Hospitalization Leave- God's way of slowing me down.

First 2 weeks of HL was miserable due to the need to cope with the pain, grief over the health of my foot, as well as self-pity amidst my crazy enthusiasm and silly consideration for others to still do work while in pain. I got to a point that I cried in bed and the husband gave me a good scolding and told me to just rest and heal. I pushed away some work, and felt slightly better. I slept in daily and felt more alert and happy. Lesson learnt: hospitalization leave is called hospitalization leave for a reason.

Below were some things and people which/ whom kept me going through my HL:

Received this paint-by-numbers piece which I initially felt I didn't have time for, and eventually had all the time in the world to complete it. And the luxury of being able to point my (right) foot.

Read the book I bought in 2018 while on sabbatical, which Aldo highly recommended to his clients with anxiety issues. Wanted to read it personally before I recommend to my clients. Felt that it would have benefitted me more if I were to read this as a younger adult. But you know what, it's never too late!

Ordering my favourite foods to cheer myself up.

Little gifts to occupy my time.

Occasional indulgence of alcohol.

Charmaine dropped by and bought me soon du bu (spicy tofu soup), which I was craving for! It's really a joy to receive visits as a patient.

Looking forward to eat this at the restaurant, whenever possible.

On the first day of injury after I returned from the hospital, Gwen dropped by with egg tarts and played games with us while I fought the zzz monster as I took painkillers.

Ice-cream, cakes, and a warm cup of coffee from Weishang, Sharon and Julia.

Acai bowl from Theresa. My first time eating acai.

Not forgetting the box of nuts and snacks 🥜🌰from Kai Fen too! 

I specially dressed up to take a professional headshot for an upcoming presentation at a seminar. Excited much! 🤩 Make-up and a smile do wonders.

And lastly, my amazing husband who took care of the chores, settled my errands, and took care of me throughout the whole period. So I had to go outdoors in crutches on our wedding anniversary! Happy 2nd wedding anniversary to us. ❤️❤️

Update: Celebrating small but important milestones such as brushing teeth while standing up and without using a cup, walking without a boot, relearning how to walk properly (without a crutch!), showering without a stool to sit on, wearing bottoms without having to sit down, restarting my baking journey... Next up: leaving home on my own. 🤩

Fracture.

The first fracture of my life was from walking on a pair of wedges. 😅

1) I remembered hearing some cracking sounds but I think I was in too big a shock to calmly and objectively assess the situation. I wasn't fully sure that it is a fracture, so the husband helped me to ice it. I managed to take the bus home, walk up the slope downstairs of my block, and eventually showered while standing up. 

2) The pain got worse at 3 or 4am and I couldn't sleep further. I made an appointment at the polyclinic, hopped from home to cab to polyclinic entrance, and had an x-ray to confirm the injury. It was fracture of the 5th metatarsal, which husband jokingly said that I had the same injury as David Beckham but his was 2nd metatarsal. 😑 The doctor gave me a cast, asked me what I worked as, and said, "oh no, your job need to walk a lot..." 

The cast gave good support for the injured foot but I could feel the pain through it because of the injury sites, prolonged propping of foot, prolonged placing of foot on the floor or generic stiffness. My calf was always aching that I was dabbing yoko yoko through the cast bandage for it to reach my calf. 🙈

The good thing I discovered was that this injury sparked off a lot of creativity- from how to shower without wetting the cast... how to move around the house without using the crutches so as to give my armpits a break... how to make coffee for myself and transport them from the kitchen to the dining table without spilling it.

3) I was given crutches and taught how to use them by an encouraging nurse. They became my trusty friends for the next few weeks. But depending on crutches was not always fun, as my armpits seemed to be in pain and itch due to the accidental friction caused during movements. Somehow, my palms were aching too from the pressure and possibly, my body weight. I consider myself as lucky as I generally have strong arm strength and decent core muscles, but they didn't prevent me from having those pains and aches. Movement was troublesome and I needed to be slow and mindful (something that I am not used to). 

