Oh God.

I'm at a loss of words.....

I can't even begin to describe the scale of mindfuck that's going on in my mind.

I'm already mindfucked....

and now this has to happen...

now it's compounded...

I wanna mediate.... I want peace between 2 important people in my life....

But I really don't know what to say...

Fuck you, Satan. What have you done to my friend?

What have you done to him that would make him hurt his own loved one?

...

and mine?

It must be your work.

that he should disregard people's feelings...

keep unnecessary grudges...

bottle up hate and anger like that...

My buddy's not like that...

It must be your work Satan. Fuck you.

FUCK YOU!

Tomorrow: New plan.

Fuck New Year.

Fuck my problems.

I'm gonna try my best to fix this.

After/If it's settled....

I'm gonna fucking disappear.

I've lost myself and I need to go find him.

I need to sit the fuck down and settle once and for all, the self-induced mindfuck inside me right now that has prevented me from functioning properly.

I don't wanna hurt anybody.

And I want nobody hurting.

Ya Allah, Most Gracious and Most Merciful.....

Please grant me and my friends the strength to get through your trials...

Please clear our clouded minds so we may make the best decisions...

On your weekly Eid' that is your wonderful Friday...

Please give us your guidance to find peace with each other...

And within ourselves.

Amin.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

Reality.....

Must you really be that harsh?

I've been reminded again today.

How I fail in that one aspect. The aspect that wins half the battle.

How I don't have that ability.

My lacking will be my doom.

Oh dear God...

It's just that.... it took so long to build up.

But then again, I realize it was made up of LIES after LIES.

Wow.

I managed to bamboozle myself all these years...

Lying to myself...

That I'm this and that...

When the reality is much the opposite.

Who the FUCK am I kidding.

It wasn't acceptance.

It's just a bunch of lies I tell myself.

And here's the bonus: I believed em'.

I'm just amazed at how I managed to bluff even myself.

Well, it's too late now. It's destroyed completely. Back to the drawing board. Back to square one.

Starting from scratch now.

The nightmare and the mindfuck will now commence. See, this will be the part where I say "I'm so strong.... this will be a laugh."

Now I'm not so sure.

Perhaps it's for the best, eh Danny boy?

Maybe now you'll learn your fucking place in this world you piece of shite.

I just wanna see how you get it through this time... now that all your fraud's been exposed.

Do it right this time. Remember...

Acceptance.

Not lies.

How the hell it worked for me all those years I will have no answer.

Dear sweet love, thank you so much. But I'm afraid it's not the same.

This is a problem within me that only I can solve.

I guess it's high time I prove to myself,

Have I really gotten stronger,

or am I still the fucking pussy I've always been?

Alright then, where do I find enough morale to get me through at least this and next week?

*sigh*

You and Me.

Being Human.

Everybody makes mistakes. It's inevitable. It's part of life.

Like I always say, sometimes you just gotta learn stuff the hard way.

It may be harsh.... but it's effective.

What happened in the past stays in past. We can't change anything that happened. The only thing we can do about it is to learn from our mistakes and avoid repeating them. Accept what's happened and move on, however painful they may be. Don't live with too much regret.

You are not what I imagined you to be.

I discovered you are more than what I imagined you to be. There's much more to you than meets the eye. In fact, I'm still learning about you. There's much more I wanna know about you.

All of these things you're afraid of....... stop.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

When I found you, it's like unearthing a brilliant diamond.

Would you ever be disappointed? ;)

I could never hate you. I've never hated anyone. You? Impossible.

The only way this could end is if either of us stops caring. You don't have a thing to worry on my end. You've safely secured my heart.

Why would I expect so much of a good thing from you?

You've gone way above my expectations.

If my expectations were a baseball, you've slapped a home run and it's now flying out of the stadium.

I'm not seeking perfection.

You are close enough for me.

If I let you go away, I'll be a huge moron.

Listen to me,

You have nothing to be afraid of.

