*takes the bag of sugar and hurls it outta the window*
There's no need for that, buddy.
First of all, you're so full of bullshite.
You're full of broken promises.... to other people and to yourself.
You're lazy, you can't be arsed to do anything. You hate doing work and you wonder why people don't do the things you tasked them to do. Hardwork makes you cringe.
You have absolutely no self-control. No willpower whatsoever. If it seems good, boom. You'd do it.
You are selfish. You don't think of other people. You just care about what YOU want. To hell if others suffer as a result of you getting what you desire. Isn't that right?
You're so fake. I don't know what you are anymore. I don't know what's real anymore... coming from you.
See what you've done? You've even managed to confuse yourself. Achievement un-f**kin'-locked.
There's no heart. Seriously dude, what's with your pseudo-motivation? One moment you can't wait to kick ass and the other you're letting people kick your ass. Or even kicking your own.
Again, I come back to your lack of self-control. What makes you any different from your enemies? You have every bit of nerve they have. Why do you keep hating them if you're the same? Keep that in mind, you stupid f***.
And why do you keep wondering why people are always a notch higher than you? It's so obvious. C'mon dude, this isn't news.
You're too f***in' lazy to do anything with your life. All you wanna do is just live it and hope good things happen to you. You're never aiming high or achieving great stuff. Sure, I'm proud of myself to have completed SCC. But you know very well there were the not-so-great moments. Moments where you almost gave up and wanted to call it a day. Those 3 chevrons on your epaulette almost didn't happen. Coz you're a quitter. YOU'RE A F***IN' QUITTER!
Thank you Allah, for giving me strength. And thank you for reminding me of my loved ones and why I have to go on. Without you, I am truly nothing in this world.
You're a lousy person, Dan. You don't have to ponder or reason to yourself whether you're good or not in this world.
People don't have confidence in me. People don't believe in me and what I can do. I can see that in every one of you people. Even my loved ones.
And can I blame them?
Back in SCC... Encik was talking to the Rota about something. My buddy next to me asks me a question. Encik sees this and reprimands him for "not being interested". My buddy replies that he was just asking me a question. Encik says with a sarcastic smile, "why ask Danial? He's SRB standard la", probably implying that I'm nothing special and that anything I know is to be discredited. I take it in the gut like I always do and just laugh it off. It's what I'm good at, acting as if things people say don't hurt. I know I'm no good. My drills are like shite and I always let my section down during BTM drills. But I think I did good during the final exercises.
My parents.... I really don't know what they think of me. Whether I make them proud. I've said to my Mom in the past so many times that I want to be a football player. She always laughs it off. She probably thinks it's impossible. I've never pursued a football career further. I've never tried. Should I? I think everybody I know will say "No", even though it's my dream. I believe in myself that I can be a great football player if I wanted to. But I'd need tonnes and tonnes of practice and shaping up. But it's not impossible. But I just know that nobody...NOBODY will support me in this front. Is it sad that nobody believes in you except yourself? :(
During my passing out... after 6 tough months of training and mindf**k, I could finally call myself a sergeant. My mom and dad were there. I still wonder... are they proud that I am what I am? Are they proud that their son went through what they saw in the video and made it out? After putting on my epaulettes, they went out to eat at the reception. My dad just couldn't wait to get home. *sigh* I'm just thinking too much again.
Mama, Ayah.... I just want to make you guys proud of me. I don't know what I can do to achieve that though. How about Nina and Abang? Are you proud of them? I hope you are. Coz I'm proud of what they are now. Nina's still going strong in her studies and Abang now has a great future ahead of him in his career. I always pray and wish them all the best. They have all my support. I love them all so much. Ya Allah, please protect them all from harm.
I just don't see any good in me at all now.
All I wanna do now is to recollect myself and be a better person. But you know where that's going. Down the f***in' same path. The vicious cycle all over again. Revelation, Motivation, Movement... in a circle.
The world is a cruel place, Dan. You keep trying to make a lot of people happy but only few return the favour. Some make you feel worst. But don't stop doing it. NEVER stop doing it.
Don't expect rewards from everything you do.
Don't get too excited about stuff that hasn't happened.
And....
Just try to keep the promises you make. It's a good start. Don't you think you've disappointed people enough? You and your thousand apologies.
Crap.
I don't even believe I could do this.