4) After 3 weeks, the cast was taken off and I could finally wash my left foot and calf. The amount of dirt was unimaginable. The swell was quite bad and I could still feel pain in both movement and non-movement. Without the cast, the injured foot felt more vulnerable as it would jerk slightly during movements. I had to minimise my hopping so as not to cause more pain, but it was less efficient in terms of movement. Other than that due to the positioning of the leg in a fixed way for the past 3 weeks, my calf was aching very badly that no amount of yoko yoko and massages helped. I believe that the resting somewhat helped.

5) My first follow-up appointment at the hospital (3 weeks after injury): I thought I would be getting an x-ray but the doctor said it was too premature. I was given a boot, my first footwear purchase of the year. The next 1 week was spent trying to walk on 1 crutch and the boot instead of 2 crutches. Initially it was challenging, but after a few days I managed to put aside 1 crutch. The boot was supposed to keep my foot in a fixed angle and was quite comfortable to wear. I was limping due to the injury as well as the height of the boot. After another week, I managed to walk on my boot without any crutch. 🥳 I had to remember to exercise my foot without over-exerting it because...

6) I realised that my injured foot and corresponding thigh became thinner than usual. I felt a little worried, but I knew I had to really start using my injured foot and corresponding parts. Thus, even though I felt pain occasionally, I made sure to walk around the house in my boot as much as possible and tried to move around like how I would usually do when I was well. I started washing dishes and doing the laundry but have not got down to my usual vacuuming duty because I think that requires more coordination and movement. Happy moments included sights of my injured foot having wrinkles, that means my swelling had gone down!

That's pretty much the summary of my past 5 weeks, injury-wise. I hope to actually do a 2nd x-ray next week and hope to walk on my bare foot soon. 🤞

Do you remember? Do you bother?

I've been thinking a lot about life, and what do I want out of it. But due to the nature of my personality, I have the tendency to look at what's lacking rather than what I already have. Over the years, I believe that I've made some improvements in caring more for myself, and having more self-compassion. This entry aims to achieve some self-compassion.

In 2016, when my uncle passed away, I reevaluated my relationships and removed toxicity away from my life. It was not an easy decision, but I made it nonetheless as I knew that I might continue to be disappointed when I had unmet hopes of certain relationships, which will eventually eat into me. This year (2020) I started to reevaluate more relationships and the meaning of my existence. Perhaps this was sparked off by the passing of my 35th birthday, and my belief that life is unpredictable.

Years ago, I removed my birthday from Facebook as I didn't want to receive birthday wishes because Facebook notified my friends about my birthday. Previously as a younger and more socially active adult, my birthday was still much celebrated by various peer groups. Even if there were no celebrations, at least I received a birthday message or a card.

But sadly the number of people, who are willing to spend time with me for my birthday or remember my birthday, reduced. I am not expecting birthday parties or big presents, but rather small words/ gestures to show that I am remembered or treasured. I am excluding the peer groups who did not have a tradition to celebrate birthdays together or did not know of my birthday to begin with. I am also excluding the peers whom I've lost regular touch with or whom I didn't bother to celebrate or wish them when their birthdays came.

Sadly (for lack of a better word and because I am genuinely sad), the people who did not wish me happy birthday are my some of my current peers whom I considered having shared close relationships with. Otherwise, they are people whom I've put in effort to reach out to and be present in their lives. No doubt my efforts might have dwindled over the past years, but I made the effort to send a message or gift or cake or something to show that I bothered about these people. I was also asked to celebrate their birthdays, but when it comes to mine, nope, nothing at all. Not a single message.

Another hit came when I realised that a relatively new peer was not exactly a very kind peer towards me, and I felt disappointed that I put in effort to invest in building the friendship and was hurt eventually. The peer insisted that I was to be blamed for something which she should be accountable for. My lesson learnt- efforts are not always reciprocated.