I understand your fears, BUT 

If I can't accept that you make mistakes then I'm a hypocrite.

After all, it's all part of being human.

Hey You.

Wanna know what I feel about you?

Here's an excerpt from my secret Xanga:

I don't ever wanna lose you.

I want you to be with me in my near future....and perhaps if it is with accordance to Allah's plans, maybe beyond...

Trust me, I've never cared for another girl as much as you.

It's not a new post. It's an old one.

Scary, isn't it?

^^

Anyway, what you say is all true.

You hit the nail in the head.

It's just that when people ask what's going on between us and I shrug it off as "nothing", it absolutely kills me... because I'm not sure what we are. We are definitely not "nothing".

All I know is that I care A LOT about you, I love what we have going on and I hope it never ends either.

(Haha look at me.... letting a tear escape typing this. I'm such a faggot.)

Oh yeah...

Love you too.

I Know This Dude...

He cares very much about this girl.

When he hugs her, he won't let go.

When he kisses her on their farewells, he'll look her in the eyes and say "I'm gonna miss you so much."

He'll be around her all the time, because he's in a constant state of missing her when she's not around. When there's any sign of distress, he'll rush by her side and aid her in any way he could.

He is absolutely incapable of hurting her in any way. Whether it is just goofing around or by accident.

Whenever she cries, he'll cry too. He says it's coz he just can't make her happy enough that she'd stop crying.

He always says he wished he was bigger and stronger. So that he can protect her should the need arise.

Hahahaha! This friend of mine....

So mushy, right?

I bet he's no fun.

Poor dude's in jail though.

Once in a while, I go visit him...ask him how he's doing. He always says he's fine. He always says he can't wait to get out there to prove himself. Sounds like he's very sincere.

I just hope he does a good job.

I also hope he's very careful when proving himself.

Actually, I also can't wait to see how he's gonna do when he gets out.

All the best to you, buddy.

My advice to you is...... don't expect the world when you do go out there. You gotta work hard.

It's Amazing!

How I met you already for the day.....

After that meet you again after work....

But the minute we part,

I miss you.

What the...

lol.

Miss you til' it hurts you know...

Nonsense, right?

I used to laugh at people when they say things like this....

But now I know how they feel.

Don't know what's going on....

Maybe the thing inside me that you're scared of....

Getting stronger.

Getting Myself Outta This Shitehole.

I promise..

For myself,

my family,

my friends,

my cutie,

and most importantly, for Allah S.W.T,

I will now actively seek personal improvement.

Whatever problems I may have with myself....

I shall seek to swiftly rectify.

I will strive to be a better person.

It will be very, very, very difficult.... but I can do it.

And I must.

It's gonna be hard....

But I really gotta shape up.

My Attitude...

Getting worse and worse...

Find that I'm getting selfish...

Less thoughtful...

Getting hot-tempered....

Always tardy...

Less helpful.

Passive.

......

I used to be a much nicer person.

I Like How..

A sucky day turns into a good one just by meetin' up with ya.

;)

THIS IS..... SPARTA!!

Play soccer....

Next day, ache here....ache there.

KNN!

I don't care!

MUST BE STRONGER!

NS COMING!

Must thrash my body until become strong....prepare for more thrashing later!

HUAT ARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I Used To Have Doubts.

As to what's this inside me.

But,

if every time you're not with me, I wish you were,

and...

if every time you're with me, I wish it doesn't last,

and...

when I see your smile, it warms my heart so much,

and...

when you're down, I go into a state of panic (lol...),

and...

you're never far from my thoughts,

I'm having lesser doubt every time,

That what's inside me,

is what you're scared of.

Simple Does It!

I've read some of my past entries.....back in the Unity days.

Aside from footballz, I realize I was such a fag. So long-winded.

LOLCAKES HAHAHAHA!

I like how I've slowly become a simpler person. Expect less out of life. Gain more satisfaction.

