica! Why oh Why did you leave me??????? Don't get me wrong, I love Lindsay and NIkki, it's just that I loved loved loved arguing with you and then laughing about it. The place is not the same, saaaaaaaaaaaaad! Gah. Come back.

That's it for now! Wish us luck tomorrow!

Ciao
Dee

Bohemian Sunday

What a great end to a wonderful relaxing weekend. We all went for dinner at Cafe Med. And let me tell you that place has wonderful food. And the portions are HUGE! It was a nice place to go simply because you can get vegetarian or meaty fare there,which meant everyone was happy. We then went for desert at Cold Stone. Yummy coffee flavored ice cream. Tati and her Dad had fun teasing eachother. She even made him a toupe with her abundant mane of hair. I , of course was taking the photos. So, no photos of me again. But, I like it that way! Ha, Cheerio!

Just Hatched......

Tatiana and Katie at the zoo, last summer. Memory day for me.

Memories...........

From a little tiny baby to a 17 year old WoMaN! My how time flies.

Ha ha! Guess who???

Biker Babes!

Conchita

This little monkey is only 3 weeks old and is being hand-reared at the London zoo. It's mommy is recovering from a cesarean. So, little Conchita thinks the teddy bear is her mommy. Sooooooooo cute!

Tatianas 17th Birthday

Tatiana's Birthday was Friday April 25. We didn't celebrate until Saturday though. Since we were both available that day. We started out by taking her to get a Gym membership. She was stoked that it was for a whole year. Ha, imagine your teenager asking for gym membership as her birthday gift. Nice. Then we went to Happy Sumo. Her Father Ervin had never tried Sushi, he was totally a good sport but somewhat anxious. He got rid of the anxiousness by indulging in a bit of Saki. Ha, I don't like the taste of it, tastes like rubbing alcohol to me.

We ordered and had a great lunch. Tatiana loves Sushi and if she could eat it every day she would. However, it is cost prohibitive (that girl needs to be rich!).

After lunch we went strolling around The Gateway, we had found Katie earlier working at Buckle. So we stopped by again and brought her sushi for lunch. We then continued on, it was soooo chilly to me and I was mad that I had not brought a sweater. We stopped at Forever 21 where the birthday girl chose a messenger bag and a scarf. Her dad had lots of fun in that store, he even molested the Mannequin......hehehe........ After that! We went to Dicks sporting goods to buy a pair of Nikes. All in a all she had a great birthday, though we did forget the cake. After the Gateway we dropped her off at Nino's house and we had to laugh because the Cake was at our house and her father had to go home also. Oh well the Cake was pretty and I had a piece when I finally got home. Hmmm I might go have another piece now!