I want to reiterate to myself that I don't need big presents or celebrations. I just hope for genuineness in relationships. If someone give me genuineness, no matter I am close to this person or not, I will give back to this person- be it in words or in kind. This is how being a human should be, no?

I am not sure where this reflection will bring me, but I probably will cut off some socialising or connections to regain some sanity and heal from the grief and confusion. More often than not, I had to handle complexity in relationships in my work. So in my personal life, I have little mental capacity to manage such complexity and would prefer clean cut, simple, non-toxic relationships (not blaming others, but because of my self and interpretations, the experience can be rather toxic).

That being said, my 35th birthday was great.

I am very very very thankful of having my family and husband with me on the eve of my birthday, having a simple lunch and cake together, hearing them sing a birthday song for me and simply spending time together (photo in my previous post). The pleasant surprises were of course the little gifts that they prepared. I am also ultra grateful for myself in applying leave from work, poling, and going for massage and manicure to pamper myself. And the husband for buying me 3 lobster rolls because I have always wanted to eat them but never gotten down to do it.

In addition, I am thankful for the following:

Yummy Beauty Pot treat and company from Gwen.

Yummy sashimi don treat and company from Jody.

Jody bought 2 slices of cheesecake (1 for myself, 1 for husband... how did he get himself a freebie when it is my birthday?), 1 couples card game, and 1 tube of aloe gel for my sensitive skin.

When Gwen went on sabbatical, it meant that we were not in split teams for a while, so a meetup with Yani. Crazy Librans fellowship. 

Cute little tote from Weishang.

Hubby bought me salmon burger from McDonald's and plated them to atas-sify. He gave me double patty as it was my birthday. LOL.

Grace sent over an Awfully Chocolate Cake which we took days to finish.😂

Theresa sent over 2 slices of cake!

Lovely earrings from thoughtful Sharon who hoped we can have our wishes come true through the crystals.😏

Last but not least, I am also thankful for the well wishes received by the other peers who remembered... as well as the cake and flowers sent by my in-laws.💗

Birthday 2020

 陪伴是最好的礼物🎁。

Balanced 2020.

This is my hope for the year- Balance.

From 2018-2020, I've bought daily organizers annually. I was thinking maybe in 2021, I would stop doing that.

Initially I wanted to be more mindful about how I spend each day of my life, but I realized I don't record in any organizer on a daily basis. Even if I did, I couldn't last beyond a month.

I wanted to use the organizer to work towards my goals, but I realized that I may not follow my plan throughout. Even if I wrote them down, even if I set alarms to remind myself to take small steps to work towards my goals, there are days I do and days I don't.

With the daily plan, I became mechanical, which is easy for me as I am naturally a systematic person. But this distracted me from the thrill and mindfulness that I ought to have in my living.

Recently, with the kick-start of Circuit Breaker due to Covid-19, I somehow had more time for myself and re-embarked on a personal goal that I've been yearning for years.

I started this goal in 2018, but stopped working religiously on it subsequently. I set reminders on my mobile phone to remind myself to work towards this goal, but most of the time, I dismissed the reminders. I was usually physically or mentally tired from work. I can put my energy in other things except my goal.

But the recent re-embark of my action steps proved that working towards a goal is possible without an organizer; it requires a state of mind and the commitment to get it done.

It requires me to say "stop" to other responsibilities when required, it requires me to tell myself "just do it", it requires me to tell myself "I want this and I can have this".

Having a record of how my life went by is still good, as it reminds me about the important things in life and whether I am on track. But I don't have to depend on an organizer to remain on track.

I just need to be clear of what I want and take action. My intention will guide my actions, and will influence the effects.

Today a youth said I looked like a dog.

Was having a co-session with a male colleague, and all of a sudden, the youth giggled to himself. For the 4 times I met him previously I've never seen him smile or share openly his thoughts. The male colleague asked him why did he laugh, the youth didn't want to share. He probed again, and the youth said I looked like a dog. For a while, I was stunned. I paused and wondered how should I respond. The male colleague then commented that hey, that's not very polite. And the youth tried to stop giggling. That was towards the end of the last 30 minutes I have with the youth... 