For example, back in the day I used to type like this at MSN:

"Hi. My name is Danny. I am going to hurt you severely and you will know great suffering in the near future."

but nowadays I just type like:

hi I'm Danny. I'm gonna kick your ass.

I've also learnt to appreciate the little things in life.

Just being able to lie on my bed.

Sit at the table having some lunch.

Chatting with Mom in the kitchen.

Annoying Nin.

Hanging out with awesome people.

Work in a (relatively) stress-free environment.

Having a problem-free laptop to type all this.

All the little presents Allah S.W.T, most Merciful and most Loving has given me that make my life overall....quite awesome as it is.

Alhamdullilah.... T_T

SIMPLE IS GREAT!

Thy Humble Steed!

You shall henceforth be known as "S1000R"!

You will be my project.

Your progress will be slow.

Slow but sure.

Hahaha! Basically, I'm gonna use this bike for all my modding experimentation and learning. At least if I cock up, won't be so heart pain. I'LL TEAR IT APART. Then put it back again.

Once I'm done with all my planned mods, it'll look something like...

HELLZ FREAKIN' YEA

Gripe. Gripe. Gripe.

Shoulder feels like its going to pop-out soon...

Right knee will kill me after cycling/soccer/running...

Back feels like hell when I wake up...

Dear body,

Please don't make problems now. I'm going to NS soon and I wanna be fucking fit. I don't want to keng. I wanna finish my NS with full glory. I also wanna play soccer and cycle in peace. Please don't do this to me. I'm only 16. *cough* *cough*

THANKS.

VROOM!

FIRST I WILL PUT A CARBON FIBRE SEATPOST.

THEN I WILL PUT A CARBON FIBRE HANDLEBAR.

THEN I WILL CHANGE THE V-BRAKES TO BREMBO DISC BRAKES.

THEN I WILL CHANGE TO YOSHIMURA EXHAUST...

Siao.

But seriously carbon fibre seatpost. :D

Still love my Hayabusa though.

And missing my Blackbird... :,(

Time to rack up the mileage with the new steed!

Still haven't come up with a bike name for it hehe.

You Make Me.

Feel all warm and fuzzy!

When you sleep [ or pretend to ;) ], I swear you are the cutest thing in the world.

It does my heart good to see you that peaceful.

At least the exterior.

More peace and less turmoil, kays?

:)

A Price To Pay.

If there's anything bad from all this.....

It's that I'm slowly losing my self-confidence.

Slowly..... I'm not accepting who I am.

The satisfaction in Allah's design of me.... flowing out.

I've come so far only for it waste away just like that.

F*** IT!

Ya Allah, please grant me the will to accept the things I cannot change. Please open up my heart again so I would be satisfied with how you have created me.

Most of all, please grant me the will to accept that I can never be perfect.

Feeling Like...

It's another one of those days where I just can't win.

Dear Cutie,

Please,

Get some rest....

Lack of sleep weakens your physical and messes with your mental. Trust me, I've been there. Don't fight your body's urge to shut down when it needs to. (I'm guilty for keeping you up so late some nights...)

Please,

Don't be depressed...

Slow down, take a deep breath and really think what's got you down. It really isn't worth to keep bad thoughts/memories inside yourself. Pray to Allah S.W.T for a peace of mind. Insya'allah, He will lighten your heart from all the unnecessary weight. (I always pray for Allah to grant you serenity inside...)

Please,

Don't cry anymore...

Be strong, my dear. Some challenges in life are hard but they are never impossible to conquer. Sometimes all we wanna do is sit there and cry our hearts out, but we don't overcome challenges like that. Get up and get through it. You can do it. It's whether you want or not.

(I'm here to wipe those tears away)

Okay?

Study hard.... do your best and God will do the rest. Allah always rewards hardwork. Always.

About how you feel.... just follow your heart. If you don't wanna hurt me, don't hurt yourself.

See you around! And stay adorable!

Yours faithfully,
Danny

AYE AM WHY.

I take extra long to sleep at night when I haven't seen you for the day.