Lately, I've noticed some of my traits have sorta....
Lay dormant?
I used to be quite a soft-spoken person.
But because of my reduced hearing ability (hahaha!),
And my slight loss of patience in repeating myself (HAHAHA!),
I kinda talk louder now.
I used to be quite a passive person.
You know, waiting for stuff to happen.
And then going with the flow.
But nowadays when I want something, I actually get my fuckin' ass up and get it!
I used to have quite an empty heart.
No love for another human being except for my family.
When I read of people's misfortunes in the newspaper last time,
I felt nothing. No emotion whatsoever.
To the point where my Mom was actually pointing it out to me that it's not good.
But now, I look at my friends..
And I look at my darling..
I realize all of it was love.
And now when I hear of people's misfortunes, my heart sinks a bit.
I used to have absolutely no confidence in myself.
Zero percent belief in my own abilities.
I used to dismiss myself every time.
"There's no way I can do that" was my inner catchphrase.
I thought I looked so bad, I didn't even bother to dress up.
I gave up. Hahahaha.
But now, my confidence is rising.
I realize that, if I wanted something and I went to get it,
Insya'allah I'll get it.
I also believe that I'm not ugly.
While I'm not the most handsome person, I am satisfied with how Allah has designed me.
Thank you Alhamdullilah, Ya Allah.
I used to be an optimist.
I used to always think that things will always be alright.
I used to always see the bright side of what people say.
I always used to say that things are never as bad as it seems.
But now, I keep worrying of the future.
That things will go to shite the second screwed up.
I always see what people say and think "oh shite, could they mean this in a bad way?"
And I always think things are gonna be worst than what I expect.
I used to be such a gentle person.
Believe it or not, I did things softly and with as little noise as possible.
I didn't scream at anybody.
Most of all I was compassionate to every little thing, even inanimate objects.
When I lost my spectacles in the sea back when I was in Sec 1,
I almost weeped coz I was thinking...
"You served me for so long and now due to my carelessness, you are gone."
Haha. True story.
I didn't throw things away coz I want the memories of them to stay forever, no matter how small.
Now?
Not so much.
I punch and kick stuff.
I scream at people when they can't hear what I say.
I throw things devoid of any feelings.
I squish and massacre ants and actually enjoy it.
And I have fantasies of shooting certain people in the head.
Squarely between the eyes.
When things don't budge, I smash and smash until something does.
I used to hate taking risks.
I didn't want anything to do with taking chances, knowing that stuff can go to shite.
Because I had no self-confidence, I knew I'd screw it up for sure.
I often calculated and thought out things for tooooooo long before making decisions.
Leading to missed opportunities or being just too late for stuff.
Now?
Yes, I still think things through before making decisions.
But sometimes I just say, "Fuck it, let's do this shite."
Then suffer the consequences later, should any arise.
Oh God. Hahaha.
Then nowadays, I find that some of these traits suddenly pop outta nowhere and remind me of who I was. Who I've been.
And helps me see who I've become.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna keep the good ones.
And throw away the bad ones.
Ya Allah my Lord, Almighty and All-Knowing, please guide me and my actions so I will become a better person always. For myself and my loved ones. Amin.