And so, I told him, "you know I am really glad that you are sharing with us your thoughts... no doubt your comment caught me by surprise, but I appreciate you sharing because I didn't experience this part of you during our past 4 sessions... and I hope you can continue to share openly with Mr (male colleague)... because we hope to hear your opinions, so that we can make this journey meaningful to you."

I could have easily tapped on the male colleague and stop the youth from laughing at me. But what is the lesson that I hope the youth can learn? This reminds me of our/my past helpless whining of how some male workers are so charismatic and the youths just magically "listen" to them. So what if they don't "listen" to female workers? What is the value that we might want to role model for them? What is the difference we can make?

Thankful 🙏

Happy 2018!

Hello world. I decided to start blogging again, as I wanted to document my life somewhere and to stop using paper diary. Paper diary turns yellowish as time passes by, and one fine day, we would be forced to throw them away. I am already contemplating to throw them away before I move into my own future home.

In addition, time passed by flashed by year by year. I wanted to set aside protected time for self-reflection so that I can lead each year meaningfully. I am aiming to use this space to reflect about work, self or anything about life. Minimally I should be logging into this space once every quarterly? So I will try and see if this plan works! No harm trying!

Today I spoke with someone who inspired me through his sharing.

Clients' opinions and needs are important. So before we buy any insurance plan, our needs are explored and our consent is sought. Similar to our work with our clients, we aim for a mutually-influencing process as much as possible. Clients' views, feelings and goals are important and need to be heard.

He told me that different insurance plans are good in different ways, but most importantly, we need to know which is most helpful for the client. I immediately drew the distinction at a corner of my brain that hey! Isn't that the case for the techniques/ theories we have learnt in working with our clients as well? It is good to know different techniques and theories, but we should apply them as and when we deem helpful.

Now, after knowing the plus points and minus points of each insurance plan, then an agent can sell it with passion. If an agent is not passionate about what he or she is selling, it will be difficult to sell it. Similar with how we might feel towards certain portfolio/ approaches/ theories. If we are not convinced with it, or if it is not fitting with us, it will influence how we deliver our work.

Lastly, other than selling insurance plans and trying to earn big bucks, life is also about how we sell ourselves. As we are interacting and working with our clients, what is it about ourselves that we want to bring into our relationship and interaction with our clients? How do we influence or support them by tapping on our selves?

So much learning from just one conversation. And I realise I love to draw linkages across different contexts. Have been experiencing this strength quite strongly the past few years. 😆

Food for Thought.

6 TIPS TO ALIGN YOUR ACTIONS WITH YOUR PRIORITIES

1. Be aware of how you currently spend your time
2. Identify the non-negotiables. The things that simply HAVE to be done. 
3. Make a short list of 2-3 actions-for-the-day every morning. 
4. Do something relevant to your goal every day. 
5. Keep time open for non-goal related activities. 
6. Journal your progress at the end of the day.  

Source: http://jillconyers.com/2015/03/align-your-actions-with-your-priorities/

Compilation of my thoughts from July till October 2016

Finally had a short break from work. It was 13 days long and I would consider it short as I used to take 3 entire weeks off work, to force myself to just put aside my work and really rest. This time round, had a stressful event at work and was feeling the heat prior to going on leave. It didn't really help that I had to cancel 2 afternoon leaves in order to tackle the stressful event. Can't say that it is over, so I am just hanging in there.

My uncle's death prompted me to reweigh my priorities in life and reevaluate my relationships. 

Do we really want to place priority in something which we cannot bring into our coffin and after-life? Do others remember how hard we worked to complete reports or how many hours of OT we did, or do they actually remember what difference you made to their lives, what values you uphold, and what kind of a positive influence you are on earth?

During crisis, there were certain reactions from people which didn't sit well with me and made me wonder about the value of my relationship with them, and how much they actually value our relationships. There were also people who allowed me to see a different side of them and who supported me through my tears and pain.

I wasn't looking for something impressive in the support that I hope for. I just hope for people to sit next to me, or listen to my thoughts and feelings, or allow me to articulate the intentions of some of my behaviours before they start to assume. 

It is alright to be in a loss for words, but just not ask me not to cry and not to be sad (these are feelings, and I am but a human, how can I not be sad when there is death in my family?) Don't need to tell me you don't know how to respond to me and just keep quiet thereafter- how do you expect me to respond to that? Show understanding or ask questions to probe further? No need any advice, no need any quotes. 

Just be with me. Hand me a cup of warm water or tissues when I need them. Getting me to go eat a meal counts too, but please don't push me to celebrate any happy occasions- I am just not in the mood now. 

As I am mourning and would not want to celebrate joyous occasions or attend all gatherings, it does not mean that I don't appreciate people remembering important dates and sending well wishes. No need anything grand- a simple message or card does wonders. At times, I feel forgotten.

Maybe with the increasing responsibilities and demands of each person's life, being present for everyone is not possible. And if you have weighed your priorities, do know that I have mine too.

Ending my post with a meaningful quote I found from my friend's facebook page: "if we tend to the things that are important in life, when it's time, our goodbyes will be complete."

I guess my goodbye with uncle wasn't exactly complete, and maybe it is life for things to be imperfect. But I want to lead a life with no regrets and put in my best to make a difference to this world with my character, values and actions. I want to remember who supported me through my low points and be of valuable support when they need me too. I want to try to do good even to those who unintentionally hurt me during this tough period of time, because I believe in "Do to others as you would have them do to you."

The keyword is "try" as I am human afterall and I have my imperfections, feelings, biases.

舅舅 的 Life Certificate

Name of person (or preferred name)
黄泗福，舅舅

Photograph or Drawing of the Person 

Person’s Favourite Hobby/Song/ Place/etc
舅舅 loved to work out (probably because he wanted to look good and he used to look super hunky!), buy golden/ yellow colour stuffs as they stand for 财运, buy 4D and pray that he would win. I know 舅舅 liked an emo-sounding English love song, and I wanted to download for him to listen during his hospital stay but I couldn't remember what was the title. -_- But I believe he loved classic English songs of the 80s-90s? 舅舅 loved to go Thailand, and he went once a year at least. He loved going to temples and pray as well. He was probably one of the most devoted Buddhist/ Taoist I know. 舅舅's favourite persons were probably our family.

Quotes to Remember
舅舅's quotes were rather quirky. He would comment on my pimples or skin, and how he didn't like my mother's new dye in her hair. My favourite words from him were his loud, gentle and happy "谢谢"s whenever I gave him money since I started work or whenever I bought him souvenirs from abroad. The last I heard him said that was during Mother's Day dinner when I gave both him and my mother an angbao each, as I earnestly felt that he was as good as a parent to me. (I know he wouldn't accept if we arrange a dinner specially for him, so no choice but to make use of any chance I had!) I didn't know how else to thank him other than give him money amounting to what he thought was a lucky number so that it can bring him some happiness and let him know that we care for him even though he was staying alone.

What I appreciate about this person
I appreciate how 舅舅 had never ever scolded me although I had my misbehaviours (maybe he was not there to witness for himself :P). Although I thought he had some traditional traits in him, he was quite cool about me pole-dancing. I showed him photos and videos and he was really supportive. He also gave me opportunities to try out sales and didn't once reprimand or blame me when I did something wrong (I am pretty sure I did some stuffs wrong given my blur nature). He gave me rewards when I do well, and buy me meals whenever possible too. He remembered all of our ancestor's death anniversaries and was always in charge during our annual 清明 rituals. Next year would be different without you, but don't worry, we will maintain what you have handed over.

What this person appreciates about you
I guess, he most appreciated me giving him monthly allowance since I started work. It was not a matter of money, but also the fact that I cared for him as a family member and as a respected elder. He probably also appreciated my gifts for him from abroad. The last things I did for him, which I think he appreciated too, were to buy him a pair of socks when he was feeling cold in the hospital, put aloe vera gel on him and massage his limbs, prepare his meals for the wake, go through all the 7th days prayers and also go through 49 days of eating vegetarian to gain good deeds on his behalf. Given that I did not abide by his advice to go through some religious rites, to run that last lap was the least I could do for him. And I think he would be really appreciative of my efforts. But 舅舅，no need to thank me, because that is what I am supposed to do for you... for all that you had done for me.

Gifts I have received from this person (can be values, skills, or life lessons)
舅舅 would buy whatever that I request for- you name it, I got it. T-shirts, laptop, Naraya handbag, watches, food items, soft toys, health care products, money, etc. He also opened up his place for us to stay when we went through a family crisis. He was a role model of generosity too. Sometimes I felt that he was too generous, but maybe I was stingy to begin with, thus I always struggled with his generosity. But that was good as well, at least he challenged my world view with his actions. He was someone who persevere in his learning. He learnt sewing, modelling, Thai language, Japanese language, watch assembling, sales, etc. And it was through him that I experienced and learned that there are nice and gentle men in this world who cares for people around them. 舅舅 was a devoted son and took great care of my grandmother. He was a great uncle to me and my brothers. He was also a fantastic younger brother who cared a lot for my mother, his elder sister, in his own unique ways which we only discovered when he passed on. He was a man of few words, but of much actions.

Gifts I want to pass on to others (can be values, skills, or life lessons)  
I would like to continue what 舅舅 would hope that I can continue- to care for my mother, 对家人多些宽容, and to remember to pray regularly. His passing allowed me to meet the people who appreciated his genuine sincerity and kindness towards others. And I want to do my part to pay back the kindness others gave him, especially when he was struggling with his health. 

How I take care of myself when I miss this person too much 
I will pray and hope that 舅舅 is in a better place now. I need to have faith that 舅舅 is in good hands of God. I will hug my pillow or have a warm cup of drink to comfort myself. I will cry and feel sad, but I will continue walking on and not be depressed. I will remind myself to continue to carry on what 舅舅 left behind. 

What you want to say to this person now 
舅舅，不要担心我们。我们会好好过，也会照顾妈妈。我会尽我的能力，和和气气和家人相处。也会把想买给你的东西转买给妈妈或哥哥们。你不要不舍得我们，能去快乐和舒服的地方就去吧。只要我们记得我们拥有的回忆， 就够了。你是个好儿子，好弟弟，好朋友，好舅舅。佛祖会保佑你的。你辛苦了，接下来的事就交给我们。你放心去你该去的地方吧。 

What this person might say about you now 
I really wish to know... but I guess I won't be able to know now. It is alright, because this is not just about me.

舅舅，你给我最大的礼物就是当了我的舅舅。谢谢你...

我家舅舅。

The only positive adult figures I have are my grandmother, my mother and my uncle.

My grandmother set a good role model in staying calm no matter what happens. My mother set a good role model in being hardworking and responsible. My uncle set a good role model in being a caring man.

It is through him, that I learned that men can be nice and loving. It is through him, that I was introduced to interesting things like skittles, bubble tea and Thai food. He gave me pocket money when the family was going through crisis. He did not hesitate to buy me things when I asked for it. I remember fondly that he would hold my hand when I was younger and bring me and my brothers to the cinema occasionally.

Although we reduced contact since my grandmother passed on, we still had quality time through occasional meals together, and not forgetting Chinese New Year's mahjong time... every time I go overseas, I will buy something for him too.

I still have dried mangoes and two bars of soap, from Borocay, yet to be given... 舅舅，加油。